Posted tagged ‘Barack Obama’

Embarrassing?

November 16, 2008

A questionnaire for applicants for one of 8,000 jobs in the Obama administration asks about anything potentially embarrassing you may ever have said, done, or posted, including on blogs, MySpace, and Facebook. 

Forget 8,000 jobs, with those criteria they might be lucky enough to find that many people who could attend his inaugural.


And those who do pass the criteria will certainly be over 50.


A new benefit for the baby boomer generation: being lucky enough to grow up during a time where every stupid thing you did in college and high school was likely only witnessed by contemporaries who couldn’t remember it well either.

Another sign you need to get a life post-election:  (And hey, I resemble this remark.)

You get dressed in the morning and feel naked without your Obama button.


The University of Michigan paid a total over $4 million to get coach Rich Rodriguez away from West Virginia University.  Now,  with a 3-8 record, Michigan boosters wonder, how much do they have to pay for West Virginia to take him back?

The New York Yankees are prepared to make a record offer to pitcher  C.C. Sabathia for 2009.   With the added inducement of no recent record to live up to in the playoffs.

And kudos again to the University of Cincinnati Bearcats, who will move into the college football top 20 after knocking off Louisville Friday night and are almost certainly headed to post-season play.

To which Bengals fans ask – what’s post season play?

Comebacks?

November 14, 2008

Michael Vick’s lawyer says that the former quarterback wants to return to the NFL when he is released from prison.   Vick is at least hoping to be paroled to the equivalent of a halfway house – like the Lions or 49ers.

Hillary Clinton is apparently being considered for the job of Secretary of State.   At first she was leery of the idea, and Obama reportedly told her, “I understand, it’s a lot of travel, you won’t see your spouse for weeks at a time,” and which point Hillary interjected “I’m in.”

The New York Jets beat the New England Patriots on Thursday night football, a win that would have been unimaginable back when Tom Brady was healthy and Brett Favre was just learning the Jets offense.   But this just proves the old saw “Age and treachery will overcome youth and an ACL.”

The recount in Alaska is swinging back and forth between convicted felon and incumbent Ted Stevens and his Democratic Senate challenger Mark Begich.  Although if Stevens wins, he is likely to resign.  And reportedly Sarah Palin will run for his seat.

Wonder if she remembers saying the Vice President is in charge of the Senate?

Though if she does win, Joe Biden has to be telling himself, “I got out of there just in time…”

Congratulations to Tim Lincecum, the San Francisco Giants’ baby-faced and pint-sized 24 year old fireballer, who won the Cy Young award for the best pitcher in the National League.  Lincecum compiled 18 wins, the most strikeouts, and the second best ERA in the league. And amazingly, he did it without the benefit of pitching against the Giants’ hitters.

On the other end of the spectrum, 45 year old Randy Johnson filed for free agency after he failed to come to terms with the Arizona Diamondbacks.   Apparently the D’backs were hoping Johnson would give the team a senior discount.

 

From my funny friend Bill Littlejohn:

“The Cubs acquired closer Kevin Gregg from the Marlins, meaning that Kerry Wood likely won’t be back.The Cubs, however, plan to retire Wood’s spot on the disabled list”

 

It’s not too early to think about the playoffs..

November 13, 2008

The NFL has announced lower playoff ticket prices for this year.  Yet another attempted economic stimulus that won’t trickle down to Detroit.

Apparently the average ticket price will be down 10 percent from last year.   Except in Arizona, where Cardinal fans are still saying “So what ARE these things called playoff tickets?”

Sarah Palin continues the blame game for her and John McCain’s loss last week -everyone from the media, to staffers, to being muzzled, to Bush’s policies…  Any day now she’ll complain that they might have won if voters weren’t influenced by Simon, Randy and Paula.

And President-elect Obama is already beginning his efforts to put together an administation that will help ailing industries.   Although for comedy writers, he’s already chosen Joe Biden.  

John McCain made his first campaign appearance on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno.  Well, where else could he have gone for more sympathy after having lost a job to a younger, less experienced man? 

