Posted tagged ‘jokes about Schwarzenegger’s baby’

Oh baby.

May 18, 2011

 Pakistan’s leaders are still facing allegations that they had to know about Bin Laden’s presence, which they deny. Their rejoinder today? “Hey, no one in your goverment and or even your media knew about Schwarzenegger’s ‘love child.'”

It turns out Arnold Schwarzenegger’s youngest sons – by different women – were born days apart – September 28 and October 2, 1997. You know, some men keep busy in January by watching football and maybe skiiing.

But come on folks, everyone can’t believe why Arnold went to his relatively plain looking housekeeper for sex when he was a big celebrity married to a beautiful woman. In the words of Maureen Dowd when the Clinton-Monica story broke – “Men are lazy, they go for the closest doughnut on the plate.”

Some say the reason there is no male birth control pill is that it’s too expensive.  Although as Arnold can no doubt tell  us, so is the alternative…

The happiest people in Los Angeles right now about Schwarzenegger’s love-child? The Lakers and Frank McCourt. At least temporarily they’re not the most embarrassing stories in town.

And somewhere, Tiger Woods is thinking, it could be worse….

From my friend Ben Pesta,  who said his friend Laurie Werner, of New York, wrote: “On June 10th, it’s ‘Jorge Posada figurine night’ at the Stadium. Guess he has to stay in the lineup until then.” I answered that they should put the figurine in the lineup; it’s hitting better ….”

Speaking of which, the Giants’ Mark DeRosa is on the DL. Which means for the next two weeks he’ll get as many hits as he got the last two weeks.

More cheers than boos when Cody Ross hit a 3-run home run in the top of the ninth at Dodger Stadium. Of course, it’s the ninth inning, there are more Giants fans left than Dodgers fans.

Minnesota Timberwolves president David Kahn, who commented about the NBA lottery being fixed, now says he was joking and it was “simply fate” that the Cavaliers got the first pick. He made this statement after commissioner David Stern said if he didn’t take it back, the league would make sure the Timberwolves NEVER got a good pick.

Possible knucklehead comment of the week in a crowded field -from Rick Santorum: John McCain “doesn’t understand how enhanced interrogation works.”

On the other hand, count on Sir Charles (Charles Barkley) for a direct statement regarding gay athletes: “It bothers me when I hear these reporters and jocks get on TV and say: ‘Oh, no guy can come out in a team sport. These guys would go crazy.’ First of all, quit telling me what I think. I’d rather have a gay guy who can play than a straight guy who can’t play.”

(I’m thinking right about now Kobe Bryant might have gone for a whole bench of gay players instead of his teammates in round two.)

If the world is really going to end on May 21, does that mean that no one should skip dessert on the 20th?

The Father of Cali-foh-nee-yah?

May 18, 2011

A reminder that it’s always darkest before the dawn. Just think how many comedy writers were crying yesterday when Trump dropped out of the race because of all the lost material. Thank you Arnold.

Could it be that Schwarzenegger was taking the idea about changing the “born in the U.S” rule for the Presidency seriously?    Was Arnold just trying to show he could be the Father of our Country?

Or while Schwarzengger’s defense be that he was just trying to fit in with being a Kennedy?

Well, now we know why Arnold wasn’t one of those Republicans who came out trying to cut off funding for Planned Parenthood.

Donald and Arnold both are making headlines this week. Trump because he pulled out early, Schwarzenegger, oh come on, I don’t even need to finish this line….

First Meg Whitman, now Arnold Schwarzenegger. Is it some sort of requirement for Republicans who want to be governor of California that you have to screw your maid?

Over-under on how long it will take Gloria Allred to call a press conference with Arnold’s baby-mama?

And poor  Donald Trump. He must have thought that his withdrawal from the Presidential race would at least dominate the political-late night news cycle for 24 hours….

While Donald Trump has left the Presidential race, it’s not from lack of confidence. As he said “I maintain the strong conviction that if I were to run, I would be able to win the primary and, ultimately, the general election.” Even Cubs fans are saying “This guy is delusional.”

Wisconsin congressman Paul Ryan, who wants to change Medicare to an insurance subsidy, says he will not run for the U.S. Senate seat being vacated by retiring Democrat Herb Kohl. Ryan stated on his website that he “can have a bigger impact by remaining in his current position.” Translation, even he knows he doesn’t have a prayer of winning.

Financial disclosures show Newt Gringrich and/or his latest wife at one point owed as much as a half million dollars to Tiffany’s. Hey, as Newt will no doubt tell us, all the results of that passionate patriotism could get expensive.

Mitt Romney has a new campaign video, and it features actress-model Cindy Crawford. Wait, wasn’t Mitt supposed to be the substantive one?

Reader Berney reports from British Columbia that there were so many rainouts in the U.S. today that Canadians were subjected to watching the Yankees.  Yeah, Berney, welcome to the American world.