Posted tagged ‘Tebow jokes’

Chilly roses.

January 1, 2014

Tomorrow morning in Pasadena, forecasters are saying it might not quite make it to 60 degrees for the Rose Parade. And in most of the rest of the U.S., folks are thinking ‘Oh, STFU.”

 

In D-1 men’s basketballl, Southern University started with an 44-0 lead, and ending up beating Champion Baptist College 116-12. Down in the SEC, teams immediately started phoning Champion Baptist to see if they have a football team

 

Many NFL teams including the Packers have several thousand tickets available for their weekend playoff games. Wonder if the NFL would dare a playoff blackout?

 

 

Caroline Wozniacki and Rory McIlroy are engaged. Wishing them a happy marriage, but if not it could be a great experiment in genetic engineering.

 

 

So Johnny Manziel can end his college career on a high note. “F*ck yeah. All we needed was two interceptions in the 4th quarter to beat DUKE.?”

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Tim Tebow, signed as an ESPN college analyst, says he is still training five days a week and hopes to return to the NFL.  Seems as likely a chance as…

 

A..most SEC players graduating

B…the Redskins returning to relevance in the NFL

C. hell freezing over.

D. All of the above.

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Why you always want to run a few steps past the finish line. Peyton Manning broke Drew Brees’ single season passing record of 5476 yards Sunday by one yard. Then sat the rest of the game. Now it turns out that one pass may be rules a lateral, leaving him 6 yards short.

( NFL update from their official statistician, the Elias Sports Bureau  “the determination … is that the fairest resolution is for the ruling of the on-site stats crew to stand.”  Translation. “We screwed up, but hey, what’s a record that could have been broken later in the game, as opposed to officiating mistakes causing teams to miss the playoffs.”)

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Now a 2009 video has emerged of Phil Robertson saying you should marry girls “when they are about 15 or 16.” But “you need to check with mom and dad about that of course”. Ah, family values.

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First the security breach on credit cards, now apparently Target is reporting some shoppers are having problems using their gift cards. Beginning to think beyond discounting prices Target is using discounted computer programmers.

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On MSNBC, host Melissa Harris-Perry, who is African-American, is facing criticism and has apologized after she and other panelists joked about Mitt and Ann Romney’s Christmas card. The photo featured the Romney’s over 20 grandchildren including a recently-adopted African-American infant. Where are the “Duck Dynasty” supporters screaming about freedom of speech?

 

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And finally on a bipartisan note to friends and readers and those who are both.  “Happy New Year. May your troubles last as long as your New Year’s resolutions.”

 

Southern family values.

September 10, 2013

George Zimmerman was briefly taken into custody over an alleged incident involving his estranged wife and a gun.  So congratulations to all those who had September 9 in the pool.

 

North Carolina Police said an 11 year-old girl accidentally shot and killed her 19 (not a typo) year-old stepfather when he was showing her his new handgun. (Mom is 35)  The silver lining to this sad story, since he was her stepfather, the young man qualifies for a Darwin Award.,

 

My friend Chris Eisenberg wonders how the family with the 35 year-old mom and 11 year-old daughter who accidentally shot her 19-year-old stepfather doesn’t have a reality show. Actually, I think they might be working on one: “Here comes Honey Boom Boom.”

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It’s only week one but we know the NFL season is in full swing: Detroit Lions DT Ndamukong Suh is already looking at discipline from the NFL for an illegal hit against the Vikings.

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Anthony Weiner responded grumpily to a question about the whereabouts of his wife on the Today Show Monday saying, that his campaign “was always about me.” Uh, Mr. Danger, everything was always about you. Which is part of the problem.

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But what about feeding her family? A judge denied Jamie McCourt request to throw out their $131 million divorce settlement. The former L.A. Dodgers CEO believes her ex-husband Frank McCourt misled her about the value of the team, which he sold for $2 billion. A shame these two got divorced, they so richly deserve each other.

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The Arena football team LA KISS has offered Tim Tebow a 3 year QB contract. Not sure how it would work out on the field, but any poster featuring Tebow with Gene Simmons has best seller potential.

 

The Washington Redskins are 0-1  #IblameObama

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Chip Kelly’s Philadelphia Eagles made him a winner in his NFL coaching debut. Mostly surprising the East Coast media who figured that he’d only coached at Oregon, and thus had no experience with professional players.

 

 

A field goal with time expiring meant the Houston Texans won Tuesday Morning Football.

 

But really, what was it with this super late start time of the Texans-Chargers game.  It’s not like the NFL was competing tonight with real late night sports television – like a Yankees-Red Sox game.

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A face-saving way out… with no bombing? Reports are that Syria may now accept a proposal to put their weapons under international control.”  So do we blame Obama?

 

It may now be a non-issue if Assad accepts turning over control of his weapons, but the GOP is saying that President Obama won’t be able to get any legislation passed in his second term if the House turns down his request to authorize a strike on Syria. Really? As opposed to all the legislation they were going to pass if Syria never happened?

Making whoopie?

September 3, 2013

A British zoo has appointed one of their staff as a “birds and the bees” consultant, and is experimenting with warning signs that say “ANIMAL BABY MAKING ZONE.” Why do I think in much of the U.S. this would cause more outrage than designating a zoo an “open carry” zone?

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The Oakland Raiders named Terrelle Pryor as their starting QB. Another step in a 2013 season perhaps destined to lead to the REAL punishment for Johnny Manziel…. being drafted into Silver and Black?

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Our long national nightmare is over. Jon Stewart returns tonight. Not that John Oliver wasn’t good…. But who better to report on the clusterf*ck that is Syria?

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The Indianapolis Colts just waived rookie safety John Boyett from the University of Oregon following his arrest yesterday morning for disorderly conduct and resisting law enforcement. Boyett apparently told the cops “You can’t arrest me…I’m a Colts player.” Well, apparently it worked when he said “Ducks” in Eugene.

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California Governor Jerry Brown didn’t attend the opening of the Bay Bridge, which has been plagued by construction problems and alleged defects. Lt. Governor Gavin Newsom presided in his place. Have to wonder, was Brown thus worried or hoping there would be glitches?

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Kanye West is facing criticism for accepting $3 million to perform at a wedding hosted by Kazakhstan President Nursultan Nazarbayev, who has been accused of numerous human rights violations. But to be fair, West has to feed his family.

