Posted tagged ‘Yankees jokes’

Scattered pictures.

May 24, 2015

As this Duggar family saga unfolds have to wonder…. if an African-American family, Christian or not, had tried to cash in on their fertility with a reality show, would they have been turned into Child Protective Services just for having 19 children.

Roger Federer was upset by a selfie-seeking fan who accosted him on the court after his French Open match today. The young man in question has been barred from the rest of the tournament. Really? So he can’t see a few more matches? You really want to cure this problem, tell fans if they jump on court for pictures, they and their camera may be used for as targets for serving practice.

 

Sad to read of the death of Nobel prize winner and “A Beautiful Mind” subject John Nash and his wife in a taxi accident. But you would think someone as brilliant as he was on game theory etc would also have calculated the odds and put on a seatbelt.

Many viewers just tune into the ‪#‎Indy500‬ for the wrecks. Which is actually the same reason most viewers watch ‪#‎TheBachelorette‬

 

Nine brains were found on a street near train tracks in a village in northern New York village. Hmm, so how many GOP candidates have declared for the Presidency in 2016?

Some say jockeys aren’t athletes. But thinking it takes more skill to win riding an animal with a mind of its own compared to riding in an expensive high-powered well-tuned car. ‪#‎Indy500‬ ‪#‎TripleCrown‬

 

So today there was a two hour rain delay in Denver today for the Rockies- Giants game. During which time IT DID NOT RAIN.

 

Although in four games this weekend at Coos Field there was a total of over 7 hours of delays,   ‪#‎sowhodecidedtobuildtheColoradoballparkwithnoroofanyway‬?

The SF Giants have DFA’ed Casey McGehee. So congrats to all those who had May 24 in the pool.

 

Best news for most baseball fans about the Yankees’ fourth appearance (and loss) tonight on Sunday Night Baseball against the Rangers. ESPN is contractually obligated not to show any one team more than six Sunday Night games. ‪#‎twomoretogo‬

The ring’s the thing.

April 23, 2015

The SF Giants are raffling off an authentic World Series ring. Wonder if there’s any truth to the rumor that the Chicago Cubs inquired about buying all the tickets?

Question on ESPN “Are the Mets really this good?” Of course, another question might be “Are the rest of the NL East teams really this bad?”

Bernie Williams will officially sign his retirement papers at Yankee Stadium before Friday’s Mets-Yankees game. Williams last played in 2006. What, no farewell tour?

So apparently the U.S. World Cup’s women’s uniforms are white. With no red or blue on them. May be more people getting upset about this than will actually watch the women’s World Cup. ‪#‎USAUSAUSA‬

Charles Koch on charges that “We are doing all of this to make more money? “I mean, that is so ludicrous.” Translation, “we make PLENTY of money. We are doing “all of this” so that we pay less taxes and keep more of it.”

So Alabama is moving forward with legalizing medical marijuana. Excellent. Time for a brownie bakery titled “REALLY sweet home Alabama!”

When the Patriots were at the White House today, President Obama joked that he had scissors ready in case Bill Belichick wanted to to cut the sleeves. Scissors huh?! Maybe we’ve figured out “deflate-gate” ‪#‎BlameObama‬.

The Spurs’ Kawhi Leonard won the NBA Defensive Player of the Year Award, prevailing over the Warriors’ Draymond Green. Heard on a radio interview this a.m. “Nice to see small men getting some recognition.” Leonard and Green are both 6’7″ ‪#‎shortpersonfacepalm‬

WNBA players Brittney Griner and her fiancee, Glory Johnson, were both arrested last night for suspicion of assault and disorderly conduct. Alas who says women athletes can’t be the equals of men.

Iowa Congressman Steve King Congressman has proposed a “Restrain the Judges on Marriage Act of 2015″ which would ban federal courts from hearing all marriage-related cases, including same-sex marriage cases.  So the decisions would rest with state courts.
Okay then, does King also feel the feds should stay out of state decisions like legalized marijuana?

 

From Bill Littlejohn   “The Philadelphia Eagles have worked their home schedule around the Pope’s visit—but many of their fans plan to show up and boo him anyway.”

EEE-ww

April 11, 2015

Eight errors for New York so far in five games. Time to refer to them as the YankEEEEEs?

