Archive for January 2009

Heterosexual with issues.

January 31, 2009

Disgraced former minister Ted Haggard said on “Oprah” and he is not gay, he is just “heterosexual with issues.”

In related news, Bill Clinton and John Edwards said they were not cheating husbands, they were just “monogamous with issues.”


And by that standard, our country’s not in a recession. We’re just in a strong economy with issues.


As America’s favorite singing competition heads into it’s eighth year, Fox is also considering a show about George W. Bush during his eight years in office. The working title – “American Idle.”

World Baseball Classic games that are still tied going into the 13th inning, the WBC will use an odd international baseball rule . From that point on innings will start with runners on first and second. This rule apparently was inspired by the Mets bullpen.


This year’s Super Bowl might draw one of the smallest viewing audiences in recent memory. The audience will, however, be boosted by the fact that most Americans can’t afford to go to the movies instead.


You know NBC is worried about the potential appeal of an Arizona – Pittsburgh matchup. In fact, rumor has it they are marketing the game ad time as the pre and post concert show for Bruce Springsteen.


Scary thought of the night – Bruce Springsteen is 12 years older than our President.

Rod, we hardly knew ye…

January 30, 2009

Despite the rough economy, Americans are a resilient lot. Comedy writers, for example, shrugged off the departure of President Bush and vowed to persevere. But now losing Governor Blagojevich. That’s serious.

But for a farewell tour…

Governor Rod Blagojevich asked Illinois state senators how they could throw him out of office when he was “clamoring” and “begging” for a chance to prove his innocence. How? 59-0, that’s how.

Might as well say this now, because who knows when it could change.

As of today, January 30, Illinois’s governor is neither under investigation or indictment.


Barack Obama, in another landmark political move, actually admitted he is rooting for one team over another in the Super Bowl. Our new President is rooting for the Steelers, although he says he admires veteran Cardinals quarterback Kurt Warner.

Of course, who better than Obama to know not to bet on the old white guy from Arizona?


The U.S. banking bailout may cost a trillion dollars. Wow. A trillion dollars. That’s enough money to outfit Sarah Palin for over a year.


Now that Joe Torre has co-authored a new tell-all book about the Yankees, the team is considering a confidentialty clause in future so that players and staff cannot tarnish the team’s reputation in print.

Instead, they’ll just have to do it on the field.

(Or by dating Madonna.)


In the wake of Joe Torre’s new book, Yankees officials are considering steps to ensure that all future volumes about the team are “positive in tone.” Which means that no one will be allowed to write a book about the Bronx Bombers in the playoffs.

In Rod we trust…

January 29, 2009

Embattled Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich just keeps coming up with more and more rationales and excuses for his behavior. Any day now expect to hear that he is simply trying to be a one-man comedy stimulus program.

Both Super Bowl teams are particularly excited this year about winning and thus getting to meet President Barack Obama. Right now, the Arizona Cardinals are favored to lose by about seven points. Which puts them right on track for a meeting with Senator John McCain.



Despite major losses in the last two elections, and despite the President’s willingness to talk to them, House Republican leaders told their members to vote against any stimulus bill Obama proposed. Isn’t this kind of like the team captains of the Detroit Lions telling fellow players not to pay any attention to the new coach?


The NFL has already sold over 70,000 seat for next October’s game in London between the Patriots and Buccaneers. In the meantime, tough economic conditions in the U.S. have the 49ers and Raiders thinking of sharing a stadium. Have they considered Wembley?


The Oakland Raiders are reputedly hiring Tom Cable as their 2009 head coach, thus removing the “interim” from his title. With all due respect, shouldn’t “interim” be required in any Raiders’ head coach’s title?

That Bush highlight video

January 28, 2009

Apparently on George W. Bush’s flight back to Texas, they played a highlight video of his presidency. Or that was the explanation for the blank screen when the plane’s projector went out.

On the way back to Texas, staff travelling with George W. Bush showed a video of accomplishments from his presidency. For curious Americans, that video will be sold in a boxed set, along with a video of Cubs’ World Series highlights.


A Wisconsin court just ruled that cheerleading is a contact sport. And that was just based on scenes after the tryouts.

or

A Wisconsin court just ruled that cheerleading is a contact sport. And that was just the mothers at the tryouts.