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Two men were arrested this weekend for breaking into Wrigley Field and allegedly attempting to steal ivy from the historic ballpark. Hmm, wonder what ballpark they were trying to take it to, and which team they were trying to jinx?

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Miley Cyrus said in an interview to the British “Sunday People”: “I have so many f***ing issues.” Really? How would the public ever know?

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New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft said today that he really wanted Tim Tebow to make the roster but it wasn’t his call.  Somewhere George Steinbrenner is rolling over in his grave.

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Will Durst kind of summed it up “It’s fun to watch the Republicans’ natural hatred of Obama run smack into their love of bombing the crap out of the Middle East.”

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So Clemson beat Georgia on college football’s opening weekend and jumped over Stanford to be #4 in the rankings, pushing the Cardinal down to #5. Now,  early rankings don’t matter, and Clemson is ACC anyway, but they are benefiting from the “rank all SEC teams high” strategy, so when they beat each other it counts more..

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With the NY Mayoral Primary only a week away,  Anthony Weiner has fallen from 26% in the polls to 7% as of Sept 3.  Meaning so long to easy pickings like “Weiner shrivels” jokes.

(on the other hand, does anyone really expect him to go away quietly?)

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In the America’s Cup, an international jury found Oracle Team USA guilty of cheating, fined them $250k, docked them two races in a best of 17 series, and dismissed three team members. Guess Johnny Manziel is thinking he’s glad he’s not a sailor.

Mixed messages

August 29, 2013

So the U.S. wants to send Syria a message but not do anything too serious that might start a war. Maybe we should turn the disciplinary action against Assad over to the NCAA?

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The NCAA thinks they have sent a message with their 30 minute suspension for Johnny Manziel. And they have – only accept payment in cash.

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A New Jersey appeals court just said that if you text someone you know is driving, you could be held liable if that driver causes a crash. The real winners in this decision? Lawyers.

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Tim Tebow had two touchdowns and one interception tonight in a preseason game for the New England Patriots. For anyone scoring at home that’s one more touchdown and two less interceptions than Geno Smith did for the NY Jets…..

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Kim Jong-Un reportedly had his ex-girlfriend executed by firing squad for making a sex tape. It would be really inappropriate to make a Kardashian joke here….

(And let me guess, Miley Cyrus won’t be performing in North Korea anytime soon.  Let’s hope a tape of the VMA’s doesn’t result in a missile strike….)

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Krispy Kreme Doughnuts stock price fell today after they reported good but disappointing second-quarter profits. Guess investors got a little overly excited about marijuana legalization laws.

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A new Rolling Stone article claims Bill Belichick threatened to cut Hernandez “after the 2013 season” if Aaron didn’t stop causing distractions. Well, that’s one thing off the Patriot coach’s “to-do” list.

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Sometimes it just isn’t your year. And sometimes it is. The SF Giants’ Madison Bumgarner hasn’t won in a month and is 11-9 with a 2.91 ERA. The Detroit Tigers Max Scherzer, with a 2.90 ERA, gave up 5 earned runs in 6 innings, but kept his 19-1 record when Detroit rallied for 4 in the bottom of the 9th.

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The Palazzo hotel in Las Vegas Strip is trying to evict “The Act” nightclub for shows it says are so raunchy that they violate obscenity laws. Well, this ought to assure standing room only crowds as long as the club lasts….

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Alabama QB AJ McCarron says he isn’t fixating on the Crimson Tide’s shot at a historic three-peat. That’s okay, the media is fixating enough on it for him.

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The NFL just reached a $765 million settlement with more than 4,500 former players with their concussion lawsuit. A lot of money, though after lawyer fees probably less than $100k a player. But the NFL had billion$ of rea$on$ to $ettle thi$ before the $ea$on started.

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Vanderbilt’s punter is studying to be an neurosurgeon. In the rest of the SEC, they’re thinking “big deal, we think our punters can probably spell neurosurgeon.”

From T.C.  “The NCAA has suspended QB Johnny Manziel for the 1st two quarters of Texas A & M’s season opener. This means he will be available for the entire first half to autograph your A&M souvenirs.”

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On ABC News George Zimmerman’s wife Shellie today said she has to ‘think about’ staying in her marriage. And if she doesn’t wonder how long Shellie will “think about” a book deal.

Color me anything but blue?

August 24, 2013

Urban Meyer has forbidden anyone – fans, media, NFL scouts -watching Ohio State football practices from wearing blue. Since blue is a Michigan color. Really, I’d have thought Meyer would worry more about people upsetting the team by wearing orange – the color of prison jumpsuits.

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A $1 million winning New York lottery ticket from August 2012, will expire today if not claimed. And many of us are still annoyed at our moms just for accidentally throwing away old baseball cards and comic books.

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Following up on that story of RGIII being fined for wearing an “Operation Patience” t-shirt in practice. Turns out the Redskins QB is a repeat offender; he was fined $10,000 for wearing Adidas clothing to a post-game news conference last December, and warned after the season opener for covering up the Nike swoosh on his warm-up shirt. The horror! How many offenses for a lifetime ban?

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Derek Jeter will rejoin the Yankees on Monday. The team will be thrilled to welcome him back, if for no other reason than a headline that doesn’t involve A-Rod.

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Geno Smith threw three interceptions today, Mark Sanchez might be injured. Well, Tim Tebow may be available.

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-Anthony Weiner was involved in a three carfender-bender this morning in New York. No injuries, and so far no word as to who might have been at fault. Not that we have any reason to suspect Weiner of doing anything risky with his phone.

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Todd Gloria, 35, will be the new acting mayor of San Diego. He is young, attractive, and gay. Could women feel any safer?

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In Slaughter, Louisiana, police said an 8-year-old boy intentionally shot and killed his 90 year old caregiver. The statement read ” Although a motive for the shooting is unknown at this time investigators have learned that the juvenile suspect was playing a video game, ‘Grand Theft Auto IV…” Got it, guns don’t kill people, video games kill people.

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A new study says that on average, single men only wash their bed sheets four times a year. Wonder how many of those single men polled responded “you wash sheets?”

