Posted tagged ‘George W. Bush’

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That Bush highlight video

January 28, 2009

Apparently on George W. Bush’s flight back to Texas, they played a highlight video of his presidency. Or that was the explanation for the blank screen when the plane’s projector went out.

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On the way back to Texas, staff travelling with George W. Bush showed a video of accomplishments from his presidency. For curious Americans, that video will be sold in a boxed set, along with a video of Cubs’ World Series highlights.

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A Wisconsin court just ruled that cheerleading is a contact sport. And that was just based on scenes after the tryouts.

or

A Wisconsin court just ruled that cheerleading is a contact sport. And that was just the mothers at the tryouts.

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President Obama has moved swiftly to ban torture. Does this mean Disney will have to close their Small World ride?

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Sarah Palin has now created a new political action committee – SarahPac. I don’t know about you…but doesn’t SarahPac sound like something overpriced in the handbag department at Neiman Marcus?

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A Stanford law school graduate has pled guilty to tax evasion, Apparently she did not file tax returns for her escort service, which was simply a front for her work as a high-price call girl. Escort services around California now worry that their businesses may get a bad reputation – customers will think they are full of lawyers.

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So Citigroup was planning on using some of our bailout money to purchase a new $50 million corporate jet.

Where’s a flock of Canadian Geese when you need them?

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What’s in a oath?

January 22, 2009

After Chief Justice Roberts flubbed the word “faithfully” during the Presidential oath, President Obama retook the oath Wednesday.

Bill Clinton called to offer Obama support, saying he too had had a problem with that “faithfully” part.

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Barack Obama has already changed the White House, eliminating George W. Bush’s policy of “jackets required.” And of course Bill Clinton’s policy of “pants not required.”

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Michelle Obama gave Laura Bush a parting gift of a journal and inscribed pen. George W. Bush was so touched, he decided to give the Obama girls a book and some of his favorite crayons.

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The journal was inscribed with a quote from Louis L’Amour – “There will come a time when you believe everything is finished. Yet that will be the beginning.” George W. said, “Cool, I get it….extra innings.”

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PETA would like Michael Vick to undergo psychiatric evaluation before he returns to the NFL. Presumably the first sanity test question – how would you feel about playing for the Detroit Lions?
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From Carey Schwartz, my son: Jeff Kent has retired. Presumably he wants to spend more time washing his truck.

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President Obama hit the ground running on his first day, hoping to usher in a new era of competence. But for Washingtonians who aren’t quite ready for that, there’s still the Wizards.

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How big was Obama’s inauguration? It was an event of such Olympic proportions that NBC almost tape-delayed it on the West Coast.

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R.I.P. Ricardo Montalban..

January 15, 2009

Ricardo Montalban died this week at the age of 88. I suppose his seat in heaven will be upholstered in “fine Corinthian leather.”

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Montalban was best known to American audiences for his starring role in the 1970s series “Fantasy Island.” Of course, these days, the fantasy would be the plane actually showing up.

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Or

Curiously enough there was talk of bringing the “Fantasy Island” series back, and having it sponsored by JetBlue. But then someone informed JetBlue that “da plane” would actually have to take off…

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Tacky alert.

The porn industry is now also asking for a bailout. Which might sound ridiculous, although at least they can say they are the only industry where most Americans enjoy seeing workers get screwed.

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President Bush’s approval ratings have risen in the last week or so from about 29 to 34 percent. That five percent includes some hard-core Republicans but mostly folks who just realize how boring late-night monologues will be without him.

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Quizzing Hillary?

January 13, 2009

Apparently confirmation hearings for Hillary Clinton as secretary of state will involve questioning her about Bill. Well, sure who better to know what’s really going on in Bill’s Clinton’s life than Hillary?

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George W. Bush once again defended his presidency today, especially regarding Katrina and the credit markets. But lets be real, in eight years the only time he’s really noticed anything under water was watching Michael Phelps.

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George W. Bush and Dick Cheney actually are claiming that they have strengthened the Presidency.

Right, just like…

Sarah Palin and her family have strengthened the abstinence movement.

Al Davis has strengthened the Oakland Raiders.

