Posted tagged ‘Stanford jokes’

Missed it by that much….

March 24, 2014

Today was a rough Monday.  All those folks who thought Warren Buffett was going to make them billionaires had to slink back into work.

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For anyone watching the Cardinal upset Sunday, my son found this line on SI.com “As expected, Kansas center Joel Embiid didn’t play against Stanford. A little more surprisingly, neither did Andrew Wiggins.” Ouch.

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Tiger Woods says he isn’t sure if he will be able to play at Augusta in two weeks. And if you thought that little boy at the Kansas-Stanford game was crying, wait until you see the Masters’ TV sponsors.

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Fortunately all the injuries were minor at Chicago’s O’Hare Airport when a commuter train derailed this morning. Although have to wonder, when most people heard “O’Hare’ and “train wreck” they probably assumed it was a metaphor for something with United Airlines.

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Mitt Romney in his new role as “Criticizer-in-chief” is saying what President “should have done from the very beginning was have the judgment to understand that Russia was not our friend.” Where was Mitt when W. “looked into” (Putin’s) eyes and saw his soul?

 

 

 

So what would Mitt Romney have done to scare Putin anyway? Drove around with a Russian Wolfhound on the roof of his car?

 

 

In the women’s NCAA tournament, DePaul upset #2 Duke 74-65 Monday night. Looks like the Blue Devil women picked a bad week to start playing like the men.

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Colorado Gov. John Hickenlooper has installed beer taps in the Governor’s mansion. And visitors from out of state are thinking “beer schmeer, what about brownies?”

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Miami Marlins president David Sampson wants his team to pick up the pace of games this year. So the new team motto will be “Nasty, brutish and shorter?”

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The NFL is considering a 4th game in London in 2015. As rough as the flight is, have to figure a lot of teams would rather play there than Buffalo or Green Bay in November or December.

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Anthony Weiner has a new gig as a political columnist for Business Insider. Wonder if he knew it’s “Insider” not “Inside-Her.”

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Mark Sanchez apparently will end up with the Philadelphia Eagles. Wow. Perfect place for a guy who may have been a little too sensitive to fan disapproval…..

 

From Neil Berliner :   The Eagles are signing Mark Sanchez. Mark’s much better than Michael Vick. Because he could never hit a dog, especially if it were ten or more yards away from him.

 

A couple MH 370 thoughts.

Really hope they find that Malaysian Air plane along with the black boxes. Not just for the important closure for survivors, but because we really need to shut the conspiracy theorists up.

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As if this story weren’t weird enough, Malaysia Airlines notified some family members that “We have to assume beyond reasonable doubt that MH370 has been lost and that none of those on board have survived,” via TEXT message. Thereby usurping all breakup messages in the history of texting from the lead in the “least sensitive message ever” category.

Oh, baby

March 24, 2014

 

Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher are expecting their first child together. Wonder if Mila might ask Demi Moore if she’s saved any of Ashton’s favorite toys.

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Shouldn’t Warren Buffett give at least a few thousand to those who had #Dayton #Stanford in the Sweet Sixteen? Both of them.

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Not a lot of people outside Palo Alto had Stanford into the Sweet Sixteen. Heck, not a lot of people INSIDE Palo Alto had Stanford into the Sweet Sixteen.

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It might be a nice gesture for #Stanford to offer #cryingKansaskid a campus tour. Maybe he’ll grow up to play for the Cardinal.

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The SF Chronicle has the same reporter regularly covering the Stanford men’s and women’s basketball teams.  (And Tom Fitzgerald’s been driving between St. Louis and Ames.)  Why do I think the paper didn’t spend a lot of time trying to figure out his potential conflict for the second NCAA tournament weekend?

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While the Dodgers swept their two-game series in Australia with the D’backs, there have already been incidents where Yasiel Puig has drawn the ire of manager Don Mattingly and teammate Adrian Gonzalez. How long in Los Angeles until we start hearing “Puigy being Puigy?”