So the Red Sox and Yankees, after 19 innings Friday night, had the early game Saturday night for national television. Wonder how many people on the the East Coast went to bed, woke up and thought “My gawd, they’re STILL playing.”

That 19 innings for the Red Sox and Yankees Friday lasted seven hours and five minutes, including a 16 minute power outage  delay.   And somewhere George Steinbrenner is thinking “Seven hours?  Why I hired and fired Billy Martin fast than that.”

 

The NY Yankees are trying to void $6 million contract bonuses for A-Rod for each person he passes on the all-time home run list, saying they are no longer “milestones”, and they are prepared to go to arbitration over it. This could end up better than “The War of the Roses.”

Forget about hearts in San Francisco. The 2015 Giants appear to have left their bats in Arizona.

 

 

 

So the Atlanta Braves put a punctuation mark on their rebuilding year by trading All-Star closer Craig Kimbrel before the season even started. And they are now, 5-0?! ‪#‎Itsafunnygame

Okay, so ‪#‎Madbum‬ is 1-1 with a 5.40 ERA. ‪#‎Kershaw‬ is 0-1 with a 5.84 ERA. ‪#‎Giants‬ ‪#‎Dodgers‬ ‪#‎Miserylovescompany‬

Providence beats BU 4-3 in the ‪#‎FrozenFour‬ final. But who but me hears “Frozen Four” and thinks of the last ‪#‎SFGiants‬ fans left during most late weeknight games at Candlestick.

 

And wonder how many parents hear “Frozen Four” and think ‘Dear Gawd, not MORE sequels.”

Tiger Woods may or may not ever get back to the top of the golf world, and he may still have the biggest galleries. But Woods will never be as beloved as Phil Mickelson.

Tiger Woods teaching his children not to swear would be kind of like Madonna trying to teach her children to dress appropriately.

The Yankees are now 1-4. Of course, it’s early times, but how long until New Yorkers start looking forward to the Jets season?

Why should the Yankees get all the headlines? – MLB announced that Mets closer Jenrry Mejia has been suspended 80 games after testing positive for stanozolol.

 

Mets closer Mejia “I know the rules are the rules and I will accept my punishment, but I can honestly say I have no idea how a banned substance ended up in my system.” Got to be tempting for MLB to offer a 50% reduction in suspension to the first guy who says “I admit it, I blew it, they caught me.”

 

From  Marc Ragovin  –  “Reuben Flores of the NY Mets is the very definition of a shortstop. He stops the ball and all of his throws come up short.:

From Gary Bachman; “There’s a campaign to put a woman on the twenty dollar bill. And ‘In God We Trust’ will be replaced by “You Go Girl.'”

For those at FOX who want to get a jump on head explosions in advance of Hillary’s announcement tomorrow: “In my opinion, President Obama is an honest man.” Raul Castro.

Opening Day- Closing night

April 6, 2015

On Opening Day at Yankee Stadium, A-Rod apparently got the loudest ovation of any player when he was introduced. Figures, most comics work nights and had the day off.

The NY Times reported today that Jeb Bush listed himself as Hispanic on his 2009 voter registration form. So where is Donald Trump’s call for Jeb’s birth certificate?

Anyone but me think Mike Krzyzewski must have a really scary looking portrait in an attic somewhere? ‪#‎NationalChampionship‬ ‪#‎Duke‬

 

Two controversial calls down the stretch that both went the Blue Devils’ way should do wonders for Duke continuing to be universally loved across the country.

Bo Ryan, 67, would have become the oldest coach in NCAA tournament history to win his first national championship if Wisconsin won tonight. 67?! Makes Ryan about the average age of the San Antonio Spurs.

The Los Angeles Dodgers won 6-3 today, but Clayton Kershaw gave up 3 runs in 6 innings. That’s it, he’s clearly over the hill.

Pedroia and Ramirez on space for 324 home runs each. Pablo Sandoval on pace for 486 strikeouts. ‪#‎OpeningDay‬ ‪#‎Redsox‬ ‪#‎SFGiants‬

So much for all those who thought Kentucky could beat an NBA team. Of course, they still might be able to beat the Lakers.

The Cubs went 0-13 with runners in scoring position and lost 3-0 on “opening night.” So how many of the Wrigley faithful are breaking out new “Wait until next year” t-shirts?

