Posted tagged ‘Yankees jokes’

How many reasons?

August 15, 2014

Texas Governor Rick Perry, was indicted on two charges relating to his efforts to force the resignation of a local district attorney. Wonder if the prosecutor couldn’t think of a third charge?

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Mo’Ne Davis threw a two-hit shutout for Philadelphia at Little League World Series today. Wonder how long it will take her to get a try-out with the Phillies.

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Police at Madrid’s airport arrested a 43-year-old woman for allegedly trying to smuggle to 3.7 pounds of cocaine in her breast implants. What was their first clue? Really REALLY perky breasts?

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Notre Dame says they expect to suspend four football players, who allegedly violated the university’s honor code by receiving improper help on classwork. Many other college football players are shocked. Notre Dame players have classwork?

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Apparently Roger Goodell is now claiming he wanted to suspend Ray Rice for more than two games but didn’t feel he could do so due to precedent. I think I like “tainted supplement” better.

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NY Mets manager Terry Collins says he told Matt Harvey, who he thought was working too hard on his rehab, to “back off” and that Harvey’s season is over. Makes sense. So is the Mets’.

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The man who invented the “pop-up” ad in the 90s has now apologized for creating it. Shouldn’t we blame Al Gore too, since he invented the internet?

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Saints’ tight end Jimmy Graham was flagged twice tonight for dunking over the goalposts after a touchdown. Maybe New Orleans should just practice kickoffs from the 20 yard line. #nofunleague

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Johnny Manziel was “a few minutes” late to a team meeting Monday morning. Wonder what his excuse was. Hard to believe Johnny found something to keep him up late Sunday night in Cleveland.

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From Bill Littlejohn  “On Browns’ management saying they will handle Manziel’s tardiness internally ‘In other words, next time he’ll have to produce a note from his bartender.'”

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#NYYankees have lost 5 games in a row. Stand by for the #ESPN special on how #DerekJeter is coping through this difficult time.

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KC Chiefs WR Dwayne Bowe has been suspended one game for a violation of the NFL’s substance abuse policy. One game. This after a November marijuana arrest that was dismissed after Bowe pleaded guilty to littering and “defective equipment.” So he tossed away a lousy joint and didn’t inhale?

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Paul McCartney played the last concert at Candlestick Park last night. Although many of the nearly 50,000 with tickets couldn’t even get into the old stadium due to traffic, and it took fans hours to get out. So yes, memories of the Beatles and memories of why blowing the place up is overdue.

In San Jose, officers fatally shot a bipolar 19-year- old woman who had called police saying she was armed with “an Uzi” and would shoot her family if the cops didn’t come. The woman turned out to be carrying… a cordless power drill. Now, I’m sure we’ll learn more about this incident, but have to wonder, with all the stories about the easy availability of guns, doesn’t this make police- and everyone else- more likely to shoot because we believe everyone, even the crazies, are armed?

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They had it all

August 13, 2014

Two things that might be all the younger generation needs to know about Lauren Bacall who passed away today at 89. She was considered one of the sexiest women alive, without selfies, wardrobe malfunctions or sex tapes. And she was on People Magazine’s 50 most beautiful list. At the age of 72.

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And yes, youngsters, “just like Bogie and Bacall” was a real thing. Not just a song verse. #LaurenBacall. And they both were hot.

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Kate Upton used to be a NY Yankees fan, now she is dating Justin Verlander. But the Yankees are telling her she can’t wear any Tigers gear in the stadium. It’s that kind of generosity of spirit that has made the Yankees so beloved outside the Bronx.

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Great line from Alex Kaseberg  “Well, the good news, amid the interminable sadness, is no comedian is going to die for a long time. Nobody in their right mind would try to follow Robin Williams.”

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So maybe after an open mike night in Heaven, Robin Williams is looking down and thinking about some of the things he will miss in San Francisco. The Giants seem to be trying hard not to be one of them.

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But on a brief serious note, this is originally a friend’s idea but the #SFGiants should have an annual #RobinWilliams mental health day at AT&T. 

The Giants could fundraise with silent auctions of autographed stuff, and requests for donations. And in general try also to raise awareness.  Like they do for other diseases.  I think Robin would approve.

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Back to snark.  Because doesn’t comedy come from pain. It’s not that the #SFGiants looked  bad against Chris Sale, an All-Star. It’s them making any rookie or journeyman pitcher look like an All-Star

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#SFGiants are 7-22 in their last 29 home games but San Francisco still has the longest sell-out streak still in Major League Baseball.  Well, not hard to guess where #50ShadesofGrey will have its biggest opening weekend.

