Posted tagged ‘Twinkies jokes’

Ice bucket lists.

August 21, 2014

Obama says he has donated to ALS research but declined to participate in the #Icebucketchallenge. For which some are criticizing him. Had the President joined in, however, he would have been criticized for not acting presidential, or for wasting water…..

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The Nationals have won 10 games in a row. Finally, something in Washington that won’t be blamed on Obama.

 

 

Twinkies have returned to store shelves but Hostess says they are closing one of the four bakeries that make them. Well, suppose they’ve probably baked at least a 10 year supply by now anyway.-

 

 

 

Bud Selig, while he was in Oakland this week said that the increasingly slow pace of baseball games “drives me crazy.” Meanwhile, he had nothing to report on his “Blue Ribbon Committee” for the potential As move to San Jose, which Selig formed in 2009….

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The Pittsburgh Steelers top two RBs, Le’Veon Bell and LeGarrette Blount, will both be charged with marijuana possession following a traffic stop. No word on their punishment but wonder when the NFLPA will start pushing for all training camps to be in Colorado and Washington?

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Missouri RNC executive director Matt Wills is outraged about reports of voter registration booths in Ferguson. “If that’s not fanning the political flames, I don’t know what is. I think it’s not only disgusting but completely inappropriate.” Actually it seems very appropriate. Whichever “side” you’re on, voting seems more productive than just protesting.

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From my funny friend, Jerry Perisho. “The SF Giants won a protest over their rain-shortened loss to the Chicago Cubs; so the game will be resumed today.. Meanwhile, the Cubs filed a protest requesting that each of their games over the last 106 years be replayed.”

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Nice family values defense for former Virginia governor Bob McDonnell in his corruption trial – it’s all my wife’s fault.

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Thursday,  Bank of America announced they have reached a $16.65 billion agreement, the biggest settlement in history, for allegedly misleading the buyers of mortgage-backed bonds. Friday I assume the bank will announce that checking fees are going up.

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Pete Rose is hoping for a “second chance” from MLB as they change commissioners. Here’s a simple solution. Keep Rose from ever working in baseball again, but put him in the HOF.. Not like it’s exactly a Hall of Saints.

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So the 49ers have replaced some loose sod in their new Levi’s stadium that apparently was causing players to slip. So does this mean the team thinks the Broncos, who won 34-0 in last Sunday’s preseason game, just had better cleats?

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Why there is no satire. 50 Cent gave Floyd Mayweather an ice bucket alternative, to read one page of a ‘Harry Potter’ book in exchange for $750,000 to a charity of Mayweather’s choice. 50 Cent meant it as an English as a Second Language reading taunt, but he called it an ALS/ELS challenge….

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Texas Gov. Rick Perry said that “although we have no clear evidence”, there’s a ‘very real possibility’ that “because of the condition of the border, from the standpoint of it not being secure and us not knowing who is penetrating across, that individuals from ISIS or other terrorist states could be entering the U.S.” As opposed to all those who have entered the U.S. legally and/or were home grown?

 

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T.C. says the dreaded SI  jinx may have come into play for a 13 year old Little League pitcher? Mo’Ne Davis’s  team was eliminated with two losses in a row after they put her on the cover.

Games People Play.

July 9, 2013

Aaron Hernandez’s likeness has been removed from the video games NCAA Football 14 and Madden NFL 25. Though he might be added to the latest versions of Resident Evil and Mortal Kombat.

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Spitzer, Weiner, Sanford…. Let’s hope somewhere someone is saying “Don’t even think about it,” to John Edwards.

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George Clooney and Stacy Keiber have announced their split up. So congrats to all those who had July 8 in the pool.

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During a rehab start in Single-A, A-Rod was hit by a pitch. A reporter then asked the pitcher’s grandmother about the Yankees’ star. “I think he thinks he’s kind of a hotshot. I don’t care for his personality. He just thinks he’s better than the other boys.” Who says the elderly lose cognitive abilities.

