Posted tagged ‘World Series jokes’

It’s over.

October 30, 2013

Okay, congratulations to the Boston Red Sox. But I think I speak for mothers everywhere when I say “Can you shave now?

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Everyone’s happy in Boston tonight. Well, except scalpers who had game seven tickets.

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Will Tim McCarver’s next act be telling Americans how much more he knows about retirement than any of us?

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Although the Red Sox were World Series champions in 2004 and 2007, fans in Boston are talking about what a historic occasion this is because the team hasn’t won the Series clincher AT HOME since 1918. And Cubs fans are thinking “Just STFU.”

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Thinking if the Angels’ Mike Scioscia had pitched to Barry Bonds like the Cardinals’ Mike Matheny pitched to David Ortiz, the SF Giants would have a third trophy with little flags at A T & Park.

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The World Series beat MNF in the ratings. Which could be a sign that Americans really do consider baseball the national pastime. Or that most of us don’t give a damn about the Seahawks and Rams.

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Bob Barker is returning to the “Price is Right” for his 90th birthday. It will be like he never left. Especially for Bob himself, who probably won’t remember leaving.

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The Miami Dolphins had to fix their cheerleader web site yesterday because it was sending mobile users to a pornography site. Presumably they noticed the problem when traffic to the cheerleader site went up 1000%?

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London archaeologists just unearthed a Roman eagle statue that they believe dates from the 1st or 2nd century. Apparently the sculpture hasn’t been seen since it was featured on an early episode of “Larry King Live.”

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A Wisconsin man was arrested after coming home drunk from a Halloween Party and dangling a child upside down from an overpass. Presume he was dressed up as Michael Jackson?

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Kanye West, referring to Kim’s near-nude swimsuit selfie, “Michelle Obama cannot Instagram a pic like what my girl Instagrammed the other day.” “What an a**hole,” said most politicians on both sides of the aisle. “Uh, I’m willing to  chair the investigation of  this picture,” said Bill Clinton.

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The last funeral home in Palo Alto, California is closing tomorrow and the property has been bought by Yahoo’s Marissa Mayer. Insert Yahoo Mail joke here:

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A Fargo, N.D. woman named “Cheryl,” told a local radio station that when “fat” kids come by, instead of candy on Halloween she’ll hand out letters saying “Your child is, in my opinion, moderately obese and should not be consuming sugar and treats.” Why do I feel confident “Cheryl” is single?

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Apparently in Denver authorities dealing with legalized marijuana are grappling with some who are okay with the law, but object to the smell. So they are trying to regulate smoking in open areas. Maybe when Denver figures it out they can pass the same laws about perfume.

Indifference

October 29, 2013

Tuesday is National Cat Day. And most cats are thinking, isn’t EVERY day National Cat Day?

 

Tuesday was also the NBA’s opening night. Which means we’re only 6-7 months from when the games start getting meaningful.

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For all those baseball fans who realize sadly that Wednesday could be the last MLB  game of the year, there’s a silver lining: It’s also the last time we have to listen to Tim McCarver.

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San Diego State played their third annual Halloween baseball game Sunday, with everyone on the field in costume. Big deal, say Cubs fans. For 100 years we’ve been watching guys dress up like professional baseball players.

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Ah that Lane Kiffin legacy. According to CBS Sports, USC is projected for a bowl this year. Except that it’s Dec. 21, the New Mexico Bowl, against San Jose State….

(Says my friend Gib Worley, Kiffin did less with a pack of Trojans than Sean Kemp.)

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Detroit Lions WR Nate Burleson, who broke his arm in a car accident caused by trying to save a pizza from sliding off the passenger seat, says he’s received a year’s free pizza from DiGiorno. Uh, except if Burleson has this much trouble driving with a pizza, do the Lions really want him messing with an oven?

 

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Jeb Bush made a speech last night where he decried “crony capitalism.” And we thought Abbott and Costello had a hard time keeping straight fares during “Who’s on first.”

 

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The Cardinals’ plane was stuck for hours  on the tarmac in St. Louis.    Has Will Middlebrooks been charged with obstruction?

 

Golden Gloves announced for baseball tonight. Not a single winner on the West Coast. So apparently MLB voters have as hard a time staying up to watch those 1030p East Coast games (or highlights) as the folks from ESPN.

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Following his latest arrest, Chris Brown has entered rehab. Must mean he’s serious. About avoiding prison.

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Johnny Manziel, asked who he’d most like to party with, first came up with… Charlie Sheen. Let’s see, time to open the pools. Date Manziel signs his first NFL contract? Date of his next arrest? Pick both and make it a daily double.

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Just as an aside to this whole NSA tapped cellphone mess, somewhere is George W. Bush thinking “oh, so that’s why Cheney told me Angela Merkel liked having her shoulders rubbed?”

