Posted tagged ‘Northwest jokes’

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Awaiting the Winter Classic.

October 26, 2009

Yet another example of why we all love the Yankees….

C.C. Sabathia, after New York won the ALCS “It’s not really a surprise that we are here.

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Makes sense now that they are the Los Angeles Angels instead of the California Angels. More “E’s

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Questions of the day.

What’s more likely?

President Obama getting more than 1 or 2 Senate Republicans to vote for his healthcare bill.

or

The Washington Redskins winning another game this season?

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First Steve Phillips was fired for his latest affair with a young staffer, after basically leaving the Mets for the same reason. Now Bob Griese has been suspended for a stupid racial remark about NASCAR driver Juan Pablo Montoya. Is it time to change the network’s slogan to “Expect Something Puerile Nightly?”

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According to his publicist, fired ESPN analyst Steve Phillips has checked himself into a rehab center and is “not a sleazebag.” So what makes a man someone who “just needs help” and not a sleazebag? Apparently having the money for rehab.

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So the Northwest pilots’ latest excuse is that they were working on their laptops on “crew scheduling.” Wonder what “crew scheduling” is the code for – porn or “Freecell?”

And if they actually were distracted because the crew scheduling was complicated, what happens when they have to do something even more complicated. Like reading a 757’s instruction manual?

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The Pac 10 today suspended an official for missing a personal foul/face mask call in the USC-Oregon State game. After a OSU touchdown, USC safety Taylor Mays basically ripped the receiver’s helmet off. No word from the Trojans on any disciplinary action for Mays. Maybe the school’s initials should be UCS, University of Cheap Shots.

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Commie pinko thought of the night.

If government messes everything up and the public option is such a bad idea, how come we aren’t hearing about all the demonstrations from seniors who want to be released from Medicare?

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Baseball, the BCS and other rants…

October 26, 2009

So major league baseball plays a 162 game season, with often only two days off a month, to find the best and most durable teams. Then the league makes the first round of the playoffs three out of five, and schedule the rest of them so far apart that the Yankees and Angels have played eight games in the past twenty days. MLB is making the BCS look good.

Well, almost. BCS rant of the week. Okay, Alabama came a blocked field goal away from losing to a mediocre Tennessee team, and jumps to number 1? USC makes a big point of saying how they won’t get blindsided by lowly Oregon State, again, wins only by six points, and jumps from 7 to 4? And Florida doesn’t cover the spread against Mississippi State and stays at 2.

In the meantime Cincinnati with a backup quarterback knocks off Louisville by 38, and they end up falling three spots to 8.

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But yeah, we can’t have a playoff because a few extra weeks would adversely affect academics for the student athletes involved…. Right, which means the FSU players who tested at a second grade reading level would slip down to first?
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Speaking of student athletes- this Tweet was reported in the Los Angeles Times to have come from freshman UCLA football player, Randall Carroll, it was noted because of the racial slur directed against offensive coordinator Norman Chow.

“man oregon, stanford and cal should have been easy wins ,, but [expletive] thys [racial slur] norm chow dnt be trustin us ,, so it is what it is.”

Anyone really think two extra weeks of class here might make a difference? Not that UCLA is going to any major bowls anytime soon.

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“Paranormal” beat out “Saw VI” at the box office office in a battle of scary films. Although objectively speaking, the scariest film of the weekend was still probably the Raiders game tape.

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Raiders lineman Richard Seymour last week guaranteed that Oakland would make the playoffs this year. With all due respect, I’m not sure the Raiders would make the BCS rankings.

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A study conducted for League of American Voters last week said that almost 50 percent of those who watch Fox News regularly claim they are Democrats or independents. Translation, almost half of Fox viewers would never tell the truth to a “commie pinko” government survey.

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While driving towards towards the end zone for a potential winning touchdown late in the game, Brett Favre missed his receiver and the ball was intercepted and run back for a touchdown. Wonder if Favre and his offense had been having a “heated discussion” in the huddle?

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The two pilots who were unreachable for over an hour and flew past Minneapolis have been suspended. And they may lose their jobs. On the brighter side, they could be offered the chance to do promotional spots for Verizon – “Can you hear me now?”

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More Northwest.

October 25, 2009

Quote from the co-pilot on that wayward Northwest flight: “It was not a serious event, from a safety issue,”

Try that the next time a policeman pulls you over for a minor traffic violation.

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Once again, though, where is Steve Martin when you need him?. As the pilots keep dissembling about their excuse for not landing in Minneapolis the first time….maybe it’s time for that classic SNL skit about why he didn’t pay his taxes. “I FORGOT.”

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Napa police said they didn’t think they had enough evidence to get a conviction. And Tom Cable will apparently not be disciplined by the NFL for the incident that resulted in his ex-assistant Randy Hanson ending up with a broken jaw.

In the meantime, the league, ever vigilant, has fined Ocho Cinco $10,000 for last week’s game, when he wore the wrong color chin-strap.

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In the meantime, the NFL is trying to expand their fan base by having the New England Patriots and Tampa Bay Buccaneers play in London, England. The game will techniically be a home game for Tampa.

Commissioner Roger Goddell has stated he thinks the league could eventually put a franchise in London. If that’s the the plan, you think he might have sent another team than the 0-6 Bucs?

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Although to give Goddell credit, maybe he figures since English fans are used to low-scoring football (ie soccer) games, maybe the perfect team WOULD be the Buccaneers.

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Meanwhile, in the NHL, the Toronto Maple Leafs are off to their worst start in history with no wins, seven losses and a tie. 0-7-1.