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Whole Foods has recalled a cheese that over a bacterial infection that has sickened dozens and killed at least one person. And millions of Americans are thinking “how often is that that you literally can’t afford to have gotten sick?

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Speaking of sick. .. Hostess has announced that to extend the snack cakes shelf-life they will now freeze Twinkies before delivering them to stores. What, because otherwise they’d only last five or six decades, tops?

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Post-Wimbledon headline from the U.K Telegraph today: “The most painful wait in sport is over.” No response yet from Chopped Liver Stadium aka Wrigley Field.

Rick Perry says he will not run for a fourth term as Texas Governor Did someone just tell him women can vote?

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An Amtrak train bound from New York to Miami was stuck on the tracks near Richmond, VA for 14 hours and passengers were not allowed to leave. Some complained of balky toilets and intermittent air conditioning. Is Amtrak trying to become travel partners with Carnival Cruise Lines?

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LSU’s leading rusher Jeremy Hill was formally charged today with misdemeanor simple battery over an April bar fight. Apparently this could pose problems for the 2013 since Hill is on probation from a 2012 plea for “misdemeanor carnal knowledge of a juvenile.” The lengths some of these young men will go to prove they are NFL ready.

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NY Jets coach Rex Ryan apparently joined the running of the bulls in Pamplona, Spain yesterday. Was Ryan trying to prove he could do something stupider than trusting Mark Sanchez?

(Says Alex Schubert,  “he was just excited because he knew that running involved feet.”)

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Robert Kraft on Aaron Hernandez: “If any member of the New England Patriots organization is close enough to a murder investigation to actually get arrested – whether it be for obstruction of justice or the crime itself – it is too close to an unthinkable act for that person to be part of this organization going forward.” How much do we want to see Kraft interviewed this fall by new ESPN analyst Ray Lewis?

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When Dwight Howard left for Houston, apparently Kobe Bryant stopped following him on Twitter. Seriously? Hard to imagine Kobe following anyone.

Twinkie time?

June 23, 2013

Hostess has announced they will have Twinkies back on the store shelves July 15. Good news for fans who stockpiled the snack cakes last year: old Twinkies probably only have about 99 years of shelf life left.

Manny Ramirez wants to return to MLB and rumors have linked him with the Yankees. Probably won’t happen but a few weeks of Manny being Manny might make NY fans actually miss A-Rod.

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Joe Theismann’s “Super Beta Prostate” TMI commercial – “Even when I first started broadcasting, I’d be hit with sudden urges to go… I no longer have to go so frequently and I usually sleep through the night…” Who knew there might be something harder to watch featuring Theismann than his infamous leg injury.

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Paula Deen’s fans are apparently furious over Food Network’s firing her over racial slurs, with nasty comments of their own on the Network’s FB page. Including things like “We all use the n-word.” Well, this ought to help Southerners with that stereotype of being racist rednecks.

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This Serena Williams / Maria Sharapova catfight has gotten pretty nasty. Even Tiger and Sergio are saying “Just shut up and play.”

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The more I hear about Edward Snowden, who really seems to be relishing the limelight, the more I think even people who agree with what he did have might also agree with T.S. Eliot: “The last temptation is the greatest treason: To do the right deed for the wrong reason.”

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-It will be a sad day when Nelson Mandela leaves us, but come on folks: These media stories saying things like a team of seven doctors “is doing everything possible to get his condition to improve” He is 94, he has been frail and unable to appear in public in years. Let the poor man be….

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A five year old girl has died in New Orleans after she apparently accidentally shot herself in the head. If only the poor child had been armed. Wait, never mind.

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Thanks to a rain delay the East Coast now gets to enjoy #ESPN Monday Morning Baseball.

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Okay, I’m impressed. After a rain delay, its Sunday night, the 6th inning of a June game inter-league St. Louis Cardinals-Texas Rangers game, so neither a big rivalry nor the playoffs, and it’s midnight. And the Busch Stadium stands are packed.

Not so greatest hit?

November 30, 2012

After she allegedly punched another woman in the face at a Manhattan nightclub, Lindsay Lohan was arrested early this morning. So congratulations to all those who had November 29 in the pool.

