Left Coast Sports Babe

These are all too easy but…

Los Angeles today was shaking like…

Dick Cheney when he heard oil prices took another tumble.

John Edwards being approached by a reporter.

John McCain hearing that the first presidential debate will feature a geography quiz.

Barack Obama hearing that Reverend Wright has been hired as a religious commentator by Fox News..

Chicago Bears fans hearing how much Rex Grossman admires Brett Favre…

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Moving along…

Sen. Ted Stevens, the nation’s longest-serving Republican senator was indicted Tuesday on seven felony counts.

If convicted on all counts, he could again become the nation’s longest-serving Republican senator.

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Regarding the  recent embarrassing incident where John Edwards was allegedly caught at a hotel visiting his mistress, the former Senator has a defense: 

Given all of Obama’s favorable publicity in Berlin, Edwards just decided it was time he too reminded Americans of JFK.

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The International Olympic Committee has announced this Olympics will be the last for baseball as a medal sport.  For those disappointed fans of amateur baseball the IOC will do their best in 2012 to organize a summer series betwen the Kansas City Royals and the Washington Nationals.

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With so many events being tape delayed, viewers who hope to watch the games “plausibly live” will have to be particularly careful.  They may read news stories about athletes being stripped of their medals for doping before they see the events..

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And Iraq has been banned from this year’s Olympics for “government interference.”  Does this mean the IOC will retroactively recalculate all past figure skating scores involving a French judge?

A really really bad pun alert for the weekend.

Barack Obama’s Berlin speech prompted comparisons of the candidate with JFK.   Who in his famous speech accidentally said “I am a jelly doughnut.”

But given Barack’s prowess on the basketball court,  presumably if he had made a similar error, it would be to say, “I am a dunkin’ doughnut.”

The Green Bay Packers have announced they might postpone retiring Favre’s number: They are saying now that they were never fully committed to retiring the jersey and felt pressured by Brett to make a decision.’ . . .

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And regarding the QANTAS plane with the hole in the cargo section.   Well, you might be paying to check your luggage but at least on this flight it got a window seat.

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The NBA has filed for trademark rights to six nicknames for the league’s new Oklahoma City franchise: Barons, Bison, Energy, Marshalls, Thunder and Wind.

Considering that they basically stole the franchise from Seattle, what about Robber Barons?

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But “Energy?”   The Oklahoma City Energy?      What kind of a name is that?  Maybe they have hopes of drilling their shots…?

Five players were suspended after their brawl with the Los Angeles Sparks, and so the Detroit Shock signed 50 year old Nancy Lieberman to a one week contract.

There’s no guaranteed she won’t get in a brawl too, but at least any potential medical bills will be paid by Medicare.

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Apparently one of her jobs is to keep the rest of the team in line by threatening them with timeouts.

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The  Nationals are visiting A T and T Park this week, playing against the Giants who have the worst home record in major league baseball.     And the Giants as of Wednesday have actually won two in a row.  Who says Washington hasn’t done anything for San Francisco lately?

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Conservative columnist Robert Novak apparently hit a pedestrian with his car this week.   Presumably it was the pedestrian’s fault,  for walking too far to the left.

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In a stunning display of obviousness – – or bad eyesight –  Novak claimed he didn’t even know he had hit the man,  and acccording to Fox News, said he was a block away from the scene of the accident when a bicyclist stopped him to tell him he’d struck someone.  

Which means the scariest afternoon in the planet might be a hunting party with Robert Novak and Dick Cheney.

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And the Barack Obama World Tour hits Berlin later this week.  John McCain claimed that the stop was just about publcity, and besides, Obama wasn’t even making time to visit both East and West  Berlin.

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The Obamas revealed in an interview that they give their daughters $1.00 allowance a week.  Curiously enough, the same amount the girls will probably get when they are eligible for Social Security.

John McCain joked Tuesday about how the Czech Republic and Slovakia split years ago, but from “time to time some of us misstate and say Czechoslovakia.”  

He then added that when he gets to the White House, two of his first celebrity guests will be “Bennifer.”

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Now that Oklahoma City has named their NBA team, Seattle’s next lawsuit will say that Oklahoma stole their “Thunder.”

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So at a fundraiser, George W Bush told people to turn off their recorders, but a tape of his remarks found its way to ABC News. 

