Posted tagged ‘twilight jokes’

Are you ready for some non-SEC football?

November 11, 2012

There’s a lot of college football left to play…but right now the BCS national championship could feature – Oregon vs. Kansas State. A prospect that must have ESPN as excited as FOX was to televise a SF vs. Detroit World Series.

 

 

“Twilight” fans have been camping out since Thursday for the Monday premiere of “Breaking Dawn: Part 2.” Well, at least they didn’t overlap the line as for the new iPhone 5. The human race doesn’t necessarily want those two groups to meet and breed.

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At SEC headquarters , the question of the night is “Who the heck decided to let Texas A & M in the conference?”

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So Louisiana-Lafayette, needing only to run out the clock with 2 seconds left on 4th and 2 to force overtime, had a punt blocked and lost to Florida 27 to 20. Who made that decision? Someone hoping to transfer to an SEC school as a math major?

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After gay marriage initiatives passed Tuesday, the Vatican is proclaiming themselves as a lone voice of courage — “the only check … to the breakup of the anthropological structures on which human society was founded.” Right, and when we think of courage in tackling sexual issues, we all think of the Vatican.

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So was General Petraeus brought down in the end because his mistress thought he was cheating on her and started threatening that other “other woman”? If so, we can start casting the made for TV movie now…

 

When she appeared this year on “The Daily Show,” Paula Broadwell told Jon Stewart that General Petraeus had “no dirty secrets.” Well, not anymore.

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From my friend Alex Kaseberg –  “Attention guys cheating on wives. The head of the CIA just got caught cheating on his wife. Your stupid ass will not get away with it.”

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So headline in Alabama this morning?    “Rolled, Tide.”

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As some of us are going through baseball withdrawal,  here’s a thought, pitchers and catchers report in about 100 days. Which is about 90 days further away than the opening of the 2016 Presidential campaign season.

Myths and Urban legends…

November 24, 2009

Urban Meyer, coach of the Gators says he wants to dispel rumors he will take the Notre Dame job, and says he is staying at Florida “as long as they’ll have me.”

Or at least until Notre Dame makes him a much better offer…

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But really, if Meyer wants millions to coach an overhyped, unachieving team with ridiculously rich backers, he should probably hold out for the Redskins.

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The Indian Prime Minister, Manmohan Singh, will be visiting President Obama in Washington today, and apparently hoping for evidence that Obama values the “strategic partnership” between the two countries. Especially compared to U.S. relations with China. The short version of Singh’s agenda “Debt, schmebt, want to kiss your tech support goodbye?””

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Governor Schwarzenegger announced his appointment of Republican Abel Maldonado as lieutenant governor on the new Jay Leno show. Democrats immediately accused Arnold of trying to slip his choice through while no one was looking.

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South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford is facing 37 ethics charges . Yes, 37. Or as they call that in Louisiana, a good start.

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37 separate ethics violations for Governor Sanford. Wouldn’t it be simpler for the South Carolina legislature to pass a resolution saying “You’re a scumball, please leave”?

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This is President Obama’s first Thanksgiving in Washington, which means he has to officially pardon a turkey. Though many Democrats think believe Obama’s already done enough for Joe Lieberman.

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Ah for the good old days, when appealing to your “inner 13 year old” mean the rock band Kiss, and not Twilight.

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More about those amazing weekend numbers, over $142 million gross for “The New Moon.” And 80 percent of the audience was women. There were even rumors that of the 20 percent men, about a dozen were actually straight.

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Christie’s is auctioning off a first edition of Darwin’s “On the Origin of Species.” They hope the book will fetch at least 60,000 British pounds. Although the number of people buying Sarah Palin’s book has slightly tarnished the theory of human evolution.

If the Raiders win in a forest…

November 23, 2009

And almost no fans are at the stadium, and no one sees it on TV, does it still count?

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Congrats to the Raiders on a rare win today. For the first time in recent memory, Oakland receivers used their hands more than the French soccer team.

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Brett Favre continues to amaze with his performance as a member of the Minnesota Vikings. If this keeps up wonder if Dan Snyder will find a way to track down Doug Williams.

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Once again, the Washington Redskins came close but lost the game, this time to the Dallas Cowboys. Maybe it was a bit of hubris to name their stadium FedEx Field. At least FedEx actually delivers.

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New New Yorks Knicks slogan – We suck less than the Nets.

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President Obama is getting ready for his first Thanksgiving in the White House, and of course, he plans to pardon a turkey. But most Democrats are telling him, Lieberman just doesn’t deserve it.

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Apparently the President donned a Chicago Bears jacket as part of a NFL promotional spot he has taped for Thanksgiving Day. Not a bad idea, despite all the criticism he has faced, Obama does have higher approval ratings than Jay Cutler.