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Silver lining for Lindsay Lohan after her latest arrest, for punching a woman in the face at a nightclub. She may not get any new offers to star in made-for-TV movies, but Lohan stands a good chance of a contract from Celebrity Boxing.

B.J. Upton,, who hit .246 last year, signed a $75.25 million, five-year contract with the Atlanta Braves. Forget the Hall of Fame, MLB players should build a SHRINE to Marvin Miller and Curt Flood..

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You cannot make this “stuff” up: Hostess Brands Inc. is asking a judge to approve giving its top execs bonuses totaling up to $1.8 million. The company says the incentive pay is needed to retain the 19 managers during the liquidation process, which could take about a year. Maybe they could pay them in Twinkies?

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V.P. Joe Biden made a public shopping trip and chose the new Costco in Washington, D.C. Makes sense, picking up “a few” items at Costco is like Biden himself saying “a few” words.

From my funny friend Jerry Perisho: “As Mitt Romney drove away following the meeting, White House staffers did a quick check to locate Bo.”

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“Honey Badger” Tyrann Mathieu was suspended from the LSU team in Aug. over drug charges, then arrested for marijuana possession while in rehab. Now Mathieu is entering the next NFL draft, saying he is “committed to tackling my personal issues” And what better place than the NFL to avoid temptation?

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A Oregon man lost on Mount Hood in a blizzard was rescued from a storm after he posted a screenshot to Facebook with his GPS coordinates. Of course, maybe if he hadn’t been updating his FB page while hiking he might not have gotten lost in the first place.

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While they didn’t hit the big Powerball, 20 police officers in Columbus, Ohio will share a $1 million prize. To paraphrase Homer Simpson “Mmm, donuts. LOTS of donuts….”

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The  NCAA just approved a bowl waiver for Georgia Tech’s, allowing them to playa bowl game even if they lose to Florida State this weekend and finish 6-7.  Well, how heartbreaking is this for all those 5-8 teams who came oh so close to the postseason….

 

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The Spurs will apparently be fined after sending Tim Duncan, Tony Parker and Manu Ginobili home to rest before playing the Grizzlies Saturday, causing them to miss Thursday’s game against the Heat. Guess San Antonio should have followed NBA regular season protocol and just had their stars show up and sleepwalk through the game.

Twinkle Twinkle, Little Twinkie.

November 17, 2012

Most analysts think that despite the Hostess liquidation, the Twinkies brand will eventually live on with another company. And hey, given the shelf life of the current product, Twinkies fans who stock up have another decade or two to find out.

 

 

Apparently Kate Middleton has declined both Kim Kardashian’s request to meet for tea, and free samples from the Kardashian British line, which according to the National Enquirer in­cludes skintight sequin minidresses, pleather pants and blue leopard-print tops. Yep, Kate is DEFINITELY adding points to the IQ of the British royal gene pool.

 

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My husband asked who I am mad at over the Hostess shutdown: It’s a multiple answer: I’m mad at the unions for making this easy, I’m mad at management for the loss of all jobs, and I’m mad at the media for buying into the idea that reasonable union concessions would have made a long term difference.

 

(And really, could anyone imagine “Whole Grain High Fiber Twinkies”?  Or “Gluten-Free Twinkies”?  Or whatever the market seems to require these days?)

 

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What anti-West Coast bias. The headline on Foxsports.com – “Baylor Women’s Streak Ends.” Uh, how about, “Stanford Women end Baylor Women’s Streak?

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Advance reviews of the made-for-tv movie “Liz and Dick” have been scathing, but Lindsay Lohan is apparently unfazed because she refuses to read them. Makes sense, as if most people now question if Lohan is ABLE to read reviews.

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NFL ref Tony Corrente has been fined by the league for some on-field obscenities during a game Nov 4. Wow,  if an obscene performance on the field is a fineable offense, the whole NY Jets team may be charged for their last several games.