 

-Perhaps I need a new contact lens prescription?  Saturday night I saw a 4 on the board in the #SFGiants column in the first inning.

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The AP reports that a South Brunswick, NJ man, Mario Scarnici, has come forward with one of the three winning tickets sold for the Aug. 7 Powerball drawing, and will net $62 million after taxes. They add “A telephone number for Scarnici could not be located Saturday afternoon.” Ya think?

Not just a river in Egypt

August 23, 2013

ESPN dropped out of its partnership with PBS on the documentary “League of Denial,” a investigation of NFL players’ head injuries. The network said the decision was not due to league pressure. What’s next, an ESPN statement that the NFL doesn’t have a steroid problem?

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Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer will retire next year. Or as the company might have put it “shutting down to avoid further damage to their computer business.”

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San Diego Mayor Bob Filner in his resignation speech said “I’ve never sexually harassed anyone.” He blamed “those of you in the media and politics who fed this hysteria… You have unleashed a monster… I think [we’ll] be paying for this affront to democracy for a long time.” Even A-Rod is thinking “Dude is in serious denial.”

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More from Bob Filner’s resignation speech, where he said San Diego “just faced a lynch mob.” And he said he was “trying to establish personal relationships” with women, “but the combination of awkwardness and hubris led to behavior that many found offensive.” Once again, empirical evidence on why we need more women in office.

 

Broadcaster Dave Flemming returned to the SF Giants broadcast booth Friday night  from the Little League World Series.  Big change. Good thing Dave’s a pro & can adjust to Giants’ lower level of play

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Vin Scully has announced he will return in 2014 for his 65th year with the Dodgers. 65 years! Wow. Does that mean he was a rookie announcer back in Jamie Moyer’s rookie year?

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Ben Affleck will be the new Batman. Can’t wait to hear him ask where to “pahk the Batmobile.”

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The NFL fined RG3 $10,000 for wearing an unauthorized t-shirt that said “Operation Patience” to practice before a preaseason game. Good to know the league is focused on what’s really important.

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The New England Patriots lost 40-9 to the Detroit Lions last night. Maybe it was just pre-season football. Or maybe God REALLY REALLY doesn’t like putting Tebow on the bench.

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One of those “the world is a comedy to those who think, and a tragedy to those who feel” moments: A GOP voter who believed Obama wasn’t a “natural born” citizen but still supported Ted Cruz told the Texas Tribune: “As far as I’m concerned, Canada is not really foreign soil.”

Testing, one, two, three….

August 22, 2013

Ryan Braun issued a statement acknowledging that he took PED’s in 2011, the year he won the NL MVP. “I’m shocked,” said at this point absolutely nobody.

Re #RyanBraun‘s apology for using steroids. Think I’ll actually believe the first guy who apologizes for using #PEDS BEFORE he gets caught.

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Really? Apparently in regards to an HGH testing agreement, Congress is threatening to get involved because the NFL and the NFL Players Association have gotten so little done. Pot meet kettle. Kettle, pot.

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80 GOP members of Congress urged Boehner to trigger a government shutdown rather than fund the implementation of “Obamacare.” Since they feel this way, I do hope the members are also voluntarily cancelling their own expensive government funded healthcare.

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Some Roman tourists were charged $130 for four coffees with liqueurs at a Venice cafe. Upon hearing the news, Starbucks instructed their lawyers to look into the costs of liquor licenses.

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You can’t make this “stuff” up: On Family Feud the question was “Name a state that ends with the letter “A.”  One contestant’s response:  “Arkansas.”

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FOX is going to charge $4 million for 30-second Super Bowl ads. Wow. That kind of $$ for a pay-to-play ratio is almost on the level of Simon Cowell’s future child support.

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Not saying the 2013 SF Giants are playing like they’ve checked out, but they’ve just been voted the favorite team of the National Librarians Association.

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#AaronHernandez was expected to be indicted for murder today. Quick, time for the #Patriots to release another #Tebow story.

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This item passed along by Ryan Duca. Apparently when Nationals manager Davey Johnson showed for a Washington radio show. the story came up about Boston Red Sox catcher Mike Napoli’s apparently dating an “adult film actress”/porn star. Johnson’s reply: “Well none of my guys could, ’cause we can’t score.”

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Bradley Manning is now referring to himself as Chelsea, and wants to begin hormone therapy right away in prison. Given the way he feels about the U.S. Government, however, I assume he is looking for private donations to pay for it?

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David Ortiz told a reporter than he disapproved of Ryan Dempster throwing at Alex Rodriguez. I’m sure the fact that Big Papi was named in the Mitchell Report as allegedly testing positive for steroids in 2003 had nothing to do with it….

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From T.C.  “Tiger Woods, complaining of a sore neck and back, did not play the back nine of his pro-am Wednesday in New Jersey because he said his mistress, I mean mattress, at the hotel was too soft.”

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And okay, for a serious end to this post, we’ve heard enough about the young black/biracial thugs in Oklahoma. How about these two black women? You go girls.

http://www.cnn.com/2013/08/22/us/georgia-school-shooting-911-reunion/index.html?hpt=hp_t1

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Somethin’ always happens whenever we’re together…

August 21, 2013

David Cassidy has been arrested again for DUI, the second time in three years. Looks like the former Partridge Family star was been taking “C’mon, get happy” a little too literally.

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There’s now some buzz in the media over whether or not Tim Tebow will make New England’s final roster. The Patriots have to love this – finally some headlines that don’t involve a Brady injury or murder.

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Wow, just wow. A recent survey of Louisiana Republicans asked who was most to blame for the Government response to Katrina. 22% said George W. Bush. 29% said Barack Obama. (No joke. 44% weren’t sure.)

 

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A-Rod says he has told his legal team to shut down the rhetoric with MLB and the Yankees because he’s “just focusing on baseball, just baseball.” Translation: “My lawyers are actually making me look WORSE.”

 

Celebrity Cruise Lines has cancelled four Alaska cruises due to a problem with one of their ship’s motors  Carnival’s response “FINALLY, it’s not us.”

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Imitating the airlines?  Holland America Line is sending out revised invoices because they say “govt fees and taxes are subject to change” and the actual taxes and fees now exceed their estimates.  The increase $4.08 a person.  Probably cost more than that to send the invoice.

