Posted tagged ‘Bill Clinton’

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Heterosexual with issues.

January 31, 2009

Disgraced former minister Ted Haggard said on “Oprah” and he is not gay, he is just “heterosexual with issues.”

In related news, Bill Clinton and John Edwards said they were not cheating husbands, they were just “monogamous with issues.”

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And by that standard, our country’s not in a recession. We’re just in a strong economy with issues.

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As America’s favorite singing competition heads into it’s eighth year, Fox is also considering a show about George W. Bush during his eight years in office. The working title – “American Idle.”

World Baseball Classic games that are still tied going into the 13th inning, the WBC will use an odd international baseball rule . From that point on innings will start with runners on first and second. This rule apparently was inspired by the Mets bullpen.

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This year’s Super Bowl might draw one of the smallest viewing audiences in recent memory. The audience will, however, be boosted by the fact that most Americans can’t afford to go to the movies instead.

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You know NBC is worried about the potential appeal of an Arizona – Pittsburgh matchup. In fact, rumor has it they are marketing the game ad time as the pre and post concert show for Bruce Springsteen.

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Scary thought of the night – Bruce Springsteen is 12 years older than our President.

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What’s in a oath?

January 22, 2009

After Chief Justice Roberts flubbed the word “faithfully” during the Presidential oath, President Obama retook the oath Wednesday.

Bill Clinton called to offer Obama support, saying he too had had a problem with that “faithfully” part.

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Barack Obama has already changed the White House, eliminating George W. Bush’s policy of “jackets required.” And of course Bill Clinton’s policy of “pants not required.”

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Michelle Obama gave Laura Bush a parting gift of a journal and inscribed pen. George W. Bush was so touched, he decided to give the Obama girls a book and some of his favorite crayons.

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The journal was inscribed with a quote from Louis L’Amour – “There will come a time when you believe everything is finished. Yet that will be the beginning.” George W. said, “Cool, I get it….extra innings.”

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PETA would like Michael Vick to undergo psychiatric evaluation before he returns to the NFL. Presumably the first sanity test question – how would you feel about playing for the Detroit Lions?
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From Carey Schwartz, my son: Jeff Kent has retired. Presumably he wants to spend more time washing his truck.

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President Obama hit the ground running on his first day, hoping to usher in a new era of competence. But for Washingtonians who aren’t quite ready for that, there’s still the Wizards.

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How big was Obama’s inauguration? It was an event of such Olympic proportions that NBC almost tape-delayed it on the West Coast.

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Quick inaugural day thought…

January 20, 2009

Jill Biden said that she advised Joe to take the vice presidency offer because as secretary of state he would have been traveling all the time and she would never see him.

Funny, that’s the same reason Bill advised Hillary to take the secretary of state offer.

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15 South African Airways crew members were arrrested at London’s Heathrow airport after customs agents found over 100 pounds of marijuana in their luggage.

Kind of puts a whole new spin on “mile-high” club, doesn’t it?.

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Quizzing Hillary?

January 13, 2009

Apparently confirmation hearings for Hillary Clinton as secretary of state will involve questioning her about Bill. Well, sure who better to know what’s really going on in Bill’s Clinton’s life than Hillary?

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George W. Bush once again defended his presidency today, especially regarding Katrina and the credit markets. But lets be real, in eight years the only time he’s really noticed anything under water was watching Michael Phelps.

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George W. Bush and Dick Cheney actually are claiming that they have strengthened the Presidency.

Right, just like…

Sarah Palin and her family have strengthened the abstinence movement.

Al Davis has strengthened the Oakland Raiders.

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George W. Bush and Dick Cheney say they have strengthened the institution of the presidency. Even Cubs fans say these guys are delusional.

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There’s gambling in Las Vegas? I’m shocked, shocked…

Fox Sports is planning a series of one-hour shows on the NCAA men’s basketball tournament featuring Bob Knight and Billy Packer. The shows will be taped at the race and sports book in the Wynn hotel. But former CBS sportscaster Packer said the shows will be about analyzing the games and won’t mention gambling.

Does that mean we can expect a show analyzing the NFL playoffs featuring Plaxico Burress and Pacman Jones to be taped at a nightclub?

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Exploited?

January 9, 2009

Sarah Palin is now claiming that people like Tina Fey and Katie Couric “exploited” her candidacy.  But the Governor does feel she will finally be able to defend herself in  her upcoming $7 million book.

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Regarding Obama’s lunch with the former presidents, apparently it was a great success, with all of them sharing their favorite Oval Office memories. There was only one awkward moment, when Carter told Clinton, “Bill, too much information.”

