Author Archive
November 23, 2008
So Penn State is heading to the Rose Bowl “presented by Citi.” Although this is the 95th time the game will take place, the first Rose Bowl was actually in 1902. Which was ironically the rookie year coaching for Joe Paterno.
The Rose Bowl is referred to as the “grandaddy of them all.” Though Paterno says, “Hey, that’s MY title.”
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Many fans didn’t think the 82 year old Paterno would make it coaching through the year. Ironically it now seems likely he will be viable longer than Citi.
George W. Bush still has almost two months in office. Then he can go back to Texas, and bankrupting just one company at a time.
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As one of his last acts in office, President Bush is trying to remove species from the Endangered Species Act. Though he is doing his best to add the Republican Party.
In the meantime, he is cleaning out the White House library – “The Military for dummies,” “The Economy for dummies,” “The Environment for dummies..”
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But everyone’s writing books when they leave Washington – Laura Bush, Condoleezza Rice, the President himself. Even Dick Cheney said he thinks he’ll take a shot at it.
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Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Citi, George W. Bush, Joe Paterno, Rose Bowl
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November 22, 2008
Many men and teenage boys in America are giving thanks early. Most weekend shows of “Twilight” are sold out.
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On Thanksgiving Day itself, the NFL’s featured game will be between the now perfect Titans and the perfectly awful Lions. Guess it’s the league’s way of making sure all their fans get a Thanksgiving Turkey.
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The woeful Washington Wizards fell to 1-8 to open the NBA season. On a brighter note, they’ve just been declared honorary members of the Bush administration.
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Backup University of Florida quarterback Cameron Newton was arrested and charged with stealing another student’s laptop. He is the second Gator to be arrested this year. Who do they think they are, the FSU Seminoles?
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The stock market finished another tumultuous week. Most Americans haven’t seen numbers fall this fast since President Bush’s approval ratings.
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A woman gave birth earlier this week on a Finnair flight. Good thing she was flying Finnair and not an American carrier. Upon landing they would have probably charged her an extra child’s fare.
Or- from my funny friend Alex Kaseberg – when her water broke TSA might have arrested her for bringing on more than three ounces of liquid.
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Detroit Lions, NFL, President Bush, Tennessee Titans, Thanksgiving, Twilight, Washington Wizards
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November 21, 2008
Congressional Democrats said they were wary of just handing out money to automakers, and Nancy Pelosi said that “until they show us the plan we cannot show them the money.”
Now there is a concept. Too bad we can’t pay our taxes the same way.
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Of course, if Detroit had had a plan, they probably wouldn’t need the money.
And around the sports world, many season ticket holders are wishing they could make the same deal.
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The Coast Guard intercepted a suspicious looking boat off the coast of Baja and seized over 10,000 pounds of marijuana that was apparently headed for California. In related news, 7-11 downgraded their California profit forecasts.
Different take on the same story – bad pun alert –
The Coast Guard managed to retrieve more than 130 bales of marijuana thrown overboard by a speedboat they were pursuing.
Guess they wanted to avoid a high tide.
The CIncinnati Bengals lost their ninth game Thursday night, after Chad Johnson was benched for undisclosed reason. Or in other words, at least for tonight Ocho Cinco was Ocho Seite’d.
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20 members of the Washington Redskins are currently leading at their positions in fan balloting for the Pro Bowl. Well, it might be good for the fans of the game. The Redskins are looking less and less likely to be banged up from playoff games.
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Also in Washington, injured point guard Gilbert Arenas, has said that if the 1-7 Wizards finish in last place that it could be “for the better.” Well, if his knee doesn’t improve, Gilbert could have a great future as spokesman for the Republican National Committee.
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Arenas made the comments at Madame Tussaud’s wax museum, while unveiling a figure of himself. Afterwards, officials at Madame Tussaud’s promised to rework Gilbert’s statue, so it would more accurately show him with his foot in his mouth.
Rumors have it that Hillary Clinton will be officially announced as Obama’s pick for Secretary of State. Well, this won’t solve our nation’s problems, but it does mean one cheerful thing: Bill Clinton jokes are back.
Ken Griffey Jr. became the newest American Public Diplomacy Envoy this week.
