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Rats!

December 17, 2008

Scientists have found a 11 milion year old rat species still living in the Mekong Delta. The rat apparently was found in an original KFC bucket.

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Penn State football coach Joe Paterno, 82, just signed a three year contract extension. When asked if he thought this was risky, Paterno said, “No, he thought the University would survive the recession.”

(yeah, I know, it’s a variation on an old joke.)

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Also in Pennsylvania, the Phillies signed left-handed pitcher Jamie Moyer, 46, to a two year contract experience. When asked about it, Paterno reportedly replied “Well, they might have given him more years if Jamie had a little more experience.”

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This next joke basically belongs to Alex Kaseberg. I just tweaked it a little bit.

At a Iraq press conference, President Bush had to dodge two shoes thrown at him by a reporter. Apparently the New Iraq Times’ motto is now “All the News thats Foot to Print.”

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Now that Governor Blagojevich has been stopped from selling Obama’s Senate seat, there is talk of a special election in Illinois. So we’ll go back to putting someone in office the old-fashioned way. Buying one vote at a time.

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Actually President Bush is trying to help out. He has suggested that the state of Illinois let each party choose a candidate, but save the money they would have spent on the election.   Then W. will just have the Supreme Court decide.

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Governor Blagojevich still maintains he has done nothing wrong. He says his morals just have a wide stance.

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President elect Barack Obama’s team is not only full of smart people, but also good basketball players. As reported in USA Today, Obama’s high school basketball team won the Hawaii state championship. His education pick Ame Duncan played at Harvard, his future National Security Advisor James Jones played at Georgetown. And UN Ambassador pick Susan Rice and Attorney General pick Eric Holder both played in high school. Oh, and Obama’s personal aide Reggie Love? He played at Duke.

Just what Washington needs, another team that can beat the Wizards.

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The “grandaddy of them all”

December 16, 2008
With so many  games, including the BCS, fans don’t really seem to get college football’s  bowl tradition anymore.  In fact, in a poll of those planning to watch the Rose Bowl between Penn State and USC,  most thought “the grandaddy of them all” referred to Joe Paterno.
 
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Florida Quarterback Tim Tebow didn’t win his expected second Heisman, despite having the most first place votes.  On a brighter note, he did receive a congratulatory phone call from Al Gore.
 
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The Redskins had their playoff hopes dashed Sunday by the lowly Cincinnati Bengals. This was the most embarassing thing to happen in Washington since Saturday.

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An AP headline proclaimed “It’s official, Barack Obama elected 44th president.”  The headline was referring to the fact that 538 electors cast their votes Monday.

Coincidentally, the same headline appeared in a FEMA press release. 

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Silly limerick time.

  • Our prez found himself under attack.
    Dubya almost was hit in the back.
    But how sad but true,
    That those two size 10 shoes
    Were the weapons he found in Iraq

    • –

    And the Feds are thinking of another interest rate cut.   If rates go much lower investors will get back less money than they put in.  Of course, we already have that option, it’s called “Wall Street.”

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    And another tacky alert:

     

    David Paterson’s office accused SNL of taking cheap shots about his disability. Last week’s “Weekend Update skit showed the legally-blind Governor looking confused and disoriented, and often walking in front of the camera when it was not his turn to speak. SNL responded that they would never make fun of Paterson’s eyesight, rather they were spoofing John McCain at the last town hall debate. 
     

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    A losing day for winners…

    December 15, 2008

    The two teams with the NFL’s best records – the Titans and Giants  – both lost Sunday, along with the division leading Cardinals and Broncos.  And the Steelers barely escaped with a win on a controversial touchdown call.

    Most Americans haven’t seen so many high-flyers come down to earth since they opened their last 401K statement.

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    Rumor has it that Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich may resign as early as Monday.  That is, once he negotiates a comfortable fee for his appearance on Court TV.

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    Joe Biden has indicated that despite the fact that he will be a  heartbeat away from running the country, he intends to keep a lower profile than his predecessor.  Besides, he thinks Obama will be a far more competent leader than Cheney was.

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    An Iraqi journalist threw a shoe at George W. Bush, but just missed hitting the President.   Although he was close enough that he will be offered a tryout by the Detroit Lions.

