Posted tagged ‘World Series jokes’

It’s over.

October 30, 2013

Okay, congratulations to the Boston Red Sox. But I think I speak for mothers everywhere when I say “Can you shave now?

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Everyone’s happy in Boston tonight. Well, except scalpers who had game seven tickets.

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Will Tim McCarver’s next act be telling Americans how much more he knows about retirement than any of us?

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Although the Red Sox were World Series champions in 2004 and 2007, fans in Boston are talking about what a historic occasion this is because the team hasn’t won the Series clincher AT HOME since 1918. And Cubs fans are thinking “Just STFU.”

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Thinking if the Angels’ Mike Scioscia had pitched to Barry Bonds like the Cardinals’ Mike Matheny pitched to David Ortiz, the SF Giants would have a third trophy with little flags at A T & Park.

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The World Series beat MNF in the ratings. Which could be a sign that Americans really do consider baseball the national pastime. Or that most of us don’t give a damn about the Seahawks and Rams.

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Bob Barker is returning to the “Price is Right” for his 90th birthday. It will be like he never left. Especially for Bob himself, who probably won’t remember leaving.

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The Miami Dolphins had to fix their cheerleader web site yesterday because it was sending mobile users to a pornography site. Presumably they noticed the problem when traffic to the cheerleader site went up 1000%?

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London archaeologists just unearthed a Roman eagle statue that they believe dates from the 1st or 2nd century. Apparently the sculpture hasn’t been seen since it was featured on an early episode of “Larry King Live.”

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A Wisconsin man was arrested after coming home drunk from a Halloween Party and dangling a child upside down from an overpass. Presume he was dressed up as Michael Jackson?

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Kanye West, referring to Kim’s near-nude swimsuit selfie, “Michelle Obama cannot Instagram a pic like what my girl Instagrammed the other day.” “What an a**hole,” said most politicians on both sides of the aisle. “Uh, I’m willing to  chair the investigation of  this picture,” said Bill Clinton.

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The last funeral home in Palo Alto, California is closing tomorrow and the property has been bought by Yahoo’s Marissa Mayer. Insert Yahoo Mail joke here:

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A Fargo, N.D. woman named “Cheryl,” told a local radio station that when “fat” kids come by, instead of candy on Halloween she’ll hand out letters saying “Your child is, in my opinion, moderately obese and should not be consuming sugar and treats.” Why do I feel confident “Cheryl” is single?

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Apparently in Denver authorities dealing with legalized marijuana are grappling with some who are okay with the law, but object to the smell. So they are trying to regulate smoking in open areas. Maybe when Denver figures it out they can pass the same laws about perfume.

Indifference

October 29, 2013

Tuesday is National Cat Day. And most cats are thinking, isn’t EVERY day National Cat Day?

 

Tuesday was also the NBA’s opening night. Which means we’re only 6-7 months from when the games start getting meaningful.

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For all those baseball fans who realize sadly that Wednesday could be the last MLB  game of the year, there’s a silver lining: It’s also the last time we have to listen to Tim McCarver.

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San Diego State played their third annual Halloween baseball game Sunday, with everyone on the field in costume. Big deal, say Cubs fans. For 100 years we’ve been watching guys dress up like professional baseball players.

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Ah that Lane Kiffin legacy. According to CBS Sports, USC is projected for a bowl this year. Except that it’s Dec. 21, the New Mexico Bowl, against San Jose State….

(Says my friend Gib Worley, Kiffin did less with a pack of Trojans than Sean Kemp.)

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Detroit Lions WR Nate Burleson, who broke his arm in a car accident caused by trying to save a pizza from sliding off the passenger seat, says he’s received a year’s free pizza from DiGiorno. Uh, except if Burleson has this much trouble driving with a pizza, do the Lions really want him messing with an oven?

 

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Jeb Bush made a speech last night where he decried “crony capitalism.” And we thought Abbott and Costello had a hard time keeping straight fares during “Who’s on first.”

 

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The Cardinals’ plane was stuck for hours  on the tarmac in St. Louis.    Has Will Middlebrooks been charged with obstruction?

 

Golden Gloves announced for baseball tonight. Not a single winner on the West Coast. So apparently MLB voters have as hard a time staying up to watch those 1030p East Coast games (or highlights) as the folks from ESPN.

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Following his latest arrest, Chris Brown has entered rehab. Must mean he’s serious. About avoiding prison.

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Johnny Manziel, asked who he’d most like to party with, first came up with… Charlie Sheen. Let’s see, time to open the pools. Date Manziel signs his first NFL contract? Date of his next arrest? Pick both and make it a daily double.

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Just as an aside to this whole NSA tapped cellphone mess, somewhere is George W. Bush thinking “oh, so that’s why Cheney told me Angela Merkel liked having her shoulders rubbed?”

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Currently dismissed Notre Dame QB Everett Golson in an SI interview. “I had poor judgment on a test It wasn’t due to poor grades or anything like that.” Asked “Did you cheat on a test?” “Yeah, something like that.” “SOMETHING” like that? Since Golson is planning to reapply in 2014 and play again, maybe he should figure that the rules might be a little more specific..

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The federal administrator in charge of the Obamacare site apologized today and said “HealthCare.gov can and will be fixed.” And wonder how many in the GOP said “Hmm, time to hire some (more?) hackers..”

Dispirit of St. Louis

October 28, 2013
Cardinals lost 3-1 to the Red Sox.  Rams had a  sure comeback fall short at the 2 yard line. Tonight’s headline “Dispirit of St. Louis.”

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Nah, there’s no bias on Fox World Series coverage. Joe Buck – “The National League has won the last three World Series, including these Cardinals in 2011.” Would it kill him to mention the other teams, or rather, team?

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Tim McCarver and Joe Buck were so convinced the Red Sox shouldn’t have been holding Wong on last night, we’re lucky they didn’t miss the end of the game altogether with another in-dugout interview or something.

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How boring. The only big mistakes in tonight’s #WorldSeries game were hanging curveballs.

 

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Why is ANYONE still pitching to #DavidOrtiz in this World Series? #insanity

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A 31-year-old Texas man survived being struck by lighting twice last weekend. First when he was standing under a tree, then when he dropped to his knees and was struck again. The man says he believes God kept him alive, and he will start going to church more. Uh, maybe during storms he should start standing under trees less.