 

And finally, an incredibly tacky joke:   Don’t read if you are easily offended.

Barack Obama chatted this week with Bill Clinton.  At one point Obama asked the former president about living with a dog in the White House.  Clinton replied, it’s not so bad, you have interns.

The president’s writing a book!!

November 12, 2008

George W. Bush says he will be writing a book after he leaves the White House.  Aides told the President that he will probably need a ghost-writer.

Bush’s purported response:  Can we get Casper?

If the book gets published George W.  may go into the record books – as the first President to write a book before he reads one.

Back to sports:

Tim Lincecum of the San Francisco Giants won the Cy Young award Tuesday.  He says he hopes to celebrate with a new car.  Once he gets his learner’s permit.

A Chicago writer was the only voter to leave Lincecum off the ballot.  What, did he accidentally vote for Barack Obama?

President Bush said in an interview that he has said some things that he regrets saying.  Of course, what most Americans regret hearing him say was:

“I do solemnly swear that I will faithfully execute the office of President of the United States, and will to the best of my ability, preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States.”

Change we can believe in.

November 11, 2008

“Change” is indeed the word for this fall.  The Tampa Bay Rays made it to the World Series, the Arizona Cardinals have a four game lead in their division, and the U.S. elected a black president. 

Fans of the status quo, however, will be relieved to see the L.A. Clippers are off to another 1-6 start.  

Barack Obama met George W. Bush today for his White House tour and moving-in orientation.   Finally, a home eviction Americans can feel good about. 

Barack Obama visited his future residence for the first time Monday.  Actually the White House is not that different from many homes in America  – its value has decreased under the current occupant.

 

There’s real change in the vice-presidency too.  We’re going from a guy who recklessly shoots off his gun, to a guy who recklessly shoots off his mouth.

But for those who fear that the relatively young Obama might be a reckless president, here’s a reassuring thought on his pragmatism – he’s from Chicago, and he’s NOT a Cubs fan.

Only 45 non-shopping days?

November 10, 2008

Yes, it is officially only 45 days until Christmas, which many retailers fear may be the worst in recent memory.  Especially now that the Republican National Committee is no longer shopping for Sarah Palin.

One real problem facing the new President-elect will be Detroit.     Barack Obama says he has hopes of working out a plan to save GM and Ford, but realistically there’s nothing he can do about the Lions.

Speaking of football, there’s one silver lining for the offensively challenged Oakland Raiders this season.  No fines for touchdown celebrations.

Although the team does plan a big celebration if they ever score one.

With all the rumors about former Democratic presidential candidates ending up in an Obama administration, one name is notably absent – John  Edwards.

Though based on his haircuts and recent personal history he might well apply for a job as either director of Pentagon procurement, or being in charge of hiring interns.

President Bush was a little confused about the meeting with Obama on Monday.  When an aide referred to Barack as the new “President-elect” he responded “You mean you have to get elected?”

Celebrating Obama’s election…

November 8, 2008

It seems like much of the world is celebrating the election of Barack Obama as President of the United States.  Including especially many of the commuters on Amtrak from Wilmington to Washington DC.  Finally, they are going to get some peace and quiet. 

(see bottom of this post if that doesn’t make sense.)

Despite many people’s worries the election seems to have gone relatively smoothly.  With few computer problems or allegations of tampering.

But all is not lost for conspiracy theorists – there’s still the BCS.

Barack Obama said on Monday Night Football that he thought we should have a college football playoff system.  Had he only added “and we should re-regulate the airlines”, he would have really won in a landslide.

To increase their revenue, Boston Red Sox are adding 560 new seats next year to Fenway Park.  And not to be outdone, while they bid for Manny Ramirez the Dodgers are adding seats too.  They will be sold for after the seventh inning only, and will be located in the parking lot.

Sam Perry has become a celebrity after Oprah cried on his shoulder Tuesday night and the pictures went out on worldwide television.  Just as well that the scene was televised.  Can you imagine coming home? “Yes, honey, it’s makeup, but it’s not what you think…really, it was Oprah.”

