Posted tagged ‘NFL lockout jokes’

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Our short national nightmare is over.

September 26, 2012

The NFL and their referees just came to an agreement to end the lockout. What a disappointment for fans of lousy teams who will now have to find another excuse.

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From my friend Joe Salvatore, a lesson learned from the lockout:   Always remember: It is OK to use Scab High School and D-3 refs for your games that could cost someone their job or even their health ….but it is a $15,000 fine to wear a MLB cap in your post-game Press Conference!

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Bobby Valentine says he thinks he’s coming back in 2013 as manager of the Red Sox. Sounds like Bobby’s as in touch with reality as he’s been all season.

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A woman is suing Southwest because she says she was severely burned by a cup of hot tea the airline served her onboard. This would never happen at United Airlines. Their tea, and coffee, are always lukewarm.

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Oops. Florida State Rep. Mike Horner of Kissimmee, “a rising star in state GOP circles” according to the Orlando Sentinel, abruptly ended his re-election campaign this week when his name surfaced on the client list of an Orlando brothel. Well, at least the scandal involved adult women.

 

(And not moralizing here, but jeez, you think the guy would at least be smart enough to go out of town to find his hookers.  For those who haven’t been to Florida,  Kissimmee is an Orlando suburb, near Disney World.)

 

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Both Monica Lewinsky and Ross Perot are writing memoirs. About 15-20 years after most people would actually care.

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A recent ABC News/Washington Post poll says 61% of Americans have a negative opinion of Mitt Romney’s handling of his campaign. Assume the other 39% percent are Democrats.

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Arkansas AD Jeff Long said that despite the SEC football team’s 1-3 start, the program is committed to coach John L. Smith for this season. Translation “Who else could we get to take over this mess?”.

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Eric Gagne said 80% of his Dodgers teammates were using PEDs. Now 80% of them are saying they were part of the 20%.

 

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Another mailer from the Romney campaign today, addressed to me by name and address…    “Dear Janice….  “You are one of our Party’s most prominent members, and I would be honored if you would join my team as a major contributor.”

 

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How badly run is Mitt Romney’s campaign these days? Even Charlie Sheen said  –  “Not winning.”

 

 

 

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Mr. Wilson goes to Washington.

July 26, 2011

And maybe the President can’t solve the debt ceiling crisis, but he did do something amazing on Tuesday – got Brian Wilson to put on a suit  Without cleats

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Los Angeles officials say they have a tentative agreement with AEG to build a new football stadium “Farmers Field,” near the convention center.

They hope to have the stadium built in time to lure a professional team in time for the 2016 NFL season. Or failing that the Raiders or Panthers.

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Listening to “the Bachelorette,” Ashley talk to the last two men jointly at the rose ceremony. She told them to focus on the relationships she has with them individually, instead of thinking about what’s going on with the other guy….. Thinking, hmm, is this what Mormons tell their wives?

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So the NFL lockout appears to be open and training camps will open later this week. What a relief for parole officers in Cincinnati, who will now know exactly where to find their Bengals’ “clients.”

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The U.S. Postal Service on Tuesday will release a list of 3,653 post offices that could be shut down. Wonder if they’ll post the list on Facebook and Twitter?

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Brett Favre’s agent says talk of his client attempting another NFL comeback is just “speculation.” Translation, no team has made Brett a definite offer yet.

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President Obama apparently stated when he met the Giants in the White House “I do fear the beard.” Maybe he’s hoping he can sic Brian Wilson on John Boehner.

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A new study found that women are more likely to send sexy text messages than men. Duh, texts are basically talking by typing. Women are likely to do ANYTHING involving words and talking more than men.

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Final details of the deal that ended the NFL lockout  are not yet available. As in who gave who the final rose?

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The lateness of the NFL labor accord means that Jim Harbaugh is even more likely to have to stick with Alex Smith as 49ers QB this year. Which is good news for San Francisco fans who hope to see the team be able to draft Andrew Luck in 2012.

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This weekend the 7.5 percent tax on air travel temporarily expired during budget negotiations, so it should have been a price break for travelers. Except major carriers just hiked their fares to cover the difference for extra profit. Trickle-down economics? Right. Just means we all get trickled on.

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From Bill Littlejohn:  Jay Cutler insists that he called off his wedding due to a torn MCL and that he did not quit on Kristin Cavallari”

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Snow place like home.

February 24, 2011

Nonstop headlines and breaking news updates from all the Bay Area media: “San Francisco could get as much as an inch of snow this weekend!” Yeah, this ought to do wonders for our reputation as wimps on the East Coast.

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Sarah Palin is traveling to India in March. She says she’s especially interested in meeting the Indian people and hopes someone will invite her  to visit their teepee.

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The NFL owners and players are still meeting to avert a possible lockout, although no progress has yet been reported, and the players’ group left the talks early today. Which means they missed the catered roasted goose with golden eggs dinner.

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The NFL negotiations have been going on in earnest for seven days.  Okay, I’m not a biblical scholar, but didn’t God create the world in less?

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Tiger Woods was eliminated of the first round of a match play tournament today. Looks like the much vaunted “comeback” is a continuing  “come back to earth.”

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Okay, that was a really nice dunk that Blake Griffin did at the NBA All-Star competition over the car. Now a question – What’s the over-under on cars taken to body shops in the next month with hood damage. (Especially by parents of teenage boys.)

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More about that Caltech basketball win, 46-45 over Occidental. Their last conference win was 26 YEARS ago. The school has won nine Nobel prizes since then….

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Harry Reid says he thinks Nevada should end legal prostitution. This is not exactly what the citizens of the state want to hear from their government- at least prostitutes provide value when you pay to get screwed.

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President Obama has ordered his lawyers to stop defending a federal law that bans recognition of same-sex marriage. So where are all the conservatives applauding Obama’s initiative in reducing government intrusion into our lives?

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Pat Boone spoke at CPAC (the Conservative Political Action Conference), saying that Hollywood is not all “lefties.” He described himself as an “embedded conservative in La-La Land.” Pat Boone is still in Hollywood?  Really?  Wonder what Starbucks he works at these days?

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From T.C.  And only in LA moment: . Kia supplied the car that Blake Griffin used as a prop in the NBA AllStar weekend Slam Dunk contest. They weren’t too happy when the car was returned and the hubcaps were missing.

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