Posted tagged ‘Tebow jokes’

Chilly roses.

January 1, 2014

Tomorrow morning in Pasadena, forecasters are saying it might not quite make it to 60 degrees for the Rose Parade. And in most of the rest of the U.S., folks are thinking ‘Oh, STFU.”

 

In D-1 men’s basketballl, Southern University started with an 44-0 lead, and ending up beating Champion Baptist College 116-12. Down in the SEC, teams immediately started phoning Champion Baptist to see if they have a football team

 

Many NFL teams including the Packers have several thousand tickets available for their weekend playoff games. Wonder if the NFL would dare a playoff blackout?

 

 

Caroline Wozniacki and Rory McIlroy are engaged. Wishing them a happy marriage, but if not it could be a great experiment in genetic engineering.

 

 

So Johnny Manziel can end his college career on a high note. “F*ck yeah. All we needed was two interceptions in the 4th quarter to beat DUKE.?”

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Tim Tebow, signed as an ESPN college analyst, says he is still training five days a week and hopes to return to the NFL.  Seems as likely a chance as…

 

A..most SEC players graduating

B…the Redskins returning to relevance in the NFL

C. hell freezing over.

D. All of the above.

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Why you always want to run a few steps past the finish line. Peyton Manning broke Drew Brees’ single season passing record of 5476 yards Sunday by one yard. Then sat the rest of the game. Now it turns out that one pass may be rules a lateral, leaving him 6 yards short.

( NFL update from their official statistician, the Elias Sports Bureau  “the determination … is that the fairest resolution is for the ruling of the on-site stats crew to stand.”  Translation. “We screwed up, but hey, what’s a record that could have been broken later in the game, as opposed to officiating mistakes causing teams to miss the playoffs.”)

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Now a 2009 video has emerged of Phil Robertson saying you should marry girls “when they are about 15 or 16.” But “you need to check with mom and dad about that of course”. Ah, family values.

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First the security breach on credit cards, now apparently Target is reporting some shoppers are having problems using their gift cards. Beginning to think beyond discounting prices Target is using discounted computer programmers.

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On MSNBC, host Melissa Harris-Perry, who is African-American, is facing criticism and has apologized after she and other panelists joked about Mitt and Ann Romney’s Christmas card. The photo featured the Romney’s over 20 grandchildren including a recently-adopted African-American infant. Where are the “Duck Dynasty” supporters screaming about freedom of speech?

 

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And finally on a bipartisan note to friends and readers and those who are both.  “Happy New Year. May your troubles last as long as your New Year’s resolutions.”

 

Southern family values.

September 10, 2013

George Zimmerman was briefly taken into custody over an alleged incident involving his estranged wife and a gun.  So congratulations to all those who had September 9 in the pool.

 

North Carolina Police said an 11 year-old girl accidentally shot and killed her 19 (not a typo) year-old stepfather when he was showing her his new handgun. (Mom is 35)  The silver lining to this sad story, since he was her stepfather, the young man qualifies for a Darwin Award.,

 

My friend Chris Eisenberg wonders how the family with the 35 year-old mom and 11 year-old daughter who accidentally shot her 19-year-old stepfather doesn’t have a reality show. Actually, I think they might be working on one: “Here comes Honey Boom Boom.”

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It’s only week one but we know the NFL season is in full swing: Detroit Lions DT Ndamukong Suh is already looking at discipline from the NFL for an illegal hit against the Vikings.

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Anthony Weiner responded grumpily to a question about the whereabouts of his wife on the Today Show Monday saying, that his campaign “was always about me.” Uh, Mr. Danger, everything was always about you. Which is part of the problem.

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But what about feeding her family? A judge denied Jamie McCourt request to throw out their $131 million divorce settlement. The former L.A. Dodgers CEO believes her ex-husband Frank McCourt misled her about the value of the team, which he sold for $2 billion. A shame these two got divorced, they so richly deserve each other.

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The Arena football team LA KISS has offered Tim Tebow a 3 year QB contract. Not sure how it would work out on the field, but any poster featuring Tebow with Gene Simmons has best seller potential.

 

The Washington Redskins are 0-1  #IblameObama

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Chip Kelly’s Philadelphia Eagles made him a winner in his NFL coaching debut. Mostly surprising the East Coast media who figured that he’d only coached at Oregon, and thus had no experience with professional players.

 

 

A field goal with time expiring meant the Houston Texans won Tuesday Morning Football.