Not quite sure what that is, but it sounds like a good fit. Because our Diplomacy over the last few years has been as banged up as Griffey.
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Bill Clinton, Cincinnati Bengals, Coast Guard, Congress, Hillary Clinton, Ken Griffey Jr, marijuana, Nancy Pelosi, Washington Redskins
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November 20, 2008
Executives from Ford, GM and Chrysler apparently flew to their bailout hearings in their own private jets?
Isn’t this like Bill Clinton needing a character reference on his vetting statement, and using Monica Lewinsky?
Or maybe more like it…
Isn’t this like Ted Stevens being convicted on felony counts for taking illegal gifts, being tossed out of the Senate, and asking if he can take his office furniture home?
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The new Dallas Cowboys stadium beat out several other applicants, including Ford Field, to be the site of the 2014 NCAA Men’s Basketball ball Final Four. Detroit backers were particularly disappointed; they feel they have so much experience in hosting amateur sporting events with the Lions.
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While awaiting a transplant, a 14 year old girl survived almost 4 months in a hospital with out a heart. Dick Cheney asked “And your point is…?”
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Notre Dame, despite being headed towards a five loss season (if they split games with Syracuse and USC) is still getting interest from the New Year’s Day Cotton and Gator bowls.
If they are invited, it would be the first time either of these bowls includes a team with five losses. But clearly the potential audience overweighs any real merit or record.
In related news, Sarah Palin is reportedly close to signing a $7 million book contract.
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Sarah Palin is reportedly close to signing a $7 million book contract. Upon hearing the news, President Bush said, for that much money, I’ll read one too.
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: bailout, Bill Clinton, Cowboys, Cowboys Stadium, Dallas, George W. Bush, Monica Lewinsky, NCAA Final Four, President Bush, Sarah Palin
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November 19, 2008
ESPN kicked off, or I should say tipped off, its men’s college basketball season coverage with a 14 game marathon starting at midnight. Unsuspecting fans were shocked to turn on the television at that hour and see basketball, they thought the only live games at midnight were the baseball playoffs.
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The New York Yankees are opening their new stadium next year with exhibition games against the Chicago Cubs. Why the Cubs? The Yankees wanted an opponent who wouldn’t learn anything about the stadium they could use in a potential World Series.
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President Bush has been inviting several champion sports teams, including most recently the U.S. Ryder Cup winners, to the White House during his last months in office. But given George W’s own record, wouldn’t a more appropriate team to invite be the 1-7 Washington Wizards?
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University of Michigan coach Rich Rodriguez has told fans to “get a life” after reading some negative personal comments on message boards. And certainly it’s wrong to attack a coach personally just because of a lousy season. But a tip for Coach Rodriguez. When you’re 3-8 with a school record for football losses, maybe it’s not a good idea to be reading message boards.
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Senator Ted Stevens has now lost his bid for re-election, although if elected he would have probably been forced to resign soon anyway. So two words that comedy writers won’t be getting for Christmas – “Senator Palin.”
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: basketball marathon, George W. Bush, New York Yankees, President Bush, Rich Rodriguez, Sarah Palin, University of Michigan
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November 18, 2008
A USA Today ad on Monday touted “Make millions by buying bad loans.”
Yeah, we’ve already learned how to do that. Start with billions.
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Barack Obama has been busy meeting with old rivals and possibly offering some of them key positions in his admininstrations. But for those those who think he might sell out completely, the President-elect from Chicago’s South Side has announced he will never ever root for the Cubs.
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And Obama said on 60 minutes that he was serious about a college football playoff and was willing to “throw his weight around a little” to do it. When he talked about sitting down with dictators without preconditions, who knew he was including the BCS?
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President Bush invited the Ryder Cup team members to the White House and told them he had he avidly followed “every minute” of their play.
Well, yeah, not like he had anything else to do this September
The Canadian Football League’s Grey Cup championship is Sunday, November 23. It will only be televised to limited viewers in the U.S. Apparently the media doesn’t feel that Americans will be that interested in a game between two perceived mediocre small market teams.
As opposed to say, this week’s Monday night football game between the Cleveland Browns and Buffalo Bills.
