Posted tagged ‘Diana Nyad jokes’

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Bussing to hell

September 4, 2013

Cleveland kidnapper Ariel Castro was found dead in his cell Tuesday night. “Bummer”, said absolutely nobody.

(one friend suggested he inspire Jerry Sandusky…)

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Hell freezes over alert? The Pittsburgh Pirates won their 81st game, thereby guaranteeing they will not finish with a losing record for the first time in 21 seasons. And somewhere God is thinking “Now, don’t get too excited, Cubs fans.”

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A new proposed Senate resolution on Syria would limit military action to 90 days. Why didn’t we think of that for Iraq?

 

Chaz Bono has lost 80 pounds in less than a year. And women are thinking – No fair, even for transgendered men why does it have to be easier for them to lose weight than us?

 

Congrats again to 64 year old Diana Nyad for her swim from Cuba to Florida. Her attitude certainly helped, rumor has it she simply told sharks “You punks get out of my ocean.”

 

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The Hartford Courant is reporting that police have new video showing Aaron Hernandez at a Boston club at the same time as two men who were shot and killed later that night. How much worse does it get before the Patriots bring back Tim Tebow just to change the headlines?

(Peter C. suggests he could be team chaplain.)

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What a golden week for television: Jon Stewart is back, and Kris Jenner’s talk show has apparently been cancelled.

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Pablo Sandoval today became second visiting player ever to have three home runs in a game at Petco Park. First was Ryan Braun. Will Big Macs now suddenly be considered a PED?

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Apparently a woman who gave birth to a 13 lb 11 oz baby in Spain last month did it naturally without a epidural.    Without knowing , I do feel pretty sure in guessing  it was not her first child.

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A Lufthansa flight from Stockholm to Frankfurt was diverted to Copenhagen due to a “worrisome” smell that turned out to be from a new carpet. This would never happen to a U.S. airline. When would they have have new carpet?

(Sean Smith suggests that new carpet rows would have a $35 surcharge.)

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NY Yankees manager Joe Girardi said he is going to try to get Mariano Rivera to reconsider his retirement. Wonder if Girardi first will hire as a special assistant, Brett Favre.

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In the swim

September 2, 2013

Diana Nyad completed her swim today from Cuba to Florida. Upon her landing, out of habit five MLB teams offered her a contract.

(my friend Jeff Klein responded, and out of habit, most baseball fans figured she should be tested for PED’s)

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Apparently some Christians are claiming that Tim Tebow was cut from the Patriots for reasons of religious persecution. Really? If someone could have a QB rating near 100, he could sacrifice goats at midfield and he’d have multiple free agent offers.

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The BBC just revealed that a Polish captain ran his cargo ship aground onto islands off the Northumberland coast this March when he planned a course from Scotland to Belgium and forgot about England. (Really). Good thing we are all too PC now for Polish jokes.

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A new study says the average man has grown 4 inches in the last century. Sorry, gentlemen, we’re talking height.

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A Georgia WR is out for the season after injuring himself celebrating a touchdown. Well, this injury at least is not likely to befall the Oakland Raiders.

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A new proposal in Europe is for Intelligent Speed Authority devices that would apply the brakes to any vehicle going above the speed limit. Let’s hope no one tells NY mayor Bloomberg.

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Ray Lewis is now saying that he thinks the blackout during last year’s Super Bowl was a ploy to help the SF 49srs. “not gonna accuse nobody of nothing — because I don’t know facts, But you’re a zillion-dollar company, and your lights go out? No. No way. You cannot tell me somebody wasn’t sitting there and when they say, ‘The Ravens [are] about to blow them out. Man, we better do something.” Hmm, does Ray want people to start excusing his part in that murder due to a head injury.

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A former colleague of David Frost, quoted in the U.K. Telegraph. “He never saw age like the rest of us.” And he told of one late Thatcher interview they prefaced with clips from previous encounters between the two of them over a decade ago.  Where the staff was worried that he would feel badly seeing his younger self.   And Frost’s only response upon seeing them “Hasn’t she aged?”

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From Bill Littlejohn”  Michael Malone, the new coach for the NBA Sacramento Kings, says he once wanted to work for the government as a secret agent.  As Kings coach, however, Malone he has a chance to start the season at 00-7.

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