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    An Iraqi man threw his size 10 shoe at President Bush this weekend, but just missed his target.    Fortunately there’s no chance the President will have to worry about shoes thrown by Bozo – due to professional courtesy.

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    President Bush feels confident he will not have to face any shoe attacks back in the U.S.   The way the economy is going, most Americans can no longer afford a backup pair.

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    John McCain would not commit to backing Sarah Palin for the presidency in 2012.  Though in the spirit of bi-partisanship, President-elect Obama said he thinks she would be a great choice as the Republican nominee.

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    The Cleveland Indians just signed a two year deal with Kerry Wood.  Wood said he was happy with his new team, and also promised to be healthy and ready to be injured in spring training.

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    And two great efforts from Nick Coombs:

    An announcement is expected today that the AFL will forgo the 2009 season. This, combined with the recent signs of financial trouble within the WNBA has led ESPN executives to wonder what they are going to do with their ESPN2 3AM lineup.


    –
    How are the New York Giants and the New York Knicks similar?
    Neither team has players that know how to shoot.

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    Something different – airline acronyms…

    December 14, 2008

    Okay, today is something different – airline acronyms.  None of these is original, many have been around for a long time.  And some have outlasted the airlines they stand for.  But most of them are amusing.  I collected them together for a post on Tripso.com and am posting them here.  For holiday enjoyment and cheerful sour grapes while traveling.

    And the post was inspired by a flight attendant who watched several TSA agents doing nothing while a father struggled to get a stroller into the X-Ray machine.    – Her comment “Now you know why they call them “Thousands Standing Around.”

     

    ALITALIA – Always Late in Takeoff – Always Late in Arrival

    BOAC – Better on a Camel

    BA – (British Airways)  Bloody Awful

    Delta –  Directs Everyone’s Luggage to Atlanta

    or  – Doesn’t Ever Leave the Airport.

    or – Don’t Expect Luggage to Arrive

    EL AL – Every Landing, Always Late.

    PAN AM  – Plan on Arriving Nervewracked and Mad

    PSA – Pretty Sad Airline
    SABENA-  Such a Bad Experience, Never Again.

    TACA – Take a Chance Airline

    TAP  Air Portugal  –  Take Another Plane

    TWA – Try Walking Across

    or – Took Wrong Airline

    US Air – Unfortunately, Still Allegheny in Reality

    UTA – Unlikely to Arrive

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    Finally a few nicknames:

    USeless Air or US Scare,  Untied,  Northworst, Southworst, Aeroflop, (and Mapleflop for Air Canada.)

    And one sent in by a Tripso reader.

    “Northwest Airlines has been known as Cobra Airlines, because they could strike at any time.”

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    It’s all in the numbers…

    December 12, 2008

    Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich’s approval numbers are down to eight percent.  Amazing.  Didn’t realize eight percent of Americans were comedy writers.

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    Illinois’s attorney general has asked the state Supreme Court to remove Blagojevich from office by declaring him “unfit to serve.”    Well, that didn’t stop President Bush.  

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    Despite or maybe because of the huge free-agent contracts the Yankees have signed in the last week, the team is asking for another $360 million in bonds from the city of New York for their new stadium.

    Actually, there are a surprising number of comparison between the Yankees and the American auto industry.    They’re both historic, big, and expensive….and neither has had a real winner this decade.

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    A little normalcy during tough times…

    December 12, 2008

    So as our nation goes through a period of incredble uncertainty and economic worries, it’s good to have reminders that some things dont change.  Such as, Terrell Owens is mad at his quarterback again.

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    With Detroit suffering in part from years of just building big fuel-guzzling cars, maybe it’s sadly appropriate that the bailout plan just ran out of gas.

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    The Washington Redskins have managed to win the fan voting for 9 out of 16 positions  for this year’s Pro Bowl.   This might be the only example all year of Americans approving of anything in Washington.

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    The 7-6 Redskins have actually lost four of their last five games.  Well, the Cowboys have long been known as America’s team, maybe the Redskins are America’s economic team.

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    Ken Mink of Roane State Community College is at 73, the country’s oldest college basketball player.  Apparently the septuagenarian guard honed his skills as a youth playing pickup games with Greg Oden.

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    Texas Tech quarterback Graham Harrell leads in most passing statistics this year, but did not get an invitation to the Heisman ceremony this weekend.   Despite his having better numbers than the three quarterbacks who did.