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A surprising number of stories in the national media about the chances for Stanford to beat Oregon.  (Which as a Stanford alum I still think is quite unlikely.)   Is Stanford getting some respect? Or is the media all hoping someone knocks off the Ducks to get an SEC team back in the BCS national championship?

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At a Washington, D.C. gala last month, Paula Broadwell apparently bragged to other guests that she and General Petraeus were “collaborating on other projects.” You can say that again.

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I’m sorry, but when a corporation (in this case the Atlantis Resort box office on Paradise Island) says on a recorded message for several days running “Your call is important to us. Please try back later.”, it means “Your call is not that important to us.”

 

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Holland America Line is going to have 6 themed “Dancing with the Stars cruises, with production numbers and opportunities to meet “celebrities” and dance professionals from the show. Well that ought to make it easier from millions of wives to convince their husbands to cruise….

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The NCAA just announced additional penalties against the Tennessee football program involving a case with one of Lane Kiffin’s assistant coaches in 2009. Anyone want to join the pool on when the USC Trojans are going back on probation?.

 

Scavenger hunting.

January 12, 2012

Mitt Romney is denying allegations that he is a “vulture capitalist.” He has a point, vultures only take as much as they need to survive.

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Manny Ramirez says if some MLB team gives him another chance he could be a role model. Uh, hasn’t Manny already been a role model. As in “No matter how much God-given talent you have, if you’re lazy or a cheat you can f*ck it up.”

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Glenn Beck threw out his back by bending over a coffee table. Beck will be back on air as soon as he can figure out how to blame this on President Obama.

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Apparently while Governor of Massachusetts, Mitt Romney pushed for science to be included in the state’s testing system. If this leaks out Romney may lose his lead in the GOP primary.

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The media are making much of a new poll saying Tim Tebow is America’s favorite athlete. But to achieve that status, Tebow was chosen by 3.0% (yes three percent) of those polled. To put that in perspect, Newt Gingrich got 9.0% in New Hampshire.

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Flip Saunders, head coach of the Washington Wizards, says that he thinks his young star John Wall picked up “too many bad habits” while playing in the summer league. What, as opposed to the bad habits Wall has picked up playing for the woeful Wizards?

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A new study published on the Public Library of Science says men and women are “basically different species.” In other equally shocking news, Tim Tebow just might be very thankful to his “Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.”

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The Federal Reserve just announced that the final weeks of 2011 were the economy’s strongest. This is good news for anyone who isn’t running for the GOP Presidential nomination.

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SI.com has come out with their Top 20 college football rankings. For NEXT season. Shockingly an SEC team – LSU – is ranked #1. But USC is second, Oregon is third. (Stanford is #20.) Gentlemen, start your bowl lobbying.

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Hostess Brands, the makers of Twinkies, has declared bankruptcy for the second time in ten years. There are rumors the company may be forced to liquidate. Although the Twinkies they have produced should survive for at least another decade.

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ESPN reports Penn State University president Rodney Erickson will be talking to alums today in Pittsburgh, “some of whom aren’t happy about the way the school handled” the Sandusky scandal, the firing of Paterno, etc…. “Some?” Really? Find me ONE alum who thinks the school did a good job.
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Is this an omen? Tim Tebow and the Broncos are taking on the New England Patriots this Saturday night. For competing programming ABC is airing “Wipeout.”

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A L.A. County sheriff’s deputy has been arrested and charged with smuggling drugs into jail inside a burrito. Now there’s a concept, marijuana filled burritos – it’s one way to get buyers hungry enough to finish a whole one.

If you are reading this and like sports humor especially, highly recommend Dwight Perry’s “Sideline Chatter” in the Seattle Times. (In this column from Wednesday he took one of my jokes too.)

http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/sidelinechatter/2017205546_chat11.html#.Tw6RugcUYHM.facebook

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Another night, another California overtime loss for Miami. The Heat lost 95 to 89 to the Clippers after Miami shot 20 of 34 from the free throw line. (.588.) “C’mon guys, it’s not that hard.” – commented Shaquille O’Neal.

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