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Shares of King Digital, the publisher of the Candy Crush mobile game, are down 20% after missing revenue projections. Wonder how big that fall is in “Level” terms.

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The Secret Service says it finally caught the gang behind the most convincing U.S. counterfeit dollars in the world. Well, the most convincing dollars that we KNOW are counterfeit.

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NASCAR driver Brad Keselowski said it would be almost impossible for NASCAR to keep drivers from exiting their cars on the track, even with a new rule forbidding it except in case of possible fire. Uh, suspension for the next race? Problem solved.

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The NFL gave Cowboys CB Orlando Scandrick a 4 game suspension for testing positive for Ecstasy. Scandrick’s defense is that his ex-girlfriend persuaded him to add something he didn’t realize was on the banned list into a cocktail. Amazing. All these guys somehow manage to memorize a playbook, but they can’t keep track of a simple list of drugs

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Facebook message. “add your phone number to help secure your account.” Right, and of course FB would never use your phone number in any way for marketing etc…..

 

 

The Selig era is almost basically over.

July 19, 2014

Bud Selig is actually supposed to retire in six months. He and baseball owners want former MLB deputy commissioner Steve Greenberg to be his replacement. But Greenberg says he doesn’t want the job, though he would be honored to follow Selig, who he calls “easily baseball’s greatest commissioner since Judge Landis.” Well, wishes aside, shouldn’t that statement disqualify Greenberg by reason of insanity?

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Only 30% of Los Angeles area residents can see Dodgers games on TV due to a cable dispute. And David Rone, president of Time Warner Cable Sports, which distributes the games, says “It is unlikely that we are going to get a deal done. Suffering Midwest fans are thinking “why couldn’t this happen with the Cubs?”

 

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Anyone else think Vladimir Putin is more likely to officiate at a gay wedding than he is to determine that MH17 was shot down by pro Russian-separatists?

 

 

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The Federal Government has charged FedEx with drug trafficking for delivering illegal prescription drugs, allegedly for over a decade. What took the Government this long? Maybe they figured FedEx is taking profitable business from the post office?

 

 

Lebron James announced his return to Cleveland last week, but still hasn’t chosen if he will wear #6 or #23. How long until ESPN dedicates a special edition of Sports Center to the decision?

 

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For all those who think the SFGiants have a problem at 2nd base, it could be worse. Dan Uggla, released by the Atlanta Braves, hit .162 with 2 home runs and is still owed over $18 million.

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Red Sox GM Ben Cherington says the last-place team is not giving up on 2014 yet. And even Cubs fans are thinking “I want some of what you’re smoking.”

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CNN had Michele Bachmann commented that Hillary Clinton “should be worried” about Elizabeth Warren in 2016. Michele Bachmann as a political prognosticator? Well, maybe since Paul the Octopus is no longer with us.

 

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From Jim Barach ”  Downtown Los Angeles is at its driest since record-keeping began in 1877. Which means at least there is something in L.A. with a longer dry spell than the one that takes the Dodgers back to 1988.”

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A Supreme Court injunction means that Utah has won at least a temporary delay in recognizing same-sex marriages. Guess the state figures if a man isn’t happy marrying a woman, he should just marry more women.

 

 

In Los Angeles, a man robbing a liquor store apparently accidentally shot and killed his accomplice. So sometimes the only thing that can stop a bad guy with a gun is another bad guy with a gun.

 

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The NY Yankees announced there will be  a Derek Jeter retirement ceremony on Sept 7. #FarewellCaptain Except that I thought the whole 2014 season was a Jeter retirement ceremony.

 

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And finally.   Aldon Smith,  after a D.A. decided not to press charges for alleged LAX bomb threats, was sentenced Friday for possessing illegal fire arms. Along with a separate case of DUI and marijuana possession after driving and hitting a tree.

Smith got 3 years of probation, and 12 days of work crew on Mondays. Which will end before the 49ers first Monday night game.

So let this be a lesson to the youth of America. Behave yourselves. Unless you are SURE you have NFL level talent.

 

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Rocky Mountain Leftover High?

July 17, 2014

CBS News reports that tourists are regularly leaving their leftover marijuana purchases inside rental cars at Denver International Airport, because they don’t want to be arrested when they head home. In related news, Hertz and Avis just reported a 1,000% increase in Colorado job applications..

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Chris Christie says that on a “case by case” basis, his state may consider housing some of the detained immigrant children. Makes sense, have them spend some time in New Jersey and they may go racing back home.

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So the MH17 black box has been sent to Moscow for Investigation. Great. Now we will get the real story because as Edward Snowden tells us, Russia is a great and open country and a champion of human rights….’