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George W. Bush and Dick Cheney say they have strengthened the institution of the presidency. Even Cubs fans say these guys are delusional.

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There’s gambling in Las Vegas? I’m shocked, shocked…

Fox Sports is planning a series of one-hour shows on the NCAA men’s basketball tournament featuring Bob Knight and Billy Packer. The shows will be taped at the race and sports book in the Wynn hotel. But former CBS sportscaster Packer said the shows will be about analyzing the games and won’t mention gambling.

Does that mean we can expect a show analyzing the NFL playoffs featuring Plaxico Burress and Pacman Jones to be taped at a nightclub?

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Thanking President Bush…?

December 28, 2008

Sunday morning current secretary of state Condoleezza Rice said that people will soon “start to thank this president for what he’s done.”

Well, there’s a good chance they will thank him for what he will do on January 20.

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Condoleezza Rice also said that she didn’t feel the President had damaged America’s standing in the world.  Of course, she  might be just a bit out of touch these days.  Someone mentioned the Detroit Lions’ historic season and Condi said she was sure the President would be calling them with congratulations.

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Actually, when you think about it, the Detroit Lions might be the most appropriate team for President Bush to invite to his White House.

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Over in Hawaii, Barack Obama – along with most people on the island of Oahu – was without electricity for over 12 hours.   This was not unprecedented; although  the last time a president-elect found himself without power was when George W.  had his first post-election meeting with Dick Cheney.

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The New England Patriots completed an excellent 11-5 season, looked like one of the strongest teams in the NFL down the stretch,  and still found themselves shut out of the playoffs.   Which means they won’t get a call from the President and a visit to the White House.  But they may get an invitation from the new Secretary of State.

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Coca Cola received a warning letter from the FDA.  Apparently their “Diet Coke Plus” doesn’t have enough added nutrients to merit its label, which says “Diet Coke with Vitamins and Minerals.”    They have thus been ordered to revise the label.    Coca Cola is planning to appeal but if they lose they will just slap a sticker on the label, use it for regular Coke, and call it “Diet Coke with Sugar.”

The FDA also advised Coca Cola that “it is inappropriate to add extra nutrients to snack foods such as carbonated beverages.”

Yeah, good to see the FDA looking out for our health.  Extra caffeine, fine, extra sugar, fine, extra fat in chips and cookies, fine,….just none of those scary “extra nutrients.”

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A winter storm knocked out power to over 400,000 households in Michigan.  On the bright side, this meant none of them had to watch the Lions.

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Bowling for Roses…?

November 23, 2008

So Penn State is heading to the Rose Bowl “presented by Citi.”   Although this is the 95th time the game will take place,  the first Rose Bowl was actually in 1902.    Which was ironically the rookie year coaching for Joe Paterno.

The Rose Bowl is referred to as the “grandaddy of them all.”    Though Paterno says, “Hey, that’s MY title.”

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Many fans didn’t think the 82 year old Paterno would make it coaching through the year.  Ironically it now seems likely he will be viable longer than Citi. 

 

George W. Bush still has almost two months in office. Then he can go back to Texas, and bankrupting just one company at a time.

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As one of his last acts in office, President Bush is trying to remove species from the Endangered Species Act.  Though he is doing his best to add the Republican Party.

In the meantime, he is cleaning out the White House library – “The Military for dummies,” “The Economy for dummies,” “The Environment for dummies..”

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But everyone’s writing books when they leave Washington –  Laura Bush, Condoleezza Rice, the President himself.  Even Dick Cheney said he thinks he’ll take a shot at it.

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Flying to your bailout hearing in a private jet?

November 20, 2008

Executives from Ford, GM and Chrysler apparently flew to their bailout hearings in their own private jets?

Isn’t this like Bill Clinton needing a character reference on his vetting statement, and using Monica Lewinsky?

Or maybe more like it…

Isn’t this like Ted Stevens being convicted on felony counts for taking illegal gifts, being tossed out of the Senate, and asking if he can take his office furniture home?