 

But really, what was it with this super late start time of the Texans-Chargers game.  It’s not like the NFL was competing tonight with real late night sports television – like a Yankees-Red Sox game.

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A face-saving way out… with no bombing? Reports are that Syria may now accept a proposal to put their weapons under international control.”  So do we blame Obama?

 

It may now be a non-issue if Assad accepts turning over control of his weapons, but the GOP is saying that President Obama won’t be able to get any legislation passed in his second term if the House turns down his request to authorize a strike on Syria. Really? As opposed to all the legislation they were going to pass if Syria never happened?

Making whoopie?

September 3, 2013

A British zoo has appointed one of their staff as a “birds and the bees” consultant, and is experimenting with warning signs that say “ANIMAL BABY MAKING ZONE.” Why do I think in much of the U.S. this would cause more outrage than designating a zoo an “open carry” zone?

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The Oakland Raiders named Terrelle Pryor as their starting QB. Another step in a 2013 season perhaps destined to lead to the REAL punishment for Johnny Manziel…. being drafted into Silver and Black?

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Our long national nightmare is over. Jon Stewart returns tonight. Not that John Oliver wasn’t good…. But who better to report on the clusterf*ck that is Syria?

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The Indianapolis Colts just waived rookie safety John Boyett from the University of Oregon following his arrest yesterday morning for disorderly conduct and resisting law enforcement. Boyett apparently told the cops “You can’t arrest me…I’m a Colts player.” Well, apparently it worked when he said “Ducks” in Eugene.

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California Governor Jerry Brown didn’t attend the opening of the Bay Bridge, which has been plagued by construction problems and alleged defects. Lt. Governor Gavin Newsom presided in his place. Have to wonder, was Brown thus worried or hoping there would be glitches?

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Kanye West is facing criticism for accepting $3 million to perform at a wedding hosted by Kazakhstan President Nursultan Nazarbayev, who has been accused of numerous human rights violations. But to be fair, West has to feed his family.

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Two men were arrested this weekend for breaking into Wrigley Field and allegedly attempting to steal ivy from the historic ballpark. Hmm, wonder what ballpark they were trying to take it to, and which team they were trying to jinx?

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Miley Cyrus said in an interview to the British “Sunday People”: “I have so many f***ing issues.” Really? How would the public ever know?

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New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft said today that he really wanted Tim Tebow to make the roster but it wasn’t his call.  Somewhere George Steinbrenner is rolling over in his grave.

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Will Durst kind of summed it up “It’s fun to watch the Republicans’ natural hatred of Obama run smack into their love of bombing the crap out of the Middle East.”

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So Clemson beat Georgia on college football’s opening weekend and jumped over Stanford to be #4 in the rankings, pushing the Cardinal down to #5. Now,  early rankings don’t matter, and Clemson is ACC anyway, but they are benefiting from the “rank all SEC teams high” strategy, so when they beat each other it counts more..

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With the NY Mayoral Primary only a week away,  Anthony Weiner has fallen from 26% in the polls to 7% as of Sept 3.  Meaning so long to easy pickings like “Weiner shrivels” jokes.

(on the other hand, does anyone really expect him to go away quietly?)

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In the America’s Cup, an international jury found Oracle Team USA guilty of cheating, fined them $250k, docked them two races in a best of 17 series, and dismissed three team members. Guess Johnny Manziel is thinking he’s glad he’s not a sailor.

Mixed messages

August 29, 2013

So the U.S. wants to send Syria a message but not do anything too serious that might start a war. Maybe we should turn the disciplinary action against Assad over to the NCAA?

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The NCAA thinks they have sent a message with their 30 minute suspension for Johnny Manziel. And they have – only accept payment in cash.

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A New Jersey appeals court just said that if you text someone you know is driving, you could be held liable if that driver causes a crash. The real winners in this decision? Lawyers.

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Tim Tebow had two touchdowns and one interception tonight in a preseason game for the New England Patriots. For anyone scoring at home that’s one more touchdown and two less interceptions than Geno Smith did for the NY Jets…..

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Kim Jong-Un reportedly had his ex-girlfriend executed by firing squad for making a sex tape. It would be really inappropriate to make a Kardashian joke here….

(And let me guess, Miley Cyrus won’t be performing in North Korea anytime soon.  Let’s hope a tape of the VMA’s doesn’t result in a missile strike….)

