Posted tagged ‘swine flu jokes’

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Yankees jokes – is that becoming redundant?

May 9, 2009

You have to wonder, how many people in New York lost money in bank stocks or with Madoff, but had to figure, one solid investment would be their Yankees season tickets.

Especially when they sold their expected playoff tickets.

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New Yorkers faced a tough decision in a poll last week asking who they would prefer to have as governor.  Disgraced former governor Eliot Spitzer, or unpopular current governor David Paterson.  Many complained it was like being asked to chose between the Yankees and the Mets.

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One name that has moved up about 10,000 places on the most popular baby name list – Barack.    One name that has probably moved down about 10,000 places  – Bernie.

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The new Star Trek movie is being billed as “not your father’s Star Trek.”  Which is shocking.  Trekkies fathered children?

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As a political statement, Kenyan women have vowed to abstain from sex with their husbands.  One frustrated man has already filed a lawsuit..  Wonder if his lawyer will be John Edwards?

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Bud Selig says he plans to talk to the Yankees and Mets since he has noticed their unsold seats.    Okay, so the guy notices unsold seats, but didn’t notice anything was going on during the steroid era?

Even by teenager standards, this is selective attention.

But let’s see, want to fill the stands with people… what would do it…I don’t know, maybe sluggers suddenly going on home run binges ?   Wonder how Selig could help that happen?

 

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As the 2009 San Francisco Giants were shut out, AGAIN, this time by the Los Angeles Dodgers, a question comes to mind:

What’s the difference between the Giants and their website?

The website regularly gets some hits.

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From an IGA in Cincinnati, Ohio, from an elderly white man to a woman(my friend)  in front of him in line.

“You know, some said pigs would fly before we had a black president, and guess what?  Swine flew.”

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Manny Ramirez was caught taking women’s fertility drugs.  Some people are never satisfied.  It’s not enough to be one of the top sluggers  in baseball, he wanted to be Octomom.

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President Obama received good reviews for his comic performance at the White House Correspondents’ dinner.  But really, how can you doubt the sense of humor of someone who gave us Joe Biden?

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In Miami, a popular Catholic priest, Alberto Cutié admitted last week that he is in a relationship and in  love with a divorced woman with a 14 year old son.

The Vatican reaction was mixed. half think it’s a major sin, the other half are just glad he’s not in a relationship with the son.

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This Bud’s for you…

May 5, 2009

From Nick Coombs:

Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig was selected to give the commencement address at the University of Wisconsin. In honor of his contribution the the national pastime the University said they will present Selig with an honorary diploma with an asterisk.

In related news, Commission Selig praised the law mandating a 21 year old drinking age, and commended the University for being alcohol free for underclassmen.

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California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger has announced it might be time to study the legalization of marijuana.   Actually, recent polls of Californians show most people support such legalization.   I guess they feel that it’s high time.

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Many California schools were supposed to be closed for a  week because of swine flu, but due to new government regulations they will reopen as early as Wednesday. Bummer for all those families who planned to take the week off for a cheap Mexican vacation.

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And following up on yesterday, more celebrity flu strains.  Political edition.

Joe Biden flu.  Seems innocuous, but…it…never..ends.

John Edwards flu:  Supposedly safely quarantined, but more free-ranging than we thought.

Norm Coleman flu:  You may think you have it beat, but it can hang around for months.

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You can’t make this stuff up

May 1, 2009

As in  –  Michael Vick – potential  future PETA spokesman.   

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And Miss California,  Carrie Prejean, who has now been confirmed to have had her “boob job” paid for by pageant officials, is going on the road.  Apparently to talk about her view that marriage should be between a man and a surgically enchanced woman.

She says, among other things, that  “God was testing my character and faith. I’m glad I stayed true to myself.”     Apparently truth has nothing to do with cup size.

But you have to hand it to her on priorities.  Ms Prejean was willing to risk losing the pageant by honestly answering a question about what she believes to be unnatural gay marriage.  But she wasn’t  not willing to lose it by showing up with her natural cleavage.

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So the economy is in shambles, Chrysler is declaring bankruptcy, and the swine flu might be a pandemic.   And a Texas Congressman has introduced a bill to prevent the NCAA from crowning a national football champion unless that champion comes out of a playoff system.  Good to see Congress is on top of things:

 

Actually it would be an interesting bet – will the U.S.bring down Bin Laden before we bring down the BCS?

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Well,  for those who remember Hillary Clinton’s primary comment that Barack Obama was not a Muslem “As far as I know…:”

We’ve got a contender to top that: 

Brett Favre’s affirmation of his retirement:  “At this time.”

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Supreme Court Justice David Souter has announced he is retiring as of June  so he can return to a quiet life in New Hampshire.   President Obama accepted the retirement, but  simply asked Souter that before he leaves, could he also tell Clarence Thomas about the joys of rural New England?

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With all the school closings, this “swine flu” has to seem like a real gift to schoolchildren who have been ready for summer vacation for months.   The only way it could be better, if it were “broccoli flu.”   (Or anything else transmitted by eating vegetables.)

 

And finally, from the very funny Derek Wilken of Calgary, Alberta, on U.S.  officials advising citizens to avoid large crowds during the swine flu scare: “They are suggesting people stay home or stick to sparsely populated areas like the Yankees’ box seats.’’

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Swine flu, the Sharks, and other disasters..

April 30, 2009

Okay, this is a really really bad pun alert. But lets get it out of the way first.

While many Americans are cancelling their trips because of flu worries, knitting club has decided to go ahead with their plans to attend a knitting convention.  Their reason, they decided to put purls before swine.

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In affirming the FCC’s right to fine broadcasters who use the F-word on the airline,  Supreme Court justice Antonin Scalia in his opinion referred to the “foul-mouthed glitterari from Hollywood.”

As opposed to the foul-mouthed glittering former Vice President?  (Who in 2004 famously told Senator Patrick Leahy to  “f**k himself.”)

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President Obama was asked if we should close our borders with Mexico.

Like we could do that?

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Nostalgia is a relative thing.  These days, it’s about thinking of those trips to Mexico where you most worried about getting Montezuma’s revenge.

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After yet another early round playoff ouster, should the San Jose Sharks change their name to the San Jose Oysters?    Because they can be great, but never in a month without an “R” in it.

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“April is the cruelest month.”  Who knew T.S. Eliot was a Sharks fan?”

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The state of Texas has suspended high school sports, including baseball and softball,  through  May 11.    Which most Texans think is unfortunate but not a disaster, as it would be if the swine flu hit during football season.

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If you think you had a bad day at work, imagine what it’s like working in the Mexican Tourism Office.

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Taylor Hicks, the season five winner on American Idol, appeared on the show tonight and delivered a, well,  decent performance.  He told the remaining contestants,  the secrets were song selection,  bringing your  “A” game,  and being lucky enough to have been a contestant on season five.

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Yovani Gallardo of the Milwaukee Brewers not only pitched a shutout against the Pittsburgh Pirate, he hit the game-winning solo home run.

Maybe the San Francisco Giants could figure out a way for this guy – he could bat cleanup.

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Another joke that may only make sense to grouchy San Francisco Giants fans.   What can you say about Fred Lewis in left field?  Only that he makes fans think wistfully about the last few years of the defensive talents of Barry Bonds.

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