Posted tagged ‘Notre Dame jokes’

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Higher math?

March 21, 2011

For anyone who thinks basketball players don’t need to go to class, Texas proved today it is nonetheless a good idea that they at least learn enough math to know how to count to five. 

Or at least enough history to remember what happened to Chris Webber when he forgot that too.

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Seminoles 71 – Fighting Irish 57. This news upset Notre Dame alums, residents of South Bend, IN, Gainesville, FL and approximately no one else.

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#11 seed Marquette over #3 seed Syracuse. One overrated Big East team knocks off another overrated Big East team.

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“Boilermaker” – a drink consisting of a beer chaser and a shot of tequila, whiskey or vodka. And what sports fans will be drinking tonight who had Purdue into the Elite Eight.

A T & T is now buying T-Mobile. And the new company will encompass the former Pacific Bell, SBC (Southern Bell) and about half the other original Bell companies. So just how big does A T & T have to get before the government breaks them up again?

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My favorite current factoid from the 2011 NCAA tournament: As we await the Sweet Sixteen there are as many teams from the Big East left as there are from Richmond, Virginia.

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Mark Barron, Alabama’s leading tackler in 2010, was arrested last night for misdemeanor “hindering prosecution,” (whatever that means.) No word on whether the school will suspend him in 2011 for the game against Kent State or the game against North Texas.

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Tiger Woods’ new girlfriend is apparently a 22 year old student from Ohio attending a Florida branch of Michigan-based Northwood University. Northwood states their mission is to develop “future leaders of a global, free-enterprise society.” So she’s old enough to respect Tiger’s money from free enterprise, and young enough that she maybe doesn’t member the details of Tiger’s marriage.

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Facebook tells me I have 12 friends who “like” Sarah Palin. I will refrain from comments other than to say that this proves the ability of social media to forge friendships that transcend traditional social boundaries. (But, okay, guys, really?)

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John Boehner is criticizing President Obama again, this time saying he has a “responsibility to define what the mission in Libya is, better explain what America’s role is in achieving that mission, and make clear how it will be accomplished.” Surprising that a Republican would ever again use “mission” and “accomplished” in the same sentence.

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Jokes on trains, planes, but no automobiles…

December 23, 2009

For the second time in less than a week, Blackberry users suffered major outages with email messages on their phones. The outages lasted several hours Tuesday night/Wednesday morning and were apparently caused by high holiday communication volumes.. Wonder how many outgoing messages were “Dear Santa, bring me an IPhone?”

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American Airlines passengers apparently escaped serious injury Tuesday night when their plane way overshot a runway in Kingston, Jamaica and crashed into a fence. American has offered, however, both to cover medical bills and to credit passengers’ accounts with the extra frequent flier mile.
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Apparently Kate Hudson and Alex Rodriguez have ended their relationship. Apparently A-Rod felt that Kate cared too much about appearances and camera time. And she was beginning to think she was as pretty as him.

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Isn’t Alex Rodriguez saying someone is obsessive about their image like Sarah Palin issuing a press release complaining that the media won’t leave her alone?

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New Fighting Irish football coach Brian Kelly says the Notre Dame program has “some things that need to get fixed,” but that it is “not broken.” I think to paraphrase an ex-president “It depends on the what the definition of broken is…”

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Penn State coach Joe Paterno celebrated his 83rd birthday yesterday. While preparing for his team’s appearance in the Capital One Bowl Jan 1, He took time out to wish good luck in the Gator Bowl to his young friend Bobby Bowden.

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Eurostar cancelled all Chunnel train service last weekend, stranding thousands of holiday travelers. They are starting a reduced schedule Tuesday to and from London with limited service through December 28. Hard to believe but they have accomplished the impossible – making Amtrak look good.

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“Snuggies”, the blankets with arms, are flying off the shelves at most retailers. It’s an all-purpose gift; if a man gets one as a romantic gift for his wife instead of jewelry, he can use it himself when he sleeps on the couch.

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When things are annoying you it’s important to keep perspective. Just think of all those people after the 2008 U.S. Open playoff with Rocco Mediate who were complaining about too much Tiger Woods coverage.

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And this was forwarded me by a friend.

Jose Cuervo Christmas Cookies

1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup of brown sugar
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups of dried fruit
1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila

Sample the Cuervo to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the Cuervo again, to be sure it is of the highest quality,pour one level cup and drink. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one peastoon of sugar. Beat again.. At this point it’s best to make sure the Cuervo is still ok, try another cup just in case. Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Pick the frigging fruit off the floor. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaters just pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who geeves a sheet. Check the Jose Cuervo. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don’t forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the wishdasher.

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Not so academic All-American

December 9, 2009

The University of Texas regularly ranks amongst the lowest in football player graduation rates. In the meantime, quarterback Colt McCoy admitted he didn’t realize a thrown football must hit something before the clock stops, which almost cost his team the game against Nebraska.. Maybe next year the Longhorns will consider SOME required reading – the rulebook.