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SI.com headline “Favre plans to take his time to make retirement decision.”

(And their point is?)

 

From Nick Coombs.

Oklahoma has now lost their last five BCS games.  Five losses. That’s almost as bad as the Thunder in an average week.

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Bill and Hillary on New Year’s Eve..

January 1, 2009

Bill and Hillary Clinton appeared together at Times Square to push the button to drop the crystal ball at midnight.  It was a historic moment, the first time anyone can remember seeing Bill and Hillary together on New Years Eve.

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There was one embarrassing moment.   After Bill kissed Hillary at the stroke of midnight, out of habit he asked “And your name is?”

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Actually the ball drop went very well.  But it wasn’t exactly the button Hillary hoped to be in charge of pushing in 2009.

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After the event, the Clintons went home together, where Bill went to sleep and Hillary waited up for that 3am phone call.

 

The first outdoor NHL Hockey game in Chicago was a raging success.  And it also guaranteed that at Wrigley Field in 2009 there would be something colder than the Cubs in the playoffs.

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Desperation…

December 4, 2008

So at this point Detroit automakers say they will do anything for a bailout….  Anything except actually making cars Americans want to buy.

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Bill Clinton said this week that he would “stay out of Hillary’s way.”  Isn’t that what he’s been trying to do for most of their marriage?

 

Protesting a bit too much?

The New York Giants issued a 425 word statement denying that they tried to cover up Plaxico Burress accidentally shooting himself.   425 words?   The Gettysburg Address was only 272!

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One line from the statement  – “No one from the Giants had any involvement with any decision by the hospital concerning its reporting requirements relating to gunshot wounds,” said Pat Hanlon, vice president of communications.    No comment. 

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The whole incident generates a  potential followup to the question “How do pro athletes get so many DUI’s when they could easily afford personal drivers?”   As in,  “If you are a real NFL star isn’t someone in your posse supposed to be carrying the gun for you?”

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Quite a night in New York.  Rockefeller Center lit up their Christmas tree, and then the Cleveland Cavaliers lit up the Knicks.   (Final score  – Cavaliers 118, Knicks 82)

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The Washington Redskins are clinging to playoff hopes after a disappointing month has left them 7-5.  On the brighter side, they may end up with more wins than the Wizards.

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Thursday night’s NFL matchup features the 4-8 San Diego Chargers against the 3-9 Oakland Raiders.  Was this game sponsored by America’s malls?  Because it just might make most men in America throw up their hands and go Christmas shopping.

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The San Francisco Giants will experiment with yield management and market pricing next year, by holding out 2,000 seats where the price will fluctuate as game day approaches, and according to supply and demand.  Thus unused seats could end up deeply discounted. 

The Los Angeles Dodgers are studying the idea.  Their modification might be to sell seats twice, since they have so many unused after the seventh inning.

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Madam secretary…

December 2, 2008

(Apologies if you see another post off  to the side, having some technical difficulties.)

 

With Hillary Clinton nominated as Barack Obama’s secretary of state, there are rumors her husband Bill will be chosen to take her place in the Senate. 

Former President Clinton was at first leery of the idea.  Aides advised him that with the demands of the Senate, he would have to spend most of his time in Washington, instead of traveling with his wife.  And Bill said… well, now that I think about it….”

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Bill Clinton said that before he would accept the New York Senate seat he would need three things:  Chuck Shumer’s support, Michael Bloomberg’s cooperation, and Eliot Spitzer’s rolodex.

 

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A recent study showed that the British are the most promiscuous people in the world in terms of one-night stands.  And Bill Clinton asked Barack Obama, “Say, have you filled that position as Ambassador to the United Kingdom yet?”

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GMAC, the financing arm of General Motors, has tightened credit to the point that only buyers with excellent credit can get loans.  So basically GM couldn’t get financing to buy their own cars.

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If convicted Plaxico Burress of the New York Giants faces at least a 3 1/2 year sentence for carrying an illegal firearm after he accidentally shot himself with his own gun at a Manhattan nightclub.  Though a good lawyer might be able to get him paroled to the Lions.
 
Actually carrying the gun wasn’t apparently the problem, dropping it was…
 
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Wonder what Burress’s defense will be, that he didn’t expect to be going to the nightclub, and was on this way to the airport?
 
