Numbers game.

Posted September 19, 2016 by left coast sports babe
Categories: baseball jokes, football jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized

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The NY Mets have started selling Tim Tebow #15 jerseys. Well, as if anyone wondered what $ome of the rea$on$ are that the Met$ $igned him?

 

Number of times #SFGiants have lost w/ lead in 9th- 9. Number of times #SFGiants have won when trailing in 9th- 0. #2016seasoninanutshell

 

Shame of it all, tonight’s blown save wasted a great pitching performance from #Madbum, not to mention a run scored on an infield hit, stolen base, error & wild pitch. #SFGiants offensive explosion!

A #LADodgers fan friend asked me who I thought was the #SFGiants MVP. Told him the #Dodgers MVP should be #Casilla. (or maybe they should just vote a playoff share to the entire bullpen?”)

 

Apparently a second bomb didn’t go off in Manhattan because thieves stole the suitcase in which it was placed, and accidentally disabled the device. #GodBlessNewYorkers.

Washington coach Jay Gruden “We have total faith that Kirk (Cousins) will get it done, and he will get it done.” Translation, we haven’t found a team willing to trade us any better option.

 

Donald Trump, whose arm must be really tired for all the pats he gives himself on the back, boasted “I should be a newscaster because I called it (the NY explosion being a bomb) before the news.”
Who says there’s no bipartisan agreement in this country? I would be just fine with Trump being a newscaster, after Nov. 8. When he has nothing better to do.

As of today, Ivanka Trump is getting Secret Service protection. Wait. What? Why would the Donald risk his precious daughter?. Because surely Trump’s own personal security staff is the greatest, bestest security ever.

It’s a free country. So while Colin Kaepernick has a right to protest, Americans have a right to be upset at him. But I hope some of those same Americans are also upset about Terence Crutcher

Would @realDonaldTrump explain how profiling all #Muslims helps w/ millions of law-abiding Muslims who now do assist and support police?

Now, who the heck knows what really turns someone into a potential terrorist. But the family of alleged NY bombing suspect Ahmad Rahami had sued the city of Elizabeth, NJ, arguing that they were targeted by the city, police and their neighbors because they were Muslim.
Not that Trump’s plan to get police to profile all Muslims will make anyone else angry….

 

NY GOP Rep. Lee Zeldin today, after Ahmad Rahami’s arrest today, tweeted out “Suspect in custody. You are welcome Colin Kaepernick” #WTF? Is Zeldin angling for a job in a potential Trump administration?

Reports from Politico & the Guardian are that George H.W. Bush told Kathleen Kennedy Townsend he’s “voting for Hillary.” Looks like the really smart Bush was always Poppy.

Note to Donald Trump, now THIS is a Presidential response: “I think it is important to remember what terrorists and violent extremists are trying to do. They are trying to hurt innocent people, but they also want to inspire fear in all of us, and disrupt the way we live to undermine our values “We all have a role to play as citizens in making sure that we don’t succumb to that fear. And there is no better example of that than the people of New York and New Jersey.”
Folks around here, you know, they don’t get scared. They are tough, they are resilient, they go about their business every single day. And that kind of toughness and resoluteness and a recognition that neither individuals nor organizations like ISIL can ultimately undermine our way of life, that’s the kind of strength that makes me so proud to be an American.” #DamnIwillmissObama

 

 

Blooming something?

Posted September 18, 2016 by left coast sports babe
Categories: baseball jokes, football jokes, Uncategorized

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Inspired by an anonymous friend. Several people were trapped last night in an Outback Steakhouse after the Chelsea explosion. Must have been horrifying. Almost as horrifying as being in New York City and choosing to eat at Outback Steakhouse.

 

 

Washington CB Josh Norman was upset after being drug tested after today’s loss to Dallas. He has a point, who would ever think based on the Redskins’ play that they use PEDs?

Well, at least the #SFGiants didn’t have another blown save today. #smallmercies

 

Roger Goodell today “As I’ve said before, I truly respect our players wanting to speak out and change the community. We don’t live in a perfect society. We want them to use that voice.”
So does the NFL actually have a conscience? Or is Goodell counting $$$ from extra Kaepernick jersey sales?

ESPN reporting that that the NFL is admitting to 16 missed calls against the Jaguars in their loss against the Packers last week. 16? You’d think if the league have time and money to do that much analysis, they’d have time and money for full time officials.

New Orleans Saints have lost two games by a total of 4 points. Three words. “Moral victories suck.”

 

If the #SFGiants just miss the playoffs will the video of the 2016 season be titled “Groundhog Day?” #Casilla #Bochy

 

Another piece of my childhood gone. So, long, Farewell.   Charmian Carr, Liesl, in “The Sound of Music” has passed away. She was 73 going on 74.

