Posted tagged ‘Arnold Schwarzenegger jokes’

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Student-athletes and other jokes.

May 26, 2011

 The NCAA banned three teams from postseason football  –   Idaho State, Southern and Jackson State, because of subpar APR (Academic Progress Rates) for their student athletes.   Apparently to remain eligible teams must meet certain academic standards, or belong to the SEC.

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Although the NHL Thrashers sale and move to Winnipeg is not yet a done deal, apparently Atlanta mayor Kasim Reed believes that the move is inevitable. When local sports fans were asked how they felt about losing their hockey team, the number one response was “We have a hockey team?”

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After the season, Shawn Marion of the Dallas Mavericks said he will shoot a reality TV pilot about the women he dates called “The Ladies of My Life.” Good thing Wilt Chamberlain never tried that, the series would have had to run longer than Bonanza.

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John Edwards may be indicted for using campaign funds to help subsidize and cover up his relationship with baby mama Rielle Hunter. Well, Schwarzenegger did tell us his being independently wealthy would be an asset if he were elected Governor.

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And another thought re Arnold, a lot of athletes actually probably felt some relief at this story.   I guess getting two women pregnant at the same time does indicate that steroid use may not cause permanent damage. 

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President Obama received mostly good reviews on his speech today to the British Parliament. Mostly because the Brits were just thrilled to know that it was still possible to have a U.S. President who could speak English.

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Mike Brown has agreed to be the Lakers’ new head coach. In preparation for the job, maybe the best training might be watching a DVD of “Kindergarten Cop.”

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Whatever Tate Forcier is majoring in, I think we can surmise it’s not geography.

The former Michigan QB and San Diego native has changed his mind about transferring to Miami: “It’s completely on the other side of the country. It would have been fun. But I just wanted to be closer so my parents can afford to come to the games.” So now Forcier’s looking into USC, San Diego State, Montana, Kansas State and… Auburn?!

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A footnote or two for tonight’s extra inning game in Philadelphia.  (19 innings)

Wilson Valdez -now and forever tied for the best winning percentage and ERA in major league pitching history.

How long was this game?  It started in late spring and by the end fans were just getting ready to boo Santa Claus.

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I realize for some people that tuesday is the end of the world. For all of us who work standard day jobs, however, can I ask “So what was this Oprah show anyway”

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Hard core San Jose Sharks fans still can’t believe the way that puck bounced off the stanchion last night. More casual Sharks fans are asking “What’s a stanchion?” And real bandwagon fans are asking “What’s a puck?”

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And on a serious note, all best wishes for a speedy recovery to Buster Posey, a man who is not only a great catcher, he WAS a real student athlete-  Academic All-American at Florida State. (Yes, I know, the Harvard of the South.) But the guy is for real, also high school valedectorian.  

Shame there wasn’t a stanchion that the runner from third couldn’t have crashed into instead of Posey.

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Caught up in the rapture…

May 24, 2011

Jorge Posada, making about $13 million a year and batting .182, was upset when Yankees manager Joe Girardi dropped him to ninth in the batting order. Why did Girardi do it? Because he couldn’t bat Posada tenth.

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The Oakland preacher who claimed the world would end May 21 appeared in his radio office today to stand by his prediction.   But he now claims he miscalculated, and the event will  actually be October 21. 

Just wondering, if he was so sure May 21 was the day, why did he pay rent for his office beyond that?

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October 21?  So it looks like Cubs fans will be deprived yet again of a World Series title.

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From Marc Ragovin: Well the good news is that the world didn’t end on Saturday. On the other hand, we still have New Jersey.

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The Cincinnati Reds sent Edinson Volquez, their opening day starter, to the minors. Volquez was 3-2 with a 6.35 ERA in 10 starts. But maybe the Reds should have considered a trade; with those kind of number Volquez could be this year’s ace on the Minnesota Twins.

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Pretty clear now that when Arnold Schwarzenegger said “I’ll be back,” what he meant was “I’ll be the back end of a horse.”

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Willie Brown said today in the SF Chronicle, that he told Arnold Schwarzenegger last week that he hadn’t let the public down -“You did exactly what I or anybody else would have done, which is do your best to protect your family.” Uh, Willie, doing his best to protect his family would have been not getting the housekeeper pregnant at the same time as his wife in the first place.

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Apparently Donald Trump said on Fox News today that he might change his mind and re-enter the Presidential race. Apparently he wants to challenge Mitt Romney for that all important “flip-floppers” vote.

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The songwriter who wrote “You Light Up My Life” apparently committed suicide while awaiting trial on multiple rape charges. Were the charges not enough to get him a probable life sentence, prosecutors might have added an enhancement for writing such a maddening song that is still impossible to get out of your head.

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Barbara Stuart, who played, amongst other character roles, Mrs. Rex Kramer in Airplane, has died at the age of 81. Her last words allegedly were “Down, Shep. Shep, no.”

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The Father of Cali-foh-nee-yah?

May 18, 2011

A reminder that it’s always darkest before the dawn. Just think how many comedy writers were crying yesterday when Trump dropped out of the race because of all the lost material. Thank you Arnold.

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Could it be that Schwarzenegger was taking the idea about changing the “born in the U.S” rule for the Presidency seriously?    Was Arnold just trying to show he could be the Father of our Country?