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in Monday Night Football, the Bills had a chance to win the game, but a 47 yard field goal attempt missed by going too far to the right. Which might have also been how John McCain lost the election.
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Barack Obama, CFL, George W. Bush, Grey Cup
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November 16, 2008
As the Lions continued their quest for a perfect season by losing a tenth game in the row….
The CIncinnati Bengals played a true stinker of a game, and still ended up tying the Philadelphia Eagles 13-13 after neither team could score in overtime.
But really, tying the Cincinnati Bengals? Isn’t that like french kissing your sister?
Or getting drunk, trying to kiss your sister, and kissing your brother-in-law?
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And Sunday on 60 Minutes, Barack Obama reiterated his call for a playoff system for the top college teams. Was there a hometown bias? Based on their earlier 37-3 loss to the Green Bay Packers, the Chicago Bears might just qualify.
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And as we start thinking about the inaugural:
In 1841, William Henry Harrison gave the longest inauguration speech in history, almost two hours, in bitter cold weather. He caught pneumonia and died a month later. Well, it’s a good thing that there is no inaugural speech for the Vice President.
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Mike Huckabee is getting his own show on Fox News. Not to be outdone, Sarah Palin will be getting her own show too: “Northern Overexposure.”
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Barack Obama, Cincinnati Bengals, Detroit Lions, inauguration, Joe Biden, Sarah Palin, William Henry Harrison
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November 16, 2008
A questionnaire for applicants for one of 8,000 jobs in the Obama administration asks about anything potentially embarrassing you may ever have said, done, or posted, including on blogs, MySpace, and Facebook.
Forget 8,000 jobs, with those criteria they might be lucky enough to find that many people who could attend his inaugural.
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And those who do pass the criteria will certainly be over 50.
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A new benefit for the baby boomer generation: being lucky enough to grow up during a time where every stupid thing you did in college and high school was likely only witnessed by contemporaries who couldn’t remember it well either.
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Another sign you need to get a life post-election: (And hey, I resemble this remark.)
You get dressed in the morning and feel naked without your Obama button.
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The University of Michigan paid a total over $4 million to get coach Rich Rodriguez away from West Virginia University. Now, with a 3-8 record, Michigan boosters wonder, how much do they have to pay for West Virginia to take him back?
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The New York Yankees are prepared to make a record offer to pitcher C.C. Sabathia for 2009. With the added inducement of no recent record to live up to in the playoffs.
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And kudos again to the University of Cincinnati Bearcats, who will move into the college football top 20 after knocking off Louisville Friday night and are almost certainly headed to post-season play.
To which Bengals fans ask – what’s post season play?
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Barack Obama, Bengals, Cincinnati, election, inauguration
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November 15, 2008
Okay, it’s 11 days after the election and over two months until Obama’s inauguration. Which means it’s a good time to look for signs that you might need a life again…
For example:
You still get up first thing in the morning and automatically go to Pollster.com
You plan to watch the 2-7 St. Louis Rams against the 2-7 San Francisco 49ers, and you don’t even live in St. Louis or San Francisco.
For that matter, you plan to watch the Rams – 49ers game and you DO live in St. Louis or San Francisco.
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You really really care if Obama or McCain end up winning Missouri.
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Back to sports.
Is it time yet to rename it “Frequently Suspended University.”
Nine games into the season, the FSU Seminoles have played only TWO games without at least one player suspended. 19 different players have been suspended at least one game. each. And they haven’t even had final exams to get caught cheating on yet.
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The Philadelphia Phillies have announced after their first World Series win since 1980 that they will be raising ticket prices. Guess after a championship this is the only way to be sure in 2009 that they give their fans something to boo about.
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And back to politics:
Governor Sarah Palin was asked what she thought of Hillary Clinton possibly being named Secretary of State. And she responded, “which state?”
Or,
Sarah Palin was asked what she thought about Obama choosing Hillary as his Secretary of State. And she responded. “No more trick questions, America’s not a state, it’s a country.”
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: election, FSU, McCain, Obama
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November 14, 2008
Michael Vick’s lawyer says that the former quarterback wants to return to the NFL when he is released from prison. Vick is at least hoping to be paroled to the equivalent of a halfway house – like the Lions or 49ers.