Fortunately no fatalities other than the alleged attacker in the Minnesota mall stabbings. But do all these folks who think 2nd amendment rights trump all ever consider fewer restrictions also would make it even easier for nut jobs to get guns?

Mike Pence today said Dick Cheney is his VP role model. Does this mean Donald Trump has told his running mate that if elected, Trump will let Pence actually run the country for him?

Clinton after New York explosion “I think it’s always wiser to wait until you have information before making conclusions, because we are just in the beginning stages of trying to determine what happened.”. Trump “Nobody knows what’s going on. But boy are we living in a time – we better get very tough, folks.”. Right. Because why should facts matter with a good narrative?

One of the scariest things about Donald Trump is you just know he is rooting for a terrorist act on U.S. soil in October.

News and not news.

Posted September 18, 2016 by left coast sports babe
Categories: Uncategorized

Nine blown saves for Santiago Casilla now with SF Giants. At this point shouldn’t the headline only be when he actually gets the save?

“Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results” #SFGiants #Bochy #Casilla

 

Missing those un-PC days when you could count on the #Stanford band to do a tasteful half-time show on the #USC rape case #LSJUMB

#Stanford would like to congratulate #Cal for upholding #Pac12 pride tonight. But for this year’s #BigGame, bet the over.

Cal beat Texas 50-43.  Afterwards the Longhorns’ defensive coordinator declined to speak to the press. Which was okay as most of the media didn’t figure Texas HAD a defensive coordinator.

Cal did get away with RB Vic Enwere dropping  the ball before the goal line because he thought he had scored a clinching  TD.  I realize higher math is not a Golden Bear priority but maybe it might be good to teach all the team to count to 100.

Jim Harbaugh said playing catch with Tom Brady before the UM Colorado game was “a thrill” and “That ball almost catches itself the way he throws it.” Wonder if Harbaugh thought of adding “and that ball felt a little softer than I remembered from my playing days.”

Nothing certain these days but death, taxes & the fact any explosion or mass shooting instantly blamed by some on one demographic. #Chelsea

 

While the media obsesses about Hillary’s emails, a leaked Colin Powell email confirms what Israel has never publicly admitted, that they have “200 nukes all targeted on Tehran” But hey, IOKIYR

Donald Trump’s new campaign theme is a take off of “‘Les Misérables”- “Les Deplorables” -with “Do You Hear the People Sing’ as a sort of anthem. Wrong on so many levels but for starters, with the attacks in the last year, Trump would probably ban immigration from France since it’s a nation “compromised’ by terrorism.

Barack Obama at the Congressional Black Caucus” ‘I’ve got an extra spring in my step tonight. I don’t know about you guys, but I am so relieved the whole birther thing is over. I mean, ISIL, North Korea, poverty, climate change – none of those things weighed on my mind like the validity of my birth certificate. With just 120 days to go we got that thing resolved. In other breaking news the world is round and not flat.’
#IamgoingtomissthisPresident

Let’s play two in the field of dreams.

Posted September 17, 2016 by left coast sports babe
Categories: Uncategorized

 

W P “Bill” William Kinsella has passed away. Hoping there’s a doubleheader in heaven’s cornfields tomorrow.

 

#SFGiants have scored more runs in 3 innings against #Cardinals than they did in 3 games against #Padres. #Nowtheyrejusttoyingwithus.

The #SFGiants have scored 14 runs in 2 games after manager Bruce Bochy cancelled batting practice. So much for “practice makes perfect.”

The Buffalo #Bills have fired offensive coordinator #GregRoman. Because nothing, EVER, is #RexRyan‘s fault.

It took #JimmyFallon to make #MattLauer look like a real journalist again. #Trump #TonightShow

Donald Trump this morning. “Hillary Clinton and her campaign in 2008 started the birther controversy. I finished it,” This is apparently what happens sometimes when you are dealing with a older man who not only lies but has no concept of the U.S. collective memory known as the internet.

So now Iowa Rep. Steve King is accusing Colin Kaerpernick of being influenced by his fiancee Nessa Diab and… “I understand that he has an Islamic girlfriend that is his fiancée, and that this has changed him and has taken on some different political views along the way, This is activism that’s sympathetic to ISIS.’
We’re going to need a bigger basket.

 

Roger Goodell – #NFL to commit $100 mill to research into player health and safety. Funding to be paid from player uniform and other fines.

Remember those innocent days when the worst thing Democrats and moderates feared was another #Bush in the White House?

