Posted tagged ‘Ohio State jokes’

Saturday Night Late.

October 2, 2011

Anyone have a clue what’s with SNL and the Lawrence Welk spoofs? Do they figure the only people who still regularly find the show funny are old enough to remember the original?

Stanford beat UCLA tonight in football, 45 to 19. In a game that starte at 745p. 1045p EST. Just in time maybe for the opening kickoff return to make the late night east coast news. All hail America’s true God – television.

The game finished just before 2am. EST. Presumably just in time for the first NFL pre-game show.

Barry Sanders, Jr, (yes, the son of the NFL Hall of Famer), is considering several universities where he might play college football. The leading candidates are apparently Oklahoma State, Florida State, Alabama, Arkansas, Auburn and Stanford. Of course, Stanford can offer Sanders one thing the other schools can’t – actual classes.

Another week, another heartbreaking collapse in the fourth quarter for Texas A & M. Who’s coaching this team? Lebron James?

A guy known as “Ben” is appearing on a Style Network reality show called “Sperm Donor,” where he told his fiance he may have fathered as many as 70 biological children. Responded a few anonymous NBA players – “Amateur.”

Looks like there may be a silver lining to Ohio State’s 2011 season. This year the Buckeyes won’t have any big-time bowl memorabilia to sell.

Now of course, OSU may right the ship. But if not, it could be a good rivalry game this year for the folks in Ann Arbor. Wonder how many headline writers are just itching to write “Wolverines tattoo Buckeyes.”

Kobe Bryant is apparently negotiating seriously to play in Italy next year. Presumably his wife will insert a clause saying the team must house him somewhere without room service.

Does NBA now stand for “No Basketball Anticipated?”

The FBI and Dept. of Homeland security are warning that our killing of U.S.-born militant cleric Anwar al-Awlaki, could spark retaliatory attacks. Uh, since Al-Qaeda’s stated objective is to kill Americans, this is different from standard operating procedure how?

At a fundraiser in N.H, Rick Perry said he is open to sending American troops to Mexico to help battle drug cartels. Can’t imagine where Perry gets his reputation for shooting off his mouth without thinking.

Although he insists he’s not entering the race for President, New Jersey Chris Christie is the latest hope for many in the GOP. It’s all become like watching a reality TV show titled “Who wants to be a Republican presidential candidate?”

Sarah Palin called Herman Cain the “flavor of the month.” Last night on the “Tonight Show,” Cain cheerfully proclaimed himself “Haagan-Daas Black Walnut,” saying he has “”substance.” Maybe, but many people’s experience with Haagan-Daas is that it’s rich, looks good, seems like a great idea at first, but then after finishing it you think, “Ugh, why did I do that?”

Opening night.

September 9, 2011

The NFL opened their season Thursday night. Although the Saints-Packers was hardly the first professional game of the year. The Canadian Football League has been going since July, and Ohio State and Miami kicked off last week.

Some derided President Obama for his choice to finish his jobs speech in time for the NFL opener. But Barack didn’t think he could get re-elected with just the women’s vote.

The NFL is now directing all teams to post out-of-town statistics on their scoreboards for Fantasy Football players. Guess they want fans in Carolina to be able to go to the stadium and hope to see SOME good news.

San Diego is completely without power tonight. So for Padres fans, it’s business as usual.

Ohio State explained today why three football players were suspended for the opening game against Akron: They each took $200 at a Cleveland charity event. Responded the Miami Hurricanes -“$200? Wow. Buckeye boosters are pikers.”

So if the Pac 12 turns into the Pac 16, how long before the West Coast members consider breaking away to form their own Pac 8?

A Mississippi man was arrested for shoplifting while trying to leave a grocery store with items stuffed into his shorts including two live lobsters. Wonder if he was caught because he was singing soprano?

(My friend Bill Dwan adds – could be worse, he could have had crabs.)

Ben and Jerry’s have come out with a new flavor – “Schweddy Balls,” named after the famous SNL skit with Alec Baldwin.

Insert “More than a mouthful” joke here: (And of course, other punchlines always encouraged.)

Michele Bachman stated she felt she felt “deeply disappointed” by the president’s jobs speech and said Congress should avoid passing his plan. Fair enough, but does anyone doubt that she wrote her response before Obama wrote his speech?