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A North Carolina man has been arrested for the third time for giving women unwanted backrubs. What’s his defense? That he someday wants to run for Mayor of San Diego?

 

No word from the NRA after the senseless shooting of a college baseball player in Oklahoma. Half expect someone to say this would not have happened if the young Australian man had been armed.

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Miguel Cabrera played today after appearing to have injured himself again in last night’s game. The Tigers’ star has been playing through a strained lower abdomen, injured hip and banged-up left leg. Gosh, can you imagine how Cabrera would hit if he were healthy?

 

 

So much success in sports is due to the luck of the draw on physical gifts. For the Little League World Series, add to that “the luck of the draw on reaching puberty.”

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Although prosecutors had asked for 60 years, Bradley Manning was sentenced to 35 years for leaking government secrets. After precisely the sort of “fair and open trial” Edward Snowden is in Russia trying to avoid.

 

Send in the clowns.

April 30, 2013

And so it begins. Tebow is gone but NY Jets GM John Idzik said today that all 5 remaining QBs will have a chance to compete to be the starter. If this keeps up, Barnum and Bailey’s will sue the Jets for unlawfully running a competing circus.-

 

From Lizz Winstead   “Dear Homophobic Male Athletes: Wake up. Where there are gay men, there are always a lot more women.”

Exactly. And they make great wingmen. And they’re the only teammates you can count on not to hit on your wife/girlfriend.

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Then this line from Ellen Degeneres:  “Good line from Ellen DeGeneres about NBA center Jason Collins: “It was especially hard for Jason to come out of the closet because he had to duck”
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Jason Collins’ former fiancee says she had no idea during their 8-year relationship that he was gay. Well, he might be a bit young for her, but Manti T’eo is available.
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From  reader Maaj.  ” Obama called Jason Collins “courageous” and Clinton called him a “good man,” while Kim Kardashian called him her “greatest challenge yet.”
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#WillieNelson is 80. So assume he is singing “To all the girls I loved before. Though I can’t remember who they are….”
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QB Geno Smith fired his agent Jeff Nalley after he wasn’t drafted in the first round. Guess Nalley didn’t show him the money.
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SF Giants come from behind 2-1 victory tonight. In about a third of the time the Oakland A’s took for their win last night.

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Bill O’Reilly said that Fox News “stands alone here in bringing skepticism to the president.” Jon Stewart has reportedly sent O’Reilly a package of Daily Show chopped liver.

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Mitt Romney gave a graduation speech at Southern Virginia University last weekend, and advised them to marry young and have “a quiver full of kids.” And presumably borrow money from your parents to help raise them?

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Paul Ryan says he has changed his mind after voting in 1999 for a same-sex couple adoption ban, and now says he thinks gay couples should be able to adopt children. Translation, Ryan can read the tea leaves and is running for President in 2016.

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Stanford QB Josh Nunes is retiring from football due to “pectoralis major tendon” injury when he accidentally dropped weights on his chest while doing bench presses. Over at the SF Giants, Jeremy Affeldt has been told to stay away from the weight room.

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Two days until the Run for the Roses. Otherwise known to most Americans as their only chance to down several mint juleps in a day.

If you are reading this.

December 21, 2012

The world hasn’t ended.  So you probably still have to go to work.

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And sorry Cubs fans, you’re going to be disappointed again next year.

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Facebook is testing an option where for $1 you can send a message to someone not on your network, and make sure it goes into their regular inbox. But no worries, those really annoying types many people try to avoid would never waste a whole dollar to reach someone.

I think both Democrats and Republicans can thank heaven this option is being tested after the Presidential election….

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Kim Kardashian is threatening to take her pictures off Instagram over their new photo-sharing policy. Finally, for the beleaguered company some good news….

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Peyton Manning led fan voting for the NFL Pro Bowl. Here’s an idea instead… how about letting Tim Tebow start at QB? It’s a meaningless game, he’s a fan favorite, and he’ll be rested and ready.

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NY Post headline “Tim Tebow’s love affair with the Jets is over.” Although fittingly for the avowed virgin quarterback, that affair was never really consummated.

 

 

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From T.C.   “Tim Tebow may be headed for the CFL next year. Wait til he finds out that it’s not The Christian Football League.”

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President Obama is Time Magazine’s “Person of the Year.” If Mitt Romney, despite all the positions he took, had won the election, would Time have had to name him “People of the Year?

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Okay, it’s not as good as Senator Stephen Colbert, but South Carolina could have the most entertaining politics in the nation. Former Gov. Mark Sanford is planning to run for the seat that Senate appointee Tim Scott is vacating . Amongst possible opponents? Jenny Sanford, his ex-wife.

 

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John Boehner scrapped “Plan B” because he couldn’t get enough GOP votes. Why do I have a feeling that if Congressional salaries stopped as soon the US got within 2 weeks of the “fiscal cliff” that the Speaker would have a compromise with President Obama by now?

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Sarah Palin, unhappy with Barack Obama being chosen “Person of the Year” said of Time Magazine “I think there’s some irrelevancy there to tell you the truth.” Well, if anyone knows irrelevancy….

 

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Quote of the day from Incoming Texas State Rep. Kyle Kacal: “I’ve heard of people being killed playing pingpong—pingpongs are more dangerous than guns…. Flat-screen TVs are injuring more kids today than anything.” It’s enough to make you long for the intellectual brilliance of Rick Perry.

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At what point does President Obama get annoyed enough to propose new taxes only on millionaires and orange people?

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You know your Senator is getting old when…. Dianne Feinstein’s daughter Katherine Feinstein, who has been a SF superior court judge, is retiring.

 

Goodness has nothing to do with it.

November 15, 2012

 

 

 

Actual kudos to Rex Ryan, after anonymous players on his team allegedly said Tim Tebow would be a terrible QB: “If you’re not going to put your name to it, I think that’s about as cowardly of a thing as there is.” And really, I mean it’s not as if the players already haven’t admitted they are members of the NY Jets.

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But really?  An ESPN report says than many players in the NY Jets locker room believe Tim Tebow is not very good. As opposed to millions of Jets fans who now have seen that Mark Sanchez is not very good.

