Posted tagged ‘Jessica Simpson jokes’

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Hits and no hits.

August 11, 2009

At a recent Nationals-Diamondbacks game, a violinist played the National Anthem on a violin made from a bat. The crowd went wild. Nats and Dbacks fans are thrilled to see ANYONE do something useful with a bat.

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For any frustrated San Francisco fans reading this, the same joke works to substitute Giants too.

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Manny Ramirez has not been quite as effective since since he returned from his 50 game drug suspension. A Dodgers source attributes it to his being hit on the hand recently. Sure, not like it could be anything else.

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The long-haired flaky and often illogical Los Angeles slugger has indicated he is a little frustrated with his post-suspension performance. But apparently if this baseball thing doesn’t work out Manny thinks he has a chance to replace Paula on American Idol.
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Britney Spears won a lifetime achievement award at the Teen Choice awards. Mostly because at this point it’s an achievement that she’s still alive.

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The U.S. may have finally come up with a way to get Osama bin Laden. Trade him to the Mets. He’ll be out of commission in no time.

Jessica Simpson was in Japan during a magnitude 6.6 quake that hit early Tuesday morning. She tweeted. “Thought I was hallucinating.” Actually, Jessica, it’s not an either/or question.
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Actually the quake might have been more powerful, but there are rumors Jessica distracted it.

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From Alex Kaseberg, wish I had written this.

Chicago Blackhawks star, Patrick Kane, was arrested for beating a Buffalo cab driver because he didn’t have 20 cents change for Kane. Kane brings an entirely new and ugly meaning to cheapskate.
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The bear necessities?

July 30, 2009

BearVault, a San Diego-based company that builds complex containers for campers to keep their food safe from bears, may have met its match. One small female bear now known as “Yellow-Yellow” in the Adironack region of New York has now graduated from opening the company’s childproof medicine bottle type lid, to its most complicated model.

The bear can now open a canister that requires pressing one tab, then turning the lid then pressing another tab. A system that even some humans have problems using.

As to the bear’s name, “Yellow-yellow,” it refers to her tags.” For some reason researchers changed it from her original cute cub name, “Jessica Simpson.”

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It’s July 30, Do you know if Brett Favre is still retired.

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Some in Massachusetts are saying that instead of the Bud Light, Coors, and Red Stripe favored by President Obama, Sergeant Crowley and Professor Gates respectively, that the President should have served Boston’s local Sam Adams beer at their White House meeting.

Yeah, what could sent a greater message of peace than an beer named after the man who may have helped provoke the Boston Massacre and certainly instigated the Boston Tea Party?

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Budweiser defended their inclusion in the White House “Beer Let’s Not Bash.” Apparently as suggested by Bill Littlejohn, they even brewed a special beer for the President, titled “Bud Light-en Up.”
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The San Francisco Giants pitching staff recorded their major league leading fourteenth shutout Wednesday. Which is doubly impressive considering they never got to pitch against their own team.

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Commie Pinko alert on this joke.

Fox commentator Glenn Beck said that he “believes” President Obama is a racist. The network’s V.P. of programming immediately disavowed the statement, saying that the Fox News Channel doesn’t know Obama is a racist, but they definitely do know he was born in Kenya.

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