Posted tagged ‘President Bush’

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It’s a cold day in Washington…

January 17, 2009

With icy-cold temperatures expected, there are rumors that Obama’s inauguration might have to be moved indoors. Which would mean a lot of disappointed people standing out in the cold. A common occurrence in Washington, except usually involving Redskins fans.

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But it’s been a rough several months for New Yorkers. I mean, this inauguration was supposed to be either President Hillary Clinton or Rudy Guiliani, while this weekend the N.Y Giants (and maybe the Jets with Brett Favre) were supposed to be playing for a spot in the Super Bowl. And let’s not forget the expected World Series champion New York Yankees or Mets…
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Tiger Woods will be speaking at Barack Obama’s inaugural ceremonies. Many of his fellow pro golfers were disappointed to hear it. They felt Obama should have given Tiger a role more commensurate with his abilities, like an ambassadorship that would regularly take him out of the country on a full-time basis.

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It’s been eight years and President Bush doesn’t quite get it. When he was told at first he would need to give a farewell address, his first response was “Well, until Tuesday it’s still 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.”

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BCS -Big Conference $

January 10, 2009

As perhaps the most contested BCS – Big Conference $ – bowl season has come to an end….should we be surprised that the pivotal contest occurred in Florida?

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Barack Obama has renewed his call for a college football playoff to avoid such contested results in future.   George W. Bush for his part believes we should use a more time-tested method to choose a winner – the Supreme Court.

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And another but not the last comment on the excuse of not having playoffs because it wouldn’t be fair to the student-athletes….  Right, like Florida wide receiver Louis Murphy, a senior majoring in  –  I am not making this up -Recreation Event Management.

(Didn’t that used to be called partying?)

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Barack Obama is now bringing his mother-in-law to Washington, so grandma will be in the White House.   Sarah Palin promptly accused Obama of stealing her 2012 campaign slogan.

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Two of the most critically acclaimed movies now out are “Doubt” and “Defiance.”  Both might do better at the box office, however, if so many Americans didnt think they were documentaries on Rod Blagojevich.

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Aother funny line from Bill Littlejohn:

 Milton Bradley donned Sammy Sosa‘s old No. 21 as he was introduced in Chicago.When someone asked him about his anger issues, Bradley suddenly couldn’t speak English”
 

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Shane Lechler, the Oakland Raiders punter, was named this week to his fourth All-Pro team.   Not to diminish this achievement, but to be fair, Lechler does get more than his share of practice.

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Stanford football coach Jim Harbaugh, who has not signed his recent (and supposedly agreed-upon) contract extension, is now rumored to have interviewed for the New York Jets job.

So if Harbaugh ends up coaching Brett Favre will he tell Stanford that he wasn’t “fully committed” to his contract extension, and that he “felt pressured to make a decision?”

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Retail downturn…

January 5, 2009

Many economists predict that the retail downturn will continue, and that many stores will close in 2009.  This is the result of increased unemployment, declining consumer confidence, and the fact the RNC is no longer shopping for Sarah Palin.

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Miami commuters were delayed for hours last Friday after a local expressway was littered with thousands of shoes.  Or as President Bush called them “A mass of weapons of destruction.”

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The Philadelphia Eagles, led by quarterback Donovan McNabb, beat the Minnesota Vikings 26-14.   McNabb was actually benched in late November for his poor play…  Forget comeback player of the year, McNabb might be comeback player of the month.

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Lebron James was actually called for travelling in the waning seconds of a Cleveland Cavaliers loss to the lowly Washington Wizards,  who are now 7-25.   Vegas oddmakers immediately put up a new wager – will Lebron finish the year with more or less travelling calls than the Wizards have wins?

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The San Diego Chargers surprised the world by knocking off the Indianapolis Colts in their playoff game Saturday.  Which means that  next week,  Chargers quarterback Philip Rivers might get almost as much television airtime as Peyton Manning.

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Good news or bad news, depending on how big a Peyton fan you are.  With his team out of the playoffs, Manning will have a lot more time to make more commercials.