 

Hillary Clinton admitted last night that she is weighing another presidential campaign. “I am shocked,” said absolutely no one.

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Jimmy Carter,89, said he writes letters when it’s something sensitive as he thinks the NSA is monitoring his emails. And the NSA responded. “Wait, Jimmy Carter knows how to send emails?”

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A man was arrested Friday after ordering ten shots of Jägermeister and then punching two other patrons and setting fire to a trash can in a sports bar. You guessed, it, Florida. (If only he had been armed.)

 

The latest potential credit card date breach involves the DMV. “Wow. I’m shocked they would be so sloppy and careless.” said no one who’s ever renewed a driver’s license.

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From Gary Bachman   “The president of Malta’s grandson gave the pope a plastic dinosaur. The only other time the pope held a plastic dinosaur was when he embraced Joan Rivers.”

What’s in a name?

January 2, 2014

Kate Winslet will not give her baby son “Bear” her husband’s last name, which is (legally) “RocknRoll. He will be known as Bear Winslet “Of course we’re not going to call (him) RocknRoll. People might judge all they like, but I’m a (bleeping) grown-up.” And she said it with a (bearly?) straight face

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“Gosh it’s so sad seeing Nick Saban lose” said no one in 49 states. (And in Alabama, no one in Auburn.).

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ESPN headline “Jadeveon Clowney ready to make impact in the NFL.”. Considering his being caught twice over 100 mph let’s hope that impact isn’t in a vehicle.

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Can’t imagine how airlines get the reputation for unfriendly pricing. United Airlines has started offering “Premium Wines” by the glass in their United Club at the airport. Like Mark West Pinot Noir at $13. Average retail price for a BOTTLE of the wine as of today – $10, discounted as low as $6.99.

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On Monday, Vikings LB Erin Henderson talked about his DUI arrest Nov. 19 and said “You start to learn a lot about yourself when things can go wrong or bad, if you’re willing to try to learn, if you’re willing to look in the mirror and figure things out. And I think I was able to do that.” On Wednesday, Henderson was arrested again for DUI. Even Lindsay Lohan is thinking that’s a slow learning curve.

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Disappointing to fly back from the Rose Bowl after a Stanford loss. On the other hand, Palo Alto, sunny today with a high of 70. East Lansing, snowy today with a high of 14.

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Maybe just maybe David Shaw kept running up the middle in yesterday’s Rose Bowl because he figured MSU would think Stanford couldn’t possibly be crazy enough to keep doing it and would guess “pass”?

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Over 90,000 attendees at the 2014 Rose Bowl. And only one of them thought Stanford would eventually succeed running up the middle. Unfortunately for Cardinal fans, that one was their coach.

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Mayor Rob Ford has filed papers to run for re-election. Not sure about the citizens of Toronto, but this is excellent news for comedy writers.

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Why there is no satire: A man who won a contest last year to meet the cast of “Breaking Bad” back in September has been arrested on drug charges. (Yeah, you guessed the state. And no, not New Mexico.)

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The next GOP strategy to overturn Obamacare will apparently be to focus on potential security issues with the website. Eric Cantor is saying that Americans shouldn’t have to worry “if they can trust the government to inform them when their personal information — entered into a government mandated website — has been compromised.” Right, on the other hand if banks, stores or social media compromise personal data, well, that’s just a risk of capitalism.

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And in the comedy comes from pain department, Dwight Perry liked one of yesterday’s Rose Bowl jokes.  It’s a great Seattle Times sports humor column.  http://seattletimes.com/html/sidelinechatter/2022586190_chatter03xml.html

And the winner might be…?

November 8, 2013

Not sure if there are any winners in this Dolphins mess. Except maybe ESPN… which suddenly is looking at higher ratings for their upcoming Tampa Bay-Miami MNF game. Americans love train wrecks.

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Apparently Condoleezza Rice turned down a search committee that was looking for new Penn State president. Guess she feels there really are more uncomfortable jobs than having to explain away a war over non-existent WMDS.

