Posted tagged ‘Thanksgiving jokes’

Turkey day and night

November 28, 2014

The three NFL games on Thanksgiving were all bad enough some people found themselves forced to actually talk to their relatives.

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FOX is advertising a post-game “Cause for Paws” tonight – “An All-Star Dog Spectacular.”. So are they doing a show on the ‪#‎NFCSouth‬

 

 

Were the ‪#‎49ers‬ tonight trying to earn a transfer to the ‪#‎NFCSouth‬?

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49ers coach Jim Harbaugh at halftime. “We’re going to show up this half.”. So no one told San Francisco they needed to show up in the first half?

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49ers owner Jed York tweeted out at the end of the game “Thank you for coming out strong tonight. This performance wasn’t acceptable. I apologize for that.”    Wonder if both fans left in the stands appreciated the sentiment?

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As for the middle game, it would have taken a lot more than one ‪#‎buttfumble‬ today to save the ‪#‎Cowboys‬. ‪#‎PHIvsDAL‬

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There are moments when I think it would have been nice to have a daughter. Then I watch the ‪#‎Dallascowboys‬ cheerleaders. And think – their parents must be so proud.

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In Siberia, when an airplane’s brakes froze, passengers helped push their own plane on a snow-covered runway. And in the U.S., airlines thought… hmm, how can we use this idea to cut costs this winter?

 

Oil prices fell to under $70 a barrel today. Which means somehow airlines will find a way to spin that to increase fuel surcharges.

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Just a thought. Many people are upset about the idea of Thanksgiving shopping because it means others are working on the holiday. But no one’s been screaming about folks working at airlines, hotels, restaurants, and, if you’ve forgotten something for dinner, grocery stores.

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The Tampa Bay Buccaneers apparently served colored water masquerading as tequila. Makes sense. The Bucs are also masquerading as an NFL team.

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But really? What were they thinking? If someone wants to drink colored water there’s always Bud Light.

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The Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade was a success today with no balloon malfunctions. And on a holiday it would be uncharitable to make a Chris Christie joke here.

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P.D.James, 94 has passed away. If you’re a mystery reader who knows her books, you know how sad this is. If you’re a mystery reader who hasn’t read her books… you have a lot of potential treats in store. ‪#‎AdamDagliesh‬

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Bus to hell time. A man hiking in New Jersey took a series of five pictures on his cellphone of a black bear before the bear attacked and mauled him to death. Guess he should have stopped at four?

(my friend Marty B. calls it “a Kodiak moment.”)

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Turkey time

November 26, 2014

This afternoon, most media outlets covered President Obama’s executive order pardoning two turkeys. So where’s the coverage of Ted Cruz’s opposing filibuster?

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Although Britain doesn’t celebrate Thanksgiving, stores and websites across the pond have started offering “Black Friday” sales. Good to know that the U.S.A. is exporting our traditional values around the world.

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So far, while hundreds of flights were cancelled, air travel was not as awful as expected with the today’s east coast storm. Making many travelers happy, while seriously disappointing others who were all ready to try not to giggle while telling relatives “sorry, just can’t make it this year.”

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Hmm, Stanford coach David Shaw thinks his team is “still an attractive team to a bowl”, because “fans have traveled to the last four bowl games.” True enough, but those were big BCS bowls. Wonder how many alums have the Cactus Bowl on their holiday wish list.

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A British man on a way to his honeymoon in Cuba got drunk enough on the plane that he first fought with his bride, then threatened the flight crew. So the flight landed in Bermuda, he was arrested, and his wife and the rest of the plane went on without him. Well, that’s getting the “for worse” out of the way in a hurry..

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Musical QB chairs time. The Jets are moving back to starting Geno Smith this Sunday. It’s all part of a complicated process for NY to aim for the #1 draft pick?

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A new billboard in Denver warns parents to keep marijuana candy and alcohol away from kids. Cool But can they add guns to the list?

 

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If the NFL REALLY wanted to give Americans a Thanksgiving turkey, wouldn’t the league have figured out a way to have a team from the NFL South play Thursday?

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Saints and Falcons tied for NFC South lead at 4 and 7. Could be first NFL division champion this year who wouldn’t be NCAA bowl eligible.

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Now there are rumors that RGIII is done as the Redskins’ QB. If true, how long until Washington gets a trade offer from the Jets?