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Hillary Clinton is apparently being considered for the job of Secretary of State. At first she was leery of the idea, and Obama reportedly told her, “I understand, it’s a lot of travel, you won’t see your spouse for weeks at a time,” and which point Hillary interjected “I’m in.”
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The New York Jets beat the New England Patriots on Thursday night football, a win that would have been unimaginable back when Tom Brady was healthy and Brett Favre was just learning the Jets offense. But this just proves the old saw “Age and treachery will overcome youth and an ACL.”
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The recount in Alaska is swinging back and forth between convicted felon and incumbent Ted Stevens and his Democratic Senate challenger Mark Begich. Although if Stevens wins, he is likely to resign. And reportedly Sarah Palin will run for his seat.
Wonder if she remembers saying the Vice President is in charge of the Senate?
Though if she does win, Joe Biden has to be telling himself, “I got out of there just in time…”
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Congratulations to Tim Lincecum, the San Francisco Giants’ baby-faced and pint-sized 24 year old fireballer, who won the Cy Young award for the best pitcher in the National League. Lincecum compiled 18 wins, the most strikeouts, and the second best ERA in the league. And amazingly, he did it without the benefit of pitching against the Giants’ hitters.
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On the other end of the spectrum, 45 year old Randy Johnson filed for free agency after he failed to come to terms with the Arizona Diamondbacks. Apparently the D’backs were hoping Johnson would give the team a senior discount.
From my funny friend Bill Littlejohn:
“The Cubs acquired closer Kevin Gregg from the Marlins, meaning that Kerry Wood likely won’t be back.The Cubs, however, plan to retire Wood’s spot on the disabled list”
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Barack Obama, Bill Littlejohn, Hillary Clinton, Kerry Wood, Sarah Palin, Tim Lincecum
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November 13, 2008
The NFL has announced lower playoff ticket prices for this year. Yet another attempted economic stimulus that won’t trickle down to Detroit.
Apparently the average ticket price will be down 10 percent from last year. Except in Arizona, where Cardinal fans are still saying “So what ARE these things called playoff tickets?”
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Sarah Palin continues the blame game for her and John McCain’s loss last week -everyone from the media, to staffers, to being muzzled, to Bush’s policies… Any day now she’ll complain that they might have won if voters weren’t influenced by Simon, Randy and Paula.
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And President-elect Obama is already beginning his efforts to put together an administation that will help ailing industries. Although for comedy writers, he’s already chosen Joe Biden.
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John McCain made his first campaign appearance on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno. Well, where else could he have gone for more sympathy after having lost a job to a younger, less experienced man?
And finally, an incredibly tacky joke: Don’t read if you are easily offended.
Barack Obama chatted this week with Bill Clinton. At one point Obama asked the former president about living with a dog in the White House. Clinton replied, it’s not so bad, you have interns.
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Barack Obama, Bill Clinton, Detroit Lions, NFL, playoff tickets, playoffs, Sarah Palin
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November 12, 2008
George W. Bush says he will be writing a book after he leaves the White House. Aides told the President that he will probably need a ghost-writer.
Bush’s purported response: Can we get Casper?
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If the book gets published George W. may go into the record books – as the first President to write a book before he reads one.
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Back to sports:
Tim Lincecum of the San Francisco Giants won the Cy Young award Tuesday. He says he hopes to celebrate with a new car. Once he gets his learner’s permit.
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A Chicago writer was the only voter to leave Lincecum off the ballot. What, did he accidentally vote for Barack Obama?
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President Bush said in an interview that he has said some things that he regrets saying. Of course, what most Americans regret hearing him say was:
“I do solemnly swear that I will faithfully execute the office of President of the United States, and will to the best of my ability, preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States.”
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Barack Obama, Cy Young, George W. Bush, Tim Lincecum
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November 11, 2008
“Change” is indeed the word for this fall. The Tampa Bay Rays made it to the World Series, the Arizona Cardinals have a four game lead in their division, and the U.S. elected a black president.
Fans of the status quo, however, will be relieved to see the L.A. Clippers are off to another 1-6 start.