Should he be surprised?   In a room full of wealthy Republicans, one of them found another way to profit in a down economy…

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And okay, this might one of the few jokes on this blog that if you are a guy reading you might have to ask a woman to explain:

Sid Craig, who founded Jenny Craig with his wife, died Tuesday at the age of 76.  The funeral will of course be free, plus the cost of food.

Because Thunder only happens when it’s raining….

And the new name for the new Oklahoma City NBA team is yes, the Thunder.

Besides the fact that they stole the name from the Golden State Warriors’ mascot, you have to wonder…is that the best they could do?

If nothing else they could have paid tribute to the team they took from Seattle and name the team the Oklahoma Super Sooners.

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John McCain says that Barack Obama could only make his trip to Iraq now because the surge is making it safe for him to be there?    Almost as safe as it would have been for him to travel there before we invaded in the first place?

McCain’s latest ad says we are winning the war, if we had done what Barack Obama wanted we would have lost. 

Actually Senator, if we had done what Obama wanted we wouldn’t have been there in the first place.

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And McCain also said about the Afghanistan situation. “We have a lot of work to do and I’m afraid it’s a very hard struggle, particularly given the situation on the Iraq/Pakistan border.”

I guess he was distracted by the tensions closer to home on the Canada-Mexico border.
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And George W. Bush was asked what he thought about “the Dark Knight.”  He said that if the Democrats were willing to allow off-shore drilling we wouldn’t need to turn off the streetlights.

Greg Norman is leading the British Open after three rounds.  After tomorrow, most of these jokes may or may not be out of date.

When John McCain heard about Norman leading after three rounds, his response “That’s amazing, that guy is OLD.”

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If he wins will Ensure be classified as a performance enchancing drug?

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I’m going to forgo the obvious joke that Norman’s first comments in the clubhouse were “Now you punks get off of my greens.”

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Greg Norman is actually playing the tournament on a whim while on his honeymoon.  He was married last month to Chris Evert.  In related news, the Williams sisters sent the couple a nice belated present, and thanked Chris for deciding not to drop in and play a few rounds at Wimbledon.

May your troubles last as long as Brett Favre’s retirements?

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And what’s happened in this world.  Tiger Woods is missing most of the major tournaments, the Cubs are in first place, the Packers are trying to get rid of Brett Favre?

At least there are a few signs of normalcy – three riders have already been caught doping in the Tour de France.

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Last week, Dick Cheney was given a clean bill of health and doctors’ pronounced his heartbeat normal.  This weekend, however, they have scheduled an emergency follow up exam, to make sure his heart has stood the stress test of oil dropping $20 a barrel.

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It’s a good weekend at the movies for our nation’s top political figures.  Barack Obama likes to think of himself as a “Dark Knight,”  John McCain is interested in “Mamma Mia” because he remembers his first senior discount at an Abba concert, and well, President Bush is just excited about the opening of “Space Chimps.”

Arnold Schwarzenegger has appointed Bo Derek to the California Horse Racing Board.  Well, next year it will be easy to spot the West Coast contenders in the Kentucky Derby… they’ll be the horses with their manes in cornrows.
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And from my very funny friend Bill Littlejohn:

California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger has appointed Bo Derek to a state commission overseeing horse racing.   Apparently there has been a problem with horses testing positive for botox”

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This year’s All Star Game ended  after 130am Eastern Time.  It’s appropriate that the ending counted towards the World Series.  Kids won’t be able to stay up to see the end of those games either.

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Star Alabama high school football player Destin Hood had planned to play football at the University of Alabama, but he decided instead to sign a baseball contract with the Washington Nationals.  Guess he just wanted to be paid legally for playing with an amateur team.

By the time it was over, Brett Favre had retired and un-retired three more times.

John McCain is trying hard to act up to date after he mistakenly referred to the nonexistent country of Czechoslovakia again this week.  In fact, he went into a Chinese restaurant to order Beijing Duck.

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Not to say that President Bush isn’t the literary type.  But someone asked him if he thought that the New Yorker had insulted Obama, and he responded, “well, it’s certainly none of my business, but I thought now that Hillary was supposed to be supporting him. “

Monday John McCain mistakenly referred to relations between Russia and Czechoslovakia.

(Czechoslovakia has been split into two countries, the Czech republic, and Slovakia, for almost 15 years)

He says he was distracted, apparently his campaign is planning a international town hall meeting in Constantinople.

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And President Bush said anyone can make a mistake, of course he meant Czechoslovakia and the Soviet Union.