(Meanwhile, no response yet from Sarah Palin. Maybe she couldn’t read the writing on her palms.)

As the NFL season gets underway, there’s a new favorite in the AFC South. The Houston Texans. By a neck.

Okay, we all know how valuable Peyton Manning has been. But what if he turns out to have been so valuable that the Colts end up the worst team in the NFL this year…. Do they go for Andrew Luck?

I probably differ with many Democrats in that I liked California Governor Jerry Brown’s veto of a proposed helmet law for children skiing or snowboarding. His reasoning, that while it’s a good idea, “Not every human problem deserves a law.”

Just wish that some conservatives applauding the decision would apply the same standards to issues of perceived “morality.” (Gay marriage for starters, but the list goes on.)

Tiger who?

August 12, 2011

Tiger Woods shot a 77 Thursday and is danger of missing the PGA tournament cut. At this point Tiger’s media attention to success ratio is approaching that of the New York Mets.

During the PGA first round Thursday, Tiger Woods spent so much time in the sand and the water, his next gig could be an audition for one of those Corona beer on the beach commercials.

NFL league officials say they haven’t yet made a decision on whether former Ohio State QB Terrelle Pryor will be eligible for the supplemental draft. I’m not sure Pryor gets it, he allegedly offered the officials “some really cool Sugar Bowl memorabilia.”

The latest potential college football conference consolidation may have Texas A & M moving to the SEC. (Southeastern Conference) Well, I guess College Station is kinda sorta Southeast Texas. Well, east anyway. And south of Dallas.

from Bill Littlejohn regarding the same Texas A & M/SEC rumor: “Aggie enthusiasts are just waiting for ratification of the new SEC booster-player Collective Bargaining Agreement”

There’s already controversy over the ESPN-owned “Longhorn Network,” which will premiere August 26 with continuous coverages of University of Texas sports. Well, at least the new channel will be more honestly named than ESPN itself, which this time of year is basically the “Yankees-Red Sox Network.”

Whatever you think of “entitlements,” this week with the stock markets might be a good time to remember George W. Bush wanted to privatize social security.

Some compare the stock market to a roller coaster. Although stock markets have brakes.

You really can’t make this stuff up. Mitt Romney, answering a heckler in Iowa. “Corporations are people, my friend… of course they are. Everything corporations earn ultimately goes to the people.” (Well, some of the people anyway.)

If “corporations are people.” Can I incorporate myself and drive in the carpool lane?

The PGA tournament first round leader is actually the #2 ranked American golfer in the world. Yeah, I didn’t know his name either.’

Florida Atlantic (and former Miami) football coach Howard Schnellenberger, 77, has announced he will retire from coaching after this season. Responded Joe Paterno. “So young?”


In response to a petition urging Bert and Ernie to get married, the Sesame Street producers issued a statement saying “they are just good friends.” Amazed Marcus Bachmann hasn’t issued a followup statement claiming credit

And for anyone who has heard all the “sexist” claims about Michele Bachmann being asked about “submitting to her husband,” there’s a bit of history being left out of some stories.

In 2006, Bachmann said in a speech that her husband Marcus told her “to go and get a post-doctorate degree in tax law.” Which she didn’t particularly want to do, but she was certain God was speaking through her husband.

“Why should I go and do something like that?” she recalled thinking. “But the Lord says, ‘Be submissive wives; you are to be submissive to your husbands.'”

Wonder if Bachmann will fall back on Newt Gingrich’s line from earlier this year – “Any ad which quotes what I said is a falsehood.”

Pay for performance?

August 6, 2011

The U.S economy still sputters and our credit rating gets dropped to AA+. So when will all those in Congress who want to tie teacher pay to performance agree to make the same deal with their own salaries and results?

The Senate passed a stop-gap bill to put furloughed FAA employees back to work. No word yet on if the bill includes funding for milk and cookies for controllers at naptime.

Ohio State football players have been told to stop wearing wristbands saying “J.T.” in support of fired coach Jim Tressel. But really, the players’ regret at losing him is understandable. Many of them have had to take serious salary cuts.

So how weirdly 21st century is this real television ad? – “Fiber One 90 calorie brownies – In the granola bar aisle.”