Or as the Rams call that, something to aspire to.

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Stay tuned for Leafs management coming up with a list of things that are worse than kissing your sister.

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Speaking at a $400 a plate luncheon in Montreal, Canada, George W. Bush said that as president he “did not sell his soul.”

Many liberals would actually agree, since they never thought he had one.

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In the same speech, however, Bush said he did regret his appearance on that aircraft carrier in 2003 in front of that banner reading “Mission Impossible.”

Yes, he DID. Actually “Mission Impossible” would have been more accurate.

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America’s team?

October 24, 2009

If anyone doubts who the national media expects and wants in the World Series, check out this headline from SI.com -“An Angels win in Game 6 would likely limit CC Sabathia to two World Series starts.”

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So the Obama adminstration wants to limit salaries when corporations take government money. Since their new stadium used some public funds, we may have just found a way to rein in the Yankees.

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A woman gave birth on a flight over Malaysia. The airline, Air Asia, will give her and her son free flights for life. In the U.S. they would have charged her for an extra carry-on.

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The first explanation from the Northwest pilots who missed Minneapolis was that they were engaged in a “heated discussion” about airline policy. If so, what policy? The one that tells them to ask for directions? Or read a map? Or has the airline started charging pilots for their onboard happy hour?

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Stand by for more excuses for the pilots. Maybe they would have been better off saying they were distracted by a little boy flying past in a balloon.

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Some people cannot believe the two male pilots could be completely oblivious to all communications for an hour and 20 minutes. These people have clearly not observed enough men watching the second half of a close football game.

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And as mentioned yesterday, the indecision on landing in Minneapolis does suggest Brett Favre might have been involved. Since the plane overshot the airport by 150 miles, however, Bill Littlejohn suggests that the NFL player in the cockpit might have been JaMarcus Russell.

But had it been Russell, the FAA would have had no problem intercepting them.

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Mayumi Heene, the wife of “balloon boy” dad Richard Heene, now says the whole incident was a hoax. Her husband still maintains that he has been telling the truth. I don’t know about a reality show, but maybe they could compete with Jon and Kate on a new version of “Family Feud.”

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The Washington Redskins have announced Jim Zorn will remain their coach through the end of the season. Translation, they can’t find anyone else to take the job.

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Representative Alan Grayson of Florida recently referred to former Vice President Cheney as a “vampire.” The comment has earned Grayson a fair amount of criticism, but perhaps none angrier than from the Vampire Anti-Defamation League.

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A few weak jokes for a weak douchebag:

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So Steve Phillips, suspended from his job at ESPN because of a sex scandal with a 22 year old assistant, had to take a leave from his previous job with the Mets because of a sex scandal and a confession of “multiple affairs” there too.

Maybe he thought ESPN stood for Extramartial Sex Preferred Nightly?

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No word yet on if Steve will confess to multiple affairs at the network too. Though perhaps among the women who work in Bristol. a possible new topic of water cooler conversation is “Ever Seen Phillips Naked?

Yo, Steve, it’s PLAYS of the week. Not Player of the Week.

Kind of ironic though, ESPN is the network that at first refused to report on the rape allegations against Ben Roethlisberger.
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First Letterman with his production assistants, now Phillips with his production assistant. Wonder how many networks received a call today about potentially hosting a show from Bill Clinton?

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Yet more off days…

October 22, 2009

Due to television scheduling the Yankees-Angels had a day between games four and five, and now have another day between games five and six. This is certainly a record playoff year for “off days.” Including for the umpires.

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For what it’s worth, had New York won tonight, the World Series wouldn’t have started for six days. Which might have given Yankees fans enough time to take out mortgages to buy Series tickets.

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Yahoo has now apologized for using lap dancers to entertain male software developers and engineers in Taiwan last weekend during a “brainstorming meeting.” Yeah, was that really the brain they wanted to encourage the men to use?

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So after bypassing Minneapolis the first time, a Northwest Airlines jet made a U-turn and ended up landing there safely. Who was flying the plane – Brett Favre?

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A Northwest Airlines plane flying from San Diego overshot Minneapolis airport by 150 miles yesterday before the crew discovered their mistake and turned around. My question, do the passengers get 300 extra frequent flier miles?

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Maybe Dodgers fans should cut Manny Ramirez some slack for his weak performance in the NLCS. It’s tough to play with post-partum depression.

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Manny Ramirez not only finished the NLCS with a .263 batting average and only 2 RBIs, he had left the dugout was taking a shower during the Phillies comeback in game 4. Though as Bill Littlejohn says “Well, he was the cleanup hitter.”
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It has now been 21 years since the Dodgers got to the World Series. On a more positive note, the team issued a press release saying that by not needing a victory parade, they have cut down on their carbon footprint.

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California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger is trying to fast-track a potential new NFL stadium in Los Angeles in hopes of luring a franchise to the city. And he stated “A team does not have to necessarily come from a California city,” he said. “It can come from somewhere else, or it could be a new team that is created.”

Translation, not even Los Angeles wants the Raiders, 49ers or Chargers.

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For that matter, presumably Los Angeles doesn’t want the Rams back either.

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Listening to ESPN baseball analysts discuss Saturday’s Yankees-Angels game and claiming that a team’s history doesn’t make any difference to a current team of players who weren’t even there. Two words – Chicago Cubs.

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This last may not make sense to anyone under 40. But Soupy Sales died Thursday at the age of 83. Wonder if his tombstone will read “Fit to be Pied?”

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