President Obama has moved swiftly to ban torture. Does this mean Disney will have to close their Small World ride?


Sarah Palin has now created a new political action committee – SarahPac. I don’t know about you…but doesn’t SarahPac sound like something overpriced in the handbag department at Neiman Marcus?


A Stanford law school graduate has pled guilty to tax evasion, Apparently she did not file tax returns for her escort service, which was simply a front for her work as a high-price call girl. Escort services around California now worry that their businesses may get a bad reputation – customers will think they are full of lawyers.

So Citigroup was planning on using some of our bailout money to purchase a new $50 million corporate jet.

Where’s a flock of Canadian Geese when you need them?

The Terrell Owens show…

January 27, 2009

Terrell Owens has announced he will be hosting his own reality show on VH1 this summer. This marks the first time the words “T.O” and “reality” have been used in the same sentence.


Washington D.C. is getting back to normal. The Metro is less crowded, streets have reopened, and the only disappointed ticket holders are Wizards fans.


Should we be surprised that Governor Rod Blagojevich thought of offering Obama’s Senate seat to Oprah. He knew she could afford it.

More from the “purple tunnel of doom.”

January 26, 2009

First, in case that reference is too “inside baseball” – the Purple Tunnel of Doom refers to all the thousands inaugural ticket holders who missed the ceremony because they were stuck in endless security lines…some actually IN a tunnel on their way to the gates. Blue ticket holders had the privilege of at least being stuck in the sunshine, albeit the 25 degree sunshine.

Anyway…

Actually, until last week the “Purple Tunnel of Doom” just referred to the tunnel from the locker room to the field used by the Minnesota Vikings in their Super Bowls.


Now that the Bush team has left the White House, get ready for a flood of tell-all books about the adminstration. Especially as in the this case, all the former staffers and potential authors are confident their boss will never read them.

Barack Obama still maintains he will have an open door policy with Republicans. Of course, to maintain some semblance of order, access to that door will be done by a system of purple tickets.


Since President Obama’s inauguration, Oregon State’s usually lowly men’s basketball team, now coached by Barack’s brother-in-law Craig Robinson, is 2-0, with upsets of Cal and Stanford on the road.

When this college basketball season is over, wonder if Barack will send Craig on a humanitarian rescue mission – to the Wizards.


It’s been a rough time recently for Roger Clemens. Not only are the feds convening a grand jury against the former pitcher, but Roger’s performance last year didn’t even get him nominated for an Oscar.

For our Neighbors to the North, a few hockey jokes.

The NHL All-Star game ended in a shoot-out with the East beating the West 12-11. Most Americans found this shocking…the NHL had an All-Star game?

The NHL All-Star game ended with the East winning 12-11. 12-11? Where did they play the game, Coors Field?

(Actually, if there were more 12-11 games, there might be more Americans watching hockey.)

Nearly one week after the inaugural…

January 24, 2009

President Obama has almost completed his first week of work. And former President Bush has almost completed his 417th week of doing nothing.

“Former president George W. Bush” Five words that bring a smile to millions of Americans, and tears to most would-be comedy writers.

President Obama’s first approval rating trounces that of his predecessor. But let’s be fair, isn’t trouncing George Bush’s approval rating like beating the Detroit Lions.

(or substitute, Washington Wizards, Oklahoma City Thunder, or – for Canadian readers – the Ottawa Senators.)


During the bye-week before the Super Bowl, NFL fans are facing a Sunday without professional football. Detroit Lions fans say “And your point is?”

For this year’s Miss America pageant, four of the top 15 finalists were voted in by viewers of the reality show, “Miss America: Countdown to the Crown.” Ah, so THAT explains the finals appearance of Sanjaya.


And as a honorary member of “Survivors of the Purple Tunnel of Doom.” (translation, I was given a blue ticket and couldn’t make it inside either, along with probably 20,000 or so others.), may I propose this t-shirt)

“Inaugural ticket security – brought to you by the people who brought you FEMA.”

As we approach the Super Bowl, here’s a cheerful thought for the woeful Detroit Lions. This fall they only had one less win than Barack Obama.

A whole new world..

January 24, 2009

Okay, let’s be real? Which sounded more likely a couple years ago? Our first black president or the Cardinals in the Super Bowl?