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The new Dallas Cowboys stadium beat out several other applicants, including Ford Field, to be the site of the 2014 NCAA Men’s Basketball ball Final Four.  Detroit backers were particularly disappointed;  they feel they have so much experience in hosting amateur sporting events with the Lions.

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While awaiting a  transplant, a 14 year old girl survived almost 4 months in a hospital with out a heart.   Dick Cheney asked “And your point is…?”

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Notre Dame, despite being headed towards a five loss season (if they split games with Syracuse and USC)  is still getting interest from the New Year’s Day Cotton and Gator bowls.

If they are invited, it would be the first time either of these bowls includes a team with five losses.   But clearly the potential audience overweighs any real merit or record.

In related news, Sarah Palin is reportedly close to signing a $7 million book contract. 

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Sarah Palin is reportedly close to signing a $7 million book contract.  Upon hearing the news, President Bush said, for that much money, I’ll read one too.

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Basketball and other late nights.

November 19, 2008

ESPN kicked off, or I should say tipped off, its men’s college basketball season coverage with a 14 game marathon starting at midnight.  Unsuspecting fans were shocked to turn on the television at that hour and see basketball, they thought the only live games at midnight were the baseball playoffs.

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The New York Yankees are opening their new stadium next year with exhibition games against the Chicago Cubs.  Why the Cubs?  The Yankees wanted an opponent who wouldn’t learn anything about the stadium they could use in a potential World Series.

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President Bush has been inviting several champion sports teams, including most recently the U.S. Ryder Cup winners, to the White House during his last months in office.  But given George W’s own record, wouldn’t a more appropriate team to invite be the 1-7 Washington Wizards?

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University of Michigan coach Rich Rodriguez has told fans to “get a life” after reading some negative personal comments on message boards.   And certainly it’s wrong to attack a coach personally just because of a lousy season.  But a tip for Coach Rodriguez.  When you’re 3-8 with a school record for football losses, maybe it’s not a good idea to be reading message boards. 

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Senator Ted Stevens has now lost his bid for re-election, although if elected he would have probably been forced to resign soon anyway.   So two words that comedy writers won’t be getting for Christmas – “Senator Palin.”

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Monday thoughts…

November 18, 2008

A USA Today ad on Monday touted “Make millions by buying bad loans.” 

Yeah, we’ve already learned how to do that.  Start with billions.

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Barack Obama has been busy meeting with old rivals and possibly offering some of them key positions in his admininstrations. But for those those who think he might sell out completely, the President-elect from Chicago’s South Side has announced he will never ever root for the Cubs.

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And Obama said on 60 minutes that he was serious about a college football playoff and was willing to “throw his weight around a little” to do it.  When he talked about sitting down with dictators without preconditions, who knew he was including the BCS?

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President Bush invited the Ryder Cup team members to the White House and told them he had he avidly followed “every minute” of their play.

Well, yeah, not like he had anything else to do this September

 

The Canadian Football League’s Grey Cup championship is Sunday, November 23.  It will only be televised to limited viewers in the U.S.  Apparently the media doesn’t feel that Americans will be that interested in a game between two perceived mediocre small market teams.

As opposed to say, this week’s Monday night football game between the Cleveland Browns and Buffalo Bills.

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in Monday Night Football, the Bills had a chance to win the game, but a 47 yard field goal attempt missed by going too far to the right.   Which might have also been how John McCain lost the election.

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The president’s writing a book!!

November 12, 2008

George W. Bush says he will be writing a book after he leaves the White House.  Aides told the President that he will probably need a ghost-writer.

Bush’s purported response:  Can we get Casper?

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If the book gets published George W.  may go into the record books – as the first President to write a book before he reads one.

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Back to sports:

Tim Lincecum of the San Francisco Giants won the Cy Young award Tuesday.  He says he hopes to celebrate with a new car.  Once he gets his learner’s permit.

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A Chicago writer was the only voter to leave Lincecum off the ballot.  What, did he accidentally vote for Barack Obama?

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President Bush said in an interview that he has said some things that he regrets saying.  Of course, what most Americans regret hearing him say was:

“I do solemnly swear that I will faithfully execute the office of President of the United States, and will to the best of my ability, preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States.”

