Posted tagged ‘Thanksgiving jokes’

Birds of a feather?

November 13, 2014

The college bowl game formerly known as the “Kraft Fight Hunger Bowl,” now scheduled for Dec. 30 at Levi’s Stadium, has been renamed and will now be the “Foster Farms Bowl.” So how long until it gets named the “Chicken Sh*t Bowl”?

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A tractor-trailer overturned and spilled about 25,000 pounds of frozen boxed turkeys onto I-680 in Northern California today. So forget free range, this year expect to see ads for freeway turkeys.

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One rumor has the Red Sox flying Pablo Sandoval out to Boston for a visit next week. Considering that the Boston weather is expected to have a high in the 30s, the SF Giants might be good with that.

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Tom Brady on Andrew Luck. “He does a lot of things I wish I could do.” Starting with turning back the clock to being 25 again?

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Blake Griffin has been charged with one count of misdemeanor battery for an October incident in a Las Vegas nightclub. Shocking. Mostly that when the police charged the Clippers’ forward, that Griffin didn’t immediately flop.

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KNBR’s Gary Radnich has noticed it too. For those going through SF baseball withdrawal, the San Antonio Spurs are kind of like the Giants. Not particularly flashy, not much attention on the highlight shows, but they play like a team and just keep winning. Although the Spurs don’t have any cool animal nicknames.

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Undefeated Florida State was dropped in the College Football Rankings, in large part because they haven’t had big enough margins of victory. Coach Jimbo Fisher shrugged it off and “I’m hoping to hold the integrity of the game higher than everybody else.” “Integrity of the game!” In college football?. And Fisher said it with a straight face.

 

Florida State officials apparently have agreed to postpone Jameis Winston’s upcoming student conduct code hearing until Dec.1, because the QB’s attorney told them he hadn’t had “sufficient time to review the evidence.” So on Nov. 30 presume they will ask for one more extension until say, Jan. 13? (The day after the College Football Championship game)

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KOMO-4 TV in Seattle discovered that beer at CenturyLink Field is watered down. Wow. Imagine how loud Seahawks fans would be if they were drinking the regular stuff.

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Marijuana sales actually fell for the first time in September since it became legal in January 2014. People saving up to buy extra for the holidays?   Or new college students who didn’t realize it was a good idea to write down the addresses after their first purchase? (“Dude, where’s my pot store?”)

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Ted Cruz’s supporters have started a ‘Stand for Principle’ PAC to support him in 2016. Which means the Texas senator is probably running for President. Great news. For comedy writers.

On a serious note, the attorney general’s office in the Dominican Republic reported that the Cardinals’ star rookie propect Oscar Taveras’s blood alcohol level was “five times the legal limit” when he crashed his car and died last month. Sadly proving once again that it’s not just the illegal drugs that can cause a problem in professional sports.

 

A 4.8 earthquake today hit Kansas, Oklahoma and Arkansas. Not sure, but maybe Mother Nature wasn’t very happy with last week’s election results.

 

 

 

 

What’s wrong with MLB’s TV & marketing focus on a few teams? ‪#‎CoreyKluber‬ just won the AL ‪#‎CYYoung‬ award. And many baseball fans are thinking “Who?”

Post Turkey Stress Syndrome?

November 29, 2013

Forget Obamacare, the healthcare most Americans really need on Thanksgiving is something to monitor blood pressure and tell them when it’s time to stop arguing with their relatives.

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The Bengals-Chargers game in San Diego will be the first NFL blackout this year. Yeah, that’s the way to raise interest in a team that can’t sell out its games – make sure local fans can’t watch.

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Meanwhile in Washington D.C., even though the Giants-Redskins game at FedEx Field is a sellout, football fans are wondering, can’t the league be kind and give them a less painful network game to watch?

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Brett Favre thought he was irreplaceable to the #Packers . Turns out the QB who really was is Aaron Rodgers.

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A few days, Packers offensive lineman Josh Sitton called the Lions defensive linemen “a bunch of dirtbags or scumbags.”  And no doubt after today’s 40-10 game Detroit fans are thinking “how do we get more dirtbags and scumbags?”

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Another thing to be thankful for. Most crooks are stupid: In Arkansas, man is under arrest after he “butt-dialed” another man he was allegedly paying to have murdered. The intended victim heard the suspect say to make the killing look like an accident. He then returned to his home with police, where someone had broken in and started a gas leak….

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So with stores opening Thursday night many people were faced with a difficult choice after dinner. Leave your family to go to the mall to shop. Or ignore your family to go online to shop.

