Posted tagged ‘Linsanity jokes’

The Past is Gone…..

March 30, 2012

Because we cannot remember it?

Aerosmith is touring again. Not to say the band is getting old, but their opening song may be “Walker this way.”

Stanford 75 – Minnesota 51. Go figure. Not only was the Cardinal in the regular season not good enough to make the NCAA’s, they weren’t even close to the best Pac 12 team in the NIT.

Jeremy Lin now says he “absolutely” believes divine intervention was at work in creating “Lin-sanity.” Which s basically what Tim Tebow says about his own success last fall. So what’s up now? Is God scouting MLB spring training for His/Her next project?

Former Maryland coach Gary Williams told Washington radio station he thought the Kentucky Wildcats could beat the NBA’s Washington Wizards. Heck, these days the Washington Generals could beat the Washington Wizards.

For comedy-writers trying to write bipartisan jokes, happy days are here again – Joe Biden is back on the campaign trail. Today referring to community college president Dr. Terry Paper in Iowa as “Dr. Pepper.”

Millions of Americans are lining up to buy tickets for the $540 Mega Millions jackpot this Friday. Makes sense, these are the same people voting for politicians who promise lower taxes with zero cuts in services they care about.

Omar Vizquel, 44, has made the Blue Jays roster for 2012. Jamie Moyer is sending his congratulations, adding “Omar is such a hardworking young man.”

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A company (J &D’s Foods) claims on their website that they are actually making a bacon coffin. “This genuine bacon casket is made of 18 Gauge Gasketed Steel with Premium Bacon Exterior/Interior.” Makes a certain amount of sense – be buried in what put you in the ground in the first place.

A 29 year-old man was caught at Philadelphia Airport with fireworks in his carryon bag. Apparently it was determined he is not a terrorist. But wonder if they charged him with felony stupidity.

The Donald, presumably bored with 2012, is predicting the next Democratic presidential primary, and saying “Hillary Clinton, I think, is a terrific woman. I just like her. I like her and I like her husband.” Is he angling for Clinton-Trump 2016?

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One problem facing Americans today is that it’s hard to tell the real news from the satire. (As in, is it the mainstream media, or the Onion?)

The Marlins just released Aaron Rowand. Which means he’ll be getting about as many big hits for Miami as he did last year for the San Francisco Giants.

Newt Gingrich apparently met secretly with Mitt Romney on Saturday. It could have been to talk about the race. Or maybe since Newt has been married now to his third wife Callista for 12 years, he just missed having secret meetings.

Star power.

February 26, 2012

Orlando police are apparently on the lookout to stop prostitutes trying to sell their services during NBA All-Star weekend. But some fans are crying foul. Unlike the Bobcats, Hornets and Wizards this year, the prostitutes are providing consistent value per entertainment dollar.

Academy Awards are right after the NBA All-Star game. And for fans of acting in the meantime, there’s Dwight Howard talking about how much Orlando means to him.

Mitt Romney is being lampooned for having less than 1000 people attend an event at Ford Field, which seats 65,000. Good thing I suppose that he didn’t schedule his speech at Michigan’s “Big House” in Ann Arbor. (Seating capacity 111,000.)

A security checkpoint and concourse at Sacramento Airport were shut down today after a metal detector was briefly left unattended, The airport did find and rescreen five people who had gone through during that time. And I trust TSA still made their quota on confiscating water, shampoo, cupcakes and snow globes.

Ashleymadison.com, a dating site for cheaters, says the city with their most members per capita (38,000) is Washington, D.C. “I’m shocked”, said absolutely no one. (And members of Congress don’t even claim the nation’s capital as their residence.)

ESPN.com headline from Daytona: “Danica Patrick is back in the race after hitting the wall” Sounds like Mitt Romney’s campaign. Repeatedly.

Amazing stuff in Arizona. Paul Babeu, the anti-immigration Republican sheriff, is finding many of his conservative constituents are accepting his being gay. Even though they strongly disapprove of his “lifestyle” in one man’s words. Guess it’s just a matter of which prejudice is stronger.

New manager Bobby Valentine said the Boston Red Sox have banned beer in the clubhouse. Wonder if any pitchers are thinking “Hmm, how does fried chicken go with whiskey?”

The P.C. police are taking over. Ben and Jerry’s is taking fortune cookies out of their “Lin-Sanity” ice cream because some people thought it was offensive.. Really? Where were all these folks with say, “Godfather’s Pizza?

Rick Santorum is going after Romney these days by saying “Folks, this is an issue of trust.” And yeah, for Santorum it’s all about trust. Unless that trust involves women making decisions.

Newt Gingrich promised at today’s California GOP convention that he would lower U.S. gas prices to $2.50 a gallon. And why should anyone doubt the promise of a man who has said “until death do us part” three times?

John Hinckley, who tried to kill President Ronald Reagan in 1981, said he would like to be known as “something other than a would-be assassin.” In related news the Kardashian sisters said they would like to be known for their intellectual sides.


From my funny friend Bill Littlejohn: After Raiders QB Jason Campbell called off his wedding at the last minute: “Jenny is reportedly trying to work out a trade for Carson Palmer.”

Red Sox owner John Henry talking about Boston being more careful about spending money. “It’s an advantage to have a big payroll with a small-market mentality.” Small market compared to who? Besides the Yankees?

Mitt Romney likes to talk about principles. But Mitt has the same relationship to his own principles as Newt Gingrich does to his marriages. (Maybe only one at a time but they don’t last.)