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And the star of the game for San Diego, was a 5’6″ reserve running back named Darren Sproles,  who ended up speeding all over the place with 328 yards, despite being the shortest man on the field. (including the officials.) 

Who’d a thunk the Chargers would end up being powered by the Energizer Bunny?

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A case of New Year’s Whine…

January 4, 2009

As anyone who knows me or reads this blog knows, I am not a fan of the BCS system.

On the other hand, when USC coach Pete Carroll whines “Our team could beat anyone,”  it seems to me the logical response is, then why didn’t you beat Oregon State?   (Four other teams did… including the 5-7 Stanford Cardinal.)

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Back to the other side, one of the arguments against a “plus one” at least playoff system is that it means the student-athletes involved would have to keep practicing and miss another week of school.  As opposed to the current system, where most of the big games are on New Year’s Day, and the two teams in the championship game…play EXACTLY one week later.

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Ann Coulter is currently slamming Michelle Obama for her style.  Isn’t being slammed by Ann Coulter for your style like being slammed by George W. Bush for your speaking skills?

 

Or isn’t being slammed by Ann Coulter for your style like being slammed by Michael Jackson for your child care skills?

 

Or – last one for today.  Isn’t being slammed by Ann Coulter for your style kind of like being slammed by Brett Favre for your indecisiveness?

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In Minnesota, where they may change the motto from “Land of a Thousand Lakes” to “Land of a Thousand Recounts,”  the Senate race goes on, and on.

At this point Minnesotans have to long for the good old days when they had nice simple elections and chose a pro-wrestler for governor.

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Tacky joke alert again…

 

When Charles Barkley was busted for DUI, he explained his driving to the police officer by saying he was in a hurry to get oral sex.  Alas he’s about eight years too late for a last minute presidential pardon.

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While we’re on the subject of songs…

December 23, 2008

After the Redskins played “Pick up the pieces” before their win on Sunday….

What about songs for other teams?
After the Yankees dropped ANOTHER $180 million to get Mark Teixeira.  Can we change their song from “New York, New York” to “Money can’t buy me love?”

(this might even be true within the five New York boroughs, if they don’t win at least the pennant.)

And the San Diego Chargers, with a 7-8 record and only needing a win to get into the playoffs – “Living on a Prayer.”

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New York Jets defensive end Shaun Hill was fined $10,000 for throwing snow at Seattle fans after the Jets’ 13-3 loss to the Seahawks. Actually Brett Favre tried to throw a snowball at the fans too, but it was intercepted and run back for a touchdown.

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Upcoming headline in New York:  “Yankees sign ALL Major League Baseball free agents.”

(why not?  They could just send the mediocre ones to their AAA and AA farmclubs.)

 

 Mike Tomlin did his best to show Santa Claus the door after the Steelers coach felt Santa had overstayed his welcome.  No worries,  Santa was actually heading to San Diego, where the potentially 8-8 Chargers may end up with a playoff spot for Christmas.

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Apparently there are problems with the cell phone connections from Hawaii to Washington D.C.  President-elect Obama has called several times to President Bush recently asking the first thing he should do upon taking office.  And all he hears is Bush saying “Pardon me?”

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It’s a great thing that Americans have put aside their prejudices, and elected a mixed-race president.  What might be even more surprising, they elected a man who admits he is still an occasional smoker. 

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And if this week is a little weak, I am spending eight days in Ireland and Britain.  Where the reality shows are all the same – seriously – X Factor (which is basically American Idol.), Strictly Come Dancing.  (which is NOT Dirty Dancing, but basically So you think you can Dance.)   And Don’t Forget the Lyrics, The Weakest Link, Are you smarter than a 10th grader? etc. 

 

So next time you think American programming executives are weak, trust me, they are weaker than you think .   And they aren’t original.

 

But regarding sports, the big ones over here on television…soccer, of course, but followed by snooker, show jumping (horses), cricket, and darts.  Yes, darts.  Serious darts.   And it’s great viewing for all those who would prefer to watch a sport like golf, but find themselves intimidated by all the athletes’  great physiques.