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Scientists hoped the “comet of the century”, ISON, could slingshot around the sun Thursday and be visible to the naked eye in December,. But apparently the comet has “broken up and died.” Chalk up another victim of Obamacare?

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From T.C   “A Target store in Jacksonville is giving away free Jaguars gear. A spokesperson said, What else can we to do with all this stuff that’s been returned?”

 

All this commotion about stores opening on Thanksgiving: Many Americans who were flying, stopping at gas stations, staying in hotels and eating dinner at restaurants, found it very depressing that retail employees needed to work today.

Turkey time

November 28, 2013

This year Thanksgiving falls on the first day of the Jewish holiday of Hanukkah. Perfect. We can start feeling guilty even before we overeat.

 

 

Storms were milder than expected Wednesday, resulting in fewer than expected air traffic delays. Although no doubt airlines looking ahead to next year have to be considering a “holiday weather surcharge.”

 

Three NFL games tomorrow – Green Bay Detroit, Dallas Oakland, and Pittsburgh-Baltimore. With only two teams, Detroit and Dallas, over .500, barely, at 6-5. Talk about Thanksgiving turkeys.

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President Obama pardoned two turkeys Wednesday. And Republicans immediately accused him of turkey appeasement.

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So let’s see, family tensions, check, turkey to make people sleepy, check, plenty of alcohol before and during dinner, check. Sounds like we’ve got all the ingredients for a real adventure as Americans drive to the mall for Thanksgiving night shopping.

 

A Huffington Post/YouGov poll found that 65% of Democrats, 63% of Republicans and 60% of independents said stores should be closed on Thanksgiving.  Wonder how many people saw those numbers and thought  “Let’s head to the mall – less competition for parking spaces.”

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A Pizza Hut manager in Indiana was fired over his refusal to open his restaurant on Thanksgiving day. Well, it’s understandable. He was depriving all those Americans of their traditional pizza and hot wings feast.

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A Michigan car dealer has offered to give away free cars if the Wolverines shut out Ohio State in football this weekend . Presumably all those free cars will be driven by flying pigs?

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A picture-taking tourist who leaned over too far and fell into a gorge at Victoria Falls in Zambia, somehow escaped with only minor bruises. And somewhere Darwin is thinking “Missed it by THAT much.”

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Aren’t we glad that those in charge of college athletics are focusing on the right stuff? The NAIA has told a Southwestern College basketball player who won $20,000 for making a half-court shot at an Oklahoma City Thunder game that he will have to forfeit the money or lose his eligibility to play college basketball. (Wish this was the Onion.)

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Richard Simmons said that he wanted to help the Obamas with their fitness campaign but that “hey have rejected me totally.” Finally, SOMETHING the President and Michelle have done that will get bipartisan agreement.

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Minnesota LB Erin Henderson was arrested last week for DUI and possession of a controlled substance, the 3rd Viking arrested in 3 weeks. What are they all trying to do, get traded to the Bengals?

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Ryan Braun at a press conference about PEDs. “It was a huge mistake. I wish that I hadn’t done it. I wish I could go back and do a lot of things different. I don’t think I could specifically pinpoint one thing that I regret more than anything else…”  One thing?  Uh, how about Braun’s trying to throw everyone under the bus who accused him, for starters.

 

Southwest Airlines has announced that wi-fi will now be available gate to gate on their planes. In response, United Airlines said that wi-fi will be available on some of their planes, if you get lucky, but they won’t promise which ones, and that’s if the wi-fi actually works. (But in the meantime they’re taking out the entertainment systems so you might have several hours with NOTHING.) #notsofriendly

Very bad Santa.

November 26, 2013

A Massachusetts man who played Santa Claus at a mall has charged with groping an 18-year-old woman playing an elf. Are we sure this isn’t a sequel to a Billy Bob Thorton movie?

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I’m a little disappointed in the GOP. It’s been over 24 hours and I haven’t yet seen anyone tie #Brian of #FamilyGuy‘s death to #Obamacare.

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A-Rod has added Bud Selig to his lawsuit against MLB, saying because the commissioner didn’t testify at his hearing that Selig “lacked the courage of his convictions.” Ridiculous. As if anyone thought Bud had convictions.

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#Colts owner Jim Irsay is ranting again on Twitter about his team’s performance.  Another thing to be thankful for -  George Steinbrenner didn’t live in the social media age.

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At this point wouldn’t it be faster for ESPN to announce the players in the Seattle Seahawks secondary who HAVEN’T been suspended?

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Gosh times are tough. Kanye West said he needed to leave his Nike deal to sign with Adidas because “I have to provide for my family.”

