Left Coast Sports Babe

Anthony Smith of the Pittsburgh Steelers is guaranteeing a win against the unbeaten Miami Dolphins Sunday.   Sort of     He said. “Yeah, I can guarantee a win. As long as we come out and do what we got to do. Both sides of the ball are rolling, and if
our special teams come through for us, we’ve got a good chance to win.”

Well, if this football thing doesn’t work out he has a great future at the Pentagon.

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University of Florida football player Jermaine Cunningham was arrested Wednesday and charged with misdemeanor battery for allegedly hitting a restaurant employee with a sandwich.   Good thing he didn’t use a Double Bacon Cheese Whopper,  or he could have been charged with manslaughter.
 

Since it is only 30 days to the Iowa Caucuses….

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So Hillary Clinton has been criticizing Barack Obama
for being ambitious.

Isn’t that like Bill Clinton criticizing Rudy Giuliani
for being a bad husband.

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And the Clinton campaign is complaining that Obama’s
campaign is trying to convince students to come back
to school early for the Iowa caucuses.

So what’s worse, moving back to a dorm where you live
most of the year to vote for president.

Or moving to a state where you have never lived to run
for senator?

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President Bush now wants  to become a peacemaker in the Middle East.   Isn’t that about as likely as John Edwards becoming the spokesman for Supercuts?

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And back to sports.

Travis Henry had his one year NFL  suspension for a positive drug  test overturned.  Did they consider it a mitigating circumstance that he had to feed his families?

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And while he is on a roll, Henry might see if he can get some of those nine paternity tests thrown out too. 

Who wrote a great Sunday column about the lies sports figures tell, and what they really mean in parentheses….  Some follow up lies and truths. 

 (This column graciously  approved by Scott Ostler too.)

We certainly respect our 0-10 opponent this week and
the team is very focused.  They know we can’t take
anything for granted.  (Are you kidding, the team is
focused on their video games and stock portfolios this
week, the guys we cut in the summer could beat these
losers.)

We never take any opponent for granted. (We take a lot
of opponents for granted.)

We are thrilled to have our wives and children with us
on the road this week. (Our girlfriends, however, are
not so happy.  Hey, anyone have the number of Kobe’s
jeweler?)

We are thrilled to be in the “fill-in-the-blank” Bowl.  (We were
shafted.)

We are thrilled to be in the Rose Bowl. (Yeah, okay so
we took ONE lousy opponent for granted. They couldn’t
even beat Notre Dame for gawdsake.)

We are thrilled to have signed “fill-in-the-blank” and hope he will blossom in the cleanup role. (Ownership wouldn’t spend the money to get anyone
decent, be prepared for a lot of 3-1 losses.)

We have high hopes for our young players. (They’re all
we could afford.)

We didn’t want to break up the team chemistry. (We
couldn’t get any decent free agents and no one wanted
to trade with us.)

So USC has to “settle” for the Rose Bowl, in a year that the Trojans thought they would be playing for the National Championship.

Seems they forgot a BCS cardinal rule…

Better Crush Stanford.

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Two other quick bowl thoughts:

Will plays that are overturned on review during the A T and T Cotton Bowl be referred to as “dropped calls?”

Why is the Papajohns.com Bowl scheduled at 1pm?  (10:00am on the West Coast.)  Instead of in the evening when people are more likely to order pizza?

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Dr. Robert Cade, the inventor of Gatorade, died last week at the age of 80.    While it began simply as a sports drink, Gatorade became even more famous as a beverage to be poured over the winning coach.   Or so the Miami Dolphins have heard.

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So 2005 American Idol finalist Jessica Serra was arrested Saturday morning  at a bar in Florida.  She was charged of disorderly intoxication,  resisting arrest and violating conditions of her parole from an earlier incident involving cocaine.

She may not have become  an American Idol,  but looks like she is well on her way to becoming Britney Spears.

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So the Idaho Statesman now says they have eight other men who claim either that they had sex with  Larry Craig, or that he made advances towards them.   Wonder if the story was titled “Eight Men Out?”

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The Midwest was hit with its first really bad storm of the season.  In fact, people say it was the iciest conditions since Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama were last in the same room

Rank him #2 in the BCS

Motorcyle stuntman Evel Knievel died today at the age of 69.  One of the first men in history to try to scatter his ashes by himself.  

Penn State has accepted a bid to travel to the Alamo Bowl in San Antonio. 

Which is appropriate, because Joe Paterno is one of the few coaches who actually does “Remember the Alamo!”

