Posted tagged ‘Detroit Lions’

Not gay enough?

April 22, 2010

A San Francisco Gay Softball team was stripped of its second place finish in a tournament after three of their members were determined to be “non-gay.” (The maximum per team is two.)

How did the tournament organizers come to this decision? The men were wearing last year’s cleats.


Regarding those men “outed” as not gay enough. Apparently other teams became suspicious when the players didn’t rush back to their hotels to see “Dancing with the Stars.”


The Big Ten, trying to become dominant in the BCS, is considering expanding by adding an unspecified number of teams. No word as to which midwestern teams the conference is considering, but presumably a logical fit would be the Detroit Lions.


The San Francisco Giants have scored six runs in their last four games. Meanwhile, hitting .346 at Fresno – Buster Posey. No comment.


Sharon Osbourne says she will have her breast implants removed, and give them to her husband Ozzy to use as paper weights. If Pamela Anderson ever decides to remarry she can have the same operation, and give her implants to her fiance to use as boat anchors.


7-11 has now come out with their own brand of beer, called “Game Day.” What, was “Cat Pee” already trademarked?

Yet another thought on Ben Roethlisberger. While I have some sympathy for his 20 year old accuser, maybe in future if she wants to hang around with drunken 20 year frat boys, she should stick to CHRONOLOGICAL drunken 20 year old frat boys.


Part of Roethlisberger’s punishment is to undergo a “comprehensive behavioral evaluation by professionals.” Apparently Goddell turned down Ben’s offer to do community service with college youth groups.

A British bus driver was suspended after being a passenger photographed him actually reading a paperback book while driving.
Teenagers aboard the bus were reputedly especially shocked – he was reading when he could have been texting?

Poor Jeb Bush

January 6, 2009

Who has announced he will not run for Senate in 2010, saying “now is not the time.”   Just his luck to be the Lisa Simpson of American politics.

Barack Obama ran afoul of Senator Dianne Feinstein for not consulting with her about his choice of Leon Panetta for CIA Director.   Apparently somewhere along the way the Presidential appointment process has become a game of  “Mother, May I?”

Lebron James’ incessant whining over his travelling call against the Wizards?

“Crab drivel.”

 You might have made a New Year’s resolution to get a life and focus a little less on sports, if….. you were really looking forward to tonight’s GMAC  bowl  between Tulsa and Ball State.  (and you aren’t an alum of either school.)

Actually GMAC Bowl might be aptly named.   A little late – January 6! – with a product most Americans really weren’t that interested in… (Wonder if next year they will rename it the Bailout Bowl?)

A very funny writer and football fan, Hartley Miller, pointed out to me that USC is the only major conference team undefeated on Saturdays.  (Their loss to Oregon State was Thursday, September 25.)

Although as I thought of – alas, hours later – the 2008 Detroit Lions were undefeated on Tuesdays.

How did Sarah Palin’s grandson get named?

December 30, 2008

One possible scenario?     Doctors tell self-described party guy and f***ing redneck Levi Johnson he has a son.  His response:  That’s a trip.

The Detroit Lions today fired coach Rod Marinelli after the team’s historic 0-16 season.  Actually, wouldn’t a worse punishment have been to make him coach another year?

Why patience is a virtue.  Just think of all those magazines, columns and blogs who had their stories about “the ten most embarrassing political stories of 2008” written by the first week in December.

(Blagojevich was arrested December 9.)

Tom Cable has let it be known that he would love to have the term “interim” taken off his head coaching position with the Oakland Raiders.  But to be fair, shouldn’t ALL Raiders’ coaches be titled “interim coaches.?”

Thanking President Bush…?

December 28, 2008

Sunday morning current secretary of state Condoleezza Rice said that people will soon “start to thank this president for what he’s done.”

Well, there’s a good chance they will thank him for what he will do on January 20.

Condoleezza Rice also said that she didn’t feel the President had damaged America’s standing in the world.  Of course, she  might be just a bit out of touch these days.  Someone mentioned the Detroit Lions’ historic season and Condi said she was sure the President would be calling them with congratulations.

Actually, when you think about it, the Detroit Lions might be the most appropriate team for President Bush to invite to his White House.

Over in Hawaii, Barack Obama – along with most people on the island of Oahu – was without electricity for over 12 hours.   This was not unprecedented; although  the last time a president-elect found himself without power was when George W.  had his first post-election meeting with Dick Cheney.

The New England Patriots completed an excellent 11-5 season, looked like one of the strongest teams in the NFL down the stretch,  and still found themselves shut out of the playoffs.   Which means they won’t get a call from the President and a visit to the White House.  But they may get an invitation from the new Secretary of State.