It’s called “projection.” @realDonaldTrump, look it up. #birtherism

So how long until @realDonaldTrump starts railing about “precious bodily fluids?”

Bull Durham had it right – “The world is made for those who aren’t cursed with self-awareness.” This tweet from Donald Jr. yesterday “The new aristocrats are in DC. They steal, lie, and take from hardworking Americans. Clinton part of the ruling class. Trump for the people.”

 

Ohio governor John Kasich today was asked on CNN “is it still possible that you could support Donald Trump?” He replied.
“It’s very unlikely Too much water under the bridge.”
So will Trump call his pal Chris Christie for advice on how to close one of those Ohio bridges?

 

And now Trump, railing against Hillary Clinton and gun control,
“I think her bodyguards should drop all weapons. Disarm immediately, Take their guns away, let’s see what happens to her.”

When this election is over, so may be the future of political satire – it just cannot top reality.

Pay for view bonanza?

Posted September 16, 2016 by left coast sports babe
Categories: Uncategorized

And regarding Trump’s claim that he would be the “healthiest” President ever…. who but me would love Obama to challenge him to a game of pickup basketball?

 

Psychologists say that intermittent reinforcement is the best way to keep rats and people blindly doing what they were doing. Hence, the #SFGiants with their 2016 roller-coaster are keeping and creating fans for life,

In North Carolina, GOP spokeswoman Kami Mueller decried the NCAA’s decision to move championship games from the state. “Under the NCAA’s logic, colleges should make cheerleaders and football players share bathrooms, showers and hotel rooms.”
And a lot of football players are going “I’m in.”

The University of Arizona football team has dismissed RB Orlando Bradford after he was arrested and charged with 7 felony counts following an alleged domestic violence incident. Bradford was the team’s #2 running back last season. Too soon to start a pool on which ACC or SEC team will decide he deserves a second chance?

The U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission today recalled Samsung Galaxy Note 7 smartphones. Will they claim the decision was made with flaming speed?

Wells Fargo is blaming their whole fraudulent account scheme on “staff.”. I think I like “pushed into a lifeboat” better.

 

A man in New York City who was unhappy about his car being “booted” was shot today after he allegedly attacked an off-duty cop with a meat cleaver, #Ifonlyhewasarmed

MLB suspended Padres GM A.J. Preller for 30 days after ESPN reported the team was keeping two separate files of medical information on their players: one for industry consumption and the other for the Padres’ internal use.
Hmm, maybe for those 30 days Preller will be offered a position with a presidential campaign.

Rev. Faith Green Timmons, of the Bethel United Methodist Church, interrupting the Donald today in the midst of an attack on Hillary Clinton. “Mr. Trump, I invited you here to thank us for what we’ve done in Flint, not give a political speech,”
Hmm, Rev. Timmons has more cojones than Matt Lauer.

 

 

Donald Trump has promised he would return the economy to the days of 4% growth. Hmm, the last time we had 4% growth, a Clinton was in the White House.

The CDC announced today that kissing chickens is bad for your health. Hope that didn’t upset too many people’s weekend plans.

WTF moment of the day. Trump asked if he now believes President Obama was born in the US ““I’ll answer that question at the right time. I just don’t want to answer it yet.”
Because he doesn’t want to lose the votes of his birther supporters?

Ivanka Trump accused an interviewer of “too much negativity” and cut the interview short after she was reminded of a comment of her father’s in 2004, that pregnancy is “a wonderful thing for the woman, it’s a wonderful thing for the husband, it’s certainly an inconvenience for a business.”
Sounds like the skin on the apple is as thin as the bark on the tree she fell not very far from.

From Bill Littlejohn “A report is that Ronaldo has more social media followers than anyone in the world but Taylor Swift.  “Social media followers?”  Heck, Taylor Swift has more ex-boyfriends than Ronaldo has social media followers……

He should have said “there’s an election?”

Posted September 14, 2016 by left coast sports babe
Categories: baseball jokes, football jokes, GOP jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, texas jokes, Uncategorized

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Steph Curry was asked as part of a longer interview who he was supporting for President. He simply answered “Hillary” and moved on. And some people are actually complaining that athletes shouldn’t get involved in politics? #Onewordistoomany? #WTF?

Another #Padres pitcher coming in with an ERA of around 6. And of course the #SFGiants scored one run.  At some point the team should charge a fee for giving all these pitchers the best outing of their careers.

 

If by chance the #SFGiants stagger into the playoffs, no one will accuse them of peaking too soon in September.

Hillary Clinton had to cancel San Francisco fundraisers early this week over her pneumonia. Shame. She could have used that “basket of deplorables” line to great effect about the SF Giants bullpen.