    Well, he might not get the Heisman, but he could get the Al Gore award.

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    Now that Illinois Governor Blagojevich has been stopped from selling Barack Obama’s senate seat, they are breathing a sigh of relief up in Alaska that Ted Stevens lost this November.  Though to be fair,  Sarah Palin was just going to put his seat up on Ebay.

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    Silver linings for some!

    December 11, 2008

    Well,  one silver lining in the Blagojevich scandal.  The most embarrassing thing in Illinois is no longer the Cubs.

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    What’s the difference between New York and Illinois?   In New York the GOVERNOR paid to play.

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    And who knew…not only is he now not the most embarrassing governor of the decade, Eliot Spitzer isn’t even the most embarrassing governor of the year.

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    Of course, the silver lining in California is that it no longer looks quite so embarrassing  just to have elected another movie actor.

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    Ah for the good old days, when inmates in prison wrote letters asking “Pardon me Governor?”  Now they are more likely to ask “Pardon me,  weren’t you the Governor?”

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    After commenting publicly on how much he wanted to play near his home in California, C C Sabathia took the big money and signed with the Yankees.  Besides, he realized he still would probably have Octobers off.

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    Rod Blagojevich… who else….

    December 10, 2008

    Governor Rod Blagojevich may have set new standards for political stupidity.  Even Larry Craig said “What were you THINKING?”

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    To save time, the gubernatorial oath in Illinois may now start with the words “Will the defendant please rise.”

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    Amazingly,  Blagojevich ran for Governor promising to clean up state government.   Isn’t that like  if John Edwards ran for president promising to restore White House family values?

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    With an assist and inspiration from Alex Kaseberg  –   Interestingly,  the governor had said “Go ahead, tap my phones.”    Apparently Blagojevich is a Serbian word meaning “stupidest political crook ever.”

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    There’s a new bi-partisan spirit in Illinois.  Apparently Blagojevich may end up sharing a cell with his predecessor,  former Republican George Ryan.

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    Of course down in Louisiana they are shaking their heads and saying “Amateurs…”

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    Governor Blagojevich is accused of trying to sell Barack Obama’s senate seat to the highest bidder.  The cynical thought,  while we try to dig the country out of this recession, maybe we should sell ALL the seats in Congress to the highest bidders?  It would raise some money, and how much worse could we do?

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    President George W. Bush now says of the Iraq war “I wish the intelligence had been different.”  Isn’t that like Sylvester Stallone trying to distance himself from the Rambo movies by saying “I wish the script had been different?”

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    Of course, regarding the Bush presidency, many Americans just wish HIS intelligence had been different.   And ours, in voting to re-elect him.

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    Major League Baseball wants to eliminate coin flips in deciding where to play tie-breaker games.    I suppose they want to use something less controversial…like BCS computers?

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    Viable enterprises…

    December 9, 2008

    Congress is still unsure on bailing out Detroit,  because they want to be sure that taxpayer money will be spent on a “viable” enterprise.  On the other hand, even after he picked Sarah Palin,  John McCain  still received federal campaign financing.

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    President Bush said of the bailout “These are important companies, but on the other hand, we just don’t want to put good money after bad.”  Besides, isn’t that what he thinks Iraq is for?

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    Notre Dame accepted an invitation to the Hawaii Bowl.  Guess it was the best way to make sure their team wouldn’t be hit again by their own fans’ snowballs.

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    The Golden State Warriors finally found a cure for their nine game losing streak.  It’s called “Playing the Oklahoma City Thunder.”

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    Endangered species?

    December 8, 2008

    President Bush has been taking some criticism for all the species he has tried to take off the Endangered Species list.  In his defense, think of all those he has added- like the middle class.

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    As the Green Bay Packers lost to the Houston Texans (!),  Packers fans muttered about what would have happened if Aaron Rodgers was Brett Favre.  But then as the New York Jets lost to the San Francisco 49ers, perhaps some of them realized, Brett Favre is no longer Brett Favre.

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    Bad news, good news…

    December 7, 2008

    Bad news today for the University of Washington, where the Huskies just completed an 0-12 season.  Good news,  the 0-12 season is over.  Detroit Lions fans are wondering how they apply for Pac 10 membership.