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Currently dismissed Notre Dame QB Everett Golson in an SI interview. “I had poor judgment on a test It wasn’t due to poor grades or anything like that.” Asked “Did you cheat on a test?” “Yeah, something like that.” “SOMETHING” like that? Since Golson is planning to reapply in 2014 and play again, maybe he should figure that the rules might be a little more specific..

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The federal administrator in charge of the Obamacare site apologized today and said “HealthCare.gov can and will be fixed.” And wonder how many in the GOP said “Hmm, time to hire some (more?) hackers..”

Dispirit of St. Louis

October 28, 2013
Cardinals lost 3-1 to the Red Sox.  Rams had a  sure comeback fall short at the 2 yard line. Tonight’s headline “Dispirit of St. Louis.”

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Nah, there’s no bias on Fox World Series coverage. Joe Buck – “The National League has won the last three World Series, including these Cardinals in 2011.” Would it kill him to mention the other teams, or rather, team?

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Tim McCarver and Joe Buck were so convinced the Red Sox shouldn’t have been holding Wong on last night, we’re lucky they didn’t miss the end of the game altogether with another in-dugout interview or something.

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How boring. The only big mistakes in tonight’s #WorldSeries game were hanging curveballs.

 

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Why is ANYONE still pitching to #DavidOrtiz in this World Series? #insanity

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A 31-year-old Texas man survived being struck by lighting twice last weekend. First when he was standing under a tree, then when he dropped to his knees and was struck again. The man says he believes God kept him alive, and he will start going to church more. Uh, maybe during storms he should start standing under trees less.

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Rick Santorum said of Ted Cruz’s efforts that resulted in a government shutdown “In the end, he did more harm” to the GOP than good. Well, Santorum ought to know, since in 2006 his 18% loss was one of the largest defeats by a Republican senator trying to be re-elected in U.S. history.

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Ryanair has released their annual calendar featuring scantily-clad flight attendants, which is a fundraiser for cancer research. Could be worse. The discount carrier could demand passengers either wear minimal clothes or pay a fee to cut down on weight in the cabin.

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From my funny friend Howard Fox  “The other day in Washington, a boy’s dog was blamed for starting an apartment fire. Unfortunately for the boy, his homework survived.”

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Miley Cyrus was quoted in Cosmopolitan as saying “I feel like I’m kind of an underdog in a cool way. Like, society wants to shut me down.” “Shut her down?” More like “Just make her go away.”

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Not sure if Stanford football is as good as their ranking, but they and other Pac 12 teams rank higher in the BCS than the Coaches’ and AP polls. Makes sense. the computers don’t go to bed before the second half of all these West Coast night games.

 

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A federal judge ruled that Texas’s new abortion restrictions are unconstitutional. Which means probably that some in the GOP will try to start blocking more judicial appointments over Obamacare or Benghazi.

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Marco Rubio now favors a House piecemeal approach over the comprehensive immigration reform passed by the Senate earlier this year. Not that unusual, except that the Senate bill…. was one that Rubio largely authored.

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BYU, over 98% Mormon, has already accepted a bid to the Kraft Fight Hunger Bowl in San Francisco. Unhappiest people about this invitation? San Francisco bar owners.

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The Carolina Panthers’ Mike Mitchell, who got his 5th fine of the year last week, $7,875 for taunting, claims the NFL and Roger Goodell are targeting him. Well if they weren’t before, they probably are now.

 

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Fat lady singing?

October 27, 2013

The way these World Series endings are going,  the fat lady won’t sing, she’ll slip on a banana peel.

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So what will end tomorrow’s World Series game? A wild pitch, a balk, batting out of order?

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So did the #Cardinals and #RedSox sign a secret contract promising at least one brain freeze per #WorldSeries game?

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The theme of this year’s World Series? “It’s a simple game, you throw the ball you hit the ball, sometimes you catch the ball.”

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The NY Jets have had a few weeks without a quarterback circus. Break time is apparently over.

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Just how bad is the NFL Least? The 2-6 NY Giants are only two games out of first.

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So much for another BCS title game between two SEC teams. It’s not even November and the conference only has one undefeated team and two one-loss teams left. Wonder if they’ve asked the NCAA about starting the playoff system a year early.

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Chris Brown was arrested this morning for felony assault. So congratulations to all those who had October 27 in the pool.

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Well, for all those tired of discussing football’s “push” rule ad infinitum, now we can discuss baseball’s obstruction rule ad infinitum….

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A man was arrested yesterday at JFK Airport for checking three illegal weapons plus a loaded rifle in his luggage. On top of a fifth gun that was legal. Wonder if the airline refunded his baggage fee.