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Rick Santorum said of Ted Cruz’s efforts that resulted in a government shutdown “In the end, he did more harm” to the GOP than good. Well, Santorum ought to know, since in 2006 his 18% loss was one of the largest defeats by a Republican senator trying to be re-elected in U.S. history.

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Ryanair has released their annual calendar featuring scantily-clad flight attendants, which is a fundraiser for cancer research. Could be worse. The discount carrier could demand passengers either wear minimal clothes or pay a fee to cut down on weight in the cabin.

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From my funny friend Howard Fox  “The other day in Washington, a boy’s dog was blamed for starting an apartment fire. Unfortunately for the boy, his homework survived.”

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Miley Cyrus was quoted in Cosmopolitan as saying “I feel like I’m kind of an underdog in a cool way. Like, society wants to shut me down.” “Shut her down?” More like “Just make her go away.”

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Not sure if Stanford football is as good as their ranking, but they and other Pac 12 teams rank higher in the BCS than the Coaches’ and AP polls. Makes sense. the computers don’t go to bed before the second half of all these West Coast night games.

 

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A federal judge ruled that Texas’s new abortion restrictions are unconstitutional. Which means probably that some in the GOP will try to start blocking more judicial appointments over Obamacare or Benghazi.

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Marco Rubio now favors a House piecemeal approach over the comprehensive immigration reform passed by the Senate earlier this year. Not that unusual, except that the Senate bill…. was one that Rubio largely authored.

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BYU, over 98% Mormon, has already accepted a bid to the Kraft Fight Hunger Bowl in San Francisco. Unhappiest people about this invitation? San Francisco bar owners.

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The Carolina Panthers’ Mike Mitchell, who got his 5th fine of the year last week, $7,875 for taunting, claims the NFL and Roger Goodell are targeting him. Well if they weren’t before, they probably are now.

 

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Fat lady singing?

October 27, 2013

The way these World Series endings are going,  the fat lady won’t sing, she’ll slip on a banana peel.

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So what will end tomorrow’s World Series game? A wild pitch, a balk, batting out of order?

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So did the #Cardinals and #RedSox sign a secret contract promising at least one brain freeze per #WorldSeries game?

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The theme of this year’s World Series? “It’s a simple game, you throw the ball you hit the ball, sometimes you catch the ball.”

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The NY Jets have had a few weeks without a quarterback circus. Break time is apparently over.

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Just how bad is the NFL Least? The 2-6 NY Giants are only two games out of first.

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So much for another BCS title game between two SEC teams. It’s not even November and the conference only has one undefeated team and two one-loss teams left. Wonder if they’ve asked the NCAA about starting the playoff system a year early.

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Chris Brown was arrested this morning for felony assault. So congratulations to all those who had October 27 in the pool.

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Well, for all those tired of discussing football’s “push” rule ad infinitum, now we can discuss baseball’s obstruction rule ad infinitum….

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A man was arrested yesterday at JFK Airport for checking three illegal weapons plus a loaded rifle in his luggage. On top of a fifth gun that was legal. Wonder if the airline refunded his baggage fee.

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How ugly are the Red Sox playoff beards? Parents of teenagers and college students may be so relieved their children aren’t emulating the players that their reaction to another way of standing out might be “Oh, it’s only a tattoo.”

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Dick Cheney is predicting his daughter Liz will unseat Mike Enzi, the sitting GOP Wyoming senator in next year’s primary. “The fact of the matter is, Washington is not going to elect the next senator from Wyoming, the people of Wyoming will elect the senator.” Interesting choice of words considering Liz Cheney just moved to Jackson Hole from a D.C. suburb last year.

You have to hand it to him.

October 27, 2013

David Ortiz played  first base last night in the World Series So after the controversy about Jon Lester, this will make Big Papi the second Boston player with a possible foreign substance on his hand – his glove.

(wonder if he had to ask a clubhouse assistant, which hand?)

 

Wonder how often umpire Jim Joyce has thought he’s tired of mostly being known for the blown call in what have been Armando Galarraga’s perfect game. (At least last night wasn’t game 7. And this time the call was right.)

 

Facebook finally has a working edit function to fix typos in posts. Dyslexics and overly fast typists of the world are untied in happiness!

 

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Bill Sharman, 87, a Hall of Fame player with the Celtics and coach with the Lakers, passed away Friday. Less well known, however, is how much fun Sharman had playing youth pickup games with Greg Oden.

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Nick Saban has taken away seating privileges for some fraternities and other groups at Alabama’s Bryant-Denny stadium the students involved weren’t staying for the whole games. Season ticket holders are hoping the Los Angeles Dodgers don’t ever adopt this idea.

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Jeff Garcia, 43, says about potentially returning to the NFL, “there’s a fire that still burns.”. Is he sure that’s not heartburn or arthritis?

(my friend Jon N. suggests, “If it’s the burning that is driving the decision, he should try a full course of penicillin before making any serious choices.”)

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Joe Montana, on the 49ers moving to Santa Clara, complained now San Francisco “made a terrible effort” to keep the team in the city. Wonder why the legendary QB is speaking up now? I don’t suppose the fact that Montana himself has been unable to reach a deal with Santa Clara officials about building a hotel-restaurant next to the new stadium has anything to do with it.

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In a Big 12 matchup, Oklahoma handed Texas Tech their first loss. So have to figure Sooners fans got all kinds of bouquets from fans of 1-loss SEC teams?

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Roger Goodell says he wants NFL teams in both London and L.A. “but it doesn’t matter which one is first.” And London and L.A. are thinking “You take the Jaguars, no, after you, no, after you….”

 

Duke 13, Virginia Tech 10. And millions of sports fans around the U.S. are saying “So who cares about pre-season first quarter college basketball scores.”

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Ted Cruz said the country is “facing a new paradigm in politics and it is the paradigm of the rise of the grassroots which has Washington terrified.” Maybe, but if President Obama used the word “paradigm” FOX News etc would have immediately accused him of being elitist.

 

(and wonder how many Cruz supporters have any idea what he meant.)

