Left Coast Sports Babe

The New York Times reported that John McCain might have had an affair with a woman 31 years his junior. Guess in case he can’t get all the conservative votes,  McCain is trying to pick up Bill Clinton supporters.  

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And I realize this blog is short on sports jokes recently.  With the NBA and NHL playoffs about two months away, the NFL a nonissue until the draft – well, except on police blotters, March Madness a few weeks way, and spring training just starting up,  there isn’t that much going on in the world of sports.     And so not that much that is funny.

Well, not counting the San Francisco Giants saying they will be competitive this year.

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And of course, anyone in February who has tried to write any comedy, amateur or professional, owes a huge debt of gratitude to Roger Clemens.    His testimony before Congress was truly performance enchancing.

It now appears that Senator Hillary Clinton’s campaign had no real plan at all after Super Tuesday.   Because they thought that she would wrap up the nomination on that date.

So what did they do, circle February 5 on the calendar with the notation “Mission Accomplished?”

So what will Shaquille O’Neal’s role be on the fast paced Phoenix Suns?  Two words come to mind “speed bump.”

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It’s a weird world.  The US Navy can fire a missile and hit a satellite 133 miles away that was going 17,000 mph.  So why can’t NBA players hit their free throws? 

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  David Letterman said that John McCain looks like “the guy at the supermarket who is confused by the automatic doors.”  McCain angrily responded “Yeah right, since when do supermarkets HAVE automatic doors?”

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Roger Clemens withdrew Wednesday from a scheduled appearance at “ESPN. the Weekend,” an event at Walt  Disney World.  What a shame, he would have been a real headliner in Fantasyland.

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Hillary Clinton is running a new ad…The ad ends with a photo of Clinton working at her desk at night. “She understands. She’s worked the night shift, too.”

Well, duh, she had to do something while she waited for Bill to come home.

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And finally a real story from the New York Times:

 “Texas’ odd system of allocating delegates has flummoxed the Clinton campaign. Clinton told reporters over the weekend that her aides were still struggling
to understand how the state operates.

“I’ve got people trying to understand it as we speak,”  she said. “Grown men are crying as we speak. I had no idea it was so bizarre.” 

So her campaign can’t figure out the delegate system in Texas?  And Senator Clinton tells us she can fix healthcare, the economy and the war in Iraq?

So with position players reporting this week, baseball fans can start seriously thinking about spring.  Except in Toronto, where the Leafs are still falling.

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Fidel Castro stepped down as Cuba’s leader this week at the age of 81.  Yep, it took a while but that US embargo finally worked.

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President Bush is visiting Ghana on Wednesday. He’s on an Africa tour that also includes Tanzania, Liberia,  Rwanda, and Benin.   Maybe when he gets back from all those exotic places he’ll feel brave enough to visit San Francisco.  

(Note to non-Californians – W has not been to San Francisco ONCE in two terms.  Closest he got was the airport, which is in Burlingame.)

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And tonight Hillary Clinton unveiled her latest signs –  “Solutions for America.”   At this point she is changing slogans more often than she changes pantsuits.

So Hillary Clinton’s campaign does  not like the term “super delegates. ”  They prefer the term “automatic delegates.”    Just like the New England Patriots thought they were playing in the “automatic bowl.”

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Direct quote from Andy Petitte about HGH:  “I didn’t do it to try to get an edge on anyone. I didn’t do it to try to get stronger or faster or throw harder,  did it because I was told that it might be able to help me.”

 Two thoughts, help him to do what if it wasn’t to get an edge, get stronger faster or throw harder?

And yeah, guess he joins the ranks of pitchers, like Jim Bunning, who plan a post-baseball career in public office.

And NO ONE from the Obama campaign has approved this joke…but anyway…

Some pundits now say that her husband’s campaign performance may have lost Hillary the Democratic nomination.

So, it may have been a while but once again, she joins the club of women who have been screwed by Bill Clinton

So this year’s NBA uniforms had one color on the front, another color on the back.   Which presumably at the post-game parties would confuse the heck out of the witnesses.

The Yogi Berra Museum removed Roger Clemens’ jersey from an exhibit , and the museum director said they were “trying to project the positive virtues of baseball.”

But did they forget what Yogi himself said about the men on the mound.

“All pitchers are liars or crybabies.”

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So last week millions of Americans watched as countless young hopeful people were whittled down to 24.  But besides the number of kids who still believe Clemens, American Idol chose their semifinalists.

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So after changing his mind on the Bush tax cuts, and going back and forth on the issue of whether or not he will accept public funding for the general election, Senator John McCain this week voted AGAINST an anti-torture bill.  No wonder Mitt Romney endorsed him.

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And the NBA has begun a discussion of putting franchises in Europe.  No word on what they will do in the interest of parity, with so many players willing to take salary cuts to play in Amsterdam.

Any truth to the rumor that if Roger Clemens takes the mound in 2008,  his entrance song  will be “When you wish upon a star?”

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Watching Roger being interviewed by congress brings to mind these actual lyrics from Elton John’s Rocket  Man… 

I’m not the man they think i am at home
Oh no no no i’m a rocket man
Rocket man burning out his fuse up here alone

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And Hillary Clinton has sent her daughter Chelsea to Hawaii to campaign this weekend.   Wonder how many hours it took her to convince Bill not to go instead.

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San Francisco manager Bruce Bochy said today his team is going to be one of the best in baseball at executing the fundamentals.  Translation, we still don’t have a cleanup hitter.

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And Kobe Bryant has announced that he has an injured ligament in his pinky finger, but that he will forego surgery and play through it.   Besides, it’s not like the pinky gets that much use…it’s on his passing hand.

