Posted tagged ‘Grateful dead jokes’

All choked up.

June 29, 2015

Cleaning out the chokes of large steamed artichokes for dinner and thinking that light-colored fuzzy stuff in the center bears a striking resemblance to Donald Trump’s “hair.” ‪#‎Coincidence‬?

Sunday was the Gay Pride parade in S.F. And no doubt the requisite number of tourists will have proclaimed themselves shocked and appalled. So much so that they had to stay until the bitter end to see just how shocking and appalling the event is…..

 

Two shows lasting over four hours each total for the Grateful Dead at Levi’s Stadium in Santa Clara. With more fans staying until the end each night than will probably be there in the 4th quarter of this year’s 49er games.

On the Peninsula south of San Francisco today, Caltrain had plenty of Orange and Black and Rainbows going north for the Giants and Pride Day, then later all the Tie-Dye going south for the Grateful Dead. Not sure if the train set ridership records,  but they sure did probably break all existing records for total colors.

Bristol Palin today “I made a mistake but not the mistake all these giddy a$$holes have loved to assume. This pregnancy was actually planned.” Hmm.. does Bristol think she’s only 17 more children away from her own reality show?

And let’s give her every benefit of the doubt and assume this “planned” pregnancy is from her former fiance. So the message is, “children need to be conceived within a tradtional marriage.  But as soon as you have the engagement ring, it’s open season?”

So is Bristol counting on her children not knowing how to count to 9? Or not having enough sex ed to know gestation times?

Madison Bumgarner has more home runs this year than Duane Kuiper had in his whole career. ‪#‎SFGiants‬

Maybe Madbum is the reason behind the SFGiants hitting renaissance. Who wants to be shown up by your own pitcher?

 

Lindsey Graham was the first Republican candidate to say that the GOP would be making a mistake to propose a Constitutional amendment against gay marriage. “I’m shocked,” said nobody.

Kobe Bryant said in an interview that he’s made some of his teammates cry.. Thought Kobe’s last two-year $48.5 million contract extension has made a LOT of Lakers’ fans cry.

 

 

Cincinnati Bengals defensive coordinator Paul Guenther told ESPN that Johnny Manziel should emulate Drew Brees. Well, sure, Manziel is only missing two things – temperament and talent.

 

In Texas, the state attorney general said that clerks, judges and justices of the peace opposed to SCOTUS’s “lawless’ opinion still could refuse to issue licenses and perform weddings based on their religious beliefs. Hmm, wonder if those Texans would be more likely to support gay weddings if both participants requested conceal carry licenses at the same time?

Or if  the happy couple showed up with firearms. Talk about a shotgun wedding.

What a long strange trip it’s been…

June 27, 2015

A crowd of over 70,000 turned up for the Grateful Dead concert tonight in Santa Clara, California, including many original “Deadhead” fans from the 60s, 70s and 80s, Hope these graying fans weren’t too disappointed when they finally hear how bad the band sounded without benefit of drugs.

In Las Vegas this morning the longest odds on any baseball team winning today was for the Miami Marlins without Giancarlo Stanton against the Los Angeles Dodgers with Clayton Kershaw on the mound ‪#‎thatswhytheyplaythegame‬.  (final score, 3-2 Marlins)

But really? One of the “top stories” headlines on USAToday.com today is “Stanton injury a crushing blow for fantasy owners.” As opposed to a blow to the Marlins, Marlins fans, or baseball fans in general who just like to watch a great player?

Meanwhile, there needs to be a constitutional amendment banning the wave at A T and T Park. ‪#‎sfgiants‬. ‪#‎thehorror‬

 

 

A Kuwait Airlines plane from New York to Kuwait was forced to make an emergency landing at Heathrow this morning, allegedly because passengers on board had food poisoning. Surely this can’t be serious. It is serious, and don’t call me Shirley…..

