Archive for September 13, 2014

By the numbers.

September 13, 2014

Virginia Tech, who upset Ohio State last week, today lost to Eastern Carolina. Just thinking if you are a Big Ten fan, might be safe to make vacation plans during the BCS playoffs.

In tonight’s UCLA-Texas football game, UCLA won the coin toss, and elected to defer. But then Texas chose to kick off. So the Bruins got the ball to start BOTH halves. Texas edukation at its finest.

To be fair, maybe the Longhorns wanted to receive in the third half?

Just to put things in perspective, BC, with a 37 to 31 win tonight over USC, was inside the Trojan 35 yard line 7 times. 2 times LESS than Stanford last week.

Unlike Stanford, Boston College decided not to use the 30 yard line to go into their prevent offense.

Although today, Army was shut out by ‪#‎Stanford‬ 35 to 0.   Clearly this is Commander in Chief Obama’s fault.

More “stuff” you cannot make up. Newt Gingrich has now signed the “Family Leader” group’s “Marriage Vow,” which includes a “pledge to uphold the institution of marriage through personal fidelity to my spouse and respect for the marital bonds of others.” So Newt will not cheat on Calista, the third wife he cheated with when he was married to his second wife, with whom he cheated with on this first wife….

 

Dan Snyder said of Roger Goodell- “We are fortunate to have him as our Commissioner. The entire Washington Redskins organization strongly endorses his efforts…” Well, yeah, no sh*t. With Goodell lately, the Redskins name drama has been knocked completely off the front page.

 

 

Some statements don’t even need a punchline: This advice to Ray Rice “To Ray, or anybody else… It’s all about how you control yourself.” From Chris Brown.

Taylor Swift is now saying “I didn’t really love any of my exes’ So how long until she turns that sentiment into a song?

New MLB slogan: When we suspend players, it’s because they only illegally hit baseballs.

 

So police were called to that brawl involving the Palins, and the family was asked to leave. No arrests have been made but the investigation is ongoing as apparently it was a “verbal and physical altercation” Guess it’s not just the President Sarah means when she says “Charge in, strike hard, get out. Win.”

 

 

 

The average space between airline seats in 1990 was about 34-36 inches, now it’s more like 30-32. Well, it’s a good thing that Americans are getting smaller too…. Oops, never mind.

 

Police detained a man on a Southwest plane in Seattle because on 9/11 other passengers noticed he was using names for his wi-fi hot spot like “Southwest – Bomb on Board.” and “The Bomb is on this Seat.” Then something about the flight attendant being hot. No word on charges, but figure they should include felony stupidity.

Broken family values

September 13, 2014

Mark Sanford has broken off his engagement to his Argentinian fiancee. So did he tell her “Happy Trails”?

 

Or did he tell her to take a hike?

 

 

Los Angeles Dodgers’ pitcher Hyun-Jin  left Fridays’  game against the  ‪#‎SFGiants‬ after the first inning with shoulder irritation. Did he hurt it twisting around watching ‪#‎Giants‬ run bases?

This isn’t an ‪#‎NFL‬ season, it’s a remake of “The Longest Yard” ‪#‎RayRice‬ ‪#‎AdrianPeterson‬ ‪#‎RayMcDonald‬

Roger Goodell  has been so focused on making it a No Fun League when maybe he should have been focused on having a No Felons League . ‪ #NFL

So how long until Bud Selig and MLB start marketing baseball as “the sport where only baseballs get hit.”?

In a new survery, 55% of Americans said they do not believe Roger Goodell’s statement that “to his knowledge, no one in the league offices saw the video of the incident until Monday.” 21% had no opinion and 24% believe him. And somewhere in Nigeria princes are salivating over that 24%.

My friend Alex B. points out that as of yesterday, NFL.com still had Ladies’ Ray Rice Baltimore Ravens Jerseys on sale through their website. Now there’s a potential Christmas gift that could make a vacuum cleaner look sensitive by comparison.

Toronto Mayor Rob Ford, seeking treatment for a tumor, has withdrawn his re-election bid for mayor. Hoping he recovers. But it’s already tragic news, for comedy writers.

The Orioles’ Chris Davis was suspended 25 games for using amphetamines, He says “I made a mistake by taking Adderall. I had permission to use it in the past, but do not have a therapeutic use exemption this year.” But the MLB drug agreement only results in followup testing for the 1st stimulant violation, the 2nd brings the suspension. And Davis still couldn’t figure out a way to get a new exemption? The 25 games is as much for stupidity as drugs.

Oscar Pistorius was at least found guilty of “culpable homicide” in the shooting death of his girlfriend, (the equivalent of voluntary manslaughter.)    Although no doubt some think “If only the young woman had been armed.”

You are asleep and you wake up because you hear a scary noise. What’s the first thing you do if you are married or in a relationship where you share a bed? Uh, look over to your partner to say “did you hear that?” Maybe wake them up. But nobody doesn’t even look. Even Los Angeles juries have to be shaking their heads on the Pistorius trial.

 

A major investor claims that Olive Garden servers need to cut down on bringing out free breadsticks, because “after sitting just 7 minutes, the breadsticks deteriorate in quality.” Bringing to mind the question, “How low can you go?”

 

From Bill Littlejohn  “Looks like former FBI Chief Robert S. Mueller III is gathering people from all about to run a spread offense against Roger Goodell, the NFL, and what appears to be a Cover 4 Defense..”