Posted tagged ‘Manny Ramirez jokes’

Retirements and other endings..

June 20, 2009

Joseph Houghtaling,  the inventor of the “Magic Fingers Vibrating Bed,” has died.  His funeral service will have a nominal 25 cents admission charge but promises to be a relaxing 15 minute experience.

Woods had two double bogeys and a bogey in the last four holes of his U.S. Open first round. So will the headlines read “Bethpage puts Tiger in the tank?”

Tom Glavine told the Associated Press in a text message that he plans to “hang out” for the rest of the summer but is not announcing his retirement. Wonder if  he’ll be “hanging out” with Brett Favre?

Apparently the husband of John Ensign’s former mistress has made “exorbitant demands for cash and other financial benefits” to the Nevada Senator. Even Rod Blagojevich says this story is getting tacky.

My Space laid off 30 percent of their workforce.   The main reason the company gave for firing those employees ?  They were spending too much time at work on Facebook and Twitter.

In two weeks,  Manny Ramirez’s drug suspension will be over.  He assures the Dodgers he will return as a good teammate with a great attitude, especially as he no longer suffers from PMS.


From Bill Littlejohn:

Iran spiritual leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei says the elections there ‘weren’t rigged.  He also says Sammy Sosa and Mark McGwire belong in the Hall of Fame”


Manny and the Octomom

June 1, 2009

So first there’s “Jon and Kate Plus Eight,”, then there’s the Octomom, now there’s Manny Ramirez.  Remember the good old days when the most hype we had about prescription drugs was Viagra commercials.


Manny Ramirez is now only about a month away from returning from his suspension for being caught with the fertility drug HCG in his system.  The Dodgers are eagerly awaiting his return, and apparently Joe Torre has personally volunteered to host the baby shower.


In the NCAA baseball regionals,  The University of Texas beat Boston College 3-2 in 25 innings.  Yes, 25 innings.  Fans showed up for a baseball game, and a cricket match broke out.

When the interminable NBA playoffs are over, the teams in the finals will have played over 100 games.  And the Lakers have shown up for at least ten of them.

Nadya Suleman will apparently star with her fourteen children in a reality television show to be aired only in Britain.  Which is shocking really, there is a reality show that even Americans find too distasteful?

Working titles for the show?

Fourteen’s Company?

Eight is not enough?

Unmarried..with Children?

Are you smarter than a Fertility Doctor?

Whatever they call it, perhaps they could borrow a classic television song….as in starting out “She’s  creepy and she’s  kooky…”

The show’s viewers?  Presumably those who want something less intellectually challenging than “Jon and Kate plus eight.”

President Obama and Michelle went on a “date night” up to New York.  Former President Bush said it sounded like a nice idea, and former President Clinton said “you can date your wife?”

Some fans worry that since the Cleveland Cavaliers disappointedly lost in the NBA semi-finals, that Lebron James will want out of town.   Well, the Cavs could always trade him to the Clippers, where at least he won’t have to worry about playoff losses.


from Bill Littlejohn

Close to 200 prisoners will cycle around France next month in their own Tour de France.  .For the REAL Tour de France participants–finally someone to set a good example”

Manny, Manny….

May 7, 2009

So it’s not exactly a pop quiz anymore.  All major league baseball players know they will be tested for banned performance enchancing substances.   And Manny Ramirez gets caught.

Even John Edwards said “What was he THINKING?”

Although watching John and Elizabeth Edwards do such a public airing of their dirty linen, a thought comes to mind.  Who knew Bill and Hillary might end up looking like a model political marriage?

Back to baseball…


Although a true cynic might note that Manny seems to get bored in a full season, and will still make $17 million.  While the Dodgers save over $6 million and still get their slugger before back the All-Star game.  ..

In San Francisco, the Giants have to be breathing a sigh of relief, since they at least flirted with signing a long term deal with Manny.  Kind of like John Edward’s last girlfriend before Elizabeth must feel…

And in the meantime, parents who don’t want their children growing up idolizing these artificially enchanced stars can just take the kids to the movies, or watch a beauty pageant. 

From Bill Littlejohn:

 “Manny Ramirez has been suspended for 50 games for using a female fertility drug.An investigator who had talked to the star earlier and heard his voice said it was a case of ‘Manny being Minnie'”

The Red Sox broke an American League record by scoring 12 runs in the sixth inning againsts the Indians, BEFORE making an out.   The game, which they won 13-3, may go down in history as the Boston Put-it-on-a-Tee Party.



And Celine Dion is thinking of buying the Montreal Canadians.   Maybe because watching them in the playoffs reminded her of “Titanic.”

Lucky or unlucky number 13?

March 11, 2009

The Los Angeles Dodgers hope that adding Manny Ramirez to the team will help keep their fans from leaving games in the seventh inning. Well, that and the fact that many of those fans will be sleeping in their cars anyway.

One more thought on those $99 Manny Ramirez fares offered by JetBlue. There’s apparently no maximum stay rule – on the Manny fares you get bored wherever you go and want to leave soon anyway.

Its that time of year, when law enforcement tries to stop illegal gambling by cracking down on NCAA basketball pools. As opposed to legal gambling in the stock market.

This next is from the very funny Jim Barach:

“Wide receiver Terrell Owens was released by the Dallas Cowboys. You know things have gotten out of hand when you have become too loud and obnoxious even for Texas.”