Coca Cola received a warning letter from the FDA.  Apparently their “Diet Coke Plus” doesn’t have enough added nutrients to merit its label, which says “Diet Coke with Vitamins and Minerals.”    They have thus been ordered to revise the label.    Coca Cola is planning to appeal but if they lose they will just slap a sticker on the label, use it for regular Coke, and call it “Diet Coke with Sugar.”

The FDA also advised Coca Cola that “it is inappropriate to add extra nutrients to snack foods such as carbonated beverages.”

Yeah, good to see the FDA looking out for our health.  Extra caffeine, fine, extra sugar, fine, extra fat in chips and cookies, fine,….just none of those scary “extra nutrients.”

A winter storm knocked out power to over 400,000 households in Michigan.  On the bright side, this meant none of them had to watch the Lions.

Post turkey…

November 28, 2008

Edna Parker, the world’s oldest woman , died this week at the age of 115.   Apparently she had been heartbroken about that  “nice young man” John McCain losing the presidency..

 

The NFL featured three games on Thanksgiving.  Eagles fans are thankful Donovan McNabb is back, Cowboys fans are thankful to see their team’s hot streak continue, and Lions fans are thankful there are only four weeks left in the season.
 

The  Olympic modern pentathlon” will now be reduced to four events.  And President Bush said “Well, I’m glad they finally got that right.”


The White House accidentally sent out Hanukkah cards with Christmas trees and wreathes on them.  It could be worse, President Bush had originally wanted them to read “Happy Passover.”


Mets fans are not thrilled with the name of their new stadium, which is scheduled to be known as Citi Field.    Some just think it is inappropriate, others think that any bailout should have included thee Mets bullpen.

Monday mourning quarterbacking?

November 25, 2008

How quiet did it get at LP Field in Nashville as the Titans saw their perfect season end?    Quieter than the evening Amtrak train to Wilmington with Joe Biden now living in Washington.

How bad is the season going for the Detroit Lions?  The team season highlights DVD will feature their bye week.

Eddie Jordan was fired as the Washington Wizards coach after the team got off to a 1-10 start.  What does it say about this country that we can fire a lousy coach after a month,  but for a lousy president we have to wait four years?

And “24” kicked off the 2009 season with a 2 hour special teaser to hold fans until January.  In the first season, they featured a black President. This new season will feature a woman president.  

Wonder if Hillary Clinton suggested the episode title?   “Redemption.”

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Ford Motor Company led the insurance industry’s safest car list this week.  Well, it makes sense, cars are certainly safe if no one is driving them.

And kudos to Florida State safety Myron Rolles, who won a Rhodes scholarship to study in Oxford.  Normally when FSU Seminoles players hear the term “Rhodes scholars,” they think it refers to picking up trash in orange jumpsuits on the highway.

Looking ahead…

November 24, 2008

So the Tennessee Titans are perfect no more, after a loss to the NY Jets. Wonder if they were looking ahead to their Thanksgiving day matchup with the Lions.

Some wonder why Hillary Clinton is apparently going to accept the Secretary of State position with Barack Obama.  Well, for starters, he’s likely to treat her better than the last Democratic president.

Many pundits have commented on how many very competent people Barack Obama is choosing for his adminstration.  But for Washington fans of incompetence, don’t worry, there’s still the Wizards and the Nationals.

The 1-10 Wizards have already had so many bad losses this year that some are thinking of renaming them the Washington Republicans.

The Italian Finance Minister claims that Pope Benedict XVI was the first to predict the collapse of the stock markets in a paper he wrote in 1985.  Of course, economists have only  predicted about 10 market collapses since then.

President Bush says he’s a fan of the environment but I’m not sure he gets it.  When he heard that the Volkswagen Jetta was picked the “Green Car of the Year,”  he responded, but “Yeah, but I’ve heard the Prius is the best environmental blue colored one.”

According to ESPN, Adam “Pacman” Jones is “finally down to his last chance.”  Any more missteps and he will be sentenced to play for the Detroit Lions.

An early Thanksgiving…

November 22, 2008

Many men and teenage boys in America are giving thanks early.  Most weekend shows of “Twilight” are sold out.

On Thanksgiving Day itself, the NFL’s featured game will be between the now perfect Titans and the perfectly awful Lions.  Guess it’s the league’s way of making sure all their fans get a Thanksgiving Turkey.

The woeful Washington Wizards fell to 1-8 to open the NBA season.  On a brighter note, they’ve just been declared honorary members of the Bush administration.

Backup University of Florida quarterback Cameron Newton was arrested and charged with stealing another student’s laptop.   He is the second Gator to be arrested this year.  Who do they think they are, the FSU Seminoles?