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Darrell Wallace Jr. won a trucks race at Martinsville Speedway in Virginia, the first black driver in almost 50 years to win on NASCAR’s national level. Number one reaction – NASCAR has black drivers?l

Friday Night No Lights ?

October 25, 2013

So tonight, no MLB postseason baseball, no NFL football. In other words, recent business as usual in Southern California.

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And so far, two very sloppy games. But then you can’t spell #WorldSeries without “E”s.

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In a recent interview, Brett Favre said ‘God only knows the toll’ (with his concussions) and admitted forgetting some details about his family life. Of course, there’s a name for people who forget that kind of detail. They’re called “men.”

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The GOP keeps attacking Obamacare. In part no doubt because they think Americans would be better off with the great Republican alternative healthcare reform plan that the party has put forward in great detail…. Oops, never mind.

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Cory Vaughn, a Mets minor leaguer currently playing for the Scottsdale Scorpions in the Arizona Fall League, is recovering after being bit in the leg by a scorpion. Good thing the kid doesn’t play for a team affiliated with the Detroit Tigers.

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Ted Cruz has railed against other members of Congress and staffers for accepting federal health insurance support. No doubt he’d prefer to pay his own way, except it turns out that Ted gets health insurance though his wife, who is an executive at Goldman Sachs….

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Kraft has recalled some of their cheese products after they changed color and showed signs of spoilage before their expiration date. Shocking !   Kraft actually created cheese products that had an expiration date?

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According to USA Today, U.S. Patent and Trademark Office received a registration application for the name “Washington Bravehearts” for the purpose of “Entertainment in the nature of football games.” The Redskins claim they have nothing to do with it. Makes sense, it’s the team’s long suffering fans who truly need to be bravehearted.

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The GOP chair of a North Carolina county precinct apparently was forced resign yesterday after an interview aired on the Daily Show where he defended tougher voter ID rules and said “if it hurts a bunch of lazy blacks who want the government to give them everything so be it.” Wonder if he had to resign for the racism or the stupidity .

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Now that pictures have surfaced of Doug Gansler’s hanging out at his son’s graduation party with underage drinkers, the Maryland attorney general (and gubernatorial candidate) is saying, several days later, that he made a mistake by not trying to stop the party. Uh, what he means is, he made a mistake by not realizing these days that EVERYTHING gets posted online.

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This is the same Gansler who made a public service commercial saying parents are the leading influence on their kids’ behavior when it comes to alcohol, noting, “It’s never too early to talk to your kids about smart ways to say, `No.”‘.   Uh and it’s also never too early to say “I made a mistake.”

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Rumors out of Tampa say the Buccaneers coach Greg Schiano may be fired before the end of the year. In Schiano’s favor, not sure who Tampa Bay could get instead willing to take over that mess.

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Ah yes, the private sector. United Airlines cancels a flight from SF to JFK tomorrow for “airport conditions.” Computer doesn’t rebook passengers. No options within several hours. Called them to negotiate Newark as an option. While talking to the agent, United puts in a new flight SF to JFK a few minutes after the cancelled flight. Still doesn’t rebook cancelled passengers on it. In fact, says the flight is sold out in the booked class. 15 minutes later supervisor gets it done manually. (So did the ACA designers use an airline website model?)

Rule Britannia?

October 24, 2013

The NFL keeps increasing the number of games in London in hopes of basing a team there someday. Might not be as hard to get players to move to England as the league might think – the country would have free healthcare for all their children and baby mamas.

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Apparently after Sam Bradford’s season-ending injury, the St. Louis Rams reached out to… Brett Favre. But the 44-year-old said that he really is retired now. “Couldn’t you have given it one more chance?” said every comedy writer in the country?

 

Alabama coach Nick Saban is complaining that Crimson Tide fans are leaving at halftime. Maybe it would help if the team scheduled opponents who would keep the game competitive after the first quarter.

 

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What’s scarier? That the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are now 0-7? Or that they probably aren’t the worst NFL team in Florida?

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Former Oregon Ducks TE Colt Lyerla, who left the team Oct 6 for what he said were “personal reason”, was arrested last night for cocaine possession. When he quit, Lyerla said that he “would pursue an NFL career.” Sounds like he’s well on his way to being league ready.

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Cal’s current football player graduation rate last in the conference and last among all BCS schools. Gosh, who’d a thunk the Bears would be the Pac 12 team to beat SEC teams at something?

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Where’s a good tornado when you need one? The Westboro Baptist Church plans to picket the World Series because Americans “worship the false idol of baseball.” Silly silly hateful bigots. Most Americans do not worship baseball. They worship football.

 

Apparently a breathalyzer test is being developed that will catch stoned drivers, as opposed to those might have just smoked the day before. Of course, it might be cheaper to just hold up a bag of Doritos, and see if the suspect snatches it from the officer’s hand.

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Why do I have a feeling this may be one of the understatements of the year. After Spirit Airlines delayed flights up to 12 hours for engine inspections, an airport spokesman said “there were several dozen people in Terminal 4 overnight. There were no arrests. Some did lose their tempers, but it was all worked out amicably.”

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Hope game 2 of the World Series is more competitive. The way they played last night the St. Louis Cardinals won’t be able plausibly to sell “game-used” gloves.

A STL minor league pitcher accused Boston pitcher Jon Lester of doctoring the ball, and pictures do show something in Lester’s glove, though the Cardinals never complained during the game. But come on, the Red Sox cheating? Just who would they have to think they are? The Patriots?

The average postseason baseball game has gone 3 hrs & 22 min. And fans of #Yankees #Redsox games are thinking, how do they play that fast?

 

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This Carlos Beltran is a pretty tough dude. If he were healthy all the way through 2011, would the SF Giants be sitting on a “three-peat?”

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Just maybe it is not a good idea to throw strikes to David Ortiz with runners on base in this postseason?

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For those who think I only pick on the SEC, Oregon and USC, this gem is from ASU via a friend ‘

“”I don’t know what that word is man. Arizona St. education, bro’. Break that one down for me.” Dustin Pedroia

What’s that? Oh, the word that confused him was “validity”.

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A couple was fined $250 each for having oral sex on a flight from Medford to Las Vegas. No word on how much the airline charged passengers for an entertainment fee.