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A losing day for winners…

December 15, 2008

The two teams with the NFL’s best records – the Titans and Giants  – both lost Sunday, along with the division leading Cardinals and Broncos.  And the Steelers barely escaped with a win on a controversial touchdown call.

Most Americans haven’t seen so many high-flyers come down to earth since they opened their last 401K statement.

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Rumor has it that Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich may resign as early as Monday.  That is, once he negotiates a comfortable fee for his appearance on Court TV.

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Joe Biden has indicated that despite the fact that he will be a  heartbeat away from running the country, he intends to keep a lower profile than his predecessor.  Besides, he thinks Obama will be a far more competent leader than Cheney was.

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An Iraqi journalist threw a shoe at George W. Bush, but just missed hitting the President.   Although he was close enough that he will be offered a tryout by the Detroit Lions.

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An Iraqi man threw his size 10 shoe at President Bush this weekend, but just missed his target.    Fortunately there’s no chance the President will have to worry about shoes thrown by Bozo – due to professional courtesy.

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President Bush feels confident he will not have to face any shoe attacks back in the U.S.   The way the economy is going, most Americans can no longer afford a backup pair.

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John McCain would not commit to backing Sarah Palin for the presidency in 2012.  Though in the spirit of bi-partisanship, President-elect Obama said he thinks she would be a great choice as the Republican nominee.

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The Cleveland Indians just signed a two year deal with Kerry Wood.  Wood said he was happy with his new team, and also promised to be healthy and ready to be injured in spring training.

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And two great efforts from Nick Coombs:

An announcement is expected today that the AFL will forgo the 2009 season. This, combined with the recent signs of financial trouble within the WNBA has led ESPN executives to wonder what they are going to do with their ESPN2 3AM lineup.


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How are the New York Giants and the New York Knicks similar?
Neither team has players that know how to shoot.

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It’s all in the numbers…

December 12, 2008

Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich’s approval numbers are down to eight percent.  Amazing.  Didn’t realize eight percent of Americans were comedy writers.

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Illinois’s attorney general has asked the state Supreme Court to remove Blagojevich from office by declaring him “unfit to serve.”    Well, that didn’t stop President Bush.  

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Despite or maybe because of the huge free-agent contracts the Yankees have signed in the last week, the team is asking for another $360 million in bonds from the city of New York for their new stadium.

Actually, there are a surprising number of comparison between the Yankees and the American auto industry.    They’re both historic, big, and expensive….and neither has had a real winner this decade.

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Rod Blagojevich… who else….

December 10, 2008

Governor Rod Blagojevich may have set new standards for political stupidity.  Even Larry Craig said “What were you THINKING?”

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To save time, the gubernatorial oath in Illinois may now start with the words “Will the defendant please rise.”

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Amazingly,  Blagojevich ran for Governor promising to clean up state government.   Isn’t that like  if John Edwards ran for president promising to restore White House family values?

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With an assist and inspiration from Alex Kaseberg  –   Interestingly,  the governor had said “Go ahead, tap my phones.”    Apparently Blagojevich is a Serbian word meaning “stupidest political crook ever.”

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There’s a new bi-partisan spirit in Illinois.  Apparently Blagojevich may end up sharing a cell with his predecessor,  former Republican George Ryan.

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Of course down in Louisiana they are shaking their heads and saying “Amateurs…”

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Governor Blagojevich is accused of trying to sell Barack Obama’s senate seat to the highest bidder.  The cynical thought,  while we try to dig the country out of this recession, maybe we should sell ALL the seats in Congress to the highest bidders?  It would raise some money, and how much worse could we do?

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President George W. Bush now says of the Iraq war “I wish the intelligence had been different.”  Isn’t that like Sylvester Stallone trying to distance himself from the Rambo movies by saying “I wish the script had been different?”

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Of course, regarding the Bush presidency, many Americans just wish HIS intelligence had been different.   And ours, in voting to re-elect him.

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Major League Baseball wants to eliminate coin flips in deciding where to play tie-breaker games.    I suppose they want to use something less controversial…like BCS computers?