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US Customs agents announced that last month they confiscated 537 cartons of knock-off handbags, belts and wallets at the Port of NY/NJ, with an estimated value – if authentic – of about $20 million. So much for small businesses on Canal Street. I blame Obama.

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The Phillies are rumored to be signing Josh Hamilton. Well, and what better fans to deal with a talented man with a very fragile psyche?

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Yikes. US women’s soccer goalie Hope Solo married former Seahawks tight end Jerramy Stevens yesterday, a day after he was released after a court appearance for alleged domestic violence. (No joke.) Anyone want to guess how long this marriage will last?

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Miami Marlins owner Jeffrey Loria was challenged on why he traded most of his stars so quickly after getting them in the first place. His response “We finished in last place. Figure it out.” And Cubs management said ‘You can do that?”

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Paula Broadwell, speaking about General Petraeus in July said “It was my responsibility not to leak, not to violate my mentor….” Guess she didn’t feel it was her responsibility not to have her mentor violate her?

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Senator John McCain, usually outspoken on national security issues, has been very quiet on the General Petraeus situation. Don’t suppose it has anything to do with the fact that McCain started dating Cindy when he was still married to wife #1?

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So Nancy Pelosi is staying on as House Minority Leader. This is good news both for a lot of Democrats, and Republican fundraisers.

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United Airlines is now offering their First Class international passengers turn-down service. For coach passengers, they are thinking of adding a surcharge to dim the lights at night after takeoff.

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Charles Barkley said of Warriors center Andrew Bogut, “I don’t think he can ever play again.” Well, wouldn’t that be a shocker to anyone who knows Golden State’s history with draft picks and trades.

The Blame Game.

August 19, 2012

Both Mark Sanchez and Tim Tebow struggled at QB against in a pre-season game for the NY Jets against the NY Giants. “Bummer. But I’m available.” responded Brett Favre.

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Paul Ryan just blamed President Obama for a Wisconsin GM plant closure that happened BEFORE he took office. Can’t wait until Ryan heads south and blames Obama for the federal response to Katrina.

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IKEA is opening a new hotel chain. Kind of puts a whole new slant on making your own bed.

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Police say a man was shot in the head during a fight in a parking lot near the Arizona Cardinals’ stadium while the Cardinals played the Raiders. Looks alas like even during exhibition games some fans are in mid-season form.

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A United Airlines flight to Berlin returned to Newark,  after a possible engine fire during takeoff. Hope the airline credits passengers with the extra frequent flyer miles.

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From Marc Ragovin:   Hall of Famer Eddie Murray has agreed to pay $348,000 to settle insider trading chrages.  Makes sense, since he is the all-time MLB leader in foul tips.

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The Little League World Series is fun. But anyone who says it’s just about innocence and the joy of the game, has never been through the politics of All-Star team selections. (As a player or parent.)

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Does anyone else with a twisted mind want to see Mitt Romney answer a question on what he thinks of Pussy Riot?

 

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A 28 year old Texas high-school teacher was convicted on 16 FELONY counts of “an inappropriate relationship between a student and teacher” after a cellphone video showed her having group sex with five 18-year-old students. Most men hearing this story were appalled – “Where were these teachers when I was in high school?”

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18 runs in two games – more than an average YEAR for the SF Giants at Petco Park. Maybe getting a star teammate suspended was what the team needed for a natural PED.

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Danica Patrick ran over a shoe that ended up on the track in Montreal, and before ESPN thought to bleep it out,  radioed her crew about the resulting damage to the car – “My steering is [bleeped] up.”

ESPN apologized, but hey, a few more of those moments might really increase NASCAR ratings.  Especially with the all important younger male demographic.

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Got to love USC #1 in the AP poll in their first year back from sanctions.  Aided by a top RB transfer from Penn State.

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Okay men, laugh away. But I have fought the Ikea nightstand assembly manual, and won.

A New York state of mind.

March 27, 2012

With the ebb and flow of Lin-sanity and now the Tebow-Sanchez potential made-for-TV drama, there’s good news for some New York fans. For at least some of this spring, the biggest circus in New York may not involve the Mets.

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After watching the Tim Tebow press conference: Have to wonder – the over-under on how many bad Mark Sanchez quarters/games it will take to have fans start screaming “Tebow, Tebow?”

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The U.S. men’s soccer U-23 team officially failed to qualify for the Olympics tonight. Thereby depriving Americans of a chance to scream “USA! USA” again this summer for a sport most otherwise don’t care about.

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Dominque Strauss-Kahn has been charged with involvement in a French prostitution ring. His lawyer denies wrongdoing and added that it is wrong to prosecute Strauss-Kahn for “simple libertine activity.” Responded Bill Clinton “Yeah, what he said.”

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Actual fight at end of Baylor-Tennessee women’s basketball game. Wow, if this sort of thing keeps up ratings may skyrocket.

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Bus to hell time. Bobby Brown has been arrested again, this time for alleged DUI’s. Many of Whitney Houston’s friends and relatives are just telling him it’s time to relax with a nice long bath.

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Some are now circulating a story that Trayvon Martin was the one who first attacked George Zimmerman. Not sure we will ever know exactly what transpired between the two of them, but one thing is certain – had Zimmerman just listened to the police dispatcher who told him not to follow Martin, none of this would have happened.

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Since it’s been three plus weeks since they merged with Continental, United Airlines has given up on saying “we’ve been experiencing high call volumes for several days.” Now their message to VIP flyers just says “We’re still experiencing high call volumes. If your call can wait please try back later.” Presumably like in 2013?

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Rick Santorum told a reporter yesterday ““Quit distorting my words It’s bullsh*t.” Now really, is that appropriate language for a potential president? Maybe Santorum really is running for V.P.?

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Jamie Moyer, 49, pitched four perfect innings against the San Francisco Giants in a spring training game this weekend. Which probably means either that Moyer is still a big league pitcher, that the Giants are still not big league hitters.

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Great line from Jim Caple at ESPN.com about Jamie Moyer trying to pitch this year in the big leagues at 49. “The scouts no longer point the radar gun at you, they just count “One Mississippi, Two Mississippi.”
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Rick Santorum – “If you haven’t cursed out a NY Times reporter during the course of a campaign, you’re not really a real Republican.” Does that mean President Obama’s not a real Democrat because he hasn’t sworn at someone from Fox News?