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Or while Schwarzengger’s defense be that he was just trying to fit in with being a Kennedy?

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Well, now we know why Arnold wasn’t one of those Republicans who came out trying to cut off funding for Planned Parenthood.

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Donald and Arnold both are making headlines this week. Trump because he pulled out early, Schwarzenegger, oh come on, I don’t even need to finish this line….

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First Meg Whitman, now Arnold Schwarzenegger. Is it some sort of requirement for Republicans who want to be governor of California that you have to screw your maid?

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Over-under on how long it will take Gloria Allred to call a press conference with Arnold’s baby-mama?

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And poor  Donald Trump. He must have thought that his withdrawal from the Presidential race would at least dominate the political-late night news cycle for 24 hours….

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While Donald Trump has left the Presidential race, it’s not from lack of confidence. As he said “I maintain the strong conviction that if I were to run, I would be able to win the primary and, ultimately, the general election.” Even Cubs fans are saying “This guy is delusional.”

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Wisconsin congressman Paul Ryan, who wants to change Medicare to an insurance subsidy, says he will not run for the U.S. Senate seat being vacated by retiring Democrat Herb Kohl. Ryan stated on his website that he “can have a bigger impact by remaining in his current position.” Translation, even he knows he doesn’t have a prayer of winning.

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Financial disclosures show Newt Gringrich and/or his latest wife at one point owed as much as a half million dollars to Tiffany’s. Hey, as Newt will no doubt tell us, all the results of that passionate patriotism could get expensive.

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Mitt Romney has a new campaign video, and it features actress-model Cindy Crawford. Wait, wasn’t Mitt supposed to be the substantive one?

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Reader Berney reports from British Columbia that there were so many rainouts in the U.S. today that Canadians were subjected to watching the Yankees.  Yeah, Berney, welcome to the American world.

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Moving on.

May 11, 2011

 Ohio congressman Dennis Kucinch may lose his seat due to redistricting. And he says he may move to another state and run for Congress there. Why limit himself to other states? In fact, Dennis may be a better fit for Congress on another planet.

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The San Jose Sharks, formerly up 3-0, are now going to game 7 against the  Red Wings. And in Detroit they’re playing “Don’t stop believing.” In Northern California, San Franciscans are saying “Hey, we patented that ‘torture’ line.”

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The Sharks still have home ice for Thursday, but they are on the verge of being only the seventh NHL team ever to lose a playoff series when up 3-0. What are they trying to do, knock the Lakers off the front page?

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Lufthansa is flying their new Airbus 380 from Frankfurt to San Francisco.  The double decker plane holds 526 people.  But your chances of being next to the one hysterically crying baby on board are still better than you think.

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Chad Ochocinco is now going to try professional bull riding. Well, if there’s anyone who knows bull, it’s Ochocinco.

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Good news for Washington Wizards fans – the team is changing to a classic looking red white and blue new uniform. Bad news for Wizards fans – the new uniforms will have the same old players in them.

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The Lakers’ Andrew Bynum apologized for his flagrant foul on Mavericks’ guard J.J. Barea Sunday, saying “it looks bad” and it doesn’t “represent me.” Bynum also added “This doesn’t represent my upbringing.”

Translation, somebody got a call from his mother.

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Amazing NBA basketball these past few days. On Monday, the Celtics and the Heat played overtime plus four quarters, the Thunder and Grizzlies played three overtime plus four quarters, and on Sunday, the Lakers  played about one quarter.

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From Bill Littlejohn,  “May is National Zombie Awareness Month, and the Lakers certainly did their part on Sunday.”

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So now the Lakers are looking for a new coach. Have they considered Arnold Schwarzengger? He may have a lot of time on his hands now, and besides, he has experience as a Kindergarten Cop.

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Regarding the Arnold Schwarzenegger-Maria Shriver split: Surprised he didn’t announce it on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno.

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What’s behind the Maria Shriver-Arnold Schwarzengger split? Apparently Maria agreed to “for better or worse,” but she drew the line at a potential remake of “Jingle All the Way.”

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Rush Limbaugh is now calling torture “enhanced interrogation.” Of course, many Americans would call torture “being stuck in a car where the only radio station that works features Rush Limbaugh.”

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In the latest poll of Republicans, Mike Huckabee and Mitt Romney are at the top of the GOP race with 19% and 18% respectively. Newt Gingrich and Sarah Palin are next at 13% and 12%, followed by Donald Trump and Ron Paul at 8%, Michele Bachmann at 7%, and Tim Pawlenty at 5%. Unfortunately for most thinking Republicans “None of these clowns” wasn’t an option.

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Lindsay Lohan may plead “no contest” to stealing that necklace. But even though she was on probation at the time, the actress is likely to serve no more than two weeks, which could simply be home confinement. It’s all part of Los Angeles’ special celebrity “Three strikes and we’re really, really warning you” policy.

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Bristol Palin admits she had facial surgery and says that she “yes, it improved the way I look,” but insists it was “corrective,” and not cosmetic plastic surgery. Because she wouldn’t just do plastic surgery.  Right.  Like some rich girls used to need “deviated septum” nose surgery.

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