 

A man whose backpack was stolen Sunday night in Berkeley discovered his credit card was being used to order a pizza a few hours later. He called the cops, the cops called the pizza place, delivered the pizza, arrested three men, and recovered the stolen property. ‪#‎crooksreallyarestupid‬

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From Alex Kaseberg:   “A woman in the crowd before last weekend’s Tennessee football  game wept when Tim Tebow presented her with a piece of cake. Unfortunately for her, the cake was then intercepted and returned for a touchdown.

Getting what you didn’t pay for.

November 24, 2014

StubHub is not allowing sales of tickets given away for the Monday night Bills-Jets game, saying their policy is often not to allow sales of tickets the seller has obtained for free. Well, that and Stubhub doesn’t think they’ll make much money on the game anyway.

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But meanwhile, scalpers are reportedly  asking up to $125 for “free tickets” to the Buffalo-NY game in Detroit Monday night. And Jets fans are thinking “clearly buyers haven’t seen our team play.”

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Joey Chestnut has won a turkey-eating contest in Connecticut, eating 9.5 pounds of meat off a 20 pound turkey in 10 minutes. Wonder what Chestnut then did for a main course.

 

Lindsey Graham said of the GOP-led EIGHTH Benghazi House investigation findings, “I think the report is full of crap,” A new definition of infinity might be how many investigations it would take to convince Senator Graham that the Obama administration really didn’t lie to cover up what happened.

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#‎SF49ers‬ both won and accomplished the near impossible Sunday.   They made the Washington ‪#‎Redskins‬ look like a decent ‪#‎NFL‬ team.

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A student organizing protests against a proposed UC Berkeley tuition hike was quoted as saying that “the public university will be more expensive than Ivy League for out-of-state students. What will be the incentive for out-of-state students to come here if it’s more expensive than a private school?” Uh, leaving football out of it, maybe if they get admitted to Cal and not an Ivy League?

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If the Saints can beat the Ravens on MNF they will take control of the NFL South with an impressive record of 5-6.

Or there’s this tweet from @NOTSportsCenter):

NFC South Week 12 results-

Falcons: Lost to Browns
Bucs: Lost to Bears
Panthers: Lost to Bye week
Saints: Waiting till tomorrow to lose

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Tough question of the day. If you saw both Cowboys’ owner Jerry Jones and Redskins’ owner Dan Snyder both about to be set upon by a pack of starving wolves, which man would you point the wolves to first?

 

Be careful what you wish for. Stanford became bowl eligible by beating Cal yesterday in the Big Game. And could be headed to the Cactus Bowl. The #6 choice from the Pac 12 vs the #5 choice from the Big 12. In Glendale, AZ, on January 2. So their reward could be a “who-cares” game, which would require practicing all the way through the holiday season…..

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Trader Joe’s $8.99 potted Amaryllis bulb LITERALLY grows enough that you can see a difference overnight. Are we sure that the store isn’t using something illegal and performance enhancing? ‪#‎simplepleasures‬

 

 

 

 

 

From T.C.  “NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell says that he is not out of touch with player Personal Conduct policies. Goodell then announced that he was suspending Bill Cosby indefinitely.

Birds of a feather?

November 13, 2014

The college bowl game formerly known as the “Kraft Fight Hunger Bowl,” now scheduled for Dec. 30 at Levi’s Stadium, has been renamed and will now be the “Foster Farms Bowl.” So how long until it gets named the “Chicken Sh*t Bowl”?

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A tractor-trailer overturned and spilled about 25,000 pounds of frozen boxed turkeys onto I-680 in Northern California today. So forget free range, this year expect to see ads for freeway turkeys.

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One rumor has the Red Sox flying Pablo Sandoval out to Boston for a visit next week. Considering that the Boston weather is expected to have a high in the 30s, the SF Giants might be good with that.

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Tom Brady on Andrew Luck. “He does a lot of things I wish I could do.” Starting with turning back the clock to being 25 again?

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Blake Griffin has been charged with one count of misdemeanor battery for an October incident in a Las Vegas nightclub. Shocking. Mostly that when the police charged the Clippers’ forward, that Griffin didn’t immediately flop.

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KNBR’s Gary Radnich has noticed it too. For those going through SF baseball withdrawal, the San Antonio Spurs are kind of like the Giants. Not particularly flashy, not much attention on the highlight shows, but they play like a team and just keep winning. Although the Spurs don’t have any cool animal nicknames.

