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2012

November 8, 2008

A recent poll said that 64 percent of Republicans want Sarah Palin to run for president in 2012.

And presumably about 100 percent of Democrats.

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Though to be fair, McCain-Palin did win every state she could see from her house.

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Ralph Nader was chastised by Fox News anchor Shepard Smith for using a derogatory racial term to describe President-elect Obama.  

Isn’t being chastised by Fox News on political correctness like being chastised by John Edwards on family values?

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In the end, Hillary Clinton turned out be a real soldier for Barack Obama.  Ironically, some of her best campaigning came after Obama told her he thought he might be able to give her an important role in his administration, but it wouldn’t come with a first-lady type job for her husband.

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Celebrating Obama’s election…

November 8, 2008

It seems like much of the world is celebrating the election of Barack Obama as President of the United States.  Including especially many of the commuters on Amtrak from Wilmington to Washington DC.  Finally, they are going to get some peace and quiet. 

(see bottom of this post if that doesn’t make sense.)

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Despite many people’s worries the election seems to have gone relatively smoothly.  With few computer problems or allegations of tampering.

But all is not lost for conspiracy theorists – there’s still the BCS.

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Barack Obama said on Monday Night Football that he thought we should have a college football playoff system.  Had he only added “and we should re-regulate the airlines”, he would have really won in a landslide.

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To increase their revenue, Boston Red Sox are adding 560 new seats next year to Fenway Park.  And not to be outdone, while they bid for Manny Ramirez the Dodgers are adding seats too.  They will be sold for after the seventh inning only, and will be located in the parking lot.

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Sam Perry has become a celebrity after Oprah cried on his shoulder Tuesday night and the pictures went out on worldwide television.  Just as well that the scene was televised.  Can you imagine coming home? “Yes, honey, it’s makeup, but it’s not what you think…really, it was Oprah.”

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(oh, and regarding the commuters to Wilmington.  Joe Biden has been a regular commuter on that train.)

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Turning over the same old Leaf…

November 7, 2008

Ryan Leaf was placed on “administrative leave” from his job as an assistant quarterback coach at West Texas A & M over drug allegations,  ten years after he was the number two choice in the NFL draft.

Yep, he’s right on track for a future career in “Celebrity boxing.”

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All of a sudden, Peyton Manning’s 4-4 start with the Indianapolis Colts doesn’t look so bad. (Manning was drafted number one in the 1998 draft, Leaf was number two.)

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The Los Angeles Dodgers have offered a hefty two-year contract to Manny Ramirez, but may end up being outbid.  Hey, times are tough, especially when you only get concession revenues from the third to the seventh inning.

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On election night, Oprah ended up crying on the shoulder of a stranger, who turned out to be an Obama volunteer from California.   Sam Perry, aka Mr. Man, said he didn’t mind a bit, after all as a Democrat he was used to women crying on election night.

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John McCain’s staff denied there were any bad feelings late in the campaign between the Senator and Governor Palin.  They also denied that McCain had had any “buyer’s remorse’ about the pick.   In fact, one aide said that John had even suggested Sarah go hunting with Dick Cheney.

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The Denver Broncos defeated the Cleveland Browns, in “Thursday Night Football.”  Or, as the NFL refers to its new scheduling policy: “If we can find a night we think you will watch we’re playing a game.”

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And once again, the Oakland Raiders home game Sunday will be blacked out in the San Francisco because the team didn’t sell enough tickets.  Is this really the right strategy.  Maybe the threat should be, if you don’t buy tickets, we’ll black out the alternate game between two real teams.

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And after Barack Obama’s historic win, Americans stockpiled newspapers Wednesday morning to save for their grandchildren.  Who will probably ask someday “What’s a newspaper?”

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After the election…

November 6, 2008

It should be at least a few weeks before the first candidates declare for 2012.

 

One day after the election, Barack Obama is working on his transition team.  And Joe Biden is just finishing delivering his VP acceptance speech.

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Sarah Palin said she doesn’t believe she cost John Palin a single vote.  Well, Obama may have won most of the swing states, but Palin certainly owns the state of denial.

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After the election there were plenty of phone calls.  George W.  Bush and Dick Cheney called John McCain to offer condolences.  And Bill Clinton called Sarah Palin to offer to buy her lunch.

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After the end of the baseball season Manny Ramirez said he wanted a big longterm contract, saying  “I want to see who is the highest bidder. Gas is up and so am I,”

Yeah, proving exactly why smart teams won’t sign him to a long term contract…

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There are reports that Major League Baseball agents are scrambling to sign their clients’ big contracts before January 1,  when President-Elect Obama’s expected tax increases will hit multi-millionaires.   