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We often ridicule U.S. government agencies over their rules and regulations. But it appears that they got this one right: In April, on the “Special Rules” section of its site, the U.S. Federal Aviation Administration put out an order prohibiting American pilots, airlines, charter carriers, and everyone else over whom the FAA has direct jurisdiction, from flying over southern parts of Ukraine.

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John McCain is already talking about “profound repercussions” against whoever shot down MH17. Surely we should be able to invade somebody….

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The finger pointing has begun between Russia and the Ukraine over MH17. It may take longer to figure out who’s really to blame than it does to find MH370.

(The GOP already no doubt  – has it figured out, it’s Obama’s fault.)

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Microsoft has announced they are cutting 18,000 jobs. Of course, the tech giant doesn’t “fire” people, they just tell them they are performing an illegal operation and will be shut down.

 

Cheerful story on a bad news day. My friend Linda M. Wilson reminds me that Disneyland opened 59 years ago  on July 17.. Although there’s a whole generation of Americans growing up with no concept of the phrase “E ticket ride.”

 

Okay, how slow a day was Thursday  in the sports world? ESPN has the headline that the 2015 NFL draft location has been narrowed down to Los Angeles and Chicago.

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You can’t make this “stuff” up. MLB and FOX’s excuse for not paying tribute to Tony Gwynn during the All Star Game- is that the “baseball family” had lost a “number of people” this year and they “did not want to slight anyone by singling out one individual.” Well, and that and it would have interrupted the flow of the Derek Jeter show.

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To be fair, maybe MLB and FOX made such of a big deal out of Derek Jeter’s farewell All-Star game because they knew he’d already played his last postseason game.

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But maybe all of the hype is getting to be overkill.  From Bill Littlejohn:  “A Yankee Stadium suite for Derek Jeter’s final home game is going for $244,000.  Why the discount?”

 

Not such sweet dreams.

July 7, 2014

A Yankees fan who was seen sleeping during a Red Sox-Yankees Sunday night game has now filed a $10 million defamation suit again ESPN and its announcers, largely due to some of the comments posted online after his picture went viral. $10 million! That’s almost enough to buy season tickets for a whole year at Yankee Stadium.

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Andrew Rector, the “Sleeping Yankees fan”, says the reason for his $10 million lawsuit is that John Kruk and Dan Shulman unleashed an “avalanche of disparaging words.” But okay, so the guy was briefly the butt of some internet jokes amongst some sports fans (personally, I missed it), until they moved on to the next thing. Now millions of Americans not only know Rector fell asleep at a game, they will think he’s an a**hole.
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At Target Field in Minneapolis, they’ve installed self-serve beer stands. What could possibly go wrong?
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So who needs a show titled “The Decision.” This time Lebron’s choice of teams appears to be a months long ESPN miniseries.

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In Fort Wayne, Indiana, a bird was killed when it was hit by a pitch thrown by Detroit Tigers’ minor league prospect Jon Maciel. Wonder if the poor bird had a mistaken sense of invincibility from surviving an earlier HBP from Barry Zito?
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Some teaser trailers have been released for “Gone Girl,” the new Ben Affleck thriller that will debut October 3. Of course, for anyone who really can’t wait to know what happens there’s always… reading the book.

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Two Mets prospects from Venezuela without U.S. drivers’ licenses were arrested for racing and driving over 100 mph on July 4 in Kingsport, TN. The young men were charged this morning with drag racing, presumably since Tennessee doesn’t have a statute on criminal stupidity?

( Presumably if they could THROW as well as drive over 100 MPH, they would have gotten better signing offers than the Mets.)
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Apparently a new danger at the Tour de France is people with their back to the riders, taking selfies while the race goes by. Said one rider “Everyone is out there having fun and a lot of people don’t realize we’re coming past at 37 mph and we use every inch of the roads.” Darwin would be so proud.
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#SFGiants All-Star Madison Bumgarner, with two home runs, says he has reached out to captain Troy Tulowitzki about joining the NL HR Derby team. Well, Madbum only has one home run less than both Hector Sanchez and Gregor Blanco.

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A ticket vendor who has won FIFA ticket contracts for 20 years was arrested in a World Cup scalping investigation. A remember of the FIFA team might be corrupt? Next someone will try to tell us there is gambling in Casablana.

Misremembering and misbehaving.

July 3, 2014

Today, U.S. coach Jurgen Klinsmann now says he believed team USA could have won the World Cup — even though he said the exact opposite before they started playing. So maybe Klinsmann’s goal isn’t to be a winning coach, but a politician.

