Posted tagged ‘octuplets jokes’

If 48 is old…

June 17, 2009

 Apparently British singing sensation Susan Boyle may appear on “American’s Got Talent.” 

Judge Piers Morgan said she absolutely would appear “If she’s up for it and she is well enough.”   He added, ” She still gets a bit tired sometimes, but she is 48.”

Well, heck, would hate to put an older person under that kind of stress.  Good thing that until August 4, 2009,  Barack Obama is 47.

For the San Francisco Giants, Tim Lincecum, Matt Cain and Randy Johnson are a combined 21-7.  The rest of the pitching staff are 13 -23.    Which means the team’s slogan could be “Tim, Matt and Randy, then have vodka handy.”

Sammy Sosa became the latest player whose name was leaked as testing positive for steroids.   In an ESPN poll, two percent of respondents said they were shocked. Didn’t know that many people lived on the North Side of Chicago.

Actually, Sammy Sosa’s first home run of his career was off Roger Clemens.  So while the purists rewrite the record books, here’s a question – Do two asterisks cancel each other out? 

And if a “clean” hitter had a home run against a juiced pitcher, should it count double?  Ditto should a “clean” pitcher get extra credit for striking out a juiced hitter?    The mind boggles.

Apparently some company has made a new solar powered vibrator.  Will their motto be “shine and rise?”

The latest controversy surrounding Nayda Suleman, that the website photographers she is using have not obtained the proper child labor permits.    Yeah, what’s wrong with this picture?  The state requires permits to video the octuplets, but not to have them in the first place.

 

British Airways has made a suggestion to employees:  To help the airline through a difficult time, work for up to a month without pay.  Coming soon to a drink cart near you – the flight attendant tip jar.

Semi-State of the Union…

February 25, 2009

President Obama’s first speech to Congress was notably different from his predecesor’s in many respects.

For starters, no need for English subtitles.


Nancy Pelosi appeared to be doing her best to be a role model for tough economic times. Or that would explain an outfit that looked like it came from the sale rack at the dollar store.

(yeah, yeah, I know women are held to a higher standard and that joke is catty. But I’m a Democrat and a woman so I’ll make it anyway.)


President Obama’s speech lasted 50 minutes. Or as Joe Biden would call it “a few introductory remarks.”

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The Washington Nationals signed 16 year old Esmailyn Gonzalez in 2006. Turns out his name is Carlos Alvarez Daniel Lugo, and he is four years older than they thought.

Well, at least he’s one guy who can truly say he matured in the off-season.


Random thought. How come the scent of an expensive perfume can fade in a few hours…but the smell of burnt popcorn is forever?


Monkey business

After a chimpanzee critically injured his owner’s friend and was shot to death last week, the House passed a bill to make it illegal to transport primates across state lines for use as pets. The vote was 323 to 95.

Not that what happened to that poor woman – and chimp – wasn’t awful. But in the midst of an economic meltdown, this is what we get passed with bipartisan agreement?


Octuplet mom Nayda Shulman claims she is writing a book about childcare.

Isn’t that like Bill Clinton writing a book about fidelity?

Isn’t that like Joe Biden writing a book about brevity?


Or – Nayda Shulman is writing a book about childcare. Who could possibly consider her a sane role model on the subject? Other than Michael Jackson.

Losing Super Bowl quarterback, Kurt Warner, 37, wants a raise from the Arizona Cardinals from $4 million last year, to about $14 million this year. In his defense, Warner claims he’s worried about soon having to live on Social Security.

Website for the octuplets?

February 12, 2009

Nadya Suleman, the mother of those in-vitro octuplets, has now got a website for people to donate money to help her take care of her now fourteen children.

What’s the site’s title? “Supportanutjob.com?”


With all the struggles President Obama is having with a stimulus package, maybe an easy start would just be to have Michelle buy one new outfit a day, and post her picture in it on a website.

(Could in all seriousness jumpstart the clothing business)


In these uncertain times, many Americans find themselves looking around for something stable. And yes, despite all the other changes in this world the past year, Brett Favre is still retiring.

New toast in Green Bay – may your troubles last as long as Brett Favre’s retirements.


Wells Fargo has been criticized for their plans to take executives on a junket to Las Vegas. In the bank’s defence, the blackjack tables might have been a better bet than some of their subprime mortgages.


Basically many banks seem to have thrown millions and millions of dollars around casually, with little oversight or concern for results. Who did they think they were, the New York Yankees?

In Mexico, Blockbuster Video was giving soccer fans voodoo dolls that were likenesses of American players before the two national teams met in a World Cup qualifier. To no avail. The U.S. shut out Mexico 2-0.

But come on, if voodoo really worked, wouldn’t the New Orleans Saints have won a Super Bowl or two by now?