Actually most sports fans aren’t that surprised that the Cardinals are playing a meaningful game in February. After all, they’re pretty serious about spring training.


With all the talk about Barack Obama being our first black president, it’s easy for most Americans to forget – his mother was white. And possibly descended from royalty. How else did Obama end up with Prince Charles’s ears?

Embattled Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich now says that he was the victim of a “plot to raise taxes,” and compares the day he was arrested to Pearl Harbor. Even Larry Craig is saying “this guy is delusional.”

Okay, we are not quite done with US Air jokes…

January 23, 2009

George W. Bush said his years in office had not diminished America’s standing in the world. And in fact, after Obama’s inaugural, when the former president’s plane took off for Texas, Canada sent a 21 geese salute.


J. Crew announced that their website crashed after an overwhelming number of Americans tried to order the Obama girls’ coats online.

So while Barack is trying hard to get an economic stimulus program, apparently Michelle can accomplish it just by shopping.

(the following is a chick joke, sorry guys.)

Sarah Palin again complained of a biased media, and said she was sure the RNC would have purchased J.Crew for her and her children at Neiman Marcus, but clearly the store must have been sold out.


Commie pinko alert- conservatives won’t like this next joke…

Former Vice President Dick Cheney said that Bush should have pardoned Scooter Libby. Right, his case involved only leaking the name of a undercover spy. As opposed to something serious, like screwing around with an intern.


Michelle Obama’s brother Craig Robinson is the new basketball coach at Oregon State, where the team didn’t win a Pac 10 conference game all last year. Thursday, with Robinson back after spending the night at the White House, the Beavers beat highly ranked Cal, 69-65, in Berkeley.

I’m not sure about this “Yes we can” stuff, but wonder how long it will take Robinson to get offers from the Warriors, Wizards and Thunder….


“Oh brother” department…

Mark McGwire’s younger brother Jay is now claiming in a book that he injected his older brother with steroids. Well, this might be the final nail in the slugger’s reputation and future hopes. On the other hand, Mark might be getting a commiserative phone call from Jeb Bush.
,

A high school basketball team apologized after beating a recent opponent 100-0. The team also added that they will no longer schedule games with the Thunder.

What’s in a oath?

January 22, 2009

After Chief Justice Roberts flubbed the word “faithfully” during the Presidential oath, President Obama retook the oath Wednesday.

Bill Clinton called to offer Obama support, saying he too had had a problem with that “faithfully” part.


Barack Obama has already changed the White House, eliminating George W. Bush’s policy of “jackets required.” And of course Bill Clinton’s policy of “pants not required.”


Michelle Obama gave Laura Bush a parting gift of a journal and inscribed pen. George W. Bush was so touched, he decided to give the Obama girls a book and some of his favorite crayons.


The journal was inscribed with a quote from Louis L’Amour – “There will come a time when you believe everything is finished. Yet that will be the beginning.” George W. said, “Cool, I get it….extra innings.”


PETA would like Michael Vick to undergo psychiatric evaluation before he returns to the NFL. Presumably the first sanity test question – how would you feel about playing for the Detroit Lions?

From Carey Schwartz, my son: Jeff Kent has retired. Presumably he wants to spend more time washing his truck.


President Obama hit the ground running on his first day, hoping to usher in a new era of competence. But for Washingtonians who aren’t quite ready for that, there’s still the Wizards.


How big was Obama’s inauguration? It was an event of such Olympic proportions that NBC almost tape-delayed it on the West Coast.

Quick inaugural day thought…

January 20, 2009

Jill Biden said that she advised Joe to take the vice presidency offer because as secretary of state he would have been traveling all the time and she would never see him.

Funny, that’s the same reason Bill advised Hillary to take the secretary of state offer.


15 South African Airways crew members were arrrested at London’s Heathrow airport after customs agents found over 100 pounds of marijuana in their luggage.

Kind of puts a whole new spin on “mile-high” club, doesn’t it?.

Another brief pre-inaugural post…

January 18, 2009

It’s a party atmosphere in Washington D.C. this weekend. But Republicans are scarcer than US Airways executives at a fundraiser for the Audubon society.


So what’s rarer now – an actual Cardinal in Arizona, or a steelworker in Pittsburgh?