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The Mets and Yankees missed the playoffs, the Giants, Jets, Knicks and Nets look well on their way to doing the same. At this point the next NYC-area team to make the post season may be Rutgers football in the no-name bowl.

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The only players signed for the Los Angeles Lakers next season are Kobe Bryant and Steve Nash. Maybe the team hopes to offset their costs with a big endorsement contract from Depends?

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Lots of headlines about CBS ordering Lara Logan and her producer to take a leave of absence over their story on Benghazi which was based on a supposed witness who falsified his story. On Foxnews.com this story is in the entertainment section, after the story on Alec Baldwin being fired.

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The story is that Alec Baldwin’s rants at photographers cost him his talk show job at MSNBC. More like his rants gave the network a chance to dump a show with low ratings.

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Lakers GM manager Mitch Kupchak said today that not only will Kobe Bryant retire as a Laker, he’ll also finish his career playing on a championship-contending team. So is Kobe planning to play until he’s 50?

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Britney Spears’ new album is only 36 minutes long. Isn’t that about the same length as her first marriage?

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Tacky alert:    High winds may ground Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade balloons. New Jersey Governor Chris Christie has offered to march as a substitute.

Random thoughts

November 14, 2013

A thought about all these stores opening Thanksgiving night. Let’s see…take millions of Americans, add family stress, plus alcohol, and put them on the road to the mall. What could POSSIBLY go wrong?

 

Random baseball  thought, none of the 2014 CY Young nor MVP winners played in the World Series. Coincidence? Or is there something about having a superstar on the team that makes others feel less urgency about performing?

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Chris Brown checked out of rehab, about two weeks after he checked in following his latest arrest in Washington, D.C. Too soon to start a pool on the next “incident?”

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In a recent poll, Congress was viewed less favorably than hemorrhoids or toenail fungus. Well, makes sense. There are cures for hemorrhoids and toenail fungus.

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MLB owners today approved funding to expand instant replay in 2014. You know what this means – beer prices are going up.

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Apparently the $10 million annual jeweled “Fantasy Bra” created by Victoria’s Secret isn’t very comfortable. Uh, thinking anyone buying such a bra for a present wouldn’t expect it to stay on very long.

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A blind man was kicked off a US Airways flight because his service dog wouldn’t sit still for takeoff. The flight was then cancelled when so many other passengers protested. Wonder how many of them were protesting that airlines don’t do that with parents and children.

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Just when you think the Toronto mayor story can’t get any weirder. Today Rob Ford, denying an affair with a former staffer. “It says I wanted to eat her (fill in the blank) and I have never said that in my life to her. I would never do that. I’m happily married and I’ve got more than enough to eat at home.” Is Ford angling for a post with the Clinton Global Initiative.

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On thing about Toronto Mayor Rob Ford,  perhaps he puts to rest the image of Canadian politics being boring to rest once and for all.  (for those who don’t remember Pierre Trudeau.)

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Not sure how long this Rob Ford saga will continue. But if there’s a silver lining for anyone, at least the 2013-14 Maple Leafs are just about guaranteed not to be the biggest target of jokes in Toronto.

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A woman on a Southwest plane that made a rapid descent and then made a safe emergency landing at Raleigh-Durham airport, claims the pilot told passengers “We’re in trouble; we’re going down.’” No word on any possible compensation. But wonder if another carrier might have added a “thrill-ride” surcharge.

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Miami Dolphins guard Richie Incognito has now filed a grievance against the team over his suspension. This might be the biggest mess ever in Florida football not involving Urban Meyer..

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Once again proving that Twitter is a great way to prove you’re an idiot in only 140 characters: The Clippers’ Matt Barnes, DURING last night’s game, after he was ejected , tweeted, “I love my teammates like family, but I’m DONE standing up for these n—as! All this s— does is cost me money. …” The tweet was later deleted.

 

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Just a hunch that a year from now the GOP will be back to Benghazi as an anti-Obama theme. Because as much of a mess as the Obamacare rollout has been in some ways, is it that different than a lot of big high-tech rollouts? Or say, airline mergers? The biggest mistake made may have been the assumption this was going to be smooth from the get go.

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Bill Littlejohn:  USC coach Ed Orgeron’s handwritten thank-you letters to each member of the Trojan marching band defied school tradition–every word in each note was spelled correctly”

Final, Final Last Chances…

October 15, 2013

Really? Email Monday from a vendor “Final Day to Shop Our Columbus Day Sale.” But presumably tomorrow is the “First day to shop the Halloween Sale”.