    Bad news in November,  in that the number of Americans who do not have jobs, but who are  now not even  looking for work,  skyrocketed.  Good news, that number will soon include President Bush.

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    And why Americans want a college playoff system and don’t trust the BCS, example 354, (at least).  Okay, so today the number 1 ranked team – Alabama – played number 2, – Florida, but Florida was favored, and won.  Then number 4, Oklahoma, played number 12 Missouri, and won.  Number 3 Texas was idle.

    And the BCS is proudly proclaiming that they have the teams they expected in the national championship…. both with one loss.    And the only Division 1 undefeated teams, Utah and Boise State?  Nowhere in sight.   (Not to mention Penn State, USC  and Texas Tech, also one loss teams, out of the running.)   If Barack Obama had run on a college football playoff platform no telling how big the landslide might have been.

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    Not so happy holidays…

    December 6, 2008

    According to a recent USA Today poll,  80 percent of Americans said they have had a holiday gathering ruined by a relative.   The other 20 percent said they couldn’t answer because their mother was listening.

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    Barack Obama is trying to help Hillary Clinton retire her campaign debt.  Though these days maybe Hillary would have better luck if she called it a bailout.

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    It is a weird world when “only” $15 billion is considered almost chump change…

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    Now that Hillary Clinton is moving to the nation’s capital, how long until she announces that in her heart she really has been a Washington Nationals fan?

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    O.J. Simpson will spend at least nine years in prison for his armed robbery conviction, giving him plenty of time to reflect.  Especially about the fact he didn’t try to steal his stuff back in Los Angeles.

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    The chairman of the Chicago Cubs said the franchise should be sold by next spring.  Which means the new owners will get to have a full season to be disappointed.

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    Greg Maddux, one of the winningest pitchers of all time, despite never having overpowering stuff, has announced his retirement.  He decided it was time when his fastball could no longer rattle glass.

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    Previously undefeated Ball State lost to Buffalo in a shocking upset in the Mid American Conference football championship game.   Of course, to most casual  fans the biggest shock was that Ball State had a football team, let alone that they were undefeated.

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    Oklahoma City basically stole their new NBA team from Seattle.  But how long until the Oklahoma fans beg some other city to steal their Thunder?

     

     

    l

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    3D football…

    December 5, 2008

    The Oakland Raiders were featured in the NFL’s first 3D televised game Thursday night.  Who knew?  The 3 apparently stood for Oakland’s win total.  The D apparently stood for dreadful.

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    The Oakland Raiders were trounced 34-7 by the San Diego Chargers Thursday night, making them 0-10 for their last primetime games.

    On the brighter side, the Raiders’ season video has been optioned as an NBC sitcom.

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    Apparently linebacker Anthony Pierce will now be testifying against teammate Plaxico Burress in his gun case.  Burress thought Pierce had his back. This is what is known as blown coverage.

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    Plaxico Burress’s friend and teammate Anthony Pierce will now be testifying against him. Apparently  the police gave Pierce six to ten good reasons for testifying.

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    For the third time in a year, federal prosecutors have rewritten their indictment against Barry Bonds for perjury, this time dropping four counts of lying to a grand jury.  Isn’t it great in this economy to actually watch our tax dollars at work? 

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    Some Democrats are already criticizing Barack Obama for not getting more involved in the economic crisis, although he won’t be sworn in for over six weeks.    Even Elizabeth Taylor had honeymoons that lasted longer than this.

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    Desperation…

    December 4, 2008

    So at this point Detroit automakers say they will do anything for a bailout….  Anything except actually making cars Americans want to buy.

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    Bill Clinton said this week that he would “stay out of Hillary’s way.”  Isn’t that what he’s been trying to do for most of their marriage?

     

    Protesting a bit too much?

    The New York Giants issued a 425 word statement denying that they tried to cover up Plaxico Burress accidentally shooting himself.   425 words?   The Gettysburg Address was only 272!

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    One line from the statement  – “No one from the Giants had any involvement with any decision by the hospital concerning its reporting requirements relating to gunshot wounds,” said Pat Hanlon, vice president of communications.    No comment. 

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    The whole incident generates a  potential followup to the question “How do pro athletes get so many DUI’s when they could easily afford personal drivers?”   As in,  “If you are a real NFL star isn’t someone in your posse supposed to be carrying the gun for you?”