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Virgin Galactic is taking deposits for their planned 2011 passenger suborbital space flights. The price of the tickets is expected to be $200,000. With presumably about $100,000 extra in fuel surcharges and taxes, not to mention nominal charges for inflight snacks and beverages.

Wonder what their slogan will be – “Want to REALLY get away?

“Something special in the stratosphere?”

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Kate Gosselin – formerly of Jon and Kate plus 8 -apparently spent a few hours working at a North Carolina pancake house in preparation for a possible new reality show. The working title of that show? “Meet Tiger Woods.”

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Sarah Palin said that while Mike Huckabee made a “horrible decision” nine years ago to commute the prison sentence of the man suspected of killing four police officers in Washington, her “heart goes out” to the former Arkansas governor.

Just wondering, would she be as forgiving if the man had been pardoned by also former Arkansas governor Bill Clinton?

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Cincinnati coach Brian Kelly is rumored to be the leading candidate to replace Charlie Weis at Notre Dame. According to some media sources, this is partly to do with his being Irish Catholic. On the other hand, if he could lead them to a BCS bowl, my sense is the Fighting Irish would hire a direct descendant of Brigham Young.

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If Kelly replaces Weis, he will probably get at least a 6 year deal for about $20 million. Which based on the Notre Dame athletic department’s expectations, could mean over $6 million a year for his actual South Bend coaching career.

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The final joke is just sick and tacky, but what the heck?

Some wonder just how angry Elin Nordegren is getting as more and more details emerge about the number of Tiger’s “transgressions.” But apparently Elin’s only comment is that she wishes her husband had met Sahel Kazemi.

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Tiger’s worst drive continues…

December 1, 2009

After cancelling three meetings with police, Tiger Woods has announced he will simply not give a statement to law enforcement about his one-car crash. Which is odd, normally it doesn’t take Tiger that long to figure out how to play a bad lie.
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Or,

Continued stonewalling just doesn’t seem to make helping Tiger in the public relations department. You would think the best and perhaps smarter golfer in the world would know when to just take the penalty for an unplayable lie.

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So Tiger Wood’s reputed girlfriend claims she wants privacy and then hires Gloria Allred as her lawyer. Yeah, right. Even Sarah Palin refers to Allred as a “media whore.”

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(anyone who hates puns skip the next one.)

Rough Monday Night Football for Patriots fans. Who knew that the most damaging storm to hit New England this fall would be a cool Brees?

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Drew Brees threw for five touchdowns tonight to five different players. To put that in perspective, the Oakland Raiders have five passing touchdowns to three different players. For the SEASON.

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Serena Williams was fined a record $82,500 for her outburst during last year’s U.S. Open. Apparently it was the worst display of profanity in New York in September not involving the Mets’ bullpen.

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Mayor Bloomberg spent $102 million on his re-election. $102 million, for one win in New York. Curiously enough, that may be the final result for the Nets.

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Derek Jeter was named Sport Illustrated Sportsman of the Year. Apparently for his triumph over adversity in leading the Yankees back to a World Championship after an endless nine year drought and with only a $200 million payroll.

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In Charlie Weis’s final game at Notre Dame, Stanford’s Toby Gerhart rushed for 206 yards against the beleaguered Fighting Irish defense. Which means at least we got to find out the answer to an old question – “What happens when an irresistible force meets 11 movable objects?”

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A German tourist was arrested at Disney World after saying he had a bomb in his backpack. Apparently there was some confusion. What he meant was simply that he had an advance DVD copy of Old Dogs.

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A racing yacht, “The Kingdom of Bahrain,” and its British crew were seized by Iran, after the boat accidentally strayed into Iranian waters. The yacht is worth tens of millions of dollars. You’d think if someone spent that much on a boat they would have sprung for a TomTom.

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Cyber Monday.

November 30, 2009

Today is Cyber Monday. The day that makes employers long for those high productivity work days during March Madness.

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Many retailers are cautiously optimistic about weekend sales figures. Of course, faced with the alternative prospect of taking their daughters to see “New Moon,” wonder how many men said “Honey, let’s just go shopping?”

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Sarah Palin had announced she would be taking part in a 5K race this weekend in Washington but she decided to drop out citing potential crowds becoming a distraction. But the former Alaska governor will be back on the trail this week, signing books and criticizing President Obama for not following through on his promises.

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Celebrity Cruise Lines is introducing all-you-can-drink packages on board their ships. The packages range from $22 a day for frozen drinks, to $34.50 for beer, to $51.50 for regular drinks, to $76 for premium liquor like Grey Goose vodka. Payable in advance. So lets see, this means cruisers could spend several hundred a week up front for unlimited drinks. What could possibly go wrong?

