Posted tagged ‘Larry Ellison jokes’

Our Cup runneth over.

September 26, 2013

Way over, this thing was supposed to be done a week ago….

Oracle Team USA has won the America’s Cup. In rowing, the winning team tosses the coxswain in the water. Any way Team USA can toss Larry Ellison in the bay?

But really, leave it to Larry Ellison to engender the maximum hate at all times. As Oracle Team USA came back to set up a single final race for the America’s Cup, there were ZERO hotel rooms anywhere near San Francisco, because of… Oracle World.

New Zealand has to be wondering what happened.  Are we sure that last week they didn’t add to their team a nice new sailor named Buckner?

Another thing about Oracle Team USA America’s Cup win today. Finally, someone has won one for our country’s poor downtrodden billionaires.

The Yankees have been officially eliminated from the 2013 postseason race. “Bummer,” said almost nobody outside New York and/or ESPN.

The FBI is now saying the Navy Yard shooter was “delusional.” What was their first clue?

The U.S. Senate just voted 100-0 to move ahead with a bill to keep the government running through Nov. 15. 100-0? Did Ted Cruz decide he likes Green Eggs & Ham.    (Thank you, thank you, Uncle Sam I Am?)

Ted Cruz spoke against Obamacare for 22 hours, but he took breaks of up to an hour. Wendy Davis spoke against closing women’s clinics in Texas for 13 hours, with NO breaks. ZERO. Not even bathroom breaks. Weaker sex, my a**.

Maybe someone should warn #TedCruz that “The Lorax” is not an ode to development.

Barry Zito’s last start as an Giant in SF not quite the same as Mariano Rivera day at Yankee Stadium. But how many teams who’ve lost in the postseason wish they had someone perform like Zito did in 2012. Remember #Rallyzito

And hey so possibly denying LA home field advantage in the playoffs is a bit of a come down from a World Series title… But hey, SF Giants fans have learned to enjoy the little things.

The Post Office is seeking a 3 cent increase in the price of stamps. Assume they announced their plan on Facebook and Twitter.

The Tampa Bay Rays, who will probably make the playoffs, are dead last in attendance, with 18,646 average per game, and the team owner has been quoted as saying “For some reason, people are choosing not to come out as they do in other parts of the country for Major League Baseball.” Apparently he hasn’t spent any time in the stadium either.

Terrellle Pryor was apparently told to stop tweeting after he posted “I don’t remember much! Good hit by whoever it was. I heard our team fought well … We will be back!” The NFL really doesn’t want players tweeting with possible concussions, although actually concussions might explain many idiot tweets…

In a trial over an alleged assault at Aldon Smith’s party last year, the prosecutor said the 49ers LB was stabbed after he used a .45 caliber handgun to fire a warning shot that he hoped would force guests to leave. Wonder if someone has told Smith,  to declare the party over, it’s simpler to turn out the lights or shut down the bar.

On and off the level.

June 21, 2012

The BCS commissioners along with Notre Dame’s AD say they are working on a 4 team playoff for a football national championship . Presumably they will release the format as soon as they decide whether the Fighting Irish should be eligible with 3 or as many as 4 losses.

The WBO review had all 5 judges on their review agree Manny Pacquiao beat Timothy Bradley’s. but they will not overturn the official result. And Pacquiao himself says he prefers a rematch over a reversal. Which will net all involved millions of dollars. How could anyone imagine that boxing is fixed?

Wednesday afternoon score – Arizona 14, Seattle 10. So who started the NFL preseason when I wasn’t looking? –

Mitt Romney’s sons said tonight on Conan they tried to convince their dad not to run. So Mitt wants us to believe he’ll listen to ordinary Americans? He won’t even listen to his family.

 

Larry Ellison has purchased 98% of the island of Lanai. Wonder how long it will take for him to announce his plans for domination of the other Hawaiian islands?

Cory Booker was on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno this week.  Booker, the charismatic mayor of Newark,  achieved superhero status in many minds when he ran into a burning building to save a woman.

Of course,  if President Obama had done the same thing,  Republicans would accuse him of  too much government involvement interfering with hardworking firefighters.

More in the “Crazy States Derby:” Arizona making a move with Sec. of State Ken Bennett, modifying the birther controversy: “I actually think he (Obama) was fibbing about being born in Kenya when he was trying to get into college and doing things like writing a book and on and on and on.”

UConn is the only major men’s basketball program among 7 who are ineligble for post-season play based on low APRs (Academic Progress Rate). Only Hampton, North Carolina A & T and Texas Southern are banned in football. So the rest of the schools are doing fine with their student athletes….? Wonder how the NCAA sent out the press release with a straight face.

Oil prices fell to an eight-month low today. Wonder which airline will be the first to somehow figure out a way to use that news to raise the fuel surcharge. –

After New York mayor Bloomberg proposed a ban on large sugary sodas, the mayor of Cambridge, Mass. announced she wants to ban both large sugary beverages AND free refills. Your move, San Francisco.

Drew Brees is being criticized for tweeting “If NFL fans were told there were ‘weapons of mass destruction’ enough times, they’d believe it.” Maybe what Brees should have tweeted was that Goodell thinks by punishing the Saints his campaign to stop players attempting deliberately injuring each other will be “mission accomplished.”

Oil and other leaks.

July 16, 2010

BP says that at this point there is no more oil flowing into the Gulf. Isn’t this like Tiger Woods telling Elin last Thanksgiving that there were no more women?


Much of the world is hoping against hope that this latest fix attempt does indeed mean an end to the nonstop oil spill. Wouldn’t it be nice to go back to a time where the most disgusting leak of the week was taken by Ben Roethlisberger on a golf course?

In California, Meg Whitman is spending $150 million to try to win the Governor’s race in a nearly bankrupt state. Now a team led by Joe Lacob and Peter Guber is spending $450 million to buy the Golden State Warriors, a team that won 26 games last year. Are Californians the worst shoppers in the world or what?

Actually, the new Warriors ownership group outbid Larry Ellison. I guess at some point that Ellison figured, “well, heck, for that amount of money I could buy the governorship of California three times.


Tiger Woods is using a new putter at the British Open, for the first time since 1999. And he has been catching some flak in the media for having been more faithful to his old putter than to his soon to be ex-wife Elin. In Tiger’s defense, however, he says he has been a lot more successful scoring with his putter.


Now it looks like Apple execs, including Steve Jobs, knew about the antenna problem and released the iPhone 4G anyway. Note to Apple, when a large part of your brand is “We’re not Microsoft,” it’s probably a good idea not to act like Microsoft

An 18th century ship hull has apparently been found at the World Trade Center site. The find is historically important on many levels, not least of which is that it may contain initials carved into the wood by Ensign John McCain.


Latest potential Mel Gibson movie sequel? “What Women DON’T Want.”


Okay, how slow a news day was Thursday on ESPN.com? This was an actual headline – “Favre remains undecided about return.” Tune in tomorrow when no doubt they will follow with the headlines saying “Yankees will spend what it takes to win,” and “Tiger declines to answer questions about his personal life.”


At this point signing up to be Lindsay Lohan’s lawyer is like signing up to be BP’s public relations agency.

The “They REALLY don’t get it” award for the year has to go to the Vatican for their latest decree intended to make it easier to prosecute abusive priests. The Church included a provision that made the “attempted ordination” of women a “grave offence” on a par with the sex abuse of minors.


George Steinbrenner has only been dead for a few days, but says my friend Bill Littlejohn, “Already all of the ‘Angels in the Outfield’ have been traded.”