So who knew, they may not make the playoffs, but the Yankees could at least help pay off our national debt.

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And voters in San Francisco overwhelmingly rejected a measure that would have renamed a local sewage plant after George W. Bush.  Of course, San Franciscans being San Franciscans, no word as to whether they thought the renaming would be unfair to the president,  or to the sewage plant.

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The jokes return tomorrow.

November 5, 2008

In the meantime.  Yippee!  Or in a more professional style.  Can we believe it?  This is an historic election in more ways than one.  And there will be plenty of time for jokes.

But for now, wow.  again, Yippee!!!  

I am so proud to be an American.

(And yes, kudos to John McCain and his classy concession speech.  As they said about Charles I on the day of his execution – “Nothing in his life so became him as the leaving of it.”)

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Monday night football..

November 4, 2008

Pittsburgh Steelers receiver Santonio Holmes returned after being benched for a game after police found marijuana cigars in his car.  he caught three passes for 30 yards including a five yard touchdown pass.   He denied rumors  that the touchdown catch was a “high-five.”

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On interviews during the halftime show of Monday Night Football, John McCain said he’d like to get performance-enchancing drugs out of sports.  Barack Obama said he’d just like to see a playoff system in college football.  That settles it – they’re BOTH unrealistic dreamers.

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A prankster purporting claiming to be President Sarkovy calling from Paris managed to dupe Sarah Palin into a conversation.  But to be fair, Governor Palin said she hadn’t talked to anyone speaking Parisian before.

 

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And finally on election eve.  The Arizona Cardinals are in first place and  the Tennessee Titans are undefeated.  The New York Yankees didn’t make the playoffs, and both the Philadelphia Philles and the Tampa Bay Rays made it to the World Series.    By comparison,  you could have probably gotten better odds on the U.S. electing a black man to be our next president….

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Okay, even with negative campaigning there are limits….

November 3, 2008

Someone, apparently an Obama supporter, chartered a plane in Oakland to fly over the stadium with the banner “McCain is a Raiders fan.”

Okay, now this negative campaigning is going too far.

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After Baylor barely lost to #14 Missouri in football their coach Art Briles said “It was a very emotional, very draining non-win.”

Well, if he loses his job at Baylor, Briles may have a great future with the Republican party.

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The Washington Nationals have announced plans to lower the cost of some tickets in 2009.  This will put their prices more in line with other AAA teams.

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Kudos to the San Francisco 49ers.  At least they didn’t embarrass themselves this Sunday with a  bye week.

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Rewritten joke from yesterday:

Halloween is over and President Bush really enjoyed himself.  Although he was surprised to hear from John McCain about the new tradition of keeping your mask on until November 5.

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You have to love American elections.  All this money, time and effort spent on convincing people who aren’t smart enough to have made up their minds until the last minute.

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Wouldn’t it be nice to have a V-chip or something similar for early/absentee voters?  Then if you vote, you could get a chip for your television that would mute political ads until after the election….

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After Halloween…

November 1, 2008

President Bush enjoyed Halloween.  But with the election approaching Tuesday, he’s waiting for the Republican National Committee to tell him he can take the mask off.

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The University of Michigan is paying almost $2 million to new coach Rich Rodriguez, in addition to a $2.5 million payment to West Virginia to buy out his old contract.    For that money, the coach has led the team to a 2-7 record.

Well, at least the school will be able to count on saving the contract’s $50,000 to $200,000 bowl bonus.

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Over four million in a year for a 2-7 record?   Are we sure he isn’t coaching the Lions?

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Although speaking of the Detroit Lions, who are actually 0-7, they have reportedly agreed to a two year contract with Daunte Culpepper.  Guess he gave up hope of signing with an NFL team.

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Barack Obama and John McCain will both be interviewed during halftime on Monday Night Football.  Ralph Nader was also looking for an appropriate game for an interview, but the Bengals and Lions don’t play each other this season.

Barack Obama is coming to Cincinnati on November 2.  Which may be the town’s only chance this fall of seeing a winner on Sunday.

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That confusing first amendment….

November 1, 2008

Sarah Palin said Friday that her First Amendment rights are being threatened by reporters who criticize her.  Wow.  Even Dan Quayle knows that trying to misrepresent the constitution is a “hot potatoe.”

