Posted tagged ‘Super Bowl Jokes’

Cold comfort?

May 20, 2014

The NFL has awarded the 2018 Super Bowl to… Minneapolis. For all those who thought spending the first week in February in New York wasn’t cold enough.

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Jon Bon Jovi is apparently part of a group that wants to buy the Buffalo Bills. Well, if any franchise knows about “Livin’ on a Prayer.”

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California golfer Lucy Li, 11, has qualified for the U.S. Women’s Open. Quite an achievement. It gives all those Chinese women gymnasts a goal to shoot for when they grow up.

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Swiss bank Credit Suisse has pleaded guilty to running “an illegal cross-border banking business” to help thousands of Americans conceal their income from the IRS. The bank will pay a $2.6 billion fine, but will not have to provide names of their U.S. clients who they helped cheat on taxes. So wonder how many of those clients will be subsidizing the “settlement” with a silence fee?

 

Halle Berry on “Ellen” today talking about getting pregnant at 47, which is considered a “geriatric pregnancy.” If Berry thinks it was a “geriatric” pregnancy, wait until she gets to applying for Medicare at the same time her son is applying to college.

 

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Judge just declared PA’s #gaymarriage ban unconstitutional. Will last state to keep gay marriage banned please keep the lights turned off?

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Cleveland has the top NBA lottery pick for the second straight years. Who says the Cavaliers will never win anything?

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As far as Cleveland getting the top pick in 2015?  Probably at least as good a chance as a Miami Heat “three-peat”

 

NBA playoffs are down to San Antonio, Indianapolis, Oklahoma City and Miami. Three team from cities most Americans can’t find on a map and one they can’t stand.

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A 19 year old Texas man in facing five years to life in prison for allegedly baking and selling pot brownies made with hash oil. If he’d only shot and killed someone he’d be facing 10 years max.

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At Allen High School, near Dallas, they will have to close their new $60 million new football stadium this fall due to cracking concrete. This is the biggest disappointment in North Texas since the Cowboys.

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On a brighter note, the stadium is a $48 million cheaper disappointment than Tony Romo.

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The NY Racing Stewards have approved California Chrome to race with a nasal strip. If he wins will Roger Goodell add nasal strips to the NFL’s list of banned performance enhancers?

 

Congrats to Meryl Davis, who with her partner won Dancing with the Stars tonight. With that kind of dancing talent maybe she could do something big on an international stage…. .Oops, never mind.

Consistency …..

February 5, 2014

Consistency… is the hobgoblin of little basketball teams?  A random thought as the Lakers have lost  seven straight…..

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A GOP Congressional candidate in Montana says he was just joking when he called Hillary Clinton the “anti-Christ” at a recent campaign event. Well of course, conservatives know the real “anti-Christ” is Obama.

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The Oakland Raiders are 75-1 odds to be next year’s Super Bowl Champions. 75-1? So who knew the bookmakers in Las Vegas are optimistic Raiders fans.

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Sammisano Joshua Talai Otuhiva, born in SF last August and weighing 16 lb 7 oz, has just officially been named the biggest baby ever born in California. No doubt he will soon be offered a full scholarship from Les Miles at LSU.

 

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So now that we’ve survived Super Bowl 48 and all the transit issues, we can look ahead two years to Super Bowl 50. Where all the hotels are in San Francisco and the stadium is 45 miles away in Santa Clara. Nothing can possibly go wrong here.

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After Joe Namath eventually got the coin flipped correctly and it landed on tails, this means heads and tails are exactly even in Super Bowl coin flips – 24 to 24. And if you already knew this you probably spend WAY too much time on prop bets.

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Vladimir Putin posed with a leopard cub at a preserve near Sochi, saying Russia “decided to restore the population of the Persian leopard because of the Olympic Games, “Let’s say that because of the Olympic Games, we have restored parts of the destroyed nature.” Right, at the same time Putin ordered thousands of Sochi stray dogs to be killed before the Games start.

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But you have to give it to Putin. Who else could come up with a city in Russia that needs to have man-made snow in winter?:

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Proponents of medical marijuana planned to put billboards near the Super Bowl. Presumably the boards will be up tomorrow.

 

NY police apparently have arrested 4 people allegedly connected to the drugs found in Philip Seymour Hoffman’s apartment. Which is good I guess. But have to wonder, how many more dead addicts have these people been “connected to” who weren’t famous?

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And on a lighter note, forwarded by my friend Scot H.

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Mourning after?

February 3, 2014

Apparently 6% of Americans take the day off after the Super Bowl. So the Denver Broncos were just 24 hours ahead of their time.

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Super Bowl XLVIII is over.  On what channel does the Super Bowl XLIX pre-game show starts today.

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All these people freaking out about the multilingual Coke ad should be thanking their lucky stars there are still American products the rest of the world loves.

