Posted tagged ‘irene jokes’

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There she blows….

August 28, 2011

Hurricane Irene has brought more quiet and dread to New York than Phil Hughes coming in to pitch for the Yankees.

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James Carville said in a post for CNN.com that there is some “weather-related” Darwinism with hurricanes. What he meant is that the weaker trees are blown down while the stronger trees survive. Of course, this Darwinism also applies to those people who ignore evacuation orders.

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FEMA announced Saturday they are completely prepared and ready to assist with earthquake relief on the East Coast.

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Hurricane Irene has already been blamed for massive and potentially long-term power losses in the East. SF Giants fans are wondering, did we miss a hurricane at A T and T Park earlier this year?

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Many were worried after last week’s shootings and violence during the Raiders-49ers game at Candlestick Park. But fortunately, aided by a large police presence, there were no serious incidents at Saturday night’s game.

On the other hand, unfortunately the S.F. Police Department had much better results than the 49ers.

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Alex Smith tonight for SF 49ers. 2 for 6 for 17 yards. 13 yards lost on sacks. Let the Andrew Luck chase begin.

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From my friend Nick Coombs, a transplanted Californian now living in Madison: “On behalf of everyone in Wisconsin… I’d like to thank the 49ers for passing on Aaron Rodgers for Alex Smith.”

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As scary as it sounds with both teams playing against opponents from Houston the SF Giants offense (2 runs in ten innings) outscored the SF 49ers offense tonight. (SF’s only points – a touchdown scored on interception.)

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Sometimes a headline enough is enough to declare another Darwin award winner. As in this one about a Hurricane Irene death – “Huge waves kill surfer in Florida.”

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Botox has now been approved to treat urinary incontinence. Wonder how? Maybe by making your face so rigid you can’t open your mouth to drink much liquid?

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A positive NBA story for a change. During the lockout, the Warriors’ Stephen Curry is finishing up his undergraduate degree at Davidson. Curry is enrolled full-time this fall and is working on his senior thesis. Many of his fellow NBA players are wondering “What’s a senior thesis?” Others just wonder, “What’s a degree?”

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And a non-positive “bus to hell” thought from T.C. “Former Washington Wizards player, Javaris Crittenton, who made headlines last year by bringing in a gun into a locker room, has been charged with murder. The woman he allegedly gunned down on an Atlanta street was not even his intended target.

His shooting percentage on the street isn’t any better than it was with the Wizards.”

Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
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If you are reading this…

August 27, 2011

And you are on the East Coast, congrats. You still have power.

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On his Friday radio show, Glenn Beck called Hurricane Irene a “blessing,” saying it would teach people to be prepared for disasters. New Yorkers angrily responded “We’ve learned that from the Mets bullpen.”

(for AL fans and Yankees haters, substitute “Phil Hughes” or “A.J. Burnett” for the “Mets bullpen”.)

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Hurricane Irene heading towards D.C. this weekend. Washington bracing for female fury like they haven’t seen since Hillary used to catch Bill sneaking in late.

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A-Rod met with MLB officials about the alleged illegal poker games, but said he does not expect to be suspended.

If Rodriguez is caught again while he is still playing for the Yankees, the officials said there will be serious consequences – as in they will be “really really angry.”

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Minka Kelly and Derek Jeter have broken up. Guess the Yankees weren’t alone at this point in being reluctant to sign a long term contract with him.

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Reversing his earlier statement that it was a state’s rights issue, Gov. Rick Perry has signed a pledge to back a federal constitutional amendment against gay marriage. Who’s going to be the first candidate with the cajones to sign a pledge saying he/she won’t sign any more pledges?

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While some are already preparing to blame things like gay marriage for Hurricane Irene heading for the Northeast, I must have missed all the same conservatives talking about the D.C. earthquake’s epicenter being in Eric Cantor’s district.

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Lefty Eric Surkamp starting today for SF Giants. In AA he has about 150 strikeouts to 40 walks. Which sunds like most of the Giants’ hitters.

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And okay, Giants fans, a little background on this new pitcher Eric Surkamp. As a “Flying Squirrel” in AA Richmond he had a 2.02 ERA with 165 ks to 44 walks. And in 14 at bats, he had 4 hits and 3 RBIs. Surkamp’s making his first start tomorrow. But heck, bat him cleanup.