 In an anonymous survey of NFL players, 20.8% said they would rather have Richie Incognito as a teammate, and 47.2% said they’d rather have Jonathan Martin. Makes sense. Whatever they think of the situation, Martin would be easier on their wallets.

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Just wondering, if any of the Patriots thought Aaron Hernandez was dangerous, would reporting it have been a violation of the locker room code?

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Toronto Mayor Rob Ford’s lawyer said Friday his client is “considering rehab.” So congrats to all those who had November 8 in the pool.

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A new shark species was reportedly found off the Carolina coast. This has to be a John Edwards joke.

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Stocks jumped Friday on a much better than expected jobs report. (204,000 new jobs when economists had predicted 120,000) I blame Obama.

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CBS News is now apologizing for a “60 Minutes” story on Benghazi which has been heavily quoted by Republicans. They said they were “misled” by a source who claimed he was there during the attack, but who now admits to lying. Guessing this will not make the headlines on Fox News.

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A boy who weighed in at 14 pounds when he was born at a hospital in Utah appears to be the biggest baby born in the United States so far this year. An inventory of things around his bed in the nursery included a stuffed animal, a rattle, a pacifer, and a letter of introduction from Les Miles. – See more at: http://hqprincegeorge.com/home/hart_attack/news/v/Local/292719/Hartley-Miller-s-Hart-Attack-November-8-2013-Edition-444#sthash.zcSaHpbW.dpuf

And the photo below was taken by my friend David Lombardi.    #Nerdnation at its finest.  Three of Stanford’s star football players in full postgame nerd regalia, right down to the glasses with plastic tape.  Very well played, gentlemen.

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Now the GOP has Super PACS gearing up to fight the Tea Party. Didn’t we see a variation of this plot in a novel long ago written by Mary Shelley?

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From Bill Littlejohn ” A boy who weighed in at 14 pounds when he was born at a hospital in Utah appears to be the biggest baby born in the United States so far this year.An inventory of things around his bed in the nursery included a stuffed animal, a rattle, a pacifer, and a letter of introduction from Les Miles”

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Jimmy Kimmel suggested that parents play a joke on their kids pretending that they had eaten all the kids’ candy. Hope the 15 seconds of fame with the resulting clips on tv is worth the years of future therapy bills.

Nerd party

November 8, 2013

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Big nerd party.  In Palo Alto.  And please note, the band is NOT on the field.  Guess they learned with the 1982 Big Game with John Elway.

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You do get the sense more than a few Stanford players got really tired of being referred to as “nice” and “soft” this week. #fearthetree

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Well, many expected the Stanford Oregon game would be a shutout at halftime. They were right.

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And before tonight, for anyone who was buying the b.s. narrative that Stanford football players are overly nice and soft, I have two words for you – “Richard Sherman.”

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The SF 49ers expect Aldon Smith to play Sunday against the Panthers, less than two weeks out of rehab and after both a DUI and being arrested on felony weapons charges earlier this year. I’m sure the fact that he is a star has NOTHING to do with it….

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The FDA is trying now eventually to remove all artificial trans fats – like shortening and margarine, out of the food supply, because they are too dangerous to people’s health. Vindication for all of us who never gave up butter!

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Steve Patterson, the new University of Texas AD, says he doesn’t expect major changes. And alums are thinking, well, we were kind of hoping the football team starts actually winning….

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Charming. Dolphins GM Jeff Ireland, the one who asked Dez Bryant if his mom was a prostitute, apparently that suggested that Jonathan Martin “punch” Incognito. And the New Orleans Saints are thinking “Hey at least we went after people who weren’t on our own team?”

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NY Yankees manager Joe Girardi says that Alex Rodriguez’s hearing is “complicating” things for the team this offseason. With all due respect, hasn’t A-Rod complicated things for the team since the day he arrived?