(After all, it’s not like anyone on a ship has ever watched fellow passengers overindulge on a buffet line because “they’ve already paid for it.)

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Charlie Weis will probably be fired after leading the Fighting Irish to a 6-6 record. Which Notre Dame alums consider a major disappointment. Although Cleveland Browns fans would consider it a “bloody miracle.”

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Ditto Bobby Bowden, who is facing the wrath of Seminole fans for his own 6-6 record. Has he considered the Tampa Bay Buccaneers?

The NFL has achieved one thing with its goal of parity. A number of teams equally suitable for punchlines.

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Tiger Woods is discovering one problem with living in a gated community. He can’t blame his one-car crash on being distracted by a photographer.

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But maybe we should give Woods a little more time. He could just be finalizing an endorsement deal with 24 hour CVS or Walmart.

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An idle question. How many celebrities’ lives would be a lot less complicated, but how much harder would joke writers have to work, if one of the first requirements of being a well-paid star was a 24/7 car and driver?

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Much of the controversy still swirling around Adam Lambert’s performance on the American Music Awards has to do with the fact that parents claim to be upset about their children seeing such overt sexuality on television. And most also claim that it has nothing to do with being anti-gay.

CBS, however, while they had Lambert appear on the “Early Show,” blurred out images of him kissing a male band member.
Well, at least this week, the network is getting back to more traditional family entertainment. Dec 1, in primetime – “The Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show.”

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And finally from Nick Coombs:

“Wear eye-black for Tim Tebow” was considered a rousing success at Florida over the weekend. This proved much more successful than Notre Dame’s “black-eye for Jimmy Clausen” promotion.

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Win one for the Clipper?

May 22, 2009

Notre Dame’s football team is considering scheduling a game at Yankee Stadium.     So for that game will be team’s motto be “Win one for the Clipper?”

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So why would the Fighting Irish want to play in Yankee Stadium.  It’s home to an over-hyped, over-rated team with fans who have an over-inflated sense of their own self-importance.  Oh. Never mind.

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The NFL has decided to allow teams to sign licensing deals with state lotteries.  The Patriots were the first to sign a deal, with the state of… New England?

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Apparently the state of Michigan is talking to the Detroit Lions.   Such lottery tickets are likely to be very popular.  As Lions fans who buy tickets will have a better chance of winning the lottery than seeing their team win.

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So for the second time, Sean Penn and Robin Wright appear to have put their divorce plans on hold and are attempting a reconciliation.  Even Brett Favre is saying, “Dudes, make up your minds.”

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The San Francisco Giants continue their terrible hitting.  Especially when they have men on base.  In fact,  if this keeps up, A T and T park will have a new area code – 643.

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Former  Governor Rod Blagojevich is forbidden from leaving the country. But his wife  Patti will leave him with the family in Illinois for a while, and  take his place on the reality show in Costa Rica.   I think her reasoning was “Now I’m married to a celebrity, get me out of here.”

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Curlin and Rachel Alexandra

May 18, 2009

Horse racing’s newest star filly, Rachel Alexandra, will apparently be bred to Curlin, a former superstar in his own right.   Which will make them the most famous parents in the thoroughbred world.

Wonder if Curlin and Rachel will then adopt zebra foals from Africa?

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Or

Wonder if before they mate, if the filly will have to convert to Scientology?

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Arnold Schwarzenegger received an honorary degree at USC, although he never attended classes there.    Does this make him an honorary football player?

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Arnold Schwarzenegger received a honorary degree from USC.  The Trojans hope this increases the odds of a gubernatorial pardon for their basketball program.

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President Obama spoke at Notre Dame commencement Sunday and faced several hundred protesters who were upset at his pro-choice stance.  The protesters said it was nothing personal but they would protest any speaker on campus who was not anti-abortion.   Unless he could lead them to a New Year’s Day Bowl game.

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The NBA playoffs seem to go on forever, especially when series like Orlando-Boston and Houston-Los Angeles last seven games.  Though as the Lakers point out, in a seven game series, you only have to show up for four.

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Okay, a political thought here… but.

Apparently Republicans are already gathering ammunition and preparing their arguments against President Obama’s Supreme Court pick, even though Obama hasn’t actually announced his choice yet.

Not that this might affect his decision, but in the spirit of this so-called bipartisanship, have Republicans thought of actually suggesting a few names of candidates they actually think ARE qualified?

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Nancy Pelosi claims now that she did not know the CIA was engaging in waterboarding or other forms of forture.  Although in hindsight maybe she should have been suspicious when the CIA liasion who briefed her was Jack Bauer.

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Though I admit it, I am a fan of 24.  And usually end up supporting what Jack and his new cohort Renee do to get answers on the show.  But let’s be real… expecting torture to work because it works on 24, is like writing an analysis of marriage based on Desperate Housewives.

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