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“New Moon”, the latest Twilight movie, grossed over $140 million. With an audience that was 80 percent women. Wow. That means some of those women actually got men to show up?

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The number two movie this weekend was “The Blind Side,” basically a football-themed chick-flick, which had an audience of 59 percent women. It’s a shame for the U.S. retail industry that the movies didn’t open Thanksgiving weekend, because given a choice between “New Moon” and “Blind Side,” I imagine a lot of men would say, “Honey, why don’t we go shopping?”

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Stanford lost the “Big Game” in football to Cal, which means that the Bears get to keep the symbol of their rivalry – “the Axe – for another year. But the Cardinal next week has a chance to help ax Charlie Weis.

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Apparently fewer Americans will be travelling home for Thanksgiving by air this year. Of course, on Northwest some of them will waive to their homes as they fly by.

No word also on how many Americans will spend the holidays waiting on the tarmac with JetBlue.

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Go Cardinal.

November 21, 2009

On the eve of the Big Game with Stanford, Cal students took over a classroom building to protest tuition fee hikes. No football players, however, were involved. Not that any of them know where a classroom building is….

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Actually, as big as “Big Game” is for Stanford, next week’s matchup with Notre Dame could be even more interesting. Especially since Charlie Weis may have his job on the line. Let’s see, the Fighting Irish in the midst of a disappointing season, all that tradition and hard-core alums, and a coach who could get fired if they lose. Can’t imagine what the Stanford band will come up with for a halftime show….

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And maybe after the Stanford-Cal game, the media will finally stop talking about Stanford coach Jim Harbaugh’s decision to go for two with a 27 point lead last week against USC. Personally, while Harbaugh has come up with all sorts of excuses on the subject, I would have preferred the Woody Hayes answer. When asked once why he went for two with a 36 (yes 36) point lead against Michigan, he responded “Because I couldn’t go for three.”

(note, this might be the only time EVER I write something positive about the late Woody Hayes.)

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Correcting the spread: As noted earlier this week in this blog. The University of Florida, as part of their usual yearly effort to play a schedule worthy of a BCS champion, has scheduled Florida International University this weekend. The spread was 41 1/2. Six touchdowns. But Vegas has decided that was unrealistic. The spread is now 45.

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Giants pitcher Tim Lincecum won the Cy Young with only 15 wins, despite a 2.48 ERA. Since voters decided not to punish him for the team’s anemic offense. Asked about trying to sign a “big bat,” San Francisco GM Brian Sabean said they probably wouldn’t go for one of the top, but that there was a “good crop of second-tier free agents” out there. Translation, next year Lincecum could win another award with a 2.20 ERA and 13 wins.
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“New Moon,” the second movie in the “Twilight Saga,” is opening this weekend. For all those who didn’t believe it would be possible to write worse dialogue than the “Star Wars Trilogy.”

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Give the “Twilight” phenonomen some credit. The movies are making many parents think back nostalgically to the days of “Barney the Dinosaur.”

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Customs officers seized a shipment of 316,000 bongs disguised as Christmas ornaments at Los Angeles harbor. In related news, shares of Krispy Kreme stock just dropped 10 percent.

Somewhere in the middle of the NBA playoff season..

May 12, 2009

The NBA playoff season just might get finished by July this year.  It’s a shame Monty Python never were basketball fans.. could have put a whole new spin on a famous skit.

“Still no sign of the finals,  still no sign of the finals…”

“How long is it?”

“That’s a mighty personal question…”

(If you don’t know Monty Python, this won’t make sense.  Not that they ever made sense.  If you do know Monty Python then let me congratulation the Lakers Sunday on their dead parrot imitation.”

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How long is the NBA season?  Even Joe Biden complains, it goes on forever…

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The UCLA Bruins will shut Pauley Pavilion for the 2011-2 basketball season while they renovate their famous arena.  The Bruins actually may end up playing home games at the Staples Center.

Which is rough news for the Clippers, just when they’d gotten used to the idea of being the Center’s second best team.

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On Mothers’s Day, the Los Angeles Lakers had a chance to really take control in their series against Houston, especially with Yao Ming out.  But they mailed their cards to their mothers, and then they mailed in the game.

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The Cleveland Cavaliers continued their march towards the NBA finals, sweeping the Hawks 4-0.  In fact, they destroyed Atlanta faster than anyone not named Sherman.

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A woman found a copy of a script for the sequel to the movie “Twilight” in a trash can.  I suppose it would be tacky to say that it’s a shame that didnt happen to the original

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Barack Obama invited the UNC basketball team to the White House. Not only were they the national champions,  but in his ESPN pool the Tarheels were the President’s first pick to win it all.  Which is better luck than he had with his Cabinet. 

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Donald Trump soon will decide the fate of Miss California, Carrie Prejean.  It will be a tough decision for the aging magnate with the young surgically enhanced blonde beauty….  Should he fire her or marry her?


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