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Alexander Bradley, linked to a unsolved 2012 double homicide with Aaron Hernandez, accused Herandez of shooting him during an argument last year. And last night Bradley was shot again, this time outside a Hartford nightclub, where he then allegedly opened fire. Not sure, but this man might want to rethink his associates.

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Yesterday’s Super Bowl set a record for the most-watched television event in U.S. history, drawing 111.5 million viewers. Well, Americans do love a good train wreck.

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Maybe we should have known from the opening snap that “Over their heads” would be the Broncos theme for the Super Bowl. #SB48

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In Florida, a middle school teacher who was accused of up to class drunk is blaming it on diabetes. And Toronto mayor Rob Ford is going “why didn’t I think of that?”

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Oklahoma State freshman guard Stevie Clark was dismissed from the team following after he followed a Jan 1 arrest for marijuana possession with an arrest yesterday for”outraging public decency.” Guess this puts Clark in the category of “One-half and done?”

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FOX’s Greta Van Susteren criticized her own network’s pre-Super Bowl Presidential interview: “With all the ‘stuff’ that goes on in the world, I want a few minutes off….I want something light…something maybe just about sports.” I don’t know, seems like Obama was more competitive against O’Reilly than the Broncos turned out to be against the Seahawks.

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After the Super Bowl, Richard Sherman called Peyton Manning the “classiest person/player” he had ever met, and tweeted “There is no reason to bash him on here please Seattle let’s just enjoy this one!!!! He is still a Future HOF player.” But Doug Baldwin went off on a rant against Cris Carter who had called the Seahawks receivers “‘average” and ‘pedestrian.” Is it a rule that one Seattle player has to act like an idiot after every big game?

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Eight inches of snow and cancelled flights in New York this morning. And Broncos fans are looking at the heavens and saying “What took you so long?”

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Matt Gubser gets a permanent seat on the bus to hell for this one. Wish I had written it.

“Personally, I think it was a very nice gesture for the Broncos’ offense to take that three hour moment of silence for Philip Seymour Hoffman.”
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From Darren K. Johnston   “After seeing that commercial with the horse & puppy, my kids wouldn’t stop bugging me. So I caved and bought them a case of Bud.”

Weather or not?

February 2, 2014

Not too long ago the NFL was worried that the Super Bowl might have to be postponed for bad weather. Alas for the Broncos, it wasn’t..

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Most unhappy people in America who aren’t Broncos fans have to be advertisers who paid $4 million for a 30 second Super Bowl spot in the fourth quarter.

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Maybe Peyton Manning shouldn’t have gotten tips about playing in MetLife Stadium from his brother Eli?

 

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So was it during the Bruno Mars halftime show that the Denver Broncos 2014 Super Bowl championship shirts were first loaded on planes destined for children in Africa.

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No “I’m going to Disneyland” ad after this year’s Super Bowl. Maybe because Disney knew early on that the real Mickey Mouse outfit this year was the Broncos?

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In this year’s Super Bowl, Peyton Manning’s #Omaha is less reminiscent of the city than of June 6, 1944 on Omaha Beach. 

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On a bright note, so much for the argument in millions of homes on the East Coast as to whether or not at 9pm to turn to Downton Abbey.

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At this point will the Denver offense be charged with a crime if they try to sell game-used jerseys? #SuperBowl

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Not only was the  Kitten Bowl no sillier than the regular Super Bowl pregame show, the game had more drama.  

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A stupid question deserves a stupider answer? When asked if it was a “must-win game”, Stanford grad Doug Baldwin responded “Obviously it’s the Super Bowl. It’s win or go home….”

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The NFL may have dodged a bullet on the weather, and Giants co-owner John Mara, who helped bring the Super Bowl to the New York area, is already talking the game returning to New York. Think there’s more chance of the World Series trophy returning to Wrigley Field.

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From my funny friend Abbe Nelson:   “Q: Did you hear about the joke that Peyton Manning told his receivers?
A: It went over their heads.”

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And not sure who gets credit for originally posting this.  But if you don’t live in Denver it’s pretty darn funny.

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A few non- Super Bowl thoughts-

A small Minnesota was testing beer delivery by drone to ice fisherman. When the FAA heard about it, they told Lakemaid brewery to stop. But millions of men reading this story just got a warmer, fuzzier feeling about drones.

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Paul Ryan, Bobby Jindal and Rudy Giulani all defended Chris Christie on Sunday morning talk shows. Of course, had Rahm Emanuel allegedly caused traffic problems in Chicago to get even with a rival, they’d be calling for his, and Obama’s, impeachment.

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Theaters these days all have these cutesy trailers telling people not to text during the movie. Wouldn’t it be more effective to put a headline on screen about the man who was shot and killed for texting in a Florida theater, with a note underneath saying “Btw, we don’t have a metal detector at the door.”