New Republican National Committee chairman Michael Steele may already be facing a no-confidence vote. Really, just how bad do you have to be after the last guy in charge presided over Sarah Palin’s $150,000 shopping spree? Not to mention the GOP’s losing the Senate, the House and the Presidency.

Interesting results for viewers trying to vote for contestant number 13 on American Idol Tuesday night. The phone number shown for her ended in “36.” But if callers followed the natural progression of numbers for other contestants ending in 13, they ended up dialing a phone sex number.

Well, add to a long list of excuses “Honey, I was just trying to vote for American Idol.”

Bernie Madoff has agreed to a plea bargain that could mean 150 years in prison. Many Americans are hoping that at least some of that time can be spent in the stocks.

Madoff actually may not realize he could really get a 150 year sentence. The man is used to rather exaggerated numbers.

Let’s see a show of hands from all those who expected the Netherlands to go through to the second round of the World Baseball Classic? Heck, lets see a show of hands from all those who even knew the Netherlands was IN the World Baseball Classic.

Senate Idol?

March 6, 2009

It’s looking more and more like new Senator Roland Burris may follow in the footsteps of the Governor who appointed him, and be removed from office. Since this seems to happen a lot in Illinois, maybe it’s time for a change.

My suggestion, instead of a regular special election, what about “Senate Idol?’

For Senate Idol, everyone who thinks they qualify could meet with a bi-partisan panel composed of politicians who have not been indicted yet.

Then the top 10 choices could appear in a weekly show, televised on Fox, of course, since the network could use something different to get over their apoplexy over Obama. They would each have a few minutes to impress voters, in any way they liked – speeches, songs, presentations, whatever. And each week the candidate with the few number of votes could go home. Until one winner emerges.

Maybe President Obama could even come back to announce him or her!

(Of course, there would have to be a few tweaks, like a way to give legitimate voters an identification number so they could only vote once a week. Although there could be a separate non-binding national peoples’ choice vote… Winner would at least get an ego boost.)

At least a reality show would have transparency. And since they seem to do well in the ratings, all proceeds from the show could go to reducing the state deficit. With all due respect, how much worse could they do? And if the winner turned out to be a winner in Washington, maybe the concept could be expanded? California Idol, for example? To replace Arnold Schwarzenegger after his term is over? Speaking of another state where we could hardly do a lot worse. And Arnold could even host….

Americans are eagerly anticipating the NCAA men’s basketball tournament, aka “March Madness.”

This year especially it will be good to see something go from 64 down to 1 that isn’t part of your 401k.

And Manny Ramirez said after finally signing that $45 million contract that he is happy to be in Los Angeles. Anyone want to lay an over-under as to whether this lasts longer than Jason and Melissa?

Manny also said he’s looking forward to performing for the fans. And considering Ramirez’s famous work ethic, it should suit him just fine to only need to perform from the third through the seventh innings.

Economic stimulus?

March 2, 2009

With all the ideas being floated around. Has President Obama considered invading another country, losing, and then having them rebuild us?.

In a new reality show, world-famous golf instructor Hank Haney will try to help Charles Barkley with his famously awful golf swing. For a more productive sequel, how about Rick Barry trying to help Shaq with free throws?

AIG is asking for another bailout from government TARP (Troubled Assets Recovery Program.) Was this really the right name? Isn’t a tarp what police put over a corpse?

US Air says now they will stop charging for coffee, water, and soft drinks on board their planes. There will, however, be a nomimal charge for cups.

Defense secretary Robert Gates said Sunday that he thought “probably President Obama is somewhat more analytical than President Bush.”

(Does this really need a punchline? What was his first clue?)

With all due respect, that Portoguese Water Dog the Obama girls are getting might be somewhat more analytical than Bush.

President Bush wasn’t offended by the comment, though he might be when Laura tells him what “analytical” means.

The Los Angeles County Board of Supervisors is scheduled to issue a proclamation making the first week in March No Cussing Week.

With exemptions, I assume, for Clippers fans and anyone with the Dodgers involved with the Manny Ramirez negotiations..

To be heard around the water cooler Monday: Say, with Tiger out did you hear who won the match play tournament this weekend? Yeah, me neither.

More Jindal…

February 28, 2009

This has not been a good week for Louisiana governor Bobby Jindal. In fact, generally when things go this badly for a potential future Republican presidential candidate, Katie Couric is involved.

It has now come out that Jindal’s story of standing “shoulder to shoulder” with a New Orleans sheriff during Katrina was fabricated. In his defense, the Governor says the exaggeration might be due to post traumatic stress syndrome from the time he dodged sniper fire with Hillary Clinton.

Manny Ramirez said last fall he was happy in Los Angeles and would like to finish his career there. Now, the spring training season is underway, and he has turned down yet another $45 million contract offer from the Dodgers. Even Kobe Bryant is saying “Think of the team.”

With Manny Ramirez publicly turning down huge contracts, there is some worry he is hurting baseball’s reputation during this recession. Even Commissioner Bud Selig is saying, “Can’t you settle for $18 million a year like I did?

How can anyone doubt now that President Obama can work miracles? He showed up to watch a Washington Wizards game and they actually won.

After signing a $137 million six year contract with the Mets last year, Johan Santana has been scratched from both spring training starts with elbow trouble. New York is just hoping they didn’t pay all that money for absolutely nothing this year. Maybe it wasn’t the best karma to name their new stadium Citi Field?