Posted tagged ‘Stanford jokes’

Decisions, decisions.

September 11, 2014

In South Africa, verdicts can take two days. And in Thursday’s’s first day of the verdict in the Oscar Pistorius trial the judge says Pistorius is not guilty of murder. Wonder if she grew up in Los Angeles?  Or if she wants to move there.

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In San Francisco, 49ers announcer Ted Robinson on KNBR-AM said Monday about Janay Rice, “How does she marry him after that? How does she go in front of Goodell? That’s pathetic to me.” And Robinson got suspended two games. The same original suspension Rice got…….

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So Ray MacDonald plays after his domestic violence arrest, as Aldon Smith did after his DUI arrest and announcer Ted Robinson gets suspended for his insensitive comments. So is the lesson here in the SF football world, we’ll give you due process on whatever you do as long as you keep your mouth shut?

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Indiana Pacers star Paul George “I don’t condone hittin women or think it’s coo BUT if SHE ain’t trippin then I ain’t trippin.. Lets keep it movin lol let that man play!” So where’s the app that says “You are a public figure, do you REALLY want to post that?”

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Tough Thursday night NFL game for women #SteelersRavens. – the team supporting the alleged rapist against the team that supported the wife beater.

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Now according to OTL, several sources are saying Ray Rice told Roger Goodell in June that he had punched his fiancee in an elevator, and “that he was sorry and that it wouldn’t happen again.”. Though the NFL commissioner just said “when we met with Ray Rice and his representatives, it was ambiguous about what actually happened.” Hard to believe, but Rice may come out of this looking better than Goodell.

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So is there a 2014 unwritten rule that in Northern California one baseball team must s*ck at all times? #SFGiants #As

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Bud Selig today, asked about the Rice/ Goodell situations says that a domestic violence “has been discussed (by MLB), because we’re sensitive to all issues.” Right, another of Selig’s “blue ribbon committees.” Amazed the man hasn’t strained an arm patting himself so hard on the back.

 

Paloaltoonline.com notes that Stanford football is “not ready to push the panic button” after last week’s loss to USC. And based on last week, if the Cardinal offense got close to the panic button, they probably couldn’t hit it.

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Kanye West went to a hospital emergency room in Australia for “a pretty intense migraine.” About as big a headache as many Americans get hearing about him and Kim?

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Sarah Palin on the mess in the Mideast. “War is hell. So go big or go home, Mr. President. Big means bold, confident, wise assurance from a trustworthy Commander-in-Chief that it shall be worth it. Charge in, strike hard, get out. Win.” And just imagine, John McCain wanted this woman to be a heartbeat away from the Presidency.

 

A 6th-grade teacher in D.C. will apologize to students for asking them to draw comparisons between George W. Bush and Adolph Hitler. So they think she should have asked for comparisons between Cheney and Hitler?

(And yes, I know what she did was flat out wrong as a teacher and she should be reprimanded. Teachers should be held to a higher standard. Joke-writers on the other hand…..)

Cupcake factory

August 30, 2014

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Stanford Stadium, start of the second half.  The stadium was about 2/3 full. But Stanford fans  proving they are smart enough to get out of the sun.  (Shady side was SRO.)

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38 to 0 Stanford over UCDavis at half time.  45 to 0 final. Not sure if there will be a rematch. At this point Davis is probably fielding half a dozen offers for future games from teams in the SEC .

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Good for Wisconsin for playing LSU opening weekend. But the Badgers’ 4th quarter collapse probably means their long shot hopes for this year’s BCS playoffs are already done. There has to be a better way. #Toomanycupcakes

 

 

Michael Sam released by the St. Louis Rams in their final cuts.  Good news for #ESPN who can now make their story, “Same circus, different elephants.” #notrunkjokesplease

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Michael Sam’s dream isn’t over. He could still be picked up off waivers by another NFL team.  Or maybe even the Raiders.

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Rep. Peter King said that Obama’s tan suit during a press conference was a metaphor for a “lack of seriousness.” Uh, and maybe really caring about the color of the President’s suit is a metaphor for a lack of a brain?

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Ghostbusters is having their 30th anniversary weekend. So now “Who you gonna call? really means “Do you remember who you were gonna call?

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The San Antonio Spurs are amongst the teams trying to sign Ray Allen, Guess the NBA champions figure it’s time for a youth movement.