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The NY Times reports that CIA is paying AT&T more than $10 million per year for “limited access” to the company’s of phone records. Actually AT&T only was probably officially charging them $50,000 – the rest is overage charges.

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John Boehner will not bring ENDA to the House floor, because he “believes this legislation will increase frivolous litigation and cost American jobs.” Well, and if anyone is an expert on frivolity and costing American jobs, it’s the man who had Government workers stay home for 2 weeks over not voting on a spending bill..

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A California man went skydiving for the first time on his 100th birthday. Guess he wanted to wait until his great-grandchildren were old enough to cosign his liability waiver?

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From Gary Bachman  “The Chicago Cubs hired Padres bench coach Rick Renteria as their new manager. Renteria hopes this experience will someday enable him to land a job as a major league manager.”

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A new video has emerged showing Toronto Mayor Rob Ford in an apparent drunken rage threatening to “murder” someone and “poke his eyes out.”  This man doesn’t want to be mayor, he wants to join the Miami Dolphins.

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Roger Goodell had to be wishing for anything to change the NFL headlines this week with the Dolphins mess. So now we have Tony Dorsett along with other former stars announcing they have been diagnosed with CTE.

Winning bet?

December 2, 2012

Okay, going out on a limb here and willing to bet that a team wearing white and red will win the Rose Bowl.

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Before any Stanford fans freak out about the 70 points Wisconsin put up against Nebraska, two reality checks: 1. The Badgers have FIVE losses. 2. One of these losses was 10-7 against Oregon State.

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One thought going through the head of any long-time Stanford fan watching the Big Ten championship – “Thank God Ron Dayne has graduated.”

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A little perspective, please? SF Chronicle story about SF 49ers QB Alex Smith is headlined “Playing well and then a cruel twist of fate.” Uh, I have no doubt Smith is disappointed to be demoted, but he’s young, healthy and making $5 million this year – Life could be a lot worse.

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So now that we are learning that on any given Saturday any SEC team can beat another, it’s a shame we don’t really know how they match up with Pac 12 teams… Gosh, if only there was a way to compare them on the field.

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Oregon State played Nicholls State, from Thibodaux, LA, today in a “home opener” rescheduled from Sept 1. due to Hurricane Isaac. The Beavers won 77-3. Wonder if Nicholls State can re-apply for disaster relief.

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A new dating site, Meetattheairport.com, is designed for travelers to meet while they are waiting for their flights. Let’s hope the major airlines don’t get wind of this…they may start charging more for delays as potential extra mingling time.

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So what exactly does it take to get national respect? Announcers on CBS Sports just talked about how UCLA outplayed Stanford yesterday but won’t go to the Rose Bowl because they lost the game….. (really.)

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Finally some good news in the court of public opinion for Lindsay Lohan? Tiffany Williams, the woman she allegedly punched in Manhattan, has hired Gloria Allred as her lawyer.

That rosy feeling…

December 1, 2012

 

The nerds are going to Pasadena.   (Move over Cal Tech)

rosy

 

Is it too early to start the 2013 Kevin Hogan for Heisman campaign?

 

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The Stanford vs. UCLA  Pac 12 championship was played at 5p. Scheduled for all those East Coast prime time market fans who really cared.   Both of them.

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“The only good thing about Grover Norquist is he’s named after a character from ‘Sesame Street.’” — Former Pres. George W. Bush adviser Matthew Dowd. But while Elmo has been accused of screwing underage boys, this Grover has been screwing the whole country.

 

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Monte Kiffin says he will retire as USC’s defensive coordinator after their bowl game. Trojan fans are just praying “Like father, like son.”

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A Oregon man lost on Mount Hood in a blizzard was rescued from a storm after he posted a screenshot to Facebook with his GPS coordinates. Of course, maybe if he hadn’t been updating his FB page while hiking he might not have gotten lost in the first place.

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The new owner of the New Orleans Hornets, Tom Benson, says he would like to change the name to something more “fitting” of Louisiana. If he can get the NBA to make the change does this make the whole team players to be named later?.

