Left Coast Sports Babe

Their football team lost to BYU 59-0.    Fifty-nine?!!! 

Brigham Young didn’t have that much scoring in all his combined honeymoons.

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It’s not that Rick Neuheisel has never been so embarrassed by his team before. But in the past, police were involved.

John McCain hopes that putting a young attractive woman on the ticket will distract Americans from the fact that an old out-of-touch man is actually really running things.

If it works and they get elected, look for Oakland Raiders owner Al Davis to replace coach Lane Kiffin with Jessica Simspon.

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Sarah Palin is doing such a good job of distracting Americans from John McCain’s record, her next job offer may be to do public relations for the Yankees.

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Maybe it’s just me, but Sarah Palin reminds me of the buttoned down woman nobody recognizes who shows up at a  mostly-male corporate meeting.  When it’s someone’s birthday.  And then she takes out the boombox and starts playing “the Stripper song….

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After the first game of the season, New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady is out for the year. This might be the most crushing single performance since Rudy Giuliani in the Florida primary.

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Congratulations to the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim, who were the first team to reduce their magic number to zero.  Over in Tampa Bay, most fans are still asking “what’s a magic number?”

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Silver lining of sorts for San Francisco fans:  After three lousy seasons, 49ers quarterback Alex Smith and his $49 million contract are out for the year. Suddenly, that Barry Zito contract doesn’t look so bad.

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Curt Schilling blasted New York fans as “bitter and miserable.”  And he wasn’t even in San Francisco at the time.

Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper has called a general election for October 14.  That means only a little more than five weeks of campaigning and commercials.  In related news, millions of Americans in swing states have filed petitions to immigrate to Canada.

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Prime Minister Harper’s government is not very popular, but apparently a big problem for his opponent Stephane Dion, is that the French-Canadian Dion speaks English very awkwardly.  Apparently for some reason Canadians don’t want to elect a leader who has anything in common with President Bush.

It’s only been one week, and for Tom Brady, the NFL season may be over.  Now he knows how it feels to be a 49ers fan.

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The New York Yankees are spending over $200 million dollars this year, and could finish in fourth place.  Who’s managing this team,  Mitt Romney?

Who says John McCain isn’t the “Change” candidate?

Why, in the past year alone he’s changed on taxes, torture and off-shore oil drilling.

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Say what you will about Sarah Palin.  She is the prettiest vice-presidential candidate since John Edwards.

Very bad pun…

The true story of how John McCain chose Sarah Palin?  McCain was talking to his aides about needing a strong woman on the ticket to attract Hillary Clinton voters, but said he wasn’t sure where he should be looking and didn’t feel confident about approaching any of them with the offer  –  A   Southern aide volunteered  “Ay’ll ask her?.”

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So a new study says thinking hard causes overeating?  No wonder George W. is one of our fittest presidents.

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And Barack Obama, in responding to Sarah Palin’s attacks, says he’s “heard worse on the basketball court.”  Which may not mean he is qualified to be president, but it does make him an honorary member of tne New York Knicks.

Another from my very funny friend Bill Littlejohn. 

The Republicans feel their convention was a  success.   The last time St. Paul was this friendly to John McCain was when Senator McCain was with him on the road to  Damascus”

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Penn State football coach Joe Paterno, 82, suspended three players for this weekend’s game after they were found with marijuana in their room.

Did he announce the suspension by yelling “You punks get off of my field?”

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You have to love the Republican party, making John McCain’s military service a major reason to vote for him in November.

After they’ve just elected a draft dodger twice over two different veterans.

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Leland Yee,  a state senator in California,  may introduce leglislation against a new LPGA  policy that will require  players to speak “effective English”  starting in 2009.    He feels that it is unfair that the tour will hold its players to higher standards than the US presidency.

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 And fans in Oakland cannot wait for the football season to start.  After enduring the woeful second half of the As, it will be a refreshing change to root for a team that only loses once a week.

Sarah Palin in her speech to the convention said that when she took office she sold the Governor’s private jet on Ebay.  What she didn’t say  – Cindy McCain bought it.

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If  this vice presidential thing doesnt work out Sarah Palin might be able to get a job as enforcer, for the New York Rangers.