From my friend Scott Russell. “It is apropos that the Red Sox play Boston College in their exhibition opener and the Philadelphia Phillies on opening day.” Scott does not say whether he believes Boston College or the Phillies to have been tougher competition.

In most of Europe, Easter Monday is still a holiday. So why did we in the US fight for independence again?

The playoffs may be different, but for Sunday night, age and treachery still overcome youth and skill. ‪#‎Spurs‬ ‪#‎Warriors‬

In Albuquerque, New Mexico, a father allegedly decided he was too drunk to drive, and got his 13-year-old son to take him on a beer run. Then dad got into an argument in the store and fired his gun eight times. (fortunately hitting no one.)  He was arrested by cops who were conducting a DWI checkpoint across the street.   Your move, Florida.

So in Missouri, a GOP lawmaker has proposed that a bill that would ban food stamps for being used to buy “cookies, chips, energy drinks, soft drinks, seafood or steak.” Yeah, because you’d hate to have them waste money on tunafish? ‪#‎dotheythinkbeforetheycomeupwiththeselaws‬?

What’s in a word?

March 22, 2015

So ‪#‎Wisconsin‬ survives to challenge the ‪#‎NCAA‬ stenographer for at least another day. ‪#‎MarchMadness‬ ‪#‎antidisestablishmentarianism‬

 

(And if you haven’t read aboutf the Badgers and the Stenographer, here’s the link. Might be the best non-Georgia State story of the tournament – http://espn.go.com/blog/collegebasketballnation/post/_/id/105479/nigel-hayes-and-his-wisconsin-teammates-are-fascinated-by-the-ncaa-stenographer)

Stanford vs Rhode Island tonight in the NIT. Many Cardinal fans tuned in, if only for the memories and replays of a game that actually mattered. “And he was FOULED!”

 

 

Stanford holding up ‪#‎Pac12‬ honor in the “Not in Tournament.” So what’s better-worse? Another potential NIT banner? Or being knocked out in the first round of the NCAA’s.

Ted Cruz apparently will announce his candidacy for the Presidency Monday, skipping the usual step of an “exploratory committee.” Well, makes sense. “Exploratory” sounds too much like science.

Jerry Brown said today that U.S. Senator Ted Cruz’ is “unfit” to run for President. It’s actually a birther thing. Cruz was born stupid.

A 46 year old woman was arrested after allegedly stripping on a British Airways flight from Jamaica to London, and then according to the UK Mirror “performing a solo sex act.” Men across the world have one reaction – “Where is the video?”

NY Yankees are advertising individual game tickets against the “best of the American League”. Translation “which in 2015 will not be us.”

In Cottonwood, Arizona, eight police officers and a Walmart employee were assaulted in the store parking lot. Two suspects were shot, one fatally, and seven others were arrested. According to a police spokesman, the suspects are all related. ‪#‎Familyvalues‬ Your move, Florida.

Bloomsburg (Pa.) University dismissed one of their best hitters after he posted a offensive tweet about Mo’ne Davis. (He used the four letter S word that is only marginally better than the four letter C word.)

But okay, once again, the guy is not being dismissed so much for being a sexist pig, but for being idiotic enough to tweet it. ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

John McCain, on CNN, dismissing what “Bibi Netanyahu said during an election campaign.” “If every politician were held to everything they say during a campaign, obviously that would be a topic of long discussion.”

Right, like saying that Sarah Palin was qualified to be President?

If you can ice break it there, you’ll make it anywhere…..

February 17, 2015

New York’s East River is clogged with ice flows. How long until the Circle Line starts trying to make extra money by doing Titanic-themed cruises?

We’re already up to Winter storms Neptune and Octavia. So what happens in another few weeks… do they start with Roman numbers?

 

The Yankees today announced that not only will they retire Andy Pettitte’s #46, they will also retire Bernie Williams’s #51 and Jorge Posada’s #20. So who will be the first Bronx Bomber to wear triple digits?

When the Yankees announced they were retiring  Andy Petitte’s number, it prompted this tweet “”Congrats to 46. Yankees retiring his number. Hopefully they don’t retire it like his HGH testimony,” This from Petitte’s former teammate Chuck Knoblauch. So just guessing those two won’t be on the same team for the next Yankees’ old-timers game?

A 20-year-old American man is out of intensive care after being repeatedly gored during a bull-running festival in Spain, including a major wound in his thigh area. So just MAYBE Darwin’s mission has been accomplished here.