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Viable enterprises…

December 9, 2008

Congress is still unsure on bailing out Detroit,  because they want to be sure that taxpayer money will be spent on a “viable” enterprise.  On the other hand, even after he picked Sarah Palin,  John McCain  still received federal campaign financing.

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President Bush said of the bailout “These are important companies, but on the other hand, we just don’t want to put good money after bad.”  Besides, isn’t that what he thinks Iraq is for?

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Notre Dame accepted an invitation to the Hawaii Bowl.  Guess it was the best way to make sure their team wouldn’t be hit again by their own fans’ snowballs.

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The Golden State Warriors finally found a cure for their nine game losing streak.  It’s called “Playing the Oklahoma City Thunder.”

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Crisis management?

December 3, 2008

Former Oakland football coach Lane Kiffin, now hired as the new head coach at the University of Tennessee said that being with the “dysfunctional” Raiders was valuable experience.  And that “you can’t go to school and learn crisis management like going there.”

Of course, by that token the most learned people in American have worked in the Bush administration.

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Automotive companies CEOs are driving their own companies’ cars this week to Washington on their second trip to ask for loans and bailouts.   Which is a nice PR move…but if it catches on?

Just wait until the airline companies need bailouts,  their executives will keep Congress waiting for hours.   And I can already hear the excuses about lost files in luggage.

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Executives from all of the Big Three automakers will drive their own hybrids to Washington.  Many in Congress think this second bid is too little too late.  Just like Detroit starting to make hybrids.-

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More BCS madness.  The system was created to avoid controversy and confusion in choosing college football’s top teams.    So in the Big 12 title game, where the winner goes on to the national championship game,  the North division champion  Missouri will go against the as-determined-by-the-BCS South Division champion,  Oklahoma.    Texas, with an identical 11-1 record, barely lost out.

Oh and that one Oklahoma loss?  To Texas. 

To err is human, to really screw things up requires a BCS.

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There’s a new Plaxico Burress cocktail.  Just one very expensive shot.

 

 

 

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Madam secretary…

December 2, 2008

(Apologies if you see another post off  to the side, having some technical difficulties.)

 

With Hillary Clinton nominated as Barack Obama’s secretary of state, there are rumors her husband Bill will be chosen to take her place in the Senate. 

Former President Clinton was at first leery of the idea.  Aides advised him that with the demands of the Senate, he would have to spend most of his time in Washington, instead of traveling with his wife.  And Bill said… well, now that I think about it….”

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Bill Clinton said that before he would accept the New York Senate seat he would need three things:  Chuck Shumer’s support, Michael Bloomberg’s cooperation, and Eliot Spitzer’s rolodex.

 

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A recent study showed that the British are the most promiscuous people in the world in terms of one-night stands.  And Bill Clinton asked Barack Obama, “Say, have you filled that position as Ambassador to the United Kingdom yet?”

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GMAC, the financing arm of General Motors, has tightened credit to the point that only buyers with excellent credit can get loans.  So basically GM couldn’t get financing to buy their own cars.

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If convicted Plaxico Burress of the New York Giants faces at least a 3 1/2 year sentence for carrying an illegal firearm after he accidentally shot himself with his own gun at a Manhattan nightclub.  Though a good lawyer might be able to get him paroled to the Lions.
 
Actually carrying the gun wasn’t apparently the problem, dropping it was…
 
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Wonder what Burress’s defense will be, that he didn’t expect to be going to the nightclub, and was on this way to the airport?
 
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On the brighter side, if this NFL thing doesn’t work out, Burress has been offered a job working security for Dick Cheney.
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The definition of a recession is negative growth in the economy for at least two quarters. Now economists say that the United States is definitely in a recession, and has been so for a year. 
So where did all these economists come from?  FEMA?
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President Bush said last weekend that he wants history to see him as a “liberator of millions.”    For starters,  he liberated millions of Americans from voting Republican.
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This year’s Cyber Monday featured all kinds of items with prices slashed 50 percent or more.  Including stocks.
 