The stock market finished another tumultuous week.  Most Americans haven’t seen numbers fall this fast since President Bush’s approval ratings.

A woman gave birth earlier this week on a Finnair flight.  Good thing she was flying Finnair and not an American carrier.  Upon landing they would have probably charged her an extra child’s fare.

Or-  from my funny friend  Alex Kaseberg – when her water broke TSA  might have arrested her for bringing on more than three ounces of liquid.

Lions and Bengals and Bears, oh my…

November 16, 2008

As the Lions continued their quest for a perfect season by losing a tenth game in the row….

The CIncinnati Bengals played a true stinker of a game, and still ended up tying the Philadelphia Eagles 13-13 after neither team could score in overtime.  

But really, tying the Cincinnati Bengals?  Isn’t that like french kissing your sister?

Or getting drunk, trying to kiss your sister, and kissing your brother-in-law?

And Sunday on 60 Minutes, Barack Obama reiterated his call for a playoff system for the top college teams.  Was there a hometown bias?    Based on their earlier 37-3 loss to the Green Bay Packers, the Chicago Bears might just qualify.

And as we start thinking about the inaugural:

In 1841, William Henry Harrison gave the longest inauguration speech in history, almost two hours, in bitter cold weather.  He caught pneumonia and died a month later.  Well, it’s a good thing that there is no inaugural speech for the Vice President. 

Mike Huckabee is getting his own show on Fox News.  Not to be outdone, Sarah Palin will be getting her own show too: “Northern Overexposure.”

It’s not too early to think about the playoffs..

November 13, 2008

The NFL has announced lower playoff ticket prices for this year.  Yet another attempted economic stimulus that won’t trickle down to Detroit.

Apparently the average ticket price will be down 10 percent from last year.   Except in Arizona, where Cardinal fans are still saying “So what ARE these things called playoff tickets?”

Sarah Palin continues the blame game for her and John McCain’s loss last week -everyone from the media, to staffers, to being muzzled, to Bush’s policies…  Any day now she’ll complain that they might have won if voters weren’t influenced by Simon, Randy and Paula.

And President-elect Obama is already beginning his efforts to put together an administation that will help ailing industries.   Although for comedy writers, he’s already chosen Joe Biden.  

John McCain made his first campaign appearance on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno.  Well, where else could he have gone for more sympathy after having lost a job to a younger, less experienced man? 

 

And finally, an incredibly tacky joke:   Don’t read if you are easily offended.

Barack Obama chatted this week with Bill Clinton.  At one point Obama asked the former president about living with a dog in the White House.  Clinton replied, it’s not so bad, you have interns.

Only 45 non-shopping days?

November 10, 2008

Yes, it is officially only 45 days until Christmas, which many retailers fear may be the worst in recent memory.  Especially now that the Republican National Committee is no longer shopping for Sarah Palin.

One real problem facing the new President-elect will be Detroit.     Barack Obama says he has hopes of working out a plan to save GM and Ford, but realistically there’s nothing he can do about the Lions.

Speaking of football, there’s one silver lining for the offensively challenged Oakland Raiders this season.  No fines for touchdown celebrations.

Although the team does plan a big celebration if they ever score one.

With all the rumors about former Democratic presidential candidates ending up in an Obama administration, one name is notably absent – John  Edwards.

Though based on his haircuts and recent personal history he might well apply for a job as either director of Pentagon procurement, or being in charge of hiring interns.

President Bush was a little confused about the meeting with Obama on Monday.  When an aide referred to Barack as the new “President-elect” he responded “You mean you have to get elected?”

After Halloween…

November 1, 2008

President Bush enjoyed Halloween.  But with the election approaching Tuesday, he’s waiting for the Republican National Committee to tell him he can take the mask off.

The University of Michigan is paying almost $2 million to new coach Rich Rodriguez, in addition to a $2.5 million payment to West Virginia to buy out his old contract.    For that money, the coach has led the team to a 2-7 record.

Well, at least the school will be able to count on saving the contract’s $50,000 to $200,000 bowl bonus.

Over four million in a year for a 2-7 record?   Are we sure he isn’t coaching the Lions?

Although speaking of the Detroit Lions, who are actually 0-7, they have reportedly agreed to a two year contract with Daunte Culpepper.  Guess he gave up hope of signing with an NFL team.

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Barack Obama and John McCain will both be interviewed during halftime on Monday Night Football.  Ralph Nader was also looking for an appropriate game for an interview, but the Bengals and Lions don’t play each other this season.

Barack Obama is coming to Cincinnati on November 2.  Which may be the town’s only chance this fall of seeing a winner on Sunday.