Posted tagged ‘Cain affair jokes’

Herman, we liked you better when we hardly knew ye….

December 2, 2011

Newsmax, a conservative website, has asked Donald Trump to moderate their upcoming GOP presidential debate. Is this because thinking conservatives are looking at their choices and want someone to tell most of them “You’re fired?

The Manchester Union-Leader said of Herman Cain, that he shows “a lack of self-awareness that should give any supporter pause.” Really? And this is the newspaper whose candidate defends marriage while having three wives, and decries lobbyists while having made $1.6 million from “consulting for Freddie Mac…

With both his image and campaign in jeopardy, Herman Cain has launched a new website for testimonials called “Women for Herman Cain.” Hmm, wonder if the site is going to be an endorsement list, or a menu?

Herman Cain said that his wife “now knows” about the money he gave Ginger White, and that “My wife understands that I’m a soft-hearted, giving person.” Uh, Herman, the “soft” part of your anatomy she may understand, it’s the hard part that may be an issue.

USA Today has a list of the bonuses many college football coaches get for taking their teams to various championships and bowl games. Suppose it’s naive to be disappointed there are no bonuses listed for actually getting a certain percentage of your players to graduate…

Britney Spears turned 30 today. So maybe there’s hope for Lindsay Lohan making it that far.

(for Britney’s 30 birthday party, wonder if she has decided to be responsible and have her children drive her home?)

A windstorm in Northern California earlier this week has resulted in over 20,000 residents still being without power. On a brighter note, they were all named honorary San Francisco Giants.


From my friend Alex Kaseberg: “Stevie Wonder wants to be on “Dancing with the Stars.” Ew, I just don’t think that will work; not because Stevie is blind, because he is an actual star.”

The Philadelphia Eagles are now 4-8. And in Miami they’re sniggering “Well at least our “Dream Team” made it to the playoffs.

From Bill Littlejohn, on former quarterback and fellow evangelist Kurt Warner offering spiritual advice to Tim Tebow: “Learn how to throw, will ya?’’

Cain touched this?

November 30, 2011

Herman Cain said he didn’t have a affair, but he simply helped a friend financially. Instead of a “Sugar Daddy” does that make him a “Sugar Cain?”

Who says there’s no American ingenuity anymore? San Francisco supervisors voted to ban free toys in children’s meal. And McDonald’s is complying, by charging 10 cents for a Happy Meal toy. (All proceeds going to build a SF Ronald McDonald house for sick children.)

Rick Perry warned that if elected he will deal with uncooperative federal workers by reassigning them “to some really God-awful place.” Well, at least Perry didn’t say he’d go postal on them.

Wouldn’t it be fun if one of Herman Cain’s girlfriends was named “Nina-Nina-Nina?”

Herman Cain apparently told his staff Tuesday he is “reassessing” the viability of his campaign after Ginger White’s allegations of their 13 year affair. “Say it ain’t so” cried the nation’s comedy writers.

Maybe Newt Gingrich is smarter than we thought. Get all the affairs (that we know off) out of the way years before running for office. Americans have short memories and they love repented sinners.

Rick Perry spoke to a group of New Hampshire college students and told them he’d “appreciate their vote if they were turning 21 by Nov. 12.” (The election is Nov 6, 2012.) Good thing Perry forgot the third thing he was going to tell them.

Ann Coulter was bleeped out on MSNBC this morning when she appeared to call John McCain (R-Ariz) a “douche bag.” Was she bleeped for the language, or because MSNBC thinks either Gingrich, Cain or Romney is the real “douche bag?”

American Airlines declared bankruptcy this morning. Wonder how long it will take them to turn that into a ticket surcharge.

Hardest speechwriting job amongst those writing for GOP primary candidates -writing for Mitt Romney. He/she doesn’t just need to contradict the words of other candidates, but also to contradict the words of the old Romney.

The Chicago Cubs are apparently in the running for Albert Pujols. Guess new GM Theo Epstein figures now that Pujols has a ring, he might want to spend more time with his family and have Octobers off.

Dr. Conrad Murray got a four year jail sentence today. Wonder how many days or weeks that is in Lindsay Lohan sentence years.

Indianapolis Colts coach Jim Caldwell fired the team’s defensive coordinator and announced a QB change, saying “We feel this is the most effective and realistic way to move forward and win games this season.” Yes, that’s “games” Plural. If this coaching gig doesn’t work out Caldwell has a great future in stand-up comedy.

One of many questions about the various college football scandals, from Syracuse and Penn State to the more mundane ones about money. How do these smart coaches always claim their focus is all on their “kids,” but at the same time claim they have zero idea of anything bad that might be going on?

Actually are coaches at major universities becoming the better paid equivalent of political wives? “Of course I had no reason to suspect him….”