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From BIll Littlejohn:

Marlins President David Samson predicts that his team will be playing October baseball next year.Boy, those Arizona Winter Leagues are starting earlier and earlier”
 

World not so Serious?

October 23, 2013

If the Boston Red Sox win the World Series will their MVP turn out to be the most famous beard since Katie Holmes?

 

Are the Cardinals trying to vie with the SF 49ers this week in appealing to British fans who normally follow soccer? This might explain the “no hands” defense.

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#SFGiants in the news: Team re-signs Lincecum and Kanye proposes to Kim at A T & T. Wonder which relationship will last longer.

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The World Series is supposed to be the best two teams in baseball playing each other? Tonight looks more like the baseball equivalent of one of those great SEC-cupcake matchups.

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And somewhere scattered across the U.S. Pirates and Dodgers players watched WS game 1, and thought “How the bleep did we lose to these guys?”

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Many Americans profess complete disinterest in the christening of Prince George, because they can’t imagine caring about someone who will only rule due to an accident of birth. They’d much prefer to speculate over whether Jeb Bush might run in 2016 against Hillary Clinton.

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The SF Giants aren’t saying exactly how much Kanye West paid to rent A T and T Park for his proposal. I’m just wondering, how many celebrity proposals and weddings will it take to pay for a power hitting left fielder?

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The NBA owners has decided to change their playoff Finals format from 2-3-2 to 2-2-1-1-1, with an extra day off between Games 6 and 7. Another small step on the way to making the Finals “The Summer Classic.”

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The Cleveland Browns are the latest NFL team to bench their starting QB for poor performance. And several others are barely hanging on. Starting to think maybe God really wants to see the return of Tim Tebow.

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You can’t make this “stuff” up dept: Three elementary children were treated for minor injuries sustained during a school safety demonstration in Southern California – the injuries apparently resulted from a panic when a police officer’s gun discharged.

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McDonald’s is rebranding ther “Dollar Menu” to the “Dollar Menu & More” items at $1, $2 and up to $5. Guess the chain is hoping Americans are as good at math as they are at making healthy food choices.

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Oops. A University of Iowa math T.A.meant to email students some math problem answers, but instead accidentally sent nude photos of herself and her boyfriend. Once again prompting millions of men to ask “where were these teachers when I was in college?”

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From Gary M.  “Apparently Kanye West proposed to Kim Kardashian Monday night at A T and T Park.  One of the few ‘locals’ to score at AT&T this year.

Doh – ritos

October 22, 2013

A new Gallup poll says 58% of Americans now support legalizing marijuana, the highest percentage ever. And no doubt that doesn’t count another 5-10% who responded, “uh, sure, maybe, I don’t know, what was that question again, man?

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n an effort to combat drug-trafficking, Uruguay will start selling legal marijuana for $1 a gram. In related news, expect travel agents soon to report a huge surge in vacation requests for Montevideo.

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Why punctuation and careful typing matters, sports version. A fan purchased a World Series ticket on Stubhub for $3.00 (plus a $3 service fee). After the seller apparently left out a comma and/or a couple zeros.

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Temperatures in Boston are supposed to dip down to near freezing Wednesday night for the opening of the World Series. Guess that’s why they call it the “Winter Classic.”

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The NFL continues their Europe marketing plan with SF-Jacksonsville in London this weekend. And the Brits are thinking “Okay, thanks for sending the 49ers over, don’t we get a second professional team?”

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Apparently Kanye West proposed to Kim Kardashian Monday night at A T and T Park. So SF fans, yes, the park has finally seen something scarier than the 2013 Giants’ hitting with runners in scoring position….

(alternate punchline “scarier than Brian Wilson in a Dodgers uniform.”    Other suggestions encouraged.)

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Tim Lincecum signed a new contract with the SF Giants for two years, $35 million. Guess we know a reason why they were willing to take Kanye West’s money.

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John McCain is thinking of running for re-election to the Senate in 2016, when he will be 80. And Hillary Clinton is thrilled- McCain will make her look young and vigorous!

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Why men should not do wedding planning. A British groom was sentenced to a year in jail after he admitted to calling in a bomb hoax for St. George’s Hall in Liverpool. He was trying to cover up the fact he had forgotten to book the hall for his own wedding…..

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Apparently the NY Jets knew the Patriots might try the illegal pushing play during field goals, and alerted the refs to watch for it. And the Sunday before, the Patriots had allegedly tried it against New Orleans, whose defensive coordinator is… Rob Ryan. Oh brother.

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Regarding the Obamacare website and the idea that it would be up and running without bugs on schedule: these folks may know how to reform healthcare, but they sure don’t know software engineers.

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Despite polls showing the voters overwhelmingly blaming the GOP for the government shutdown, Ted Cruz said he’ll try to do it again in January. At this rate the Texas senator stands to get a lot of donations – from Democrats.

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Just proving that when it comes to crazy, your state may matter more than your political party. Democratic congressman Alan Grayson, who is white, sent a fundraising email which equated the Tea Party to the Ku Klux Klan, and had a burning cross for the letter “T.” Yes, he’s from Florida.

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Truth from Jim Barach:  A poll says that nearly half of all Americans say that everyone in Congress should be replaced. All that needs to happen is for those people to tell that to the quarter of Americans who actually vote in congressional elections.

Post season.

October 29, 2012

What was this stupid game played by men in tights on TV Monday night and where is my baseball?

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Oops, technology. Just got an email from Stubhub this morning “San Francisco Giants Postseason Tickets in a Flash – Head to StubHub.com. We wanted to give you a heads up that seats are still available.” Well, no doubt game 6 and 7 tickets are cheap…..

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Over 5 million are  now without power.  5,000,050 if you count the New York Yankees and Detroit Tigers.

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Pablo Sandoval, World Series MVP?! So does this mean tacos may be declared a PED?

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Hmm, used this joke Saturday, and Jay Leno used almost the same one tonight.   ” Detroit looking like their only hope is to ask President Obama for a bailout.”   (But of course they still don’t think they need any female freelancers.)

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A line going around the internet (don’t know who wrote it) is that they should have renamed the storm Hurricane A-Rod, then it wouldn’t have hit anyone.