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Undefeated Florida State was dropped in the College Football Rankings, in large part because they haven’t had big enough margins of victory. Coach Jimbo Fisher shrugged it off and “I’m hoping to hold the integrity of the game higher than everybody else.” “Integrity of the game!” In college football?. And Fisher said it with a straight face.

 

Florida State officials apparently have agreed to postpone Jameis Winston’s upcoming student conduct code hearing until Dec.1, because the QB’s attorney told them he hadn’t had “sufficient time to review the evidence.” So on Nov. 30 presume they will ask for one more extension until say, Jan. 13? (The day after the College Football Championship game)

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KOMO-4 TV in Seattle discovered that beer at CenturyLink Field is watered down. Wow. Imagine how loud Seahawks fans would be if they were drinking the regular stuff.

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Marijuana sales actually fell for the first time in September since it became legal in January 2014. People saving up to buy extra for the holidays?   Or new college students who didn’t realize it was a good idea to write down the addresses after their first purchase? (“Dude, where’s my pot store?”)

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Ted Cruz’s supporters have started a ‘Stand for Principle’ PAC to support him in 2016. Which means the Texas senator is probably running for President. Great news. For comedy writers.

On a serious note, the attorney general’s office in the Dominican Republic reported that the Cardinals’ star rookie propect Oscar Taveras’s blood alcohol level was “five times the legal limit” when he crashed his car and died last month. Sadly proving once again that it’s not just the illegal drugs that can cause a problem in professional sports.

 

A 4.8 earthquake today hit Kansas, Oklahoma and Arkansas. Not sure, but maybe Mother Nature wasn’t very happy with last week’s election results.

 

 

 

 

What’s wrong with MLB’s TV & marketing focus on a few teams? ‪#‎CoreyKluber‬ just won the AL ‪#‎CYYoung‬ award. And many baseball fans are thinking “Who?”

Post Turkey Stress Syndrome?

November 29, 2013

Forget Obamacare, the healthcare most Americans really need on Thanksgiving is something to monitor blood pressure and tell them when it’s time to stop arguing with their relatives.

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The Bengals-Chargers game in San Diego will be the first NFL blackout this year. Yeah, that’s the way to raise interest in a team that can’t sell out its games – make sure local fans can’t watch.

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Meanwhile in Washington D.C., even though the Giants-Redskins game at FedEx Field is a sellout, football fans are wondering, can’t the league be kind and give them a less painful network game to watch?

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Brett Favre thought he was irreplaceable to the #Packers . Turns out the QB who really was is Aaron Rodgers.

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A few days, Packers offensive lineman Josh Sitton called the Lions defensive linemen “a bunch of dirtbags or scumbags.”  And no doubt after today’s 40-10 game Detroit fans are thinking “how do we get more dirtbags and scumbags?”

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Another thing to be thankful for. Most crooks are stupid: In Arkansas, man is under arrest after he “butt-dialed” another man he was allegedly paying to have murdered. The intended victim heard the suspect say to make the killing look like an accident. He then returned to his home with police, where someone had broken in and started a gas leak….

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So with stores opening Thursday night many people were faced with a difficult choice after dinner. Leave your family to go to the mall to shop. Or ignore your family to go online to shop.

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Scientists hoped the “comet of the century”, ISON, could slingshot around the sun Thursday and be visible to the naked eye in December,. But apparently the comet has “broken up and died.” Chalk up another victim of Obamacare?

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From T.C   “A Target store in Jacksonville is giving away free Jaguars gear. A spokesperson said, What else can we to do with all this stuff that’s been returned?”

 

All this commotion about stores opening on Thanksgiving: Many Americans who were flying, stopping at gas stations, staying in hotels and eating dinner at restaurants, found it very depressing that retail employees needed to work today.

Turkey time

November 28, 2013

This year Thanksgiving falls on the first day of the Jewish holiday of Hanukkah. Perfect. We can start feeling guilty even before we overeat.

 

 

Storms were milder than expected Wednesday, resulting in fewer than expected air traffic delays. Although no doubt airlines looking ahead to next year have to be considering a “holiday weather surcharge.”

 

Three NFL games tomorrow – Green Bay Detroit, Dallas Oakland, and Pittsburgh-Baltimore. With only two teams, Detroit and Dallas, over .500, barely, at 6-5. Talk about Thanksgiving turkeys.

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President Obama pardoned two turkeys Wednesday. And Republicans immediately accused him of turkey appeasement.

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So let’s see, family tensions, check, turkey to make people sleepy, check, plenty of alcohol before and during dinner, check. Sounds like we’ve got all the ingredients for a real adventure as Americans drive to the mall for Thanksgiving night shopping.