And for all high school quarterbacks making decisions on college and thinking that for their football careers they need to go to the highest profile Division 1 school available…. may I present – the Northern Iowa vs. Miami (of Ohio) Super Bowl.. Yep, the alma maters of Kurt Warner and Ben Roethlisberger …


This Super Bowl matchup is making television executives think back longingly to that marquee World Series with the Rays and Phillies.


But kudos to Kurt Warner. The only downside, he will have to cancel his taping of that “Where are they now?” episode.

Pre-inaugural thoughts…

January 17, 2009

From Washington D.C. Where residents are dealing with road closures, crowds, and many other inconveniences. On the brighter side, due to the inaugural and hotel situation, the 8-31 NBA Wizards have left on a road trip.


President-elect Obama arrived today – January 17 – in D.C. – on a special railway car on an Amtrak train. Say what you want about his politics… the guy is smart. As in building 3 days of “give” into the system when travelling by Amtrak.


The train trip was designed to evoke memories of President Lincoln’s train trip from Springfield to the nation’s capital in 1861. Although that trip took 12 days. 12 days?!!! Didn’t realize Amtrak was even runnihg then.


In his inauguaral President-elect Obama in trying to evoke memories of President Lincoln. And he is really working hard on the bi-partisanism. In fact, Obama particularly singled out Senator John McCain for sharing his first hand memories of Lincoln’s inaugural.


The train trip was uneventful, so it appears to have been a good idea. Apparently one other option Obama considered was cruising to D.C. on US Air.


In semi-seriousness, with the economy down and retail suffering, perhaps a solution, brand anything and everything with Obama’s picture on it. Everything from t-shirts to beanie hats to Metro subway cards seems to be flying off the shelves

It’s a cold day in Washington…

January 17, 2009

With icy-cold temperatures expected, there are rumors that Obama’s inauguration might have to be moved indoors. Which would mean a lot of disappointed people standing out in the cold. A common occurrence in Washington, except usually involving Redskins fans.


But it’s been a rough several months for New Yorkers. I mean, this inauguration was supposed to be either President Hillary Clinton or Rudy Guiliani, while this weekend the N.Y Giants (and maybe the Jets with Brett Favre) were supposed to be playing for a spot in the Super Bowl. And let’s not forget the expected World Series champion New York Yankees or Mets…

Tiger Woods will be speaking at Barack Obama’s inaugural ceremonies. Many of his fellow pro golfers were disappointed to hear it. They felt Obama should have given Tiger a role more commensurate with his abilities, like an ambassadorship that would regularly take him out of the country on a full-time basis.


It’s been eight years and President Bush doesn’t quite get it. When he was told at first he would need to give a farewell address, his first response was “Well, until Tuesday it’s still 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.”

Can we joke about US Air 1549? Yes we can!

January 16, 2009

Okay, we all love gallows humor, even if it’s tacky, and even if it’s awful….(and yes, most of us in the travel business are guilty of passing around horrible jokes after travel disasters.) But the best gallows humor is when there’s no actual deaths or serious injuries involved.

Which means that US 1549 has just provided us, ironically, with one of the feel-good stories of the month. And of course, joke fodder. Even if most of them may not be funny…

But here goes:

US Air has announced they are now the official airline of the US Swim team.

At this point there’s at least something deeper under water in New York than most people’s mortgages.

US Air has announced they did of course not charge passengers for their life jackets. They will bill them later.


New Yorkers haven’t seen a jet fall that fast since Brett Favre.

Passengers wondered after the fact if they should have been suspicious that the schedule inflight movie was Titanic.


The hottest new inflight read? The seatback emergency card. (Especially that part on water landings.)


Possible casual attire to be seen at inaugural formals? “I checked my tux on US Air and all I have left is this lousy t-shirt. ”


Can you imagine the baggage claim issues, and the insurance company phone conversations, especially with phone-centers in India. “Well, it’s not that my luggage is lost, I actually know where it is…but there’s an issue.”


New acronym – Using Sonar Airways


The Secret Service has assured Americans that should a similar situation arise, Air Force One is also capable of a water landing. At which point President-elect Obama will simply walk to safety.

Actually the plane went down in a heavily trafficked part of the Hudson that is also used by cruise ships. Wonder how long it will take Royal Caribbean Cruise Line to add the “New York Snorkel” experience to their shore excursions?