If you’re reading this Sunday morning?

February 2, 2014

Aren’t you missing the Super Bowl pre-game show?

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Although Saturday night in New York City, there are thousands of hotel rooms available for a reasonable price. Maybe the NFL is finding out you CAN lose money underestimating the intelligence of the American people.

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Can we just play the game, please? Baltimore Ravens coach John Harbaugh said today he doesn’t believe claims that players smoked marijuana before the Super Bowl. Uh, and what’s he supposed to say, “Nah, we didn’t smoke, my guys prefer brownies.”?

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It’s Groundhog Day! Where in Chicago if Punxsutawney Phil sees or doesn’t see his shadow Cubs fans know they have six more decades without a World Series.

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Cal knocked off #1Arizona 60-58 tonight. Would the Golden Bears like to thank Stanford for wearing the Wildcats out Thursday?

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Roger Goodell says he wants to increase the number of NFL teams that make the playoffs from 12 to 14. Because that would have lot$ of benefit$ for the league. Million$ of benefit$ no doubt.

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A United Airlines flight from Dulles to Frankfurt had to land in Newark because of an unidentified odor. Are they sure the smell wasn’t New Jersey?

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At a pre-Super Bowl NY Jets event, GM John Idzik and coach Rex Ryan said they support QB Geno Smith but also said they won’t tolerate behavior that embarrasses the franchise. Apparently the only acceptable way to embarrass the team is on the field.

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There’s now a rumor that Mitt Romney may run for President again in 2016. If true not sure who’ll be happier? Hillary Clinton or comedy writers.

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MLB has approved a new padded cap designed to protect pitchers from line drives, but the story is that players won’t wear them because the caps don’t look cool, and give the impression they’d be pitching scared. Thinking actually it would be a bigger sign of courage to send the message to kids “I don’t care how I look, I care about protecting my brain.”

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Bill Maher “Now that liberals have forwarded their agenda by inserting a mass gay wedding into the Grammys, conservatives must match them tit-for-tat by having a mass shooting at the Country Music Awards.” Waiting for the first Duck Dynasty fan to stand up and defend Maher’s right to free speech.

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The Tonight Show with Jay Leno has been getting some of its highest ratings ever now that Leno is leaving. Which might be giving NBC executives some second thoughts about turning the show over to Jimmy Fallon. Because before this Leno was only….#1 in the late night rankings? Oops, never mind.

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Toronto mayor Rob Ford was just ticketed for jaywalking and public drunkenness in Vancouver. And reportedly told police officers he’d thought they were ‘cooler’ on the West Coast. You know, it wasn’t that long ago that most Americans couldn’t name a single Canadian politician…..

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It’s only weird if it doesn’t work. The Wizards beat the Thunder 96-81 tonight, snapping Oklahoma’s 10 game win streak. John Wall scored 15 of his 17 points in the 2nd half, and said “I didn’t like how I played on the road trip in my white shoes, so I tried the red ones They didn’t work in the first half, so I got rid of them and went back to my old white ones, and they kind of helped me out. I’m kind of superstitious.”

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The American Psychatric Association has now officially recognized “Caffeine Use Disorder.” A new study says for “some it produces negative effects, physical dependence, and can be difficult to give up, which are signs of problematic use.” What was their first clue?

Almost memories?

February 1, 2014

All of this Justin Bieber trouble in the headlines makes many Americans nostalgic for a kinder, gentler time, when the worst music export we could blame Canada for was Celine Dion.

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NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell said today that the name “Redskins” “honors Native Americans”, and “is a unifying force that stands for strength, courage, pride and respect..” Maybe once upon a time, but has Goodell watched the team play lately?”

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Federal authorities say they have seized over $21 million in fake Super Bowl merchandise. What was their first clue? Did some of the gear say “Dallas Cowboys” on it?

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Just think, the U.S. is only about a day away from being done with pre-Super Bowl hype. And after the post-Super Bowl recap is done we should be only about 48 hours away from NFL draft hype.

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In Kingsport, Tenn, SF 49ers OL Daniel Kilgore was charged with public intoxication last Saturday night when police saw him “staggering” on a sidewalk and arrested him for his “safety and the welfare of the public.”. Just one thought, Kilgore is listed at 308 lb. How many drinks does it take to get “staggering” drunk at 308 lbs?

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It’s an old joke but someone’s got to recycle it. Police today Friday were investigating white powder scares in New Jersey near MetLife Stadium. Wonder if the cops were Jets and Giants fans, in which case there’s a good chance the unknown powder was the goal line.

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Olive Garden has a promotion next Friday night, drop off your kids at a “My Gym” location, eat at Olive Garden, show your receipt, and the babysitting is free. If this works maybe real Italian restaurants will follow suit.