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How ugly are the Red Sox playoff beards? Parents of teenagers and college students may be so relieved their children aren’t emulating the players that their reaction to another way of standing out might be “Oh, it’s only a tattoo.”

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Dick Cheney is predicting his daughter Liz will unseat Mike Enzi, the sitting GOP Wyoming senator in next year’s primary. “The fact of the matter is, Washington is not going to elect the next senator from Wyoming, the people of Wyoming will elect the senator.” Interesting choice of words considering Liz Cheney just moved to Jackson Hole from a D.C. suburb last year.

You have to hand it to him.

October 27, 2013

David Ortiz played  first base last night in the World Series So after the controversy about Jon Lester, this will make Big Papi the second Boston player with a possible foreign substance on his hand – his glove.

(wonder if he had to ask a clubhouse assistant, which hand?)

 

Wonder how often umpire Jim Joyce has thought he’s tired of mostly being known for the blown call in what have been Armando Galarraga’s perfect game. (At least last night wasn’t game 7. And this time the call was right.)

 

Facebook finally has a working edit function to fix typos in posts. Dyslexics and overly fast typists of the world are untied in happiness!

 

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Bill Sharman, 87, a Hall of Fame player with the Celtics and coach with the Lakers, passed away Friday. Less well known, however, is how much fun Sharman had playing youth pickup games with Greg Oden.

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Nick Saban has taken away seating privileges for some fraternities and other groups at Alabama’s Bryant-Denny stadium the students involved weren’t staying for the whole games. Season ticket holders are hoping the Los Angeles Dodgers don’t ever adopt this idea.

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Jeff Garcia, 43, says about potentially returning to the NFL, “there’s a fire that still burns.”. Is he sure that’s not heartburn or arthritis?

(my friend Jon N. suggests, “If it’s the burning that is driving the decision, he should try a full course of penicillin before making any serious choices.”)

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Joe Montana, on the 49ers moving to Santa Clara, complained now San Francisco “made a terrible effort” to keep the team in the city. Wonder why the legendary QB is speaking up now? I don’t suppose the fact that Montana himself has been unable to reach a deal with Santa Clara officials about building a hotel-restaurant next to the new stadium has anything to do with it.

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In a Big 12 matchup, Oklahoma handed Texas Tech their first loss. So have to figure Sooners fans got all kinds of bouquets from fans of 1-loss SEC teams?

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Roger Goodell says he wants NFL teams in both London and L.A. “but it doesn’t matter which one is first.” And London and L.A. are thinking “You take the Jaguars, no, after you, no, after you….”

 

Duke 13, Virginia Tech 10. And millions of sports fans around the U.S. are saying “So who cares about pre-season first quarter college basketball scores.”

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Ted Cruz said the country is “facing a new paradigm in politics and it is the paradigm of the rise of the grassroots which has Washington terrified.” Maybe, but if President Obama used the word “paradigm” FOX News etc would have immediately accused him of being elitist.

 

(and wonder how many Cruz supporters have any idea what he meant.)

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Darrell Wallace Jr. won a trucks race at Martinsville Speedway in Virginia, the first black driver in almost 50 years to win on NASCAR’s national level. Number one reaction – NASCAR has black drivers?l

Friday Night No Lights ?

October 25, 2013

So tonight, no MLB postseason baseball, no NFL football. In other words, recent business as usual in Southern California.

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And so far, two very sloppy games. But then you can’t spell #WorldSeries without “E”s.

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In a recent interview, Brett Favre said ‘God only knows the toll’ (with his concussions) and admitted forgetting some details about his family life. Of course, there’s a name for people who forget that kind of detail. They’re called “men.”

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The GOP keeps attacking Obamacare. In part no doubt because they think Americans would be better off with the great Republican alternative healthcare reform plan that the party has put forward in great detail…. Oops, never mind.

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Cory Vaughn, a Mets minor leaguer currently playing for the Scottsdale Scorpions in the Arizona Fall League, is recovering after being bit in the leg by a scorpion. Good thing the kid doesn’t play for a team affiliated with the Detroit Tigers.

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Ted Cruz has railed against other members of Congress and staffers for accepting federal health insurance support. No doubt he’d prefer to pay his own way, except it turns out that Ted gets health insurance though his wife, who is an executive at Goldman Sachs….

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Kraft has recalled some of their cheese products after they changed color and showed signs of spoilage before their expiration date. Shocking !   Kraft actually created cheese products that had an expiration date?

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According to USA Today, U.S. Patent and Trademark Office received a registration application for the name “Washington Bravehearts” for the purpose of “Entertainment in the nature of football games.” The Redskins claim they have nothing to do with it. Makes sense, it’s the team’s long suffering fans who truly need to be bravehearted.