My son’s contribution; New Yorkers were disappointed to hear it wasn’t the Knicks charter.


The pilot did a great job of landing in the Hudson River, although perhaps a more appropriate place for such a spectacular crash landing would have been Shea Stadium. Specifically the bullpen mound.


Interesting karma….that this happens to the only airline in the US that currently charges for onboard water.


This is the actual airline flight information update that travel agents could read today.

(translation – “OUT” of the gate, 303p – 18 minutes late. “OFF” the runway – 325p. Estimated time of arrival in Charlotte 516p..well, not quite. No update for “IN” the Hudson. And the last line is reasonably self-explanatory.)

A/OUT 303P L00:18
A/OFF 325P
T/ETA 516P L00:26
A/LX ADJ-FLIGHT CANCELED DUE TO AN OPERATIONAL ISSUE

All kidding aside, it was a pretty miraculous performance by the crew, and actually in many ways by the passengers. With all the stories of selfish, careless and flat-out stupid behavior by air travelers, it was great to see everyone involved step up to the plate…and/or out on the wing, as the case may be.

By the way, other jokes and/or attempts at jokes welcome in the comments.

R.I.P. Ricardo Montalban..

January 15, 2009

Ricardo Montalban died this week at the age of 88. I suppose his seat in heaven will be upholstered in “fine Corinthian leather.”


Montalban was best known to American audiences for his starring role in the 1970s series “Fantasy Island.” Of course, these days, the fantasy would be the plane actually showing up.


Or

Curiously enough there was talk of bringing the “Fantasy Island” series back, and having it sponsored by JetBlue. But then someone informed JetBlue that “da plane” would actually have to take off…

Tacky alert.

The porn industry is now also asking for a bailout. Which might sound ridiculous, although at least they can say they are the only industry where most Americans enjoy seeing workers get screwed.


President Bush’s approval ratings have risen in the last week or so from about 29 to 34 percent. That five percent includes some hard-core Republicans but mostly folks who just realize how boring late-night monologues will be without him.

Hillary’s hearing…

January 14, 2009

Today Bill Clinton was asked to comment about Hillary’s hearing. His response “Great, she caught me sneaking in every time.”


But just a thought after listening to Sarah Palin whine this week about being exploited, thereby of course bringing everything she was complaining about back into the limelight.

Governor Palin, that’s SO 2008….


And of course, nothing helps get your family your privacy back like selling baby pictures for $300,000.


Stanford coach Jim Harbaugh, after weeks of speculation about him talking with teams about an NFL job, has issued a statement:

“I would like to unequivocally state that I am 100 percent committed to Stanford and I look forward to leading this football program for years to come,” he said.

Translation, he didn’t get a great offer.


As Tim Geithner tries to deal with questions about his unpaid taxes, who knew that Steve Martin in Saturday Night Live 30 years ago would be so prescient. Remember “How can you be a millionaire and not pay taxes?… two simple words, ‘I Forgot'”


And Joe the Plumber is reporting for a conservative website “PJTV” from Israel, where he is saying the media should get out of the mid-east. Am not sure what qualifications PJTV was looking for with Joe, but I am guessing they didn’t include a sense of irony.

Speaking of “That’s SO 2008” – Joe the Plumber

Any suggestions on other things that are “so 2008” greatly appreciated. More to follow later.

Quizzing Hillary?

January 13, 2009

Apparently confirmation hearings for Hillary Clinton as secretary of state will involve questioning her about Bill. Well, sure who better to know what’s really going on in Bill’s Clinton’s life than Hillary?

George W. Bush once again defended his presidency today, especially regarding Katrina and the credit markets. But lets be real, in eight years the only time he’s really noticed anything under water was watching Michael Phelps.


George W. Bush and Dick Cheney actually are claiming that they have strengthened the Presidency.

Right, just like…

Sarah Palin and her family have strengthened the abstinence movement.

Al Davis has strengthened the Oakland Raiders.

George W. Bush and Dick Cheney say they have strengthened the institution of the presidency. Even Cubs fans say these guys are delusional.