While digging the site for the aquatic center for the 2012 Olympics in London, workers  have apparently unearthed some Iron Age artifacts dating as far back as the year 330.

These artifacts include pottery, a Roman coin, and tickets to a Rolling Stones concert.

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Raiders coach Lane Kiffen has apparently been getting some interest from NCAA football teams looking to replace their head coaches.  And why not, he’s young, energetic, and has solid experience this year dealing with college-level talent.

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Regarding this sanctuary city argument, perhaps it’s best to have a little compassion for people in unhappy and pathetic situations.    And besides, it would be cruel now for Madison Square Garden to serve an eviction notice to the Knicks.

In Los Angeles, USC is negotiating to move their football home games from Memorial Coliseum to the Rose Bowl.  Guess if the Trojans are going to make a habit
of losing to teams like Stanford, it’s the only way they can guarantee to play there.

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Arizona kicker Neil Rackers apologized for hitting an NFL Films camera with his helmet after the Cardinals loss to the 49ers last Sunday.   Rackers had just missed a potential game winning field goal.

Apparently after Stanford went  0 for 4 in field goal attempts in their loss to Notre Dame, their kicker also swung his helmet at a cameraman, but he missed wide right.

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In the Republican presidential debate Wednesday night, Mike Huckabee suggested sending Hillary Clinton to Mars.  Later, Barack Obama and John Edwards issued a joint statement – “Who says this election has no bipartisan proposals?” 

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Many Republicans worried in advance that their aging candidates wouldn’t be ready for a YouTube debate.   Actually, it went pretty well, though there was one embarrassing moment when Romney  arrived and asked if it would be possible to have an album autographed by lead singer Bono for one of his sons.

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And who said Democrats are the big spenders?  Rudy Giuliani is fighting allegations that he billed taxpayers for the cost of bringing  his security detail to a resort with his then mistress,  Judith Nathan.    Say what you will about Bill Clinton, but for his trysts, the Secret Service agents didn’t have to even travel outside the White House.

To help celebrate their 50th year in Los Angeles, the Dodgers are entering their first float in the Rose Parade.  And fans have an opportunity to buy tickets for a special Dodgers grandstand. Presumably the grandstand will open one hour after the parade starts, and close 45 minutes before it is over.

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Kerry Wood just signed a $4.2 million contract with the Cubs.  Wood said he is happy to remain in Chicago, and plans to be rested and ready to be injured in Spring Training.

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President Bush has decided he wants to facilitate peace in the Mideast.  Isn’t that like Rudy Giuliani deciding he wants to be a marriage counselor?

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And John Edwards has announced he will support the Writers Guild strike.  His rallying cry – “No new haircut jokes.”

So tonight’s Monday Night Football featured the Miami Dolphins against the Pittsburgh Steelers  Hours in the rain and mud and a final score of 3-0.  There hasn’t been such a low scoring sloppy mess in primetime since the last Presidential debate.

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And in yet another example of what’s wrong with the US Bowl system, the Cincinnati Bearcats, 9-3 and ranked in the top 25, will likely go to a lousy low-paying bowl because the team’s success is so new that bowl organizers don’t know how many fans will travel and buy tickets. 

Come on, if the only criteria was fans showing up, then a team like Notre Dame would be in a major bowl almost every year, no matter how lousy they were.  Oh, right….

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More about “Enchanted.”  There is a nice scene where the Princess does a major cleanup in New York with the help of local vermin.   But surprisingly, Bernard Kerik wasn’t even involved.

The BCS favors big name teams from big time
conferences, so that instead of a the playoff most
college fans want, the networks usually get marquee
matchups.   And this year – the likely challengers
in the National Championship?  Missouri-West Virginia.
 
The odds of a playoff system look better and better.

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What a fall,  though.  A two time loser has a chance
to  win it all.  But enough about Rudy Giuliani.

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Thanksgiving not only marks the beginning of the
shopping season, but also a time for Americans to
focus on holiday charity.  Was it in that spirit,
the  Arizona Cardinals gave a game to the 49ers?

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Alex Rodriguez and the Yankees are reportedly putting
the finishing touches on a contract that includes
bonuses for reaching home run milestones.  Presumably
double bonuses if he hits a milestone during the NBA
finals, the Stanley Cup finals, or the day of the NFL
draft.

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Disney’s “Enchanted”,  about a princess with a
tiara who ends up in Manhattan, had a great opening
weekend at the box office. This despite all the New
Yorkers who stayed away thinking it was the Judith
Nathan story.