So Florida State, perhaps in order to stave off a worse NCAA penalty, put their sports teams on self-imposed probation for two years.  For all those  athletes who haven’t been going to class, that’s one plus one.  

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And Mitt Romney endorsed John McCain today.    Mike Huckabee says that’s fine, he expects Romney’s endorsement tomorrow.

And by the way, isn’t it nice to know that Congress is focusing on issues that are so important to our country…

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Roger Clemens continues to insist he is innocent.  And when he is acquitted of all charges, he is going to help O.J. find the real killer.

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And presumably everyone has seen the looks Roger gave his ex-friend and trainer Brian McNamee…  All I can think of is “Who would have thought a little guy like you could destroy my beautiful wickedness?”

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After her string of recent losses, Hillary Clinton has chosen a new campaign song – “Sympathy for the Devil.”

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Today John McCain voted against an anti-torture bill in the Senate, which means in essence he voted in favor of waterboarding.   The Straight Talk Express has officially become a runaway train.

Okay, the news is not all bad for the Washington Wizards.  Sure, they’ve still lost eight in a row.  But they’ve been designated the official team of the Clinton campaign.

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And more from Washington.  Roger Clemens is apparently getting a warm reception in Congress.    Let’s see,  he’s arrogant, he’s been paid increasing sums of money to work less and less days per year, and he appears to be able to lie with aplomb.   Well, of course they like him, with that kind of record, the man belongs in Congress.   

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In college basketball, Vanderbilt beat Kentucky Tuesday night 93-52.  The last time Kentucky looked that bad, a Union army was involved.

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The Department of Homeland Security is reportedly working on adapting spy satellites for domestic surveillance.  It is reportedly a coincidence that their first satellite will have a Patriots logo.

The Washington Wizards have lost eight in a row.  If
this woeful performance keeps up the team may be
renamed the Washington Congressmen. 

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This just in, Mitt Romney is still out of the presidential race.

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Actually Romney did pick up some wins and
delegates, but for all the millions of dollars he spent, he never
got close to winning it all.   If the ex-Massachusetts governor can’t figure out what he wants to do next there should be a job waiting for him with the New York Yankees.

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Controversial caucuses, primaries, disputed delegates, superdelegates?  Just curious, who came up with this Democratic primary system… the BCS?

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While campaigning in Virginia this week, Hillary
Clinton promised there would be no new scandals
involving her husband, former President Bill Clinton.

And they say Obama’s campaign is a fairy tale?

So the NFC beat the AFC on Sunday in a meaningless game played in beautiful weather.

In other words, just like a typical Miami Dolphins home game.

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With a great game including a late 6 yard touchdown run, rookie Adrian Peterson narrowly won the MVP award – a red Cadillac –  over Terrell Owens.     No confirmation yet on the rumor that a teary eyed T.O. later said “Thats my car, man.”

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Back to politics.  The media reports that many older baby boomers prefer Hillary Clinton over Barack Obama, perhaps because they grew up accustomed to the polarizing politics of the 60s.

If that were true, how come the surviving members of the Grateful Dead reunited for a benefit concert for Obama? 

Of course, it is quite possible that none of them remember the 60s.

Many have questioned Brian McNamee, Roger Clemens’ ex-trainer would have kept all those items from his medical bag – syringes, bloody gauze pads, and drug vials.  When he had already testified under oath that Clemens was guilty of using steroids.  

But presumably he knew – without that kit, they might acquit.

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If Roger keeps up the public statements and denials at his current pace, we may soon be longing for the steroid issue to refocus on someone with the low key dignity of Barry Bonds.

As of today, Saturday Feb 9, Mitt Romney is still out of the presidential race.

And Generalissimo Francisco Franco is still dead.

Okay, what do the Republicans have left?

One candidate who believes that dinosaurs lived in biblical times.

And another candidate who can refute that because he was there.

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And the real reason Hillary loaned her campaign five million dollars?  Bill offered to go recruit some volunteer interns.

Making him a rare Mitt that won’t even hold up until Spring Training. 

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Mitt Romney said today he is getting out of the presidential race.  Which if his campaign to this point is any indication, means he will be back in the race tomorrow.

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 So Shaquille O’Neal says people “are going to be very surprised” about his role in
the team’s running game.

Specifically I suppose that Shaq would have ANY role in a team’s running game.

The Nevada High School football player who said he was duped by a man pretending to be a Division 1 football recruiter now says he made the story up.

The NCAA immediately issued a statement condemning the player’s actions, and saying that integrity was a cornerstone of college football.   They also reiterated that the reason they do not have a  football playoff system is to minimize academic stress for their student-athletes.  

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These next two from guest comic Nicholas Coombs.  (This blog assumes no responsibility for my friends’ good taste, or my own.)

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Final tally from Wednesday’s USA vs. Mexico soccer match.

4 goals
6 Yellow Cards
0 Green Cards

Both of Mexico’s goals came off free kicks. Should we be surprised that they found it so easy to get around US barriers? 
a surprise that Mexico found it so easy to get around America’s walls.

Even if we are entering the black hole of February.

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Happy retirement to Bobby Knight.  Guess he figured it was finally time to throw in the chair.

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A Nevada high school football player said he was duped into  believing he was recruited by a Division I college program.   Wonder how many similar complaints will be lodged against  Notre Dame.

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So Shaquille O’Neal is heading to Phoenix.  Guess at this point he couldn’t take the Heat.

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And okay, it’s still primary season so…

Hillary Clinton is now complaining she is being outspent.  Isn’t this like Bill Belichick complaining he is being spied on?