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Change we can believe in.

November 11, 2008

“Change” is indeed the word for this fall.  The Tampa Bay Rays made it to the World Series, the Arizona Cardinals have a four game lead in their division, and the U.S. elected a black president. 

Fans of the status quo, however, will be relieved to see the L.A. Clippers are off to another 1-6 start.  

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Barack Obama met George W. Bush today for his White House tour and moving-in orientation.   Finally, a home eviction Americans can feel good about. 

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Barack Obama visited his future residence for the first time Monday.  Actually the White House is not that different from many homes in America  – its value has decreased under the current occupant.

 

There’s real change in the vice-presidency too.  We’re going from a guy who recklessly shoots off his gun, to a guy who recklessly shoots off his mouth.

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But for those who fear that the relatively young Obama might be a reckless president, here’s a reassuring thought on his pragmatism – he’s from Chicago, and he’s NOT a Cubs fan.

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After the election…

November 6, 2008

It should be at least a few weeks before the first candidates declare for 2012.

 

One day after the election, Barack Obama is working on his transition team.  And Joe Biden is just finishing delivering his VP acceptance speech.

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Sarah Palin said she doesn’t believe she cost John Palin a single vote.  Well, Obama may have won most of the swing states, but Palin certainly owns the state of denial.

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After the election there were plenty of phone calls.  George W.  Bush and Dick Cheney called John McCain to offer condolences.  And Bill Clinton called Sarah Palin to offer to buy her lunch.

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After the end of the baseball season Manny Ramirez said he wanted a big longterm contract, saying  “I want to see who is the highest bidder. Gas is up and so am I,”

Yeah, proving exactly why smart teams won’t sign him to a long term contract…

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There are reports that Major League Baseball agents are scrambling to sign their clients’ big contracts before January 1,  when President-Elect Obama’s expected tax increases will hit multi-millionaires.   

So who knew, they may not make the playoffs, but the Yankees could at least help pay off our national debt.

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And voters in San Francisco overwhelmingly rejected a measure that would have renamed a local sewage plant after George W. Bush.  Of course, San Franciscans being San Franciscans, no word as to whether they thought the renaming would be unfair to the president,  or to the sewage plant.

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After Halloween…

November 1, 2008

President Bush enjoyed Halloween.  But with the election approaching Tuesday, he’s waiting for the Republican National Committee to tell him he can take the mask off.

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The University of Michigan is paying almost $2 million to new coach Rich Rodriguez, in addition to a $2.5 million payment to West Virginia to buy out his old contract.    For that money, the coach has led the team to a 2-7 record.

Well, at least the school will be able to count on saving the contract’s $50,000 to $200,000 bowl bonus.

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Over four million in a year for a 2-7 record?   Are we sure he isn’t coaching the Lions?

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Although speaking of the Detroit Lions, who are actually 0-7, they have reportedly agreed to a two year contract with Daunte Culpepper.  Guess he gave up hope of signing with an NFL team.

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Barack Obama and John McCain will both be interviewed during halftime on Monday Night Football.  Ralph Nader was also looking for an appropriate game for an interview, but the Bengals and Lions don’t play each other this season.

Barack Obama is coming to Cincinnati on November 2.  Which may be the town’s only chance this fall of seeing a winner on Sunday.

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Hell freezes over…

October 18, 2008

…The Chicago Tribune for the first time in its 150 year history has endorsed a Democrat for president.

Add one more thing to the list of miracles that have happened  before the Cubs winning another World Series.

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Sarah Palin was campaigning in Ohio today, continuing her talk about “pro-America” places.  To be fair, she thought about visiting “amateur-America,” but the Bengals were having a closed practice.

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It started with “Joe Millionaire.”  Now we have “Joe Six-Pack” and “Joe the Plumber.”  If America doesn’t get over its fascination with these “average Joes” we someday could end up with “Joe President.”

Oops, never mind.

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And this weekend at the box office the reigning powerhouse “Beverly Hills Chihuahua” will take on “W.”    One’s a funny movie about being cute, spoiled and pampered, until you end up in a place where you are confused, lost and over your head.     The other’s about a talking dog.

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