Posted tagged ‘USC jokes’

Cutting truth?

August 29, 2014

Joan Rivers is in a medically induced coma following cardiac arrest and at this point doctors aren’t sure if she will recover. If she doesn’t survive, however, at least they won’t need any additional embalming fluid.

 

5 cuts to go and Michael Sam is still on the #Rams roster. Of course, this would have been easier for Sam if he were drafted by a team with more arrests and suspensions.

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Hillary Clinton seems to be trying to distance herself from President Obama. Today she was saying “Don’t wear stupid suits.”

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With her first child due this fall, Chelsea Clinton has quit her reporter job. Many Americans are shocked. Chelsea Clinton had a reporter job?

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USC coach Steve Sarkisian indefinitely suspended Josh Shaw for lying, but today when asked if the star CB could be reinstated responded “”Potentially, sure. Potentially, sure.” As in potentially for the Sept 6. Stanford game?

 

The Indianapolis $tar reports that Colt$ owner Jim Ir$ay has reached a plea deal with his DUI and felony drug po$$e$$ion case. Now let’$ $ee what kind of deal Ir$ay can work out with NFL commi$$ioner Roger Goodell.

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The latest GOP attack in Louisiana is that Senator Mary Landrieu is apparently registered to vote at the New Orleans house where her parents live. Guess she have registered her address as a hotel like President George H.W. Bush, or a vacation home like Dick Cheney?

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Temple 37, Vanderbilt 7 last night? Vandy is actually part of the SEC. And looking like part of a plan where teams won’t have to go out of conference to schedule cupcakes.

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The NFL said they will not fine Ndamukong Suh for roughing Jacksonville QB Chad Henne last Friday. Guess they figure they’ll pull in enough money from Suh during the regular season.

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Tony Stewart will race again this weekend, and says that the “tragedy” of hitting Kevin Ward Jr. will “affect my life forever.” Well, it certainly affected Ward’s.

 

Ah the laws of unintended conseqences. The Satanic Temple just announced that based on the Supreme Court’s Hobby Lobby decision, their believers should be exempt from any state’s informed consent laws that require women considering abortions to read pro-life material.

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From Bill Littlejohn.  ” This year, Jacksonville Jaguars  season ticket holders get a half-price  concealed weapon permit deal.  I think we can all hope they don’t offer that deal to Raider fans.”

Parent trap.

August 27, 2014

In July,  a South Carolina working  mother of a 9 year old girl was arrested for letting her daughter go to the park alone, with a cellphone, during daylight hours.   The mom was booked for “unlawful conduct towards a child. ” Anyone but me having a problem with the fact that she was charged with a crime, but we have no rules for parents who figure it’s okay to let their daughter of the same age learn to shoot an submachine gun?

 

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The story of the 9 year old girl who lost control of an Uzi and fatally shot her instructor at a shooting range outside Las Vegas has gone national. Millions of Americans are appalled. But wonder how many are thinking well, they should have started her with guns younger…

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A new survey of NFL players found that 75% said they agree with President Obama’s statement that he does not think marijuana is more dangerous than alcohol. And presumably the other 25% responded “Dude, what was that question again?”

 

 

Hurricane Cristobal and Tropical Storm Marie are creating huge waves and high surf on both coasts. Is it too soon to start a pool on the over-under for Darwin Awards?

 

Josh Shaw admitted today that he made up the story about spraining his ankles while rescuing his nephew from drowning. USC suspended him indefinitely – translation “at least the first half of the Fresno State game.” And wonder how long it will take Shaw to attempt to use the story for credit in a Creative Writing course?

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Rumors are flying that USC CB Josh Shaw actually broke his ankles in an altercation with his girlfriend, but his attorney insists “There is absolutely NO domestic violence.” And why should we doubt anything Shaw says?

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Mark your calendars. September 6, USC plays Stanford, in Palo Alto. Forget the game. The half time show should be memorable. Wonder how many members of the band will show up on crutches.

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Parents are suing a Texas day care for allegedly duct taping their fidgety toddlers to nap mats. Millions of Americans read this story and are appalled. But wonder how many others are thinking “could that be arranged with airline seats?”

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Police near Houston are looking for a man who abandoned a cellphone with a selfie on it at a 4-acre marijuana farm they recently raided.   Doesn’t do much to dispel that marijuana and short term memory issue….