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A mom from Bremerton, Washington, was sentenced to serve at least a year in jail after her 9-year-old son took a gun to his school, and had it go off in his backpack, injuring an 8-year-old classmate. More of this kind of sentence and just MAYBE more people will be more careful with their firearms? #wecandream

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In a NY Times story about Las Vegas tourist gun ranges, a “range safety officer” is quoted as saying that more than half the tourists “haven’t seen a gun before, much less handled one. You have to ease their fears and you do that by highlighting the safety features. If they do anything wrong, you will be there to correct them.”   Yeah, that worked out so well last week.

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Missed it by that much….

March 24, 2014

Today was a rough Monday.  All those folks who thought Warren Buffett was going to make them billionaires had to slink back into work.

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For anyone watching the Cardinal upset Sunday, my son found this line on SI.com “As expected, Kansas center Joel Embiid didn’t play against Stanford. A little more surprisingly, neither did Andrew Wiggins.” Ouch.

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Tiger Woods says he isn’t sure if he will be able to play at Augusta in two weeks. And if you thought that little boy at the Kansas-Stanford game was crying, wait until you see the Masters’ TV sponsors.

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Fortunately all the injuries were minor at Chicago’s O’Hare Airport when a commuter train derailed this morning. Although have to wonder, when most people heard “O’Hare’ and “train wreck” they probably assumed it was a metaphor for something with United Airlines.

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Mitt Romney in his new role as “Criticizer-in-chief” is saying what President “should have done from the very beginning was have the judgment to understand that Russia was not our friend.” Where was Mitt when W. “looked into” (Putin’s) eyes and saw his soul?

 

 

 

So what would Mitt Romney have done to scare Putin anyway? Drove around with a Russian Wolfhound on the roof of his car?

 

 

In the women’s NCAA tournament, DePaul upset #2 Duke 74-65 Monday night. Looks like the Blue Devil women picked a bad week to start playing like the men.

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Colorado Gov. John Hickenlooper has installed beer taps in the Governor’s mansion. And visitors from out of state are thinking “beer schmeer, what about brownies?”

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Miami Marlins president David Sampson wants his team to pick up the pace of games this year. So the new team motto will be “Nasty, brutish and shorter?”

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The NFL is considering a 4th game in London in 2015. As rough as the flight is, have to figure a lot of teams would rather play there than Buffalo or Green Bay in November or December.

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Anthony Weiner has a new gig as a political columnist for Business Insider. Wonder if he knew it’s “Insider” not “Inside-Her.”

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Mark Sanchez apparently will end up with the Philadelphia Eagles. Wow. Perfect place for a guy who may have been a little too sensitive to fan disapproval…..

 

From Neil Berliner :   The Eagles are signing Mark Sanchez. Mark’s much better than Michael Vick. Because he could never hit a dog, especially if it were ten or more yards away from him.

 

A couple MH 370 thoughts.

Really hope they find that Malaysian Air plane along with the black boxes. Not just for the important closure for survivors, but because we really need to shut the conspiracy theorists up.

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As if this story weren’t weird enough, Malaysia Airlines notified some family members that “We have to assume beyond reasonable doubt that MH370 has been lost and that none of those on board have survived,” via TEXT message. Thereby usurping all breakup messages in the history of texting from the lead in the “least sensitive message ever” category.

Oh, baby

March 24, 2014

 

Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher are expecting their first child together. Wonder if Mila might ask Demi Moore if she’s saved any of Ashton’s favorite toys.

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Shouldn’t Warren Buffett give at least a few thousand to those who had #Dayton #Stanford in the Sweet Sixteen? Both of them.

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Not a lot of people outside Palo Alto had Stanford into the Sweet Sixteen. Heck, not a lot of people INSIDE Palo Alto had Stanford into the Sweet Sixteen.

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It might be a nice gesture for #Stanford to offer #cryingKansaskid a campus tour. Maybe he’ll grow up to play for the Cardinal.

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The SF Chronicle has the same reporter regularly covering the Stanford men’s and women’s basketball teams.  (And Tom Fitzgerald’s been driving between St. Louis and Ames.)  Why do I think the paper didn’t spend a lot of time trying to figure out his potential conflict for the second NCAA tournament weekend?

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While the Dodgers swept their two-game series in Australia with the D’backs, there have already been incidents where Yasiel Puig has drawn the ire of manager Don Mattingly and teammate Adrian Gonzalez. How long in Los Angeles until we start hearing “Puigy being Puigy?”

 

Hillary Clinton admitted last night that she is weighing another presidential campaign. “I am shocked,” said absolutely no one.