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So much for the country pulling together: The Fed. Govt. is closed for at least 2 days, which may delay the Oct. jobs report. Iowa GOP Rep. Chuck Grassley tweets “Labor Dept says may release latest Unemployment figures until after election. Par for course. Why release something might hurt Obama elect?” Right, clearly the President conjured up Sandy for this purpose.

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Chris Christie is praising President Obama for his response so far to Hurricane Sandy. Nice bipartisan statement. And makes sense – I am sure Christie would rather run against Hillary, Biden or Cuomo in 2016 rather than an incumbent Romney.

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N.J. Gov. Chris Christie said evacuations are no longer possible, and rescuers won’t be sent out “until daylight tomorrow.” Translation – “Okay idiots, we’ll pick you or your bodies up in the morning.”

(Added Nick Coombs,  “Attention New Jersey residents.  In case of emergency your governor may be used as a floatation device.)

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The HMS Bounty, built as a replica tall ship to be used in movies, has sunk off the N.C. coast. Tragic for the two missing crew members but going out in hurricane conditions had to be the dumbest decision since Captain Bligh figured he could handle an angry Fletcher Christian.

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49ers fans were glad that their Monday Night Football game was played in Arizona and thus avoided a Hurricane Sandy postponement. New York Jets fans are just wishing Sandy had shown up yesterday morning.

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For anyone who doesn’t believe in voodoo, this from ESPN:    “Oct. 9 in Cincinnati. Giants trailed, 2 games to 0 in NLDS. And then, with their entire season on the line, they picked THAT night to get no-hit into the 6th, to get 1 hit in the first 9 innings, to strike out 16 times — and they WON. In extra innings. On an unearned run.”

Zero.

October 29, 2012

Timing is everything:   Tonight marks the SF Giants first seven game winning streak of 2012.

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The San Francisco Giants are World Series champions in four games. I blame Obama.

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New York Yankees are trying to figure out how to buy San Francisco.

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Last thought for the night: San Francisco Giants fans are not going to wake up tomorrow and find this is all an episode of “Newhart”, are we?

 

The Cincinnati Enquirer endorsed Mitt Romeny,  citing his past moderate record in Massachusettes, saying  “Romney as president should stay true to who he is.”  Uh, this assumes that at this point Mitt actually KNOWS who he is?”

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Guessing Mitt Romney is not going to take this week to reiterate his GOP debate pledge to shutter FEMA: “Every time you have an occasion to take something from the federal government and send it back to the states, that’s the right direction. And if you can go even further, and send it back to the private sector, that’s even better. “

 

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One silver lining that many weary Americans are finding from Hurricane Sandy: Both Romney and Obama have cancelled campaign appearances.

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And in New York, the everyone  is of course hoping for the best with the storm.  On the other hand,  Sandy may assure that neither the Yankees nor the Jets are the biggest disaster for October.

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New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft said London, England, is ready for their own professional NFL team. Well, that lets out sending them the Jaguars.

Magic number. One.

October 27, 2012

Wow!   Detroit looking like their only hope is to ask President Obama for a bailout.

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Previously undefeated Florida lost today to Georgia in college football.   Meaning it’s going to be a really tough job for the BCS to figure out how to put two SEC teams into the national championship.

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Amidst all this worry about Hurricane Sandy: With all the recent statements from male politicians about women’s reproductive rights, any chance this is a case of “God is coming and boy is She Pissed?”

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Assume the Romney campaign is working overtime planning on how to spin any problems that will result from Hurricane Sandy on Obama.

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The Catholic Church in England has asked the Vatican to consider posthumously stripping televison star Sir Jimmy Savile of his Papal knighthood now that child abuse charges have come to light. Would they prefer that the Vatican posthumously declare Savile a priest?

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Former Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi was sentenced to four years in jail for tax evasion. What, they don’t know about offshore bank accounts in Italy?

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Nice job by commissioner Larry Scott to have added Colorado and Utah to the Pac 10, now 12. Guess the money and adding two cupcakes was really worth messing up everyone’s schedule….

Halfway there…

October 26, 2012

And still living on a prayer.

The way this postseason has gone, maybe on the plane ride to Detroit, manager Bruce Bochy should try to convince the SF Giants they are actually DOWN 2 games to 0.

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Well, we now know the answer to the question “What happened to that offensively challenged Giants team that somehow beat the Reds in the NLDS?”. Now on to Comerica Park. Which makes A T and T look like a bandbox.

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Last night’s Giants-Tigers matchup got an 8.8 rating, the 2nd lowest ever for a World Series Game 1. Well, maybe if ESPN and Fox didn’t make the regular series all about the Yankees and Red Sox, fans across the country might have developed an interest in one of these very good and at times fascinating teams.

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A Sacramento TV anchor was on live TV outside of AT&T Park yesterday in San Francisco when he was, shall we say, mistaken for a statue by a seagull. Shame it wasn’t Tim McCarver or Joe Buck.

(my  friend Michael M. said that when the guy made it home he was definitely pooped.”

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The New York Yankees once reportedly had their eye on the SF Giants’ Tim Lincecum as a starter. After Wednesday night they may want to sign him to replace Mariano Rivera.

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A Sports Illustrated players poll had Tim Tebow as the most overrated player, with Mark Sanchez second. Once again, many think Tebow has unfairly stolen Sanchez’s spotlight.

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NBA commissioner David Stern is retiring. Many MLB fans wish he’d take Bud Selig with him.

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Amongst the congratulatory Tweets that the Giants’ Pablo Sandoval, who hails from Venezuela, received last night after his 3 home run game was one from Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez. Well, that ought to dispel San Francisco’s liberal commie-pinko image.

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Taylor Swift, 22, and Conor Kennedy, 18, have broken up. And who saw that coming?

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Colin Powell endorsed President Obama today, adding “I think I’m a Republican of more moderate mold and that’s something of a dying breed, I’m sorry to say…the Republicans I worked for are Reagan, Bush 41, the Howard Bakers of the world, people who were conservative, people who were willing to push their conservative views, but people who recognize that at the end of the day you got to find a basis for compromise. Compromise is how this country runs.”

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After Colin Powell endorsed President Obama, Senator John McCain said: “All I can say is: Gen. Powell, you disappoint us.” Wonder if Powell thought of replying – “Spoken by the guy who gave us Sarah Palin?