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Apparently there’s a glitch in Madden 15 that makes players fly around the field like they have stepped on a land mine or something. Let’s hope this isn’t a trial balloon for the NFL trying to increase viewship numbers.

 

ESPN now regrets’ the SportsCenter report Michael Sam that focused on shower habits. More like they regret finding out that most Americans are considerably more mature on the subject than the network is….

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The NFL upheld Josh Gordon’s year-long suspension for using marijuana and violating the league’s substance-abuse policy. So the message is clear to young men, if you get stressed, put down the joint and take it out on your girlfriend.

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A man has lost his $34,000 suit against British Airways after he and his partner were flown to Grenada in the Caribbean instead of Granada in Spain. He claims he asked the airline for the correct city and didn’t notice the mistake until he was on the connecting flight from London. Uh, and he didn’t notice the flight time as several hours from England to what he thought would be Spain? #cantfixstupid

 

 

We don’t need another (fake) hero?

August 27, 2014

Theories abound as to how exactly #USC star Josh Shaw broke his ankles. One thing for sure, since the Trojans play in Palo Alto Sept 6, the Stanford band is working overtime.

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Great story about USC star CB Josh Shaw injuring his ankles by leaping from balcony to save his 7-year-old nephew from drowning. Except now have heard a rumor that it was just that, a story. Only good thing if this disappointing rumor is true – I don’t have to make an exception and root for a Trojan player.

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Another thought about this unraveling “hero” story involving USC star Josh Shaw. Leaving aside the moral issues, how does any young man in this plugged-in 24/7 era think that you can lie about ANYTHING when you’re in the public eye and get away with it? And some wonder where athletes get their #dumbjock reputations.

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My son says #Traveler is no longer the biggest #Trojanhorse at #USC. #JoshShaw

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The tortured turf saga at the SF 49ers new Levi’s Stadium continues, as the grass has had to be ripped out and replaced again. Who designed this field, the Marquis de Sod?

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Got to love Rams DE #ChrisLong, tweeting in response to ridiculous ESPN #MichaelSam shower story. “Dear ESPN, Everyone but you is over it.”

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The Chicago Cubs are going to call up Cuban outfielder Jorge Soler. Which will be one step closer to Soler’s dream of playing for a major league team.

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In Arizona, a nine-year old girl accidentally shot and killed the instructor who was teaching her how to use an Uzi. I’m guessing the girl didn’t get a passing grade. #ifonlyhehadbeenarmed.

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NFL Nation Confidential asked over 100 players “The only way I’d play for (team name) is if they doubled my salary. The Raiders “won” with 23% followed by the Bills at 19%. Of course that might be because many players forgot there was a team in Buffalo.

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Apparently some are screaming sexism for an Emmy awards bit when Sofia Vergara stood on a rotating pedestal doing nothing but looking sexy during a speech from the chair of the Television Academy. Really?! But okay, it would be fair next year to use the pedestal for George Clooney.

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This story over passengers being kicked off a plane for a fight over a device to keep a seat from reclining is going viral. United meanwhile is no doubt figuring out how to optimize revenue from the situation in future – perhaps they’ll have passengers bid to see how much it’s worth to recline a seat, and how much to keep the seat in front of you upright?

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So Warren Buffett is involved in this potential Burger King – Tim Horton inversion deal. Since Buffett also advocates for higher taxes and closing loopholes once this deal gets done will he call for changing the tax rules afterwards?

Excuses, excuses…

June 9, 2014

Seattle Seahawks coach Pete Carroll just told the L.A. Times he wouldn’t have left USC in 2010 if he knew the NCAA was going to sanction the Trojans. I think I liked “pushed into a lifeboat” better.

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There is now a drive to legalize marijuana in…. Jamaica?!! Does this even need a punchline?

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California Chrome owner Steve Coburn’s rant after the #BelmontStakes may have cost him and the colt some endorsement. But maybe they’re still in line for a deal with California wine.

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Don’t get me wrong, Steve Coburn was a poor sport yesterday. But as the NY Times points out, the last NINE Belmont winners have skipped the Preakness. ‪#‎TripleCrown‬

(T.C wonders,  “So if Maria Sharapova wins the French Open and doesn’t have to play against the Williams sisters or Li Na; she’s a coward, right? “

 

It’s approaching mid-June, and as most experts predicted, the Los Angeles Dodgers and NY Yankees have very similar records. (Okay, so maybe they didn’t predict those records would be basically .500.)