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Krispy Kreme Doughnuts stock price fell today after they reported good but disappointing second-quarter profits. Guess investors got a little overly excited about marijuana legalization laws.

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A new Rolling Stone article claims Bill Belichick threatened to cut Hernandez “after the 2013 season” if Aaron didn’t stop causing distractions. Well, that’s one thing off the Patriot coach’s “to-do” list.

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Sometimes it just isn’t your year. And sometimes it is. The SF Giants’ Madison Bumgarner hasn’t won in a month and is 11-9 with a 2.91 ERA. The Detroit Tigers Max Scherzer, with a 2.90 ERA, gave up 5 earned runs in 6 innings, but kept his 19-1 record when Detroit rallied for 4 in the bottom of the 9th.

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The Palazzo hotel in Las Vegas Strip is trying to evict “The Act” nightclub for shows it says are so raunchy that they violate obscenity laws. Well, this ought to assure standing room only crowds as long as the club lasts….

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Alabama QB AJ McCarron says he isn’t fixating on the Crimson Tide’s shot at a historic three-peat. That’s okay, the media is fixating enough on it for him.

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The NFL just reached a $765 million settlement with more than 4,500 former players with their concussion lawsuit. A lot of money, though after lawyer fees probably less than $100k a player. But the NFL had billion$ of rea$on$ to $ettle thi$ before the $ea$on started.

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Vanderbilt’s punter is studying to be an neurosurgeon. In the rest of the SEC, they’re thinking “big deal, we think our punters can probably spell neurosurgeon.”

From T.C.  “The NCAA has suspended QB Johnny Manziel for the 1st two quarters of Texas A & M’s season opener. This means he will be available for the entire first half to autograph your A&M souvenirs.”

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On ABC News George Zimmerman’s wife Shellie today said she has to ‘think about’ staying in her marriage. And if she doesn’t wonder how long Shellie will “think about” a book deal.

Color me anything but blue?

August 24, 2013

Urban Meyer has forbidden anyone – fans, media, NFL scouts -watching Ohio State football practices from wearing blue. Since blue is a Michigan color. Really, I’d have thought Meyer would worry more about people upsetting the team by wearing orange – the color of prison jumpsuits.

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A $1 million winning New York lottery ticket from August 2012, will expire today if not claimed. And many of us are still annoyed at our moms just for accidentally throwing away old baseball cards and comic books.

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Following up on that story of RGIII being fined for wearing an “Operation Patience” t-shirt in practice. Turns out the Redskins QB is a repeat offender; he was fined $10,000 for wearing Adidas clothing to a post-game news conference last December, and warned after the season opener for covering up the Nike swoosh on his warm-up shirt. The horror! How many offenses for a lifetime ban?

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Derek Jeter will rejoin the Yankees on Monday. The team will be thrilled to welcome him back, if for no other reason than a headline that doesn’t involve A-Rod.

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Geno Smith threw three interceptions today, Mark Sanchez might be injured. Well, Tim Tebow may be available.

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-Anthony Weiner was involved in a three carfender-bender this morning in New York. No injuries, and so far no word as to who might have been at fault. Not that we have any reason to suspect Weiner of doing anything risky with his phone.

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Todd Gloria, 35, will be the new acting mayor of San Diego. He is young, attractive, and gay. Could women feel any safer?

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In Slaughter, Louisiana, police said an 8-year-old boy intentionally shot and killed his 90 year old caregiver. The statement read ” Although a motive for the shooting is unknown at this time investigators have learned that the juvenile suspect was playing a video game, ‘Grand Theft Auto IV…” Got it, guns don’t kill people, video games kill people.

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A new study says that on average, single men only wash their bed sheets four times a year. Wonder how many of those single men polled responded “you wash sheets?”

 

-Perhaps I need a new contact lens prescription?  Saturday night I saw a 4 on the board in the #SFGiants column in the first inning.

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The AP reports that a South Brunswick, NJ man, Mario Scarnici, has come forward with one of the three winning tickets sold for the Aug. 7 Powerball drawing, and will net $62 million after taxes. They add “A telephone number for Scarnici could not be located Saturday afternoon.” Ya think?

Not just a river in Egypt

August 23, 2013

ESPN dropped out of its partnership with PBS on the documentary “League of Denial,” a investigation of NFL players’ head injuries. The network said the decision was not due to league pressure. What’s next, an ESPN statement that the NFL doesn’t have a steroid problem?