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And the Republican National Convention is hardly a showplace of diversity.  In fact, the assembled delegates looked like a NASCAR crowd, only whiter.

John McCain’s choice of Sarah Palin gives the Republicans a ticket where both of them will be up for that 3am phone call.   She will be up with her baby, and he will be up to go to the bathroom.

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A quick question – Was Sarah’s maiden name Eagleton?

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And did someone on the McCain team think, well, if we don’t pick Romney we won’t have to endure a campaign full of jokes about Mormon families?

Senator McCain is getting mixed messages about his choice of Sarah Palin as a running mate.

But the most worrisome might be his call from President Bush – “Johnnie, you’re doing a hell of a job.”

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So John McCain figures he can run the country along with a young, charming governor with a slim resume.   And Dick Cheney says “You got a problem with that?”

John McCain chose Sarah Palin of Alaska as his running mate.  Among her other talents, Governor Palin is an avid hunter.  Let’s see, a vice president who likes to shoot guns. What could possibly go wrong?

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Apparently McCain was a little hesitant about Governor Palin’s qualifications.  Then his advisors reminded him that Alaska is indeed a state.

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Some people question Sarah Palin’s foreign policy experience.  They forget in Alaska you need to go through a foreign country just to get to any other state.

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Sarah Palin has a five month old baby.  Well, if that turns out to be a major asset on the campaign trail maybe Obama will wish he HAD picked John Edwards.

So on the night that Barack Obama accepted the Democratic nomination, the Cubs moved 34 games over .500.  So let’s hear it for those who predicted this kind of success for both teams from Chicago last year… both of them.

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The Democratic mayor of Minneapolis has said that he wants to get Republicans drunk during their convention so the Democrats can win in November.  And he is reminding delegates that the bars and clubs don’t close until 4am. 

Now we know why Bill Clinton was in such a hurry to leave Denver.

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McCain backers are running ads decrying Obama’s friendship with University of Chicago professor Bill Ayers, who was a radical during the 1960s.

Obama backers are readying response ads that go after McCain’s friendships, especially with the men who fought on the side of the Huns.

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A-Rod had a miserable series against the Red Sox.  Well, it’s still August but good to know one member of the Yankees is in post-season form.

Senator McCain is denying rumors he has already chosen his running mate.

Actually,  John has chosen, but he has forgotten who it is.

Former President Clinton delivered a rousing speech to the Democratic convention, one that went only a little more than twice over his allotted time.

Well, what did the Democrats expect when they played his 1992 theme song “Don’t Stop?”

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After last week’s gaffe on forgetting how many properties he owns, finally John McCain can relate to a housing crisis.

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In response to Barack Obama’s pick of Joe Biden, John McCain is also looking for a more experienced veep running mate.  He’s just having a hard time finding someone with Civil War experience.

If Bill Clinton doesn’t get over himself soon, people are going to say he learned his torch passing technique from the US relay sprint teams.

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Though following Hillary’s speech, Democrats are hoping Bill will come out with a good effort tomorrow…  You know, something like “Win one for the Zipper.”

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And Rudy Giuliani called Barack Obama’s selection of Joe Biden as a running mate “a big mistake.”

Well, if anyone knows about “big mistakes’ in picking partners, it’s the thrice married Giuliani.

The Colorado Rockies, eight games under .500, are only 6 games out of first place in the woeful NL West.  This may be the worst performance by a winning team since Bush and Cheney got re-elected.

John McCain is running an ad criticizing Barack Obama for not making Hillary Clinton his veep pick, since she was so clearly the Democrats’ second choice.

Wonder how long it will be until McCain announces his running mate – “None of the above.”

John McCain liked Barack Obama’s idea of notifying supporters personally about his vice-presidential selection. 

So his campaign is putting the finishing touches on a similar plan of their own.  Just as soon as they can find a few more Native Americans who are proficient at smoke signals.

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So far all is going well for the Obama-Biden team.  There was only one embarassing moment, when Barack explained to Joe that the vice presidential nominee speaking on Wednesday night didn’t mean he spoke ALL night.

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Many people still think Senator McCain is a moderate maverick.

But John has gone so far over to the other side, his secret service code name is Anakin.

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John McCain is now trying so hard to emulate George Bush that soon his sentences won’t even have a noun and a verb.