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Jimmy Carter,89, said he writes letters when it’s something sensitive as he thinks the NSA is monitoring his emails. And the NSA responded. “Wait, Jimmy Carter knows how to send emails?”

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A man was arrested Friday after ordering ten shots of Jägermeister and then punching two other patrons and setting fire to a trash can in a sports bar. You guessed, it, Florida. (If only he had been armed.)

 

The latest potential credit card date breach involves the DMV. “Wow. I’m shocked they would be so sloppy and careless.” said no one who’s ever renewed a driver’s license.

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From Gary Bachman   “The president of Malta’s grandson gave the pope a plastic dinosaur. The only other time the pope held a plastic dinosaur was when he embraced Joan Rivers.”

What’s in a name?

January 2, 2014

Kate Winslet will not give her baby son “Bear” her husband’s last name, which is (legally) “RocknRoll. He will be known as Bear Winslet “Of course we’re not going to call (him) RocknRoll. People might judge all they like, but I’m a (bleeping) grown-up.” And she said it with a (bearly?) straight face

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“Gosh it’s so sad seeing Nick Saban lose” said no one in 49 states. (And in Alabama, no one in Auburn.).

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ESPN headline “Jadeveon Clowney ready to make impact in the NFL.”. Considering his being caught twice over 100 mph let’s hope that impact isn’t in a vehicle.

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Can’t imagine how airlines get the reputation for unfriendly pricing. United Airlines has started offering “Premium Wines” by the glass in their United Club at the airport. Like Mark West Pinot Noir at $13. Average retail price for a BOTTLE of the wine as of today – $10, discounted as low as $6.99.

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On Monday, Vikings LB Erin Henderson talked about his DUI arrest Nov. 19 and said “You start to learn a lot about yourself when things can go wrong or bad, if you’re willing to try to learn, if you’re willing to look in the mirror and figure things out. And I think I was able to do that.” On Wednesday, Henderson was arrested again for DUI. Even Lindsay Lohan is thinking that’s a slow learning curve.

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Disappointing to fly back from the Rose Bowl after a Stanford loss. On the other hand, Palo Alto, sunny today with a high of 70. East Lansing, snowy today with a high of 14.

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Maybe just maybe David Shaw kept running up the middle in yesterday’s Rose Bowl because he figured MSU would think Stanford couldn’t possibly be crazy enough to keep doing it and would guess “pass”?

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Over 90,000 attendees at the 2014 Rose Bowl. And only one of them thought Stanford would eventually succeed running up the middle. Unfortunately for Cardinal fans, that one was their coach.

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Mayor Rob Ford has filed papers to run for re-election. Not sure about the citizens of Toronto, but this is excellent news for comedy writers.

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Why there is no satire: A man who won a contest last year to meet the cast of “Breaking Bad” back in September has been arrested on drug charges. (Yeah, you guessed the state. And no, not New Mexico.)

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The next GOP strategy to overturn Obamacare will apparently be to focus on potential security issues with the website. Eric Cantor is saying that Americans shouldn’t have to worry “if they can trust the government to inform them when their personal information — entered into a government mandated website — has been compromised.” Right, on the other hand if banks, stores or social media compromise personal data, well, that’s just a risk of capitalism.

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And in the comedy comes from pain department, Dwight Perry liked one of yesterday’s Rose Bowl jokes.  It’s a great Seattle Times sports humor column.  http://seattletimes.com/html/sidelinechatter/2022586190_chatter03xml.html

And the winner might be…?

November 8, 2013

Not sure if there are any winners in this Dolphins mess. Except maybe ESPN… which suddenly is looking at higher ratings for their upcoming Tampa Bay-Miami MNF game. Americans love train wrecks.

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Apparently Condoleezza Rice turned down a search committee that was looking for new Penn State president. Guess she feels there really are more uncomfortable jobs than having to explain away a war over non-existent WMDS.

 In an anonymous survey of NFL players, 20.8% said they would rather have Richie Incognito as a teammate, and 47.2% said they’d rather have Jonathan Martin. Makes sense. Whatever they think of the situation, Martin would be easier on their wallets.

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Just wondering, if any of the Patriots thought Aaron Hernandez was dangerous, would reporting it have been a violation of the locker room code?

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Toronto Mayor Rob Ford’s lawyer said Friday his client is “considering rehab.” So congrats to all those who had November 8 in the pool.

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A new shark species was reportedly found off the Carolina coast. This has to be a John Edwards joke.