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The Phoenix Suns on Dec. 6 will guarantee its fans that they will have fun at the game or they can apply for a refund. But define “fun.” Heck, for a certain type there’s always “Fifty Shades of the Washington Wizards.”

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Not saying college football is overly in love with replay, but expect any day now to have an official review to see if a timeout is long enough.

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Got to love all this media effort to search for the Powerball winners.   What a country, considering the odds, we glorify  people who were idiotic enough to buy tickets.

 

(and hey, the lottery for cheap entertainment value, sure, why not. But as a retirement plan?)

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NBA commissioner David Stern fined San Antonio $250,000 after they sent 3 top players home early from a road trip, thereby missing the game against the Miami Heat. Stern said the fine was because the Spurs “did a disservice to the league and our fans.” So why doesn’t he fine the Wizards EVERY night?

 

Really?

November 19, 2012

Even Oregon and Maryland are thinking… those Pittsburgh throwback uniforms are UGLY.

A question about those Pittsburgh throwback jerseys. Can they throw them back?

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-USC’s Matt Barkley is officially out against Notre Dame. Leaving the team in the hands of redshirt freshman Max Wittek. Uh, before everyone concedes the game to the Fighting Irish, they might remember that had Stanford started THEIR redshirt freshman in South Bend, the Cardinal probably would have won.

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Got to love it. While some Texans have signed a petition to secede, some in Austin have in turn filed a petition to secede from Texas and remain part of the Union should that happen, stating it is “entirely feasible for Austin to operate as its own state.” Hey, it could work.

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How bad have the Philadelphia Eagles looked lately? Forget the NFL playoffs – they don’t look like a team that would be BCS bowl eligible.

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Andrew Luck has had a great rookie year, but this might have been the one week where he wishes he had taken advantage of that last year of eligibility at Stanford.

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The Oakland Raiders have been outscored 123-34 in the third quarter this year.  Uh,  maybe instead of halftime adjustments the team should spend the time doing something more productive,  like updating their Facebook pages.

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Los Angeles Times conservative columnist Charlotte Allen has apparently seriously endorsed Sarah for the 2016 GOP nomination. So who says Democrats never agree with Republican ideas?

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Newt Gingrich today said that Mitt Romney’s comment that President Obama won the election by offering “gift” was “nuts.” Well, if anyone knows “nuts”….

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Apparently 76ers center Andrew Bynum may have further damaged his knees while bowling. So for other professional athletes signing contracts, will this mean one more added to the list of prohibited dangerous sports?

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So after that road upset of Oregon, Stanford moves up in the AP poll from #14 all the way to… #11? Of course there are five SEC teams ahead of them. Shocking.

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On the other hand,  Stanford is #8 in the BCS rankings.   Guess it helps to have graduates who can program those computers

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Curious sidelight to yesterday’s Pac 12 upset:   So for the second year in a row, ESPN’s Lee Corso got his Oregon-Stanford “College Gameday” pick wrong.

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From “Northern Neutral Observer”   (translation,  T.C.  from Canada)   ” A team named after condoms will prevail over a team with a Leprechaun as its mascot.

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And from Gary M, about the gun store owner who says he won’t sell to Obama supporters because they aren’t “responsible” enough.  “Like so many, when I think of responsible gun owners, I immediately think of Arizona.”

Duck, duck, goosed. Or at least Cardinaled.

November 18, 2012

 

 

Caption contest for the above?

 

Maybe they were expecting an Oregon-Kansas State BCS championship game?

 

 

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Forget Duck A L’Orange. How about Duck A L’Cardinal? Go Stanford.

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Apparently Duck hunting season started early this year in Eugene.

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Stanford is one quarterback substitution earlier in the year (and maybe one change of placekicker) to being in the discussion for the BCS championship.

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Florida Gov. Rick Scott said in a speech to conservatives this week that “the election is over. Get over it.” And of course his state should be done counting ballots any week now.