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Of course, to be fair, it is possible Governor Palin didn’t mean to misrepresent the First Amendment.  It is possible she’s never read it.

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And new San Francisco coach Mike Singletary is still trying to explain why he dropped his pants during a halftime speech to his team last week.

One thing he did accomplish,   the 49ers’ play on the field is no longer being talked about as the most embarrassing thing that happened this week in San Francisco.

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And Phillies fans jammed the streets of Philadelphia to cheer their team in a victory parade.  Then after the parade they went home and got ready to boo the Eagles.

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That infomercial…

October 30, 2008

Barack Obama’s 30 minute prime-time infomercial was watched by over 36 million people.  It was so popular, in fact, that if this presidency thing doesn’t work out most major networks have offered him his own sitcom.

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How low were the ratings for the World Series.   Rumor has it Fox was thinking of pre-empting game six to replay Obama’s infomercial.

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As the election approaches, so do all the worries and rumors about voting problems, computer glitches and tainted results.  American sports fans in particular just can’t wait for it to be over.  Then they can get back to real life, like watching college football and following the BCS standings.

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Mike Singletary, the new coach of the San Francisco 49ers, dropped his pants to make a point during halftime of last week’s loss to the Seahawks.  Well, Singletary may or may not be the right fit for the 49ers, but he has been made an honorary member of the Stanford band.

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Congrats to the University of Cincinnati Bearcats football team. Now 6 and 2, they knocked off the 23rd ranked University of South Florida Thursday night on national television.  

The only folks upset in Cincinnati?  Members of the Bengals.  Now they may not even be the best amateur team in town.

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And lastly, a joint effort with Bill Littlejohn.

This World Series was the lowest rated in history.  As a result all members of the Phillies have been made honorary members of the Philadelphia Flyers.

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Congratulations to Bud Selig…

October 29, 2008

He finally figured out a way to have a World Series game end by midnight.

Not saying this World Series had awful ratings, but there was talk at Fox of pre-empting game six with a replay of Obama’s infomercial.

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Even celebrations are different in Philadelphia.  Not to say Phillies fans are tough, but on the floats for the upcoming parade they plan to hang former non-winning players in effigy.  

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How negative is Sarah Palin these days?   She’s now been made an honorary Philadelphia sports fan.

Sarah Palin again accused  Obama of being tied to another “radical professor,” and said it was “not negative campaigning to call someone out on their record.”

This spoken by a woman who has said publicly that she might still vote for a convicted felon next week for Senate?

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Actually,  if we disqualified everyone in Congress with associates who have unsavory incidents in their past, I’m afraid we would never get a quorum.

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Sarah Palin seems like she’s running for president in 2012.  And John McCain acts like he’s running for president in 1972.

 

How does Sarah Palin season her salmon?    “Dill, baby, dill.”

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Postponed again…

October 29, 2008

Game 5 of the World Series, currently suspended after five and a half innings, is on hold again.  Tuesday afternoon the conclusion of the game was put off until at least Wednesday.

Which meant that Tuesday night, Fox’s World Series ratings were about the same as they have been for other Series games.

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One bit of good news for cold wet Phillies fans, because the game was suspended in the sixth and not after the seventh inning, when they resume, the stadium will not yet have cut off beer sales.

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Bud Selig isn’t worried about what this delay might do to his sport, well, other than rename it “the Winter Classic.”

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Who’d a thunk that the Phillies would be playing meaningful games deeper into the fall than the Eagles?

 

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And back to politics.  John McCain’s aides are reportedly worried that Sarah Palin has “gone rogue” and is now hurting the campaign. 

Bummer, they thought they were adding Hillary to the ticket, and ended up with Bill.

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The McCain campaign has become so fractious and disorganized and self-destructive, you have to wonder, have they all become Democrats?

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How badly has John McCain run his campaign?  If this presidency thing doesn’t work out Al Davis may decide he’s a perfect fit for the Oakland Raiders.

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Snow place like home?

October 27, 2008
Game five of the World Series was played in sloppy, cold and wet conditions.   Or as the Minnesotans call it “Summer.”

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Just think, except for that great game seven in the ALCS, they could finish up game five, and head to Boston.  Where the forecast for Wednesday includes snow.

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(Who’d have dreamed the World Series might be saved by a dome.?)
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Next year, the World Series is planned to finish up in November.  November!  Well, good thing the Cubs should once again be out by the first round.

The Tennessee Titans remain the last undefeated team in the NFL.   Well, if they run the table and finally dethrone the 1972 Dolphins, I guess Miami can drown their sorrows to the tune of a country song.