 

A Huffington Post/YouGov poll found that 65% of Democrats, 63% of Republicans and 60% of independents said stores should be closed on Thanksgiving.  Wonder how many people saw those numbers and thought  “Let’s head to the mall – less competition for parking spaces.”

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A Pizza Hut manager in Indiana was fired over his refusal to open his restaurant on Thanksgiving day. Well, it’s understandable. He was depriving all those Americans of their traditional pizza and hot wings feast.

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A Michigan car dealer has offered to give away free cars if the Wolverines shut out Ohio State in football this weekend . Presumably all those free cars will be driven by flying pigs?

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A picture-taking tourist who leaned over too far and fell into a gorge at Victoria Falls in Zambia, somehow escaped with only minor bruises. And somewhere Darwin is thinking “Missed it by THAT much.”

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Aren’t we glad that those in charge of college athletics are focusing on the right stuff? The NAIA has told a Southwestern College basketball player who won $20,000 for making a half-court shot at an Oklahoma City Thunder game that he will have to forfeit the money or lose his eligibility to play college basketball. (Wish this was the Onion.)

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Richard Simmons said that he wanted to help the Obamas with their fitness campaign but that “hey have rejected me totally.” Finally, SOMETHING the President and Michelle have done that will get bipartisan agreement.

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Minnesota LB Erin Henderson was arrested last week for DUI and possession of a controlled substance, the 3rd Viking arrested in 3 weeks. What are they all trying to do, get traded to the Bengals?

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Ryan Braun at a press conference about PEDs. “It was a huge mistake. I wish that I hadn’t done it. I wish I could go back and do a lot of things different. I don’t think I could specifically pinpoint one thing that I regret more than anything else…”  One thing?  Uh, how about Braun’s trying to throw everyone under the bus who accused him, for starters.

 

Southwest Airlines has announced that wi-fi will now be available gate to gate on their planes. In response, United Airlines said that wi-fi will be available on some of their planes, if you get lucky, but they won’t promise which ones, and that’s if the wi-fi actually works. (But in the meantime they’re taking out the entertainment systems so you might have several hours with NOTHING.) #notsofriendly

Very bad Santa.

November 26, 2013

A Massachusetts man who played Santa Claus at a mall has charged with groping an 18-year-old woman playing an elf. Are we sure this isn’t a sequel to a Billy Bob Thorton movie?

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I’m a little disappointed in the GOP. It’s been over 24 hours and I haven’t yet seen anyone tie #Brian of #FamilyGuy‘s death to #Obamacare.

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A-Rod has added Bud Selig to his lawsuit against MLB, saying because the commissioner didn’t testify at his hearing that Selig “lacked the courage of his convictions.” Ridiculous. As if anyone thought Bud had convictions.

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#Colts owner Jim Irsay is ranting again on Twitter about his team’s performance.  Another thing to be thankful for –  George Steinbrenner didn’t live in the social media age.

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At this point wouldn’t it be faster for ESPN to announce the players in the Seattle Seahawks secondary who HAVEN’T been suspended?

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Gosh times are tough. Kanye West said he needed to leave his Nike deal to sign with Adidas because “I have to provide for my family.”

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The Mets and Yankees missed the playoffs, the Giants, Jets, Knicks and Nets look well on their way to doing the same. At this point the next NYC-area team to make the post season may be Rutgers football in the no-name bowl.

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The only players signed for the Los Angeles Lakers next season are Kobe Bryant and Steve Nash. Maybe the team hopes to offset their costs with a big endorsement contract from Depends?

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Lots of headlines about CBS ordering Lara Logan and her producer to take a leave of absence over their story on Benghazi which was based on a supposed witness who falsified his story. On Foxnews.com this story is in the entertainment section, after the story on Alec Baldwin being fired.

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The story is that Alec Baldwin’s rants at photographers cost him his talk show job at MSNBC. More like his rants gave the network a chance to dump a show with low ratings.

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Lakers GM manager Mitch Kupchak said today that not only will Kobe Bryant retire as a Laker, he’ll also finish his career playing on a championship-contending team. So is Kobe planning to play until he’s 50?

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Britney Spears’ new album is only 36 minutes long. Isn’t that about the same length as her first marriage?

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Tacky alert:    High winds may ground Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade balloons. New Jersey Governor Chris Christie has offered to march as a substitute.


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