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John Sununu suggested Colin Powell’s endorsement of President Obama was motivated by race. So was Sununu’s endorsement of Romney motivated by Mitt’s also being a rich guy who wants to ride on government jets?

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Who says politicians never say anything directly? This from President Obama: “Let me make a very simple proposition: Rape is rape. It is a crime. And so these various distinctions about rape don’t make too much sense to me — don’t make any sense to me.”

Game won.

October 25, 2012

Even Kirk Gibson watching Pablo Sandoval tonight in Game 1 of the World Series had to be saying  “”I don’t believe what I just saw.”.

 

After facing Barry Zito, the Detroit Tigers may protest game 1: They didn’t think it was legal for a non-knuckleball pitcher to throw that slowly.

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But who knew?  Barry Zito –  RBI machine.

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Gaylord Perry threw out ceremonial first pitch  for SF Giants tonight. Wonder how long it took Sergio Romo to wash his hands afterwards?

 

Moral victory for Jose Valverde: He kept Panda in the park.

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Could it get any better for SF Giants fans? The team is in the World Series, and today comes the rumor from a Southern California radio station that the LA Dodgers are interested in A-Rod.

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Former Red Sox manager Bobby Valentine has now said that David Ortiz sidelined himself in Sept. not because of his Achilles injury, but because he knew the team was out of the playoffs after they traded with the Dodgers. Looking like Boston was out of the playoffs as soon as they signed Bobby V.

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Here we go again. Donald Trump has offered to donate $5 million to charity if President Obama releases his college records and applications and passport records and applications. Really? How about all that money Larry Flynt has offered for Mitt’s tax returns?

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Wonder how much might be donated to charity if Donald Trump would release information on where that furry thing that lives on his head was born?

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President Obama on the Tonight Show about the origins of his problems with Donald Trump: “This all dates back to when we were growing up in Kenya….” (Note to my GOP friends, it was a JOKE.)

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Even Sarah Palin is beginning to think Donald Trump is a media whore.

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My sense is that Ambassador Stevens would be sickened by all this politicizing of his death. But today some conservative media are headlining that the U.S was advised two hours after the attack that an Islamic militant group had claimed credit. Yo, with most attacks SEVERAL groups initially claim credit.

World serious.

October 24, 2012

Ten top stories on ESPN.com Tuesday morning and one is about baseball – the Red Sox introducing their new manager. What East Coast bias?

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The SF Giants are in the World Series after winning six straight postseason elimination games. Waiting for the t-shirt that says “Giants Baseball 2012 – Fifty Shades of Orange.”

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Another reason baseball is better than football. Today was World Series Media day:   Note the word “day” instead of “week”.

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From Marc Ragovin,  “Not saying the Cardinals looked flat last night against the Giants,  but for a minute there I thought I was watching Obama at the first debate.”

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Eva Longoria and QB Mark Sanchez have apparently ended their relationship. Well, at least unlike the Jets, Eva had enough sense not to sign a longterm contract with him.

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A new ad featuring Natalie Portman for Dior’s Diorshow New Look lash-multiplying mascara has been banned in the U.K for being unrealistic. Uh, anyone actually seen a makeup ad that IS realistic?

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Ann Coulter said after last night’s debate. “I highly approve of Romney’s decision to be kind and gentle to the retard.” Jeez, I think Todd Akin does more for the status of women.

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Roger Goodell said that the NFL was considering dropping the Pro Bowl. “That would be a real shame”, said absolutely nobody.

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The Miami Marlins have fired manager Ozzie Guillen. So congrats to all those who had October 23 in the pool.

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To promote their new pan pizza, Domino’s outlets will offer over 500,000 free pizza slices today at lunchtime. Wow, that’s almost 10 pounds of real cheese.

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In Indiana, U.S Senate candidate Richard Mourdock just said he is against abortion in cases of rape because “it is something that God intended to happen.” And somewhere God may be thinking “Are you kidding? I didn’t even intend Richard Mourdock to happen.

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Regarding Tagg Romney’s investment firm having a financial interest in a company that makes voting machines that will be used in Ohio – I actually am not a fan of conspiracy theories. But can you imagine the GOP reaction if say, a Virginia Ohio voting machine company was partly owned by a friend of Obama’s?

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Welcome to the big leagues. UCF appealed their postseason ban for recruiting violations, and the NCAA said they won’t rule until January, so the 5-2 Golden Knights will be bowl eligible in 2012. Thereby assuring all the guilty parties will be long gone when the punishment kicks in.

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From T.C.  What’s the difference between Lance Armstrong and Felix Baumgartner? Felix landed on his feet.

Only about 100 days…

October 29, 2011

Until pitchers and catchers report.

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Gutsy pitching performance tonight by the St. Louis Cardinals’ ace. Almost expected to see the “Jesus was a Carpenter” signs?

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(Of course, that would be sacrilegious, everyone knows if Jesus was to be reincarnated these days he would be Tim Tebow.)

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So if God really was involved with this World Series, having Josh Hamilton get Texas so close to a championship, and then snatching it away, well all I can say is that He has a really mean sense of humor.

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For the uninitiated: Josh Hamilton said that God told him he was going to hit a home run in game six. But Hamilton added “There was a period at the end of [the sentence]. He didn’t say, ‘You’re going to hit it and you’re going to win. “

Just a reminder, when you pray, it’s important to be specific.

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More on game six:

Another reason why baseball is THE best sport: No clock. At some point early in the second half in the Colts-Saints game, it wouldn’t have matter if Peyton Manning or even Johnny Unitas in his prime was miraculously transported in as QB, there would have been ZERO chance of a comeback.

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Last night’s World Series game was one of the most exciting ever, despite 5 combined errors (not to mention the fact that Nelson Cruz misplayed David Freese’s triple.) There’s a great quote from Bull Durham, “It’s a simple game, you throw the ball, you hit the ball, you catch the ball.” Well, sometimes two out of three ain’t bad.

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Heck of a World Series. Of course had the BCS been in charge neither the Cardinals nor the Rangers would have been anywhere near it.

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The Cardinals’ Matt Holliday, who booted a ball in left field, and got picked off third base with the bases loaded, was out of game seven with a wrist injury. Wonder if Tony LaRussa stepped on it.