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Post turkey…

November 28, 2008

Edna Parker, the world’s oldest woman , died this week at the age of 115.   Apparently she had been heartbroken about that  “nice young man” John McCain losing the presidency..

 

The NFL featured three games on Thanksgiving.  Eagles fans are thankful Donovan McNabb is back, Cowboys fans are thankful to see their team’s hot streak continue, and Lions fans are thankful there are only four weeks left in the season.
 

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The  Olympic modern pentathlon” will now be reduced to four events.  And President Bush said “Well, I’m glad they finally got that right.”

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The White House accidentally sent out Hanukkah cards with Christmas trees and wreathes on them.  It could be worse, President Bush had originally wanted them to read “Happy Passover.”

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Mets fans are not thrilled with the name of their new stadium, which is scheduled to be known as Citi Field.    Some just think it is inappropriate, others think that any bailout should have included thee Mets bullpen.

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Turkey Eve..

November 26, 2008

Apparently after the President pardons a turkey for Thanksgiving, that turkey, and an alternate, will be flown first class from Washington to Los Angeles, yes, in the first class cabin, where they will be Grand Marshalls in Disney’s Thanksgiving Day Parade.  (Disney pays for the flight .)  The flight is apparently registered with the FAA as United Turkey 1.   

Does this really need a punchline?

(But okay, not to be confused with President Bush’s flight home to Texas January 20, which presumably will be now registered as Turkey 2.)

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Notre Dame’s student fans were apparently so incensed with the the Fighting Irish’s lousy performance in a loss against lowly Syracuse last Saturday that they threw snowballs at their own team.  The university is considering sanctions, although those who hit their targets have been invited to try out for quarterback.

 

The San Francisco Giants, who have already made one of the worst free agent signings of the decade with their long term big money contract to Barry Zito, are apparenlty considering making an offer to C.C. Sabathia.  Maybe they want him to bat fourth?

(note to anyone who doesn’t follow baseball closely, and thus is thinking, “huh?’ about that last joke.  C.C. Sabathia is one of the best hitting pitchers in the major leagues.)

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The NIMF – (National Institute on Media and the Family)  –  has come out with their list of ten  games that are too violent and that parents should not buy for their under-17 children  And coincidentally, those same ten games have jumped to the top of many children and young teenagers’ wish lists.

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tacky joke alert.

When Sarah Palin pardoned a turkey, the camera showed another turkey being slaughtered in the background.  Which has prompted calls from the American public for President Bush to pardon a banker or automaker.

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Lots of birds playing in the NFL’s three Thanksgiving Day games.  The Seahawks, Cardinals and Falcons in the later games. And of course the turkeys from Detroit in the first game.

 

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And finally, ah for the good old days… when toxic assets were simply buildings with abestos.

 

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An early Thanksgiving…

November 22, 2008

Many men and teenage boys in America are giving thanks early.  Most weekend shows of “Twilight” are sold out.

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On Thanksgiving Day itself, the NFL’s featured game will be between the now perfect Titans and the perfectly awful Lions.  Guess it’s the league’s way of making sure all their fans get a Thanksgiving Turkey.

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The woeful Washington Wizards fell to 1-8 to open the NBA season.  On a brighter note, they’ve just been declared honorary members of the Bush administration.

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Backup University of Florida quarterback Cameron Newton was arrested and charged with stealing another student’s laptop.   He is the second Gator to be arrested this year.  Who do they think they are, the FSU Seminoles?

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The stock market finished another tumultuous week.  Most Americans haven’t seen numbers fall this fast since President Bush’s approval ratings.

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A woman gave birth earlier this week on a Finnair flight.  Good thing she was flying Finnair and not an American carrier.  Upon landing they would have probably charged her an extra child’s fare.

Or-  from my funny friend  Alex Kaseberg – when her water broke TSA  might have arrested her for bringing on more than three ounces of liquid.

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Flying to your bailout hearing in a private jet?

November 20, 2008

Executives from Ford, GM and Chrysler apparently flew to their bailout hearings in their own private jets?

Isn’t this like Bill Clinton needing a character reference on his vetting statement, and using Monica Lewinsky?