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Ah politics… So when Obamacare was introduced, Republicans said it was a tax, Democrats said it wasn’t. Now, the govt says the mandate is at least allowable under Congress’ power to tax. And the GOP says it is not a tax…

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NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell believes that the New Orleans Saints were the only team with a bounty program. Makes sense, just like Bud Selig acted like Barry Bonds was the only star steroid user in baseball.
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The Colts, still apparently undecided about their #1 pick, will fly Andrew Luck to Indianapolis for a private workout. Even Brett Favre is saying “Dudes, make up your minds.”

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Jimmy Carter has finally left the Southern Baptist Church, saying “The truth is that male religious leaders had – & still have — an option to interpret holy teachings either to exalt or subjugate women. They have, for their own selfish ends, overwhelmingly chosen the latter. Their continuing choice provides the foundation or justification for much of the pervasive persecution and abuse of womenthroughout the world.” You go, guy!

Tebow or not Tebow. That is the question.

March 24, 2012

Mitt Romney’s definitely done some job creation this week. At Ohio Art. They make Etch A Sketch.

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Drew Stanton, the New York Jets previously expected backup QB, has apparently asked to be traded or released. I think that has been arranged.

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I can see it now when Tebow arrives in the Jets locker room. Rex Ryan “So Tim, tell me again about Jesus and that foot washing stuff.”

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from Bill Littlejohn: “It was strange to see John Elway standing next to his QB and not having to smile through clenched teeth.”

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The most disappointed fans with Bountygate have to be in Washington. Had it only been the Redskins found guilty instead of the Saints, maybe Goodell would have suspended Dan Snyder.

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Today’s example of how if aliens land they will conclude there is no intelligent life on this planet: http://now.msn.com/now/0322-romney-vs-birthers.aspx

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Rick Santorum, talking about his opposition: “If they’re going to be a little different, we might as well stay with what we have instead of taking a risk of what may be the Etch A Sketch candidate for the future.” When this campaign is over, Santorum may have a job waiting for him – on the Committee to Re-Elect the President.

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Newt Gingrich, on why he is still running -””I’m staying in the race because I believe we ought to have a conservative who’s serious, who’s had national achievements and who doesn’t write his policy on an Etch A Sketch and zig-zag back and forth wildly.” Maybe so, but the GOP is still looking for that candidate.

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Pat Robertson on football:”Peyton Manning was a tremendous MVP QB, but he’s been injured. If that injury comes back, Denver will find itself without a quarterback — and in my opinion, it would serve them right.” “From your lips to God’s ear” responded other AFC West fans.

(Have to wonder why Robertson is so upset about the trade. Is he a Broncos fan or a Jets fan?)

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The Milwaukee Brewers have announced they will dedicate a statue of Bob Uecker on August 31. The statue will presumably be placed “just a bit outside” Miller Park.

Boys will be boys. (And girls will try to be boys?).

March 20, 2012

The #3 seeded Miami Hurricanes’ women’s basketball team has suspended star senior guard Riquna Williams, for “conduct detrimental to the team.” Who said women’s basketball would never catch up to the men’s game?

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Meanwhile, in an overtime thriller, the Stanford men’s basketball team knocked off Illinois State to advance to the Sweet 16 of the NIT….. Yeah, okay, winning is great. But Sweet 16 of the NIT? Isn’t that an accomplishment on par with making it through the first round of the Bachelor. Or winning a straw poll in this year’s GOP primary?

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Peyton to the Broncos. Alex Smith talking to Miami. That might leave for S.F…. Tim Tebow To paraphrase an old joke, he could have 60,000 fans on their feet yelling “Jesus Christ.”

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Got email invite to follow John Kerry on Twitter, where the email adds “And hey, it’s a rare chance to see a United States Senator struggle to express thoughts in 140 characters or less!.” Well, it’s a safe bet we won’t be asked to follow Joe Biden.

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Yet another reason why those of us with XX chromosomes adore George Clooney. He had one phone call from jail, and when asked who he called, George replied “My mother. Some things never change.”

The Mets, facing a lawsuit demanding up to $1 billion, settled with the Madoff Madoff for $162M. $162 million? Why for the Yankees that’s a couple long-relievers and a utility infielder.

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Today in Illinois Rick Santorum said the issue in the presidential race is not the economy but an “oppressive government that’s taking away people’s freedom.” (Presumably he forgot to add, unless you are gay or a woman.)

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Spurned by Matt Flynn, Peyton Manning and maybe even Alex Smith, Miami has signed …. David Garrard. So this fall Dolphins fans can look forward to watchng Garrard make his debut at Chopped Liver Stadium.

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The Walt Disney Co. now says they will lose $200 million on “John Carter.” Wow. Does that mean there will be a movie-themed ride at Epcot?

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So does Peyton Manning’s decision mean the Broncos are the favorites to win the AFC, by a neck?

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New Orleans police have filed felony charges against Russell Brand for smashing a photographer’s iPhone last week. Brand says he intends to fight the charges. Wonder if prosecutors might accept a plea bargain if Brand promises to do the same thing in a few movie theaters and restaurants.

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A new bill in Tennessee would require the state to publish the names of each doctor who performs an abortion and the age, race, county, marital status, education level, # of children, and location of the woman having the procedure. Where’s the bill requiring similar information about men being treated for STDs?

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Headline about Demi Moore’s soon-to-be-ex signing up for Richard Branson’s Virgin Galactic flights -””Ashton Kutcher heading into space.”

Uh, isn’t he already there?

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From catfish to grits to pancakes……Mitt Romney today stopped in a popular Illinois diner today, saying “I need only one thing from you this morning — no two,” Romney said. “#1, I need some pancakes, and #2, I need you to go vote” Anyone but me hoping someone in Louisiana might offer him a Hurricane without saying what’s in it?

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Quote from Joe Biden. And okay, this had to be his speechwriters because it’s so succinct. But a great Obama reelection bumper sticker nonetheless: “Osama Bin Laden is dead and General Motors is alive. Think about it.”

Well, at least Tebow…

January 15, 2012

Now has plenty of time to go to church on Sundays.

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The Saints lost in a thriller, Tebow and the Broncos got pounded. Maybe God decided to watch the NBA instead this weekend.