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Even FIFA is impressed with the flopping levels in the #NBAFinals.

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So next year, how many #NBA teams will choose their home games against the #Heat to give free fans to fans and turn off the a/c?

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On a sweltering day in Paris, Rafael Nadal won his 9th French Open. Imagine what he could do if Roland Garros had air conditioning.

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A Northern California high school basketball player is in jail on suspicion of using stolen credit cards to pay $13,000 to rent a McLaren car and $27,000 to rent a vacation home. Guess he wasn’t good enough to get those perks playing college basketball?

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Former “Bachelor” and “Bachelorette” contestant Emily Maynard, who was engaged twice on the show, has just gotten married. And she told People magazine in an “exclusive”. “For so long I felt so embarrassed and ashamed about that TV stuff The grace that my faith has given me to wipe that all away and not find worth in that and find it through God.” Guess “magazine stuff” is different from “TV stuff.”

 

Two police officers in Las Vegas, plus another bystander, were shot and killed today, And then the suspects killed themselves. Once again, wishing these folks with murder-suicide plans could take take care of the second part first.

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Do wish Fox News and the GOP would grieve as much for all those lives that have been lost in the Iraq war, as they do for those four Americans lost in in Benghazi and however many soldiers were lost looking for Bowe Bergdahl.

 

 

The Pretenders?

October 7, 2013

USC announced that imposters pretending to be from the University contacted both Jack Del Rio and Tony Dungy about their vacant coaching position. There’s a certain symmetry, for years, Lane Kiffin was pretending to be a big time coach.

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Beginning to think God is really really tired of that tomahawk chop

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Philadelphia and Dallas are tied for the NFC East lead, with 2-3 records. It’s early days yet, but to make the NFL playoffs, shouldn’t your team be good enough at least to be bowl eligible.

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In an interview with New York Magazine, Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia talked the “coarsening” of society, due to “the constant use of the F-word — including, you know, ladies using it.” Of course, many of the “ladies” using the F-word have been using it in response to some of Scalia’s statements.

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Eli Manning today in a radio appearance “I don’t think I’m playing lousy.” Fair enough. “Lousy” would be an improvement.

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Flori-duh moment of the day. Freshman GOP Rep. Tom Yoho, on if the U.S. fails to raise the debt limit. “I think, personally, it would bring stability to the world markets.” (Before he ran for Congress, his first elected office, Yoho was a large-animal veterinarian….)

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This just in: PETA is protesting the Tampa Bay win as being cruel to actual Rays. #stingraypoolwalkoff

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The Denver Broncos are a NFL record 28-point favorite over the Jacksonville Jaguars this week. Have to wonder if the spread would be less if the Broncos were playing the FSU Seminoles.

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QB Matt Flynn was cut today by Oakland. He’s made $14.51 million in the last two years from the Raiders and Seahawks, and started exactly one game. With that kind of performance to pay ratio what’s Flynn’s next move – a run for Congress?

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The Redskins return from their bye week next Sunday. Disappointing all fans who thought they were one of the few good things to be shutdown in Washington.

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Oops. In Los Angeles, the school district spent $1 billion to give 650,000 plus students iPads. Only problem, the high school kids cracked the security settings so they could play games and post on social media during class. On the brighter side, American ingenuity is alive and well.

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As the shutdown continues, it’s interesting that the party that has made such an issue of the sanctity of voting and the need to tighten requirements to avoid voter fraud, is also the party that sees no need to take an actual vote…

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Ah technology, United Airlines sent a  message about booking a hotel on United.com for a new reservation to Los Angeles. For a same-day roundtrip. Makes you feel real warm and fuzzy about their autopilot.

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Shutting it down

September 30, 2013

Shouldn’t Congress have learned from the Nationals and Strasburg? Shutdowns just don’t do Washington any good in the long run. #shutdown

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Maybe to fix the situation, we should put the Redskins’ defense in charge. They can’t shut down anyone.

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Who says there’s no bipartisan spirit in D.C. ?    Why tonight I hear that President Barack Obama offered to send Walter White over to the House to bring the GOP some Stevia for their Tea Party.