Or maybe more like it…

Isn’t this like Ted Stevens being convicted on felony counts for taking illegal gifts, being tossed out of the Senate, and asking if he can take his office furniture home?

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The new Dallas Cowboys stadium beat out several other applicants, including Ford Field, to be the site of the 2014 NCAA Men’s Basketball ball Final Four.  Detroit backers were particularly disappointed;  they feel they have so much experience in hosting amateur sporting events with the Lions.

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While awaiting a  transplant, a 14 year old girl survived almost 4 months in a hospital with out a heart.   Dick Cheney asked “And your point is…?”

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Notre Dame, despite being headed towards a five loss season (if they split games with Syracuse and USC)  is still getting interest from the New Year’s Day Cotton and Gator bowls.

If they are invited, it would be the first time either of these bowls includes a team with five losses.   But clearly the potential audience overweighs any real merit or record.

In related news, Sarah Palin is reportedly close to signing a $7 million book contract. 

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Sarah Palin is reportedly close to signing a $7 million book contract.  Upon hearing the news, President Bush said, for that much money, I’ll read one too.

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Basketball and other late nights.

November 19, 2008

ESPN kicked off, or I should say tipped off, its men’s college basketball season coverage with a 14 game marathon starting at midnight.  Unsuspecting fans were shocked to turn on the television at that hour and see basketball, they thought the only live games at midnight were the baseball playoffs.

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The New York Yankees are opening their new stadium next year with exhibition games against the Chicago Cubs.  Why the Cubs?  The Yankees wanted an opponent who wouldn’t learn anything about the stadium they could use in a potential World Series.

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President Bush has been inviting several champion sports teams, including most recently the U.S. Ryder Cup winners, to the White House during his last months in office.  But given George W’s own record, wouldn’t a more appropriate team to invite be the 1-7 Washington Wizards?

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University of Michigan coach Rich Rodriguez has told fans to “get a life” after reading some negative personal comments on message boards.   And certainly it’s wrong to attack a coach personally just because of a lousy season.  But a tip for Coach Rodriguez.  When you’re 3-8 with a school record for football losses, maybe it’s not a good idea to be reading message boards. 

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Senator Ted Stevens has now lost his bid for re-election, although if elected he would have probably been forced to resign soon anyway.   So two words that comedy writers won’t be getting for Christmas – “Senator Palin.”

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Approval ratings and the debate

October 8, 2008

President Bush and his administration have seen their approval rating hit new lows, along with that of both Republican and Democrats in Congress.  In fact, the only team exceeding expectations in Washington is the Redskins.

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Amazingly after almost two years of this presidential campaign, millions of Americans still claim to be undecided.  And aren’t these the same people who always seem to be in front of you in line at Starbucks?

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Despite his 22 years of Senate experience, John McCain sought to portray Barack Obama, with his four years in the Senate, as being responsible for the mess in this country.  Isn’t that like Al Davis blaming Lane Kiffin for the Oakland Raiders?

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During the Presidential debate, at one point John McCain talked about “gold-plated Cadillac” insurance policies that pay for hair transplants.  Oops, who gave him one of Sarah Palin’s debate index cards?

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And some commentators thought John McCain was being condescending by referring to Barack Obama as “that one.”  Nope, McCain wasn’t being condescending, he just couldn’t remember Obama’s name.

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Since all four division series ended in four games or less, Tuesday night was the first night since the All-Star break that fans couldn’t watch Major League Baseball.  To which Washington Nationals’ fans said “Welcome to the club.”

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Performance enchancing?

September 2, 2008

Apparently two hurdlers on the 2008 Jamaican Olympic track team received shipments of performance-enhancing drugs. 

But to give the athletes the benefit of the doubt, just because you receive something doesn’t mean you use it.   For example, President Bush receives daily intelligence briefings.

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Republican delegates to the National Convention largely praised President Bush.  Though I suppose some passengers still praised the Captain while they were in lifeboats from the Titanic.

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Isn’t calling for change at the Republican convention a little like calling the cops because of loud music… when the party’s at your house?

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