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    Quite a night in New York.  Rockefeller Center lit up their Christmas tree, and then the Cleveland Cavaliers lit up the Knicks.   (Final score  – Cavaliers 118, Knicks 82)

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    The Washington Redskins are clinging to playoff hopes after a disappointing month has left them 7-5.  On the brighter side, they may end up with more wins than the Wizards.

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    Thursday night’s NFL matchup features the 4-8 San Diego Chargers against the 3-9 Oakland Raiders.  Was this game sponsored by America’s malls?  Because it just might make most men in America throw up their hands and go Christmas shopping.

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    The San Francisco Giants will experiment with yield management and market pricing next year, by holding out 2,000 seats where the price will fluctuate as game day approaches, and according to supply and demand.  Thus unused seats could end up deeply discounted. 

    The Los Angeles Dodgers are studying the idea.  Their modification might be to sell seats twice, since they have so many unused after the seventh inning.

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    Crisis management?

    December 3, 2008

    Former Oakland football coach Lane Kiffin, now hired as the new head coach at the University of Tennessee said that being with the “dysfunctional” Raiders was valuable experience.  And that “you can’t go to school and learn crisis management like going there.”

    Of course, by that token the most learned people in American have worked in the Bush administration.

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    Automotive companies CEOs are driving their own companies’ cars this week to Washington on their second trip to ask for loans and bailouts.   Which is a nice PR move…but if it catches on?

    Just wait until the airline companies need bailouts,  their executives will keep Congress waiting for hours.   And I can already hear the excuses about lost files in luggage.

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    Executives from all of the Big Three automakers will drive their own hybrids to Washington.  Many in Congress think this second bid is too little too late.  Just like Detroit starting to make hybrids.-

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    More BCS madness.  The system was created to avoid controversy and confusion in choosing college football’s top teams.    So in the Big 12 title game, where the winner goes on to the national championship game,  the North division champion  Missouri will go against the as-determined-by-the-BCS South Division champion,  Oklahoma.    Texas, with an identical 11-1 record, barely lost out.

    Oh and that one Oklahoma loss?  To Texas. 

    To err is human, to really screw things up requires a BCS.

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    There’s a new Plaxico Burress cocktail.  Just one very expensive shot.

     

     

     

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    Madam secretary…

    December 2, 2008

    (Apologies if you see another post off  to the side, having some technical difficulties.)

     

    With Hillary Clinton nominated as Barack Obama’s secretary of state, there are rumors her husband Bill will be chosen to take her place in the Senate. 

    Former President Clinton was at first leery of the idea.  Aides advised him that with the demands of the Senate, he would have to spend most of his time in Washington, instead of traveling with his wife.  And Bill said… well, now that I think about it….”

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    Bill Clinton said that before he would accept the New York Senate seat he would need three things:  Chuck Shumer’s support, Michael Bloomberg’s cooperation, and Eliot Spitzer’s rolodex.

     

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    A recent study showed that the British are the most promiscuous people in the world in terms of one-night stands.  And Bill Clinton asked Barack Obama, “Say, have you filled that position as Ambassador to the United Kingdom yet?”

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    GMAC, the financing arm of General Motors, has tightened credit to the point that only buyers with excellent credit can get loans.  So basically GM couldn’t get financing to buy their own cars.

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    If convicted Plaxico Burress of the New York Giants faces at least a 3 1/2 year sentence for carrying an illegal firearm after he accidentally shot himself with his own gun at a Manhattan nightclub.  Though a good lawyer might be able to get him paroled to the Lions.
     
    Actually carrying the gun wasn’t apparently the problem, dropping it was…
     
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    Wonder what Burress’s defense will be, that he didn’t expect to be going to the nightclub, and was on this way to the airport?
     
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    On the brighter side, if this NFL thing doesn’t work out, Burress has been offered a job working security for Dick Cheney.
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    The definition of a recession is negative growth in the economy for at least two quarters. Now economists say that the United States is definitely in a recession, and has been so for a year. 
    So where did all these economists come from?  FEMA?
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    President Bush said last weekend that he wants history to see him as a “liberator of millions.”    For starters,  he liberated millions of Americans from voting Republican.
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    This year’s Cyber Monday featured all kinds of items with prices slashed 50 percent or more.  Including stocks.
     

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    Any given Saturday night, or Sunday.