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After being acquitted on a DUI charge, Rafer Alston of the Houston Rockets joked that “you can’t  celebrate a DUI case with a glass of wine.”  Yo, Rafer, ever heard of cabs?
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John McCain said that Barack Obama is already measuring the drapes in the White House.  Meanwhile, the RNC is shopping for drapes at Neiman Marcus.

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Condeleezza Rice is being considered as the possible next president of the San Francisco 49ers.   Which means she would work for John and Denise Debartolo York, two of the NFL’s most derided owners. 

Not only have the Yorks run the franchise into the ground, but they only  got the team because it belonged to Denise’s father.  Wonder who thought Condeleezza might have any experience dealing with a situation like that?

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This just in…

October 26, 2008

John McCain says his campaign is going well.  Yep, any day now he and Governor Palin will unfurl the banner reading “Mission Accomplished.”

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Ralph Nader says he’s set a record by giving 17 campaign speeches yesterday in Massachusetts totaling 255 minutes.

Amazing…  Nader HAS 17 supporters in Massachusetts?

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A campaign spokesman said the speeches were to “was to raise awareness that Nader is running for president as an independent.  ” and that “two-thirds of the nation doesn’t realize it.”  The other one-third , of course, realizes it, but doesn’t care.

 

The San Diego Chargers and New Orleans Saints played a regular season game Sunday in London. It’s part of the NFL’s new plan to disappoint fans on two continents.

As we approach Halloween and people are working on their costumes, rumor has it members of the Cincinnati Bengals are planning to come as professional football players.

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Honoring Mr. Blackwell..

October 24, 2008

Mr. Blackwell died this week. In his honor, the Republicans are establishing an award: it’s for spending the most money you can while still looking like you shop at Wal-Mart.

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By the way, to any new readers, this is primarily a sports jokes blog, with politics thrown in.    Until November 4, however, it may be the other way around.   And while I will cheerfully attempt jokes about anyone, I am an unabashed supporter of Barack Obama.    (Besides, alas, he’s not that funny.)  For any McCain-Palin fans, I hope you have a sense of humor about it, otherwise check back post-election.  I do promise some Biden jokes.

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John McCain accused Barack Obama of recently changing his tax plan while running for President.   As opposed to himself,  who changed his tax plan back when he decided to run for President.

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Football coach Rich Rodriguez agreed to terms with the University of Michigan back in January.  But he just finally on Friday signed the six year deal  worth an estimated $2.5 million a year. 

Good thing too, with all those other schools just waiting to steal away a 2 and 5 coach.

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After Barry Bonds sat out most of the 2006 season after problems with knee surgery performed by his personal doctor, now comes the news that Tom Brady’s personal surgeon may have botched his knee surgery as well.

Meanwhile, in the NBA, several players have suggested to Kobe Bryant that perhaps he should look beyond the Lakers team physician for a second opinion about HIS knee.

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The fall classic…

October 23, 2008

World Series or not, most folks in the Tampa area still aren’t really into their baseball team yet.   In fact, when a local newspaper asked residents what they thought about the Rays,  the most common response – “It’s best to use sunscreen. ” 

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How can you tell a  Rays bandwagon fan?

They’re at the game.

How can you tell a Phillies bandwagon fan? 

They actually cheer.

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By the way, thanks to reader Mike Bush of Santa Barbara who reminded me that  they are the Tampa Bay Rays, not the Tampa Rays, and that Tampa Bay is not a city.   It’s the Tampa -St. Pete -Clearwater area.    And having just been to the stadium this summer, I know it’s in St. Petersburg.    But Tampa is easier to write. 

Of course, they aren’t the Miami Marlins either.  Or the Denver Rockies.  Or for that matter the Phoenix Diamondbacks.   What is it about expansion teams.  One city’s not enough, they have to claim the whole state?   

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The Republican National Committee spent $150,000 on campaign clothes and accessories for Sarah Palin.    $150,000!   For about two months.  Who was selling them the clothes?  Scott Boras?

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Actually for as poorly as the campaign is doing in October, you’d expect most of the outfits to have pinstripes. 

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In related news, the Obama campaign admitted spending about $50  recently on accessories for Joe Biden.   All on rolls of duct tape.  For his mouth.

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And this from Nick Coombs:  Senator John McCain chided Barack Obama for saying nice things about the Rays while having previously said he was rooting for the Phillies.  Actually McCain was disappointed the A’s didn’t make it, he would have loved an all-Philadelphia world series.