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And Hillary Clinton continues to spar with Barack
Obama over the experience issue.  But hey, if time
spent in the Oval Office is the best qualification for
being President, shouldn’t Monica Lewinsky be running
instead?  

Notre Dame 21 – Stanford 14.    Notre Dame lost three fumbles,  Stanford missed four field goals.   Penalties, missed tackles and dropped passes abounded.  But good news,  although this game was shown nationally on ESPN, next year’s game has already received interest from Comedy Central.

On Friday,  LSU joined the sizable ranks of number one and two ranked NCAA football teams who have been upset in 2007.

Any truth to the rumor that President Bush called all the losing coaches before their games and told them they were “doing a heck of a job”?

Today President Bush was asked about his traditional pardon of the turkey.  His reply, “I did not pardon him, I simply commuted his sentence.”

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And – if you hate puns stop reading now –

Will people across the United States who log off their computers and stop reading email for the holiday feel like they are going cold turkey?

Without them, all aspiring comedy writers would have a little less material…

 In fact,  forget the West Coast offense.  The 49ers are now employing the Loch Ness offense.    No one has solid proof it exists.

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And after watching their formerly #2 team lose 5 of their last 6 games,  Cal fans can be thankful that their hearts are sure not to be broken this weekend.  The Bears have a bye week.

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Brett Favre is hinting that he might postpone his retirement again and play in 2008.   Even Cher is saying, “Enough already.”

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When Lloyd Carr announced his retirement, his players reportedly gave him a standing ovation.   Big deal, if Charlie Weis announces HIS retirement the whole  town of South Bend will give him a ticker tape parade.

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A recent poll showed that Hillary Clinton was the  2008 Democratic presidential  candidate that voters would most like to have a guest for Thanksgiving dinner.  Though apparently there was a glitch.  Many voters thought the poll asked who they would most like to have SERVED for Thanksgiving dinner.

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And Hillary was asked how she felt about Thanksgiving dinner.  She said she felt that eating turkey made sense but that didn’t mean she would do it.

Has to go to Nick Saban, who compared his Crimson Tide’s humiliating loss to Louisiana-Monroe to 9/11.   Saying the team “must respond like America did from a ‘catastrophic event.'”

 Well, if Coach Saban is asked to leave Alabama after this  mediocre season, at least he has a job waiting with the Guiliani campaign.

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And maybe the real reason A-Rod is coming back to New York?  Of all the big market teams after him, the Yankees might be the least likely to put him in a position to fail in another World Series.

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And any frustrated NFL fans –  read,  people in San Francisco, Oakland, Miami etc – who might be turning their attention to the CFL.

The Winnipeg Blue Bombers have made it to the Grey
Cup against the Saskatchewan Rough Riders.   But  without their star quarterback after Kevin Glenn was injured in the East Division final.

Considering the fact, however,  that Vinny Testaverde is doing a  competent job for the NFL Panthers, perhaps Winnipeg should see if Doug Flutie is available?

(Background for all non-CFL fans, the Grey Cup is the Canadian Super Bowl equivalent.  And Kevin Glenn has had the league’s best quarterback rating until he broke his arm last weekend.)

New Oxymoron   – Touchdown, 49ers! 

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Wonder who tuned into Notre Dame (1-9) against Duke (1-9)  last Saturday.  Apparently in an effort to boost ratings NBC titled the broadcast “The Biggest Losers.”

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38 year old Brett Favre led his Green Bay Packers over 44 year old Vinny Testaverde and the Carolina Panthers.    Which was a blow for those of us who feel age and treachery will overcome youth and skill.  

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President Bush has attacked the Democrats for their policy of  “tax and spend.”  As opposed to his policy – “don’t tax, spend anyway.”

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So Hillary Clinton’s opponents are really attacking hard these days.  In fact, there is a rumor her fellow Dems are trying to get her ranked #2 in the BCS.

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And CNN is facing heat from telling a college student to ask Hillary if she preferred diamonds or pearls.  Mostly from Bill Clinton who said “Don’t give her any ideas, I’m still paying off for Monica.”

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While Barry Bonds is indicted for perjury, how about the Dolphins, who say on their website that they are an NFL team?

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And (all conservatives can stop  reading now.)…

While we are indicting for perjury, isn’t there a record somewhere of President Bush  saying he would ” preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States?” 

Pete Rose was asked if he thought Barry Bonds would be convicted of perjury.  His response “I wouldn’t bet on it.”