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Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer will retire next year. Or as the company might have put it “shutting down to avoid further damage to their computer business.”

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San Diego Mayor Bob Filner in his resignation speech said “I’ve never sexually harassed anyone.” He blamed “those of you in the media and politics who fed this hysteria… You have unleashed a monster… I think [we’ll] be paying for this affront to democracy for a long time.” Even A-Rod is thinking “Dude is in serious denial.”

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More from Bob Filner’s resignation speech, where he said San Diego “just faced a lynch mob.” And he said he was “trying to establish personal relationships” with women, “but the combination of awkwardness and hubris led to behavior that many found offensive.” Once again, empirical evidence on why we need more women in office.

 

Broadcaster Dave Flemming returned to the SF Giants broadcast booth Friday night  from the Little League World Series.  Big change. Good thing Dave’s a pro & can adjust to Giants’ lower level of play

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Vin Scully has announced he will return in 2014 for his 65th year with the Dodgers. 65 years! Wow. Does that mean he was a rookie announcer back in Jamie Moyer’s rookie year?

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Ben Affleck will be the new Batman. Can’t wait to hear him ask where to “pahk the Batmobile.”

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The NFL fined RG3 $10,000 for wearing an unauthorized t-shirt that said “Operation Patience” to practice before a preaseason game. Good to know the league is focused on what’s really important.

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The New England Patriots lost 40-9 to the Detroit Lions last night. Maybe it was just pre-season football. Or maybe God REALLY REALLY doesn’t like putting Tebow on the bench.

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One of those “the world is a comedy to those who think, and a tragedy to those who feel” moments: A GOP voter who believed Obama wasn’t a “natural born” citizen but still supported Ted Cruz told the Texas Tribune: “As far as I’m concerned, Canada is not really foreign soil.”

Testing, one, two, three….

August 22, 2013

Ryan Braun issued a statement acknowledging that he took PED’s in 2011, the year he won the NL MVP. “I’m shocked,” said at this point absolutely nobody.

Re #RyanBraun‘s apology for using steroids. Think I’ll actually believe the first guy who apologizes for using #PEDS BEFORE he gets caught.

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Really? Apparently in regards to an HGH testing agreement, Congress is threatening to get involved because the NFL and the NFL Players Association have gotten so little done. Pot meet kettle. Kettle, pot.

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80 GOP members of Congress urged Boehner to trigger a government shutdown rather than fund the implementation of “Obamacare.” Since they feel this way, I do hope the members are also voluntarily cancelling their own expensive government funded healthcare.

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Some Roman tourists were charged $130 for four coffees with liqueurs at a Venice cafe. Upon hearing the news, Starbucks instructed their lawyers to look into the costs of liquor licenses.

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You can’t make this “stuff” up: On Family Feud the question was “Name a state that ends with the letter “A.”  One contestant’s response:  “Arkansas.”

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FOX is going to charge $4 million for 30-second Super Bowl ads. Wow. That kind of $$ for a pay-to-play ratio is almost on the level of Simon Cowell’s future child support.

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Not saying the 2013 SF Giants are playing like they’ve checked out, but they’ve just been voted the favorite team of the National Librarians Association.

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#AaronHernandez was expected to be indicted for murder today. Quick, time for the #Patriots to release another #Tebow story.

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This item passed along by Ryan Duca. Apparently when Nationals manager Davey Johnson showed for a Washington radio show. the story came up about Boston Red Sox catcher Mike Napoli’s apparently dating an “adult film actress”/porn star. Johnson’s reply: “Well none of my guys could, ’cause we can’t score.”

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Bradley Manning is now referring to himself as Chelsea, and wants to begin hormone therapy right away in prison. Given the way he feels about the U.S. Government, however, I assume he is looking for private donations to pay for it?

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David Ortiz told a reporter than he disapproved of Ryan Dempster throwing at Alex Rodriguez. I’m sure the fact that Big Papi was named in the Mitchell Report as allegedly testing positive for steroids in 2003 had nothing to do with it….

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From T.C.  “Tiger Woods, complaining of a sore neck and back, did not play the back nine of his pro-am Wednesday in New Jersey because he said his mistress, I mean mattress, at the hotel was too soft.”

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And okay, for a serious end to this post, we’ve heard enough about the young black/biracial thugs in Oklahoma. How about these two black women? You go girls.

http://www.cnn.com/2013/08/22/us/georgia-school-shooting-911-reunion/index.html?hpt=hp_t1

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