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Back to sports.  If you don’t care about the Home Run Derby and the All-Star Game, this is a rough few days for baseball fans.  There are no major league games at all for three days.

On the other hand, we all get a small taste of what it’s like to spend a year as a Royals fan.

President Bush does seem a little divorced from harsh realities during his last year in office.

Today someone asked him what he thought about Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae?  His response, oh, are those the names they chose for Brad and Angelina’s twins?

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When asked if he really thinks America is a nation of whiners, Bush responded. “No, I think most of them prefer beer.”

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And okay, he’s used to being a leader, he’s survived years of bitter cold, and he’s decided he doesn’t want to walk away from being a star.  But enough about Bill Clinton.  Brett Favre says he no longer wants to retire.

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Actually, despite rumors to the contrary, the Packers would be happy to let Brett Favre play next year for a contending team.  Say for example, the San Jose Sabercats.

In John McCain’s autobiography,  he said that when he was a POW and his interrogators wanted the names of his squadron mates,   he named the Green Bay Packers defensive line.

Now campaigning in Pennsylania, he said it was Pittsburgh’s defensive line.  

McCain’s campaign called it a simple “memory lapse.”
 
What’s next, a speech about Ronald Reagan and his success in tearing down the “Steel Curtain”?

The Washington Nationals are in last place in their division and are drawing less than 30,000 fans on average to their new stadium.  Now it has been announced that they have the  lowest television ratings of any team in major league baseball.

Well, it makes sense,  folks in the DC area who like watching sloppy performances are already regular viewers with  C-Span.

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New potential commercial for Jacksonville wide receiver Matt Jones:

Cocaine street price – over $1000 an ounce.

Toyota 4 Runner  – over $30,000.

Knowing you should use a credit card to cut cocaine in the privacy of your home instead of in a car – Priceless.

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Despite the Tampa Bay Rays low attendance figures, rookie star Evan Longoria was elected to the All-Star team as the American League fans’ choice.

Wonder how many of those male fans will be disappointed because they only voted to see how sexy a “Desperate Housewives” star looks in uniform.

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Regarding Jesse Jackson’s comment about cutting off a certain part of Barack Obama’s anatomy:

Senator Obama shouldn’t feel bad, Jackson muttered he would do the same thing the last time he was mad at Hillary Clinton.

University of Arizona recruit Brandon Jennings is backing out of his commitment to play college basketball, opting instead to play professionally in Europe. 

Guess he found out he wouldn’t be paid as well as OJ Mayo at USC.

So Barack Obama is going to accept the Democratic nomination at Invesco Field, still referred to in Denver as Mile High Stadium.

And Bill Clinton announced he will be there, he hears they have a great club.

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Minneapolis beat out Cleveland to host the Republican Convention.    Of course, Cleveland had already demolished the perfect stadium for John McCain to give his speech.   “The Mistake by the Lake.”

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The Metrodome offered McCain the opportunity to speak there.  But he denied the offer.  Said the place was old, white, decrepit, and should have been retired years ago.

Okay, did that last one really need a punchline?

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Brett Favre apparently texted the Packers GM about his possible return from his possible retirement.  This is shocking,  a man who is almost 40 years old can text?

Madonna issued a statement denying that she and Alex Rodriguez were “romantically involved.” 

Of course, she said nothing about whether or not they had sex.

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And the tabloids are full of the story about how A-Rod’s wife is going to cash in by divorcing the Yankee slugger over his infidelities.

You know, Hillary Clinton just got an idea about retiring that campaign debt….

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Wonder if there is any truth to the rumor that somewhere in Cynthia Rodriguez’s wardrobe was a t-shirt that  said “F*** Madonna?”

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Okay, back to cleaner thoughts.
The “Love Guru”, Mike Myers’ film about a spiritual advisor who helps the Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup, has bombed at the box office.  Yeah, even in the summer, I guess there are just limits to how much fantasy moviegoers can take.

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Brett Favre has once again indicated he is having second thoughts about his retirement.   Guess he just can’t give up on the dream of once again leading a team through the frozen tundra back to glory and a championship.

Has he considered joining the Winnipeg Blue Bombers?

(yeah, have to put in a Canadian joke sometimes, check it out, Winnipeg has the longest championship drought in the CFL)

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NFL player Tony Gonzalez saved a man’s life with the Heimlich maneuver last weekend, a truly heroic act.   Of course,as a long time member of the Kansas City Chiefs, Gonzalez should be an expert on choking.