    December 1, 2008

    Troubled New York Giants wide receiver Plaxico Burress, already unable to play due to a hamstring injury, accidentally shot himself in the thigh Saturday night while at a New York nightclub.

    It’s a shame Burress isn’t a member of the Buffalo Bills or the bullet would have missed “wide right.”

    –

    A bit of explanation for all non-college football junkies regarding yesterday’s post.  The BCS bowl system is so messed up that the University of Texas, who finished in second place in their own division of the Big 12, could yet end up playing in the BCS national championship game if the division winner, Oklahoma, loses in the Big 12 final next week… thus leading to the next joke.

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    The University of Texas, runner up in the South division of the Big 12, could yet end up national champions if Oklahoma, the team that defeated them, stumbles in the league championship round.  And Hillary Clinton wonders — is it too late to have the BCS run the Democratic party?

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    The San Francisco 49ers upset the Buffalo Bills Sunday to move their record to 4-8.  Amazing.  With two more wins they could be Division 1 Bowl eligible.

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    Bowl controversy series?

    November 30, 2008

    So for anyone who needs one sentence to sum up the BCS mess, here it is:

    This season, a team could win the national championship game, and not even win their own conference.

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    This year Alabama is undefeated, but could lose to Florida next week.  Florida, Oklahoma, Texas Tech, Penn State, and USC all have only one loss.  And Ball State, Utah and Boise State, all Division 1 teams, are also undefeated.   So why was the BCS created, besides of course money?

    To resolve situations when more than one team could claim to be number one. 

    Yeah, that’s working out real well.

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    The Golden State Warriors lost to the New York Knicks 138-125 Saturday night.  The Knicks had actually scored 82 points at the HALF!  

    Warriors coach Don Nelson reviewed the game tapes with plans to criticize his team’s defense.  But he found insufficient evidence.

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    Barack Obama is not only planning to name Hillary Clinton his Secretary of State, he has reinstated Samantha Powers on his foreign policy team.

    Wonder if this means the State Department will be known as Monsters Inc?.

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    Senator Joe Lieberman will keep his committee chairmanship and remain in the Democratic caucus, despite his maddening peformance this year.   But at this point Barack Obama and the party have decided it would be too costly to let him go. 

    Making Joe sort of the Charlie Weiss of the Democratic party.

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    Notre Dame followed their embarrassing upset by Syracuse at home, with a complete thrashing by USC in the Los Angeles Coliseum.  The game, in fact, ended up keeping the Trojans’ slim national championship hopes alive.  Well, at least the Fighting Irish got to play before a crowd that was thrilled to see them.

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    White House Chores….

    November 29, 2008

    A lot will be changing in the White House next year, especially with Barack Obama bringing his two young daughters to Washington.  And the president-elect has announced that Malia and Sasha WILL continue to do their chores.  Which means, unlike George W, they will have to clean up their own messes.

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    Former Raiders coach Lane Kiffin will apparently be the next coach of the Tennessee Volunteers.   The university staff watched Raiders game tapes and decided that Kiffin definitely had experience coaching a team at the SEC level. 

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    And for his part, after working with Al Davis,  Kiffin decided if he was going to deal with sophomoric behavior, that it might as well involve some real sophomores.

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    Black Friday was a disappointing day for many high end stores this year.  And their biggest disappointment ?  The RNC is no longer shopping for Sarah Palin.

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    Post turkey…

    November 28, 2008

    Edna Parker, the world’s oldest woman , died this week at the age of 115.   Apparently she had been heartbroken about that  “nice young man” John McCain losing the presidency..

     

    The NFL featured three games on Thanksgiving.  Eagles fans are thankful Donovan McNabb is back, Cowboys fans are thankful to see their team’s hot streak continue, and Lions fans are thankful there are only four weeks left in the season.
     

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    The  Olympic modern pentathlon” will now be reduced to four events.  And President Bush said “Well, I’m glad they finally got that right.”

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    The White House accidentally sent out Hanukkah cards with Christmas trees and wreathes on them.  It could be worse, President Bush had originally wanted them to read “Happy Passover.”

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    Mets fans are not thrilled with the name of their new stadium, which is scheduled to be known as Citi Field.    Some just think it is inappropriate, others think that any bailout should have included thee Mets bullpen.

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