Posted tagged ‘bank jokes’

Bad actors?

May 14, 2012

NBA commissioner David Stern, on allegations of “flopping” by the Miami Heat.   “I think it’s time to look at (it) in a more serious way.  We should give out Oscars rather than MVP trophies.” Unless of course our MVP’s are doing the acting.

 

On a more serious note, for those worried about signs of the apocalypse,  the headline  “Clippers win playoff series”  has to be right up there.

 

 

Metta says he won’t shake hands with James Harden. So once again we have the disappointment of no handshake for World Peace.

Milwaukee Brewers closer John Axford says said his blown save this week put his wife into labor. If true, there should be a lot of new baby Mets fans born today on Mother’s Day.

(for those who missed the train wreck, New York took a 4-2 lead into the bottom of the ninth in Miami, and lost 8-4.)

 

 

A dancing dog won “Britain’s Got Talent.” I guess a “Dancing With the Stars” Nancy Grace joke would be inappropriate….

 

(or as Augie says, “if were a dancing bitch, a Bristol Palin joke would have been inappropriate.”)

 

Man City won the EPL title in a major upset on a goal difference today. And most Americans responded “I have no idea what that sentence means.”

 

The CEO of JPMorgan Chase said his bank made a “terrible, egregious mistake” in losing $2 billion trading credit derivatives in the last six weeks. But says the bank is still very strong. Well, yeah $2 billion is only a fraction of the $25 billion they received in TARP money.

 

And on the subject of mistakes, egregious and otherwise,  of course many Americans know how wonderfully understanding Chase is when a mistake makes a customer late with a credit card bill.

 

 

 

Yahoo CEO Scott Thompson apparently has resigned.  What next? Well, it ought to be interesting when he sits down with a recruiter and his resume.

 

 

 

The Los Angeles Kings took a 1-0 lead tonight in the NHL Western Conference Final. “That’s awesome” was the second most common response in Los Angeles. “We  have a hockey team?” was the first.

The “shake” heard round the world.

October 18, 2011

Okay, most serious football fans weren’t surprised that Jim Harbaugh has already gotten into it with another NFL coach. But 90 percent of those in the pool had Pete Carroll.


T.C. says “Breaking News: UFC 138 Headliner now changed to Harbaugh vs Schwartz.”


After the “shake heard round the world”, Jim Harbaugh is now saying that he will personally attempt to get better at the postgame handshake.” But let’s be real here, if he planned these handshakes in the first place, who other than Harbaugh himself thought the 49ers coach would be doing much more than congratulating his opponents.

So tomorrow it will be the Cardinals vs. the Rangers in the World Series. Well, at least we know the BCS has nothing to do with baseball – otherwise it would be the Phillies against the Yankees in the series. With St. Louis and Texas in something like the Tostitos Tournament.


How unpopular is Mitt Romney with Tea Party members? Herman Cain is just the latest of several candidates to vault into a tie in the polls for the GOP Presidential nomination. In fact, some dislike Romney so much they may still support Cain after they figure out he’s black.

The Oakland Raiders, 4-2, are looking for a temporary QB now that Jason Campbell will be sidelined for 6-8 weeks with a broken collarbone. Rumor has it they already sent someone to Hattiesburg, MS to put up a billboard saying “No thanks Brett.”

A new law in California will require children to be in booster seats until they are 4’9″ or eight years old, whichever comes first. Good thing about that “whichever comes first,” kids like Doug Flutie would be in boosters through high school.

Okay, so maybe the Cardinal isn’t getting any BCS love, but there are different measures of success. And how’s this one? The Stanford football game Saturday against Washington is SOLD OUT. And tickets are being scalped at twice face value and up on Stubhub.

Okay, regarding this maybe slightly simplistic 9-9-9 tax plan: So new goods get taxed, and used goods don’t. Well, for starters, that would mean that a buyer of the most basic model 2012 Nissan Versa would pay tax, and a buyer of a 2010 S-Class Mercedes wouldn’t.

Martin Sheen praised President Obama today and said he’s the “only adult in the room.” Well, if anyone knows about being the only adult in the room, it’s Charlie Sheen’s father.


Wells Fargo reported third-quarter net income of $4.1 billion, up 21% from a year ago. The bank earned 72 cents a share, although analysts had expected 73 cents. You know what that means… banking fees are going up.

After an extremely contentious divorce, Frank McCourt got the Dodgers, and his ex-wife Jamie got $130 million. Guess Frank got the short straw.

Frank and Jamie McCourt have reached a divorce settlement. She gets $130 million, he gets to keep the Dodgers. This is good news, for Giants fans.

Fans of several lousy NFL teams are now hoping their teams continue to lose in a “Suck For Luck” strategy. Andrew Luck himself was interviewed about the idea, and responded. “I think it’s stupid. Simply put.” Fans of the Dolphins, Rams and Colts responded – “Uh, since you’re supposed to be the smart guy from Stanford, clearly you haven’t seen our current QBs play this year.”