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If these smaller-market National League teams keep winning the World Series, Bud Selig may have to rethink his “All Star Game Winners Get Home Field Advantage” strategy

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A former Ohio high school teacher was found guilty of having sexual encounters with FIVE students. These overcrowded classrooms are really getting out of hand.

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Recently acquired Oakland QB Carson Palmer said when he was put into last Sunday’s Raiders -Chiefs game he only knew “about 15 plays.” Well, that’s about 14 more than JaMarcus Russell ever learned.

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Michele Bachmann is now accusing Texas governor Rick Perry’s presidential campaign of a “stealth” political attack. Perry’s campaign denies any attack. Makes sense at this point attacking Bachmann’s campaign would be like cheating at Scrabble with George W. Bush.

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Wells Fargo said Friday that the bank is cancelling test program of a monthly $3 fee for users of its debit cards: “As we adjust to changes in our business, we will continue to stay attuned to what our customers want,” said a Wells Fargo spokesman. Translation, “We’ve lost track of how many cut-in-half cards we’ve received in the mail.”

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Rick Perry’s latest campaign slogan “Cut, Balance and Grow.” Is he running for President or to head up Home Depot’s Garden Centers?

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World SEEEriEEs?

October 28, 2011

Did I include enough Es?

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Many old-time baseball fans are looking back nostalgically to the days when pitching dominated in the World Series. Like last year.

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Early in the game the only bright spot for Tony LaRussa was knowing that his bullpen phone worked.

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from T.C.”Wow, that was one of the best WS games ever. Tops Kirk Gibson and Buckner. Too bad the StL bullpen had to wait for the results to be phoned in.”

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It really was an amazing World Series game Thursday night, and just imagine how epic it would have been if Jon Miller was still the ESPN radio announcer….. (Dan Shulman wasn’t bad, but still….)

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After both listening to game six in the car, and watching it on television later, I have to hand it to Tim McCarver. He is doing as much as anyone in the game to promote the tradition of baseball on the radio.

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Texas Governor Rick Perry plans to skip future GOP debates. Guess he’s applying the time honored principle: “Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.”

October 29 is National Cat Day. Responded most cats “Isn’t EVERY day National Cat Day? Now, before I go back to sleep, where is my dinner?”

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The former president of Facebook, Sean Parker, apparently Tweeted to complain about being a billionaire: “I have a whole new set of problems to deal with now: security, extortion attempts, kidnapping threats, death threats, etc. Life better b4?” Can’t imagine how the super rich get the reputation for being out-of-touch.

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Carson Palmer, when asked about bringing Terrell Owens to Oakland, responded “T.O. and I had a great working relationship…. The problem is that for him to get here there’s not anybody that we could let go,” Well, this was a more diplomatic response than “NFW!!! Are you nuts?”

During a mock debate last week in Philadelphia, the British claimed that the Declaration of Independence was totally illegitimate and illegal. But they added, “it’s all right chaps, we don’t want you back anyway.”

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Kim Kardashian herself is now admitting that there is a lot of stress in her new marriage, especially living with her sister and filming “Kourtney and Kim take New York.” She told “People” that “It’s not ideal because you’re newlyweds and you want privacy.” Uh, honey, if you want privacy here’s a clue, don’t turn your wedding (along with the rest of your life) into a media circus.

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The Dow soared over 300 points Thursday. Out of habit, several of the GOP candidates blamed it on President Obama.

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Exxon Mobil reported quarterly earnings of $10.3 billion on Thursday, a surge of 41% from last year. You know what that means? Gas prices are going up.

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There are rumors that C.C. Sabathia might sign with the Red Sox. Makes sense, with C.C’s size those dugout beers won’t even make a blip on his blood alcohol level.

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A new Time magazine poll shows Hillary Clinton easily beating the major GOP candidates if she somehow could run for President in 2012. Good news for Clinton’s reputation, but with all due respect “None of the above” could handily beat the current GOP field now too.

Raindrops keep falling on my field…

October 27, 2011

Suggestion for Tony LaRussa for Game 6 Bullpen communication in St. Louis – “Carrier Squirrels.”

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Game Six of the World Series was postponed due to rain. Which means Tony LaRussa had plenty of time to run down to the Apple store to get new phones for himself and his bullpen coaches

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If Bud Selig gets his way with the expanded playoffs, rain issues won’t be a problem in future World Series. Snow on the other hand.

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Lindsay Lohan will be posing in Playboy. Most Americans think we’ve already seen too much of her lately.

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Despite police efforts and some stories of violence, “Occupy Oakland” continues to be a magnet for a lot of people. If the crowds continue, Raiders’ management may start trying to sell tickets by referring to their games as “Occupy the Coliseum.”

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Rick Perry told Fox today that if he had made any mistakes thus far in the campaign, it was “probably ever doing one of the” debates. No kidding. Especially considering the “lame-stream” media reported every word he said.

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Herman Cain’s latest commercial shows his campaign manager smoking. Well, Cain is running an unconventional campaign, maybe encouraging smoking is his plan to reduce the number of Americans who end up old enough to depend on social security.

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Chaz Bono was voted off DWTS. He won over many viewers, although many 40 and 50 somethings still remember him as such a cute little blond girl. Of course, music fans of the same age remember Michael Jackson as such a cute little black boy.

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NBA owners and players met again for several hours in hopes of resolving their labor problems. No resolution as yet, but on the bright side, the talks are getting more attention than the first weeks of a normal NBA season.

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How badly do some NFL teams want to get Andrew Luck? Have to wonder if a few of them have already asked Roger Goodell if they can vacate wins because some of their players committed crimes or were ineligible in college?

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Some college teams say they would do anything to get future quarterbacks like Andrew Luck, who went to high school in Texas. But when asked why he chose Stanford, Luck cites a big reason as being strong academics. Responded most SEC teams “Never mind.”

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From Bill Littlejohn: “JaMarcus Russell was quoted as saying ‘I’m not fat, lazy, or a junkie’.All right…who called him a junkie?”