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The Yankees were swept by the Rays and have now joined the Red Sox in having sub .500 records. Stand by for Bud Selig and MLB to implement emergency 16 team NBA-type playoffs..

 

Okay, maybe your baseball team is suffering. But I think Boston “wins” the week by being swept by the Chicago Cubs. Capped off by a 16-9 loss tonight. Talk about “50 Shades of Red Sox.”

 

But as T.C. says “Cubs 16; Red Sox 9. Boston doesn’t need hitting, they need Tom Brady!!!!”

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Toronto mayor Rob Ford, just out of rehab, says “he can’t imagine” saying the things he said about black people, Jews and Italians. “When you have this disease, you say things, do things that aren’t you.” And Donald Sterling said “Why didn’t I think of that?

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In England, the lawyer for ex-“News of the World” editor Andy Coulson, convicted of phone hacking, is pleading for a reduced sentence. The claim, that no one in the newspaper industry “realized that interception of voicemail messages was illegal, in the sense of criminal.” Ah, what, Coulson thought it was only immoral?

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Target is asking customers, even those in “open carry” states, to leave their firearms at home. And really, who needs a gun while shopping anyway? Well, outside the first hour or so of a “Black Friday” sale.

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At a Starbucks with line out the door, young woman is not only ordering for herself, but texting back and forth with a friend as to what kind of iced tea the friend wants. When she has finally paid, and line has grown, gal then pulls two Starbucks gift cards from her wallet and says “Can you verify the balances on these for me?” Beginning to see there just MIGHT be a reason for “open carry.”

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Car in front of me on way to work had a “student driver” sign on it. Of course, it might have been obvious, the driver was actually using turn signals.

 

Protesters this week blocked buses containing undocumented immigrants from entering the Southern California  town of Murrieta. Said one woman “”I just wish America would be America again.” “Amen,” responded Native Americans.

 

Rick Perry has given up wearing cowboy boots. Allegedly as a way to soften his Texas image as he runs for President again in 2016. Amazing. For appealing to a national audience, guns aren’t dangerous but boots are?

 

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Louisiana Rep. Vance McAllister, elected on a “Christian Family Values” platform, became known as the “kissing congressman” when he was seen on video making out with a staffer, McAllister said he would step down but now says he will seek re-election in November. Well, makes sense. He changed his mind about “forsaking all others” too.

Excuses, excuses…

June 9, 2014

Seattle Seahawks coach Pete Carroll just told the L.A. Times he wouldn’t have left USC in 2010 if he knew the NCAA was going to sanction the Trojans. I think I liked “pushed into a lifeboat” better.

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There is now a drive to legalize marijuana in…. Jamaica?!! Does this even need a punchline?

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California Chrome owner Steve Coburn’s rant after the #BelmontStakes may have cost him and the colt some endorsement. But maybe they’re still in line for a deal with California wine.

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Don’t get me wrong, Steve Coburn was a poor sport yesterday. But as the NY Times points out, the last NINE Belmont winners have skipped the Preakness. ‪#‎TripleCrown‬

(T.C wonders,  “So if Maria Sharapova wins the French Open and doesn’t have to play against the Williams sisters or Li Na; she’s a coward, right? “

 

It’s approaching mid-June, and as most experts predicted, the Los Angeles Dodgers and NY Yankees have very similar records. (Okay, so maybe they didn’t predict those records would be basically .500.)

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Even FIFA is impressed with the flopping levels in the #NBAFinals.

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So next year, how many #NBA teams will choose their home games against the #Heat to give free fans to fans and turn off the a/c?

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On a sweltering day in Paris, Rafael Nadal won his 9th French Open. Imagine what he could do if Roland Garros had air conditioning.

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A Northern California high school basketball player is in jail on suspicion of using stolen credit cards to pay $13,000 to rent a McLaren car and $27,000 to rent a vacation home. Guess he wasn’t good enough to get those perks playing college basketball?

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Former “Bachelor” and “Bachelorette” contestant Emily Maynard, who was engaged twice on the show, has just gotten married. And she told People magazine in an “exclusive”. “For so long I felt so embarrassed and ashamed about that TV stuff The grace that my faith has given me to wipe that all away and not find worth in that and find it through God.” Guess “magazine stuff” is different from “TV stuff.”

 

Two police officers in Las Vegas, plus another bystander, were shot and killed today, And then the suspects killed themselves. Once again, wishing these folks with murder-suicide plans could take take care of the second part first.

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Do wish Fox News and the GOP would grieve as much for all those lives that have been lost in the Iraq war, as they do for those four Americans lost in in Benghazi and however many soldiers were lost looking for Bowe Bergdahl.

 

 


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