There’s gambling in Las Vegas? I’m shocked, shocked…

Fox Sports is planning a series of one-hour shows on the NCAA men’s basketball tournament featuring Bob Knight and Billy Packer. The shows will be taped at the race and sports book in the Wynn hotel. But former CBS sportscaster Packer said the shows will be about analyzing the games and won’t mention gambling.

Does that mean we can expect a show analyzing the NFL playoffs featuring Plaxico Burress and Pacman Jones to be taped at a nightclub?

“No one saw it coming..”

January 12, 2009

Vice president Dick Cheney said that “no one saw the financial crisis coming.” 

Is he kidding?  Plenty of people saw the financial crisis coming.  Now, the Arizona Cardinals against the Philadelphia Eagles in the NFL title game?   No one saw THAT coming.

With the Pittsburgh Steelers being the only home team to win this weekend, will the headline on the playoff story read “Kings of the Road?”

So Tim Tebow, who has already won a Heisman and a national championship,  will nonetheless bypass the NFL draft and return for his senior year.    College football fans were shocked, not only is Tebow still putting the college experience over quick millions, he didn’t even announce his decision by talking about himself in the third person. 

Though a more cynical read might be that he was scared about being drafted by the Detroit Lions.

President Bush said on Fox News Sunday that he didn’t bail out the Republican party by leaving Iraq.   Republicans now just hope that it’s not too late to bail out the party by him leaving the White House.

President Bush apparently doesn’t spend a lot of time watching serious movies.  When someone asked him what he thought of the Golden Globe winner “Slumdog Millionaire” he responded, “Well, it seems to be a good year for movies about cute dogs and puppies.”

Or

President Bush just isn’t that up on current movies…when he was asked what he thought of the movie “Slumdog Millionaire,” he said he hoped to see it after he leaves the White House, and figured it would be a great sequel to “Beverly Hills Chihuahua.”

England’s Prince Harry found himself having to apologize again after making some stupid racist comments.   Well,  it does go to show that these days the United States is not the only country in the world embarrassed by the youngest son of a dynasty. 

Last week a man with sixteen guns as he drove to Los Angeles International Airport.  In his defense, Plaxico Burris said he just was flying home after a weekend of  clubbing.


Los Angeles police were shocked when they stopped a man with sixteen guns and ammunition trying to enter the airport.  Normally Angelinos only take that kind of arsenal on the freeway.


And Stanford football coach Jim Harbaugh, still with an unsigned but negotiated contract extension, is rumored to be considering an NFL position.

Harbaugh is responding to the rumors with evasions, vague answers, and basically not saying anything of substance. Yeah, maybe he is ready to be an NFL coach.

BCS -Big Conference $

January 10, 2009

As perhaps the most contested BCS – Big Conference $ – bowl season has come to an end….should we be surprised that the pivotal contest occurred in Florida?

Barack Obama has renewed his call for a college football playoff to avoid such contested results in future.   George W. Bush for his part believes we should use a more time-tested method to choose a winner – the Supreme Court.

And another but not the last comment on the excuse of not having playoffs because it wouldn’t be fair to the student-athletes….  Right, like Florida wide receiver Louis Murphy, a senior majoring in  –  I am not making this up -Recreation Event Management.

(Didn’t that used to be called partying?)

 –

Barack Obama is now bringing his mother-in-law to Washington, so grandma will be in the White House.   Sarah Palin promptly accused Obama of stealing her 2012 campaign slogan.

Two of the most critically acclaimed movies now out are “Doubt” and “Defiance.”  Both might do better at the box office, however, if so many Americans didnt think they were documentaries on Rod Blagojevich.

Aother funny line from Bill Littlejohn:

 Milton Bradley donned Sammy Sosa‘s old No. 21 as he was introduced in Chicago.When someone asked him about his anger issues, Bradley suddenly couldn’t speak English”
 

Shane Lechler, the Oakland Raiders punter, was named this week to his fourth All-Pro team.   Not to diminish this achievement, but to be fair, Lechler does get more than his share of practice.

Stanford football coach Jim Harbaugh, who has not signed his recent (and supposedly agreed-upon) contract extension, is now rumored to have interviewed for the New York Jets job.

So if Harbaugh ends up coaching Brett Favre will he tell Stanford that he wasn’t “fully committed” to his contract extension, and that he “felt pressured to make a decision?”