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Quote before yesterday’s 49ers-Saints playoff game, from Tara VanDerveer via Scott Ostler “All the great ones have a screw loose.” (This actually may describe both Harbaugh and Payton.)

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Texas Gov. Rick Perry and Newt Gingrich are appealing not being on the Virginia ballot after both of them failed to get enough signatures to qualify. My thought, if you’re not smart enough to count the right number of signatures, you aren’t nearly smart enough to run for President.

Vice President, maybe.

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A $170 million failed Russian space probe will fall down to earth today, only about 2 months after it was launched towards a moon of Mars. Could be the most expensive crash landing since Rick Perry’s presidential campaign.

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John Bolton said that President Obama shouldn’t take credit for getting Bin Laden, saying “It’s because Navy Seal Team 6 killed Osama… It happened to occur during his presidency.” Ah, I get it, since he took office Obama is only responsible for everything bad that has happened.

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Congrats to Jim Harbaugh for his gutsy call to throw for a game-winning touchdown last night. David Shaw would have gone for the tying field goal. (No, Stanford fans aren’t still bitter….Right.)

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Not sure about the timing of this Alvin and the Chipmunks, Chipwrecked movie, with the Costa Concordia’s story. On the other hand some might think the only silver lining of a ship’s sinking might be potentially drowned Chipmunks.

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More bad timing, while the capsized Costa cruise ship makes headlines, another major European headline is “More than 4,000 people in Belfast are vying to land one of 70 front of house staff jobs in the world’s largest Titanic visitor attraction.”

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Open note to all Americans who take cruises to Mexico but are too scared to get off their cruise ships in port over exaggerated crime reports – the Carnival Splendor, the biggest ship sailing that route, is or rather was a sister ship to the Costa Concordia.

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Another thought for cruise passengers – We may have seen the end of increasingly lax cruise lifeboat drills.

Scavenger hunting.

January 12, 2012

Mitt Romney is denying allegations that he is a “vulture capitalist.” He has a point, vultures only take as much as they need to survive.

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Manny Ramirez says if some MLB team gives him another chance he could be a role model. Uh, hasn’t Manny already been a role model. As in “No matter how much God-given talent you have, if you’re lazy or a cheat you can f*ck it up.”

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Glenn Beck threw out his back by bending over a coffee table. Beck will be back on air as soon as he can figure out how to blame this on President Obama.

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Apparently while Governor of Massachusetts, Mitt Romney pushed for science to be included in the state’s testing system. If this leaks out Romney may lose his lead in the GOP primary.

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The media are making much of a new poll saying Tim Tebow is America’s favorite athlete. But to achieve that status, Tebow was chosen by 3.0% (yes three percent) of those polled. To put that in perspect, Newt Gingrich got 9.0% in New Hampshire.

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Flip Saunders, head coach of the Washington Wizards, says that he thinks his young star John Wall picked up “too many bad habits” while playing in the summer league. What, as opposed to the bad habits Wall has picked up playing for the woeful Wizards?

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A new study published on the Public Library of Science says men and women are “basically different species.” In other equally shocking news, Tim Tebow just might be very thankful to his “Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.”

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The Federal Reserve just announced that the final weeks of 2011 were the economy’s strongest. This is good news for anyone who isn’t running for the GOP Presidential nomination.

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SI.com has come out with their Top 20 college football rankings. For NEXT season. Shockingly an SEC team – LSU – is ranked #1. But USC is second, Oregon is third. (Stanford is #20.) Gentlemen, start your bowl lobbying.

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Hostess Brands, the makers of Twinkies, has declared bankruptcy for the second time in ten years. There are rumors the company may be forced to liquidate. Although the Twinkies they have produced should survive for at least another decade.

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ESPN reports Penn State University president Rodney Erickson will be talking to alums today in Pittsburgh, “some of whom aren’t happy about the way the school handled” the Sandusky scandal, the firing of Paterno, etc…. “Some?” Really? Find me ONE alum who thinks the school did a good job.
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Is this an omen? Tim Tebow and the Broncos are taking on the New England Patriots this Saturday night. For competing programming ABC is airing “Wipeout.”

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A L.A. County sheriff’s deputy has been arrested and charged with smuggling drugs into jail inside a burrito. Now there’s a concept, marijuana filled burritos – it’s one way to get buyers hungry enough to finish a whole one.

If you are reading this and like sports humor especially, highly recommend Dwight Perry’s “Sideline Chatter” in the Seattle Times. (In this column from Wednesday he took one of my jokes too.)

http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/sidelinechatter/2017205546_chat11.html#.Tw6RugcUYHM.facebook

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Another night, another California overtime loss for Miami. The Heat lost 95 to 89 to the Clippers after Miami shot 20 of 34 from the free throw line. (.588.) “C’mon guys, it’s not that hard.” – commented Shaquille O’Neal.

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Boring Contrived System.

January 10, 2012

Okay, I apologize in advance for this first joke.

If only Hurricane Katrina had made as little forward progress in New Orleans as LSU’s offense.

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But really? Best two teams in the country? For most of the game both LSU and Alabama didn’t even look like the best teams in the SEC.

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Open note to BCS apologists – both of you. So LSU and Alabama had the best records by some determined strength of schedule and only one game was needed. By that token we should have eliminated the wild card games NFL games last weekend and the next two weeks – Just go directly to a Packers-Patriots Super Bowl after a month off.

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For the very casual football fan in Louisiana. Yes, the Saints and LSU play the same game. It just doesn’t look like it.

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Most embarrassing night for LSU where arrests were not involved.

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Question I would like to have seen asked by a sideline reporter to any of tonight’s players. “So, after this is all over, are you looking forward to getting back to classes?”

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Jerry Perisho’s great pre-game comment: “Monday night, it’s LSU versus Alabama in the OMG It’s Finally About To Be Done Bowl.”

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Whatever you think of Pac 12 football, does anyone think that Andrew Luck and the Stanford offense against Alabama wouldn’t have least been able to end up in the same zip code as the end zone?

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For anyone who wondered, is this the best matchup college football can do? The South may not have won the Civil War but they sure won with the BCS process.

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Battle cry of the unfortunate LSU offense tonight: “Occupy Alabama territory.” (In retrospect, the defenders of the Alamo looked less out-manned.)