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October Surprise:

October 22, 2008

Fox has made no secret of their preference for a McCain-Palin victory in November,  But alas, the biggest October surprise has turned out to be a Phillies-Rays World Series.

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How old is the ageless Jamie Moyer of the Phillies?  He’s so old he can remember the last time the Phillies won the World Series.

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How young are the Phillies and Rays on average?  Even Barack Obama says they’re inexperienced.

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Oops.  John McCain slipped up at a campaign rally in referring to the Tampa Bay Devil Rays.  Not the Rays as they have been known this season.  But to be fair, most folks in the Tampa/St. Pete area don’t know about the name change either.

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These are heady times for sports fans in the Tampa area.   With the NHL Lightning’s season underway and the Rays in the World Series, for the first time ever in October, they get to ignore two local teams at once.

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The New York Yankees and Dallas Cowboys have joined up to form a  company that will provide food, retail and other services at their new stadiums.  And if operations go well, company staff will be free to work for other teams during the postseason.

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There is talk of adding a second NHL team maybe by expansion,  in Toronto, Canada, home of the Maple Leafs.  Hasn’t the city suffered enough?

 

(For all you American readers who aren’t hockey fans, the Maple Leafs are the closest thing Canada has to the Cubs.  Much beloved, and they haven’t won a championship in over 40 years.)

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California Governor Arnold Schwarenegger, who has been assiduously avoiding the presidential campaign, just announced he will go to Columbus, Ohio on Halloween to campaign for Senator McCain.   This way if anyone sees him, Arnold can pretend to be just another guy in a Terminator mask.   

 

 

From Bill Littlejohn:

“Mr. Blackwell, composer of the annual Worst Dressed List, has passed away at age 86.  A football scholarship to the University of Oregon has been established in his name”

(if you are not a Pac-10 fan this may not make sense until you Google pictures.  If you are, no further explanation needed.)

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As we approach Halloween…

October 21, 2008

Most Americans are working on their costumes…
Rumor has it members of the Cincinnati Bengals are planning to come as professional football players.

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Some people like to dress up for Halloween as cheerleaders, athletes, boy or girl scouts, something from their younger lives…. Which is why John McCain is going as a maverick.
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Online bidding went as high as $65,100 per seat for each PSL (personal seat license) for the best seats to New York Jets seats in the new Meadowlands stadium, which is scheduled to open in 2010.  Lucky winners will get to pay $700 per ticket to the games themselves.

The most upset people in New York about these auction prices?  Yankees management, who wonder “Why didn’t we think of this?” 

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A month ago, the Dallas Cowboys were 3-0, and the stock market was over 11,000.  Guess maybe they really are America’s team.

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And John McCain said he just “loves being an underdog.”  Finally, the real reason he picked Sarah Palin.

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Congrats to the Rays…

October 20, 2008

The Tampa Bay Rays, who went from the worst team in baseball in 2007, to the World Series now in 2008 by beating the Boston Red Sox in game seven of the ALCS, 3 to 1.

The save went to rookie David Price, who just last year was pitching for Vanderbilt University.   So I guess the headlines tomorrow “The Price is Right?”

 

Until this year, Tampa was known as the “Devil Rays,” but they dropped “Devil” from their name in the offseason.   Might be one of the most sucessful exorcisms in recent history.

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Coach Mike Krzyzewski, whose Duke team has not won a NCAA basketball championship since 2001, is reportedly considering renaming the team the Duke Blues.

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The Rays had a 2008 payroll of just under $44 million.  For those of you scoring at home,  less than the San Francisco Giants and Los Angeles Dodgers combined to pay Barry Zito, Andruw Jones and Jason Schmidt.

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And for San Francisco area football fans,  the Stanford Cardinal 23-20 lost to UCLA Saturday.  UCLA won the game on a late touchdown drive, helped by four Stanford penalties for 35 yards.  For the game,  the Cardinal was penalized 10 times for 103 yards, including some personal fouls.  No word yet on a rumor that the team will change its colors to silver and black.

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Late night thoughts…

October 18, 2008

What a weird world we live in, when a presidential candidate apologizes to David Letterman for missing a show, but doesn’t apologize to the American public for missing more votes than anyone else in the Senate.

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After weeks of being lampooned by Tina Fey, Sarah Palin showed up in person on Saturday Night Live.  Apparently Joe Biden also inquired about coming to speak on the show sometime,  but NBC informed him that the program only runs for an hour and a half.

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