Listening to baseball commentators say about an umpire, “he’s got a good strike zone.” Well, I get what they mean, I think, but isn’t the rule book, not the umpire, supposed to determine the strike zone? (Yeah, we can dream, anyway.)

From Bill Littlejohn: Baseball has sent a warning to its major and minor league players concerning steroid alternatives—-stop ingesting deer antler spray.Bud Selig reportedly said, ‘The Buck Stops Here'”

Standard and Poor’s downgraded the U.S. credit rating from AAA to AA tonight. In related news, the IRS said that their announced plan to increase audits of ratings analysts was just a concidence.

A-Rod is not talking about allegations that he was involved in illegal poker games. When will these guys learn? If you really want to do some high-stakes gambling, invest in the stock market.

With the FAA funding mess, Donna Brazile accused House Republicans of “playing chicken with American jobs.” Not true replied the GOP. We’re only playing chicken with Obama’s job. The rest are just collateral damage.

MLB sources are indicating A-Rod will not be suspended, despite the allegations of illegal poker games, along with continuing talk about his association with a Canadian doctor known to have prescribed HGH. Proving once again – the Yankees are basically MLB’s version of an SEC football team

Shame that Eli Whiteside might get suspended for his part in tonight’s Giants-Phillies brawl. Best hitting game the Giants catcher has had all season.

Trivial rant: Open up most packaged food and the contents fill up about 2/3 of the packaging. The only container that is filled to the absolute brim – microwaveable soups. (Not that anything could go wrong with a full plastic container of boiling liquid.)

The Prince and the Captain.

July 9, 2011



Many Los Angeles television viewers are annoyed at all the media coverage of Prince William and Kate Middleton’s visit; they don’t see the point in celebrating people who are only famous because of an accident of birth. Especially when the coverage pre-empts “Keeping up with the Kardashians.”


The NCAA has officially accepted West Virginia’s self-imposed sanctions over football recruiting issues. Two years probation, whatever tha means, and NO post-season bowl ban. Good to know that despite the NFL lockout we still have professional football in this country.

These days President Obama is being criticized by both the right and the left on his negotiations with Congress. About the only thing he could do to please both sides is figure out a way to keep Casey Anthony in jail longer.

Michele Bachmann has now signed a 14-point pledge from the conservative Iowa Christian group “Family Leader.” The ninth pledge includes banning “all forms of pornography.” Well, this should get her the votes of about 10 men.

The “Family Leader” pledge also includes a reference to America’s children as “the innocent fruit of conjugal intimacy.”  Uh, does this mean for example Arnold Schwarzenegger and John Edward’s love children don’t count?

Houston Rockets center Yao Ming is retiring after nine NBA season. And in another illustration of why the 7’6″ center has been so beloved by fans, he didn’t announce the decision on an ESPN special.

(Alex Schubert said,  “Yao would have played longer if he hadn’t hit his head on the rim so many times.)

Ohio State University just announced it is “vacating” all 10 wins from 2010 season and placing itself on two years’ probation.  Although the probation will not include any postseason bowl bans.

Why don’t we just place an asterisk on all these BCS trophies and be done with it?

R.I.P. Betty Ford. For years she was known as Gerald’s Ford’s wife. But history may well footnote him as her husband.


Derek Jeter is two hits shy of 3000. Plans to celebrate at Yankee Stadium allegedly include trumpets blaring, with a modest little chorus of angels floating in from on high.

Some think the ball that becomes Derek Jeter’s 3,000th hit could be worth as much as $250,000 to the whoever ends up with it.  Well, considering that Jeter is hitting .257 this year with TWO home runs, it’s not likely that ball will end up with a fan in the stands.

Michele Bachmann is starting to run her first television ad in Iowa, titled “Waterloo.” “Waterloo?” Really? The ad has guitar music playing in the backgroud. Guess it’s a good thing Bachmann couldn’t afford the rights to the ABBA Song. (I feel like I win when I lose, etc…)

Not standing the Heat.

June 8, 2011

Rooting for a Mark Cuban owned team from Texas? It’s a tough job, but the Heat have made sure that a lot of somebodies have to do it.

More pictures of junk tweeted around Tuesday night.    Not Anthony Weiner again, thank gawd.  Just videos of  Lebron James’s play in Game 4. 