(oh, and regarding the commuters to Wilmington.  Joe Biden has been a regular commuter on that train.)

Turning over the same old Leaf…

November 7, 2008

Ryan Leaf was placed on “administrative leave” from his job as an assistant quarterback coach at West Texas A & M over drug allegations,  ten years after he was the number two choice in the NFL draft.

Yep, he’s right on track for a future career in “Celebrity boxing.”

All of a sudden, Peyton Manning’s 4-4 start with the Indianapolis Colts doesn’t look so bad. (Manning was drafted number one in the 1998 draft, Leaf was number two.)

The Los Angeles Dodgers have offered a hefty two-year contract to Manny Ramirez, but may end up being outbid.  Hey, times are tough, especially when you only get concession revenues from the third to the seventh inning.

On election night, Oprah ended up crying on the shoulder of a stranger, who turned out to be an Obama volunteer from California.   Sam Perry, aka Mr. Man, said he didn’t mind a bit, after all as a Democrat he was used to women crying on election night.

John McCain’s staff denied there were any bad feelings late in the campaign between the Senator and Governor Palin.  They also denied that McCain had had any “buyer’s remorse’ about the pick.   In fact, one aide said that John had even suggested Sarah go hunting with Dick Cheney.

The Denver Broncos defeated the Cleveland Browns, in “Thursday Night Football.”  Or, as the NFL refers to its new scheduling policy: “If we can find a night we think you will watch we’re playing a game.”

And once again, the Oakland Raiders home game Sunday will be blacked out in the San Francisco because the team didn’t sell enough tickets.  Is this really the right strategy.  Maybe the threat should be, if you don’t buy tickets, we’ll black out the alternate game between two real teams.

And after Barack Obama’s historic win, Americans stockpiled newspapers Wednesday morning to save for their grandchildren.  Who will probably ask someday “What’s a newspaper?”

After the election…

November 6, 2008

It should be at least a few weeks before the first candidates declare for 2012.

 

One day after the election, Barack Obama is working on his transition team.  And Joe Biden is just finishing delivering his VP acceptance speech.

Sarah Palin said she doesn’t believe she cost John Palin a single vote.  Well, Obama may have won most of the swing states, but Palin certainly owns the state of denial.

After the election there were plenty of phone calls.  George W.  Bush and Dick Cheney called John McCain to offer condolences.  And Bill Clinton called Sarah Palin to offer to buy her lunch.

After the end of the baseball season Manny Ramirez said he wanted a big longterm contract, saying  “I want to see who is the highest bidder. Gas is up and so am I,”

Yeah, proving exactly why smart teams won’t sign him to a long term contract…

_

There are reports that Major League Baseball agents are scrambling to sign their clients’ big contracts before January 1,  when President-Elect Obama’s expected tax increases will hit multi-millionaires.   

So who knew, they may not make the playoffs, but the Yankees could at least help pay off our national debt.

And voters in San Francisco overwhelmingly rejected a measure that would have renamed a local sewage plant after George W. Bush.  Of course, San Franciscans being San Franciscans, no word as to whether they thought the renaming would be unfair to the president,  or to the sewage plant.

Monday night football..

November 4, 2008

Pittsburgh Steelers receiver Santonio Holmes returned after being benched for a game after police found marijuana cigars in his car.  he caught three passes for 30 yards including a five yard touchdown pass.   He denied rumors  that the touchdown catch was a “high-five.”

On interviews during the halftime show of Monday Night Football, John McCain said he’d like to get performance-enchancing drugs out of sports.  Barack Obama said he’d just like to see a playoff system in college football.  That settles it – they’re BOTH unrealistic dreamers.

A prankster purporting claiming to be President Sarkovy calling from Paris managed to dupe Sarah Palin into a conversation.  But to be fair, Governor Palin said she hadn’t talked to anyone speaking Parisian before.

