Posted tagged ‘Congress jokes’

Deadlines and more deadlines.

August 1, 2011

The Atlanta Braves lost their 10,000th game as a franchise this weekend. Not to be outdone, the Houston Astros showed at the trade deadline that they aspire to reach that mark this decade.


Astros GM Ed Wade responded to criticism of the team’s trading away their best players by saying “It’s not a fire sale.” “Fire?” – More like a cremation sale.


San Francisco Giants manager Bruce Bochy downplayed Miguel Tejada’s comments about returning from the DL as early as this week, saying “He’s still not able to move.”

Responded many regular Giants fans “And this is different from the rest of the season how?”


From Gary Morton in Seattle: The US Postal Service is going to feature online previews of the stamps in its 2012 collection. That’s great news for insomniacs when the Mariners have a day off.


Paul McCartney played two concerts this week at Wrigley Field. It’s the latest in the year fans at the stadium can remember seeing so many big hits.


Watching the debt ceiling process kind of makes me wish Congress also had a trade deadline.


A United Airlines plane had to divert briefly to Havana, Cuba, when the pilots noticed a burning smell on the plane. You could tell the hardcore frequent fliers on board. While many passengers wondered about being able to buy cigars, they were the ones calculating the extra mileage United owed them.

(The diversion appears to have been about an extra 100 miles)

New research suggests that fatty foods may not just taste good, they may alter the brain’s response to sadness, thus literally serving as “comfort foods.”

I can see it now – Prescription Happy Meals.


Not to say that President Obama surrendered on the debt ceiling deal. But he got a congratulatory phone call from France.


So Plaxico Burress is now a member of the New York Jets. Well, he may not know the team’s playbook, but at least he’s familiar with the state’s penal code.

Tiger Woods has announced he will play in this year’s Australian Open. Insert “Down under” joke here.


Campaigning in Iowa, Newt Gingrich said President Obama has been “totally irresponsible.” And who would know totally irresponsible better than a man who left two sick wives for younger women.

Raiders of the Just Plain Lost.

January 20, 2011

LeBron James has announced his new cartoon series “The LeBrons,” that will “teach our nation’s online youth about the importance of morality and honor in a young person’s life.” (No, I am not making this up.) Will lesson one be “Don’t let your ego lead you into bad Decisions?” 

Rush Limbaugh  mocked China’s president Hu Jintao by speaking in nonsensical, ersatz Chinese.

Okay, fine, a comedian may claim not to be racist and still mock a politician’s unintelligible speech, but if so, why didn’t Rush mock George W Bush by speaking in nonsensical ersatz English?

The GOP-led house today voted to repeal “Obamacare,” in a largely symbolic vote intended to express their distaste for a government role in healthcare. Well, if they feel that strongly about it, why don’t they all take the larger symbolic step of giving up their OWN government-paid healthcare.

At this year’s Super Bowl fans will have the opportunity to spend $200 to sit outside Cowboys Stadium on the lawn and watch the game on a big screen.   Inspired by the idea, for the 2011 season, the New York Yankees are already negotiating with Bronx officials about leasing any available park  or lawn space near their stadium.

And President Obama said he will go to the Super Bowl if his beloved Bears win on Sunday.  No word on how much Cowboys owner Jerry Jones will charge him for tickets.

New Raiders coach Hue Jackson said the team is “chasing greatness.” Yes, like dogs chase cars.

(And with about the same chance of actually catching their target.)

Al Davis now seems to think Hue Jackson is the answer for the Oakland Raiders. Of course, each time Larry King probably always believes that “death do us part” stuff too

A recent survey, complete with breath tests, outside of MLB and NFL stadiums showed that eight percent of fans left the games legally drunk. Shocking. If true this means 92 percent of fans were theoretically sober?

Congresswoman Giffords is making great progress in her recovery and will soon be moved to a  rehabilitation facility, where according to her doctors “she will have to relearn how to think and plan.”  When she does that, maybe she can also teach some of her fellow members in Congress?

There were apparently short toasts at the White House Wednesday night before the state dinner for Chinese President Hu Jintao. And Jintao’s toast of course preceded that of President Obama. Because we all know the protocol – Hu’s on first