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On the brighter side, if this NFL thing doesn’t work out, Burress has been offered a job working security for Dick Cheney.
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The definition of a recession is negative growth in the economy for at least two quarters. Now economists say that the United States is definitely in a recession, and has been so for a year. 
So where did all these economists come from?  FEMA?
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President Bush said last weekend that he wants history to see him as a “liberator of millions.”    For starters,  he liberated millions of Americans from voting Republican.
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This year’s Cyber Monday featured all kinds of items with prices slashed 50 percent or more.  Including stocks.
 

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Turkeys of the Year…

November 27, 2008

It’s not a terribly original idea, but why mess with a winner?   In a year with so many contenders, here are my choices for a few of the turkeys, and turkey moves, of the year….

Sports first.

Whoever had the bright idea of spending over $4 million – including a buyout to his old school, West Virginia, to hire Rich Rodriguez as the new Michigan football coach.  While many expected a transition year, few expected a 3 and 9 record.  On the bright side, no one’s talking any more about that loss in 2007 to Appalachian State.

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The Oklahoma City Thunder.   Group effort, players and management.  Besides stealing the team from Seattle. management came up with a silly name,  and made the Warriors give up their Thunder mascot.  As for the players, well,  1-14 speaks for itself.  Some sympathy here for the citizens of Oklahoma City who have never had a major professional team before.  And they still don’t.

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The BCS – probably a Hall of Fame contender in any top turkey list.  But this year they could outdo themselves, with a strong possibility of seven strong one-loss teams, and two undefeated smaller conference teams (Ball State and Indiana.)  Barack Obama wants a college playoff system – had he announced this before the election he might have won the South too.

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Politics.

Mark Penn –  for so many reasons, the capper being perhaps the fact that he didn’t know that the California Democratic primary was winner take all.   And for taking a  New York Yankees level type payroll and getting  New York Yankees type results.  (Although campaigns don’t even have to pay a luxury tax.)   On the other hand, if Hillary likes the Secretary of State job she can thank him for helping her get in that position.

Bill Clinton  – for deciding the week of the South Carolina primary to remind everyone that Barack Obama was black.  Like we wouldn’t have noticed.

Ralph Nader would have won, except nobody cares anymore.

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“Show us the plan” before we show you the money?

November 21, 2008

Congressional Democrats said they were wary of just handing out money to  automakers, and Nancy Pelosi said that “until they show us the plan we cannot show them the money.” 

Now there is a concept.  Too bad we can’t pay our taxes the same way.

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Of course, if Detroit had had a plan, they probably wouldn’t need the money.

And around the sports world,  many season ticket holders are wishing they could make the same deal.

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The Coast Guard intercepted a suspicious looking boat off the coast of Baja and seized over 10,000 pounds of marijuana that was apparently headed for California.   In related news, 7-11 downgraded their California profit forecasts.

 

Different take on the same story – bad pun alert –

The Coast Guard managed to retrieve more than 130 bales of marijuana thrown overboard by a speedboat they were pursuing.

Guess they wanted to avoid a high tide.

 

The CIncinnati Bengals lost their ninth game Thursday night, after Chad Johnson was benched for undisclosed reason.    Or in other words, at least for tonight  Ocho Cinco was Ocho Seite’d.

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20 members of the Washington Redskins are currently leading at their positions in fan balloting for the Pro Bowl.  Well, it might be good for the fans of the game.  The Redskins are looking less and less likely to be banged up from playoff games.

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Also in Washington, injured point guard Gilbert Arenas, has said that if the 1-7 Wizards finish in last place that it could be “for the better.”  Well,  if his knee doesn’t improve, Gilbert could have a great future as spokesman for the Republican National Committee.

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Arenas made the comments at Madame Tussaud’s wax museum, while unveiling a figure of himself.  Afterwards, officials at Madame Tussaud’s promised to rework Gilbert’s statue, so it would more accurately show him with his foot in his mouth.

 

Rumors have it that Hillary Clinton will be officially announced as Obama’s pick for Secretary of State.   Well, this won’t solve our nation’s problems, but it does mean one cheerful thing:  Bill Clinton jokes are back.

 

Ken Griffey Jr. became the newest American Public Diplomacy Envoy this week. 

Not quite sure what that is, but it sounds like a good fit.  Because our Diplomacy over the last few years has been as banged up as Griffey.

 

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Flying to your bailout hearing in a private jet?

November 20, 2008

Executives from Ford, GM and Chrysler apparently flew to their bailout hearings in their own private jets?

Isn’t this like Bill Clinton needing a character reference on his vetting statement, and using Monica Lewinsky?