 

And finally on election eve.  The Arizona Cardinals are in first place and  the Tennessee Titans are undefeated.  The New York Yankees didn’t make the playoffs, and both the Philadelphia Philles and the Tampa Bay Rays made it to the World Series.    By comparison,  you could have probably gotten better odds on the U.S. electing a black man to be our next president….

Okay, even with negative campaigning there are limits….

November 3, 2008

Someone, apparently an Obama supporter, chartered a plane in Oakland to fly over the stadium with the banner “McCain is a Raiders fan.”

Okay, now this negative campaigning is going too far.

After Baylor barely lost to #14 Missouri in football their coach Art Briles said “It was a very emotional, very draining non-win.”

Well, if he loses his job at Baylor, Briles may have a great future with the Republican party.


The Washington Nationals have announced plans to lower the cost of some tickets in 2009.  This will put their prices more in line with other AAA teams.

 –

Kudos to the San Francisco 49ers.  At least they didn’t embarrass themselves this Sunday with a  bye week.

 

Rewritten joke from yesterday:

Halloween is over and President Bush really enjoyed himself.  Although he was surprised to hear from John McCain about the new tradition of keeping your mask on until November 5.

You have to love American elections.  All this money, time and effort spent on convincing people who aren’t smart enough to have made up their minds until the last minute.


Wouldn’t it be nice to have a V-chip or something similar for early/absentee voters?  Then if you vote, you could get a chip for your television that would mute political ads until after the election….

After Halloween…

November 1, 2008

President Bush enjoyed Halloween.  But with the election approaching Tuesday, he’s waiting for the Republican National Committee to tell him he can take the mask off.

The University of Michigan is paying almost $2 million to new coach Rich Rodriguez, in addition to a $2.5 million payment to West Virginia to buy out his old contract.    For that money, the coach has led the team to a 2-7 record.

Well, at least the school will be able to count on saving the contract’s $50,000 to $200,000 bowl bonus.

Over four million in a year for a 2-7 record?   Are we sure he isn’t coaching the Lions?

Although speaking of the Detroit Lions, who are actually 0-7, they have reportedly agreed to a two year contract with Daunte Culpepper.  Guess he gave up hope of signing with an NFL team.

_

Barack Obama and John McCain will both be interviewed during halftime on Monday Night Football.  Ralph Nader was also looking for an appropriate game for an interview, but the Bengals and Lions don’t play each other this season.

Barack Obama is coming to Cincinnati on November 2.  Which may be the town’s only chance this fall of seeing a winner on Sunday.

That infomercial…

October 30, 2008

Barack Obama’s 30 minute prime-time infomercial was watched by over 36 million people.  It was so popular, in fact, that if this presidency thing doesn’t work out most major networks have offered him his own sitcom.

 –

How low were the ratings for the World Series.   Rumor has it Fox was thinking of pre-empting game six to replay Obama’s infomercial.

As the election approaches, so do all the worries and rumors about voting problems, computer glitches and tainted results.  American sports fans in particular just can’t wait for it to be over.  Then they can get back to real life, like watching college football and following the BCS standings.

 –

 

Mike Singletary, the new coach of the San Francisco 49ers, dropped his pants to make a point during halftime of last week’s loss to the Seahawks.  Well, Singletary may or may not be the right fit for the 49ers, but he has been made an honorary member of the Stanford band.

Congrats to the University of Cincinnati Bearcats football team. Now 6 and 2, they knocked off the 23rd ranked University of South Florida Thursday night on national television.  

The only folks upset in Cincinnati?  Members of the Bengals.  Now they may not even be the best amateur team in town.

And lastly, a joint effort with Bill Littlejohn.

This World Series was the lowest rated in history.  As a result all members of the Phillies have been made honorary members of the Philadelphia Flyers.

Honoring Mr. Blackwell..

October 24, 2008

Mr. Blackwell died this week. In his honor, the Republicans are establishing an award: it’s for spending the most money you can while still looking like you shop at Wal-Mart.