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After switching over to “the Bachelor, must say, many of the women definitely look more aggressive tonight than the LSU offense.

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Todd Palin endorsed Newt Gingrich for President. This is a surprise to many people who didn’t realize Todd knew who was running.

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Apparently on the latest episode of the Kardashian reality show (isn’t that an oxymoron?), Kim complains: ” Sometimes I wish I’d have just one day of peace.” This will happen only when the Kardashians figure out how to make a profit on “one day of peace.”

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Tim Tebow gets a contract bonus of $250,000 for his playoff win. Another reason many men don’t like the guy, he probably won’t spend any of that money on beer and women.

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Okay this shouldn’t be funny, but. There is a story today about a leopard killing a man in a city in eastern India. According to the AP the victim was a 50-year-old lawyer who was outside talking on his cellphone.

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They’ve starting voted in New Hampshire. Mitt Romney looks likely to win. But his voters appear as enthusiastic as most people do about choosing to spend holidays with their in-laws.

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A alleged wannabe suicide bomber was arrested in Tampa over the weekend. The man apparently never got close to actually carrying out his plot. But wonder if local law enforcement and the FBI didn’t think about letting him have a go at an otherwise empty Tropicana Field.

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Big news in the White House, Bill Daley leaving his position to head back to Chicago. The big news. When anyone in politics from Chicago leaves a position without the police being involved.

Oh, father….

January 5, 2012

Los Angeles archdiocese auxiliary bishop Gabino Zavala has resigned after admitting he fathered 2 children. On a brighter note for the church, at least this means he was having sex with an adult woman.

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Michele Bachmann said she is ending her campaign for President. Not sure who is more upset, her hundreds of hard-core supporters, or the nation’s comedy writers.

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Although Michele Bachman dropped out of the GOP presidential race, she also said “”There are many more chapters to be written.” You know what that means…. yet another failed-candidate book deal.

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Iowa caucuses are not a punch a ballot kind of thing. You have to go in, listen to speeches, talk to people, etc. It can take hours. Yet 58 people in the Iowa caucuses voted for Herman Cain. Did they think they were getting a free pizza or somethng?

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The San Diego Chargers are sticking with coach Norv Turner. This is great news, for the rest of the AFC West.

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In Sonoma County, California, two CHP air officers just arrested a pilot of a single-engine plane for allegedly flying while intoxicated. In the man’s defense, he said he was training to be a commercial pilot for Delta Airlines.

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Why computer programmers should take basic geography. Checking on the Starwood website for a hotel for a client in Princeville, Kauai. The first result? The Sheraton Waikiki, 21.87 miles away. At least the site didn’t give drive time.

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Despite the results in Iowa, Rick Perry is moving ahead to South Carolina. Should we be shocked? We all know how good the Texas Governor is at math.

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Michele Bachmann said her husband Marcus spent the last day of the campaign in Iowa “buying doggie sunglasses for our dog Boomer.” Can’t imagine how those gay rumors got started.

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Rick Santorum is now calling Mitt Romney a “bland, boring career politician.” Not true, Mitt hasn’t been in office since 2006. He’s more of a “bland, boring career candidate.”

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Barack Obama today sidestepped the Senate confirmation process by using a recess appointment to make Richard Cordray the first director of the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau. And the GOP is angry. Very angry. Gosh, does that mean Republicans in Congress might start not working with the President?

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ESPN cameras caught Stanford kicker Jordan Williamson praying on the sidelines before missing a potential game-winning kick in the Fiesta Bowl. Feel sorry for the kid but maybe he’s been too caught up in his studies and bowl preparation to have noticed – lately prayer hasn’t been working out too well on the field for Tim Tebow

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From T.C. Stanford’s place kicker would be a star punter. All his kicks seem to be locked on “left coffin corner”

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Meanwhile, Michigan’s Brendan Gibbons, who was 1 for 5 last year, won the Sugar Bowl for the Wolverines with a 37-yard field goal in overtime. He claimed he made the kick by thinking about “brunette girls.”

“Brunette girls,” huh. Does that mean Stanford’s kicker was thinking about blond girls?

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In the Orange Bowl, West Virginia beat Clemson 70-33. Well, that’s one way not to stress out your place kicker – don’t even ask him to attempt a field goal. (But give Tyler Bitancurt credit, he was 10 for 10 on extra points.)

Riddle me this…

January 1, 2012

Why do Dallas Cowboys fans have the biggest flat screen televisions?

Because for years they haven’t had to waste money on playoff tickets.

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And yes, for the third time in four years, the Dallas Cowboys will not be in the playoffs. No punchline, I just like writing this.

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Newt Gingrich is now blaming his fall in the Iowa polls on being “Romney-boated.” After blaming his failure to get enough signatures to be on the Virginia ballot on a staffer’s fraud. If this GOP nomination thing doesn’t work out, Gingrich has a great chance of being hired to lobby for the California Whine Industry.

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Contrary to popular belief God did not desert Tebow today. He just watched the Raiders play defense and decided to save His energy for a day Tim actually needed His help.

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Rick Santorum, who is criticizing Romney in his TV ads for being too liberal, endorsed Mitt in the 2008 GOP presidential primaries as the “clear conservative candidate.” Who knew – Romney’s flip-flopping is turning out to be contagious.

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How can Aaron Rodgers hope to win the MVP when he may not even be the best QB on his own team?

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Newt Gingrich said Mitt Romney would buy the presidency if he could. And Mitt allegedly tried to bet him $10,000 that wasn’t true.

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Okay, you know your team doesn’t have much of a football reputation when…. Overhead at San Francisco Airport, which is full of people in red – one pilot telling another “So much red, must be a lot of Wisconsin Rose Bowl fans.” Not exactly. Go Stanford Cardinal!

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Locals in the Phoenix area seem very supportive of Stanford. But makes sense Cardinal/Cardinals, whatever…. they’re just pleased to see a team in red actually playing in the postseason.

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Lebron James is engaged to his longtime girlfriend, Savannah Brinson, after proposing last night. Well, at least one of them now has a ring.

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In Coventry, England, a display model of Apple’s Siri apparently told a child to “Shut the f*ck up” Many frequent travelers heard this story and hoped that’s what happens when you put the phone in airplane mode.


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