-You have to love how #Congress says they themselves are “essential government employees” with a straight face. #shutdown

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Things are heating up a bit in D.C.   One Congressman referring to GOP members who want to shut down the government:   “Lemmings with suicide vests. They have to be more than just a lemming. Because jumping to your death is not enough.” Oh, and this commie-pinko rep? . Devin Nunes, a Republican from California.

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Last night on AMC, millions of Americans tuned in for the dramatic final of “Breaking Bad.”  Now, with the government shutdown, we can all turn to C-Span, and watch “Lawmaking Bad.”

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The Chicago #Cubs have fired manager Dale Sveum. No word on a replacement yet. But no job comes with lower expectations.

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Former star RB Earl Campbell has joined those calling for the firing of Texas football coach Mack Brown. Well, Lane Kiffin is available….

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Asked about benching Geno Smith, NY Jets coach Rex Ryan replied, “It’s not a thought at this point right now.” Mainly because he can’t think of an alternative.

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So what time is the SF Giants game tonight?   Sigh.   A. Bartlett Giamatti was right. “It breaks your heart. It is designed to break your heart….”

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In the face of a world-wide boycott, Guido Barilla, CEO of Barilla pasta, is backtracking on his anti-gay remarks of last week and is trying to apologize. Always fun to see “family values” take a back seat to profit values.

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USC athletic director Pat Haden says he will keep the search for a new football coach private. Makes sense. Most candidates probably don’t want their current teams to know they are crazy enough to consider the Trojan mess.

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This just in. NY Giants Antrel Rolle safety says “I believe we can go 12-0 from this point on. People can look at me like I’m crazy….” Forget crazy, isn’t Rolle worried about prompting the NFL to test him for drugs

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Okay, it’s early days. But would a Saints-Broncos game be the classiest QB Super Bowl match-up in history?

Lane, if only we barely knew ye…?

September 29, 2013

First Anthony Weiner, now Lane Kiffin. These are challenging times for comedy writers……

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USC announced early this morning that Kiffin had been “relieved of his duties.”  Of course, the school could have just said they made a “Lane change.”

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So wonder who’ll have a job again in football first? #LaneKiffin or #TimTebow?

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Much speculation on a replacement for Lane Kiffin at USC. It’s early days, but have to figure Chip Kelly might already be getting a bit nostalgic for the Pac 12….

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So who’s going to do the retrospective of the Kiffin years at USC? The Stanford Band has already volunteered for the task.

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Lane Kiffin was to college coaching what Tim Tebow is to pro quarterbacking. Well, without the charm, humility, and the miraculous ability to win a game now and then.

 

Pat Haden in July 2013: “I anticipate the media will ask me if our football coach is on the hot seat this year “Here is my answer and will be my answer whenever I’m asked: He is not. I’m behind Lane Kiffin 100 percent. I have great confidence in him. He’s a very hard-working, detail-oriented coach. He’s a dynamic playcaller, in my estimation, and he’s an exceptional recruiter. He knows USC and he knows what it takes to be successful here.”

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One bench of three seats on a crowded light rail train labeled “reserved for senior citizens and persons with disabilities.”. Three 20 something young women run and grab the seats. All blondes. No comment.

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Mitt Romney says now that a main reason he lost last November is that the Hispanic community didn’t understand his immigration stance well enough. Or maybe they understood it too well.

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Former Cleveland Browns QB Bernie Kosar was arrested for alleged DUI in Cleveland. Was Kosar trying to prove he still belongs on an active NFL roster.

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WTF is going on Pittsburgh? The #Pirates are still alive and the #Steelers are dead.

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Heard on the SF Giants radio broadcast – “a bases loaded grand slam.”. Well, it’s been a long season for everyone.

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72, 71, 84. MPH for Barry Zito’s pitches in a swinging strikeout of Kotsay for Zito’s last time on mound in SF Giants uniform. #rallyzito.

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Could have been worse. A fun way to end the season with a walkoff win for #SFGiants. #Firsttotiedforthird

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So if the Rangers or Rays somehow win the World Series, there will be how many champagne celebrations? One when they got into the wild card playoff, one if they win the wild card playoff, one for the ALDS, one for the ALCS, and one for the World Series. “You’ve just won the World Series, what are you going to do?” “I’m going to rehab.”

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If a government shutdown means furloughing all non-essential employees, what possible excuse can there be for not furloughing Congress?

Dallas 2-2, Philadelphia and Washington, 1-3, and NY 0-4. Is it too soon to rename the division the “NFC Least?”


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