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Roger Goodell, joking about marijuana and the NFL drug policy, “I am randomly tested, and I’m happy to say that I am clean.” No doubt. If Goodell inhaled, the No Fun League might be a little mellower.

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Apparently Tim Tebow will appear in two Super Bowl ads. If the ads are any good presumably they’ll only run in the 4th quarter?

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U.S. Capitol Police say they will not press charges over the incident when Rep. Michael Grimm threatened to throw a reporter over a “f*cking balcony.” No doubt because despite the threat, the police figured, Grimm’s a Congressman, they don’t actually DO anything.

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In an interview with Geraldo Rivera Rudy Giuliani said it’s “fifty-fifty” that Christie was aware in advance of the bridge closures. And if anyone knows on the uncertain odds of honesty, it’s the man who’s said “til death do us part” three times.

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Not sure if these new allegations that Chris Christie knew about the bridge closure in advance are true. But strikes me if they are the NJ Governor maybe should have responded when the story first hit ” – Yeah, I closed down a few lanes on his damn bridge. What do you think I’ll do to countries who don’t cooperate with the U.S.?”

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Apparently 6% of Americans call in sick the day after the Super Bowl. Forget avoiding cruises, clearly the real way to take care of your health is to avoid Super Bowl parties.

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Now Toronto mayor Rob Ford has come to the defense of Justin Bieber. Maybe Ford views Bieber as a future Canadian political leader?

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Robert Marchand, 102, broke his own world record in the 100’s cycling category. He rode 26.927 kilometers in one hour, more than 2.5 kilometers better than his previous best time two years ago. Quick, somebody test his ENSURE.

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Short fall

January 30, 2014

The city of  Atlanta must be run by men. Who else could get into so much trouble over just a few inches?

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USA Today headline “Atlanta’s ability to handle winter storms questioned.” What was their first clue?

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Hugh Grant apparently fathered a son with a Swedish woman in September 2012, only three months before his girlfriend gave birth to their second child. As Hugh will now learn, hiring a prostitute is often the cheapest way to pay for sex.

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((To be fair, Grant played the Prime Minister in “Love Actually. ” Maybe he’s just decided he wants to run for Governor of California.)

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George Zimmerman reportedly is trying to find someone to fight him in a celebrity boxing match for charity? Uh, has someone told Zimmerman he’s not allowed to bring a gun for when he starts losing?

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Former Ravens and Bears LB Brendon Ayanbadejo says his some of his teammates smoked marijuana the week before of one of his two Super Bowls. Gosh. Next thing you know someone will claim pot was smoked before an NBA final.

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New York Bill de Blasio says he will not attend the Super Bowl and will watch at home with his teenage son. Some say it’s to keep his middle-class image alive. I’m thinking it’s just that de Blasio is just too smart to spend all that time sitting out in the cold.

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If the Broncos win the Super Bowl how long will it take toy stuffed “Touchdown Ducks” to be available? 

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Not to be outdone, in Dallas, “Interception Ducks” may be available.

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NY Giants QB Eli Manning has been accused of selling fake “game-worn” Super Bowl jerseys and other memorabilia in order to keep the originals for himself. Well, at least this is one problem that will never befall Tony Romo.

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A number of men are thinking “Darn, how do I top this?” after a video of a mom opening a present from her son has gone viral. The present? Super Bowl tickets for her beloved Seahawks. At least that’s one thing Redskins fans don’t have to worry about.

(for above jokes, substitute Browns, Raiders, or even Cowboys if you want. For starters.)

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Colin Kaepernick, interviewed in NY, said that Sherman’s comments were “ridiculous.” And added “If I throw that ball one foot farther, it’s a TD and now you’re the goat, Richard Sherman.” So how quickly is the NFL moving to get the the 49ers-Seahawks next year on SNF and MNF? #ratings

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The Feds will seek the death penalty for Dzhokhar Tsarnaev, 20, in the Boston Marathon bombing. I understand the reasons but there’s still something bizarre about spending millions of medical dollars to save someone’s life in order to spend millions more on a trial to try to execute him.

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From T.C.   “Happy Chinese New Year of the Horse to those who celebrate it. Coincidentally, Canada welcomes Royal visitors Prince Charles and Duchess Camilla this year.”

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Apparently Stanford football coach David Shaw. competing with Notre Dame amongst others, was unable due to this week’s storm to visit star recruit Terrence Alexander at home in New Orleans. Frustrating, but wouldn’t Shaw have done fine just to send the kid a report on the 70 something degree weather this week in Palo Alto?

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And tired of the same old pre-Super Bowl hype,  Maybe time to watch, or rewatch, Peyton Manning’s SNL United Way commercial


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