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The GOP chair of a North Carolina county precinct apparently was forced resign yesterday after an interview aired on the Daily Show where he defended tougher voter ID rules and said “if it hurts a bunch of lazy blacks who want the government to give them everything so be it.” Wonder if he had to resign for the racism or the stupidity .

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Now that pictures have surfaced of Doug Gansler’s hanging out at his son’s graduation party with underage drinkers, the Maryland attorney general (and gubernatorial candidate) is saying, several days later, that he made a mistake by not trying to stop the party. Uh, what he means is, he made a mistake by not realizing these days that EVERYTHING gets posted online.

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This is the same Gansler who made a public service commercial saying parents are the leading influence on their kids’ behavior when it comes to alcohol, noting, “It’s never too early to talk to your kids about smart ways to say, `No.”‘.   Uh and it’s also never too early to say “I made a mistake.”

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Rumors out of Tampa say the Buccaneers coach Greg Schiano may be fired before the end of the year. In Schiano’s favor, not sure who Tampa Bay could get instead willing to take over that mess.

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Ah yes, the private sector. United Airlines cancels a flight from SF to JFK tomorrow for “airport conditions.” Computer doesn’t rebook passengers. No options within several hours. Called them to negotiate Newark as an option. While talking to the agent, United puts in a new flight SF to JFK a few minutes after the cancelled flight. Still doesn’t rebook cancelled passengers on it. In fact, says the flight is sold out in the booked class. 15 minutes later supervisor gets it done manually. (So did the ACA designers use an airline website model?)

Rule Britannia?

October 24, 2013

The NFL keeps increasing the number of games in London in hopes of basing a team there someday. Might not be as hard to get players to move to England as the league might think – the country would have free healthcare for all their children and baby mamas.

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Apparently after Sam Bradford’s season-ending injury, the St. Louis Rams reached out to… Brett Favre. But the 44-year-old said that he really is retired now. “Couldn’t you have given it one more chance?” said every comedy writer in the country?

 

Alabama coach Nick Saban is complaining that Crimson Tide fans are leaving at halftime. Maybe it would help if the team scheduled opponents who would keep the game competitive after the first quarter.

 

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What’s scarier? That the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are now 0-7? Or that they probably aren’t the worst NFL team in Florida?

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Former Oregon Ducks TE Colt Lyerla, who left the team Oct 6 for what he said were “personal reason”, was arrested last night for cocaine possession. When he quit, Lyerla said that he “would pursue an NFL career.” Sounds like he’s well on his way to being league ready.

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Cal’s current football player graduation rate last in the conference and last among all BCS schools. Gosh, who’d a thunk the Bears would be the Pac 12 team to beat SEC teams at something?

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Where’s a good tornado when you need one? The Westboro Baptist Church plans to picket the World Series because Americans “worship the false idol of baseball.” Silly silly hateful bigots. Most Americans do not worship baseball. They worship football.

 

Apparently a breathalyzer test is being developed that will catch stoned drivers, as opposed to those might have just smoked the day before. Of course, it might be cheaper to just hold up a bag of Doritos, and see if the suspect snatches it from the officer’s hand.

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Why do I have a feeling this may be one of the understatements of the year. After Spirit Airlines delayed flights up to 12 hours for engine inspections, an airport spokesman said “there were several dozen people in Terminal 4 overnight. There were no arrests. Some did lose their tempers, but it was all worked out amicably.”

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Hope game 2 of the World Series is more competitive. The way they played last night the St. Louis Cardinals won’t be able plausibly to sell “game-used” gloves.

A STL minor league pitcher accused Boston pitcher Jon Lester of doctoring the ball, and pictures do show something in Lester’s glove, though the Cardinals never complained during the game. But come on, the Red Sox cheating? Just who would they have to think they are? The Patriots?

The average postseason baseball game has gone 3 hrs & 22 min. And fans of #Yankees #Redsox games are thinking, how do they play that fast?

 

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This Carlos Beltran is a pretty tough dude. If he were healthy all the way through 2011, would the SF Giants be sitting on a “three-peat?”

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Just maybe it is not a good idea to throw strikes to David Ortiz with runners on base in this postseason?

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For those who think I only pick on the SEC, Oregon and USC, this gem is from ASU via a friend ‘

“”I don’t know what that word is man. Arizona St. education, bro’. Break that one down for me.” Dustin Pedroia

What’s that? Oh, the word that confused him was “validity”.

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A couple was fined $250 each for having oral sex on a flight from Medford to Las Vegas. No word on how much the airline charged passengers for an entertainment fee.

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From BIll Littlejohn:

Marlins President David Samson predicts that his team will be playing October baseball next year.Boy, those Arizona Winter Leagues are starting earlier and earlier”
 

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