Meanwhile, what are the chances of Anthony Weiner ending up on SNL? I smell a potential remake of “D*** in a Box.”

As far as politics, however,  what can Anthony Weiner possibly do next? Except say “partially driven by how passionately I felt about this country, I worked far too hard and things happened in my life that were not appropriate.” And then run for President.

Okay, now I feel old. The Detroit Tigers selected, in the 26th round, Colin Kaline. Not Al’s son. His GRANDSON.

Nationals prospect Bryce Harper, 18, blew a kiss to the opposing pitcher in Single A after hitting a home run. If Harper had done that to Nolan Ryan, we’d be discussing plans for his funeral.

Is anyone remotely surprised? Terrelle Pryor, already suspended five games over memorabilia sales before the car allegations came out, has announced he will not return to Ohio State and will enter the supplemental draft. Only thing, even if the lockout ends, sounds like to join the NFL Pryor may have to take a pay cut.

But let’s see, Pryor made his money, got loaner cars, freebies all around town, and apparently the stories are now that he made up to $1000 a session for signing memorabilia.  Oh yeah, and he played in three major BCS bowls.   As to his suspension, he’s leaving OSU before he serves a minute of it. 

Yeah, for others thinking of breaking the rules, let this serve as a warning

At a state dinner Tuesday night, German Chancellor Angela Merkel received receive the Presidential Medal of Freedom from President Obama. But fortunately no neckrub.

From my friend Alex Kaseberg: Libyan President Moammar Khadafy vows that he will not leave his palace. That’s a smart move. Just announce to Seal Team 6 that you’re waiting at home.


Amateur status?

June 1, 2011

Well the Buckeyes players may have lost their amateur status.  But the cover-up certainly qualified.


So the Dodgers will make their regular payroll on time this month. But it looks like the Ohio State football team won’t……

Ohio State star Terrelle Pryor has reportedly driven as many as eight cars in his three years in Columbus. Who does Pryor think he is? Jay Leno?

From Gary Morton, “Look for Tressel to host QVS’s new Saturday Sports show this fall – Lord of the Rings.”

Wonder how hard it was for SI to make the decision to publish the article that finally brought down Tressel. Took a lot of cajones to take on one of college football’s sacred cows, or maybe I should say “sacred buckeyes.”

Maybe once OSU ends up on probation, they can talk to USC about playing a charity exhibition game instead of a bowl game this year.  The game could be sponsored by Aladdin Bail Bonds.


Open note to all sports fans, if you’re praying or wishing, be as specific as possible. Wonder how many SF Giants fans prayed or wished last week that catcher Buster Posey wouldn’t take any more foul tips off his mask this season?

In Detroit, the Tigers beat the Twins 6-5 Sunday, and the winning run scored on a ball hit down the line where the umpires ruled spectator interference. Well, I guess that answers the question “Whatever happened to Steve Bartman?”

According to the World Health Organization, cell phone use is in the same “carcinogenic hazard” category as lead, engine exhaust and chloroform. So this doesn’t mean that people will stop being rude while using cellphones, but at least they probably won’t be around as long.

The Illinois legislature has voted to allow slot machines in Chicago airports. But most frequent travelers would say you’re already gambling every time you plan to connect in O’Hare.


Alaska Airlines plans to be the first airline to replace their pilot manuels with iPads. And the trend could catch on. Besides eliminating about 25 pounds of paper per flight, the iPads would be an easy way for pilots to store all their cocktail recipes.


Rush Limbaugh says he doesn’t really believe  Congressman Anthony Weiner’s story that a hacker was responsible for tweeting a picture of him in his underwear to a young woman. But Rush also said he didn’t think it was a big deal. Scary translation, does this mean Rush has tweeted his own “brief” picture to someone?

“Where’s the Birth Certificate?”, a book written by Jerome Corsi that still claims President Obama was not born in the U.S, has debuted at #6 on the New York Times bestseller list. Makes a certain amount of sense. One of the most popular book categories in stressful times is “fantasy.”

Sarah Palin and Donald Trump had nothing but positive words for each other today after they met briefly in Trump’s penthouse in Manhattan. Amazing, both those egos fit into a single room?