I wanted the Confederate flag down at the South Carolina statehouse as much as anyone. But removing Civil War games because they have images of the flag? Seems a bit too uncomfortably close to banning the “The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn” because of the language.

Bill Cosby’s lawyer is arguing that it would be “terribly embarrassing” for the comedian if documents from a 2005 sex-assault lawsuit were unsealed. And his point is?

And of course Donald Trump had to weigh in on the SCOTUS gay marriage decision – “Once again the Bush appointed Supreme Court Justice John Roberts has let us down. Jeb pushed him hard! Remember!” Well, yeah, because the Donald believes in traditional marriage so much he’s had three of them.

(as a few friends pointed out… Roberts dissented.  It’s this kind of attention to detail that should make Trump such a formidable candidate…. for comedy writers at least.)

30 years later there’s going to be a “Top Gun 2,” with Tom Cruise reprising his role as “Maverick.” So now he’ll be “ridin’ into the danger zone” with his left blinker on.

 

Bristol Palin’s ex-fiance, Dakota Meyer, had a rhetorical post asking why with three deadly ISIS/ISIL terrorist attacks this week, people are so interested in a “dog and pony show” that is “inconsequential compared to that which is truly relevant.”

Unfortunately for Mr. Meyer, it may be precisely because the “real” news is so awful sometimes, that people are interested in something ridiculous, even if it isn’t amusing to the parties involved. And also in Bristol’s case, because we like seeing Karma in mean bitch mode.

 

 

 

 

From my SF Giants fan friend Mike Pettengill: “After 76 games:

Pablo Sandoval – 24R + 65H + 6HR + 24RBI + .270Avg + 10E = $17.6m
Matt Duffy – 27R + 63H + 7HR + 36RBI + .294Avg + 6E = $509,000”

Step in time?

April 10, 2015

Cleveland Cavaliers’ Kendrick Perkins had a 9-step travel that the referees did not call. 9-steps?! “Amateur” sniffed Michael Jordan.

 

 

In Allen, Texas, a rancher was given a $266 citation for doing what he’s been doing for years, riding his horse to Taco Bell. Apparently it’s not allowed to ride on a public street. Now, if he’d just walked downtown carrying a couple shotguns….

 

Spurs beat the Rockets in Houston tonight 104-103. Are we sure that up in the rafters of the Alamodome along with all those banners there aren’t really ancient portraits of Duncan, Ginobili and Parker?

So regarding this announcement Sunday, wouldn’t it be more of a headline if Hillary Clinton said she WASN’T running for President?

Kentucky’s Karl-Anthony Towns may be the #1 NBA draft pick and he has said it obviously would be a little special” to play for the Knicks. Makes sense. Towns only spent one year with the Wildcats – he’d enjoy the chance to spend more years with top college-level players.

Big news at the Masters. Tiger Woods will make the cut! (Oh, yeah, and some guy broke the 36 hole course record. Details, details….)

Sad to hear of the passing of Richard Dysart, Leland McKenzie in LA Law. Hard as it might be to believe, for eight years there were actually lawyers you WANTED to see every week. ‪#‎venusbutterfly‬

 

As the NHL regular season draws to a close, San Jose Sharks fans are asking Toronto Maple Leafs fans “So what do you do now to be disappointed during the playoffs?”

The Grateful Dead sent a letter to their fans announcing two new concerts in June at Levi’s Stadium in Santa Clara on June 27 and 28. “Since we made the decision to go back to Chicago to say our final goodbye, it has become clear to us that we first need to return to our beginnings, where we first said hello — to each other and to all of you.”

Yep, talk about having million$ of rea$on$ to make thing$ clearer.

 

From Marc Ragovin  “Troy Polamalu has retired. His final message to Steeler Nation: “I’m outta hair.”

 

So on the day that it is first announced MLB is sending out “pace of game” warning to players, at the time of writing this post, the Red Sox and Yankees are heading towards 7 hours in an extra-inning game. Karma and her sister Irony are mean bitches.