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Stocks jumped Friday on a much better than expected jobs report. (204,000 new jobs when economists had predicted 120,000) I blame Obama.

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CBS News is now apologizing for a “60 Minutes” story on Benghazi which has been heavily quoted by Republicans. They said they were “misled” by a source who claimed he was there during the attack, but who now admits to lying. Guessing this will not make the headlines on Fox News.

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A boy who weighed in at 14 pounds when he was born at a hospital in Utah appears to be the biggest baby born in the United States so far this year. An inventory of things around his bed in the nursery included a stuffed animal, a rattle, a pacifer, and a letter of introduction from Les Miles. – See more at: http://hqprincegeorge.com/home/hart_attack/news/v/Local/292719/Hartley-Miller-s-Hart-Attack-November-8-2013-Edition-444#sthash.zcSaHpbW.dpuf

And the photo below was taken by my friend David Lombardi.    #Nerdnation at its finest.  Three of Stanford’s star football players in full postgame nerd regalia, right down to the glasses with plastic tape.  Very well played, gentlemen.

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Now the GOP has Super PACS gearing up to fight the Tea Party. Didn’t we see a variation of this plot in a novel long ago written by Mary Shelley?

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From Bill Littlejohn ” A boy who weighed in at 14 pounds when he was born at a hospital in Utah appears to be the biggest baby born in the United States so far this year.An inventory of things around his bed in the nursery included a stuffed animal, a rattle, a pacifer, and a letter of introduction from Les Miles”

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Jimmy Kimmel suggested that parents play a joke on their kids pretending that they had eaten all the kids’ candy. Hope the 15 seconds of fame with the resulting clips on tv is worth the years of future therapy bills.

Nerd party

November 8, 2013

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Big nerd party.  In Palo Alto.  And please note, the band is NOT on the field.  Guess they learned with the 1982 Big Game with John Elway.

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You do get the sense more than a few Stanford players got really tired of being referred to as “nice” and “soft” this week. #fearthetree

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Well, many expected the Stanford Oregon game would be a shutout at halftime. They were right.

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And before tonight, for anyone who was buying the b.s. narrative that Stanford football players are overly nice and soft, I have two words for you – “Richard Sherman.”

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The SF 49ers expect Aldon Smith to play Sunday against the Panthers, less than two weeks out of rehab and after both a DUI and being arrested on felony weapons charges earlier this year. I’m sure the fact that he is a star has NOTHING to do with it….

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The FDA is trying now eventually to remove all artificial trans fats – like shortening and margarine, out of the food supply, because they are too dangerous to people’s health. Vindication for all of us who never gave up butter!

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Steve Patterson, the new University of Texas AD, says he doesn’t expect major changes. And alums are thinking, well, we were kind of hoping the football team starts actually winning….

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Charming. Dolphins GM Jeff Ireland, the one who asked Dez Bryant if his mom was a prostitute, apparently that suggested that Jonathan Martin “punch” Incognito. And the New Orleans Saints are thinking “Hey at least we went after people who weren’t on our own team?”

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NY Yankees manager Joe Girardi says that Alex Rodriguez’s hearing is “complicating” things for the team this offseason. With all due respect, hasn’t A-Rod complicated things for the team since the day he arrived?

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The NY Times reports that CIA is paying AT&T more than $10 million per year for “limited access” to the company’s of phone records. Actually AT&T only was probably officially charging them $50,000 – the rest is overage charges.

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John Boehner will not bring ENDA to the House floor, because he “believes this legislation will increase frivolous litigation and cost American jobs.” Well, and if anyone is an expert on frivolity and costing American jobs, it’s the man who had Government workers stay home for 2 weeks over not voting on a spending bill..

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A California man went skydiving for the first time on his 100th birthday. Guess he wanted to wait until his great-grandchildren were old enough to cosign his liability waiver?

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From Gary Bachman  “The Chicago Cubs hired Padres bench coach Rick Renteria as their new manager. Renteria hopes this experience will someday enable him to land a job as a major league manager.”

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A new video has emerged showing Toronto Mayor Rob Ford in an apparent drunken rage threatening to “murder” someone and “poke his eyes out.”  This man doesn’t want to be mayor, he wants to join the Miami Dolphins.

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Roger Goodell had to be wishing for anything to change the NFL headlines this week with the Dolphins mess. So now we have Tony Dorsett along with other former stars announcing they have been diagnosed with CTE.


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