Or maybe more like it…

Isn’t this like Ted Stevens being convicted on felony counts for taking illegal gifts, being tossed out of the Senate, and asking if he can take his office furniture home?

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The new Dallas Cowboys stadium beat out several other applicants, including Ford Field, to be the site of the 2014 NCAA Men’s Basketball ball Final Four.  Detroit backers were particularly disappointed;  they feel they have so much experience in hosting amateur sporting events with the Lions.

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While awaiting a  transplant, a 14 year old girl survived almost 4 months in a hospital with out a heart.   Dick Cheney asked “And your point is…?”

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Notre Dame, despite being headed towards a five loss season (if they split games with Syracuse and USC)  is still getting interest from the New Year’s Day Cotton and Gator bowls.

If they are invited, it would be the first time either of these bowls includes a team with five losses.   But clearly the potential audience overweighs any real merit or record.

In related news, Sarah Palin is reportedly close to signing a $7 million book contract. 

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Sarah Palin is reportedly close to signing a $7 million book contract.  Upon hearing the news, President Bush said, for that much money, I’ll read one too.

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It’s not too early to think about the playoffs..

November 13, 2008

The NFL has announced lower playoff ticket prices for this year.  Yet another attempted economic stimulus that won’t trickle down to Detroit.

Apparently the average ticket price will be down 10 percent from last year.   Except in Arizona, where Cardinal fans are still saying “So what ARE these things called playoff tickets?”

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Sarah Palin continues the blame game for her and John McCain’s loss last week -everyone from the media, to staffers, to being muzzled, to Bush’s policies…  Any day now she’ll complain that they might have won if voters weren’t influenced by Simon, Randy and Paula.

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And President-elect Obama is already beginning his efforts to put together an administation that will help ailing industries.   Although for comedy writers, he’s already chosen Joe Biden.  

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John McCain made his first campaign appearance on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno.  Well, where else could he have gone for more sympathy after having lost a job to a younger, less experienced man? 

 

And finally, an incredibly tacky joke:   Don’t read if you are easily offended.

Barack Obama chatted this week with Bill Clinton.  At one point Obama asked the former president about living with a dog in the White House.  Clinton replied, it’s not so bad, you have interns.

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Postponed again…

October 29, 2008

Game 5 of the World Series, currently suspended after five and a half innings, is on hold again.  Tuesday afternoon the conclusion of the game was put off until at least Wednesday.

Which meant that Tuesday night, Fox’s World Series ratings were about the same as they have been for other Series games.

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One bit of good news for cold wet Phillies fans, because the game was suspended in the sixth and not after the seventh inning, when they resume, the stadium will not yet have cut off beer sales.

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Bud Selig isn’t worried about what this delay might do to his sport, well, other than rename it “the Winter Classic.”

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Who’d a thunk that the Phillies would be playing meaningful games deeper into the fall than the Eagles?

 

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And back to politics.  John McCain’s aides are reportedly worried that Sarah Palin has “gone rogue” and is now hurting the campaign. 

Bummer, they thought they were adding Hillary to the ticket, and ended up with Bill.

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The McCain campaign has become so fractious and disorganized and self-destructive, you have to wonder, have they all become Democrats?

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How badly has John McCain run his campaign?  If this presidency thing doesn’t work out Al Davis may decide he’s a perfect fit for the Oakland Raiders.

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Dropping the puck

October 12, 2008

Saturday night Sarah Palin dropped the puck at a Philadelphia Flyers hockey game.   Meanwhile, her running mate John McCain dropped the puck at a shuffleboard game.

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Philadelphia fans did not exactly seem thrilled to see Governor Palin.  They greeted her with many thumbs down signs, and loud boos.  Boos that were only equalled by the ones for the Flyers after they gave up 4 goals in the first period.

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After forty years, “Hockey Night in Canada” debuted a new theme song- “Canadian Gold.”

In the US, Fox is thinking of debuting a new theme song for the playoffs “Wait til the Midnight Hour.”

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Not to say the game 3 starter for the Phillies,  Jamie Moyer, throws REALLY REALLY slowly… But the Dodgers set a pitching machine at his speed during batting practice and the thing stalled.

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How slowly do Moyer’s pitches approach the plate?  You almost expect one of them to have its turn signal blinking.

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Both Bill and Hillary Clinton will make a joint campaign appearance on behalf of Barack Obama, and then the former President will campaign on his own for Senator Obama.    Just when things were going so well….

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And what a weekend for college football.  So many top teams went down that viewers weren’t sure if they were watching SportsCenter or Wall Street Week.

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