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Barack Obama met George W. Bush today for his White House tour and moving-in orientation. Finally, a home eviction Americans can feel good about.
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Barack Obama visited his future residence for the first time Monday. Actually the White House is not that different from many homes in America – its value has decreased under the current occupant.
There’s real change in the vice-presidency too. We’re going from a guy who recklessly shoots off his gun, to a guy who recklessly shoots off his mouth.
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But for those who fear that the relatively young Obama might be a reckless president, here’s a reassuring thought on his pragmatism – he’s from Chicago, and he’s NOT a Cubs fan.
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Barack Obama, Chicago Cubs, Dick Cheney, George W. Bush, Joe Biden
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November 10, 2008
Yes, it is officially only 45 days until Christmas, which many retailers fear may be the worst in recent memory. Especially now that the Republican National Committee is no longer shopping for Sarah Palin.
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One real problem facing the new President-elect will be Detroit. Barack Obama says he has hopes of working out a plan to save GM and Ford, but realistically there’s nothing he can do about the Lions.
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Speaking of football, there’s one silver lining for the offensively challenged Oakland Raiders this season. No fines for touchdown celebrations.
Although the team does plan a big celebration if they ever score one.
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With all the rumors about former Democratic presidential candidates ending up in an Obama administration, one name is notably absent – John Edwards.
Though based on his haircuts and recent personal history he might well apply for a job as either director of Pentagon procurement, or being in charge of hiring interns.
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President Bush was a little confused about the meeting with Obama on Monday. When an aide referred to Barack as the new “President-elect” he responded “You mean you have to get elected?”
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Barack Obama, Detroit Lions, John Edwards, Oakland Raiders, Sarah Palin
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November 8, 2008
A recent poll said that 64 percent of Republicans want Sarah Palin to run for president in 2012.
And presumably about 100 percent of Democrats.
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Though to be fair, McCain-Palin did win every state she could see from her house.
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Ralph Nader was chastised by Fox News anchor Shepard Smith for using a derogatory racial term to describe President-elect Obama.
Isn’t being chastised by Fox News on political correctness like being chastised by John Edwards on family values?
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In the end, Hillary Clinton turned out be a real soldier for Barack Obama. Ironically, some of her best campaigning came after Obama told her he thought he might be able to give her an important role in his administration, but it wouldn’t come with a first-lady type job for her husband.
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: John McCain, Sarah Palin
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November 8, 2008
It seems like much of the world is celebrating the election of Barack Obama as President of the United States. Including especially many of the commuters on Amtrak from Wilmington to Washington DC. Finally, they are going to get some peace and quiet.
(see bottom of this post if that doesn’t make sense.)
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Despite many people’s worries the election seems to have gone relatively smoothly. With few computer problems or allegations of tampering.
But all is not lost for conspiracy theorists – there’s still the BCS.
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Barack Obama said on Monday Night Football that he thought we should have a college football playoff system. Had he only added “and we should re-regulate the airlines”, he would have really won in a landslide.
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To increase their revenue, Boston Red Sox are adding 560 new seats next year to Fenway Park. And not to be outdone, while they bid for Manny Ramirez the Dodgers are adding seats too. They will be sold for after the seventh inning only, and will be located in the parking lot.
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Sam Perry has become a celebrity after Oprah cried on his shoulder Tuesday night and the pictures went out on worldwide television. Just as well that the scene was televised. Can you imagine coming home? “Yes, honey, it’s makeup, but it’s not what you think…really, it was Oprah.”
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(oh, and regarding the commuters to Wilmington. Joe Biden has been a regular commuter on that train.)
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Amtrak, Barack Obama, Joe Biden, Oprah
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November 7, 2008
Ryan Leaf was placed on “administrative leave” from his job as an assistant quarterback coach at West Texas A & M over drug allegations, ten years after he was the number two choice in the NFL draft.
Yep, he’s right on track for a future career in “Celebrity boxing.”
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All of a sudden, Peyton Manning’s 4-4 start with the Indianapolis Colts doesn’t look so bad. (Manning was drafted number one in the 1998 draft, Leaf was number two.)