Sorry to hear of the death of former SF Giants coach Wendell Kim, only 64. But thinking that in a softball game in Heaven, Kim’s already waving Ernie Banks around third.

 

Barry Zito has signed a minor-league trade deadline with the As. Makes sense. He has a comfortable history with the team. And if Barry does well, presumably he can count on Oakland trading him to a contender mid-season.

Lesley Gore, 68, who sang the hit “It’s my party,” has passed away. Presumably attendees at her funeral will be told they can “cry if they want to.”

#‎JasonGiambi‬, 44, is retiring. “So young?” asked Jamie Moyer.

 

When a 20 yr-old New Jersey man who’d been drinking crashed a car, he returned in another car with a friend, also allegedly drunk, to pour water on the road. The idea being to make it look like he’d spun out on black ice.

A policeman saw them, along with the empty buckets, and both men were arrested. You’d think if the guy could think of something this creatively weird, he’d have been able to think to call a cab?

The weather has been so bad back East that most Americans trying to honor our Presidents Monday had to resort to shopping online.

Sarah Palin last night on SNL40 to Jerry Seinfeld –
“Just curious, Jerry, how much do you think Lorne Michaels would pay me if I were to run in 2016?”
“Run for president? Sarah, I don’t think there’s a number too big.”
“OK, just hypothetically then, what if I were to choose Donald Trump as my running mate?”

So does Palin actually have a sense of humor, or a fundraising strategy?

Falling Apples.

September 24, 2014

Apple released and pulled iOS 8.0.1 Wednesday. Apparently because the update caused dropped calls and disabled some new iPhone 6’s. The early bird may not get the worm. But they are more likely to get the bugs.

Apparently some of the new iPhones warp. Of course, what’s really warped might be waiting hours and hours in line for a phone that will be easily available in a few months and obsolete by next year.

When deputies pulled over a woman for driving with only one headlight late Monday night they heard crying from the trunk. Turns out she had put her 5-month-old baby into the car trunk, to avoid getting a ticket for not driving with a car seat. You guessed, it – Florida.

A grand jury decided not to file criminal charges against Tony Stewart for hitting and killing Kevin Ward Jr.. The D.A. also said that tests revealed that Ward was under the influence of marijuana “at a high enough level to impair judgment.” Of course the drug that really impairs NASCAR drivers’ judgment is testosterone.

#‎Yankees‬ are selling ‪#‎DerekJeter‬ game-used socks for $400. Shudder to think what they are asking for his jockstraps.

Spirit Airlines has announced “to make sure we have room for everyone’s bags” they are going to charge $2 more for checked bags for all flights between flights between Dec 18 and Jan 5. The probable reaction from other airlines? “Shocking. We should charge at least $10 more.

 

Bill Simmons was suspended 3 weeks for his profane rant about Roger Goodell where he called the commissioner a liar. 3 weeks. Guess he should have just taken a swing at Goodell in an elevator.

The University of Michigan had planned to have the game ball delivered by drone last Saturday in Ann Arbor before the Wolverines’ game with Utah.. The school said they dropped the plan after consulting with the FAA, but rumor has it they didn’t want the drone to have a better completion rate than their QBs.

The New York Yankees have been officially eliminated from the 2014 playoffs. So tonight we can expect an ESPN special on how Derek Jeter is dealing with this tragic event?

So will ‪#‎Yankees‬, out of the playoffs, take some comfort in ‪#‎Dodgers‬, with the new highest MLB payroll, taking their place in postseason?

Some rumors that the ‪#‎SFGiants‬ are boycotting a beat reporter for writing that two teammates had a “heated” argument in the clubhouse. Really? It’s not as if he wrote they had an actual physical fight. Besides, with the Giants this week no one would believe they could hit anything.

Rep. Vance McAllister, the congressman who was caught on tape making out with a staffer, has his wife featured in his latest commercial, In the ad, Kelly McAllister says “A man’s character is based on how many times he gets up and stands again.” Considering the kissing tape, is “gets up”” the right phrase?

A Virgin America flight from Boston to Los Angeles was diverted to Nebraska because, as the police report says, a man was “masturbating in flight and later tried to open an exit door.” This would never happen on United. The seats are too close together for anyone to masturbate.


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