 

So while we’re on the football team name game… In these PC times is it only due to the fact that New Orleans’ team now is pretty good, that we haven’t heard a protest from the Catholic Church?

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Idea for President Obama to get bipartisan agreement during a tough time in Washington, D.C.: Appointing Dan Snyder to some symbolic but meaningless position which would still require Snyder to sell the Redskins.

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In Berkeley, Seattle, and other U.S. cites, Columbus Day is Indigenous Peoples’ Day. But no matter how P.C. this country gets, however, it will probably never spread national-wide. Especially since most Americans can’t spell “Indigenous.”

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Harry Reid said Monday a deal was near to end the shutdown. Maybe someone told Ted Cruz to stay home because no one would be negotiating on Columbus Day?

 

Got to love announcers saying that an 0 2 hole in ALCS or NLCS would mean series was basically over. Guess it’s been so long in MLB  since a team climbed out of a two-game hole…

 

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A backup dancer who dressed up as a teddy bear for Miley Cyrus’s MTV performance is now saying that being “on that stage, in that costume was one of the most degrading things I felt like I could ever do.” Uh, presumably less degrading than a costume where anyone could actually see her face and recognize her.

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Arkansas AD director Jeff Long has been named the first chair of the College Football Playoff selection committee. Someone from the SEC, I’m shocked, shocked…..

 

Tried to buy red wine from United flight attendant. “Sorry, we only have white.”. Okay, then,  fine. Pay the man and he hands me a chilled mini-bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon.

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Scientists have found traces of a chemical similar to methamphetamine in Craze, a pre-workout sports supplement. Wonder if the company claims the product was originally designed by a high school teacher?

 

Greg Schiano, coach of the 0-5 Tampa Bay Bucs “The only thing I can say to the fans is, if they can hang in there, we’re going to be good.” Not sure if he’s right, but Schiano has just been named an honorary Chicago Cub

 

Macy’s will open some stores this Thanksgiving at 8pm. The bad news, this will keep many Americans from spending time with their families. The good news, this will keep many Americans from spending time with their families.

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A Massachusetts High School senior volleyball player lost her captain’s title and was suspended five games after she drove to pick up a drunk friend at a party where students were drinking. (Despite a police officer’s vouching for her being sober.) Wrong on so many levels, but why do I think this wouldn’t have happened to the captain of the football team?

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Happy Thanksgiving!

November 22, 2012

First of all, besides the usual family and friends stuff,   am very thankful to anyone who reads this blog. Whether it’s regularly or whether you stumbled upon it looking for a joke,  you all are the reason I write.  And I hope I brighten your day.

I also really appreciate everyone who takes the time to comment, whether it’s positive or negative, or to add a line I wish I’d written.
But today is time for a special thanks also to all those who make these jokes possible.

This year,  in no particular order, special thanks to the Chicago Cubs,  the New York Yankees, the Boston Red Sox (especially departed manager Bobby Valentine), the Los Angeles Dodgers (especially their trade with the Red Sox),  and the Miami Marlins.

Thanks to Jamie Moyer too, who alas probably has retired for good. But he was a great competitor, an excellent punchline, and from all I hear, an even better human being.  (Runs a foundation for children in distress.)

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Plus another serious thank you (okay, I get one)  to the San Francisco Giants.  For making us realize that the impossible sometimes is merely the unlikely.   And who somehow managed to win the World Series without being on the brink of elimination to the Detroit Tigers.

Thanks to the replacement refs, and to the NFL for maintaining for so long that there was no problem with them.  Thanks to the Philadelphia Eagles and the NY Jets for imploding so spectacularly.  And the Washington Redskins and Oakland Raiders for not being far behind.

Thanks to the NBA for the shortened season (can we do this every year), and to the Lakers for assuring that even at the beginning of the season we have some drama.

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Thanks to the BCS for being as screwed up as ever,  the NCAA for turning “student-athlete” into a perennial punchline, and the SEC for making the New York Yankees look humble.

Oh, yes, and thanks to the conferences whose inability to grasp the concept of math (10 is 14?) is equaled only by their utter fail at geography.  (San Diego State in the Big East?)

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Thanks to politicians on both sides of the aisle.  With the GOP primaries, they provided far more targets, not to mention the multiple personalities of Mitt Romney but the Dems always have Bill Clinton and Joe Biden.

And President Obama, for being someone we can blame EVERYONE on.  (If he thinks the punchlines are bad, wait until his second term, when the girls hit puberty while Michelle probably goes through menopause.)

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And finally, thanks to all the folks in this world, famous and not so famous,  who continue to act in absurd ways where often punchlines aren’t even necessary.


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