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The Los Angeles Dodgers have offered a hefty two-year contract to Manny Ramirez, but may end up being outbid. Hey, times are tough, especially when you only get concession revenues from the third to the seventh inning.
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On election night, Oprah ended up crying on the shoulder of a stranger, who turned out to be an Obama volunteer from California. Sam Perry, aka Mr. Man, said he didn’t mind a bit, after all as a Democrat he was used to women crying on election night.
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John McCain’s staff denied there were any bad feelings late in the campaign between the Senator and Governor Palin. They also denied that McCain had had any “buyer’s remorse’ about the pick. In fact, one aide said that John had even suggested Sarah go hunting with Dick Cheney.
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The Denver Broncos defeated the Cleveland Browns, in “Thursday Night Football.” Or, as the NFL refers to its new scheduling policy: “If we can find a night we think you will watch we’re playing a game.”
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And once again, the Oakland Raiders home game Sunday will be blacked out in the San Francisco because the team didn’t sell enough tickets. Is this really the right strategy. Maybe the threat should be, if you don’t buy tickets, we’ll black out the alternate game between two real teams.
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And after Barack Obama’s historic win, Americans stockpiled newspapers Wednesday morning to save for their grandchildren. Who will probably ask someday “What’s a newspaper?”
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Barack Obama, John McCain, Oakland Raiders, Oprah, Ryan Leaf, Sarah Palin
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November 6, 2008
It should be at least a few weeks before the first candidates declare for 2012.
One day after the election, Barack Obama is working on his transition team. And Joe Biden is just finishing delivering his VP acceptance speech.
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Sarah Palin said she doesn’t believe she cost John Palin a single vote. Well, Obama may have won most of the swing states, but Palin certainly owns the state of denial.
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After the election there were plenty of phone calls. George W. Bush and Dick Cheney called John McCain to offer condolences. And Bill Clinton called Sarah Palin to offer to buy her lunch.
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After the end of the baseball season Manny Ramirez said he wanted a big longterm contract, saying “I want to see who is the highest bidder. Gas is up and so am I,”
Yeah, proving exactly why smart teams won’t sign him to a long term contract…
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There are reports that Major League Baseball agents are scrambling to sign their clients’ big contracts before January 1, when President-Elect Obama’s expected tax increases will hit multi-millionaires.
So who knew, they may not make the playoffs, but the Yankees could at least help pay off our national debt.
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And voters in San Francisco overwhelmingly rejected a measure that would have renamed a local sewage plant after George W. Bush. Of course, San Franciscans being San Franciscans, no word as to whether they thought the renaming would be unfair to the president, or to the sewage plant.
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Barack Obama, election, George W. Bush, Joe Biden, New York Yankees, Sarah Palin
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November 5, 2008
In the meantime. Yippee! Or in a more professional style. Can we believe it? This is an historic election in more ways than one. And there will be plenty of time for jokes.
But for now, wow. again, Yippee!!!
I am so proud to be an American.
(And yes, kudos to John McCain and his classy concession speech. As they said about Charles I on the day of his execution – “Nothing in his life so became him as the leaving of it.”)
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November 4, 2008
Pittsburgh Steelers receiver Santonio Holmes returned after being benched for a game after police found marijuana cigars in his car. he caught three passes for 30 yards including a five yard touchdown pass. He denied rumors that the touchdown catch was a “high-five.”
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On interviews during the halftime show of Monday Night Football, John McCain said he’d like to get performance-enchancing drugs out of sports. Barack Obama said he’d just like to see a playoff system in college football. That settles it – they’re BOTH unrealistic dreamers.
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A prankster purporting claiming to be President Sarkovy calling from Paris managed to dupe Sarah Palin into a conversation. But to be fair, Governor Palin said she hadn’t talked to anyone speaking Parisian before.
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And finally on election eve. The Arizona Cardinals are in first place and the Tennessee Titans are undefeated. The New York Yankees didn’t make the playoffs, and both the Philadelphia Philles and the Tampa Bay Rays made it to the World Series. By comparison, you could have probably gotten better odds on the U.S. electing a black man to be our next president….
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Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Barack Obama, John McCain, Monday Night Football, Sarah Palin
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Left Coast Sports Babe 