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Sebastian Janikowsi should be healthy again for the Raiders’ next game, so Oakland waived their recently signed backup placekicker Dave Rayner, who they had signed for a one-game fee of $45,000. Since Oakland was shut out, Rayner never kicked the ball after the opening kickoff. The only easier gig in sports might have belonged to the Saints’ punter against the Colts.

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Jon Huntsman told ABC News that Rick Perry’s talking about “birtherism” makes him “cringe.” And that “fringe” issues will drive away the independents. “As a party if we are going to win this election we have to focus on the issues that are germane for the American family – economy, jobs, our position in the world.” No wonder he’s barely registering in the GOP polls – the man is way too articulate and reasonable.

World semi-Serious.

October 25, 2011

One nice thing about baseball, each day is completely different. The Cardinals scored 16 runs against Texas Saturday, then got shut out Sunday. And game five was close until the eighth. Whereas the Colts could play the Saints every week this year and Indianapolis would probably not come within four touchdowns.

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A two part joke written with my friend Jerry Perisho, his part first:

“Don’t worry NBA fans, you can still see your team’s dancers perform; just bring plenty of $1 bills.”

Mine: But go early to see the Heat cheerleaders, I hear they quit before the night is over.

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Newt Gingrich criticized Mitt Romney and Rick Perry at the last debate saying: “I literally felt like I was the recess monitor on the playground, watching these two kids.” Prompting an immediate demand for an apology, from schoolchildren.

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McDonald’s is bringing back the McRib nationwide through November 14. Now, leaving all the McHeart Attack jokes aside. some complain they shouldn’t call it a “McRib,” when the sandwich has no bones. On the other hand, they do call them “ham” burgers.

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Paul Leka, 68, who wrote the chorus of “Na Na Hey Hey (Kiss Him Goodbye),” reportedly died October 12. Well, I guess we all know what they sang at his funeral..

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NCAA president Mark Emmert said he is supporting a plan to allow student athletes to receive $2,000 a year beyond their scholarships. (The usual scholarships just cover tuition, fees, books, room and board.) While the idea is popular with many athletes, some football players say they don’t know if they can afford the pay cut.

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Oregon’s star CB Cliff Harris was already cited for driving 118 mph on a suspended license in June and joking to an officer who smelled marijuana that “we smoked it all. Today he was cited again for several infractions, including driving on a suspended license and driving without insurance. Maybe it’s true what they say about pot affecting your memory.

You have to wonder, aren’t there any taxis in Eugene? Or fans who could drive a football star around campus?

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And Harris has been suspended, again, from the football team. Meaning he cannot participate even in practices and will miss at least Saturday’s game. Over-under on him being conditionally reinstated November 11? (As November 12 is the Ducks’ game with Stanford.)

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Fun sidelight of watching the World Series – the realization with the Mavericks and Rangers that the Dallas Cowboys are at best the third best professional team in Dallas.

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Theo Epstein visited Wrigley Field for the first time as GM this morning. His first project? Presumably to find and take down that sign that says “Abandon hope, all ye who enter here.”

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Watching the stories and gory videos coming out of Libya, must say one thing for the United States. Even allowing for Florida we do have a much more civilized transfer of power.

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Michele Bachmann has said that the gay and lesbian lifestyle amounts to “personal bondage, and personal enslavement.” Her husband Marcus has compared gays to “barbarians” who need to be “disciplined.” You do get the sense both of them have spent too much time in leather shops South of Market in SF

A five letter word?

October 20, 2011

Tonight during game one of the World Series, an excited Tim McCarver responded to a seventh-inning strikeout by saying “STRIKE – It’s a five letter word.” And then he proceeded to spell it “S-T-R-I-K-E.”

If “strike” is a five letter word, by that standard so is “stupid.”

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Guess we all know Tim McCarver’s favorite Dylan song: “Love is just a three-letter word.”
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Can’t imagine how baseball players get the reputation for being ignorant.

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And in Redwood City, south of San Francisco, 49ers WR Michael Crabtree was pulled over for allegedly speeding 85 in a 65 zone. And he had problems with his registration and license not being valid in California. Yet Crabtree tweeted yesterday that he missed a flight because the officer was a Raiders fans and thus detained him for 30 minutes.

Can’t imagine how football players get the reputation for being self-centered as well as ignorant.

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The first game of the World Series was played in damp weather in the low 40s with plenty of wind. Or as old-time SF Giants fans remembered- “Just like Summer at Candlestick.”

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So the St. Louis Cardinals, maybe or maybe not aided by playing at home (despite their weaker record), have won game one. If the Yankees had been actually able to navigate the playoffs lately, no doubt folks in New York would have convinced Bud Selig to drop that “All Star win equals home field advantage” idea by now.

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The Boston Red Sox are denying that their pitchers drank beer in the dugout. SF Giants fans are remembering all of Jonathan Sanchez’s “head-case” outings in 2011 and thinking, hmm, maybe he SHOULD have been drinking beer in the dugout.

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The Raiders have now announced that Carson Palmer will start at QB Sunday. Of course, they are playing the Kansas City Chiefs. So maybe Oakland figures this is the football equivalent of a baseball AAA rehab assignment.

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In the Scottish Highlands, British archaeologists have discovered the 1,000-year-old buried body of a Viking warrior. Wonder if they knew he was a Viking because he was wearing a Brett Favre jersey?

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After not mentioning it in recent debates and appearances, Rick Perry now says he wants to get rid of the current U.S. tax structure and change to a flat tax. Guess he wants his tax plan to match his poll numbers.

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President Nicolas Sarkozy’s wife Carla had a baby girl last night. The first child born to a French president in recent memory. (That we know of… and to his actual wife.)

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Lindsay Lohan has been found in violation of her probation and was taken into custody. “I am shocked,” said absolutely nobody.

(added my friend Alex Kaseberg, Los Angeles Margarita Machines breathed a collective sigh of relief.)

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Kelsey Grammer said his ex-wife Camille only married him because he was famous. Uh, duh, why else do youngish ex-Playboy models marry middle-aged frumpy looking men? Well, besides money.

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Three LSU football starters were suspended for…. fake marijuana?!! This would have never happened at OSU or Miami. Their boosters pay enough for players to be able to afford the real thing.

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Rumors abound that Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries are considering divorce, only about two months after their marriage. So it might be looking good for those who had “less than 100 days in the pool.”


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