By the way, to any new readers, this is primarily a sports jokes blog, with politics thrown in.    Until November 4, however, it may be the other way around.   And while I will cheerfully attempt jokes about anyone, I am an unabashed supporter of Barack Obama.    (Besides, alas, he’s not that funny.)  For any McCain-Palin fans, I hope you have a sense of humor about it, otherwise check back post-election.  I do promise some Biden jokes.

John McCain accused Barack Obama of recently changing his tax plan while running for President.   As opposed to himself,  who changed his tax plan back when he decided to run for President.

Football coach Rich Rodriguez agreed to terms with the University of Michigan back in January.  But he just finally on Friday signed the six year deal  worth an estimated $2.5 million a year. 

Good thing too, with all those other schools just waiting to steal away a 2 and 5 coach.

 –

After Barry Bonds sat out most of the 2006 season after problems with knee surgery performed by his personal doctor, now comes the news that Tom Brady’s personal surgeon may have botched his knee surgery as well.

Meanwhile, in the NBA, several players have suggested to Kobe Bryant that perhaps he should look beyond the Lakers team physician for a second opinion about HIS knee.

The fall classic…

October 23, 2008

World Series or not, most folks in the Tampa area still aren’t really into their baseball team yet.   In fact, when a local newspaper asked residents what they thought about the Rays,  the most common response – “It’s best to use sunscreen. ” 

How can you tell a  Rays bandwagon fan?

They’re at the game.

How can you tell a Phillies bandwagon fan? 

They actually cheer.

By the way, thanks to reader Mike Bush of Santa Barbara who reminded me that  they are the Tampa Bay Rays, not the Tampa Rays, and that Tampa Bay is not a city.   It’s the Tampa -St. Pete -Clearwater area.    And having just been to the stadium this summer, I know it’s in St. Petersburg.    But Tampa is easier to write. 

Of course, they aren’t the Miami Marlins either.  Or the Denver Rockies.  Or for that matter the Phoenix Diamondbacks.   What is it about expansion teams.  One city’s not enough, they have to claim the whole state?   

The Republican National Committee spent $150,000 on campaign clothes and accessories for Sarah Palin.    $150,000!   For about two months.  Who was selling them the clothes?  Scott Boras?

Actually for as poorly as the campaign is doing in October, you’d expect most of the outfits to have pinstripes. 

In related news, the Obama campaign admitted spending about $50  recently on accessories for Joe Biden.   All on rolls of duct tape.  For his mouth.

And this from Nick Coombs:  Senator John McCain chided Barack Obama for saying nice things about the Rays while having previously said he was rooting for the Phillies.  Actually McCain was disappointed the A’s didn’t make it, he would have loved an all-Philadelphia world series.

October Surprise:

October 22, 2008

Fox has made no secret of their preference for a McCain-Palin victory in November,  But alas, the biggest October surprise has turned out to be a Phillies-Rays World Series.

How old is the ageless Jamie Moyer of the Phillies?  He’s so old he can remember the last time the Phillies won the World Series.

How young are the Phillies and Rays on average?  Even Barack Obama says they’re inexperienced.

Oops.  John McCain slipped up at a campaign rally in referring to the Tampa Bay Devil Rays.  Not the Rays as they have been known this season.  But to be fair, most folks in the Tampa/St. Pete area don’t know about the name change either.

These are heady times for sports fans in the Tampa area.   With the NHL Lightning’s season underway and the Rays in the World Series, for the first time ever in October, they get to ignore two local teams at once.

The New York Yankees and Dallas Cowboys have joined up to form a  company that will provide food, retail and other services at their new stadiums.  And if operations go well, company staff will be free to work for other teams during the postseason.

There is talk of adding a second NHL team maybe by expansion,  in Toronto, Canada, home of the Maple Leafs.  Hasn’t the city suffered enough?

 

(For all you American readers who aren’t hockey fans, the Maple Leafs are the closest thing Canada has to the Cubs.  Much beloved, and they haven’t won a championship in over 40 years.)

California Governor Arnold Schwarenegger, who has been assiduously avoiding the presidential campaign, just announced he will go to Columbus, Ohio on Halloween to campaign for Senator McCain.   This way if anyone sees him, Arnold can pretend to be just another guy in a Terminator mask.   