(or in some cases,  like today, their hitters.)

 

Major league baseball has announced their 2017 schedule, with both the Twins and Red Sox opening at home April 3. Too soon to bet on which game is most likely to be snowed out?

Several Washington State players have been arrested this year, and coach Mike Leach, formerly at Texas Tech,  is blaming the police and media for unfairly focusing on football players. Toto, we’re not in Texas any more….

In New York, an assemblyman who fatally shot himself last week won his primary today. So voters not paying attention? Or voters deciding that a dead man could do less damage than the live alternative?

 

In Austria, an 18-year-old girl is suing her parents because she said the Facebook pictures they posted of her as a child have made her life miserable. Ah, for the good old days when your parents could only embarrass you with scrapbooks.

 

Proving it’s not just U.S. airports and airlines who are fond of euphemisms – a travel agent bulletin says the runway at Aberdeen Airport in Scotland is currently out of service, due to a technical issue.”
The issue, they discovered an actual hole in the runway.

Mike Pence this week refused to call David Duke “deplorable.” Just one question for Governor Pence, who WOULD he call deplorable?

Last year, Donald Trump was listed as 6’2″ and 198 pounds. Today he told Dr. Oz he was 6’3″ and 236 pounds. Time for a congressional investigation?

So @realDonaldTrump says he “feels as good as when I was 30.” If any 70 year-old really believes that, he’s too delusional to be President.

Hillary Clinton today released detailed medical information. The report said she has “mild, non-contagious bacterial” pneumonia. It also has details about blood cholesterol levels, allergies, her annual mammogram, etc.
Wonder how long before Donald Trump announces again he is the very healthiest but he won’t release his records because we just wouldn’t understand.

Donald Trump has said “I will end forever the use of the H-1B as a cheap labor program, and institute an absolute requirement to hire American workers for every visa and immigration program. No exceptions.”
Today, Melania Trump tweeted a letter from her lawyer defending her immigration status. The lawyer said Melania told him she “remained in the United States on five one-year H-1B visas before obtaining a green card,”
#Youcantmakethisstuffup

Times they are a changin’

Posted September 13, 2016 by left coast sports babe
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized

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Vin Scully said today he won’t broadcast the postseason so that his last game will be the Dodgers-Giants in SF Oct. 2. So maybe he has less faith in how LA will do in the playoffs than even Giants fans.

So it’s only one game, but wonder if #LosAngeles is thinking of suing #StLouis under the “Lemon Law.” #Rams #49ers

Trent Dilfer said before MNF that Colin Kaepernick had caused “friction” that had “torn at the fabric of the team” by becoming the “center of attention.”
Uh, looking at the 49ers-Rams final score guessing a lot of NFL teams will be trying to figure out how to tear fabric this week in practice

So while we are into conspiracy theories, what about the possibility of a #TrumpBodyDouble. Would explain that inhuman shade of orange and some of the wild statements- especially if the body double was a giant Furby.

Just when you think you’ve heard every airline excuse under the sun, and the moon, now I have a client on a delayed United flight in Denver because “they dented the plane with a baggage loader.”

After reports of phantom donations, House Democrats now seeking a Justice Department investigation of Trump Foundation, #sauceforthegoose

Donald Trump, attacking Hillary Clinton for her “basket of deplorables” line: “You can’t lead this nation if you have such a low opinion of its citizens.” Can a statement have an asterisk?

 

A 21 year-old California man in Hawaii decided to make an illegal, nearly 200 ft jump off Kauai’s Wailua Falls. He was knocked unconscious, had to be rescued by other tourists, and called it ‘spiritual’, I call it ‘Almost a Darwin.” #misseditbythatmuch

The U.S. Census Bureau said median income in the US rose over 5% to $56,516, the first increase since 2007. #IblameObama

Edward Snowden says now he thinks President Obama should pardon him, saying his actions “may seem unlawful in letters on a page but when we look at them morally, when we look at them ethically, and when we look at the results, it seems obvious that these were necessary things.”
And then does Snowden expect Obama will bring him home from Russia on a flying pig?

The Presidential election is distracting us from interesting state contests, but Lousiana’s Senate race deserves more attention. Not only is David Duke running, but a new book out “Murder on the Bayou” has allegations against one candidate, Rep. Charles Boustany, that prompted this verbatim statement from fellow candidate GOP Treasurer John Kennedy:
“I want to be very clear that my campaign played absolutely no role in creating this story alleging Congressman Boustany’s sexual relationships with prostitutes that were later murdered, his staff’s alleged involvement in running the bar and hotel where this illicit behavior took place, or publishing the book,”
#nottheOnion #Youcantmakethisstuffup