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Goshen College, a small Mennonite school in Indiana, has banned playing the U.S. National Anthem since it is “too violent.” Wonder what would ever happen if a French group visited the school – their anthem contains a line that translates – “March on, march on, their impure blood will water our fields.”

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An arrest warrent has been issued for senior LSU quarterback Jordan Jefferson. The Cincinnati Bengals just asked if it was too late to take him in the supplemental draft.

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LSU QB Jordan Jefferson has been suspended after his arrest on battery charges for allegedly kicking someone in a bar fight. During the investigation police confiscated 49 pairs of shoes from Jefferson’s apartment. 49 pairs of shoes?! At Miami they are thinking “Those LSU boosters are pikers.”

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As the “body count” grows for NCAA players suspended for the year for various offenses – legal and academic – here’s a suggestion: Can Aladdin Bail Bonds sponsor a post season “All-Star Probation” bowl?

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Former Ohio State football coach Jim Tressel said that former Buckeye QB Terrelle Pryor will always have his support. Makes sense, when he played at OSU Pryor worked as hard for his pay as anyone.

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After shocked.

August 25, 2011

Some GOP candidates do indeed plan to blame Tuesday’s earthquake on President Obama, but first they have to figure out how to credit the fall of Gadhafi to George W. Bush.

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From Marc Ragovin: So the NY Metro region was hit by a 5.9 magnitude earthquake the other day. Either that or Rex Ryan carried out his threat to put his foot down during training camp.

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Meanwhile, looking like Hurricane Irene may be the biggest wind to hit Washington since Joe Biden was sworn in as V.P.

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Actually considering Joe Biden is the vice president, some may really go after President Obama about Irene. Because surely he could have deployed Biden to blow hard against the storm.

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The latest from Texas Gov. Rick Perry. “Bush did an incredible job, during his presidency, defending us from freedom.” So much for all those who say I never agree with anything Perry says.

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Jeb Bush, on being conservative – It is “not necessarily a bad thing. But if you are a conservative, you have to persuade. You have to defend a position. You can’t just be against the president.” Responded most of the GOP field – “Wanna bet?”

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During the NBA lockout, Blake Griffin will intern at Will Ferrell’s “Funny or Die.”
Well, if anyone should be experienced with punchlines, it’s a member of the Clippers.

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Waiting for the first Tea Party candidate or elected official to stand up and say that they think it would wrong to ask the Federal Government for money after Irene hits.

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Old Navy has a new college football line of t-shirts with 70 universities, using their college colors. The shirts are supposed to say “Let’s Go” – and then the school name or nickname. Except that they say “Lets Go.” No apostrophe. This is what comes of hiring SEC graduates.

(anyone who likes the above joke please feel free to substitute their rival university for the graduates punchline.)

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A bipartisan joke inspired by my friend Scott Brady. Matt Holliday of the St. Louis Cardinals had a moth fly into his ear during a game and had to have the insect removed with a tweezer. Surprised in some ways this doesn’t happen to more politicans, who spend so much time making speeches outside. Although maybe it’s because the moths fly in one ear and out the other.

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This next may only make sense to readers who have been in Philly:

Joey Vento, the owner of Geno’s Cheesesteak’s in Philadelphia, died Tuesday of a massive heart attack at the age of 71. To accommodate all the mourners, funeral guests will have their choice of three brief ceremonies, which will be labeled “Wiz,” “American”, and “Provolone.”

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Actually one thing that may keep the crowds down at Vento’s funeral. Young people may not really know who he was. And older folks who ate his cheesesteaks regularly probably didn’t outlive him.

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Millions of American women were thrilled to hear winery owner Ben Flajnik will be the next Bachelor. Millions of American men were surprised to find out there is something they care less about than the latest Kardashian wedding.

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The Colts have talked Kerry Collins out of retirement to sign as a backup to injured QB Peyton Manning. “What am I, chopped liver?” responded Brett Favre.

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Finally, on a serious note, former Orioles pitcher and GM Mike Flanagan, 59, was found dead Tuesday night. Initial reports indicate it was a suicide, and that Flanagan was despondent over the Orioles performance and his perceived role in their failures.

I love to joke about sports, but hey, it’s a game. And this story may be a sad reminder that the whole point is that it’s supposed to be a diversion from taking life too seriously.

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