 

 

From Bill Littlejohn:

“Mr. Blackwell, composer of the annual Worst Dressed List, has passed away at age 86.  A football scholarship to the University of Oregon has been established in his name”

(if you are not a Pac-10 fan this may not make sense until you Google pictures.  If you are, no further explanation needed.)

Late night thoughts…

October 18, 2008

What a weird world we live in, when a presidential candidate apologizes to David Letterman for missing a show, but doesn’t apologize to the American public for missing more votes than anyone else in the Senate.

After weeks of being lampooned by Tina Fey, Sarah Palin showed up in person on Saturday Night Live.  Apparently Joe Biden also inquired about coming to speak on the show sometime,  but NBC informed him that the program only runs for an hour and a half.

Hell freezes over…

October 18, 2008

…The Chicago Tribune for the first time in its 150 year history has endorsed a Democrat for president.

Add one more thing to the list of miracles that have happened  before the Cubs winning another World Series.

Sarah Palin was campaigning in Ohio today, continuing her talk about “pro-America” places.  To be fair, she thought about visiting “amateur-America,” but the Bengals were having a closed practice.

It started with “Joe Millionaire.”  Now we have “Joe Six-Pack” and “Joe the Plumber.”  If America doesn’t get over its fascination with these “average Joes” we someday could end up with “Joe President.”

Oops, never mind.

And this weekend at the box office the reigning powerhouse “Beverly Hills Chihuahua” will take on “W.”    One’s a funny movie about being cute, spoiled and pampered, until you end up in a place where you are confused, lost and over your head.     The other’s about a talking dog.

Only one more debate to go…

October 15, 2008

Finally, something that both Democrats and Republicans can celebrate together.

John McCain’s choice of Sarah Palin as his running mate gave the Republican ticket a quick boost,  but the effects seem to be fading.  Can we call it a “dead moose bounce?”

John McCain is coming up with a new economic plan almost every daily.  Some say the continual change in plans in cynical.  But give the guy a break, maybe he simply can’t remember what plan he prposed yesterday.

Contrary to what John McCain says, Barack Obama is not “measuring the drapes” in the Oval Office.   Joe Biden, however, has been rumored to be trying to get his draft of  his first speech as vice-president under three hours.

The Dodgers are still reeling from their eighth inning meltdown Monday night.   And think of how much worse it would have been if their fans had stayed around to see it.

Sports Illustrated has an online section at SI.com listing their experts’ picks for the World Series.  Excuse me, how many of these “experts” had the Rays anywhere NEAR the World Series?

(let alone the Phillies.)

But before we get too cocky about baseball experts, can we see a show of hands for all those who predicted the last undefeated team in the NFL would be the Tennessee Titans?

Dropping the puck

October 12, 2008

Saturday night Sarah Palin dropped the puck at a Philadelphia Flyers hockey game.   Meanwhile, her running mate John McCain dropped the puck at a shuffleboard game.

Philadelphia fans did not exactly seem thrilled to see Governor Palin.  They greeted her with many thumbs down signs, and loud boos.  Boos that were only equalled by the ones for the Flyers after they gave up 4 goals in the first period.

After forty years, “Hockey Night in Canada” debuted a new theme song- “Canadian Gold.”

In the US, Fox is thinking of debuting a new theme song for the playoffs “Wait til the Midnight Hour.”

Not to say the game 3 starter for the Phillies,  Jamie Moyer, throws REALLY REALLY slowly… But the Dodgers set a pitching machine at his speed during batting practice and the thing stalled.

How slowly do Moyer’s pitches approach the plate?  You almost expect one of them to have its turn signal blinking.

Both Bill and Hillary Clinton will make a joint campaign appearance on behalf of Barack Obama, and then the former President will campaign on his own for Senator Obama.    Just when things were going so well….

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And what a weekend for college football.  So many top teams went down that viewers weren’t sure if they were watching SportsCenter or Wall Street Week.