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A Northern Arizona gun shop owner has the following sign in his window: “If you voted for Barack Obama your business is not welcome. You have proven you are not responsible enough to own a firearm.” Wait a minute. Isn’t that gun control?

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Maryland and Rutgers are in talks to become the 13th and 14th members of the Big Ten. And we wonder why football players are bad at math.

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At the “Books Inc” bookstore,  copies of “Anna Karenina” with photo of Keira Knightly on cover are on the front display. Wonder how many of the younger generation are thinking “Wow, they wrote that fast to go with the movie opening.”

 

So after Alabama’s loss to Texas A & M, the Crimson Tide followed up this weekend with the powerhouse opponent Western Carolina. Can’t imagine how SEC teams get the reputation of playing out-of-conference cupcakes.

 

 

 

“I am pro-life, but because life is complicated, that choice is between a woman and her idea of a higher power. I believe if Roe vs. Wade were repealed, abortion would still go on. I care more about my economy, national security, and fiscal conservatism than I do about what women do with their bodies. It’s not my place, and I don’t believe it’s the government’s place, to make such decisions.” Maybe the GOP nominated the wrong McCain in 2008. This quote is from Meghan.

Election eve.

November 5, 2012

Just think, in two more days none of us will be receiving countless emailed solicitations for political donations. Those emails will be replaced by countless solicitations for Christmas shopping.

 

 

Actually, if we really want to increase voter turnout and stimulate the economy, maybe what stores should do is offer a discount to anyone this week who can provide proof of voting?

 

Just two more days, and all the U.S. undecided voters can go back to annoying the rest of us over more difficult decisions like “Paper vs. Plastic?”

 

One of these years Republicans will try to win an election by fielding a good enough candidate to make them WANT to allow as many people to vote as possible.

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Karl Rove is already blaming Hurricane Sandy for a potential Romney loss? If so, would that give further credence to those who have been saying for a while “God is coming, and boy is She pissed?”

 

New BCS standings are out, and five of the top eight teams are from the SEC. How did those other three get in there?

 

 

Washington, D.C. is hoping to return to some semblance of normalcy after the election. The Redskins, alas, are already there.

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Stanford changed quarterbacks Saturday and shut out Colorado 48-0. And many NY Jets fans are shouting “Did you see that, Rex Ryan?!”

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Kevin Hogan reminded Stanford football fans Saturday of what it was like to play with a little bit of Luck.

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Got to love polls – sports version. Stanford, #15 with the AP college football rankings – beat Colorado 48 to ZERO. And was dropped to #16.

 

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Another Saturday score, Oregon 62, USC 51.   How did it miss my attention that the NIT men’s basketball tournament must have started this weekend?

 

Sarah Palin’s SARAH PAC donated $5,000 to Mitt Romney’s campaign…on the last day of October. So until then was she an undecided voter too?

 

Andrew Luck set a new single game rookie passing record today with 433 yards. Maybe Kevin Hogan got him fired up too?

 

 

Chris Christie, facing criticism for his perceived support of Obama this week said he is voting for Romney, but “If the president of United States comes here and he’s willing to help my people and he does it then I’m gonna say nice things about him because he’s earned it.” Heresy!

(Charlie Crist was drummed out of the GOP for less.)

 

 

Feeling their pain.

October 14, 2012

This might be the one and ONLY time in my life I show some sympathy for the NY Yankees. Because I remember a May 2011 game when the SF Giants were down 4 runs, came back to tie it up, and lost the heart and soul of their team to an extra-innings injury.    OK, I am done with the sympathy now.

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Yankees fans are particularly upset by the injury. ..more than a few wishing it could have been A-Rod?

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Okay, SF Giants fans didn’t hate TBS/Fox before…. they just said that the Yankees are the best team in the American League. and the CARDINALS are the best team in the National League. Put this quote up over the entrance to A T and T Park.

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But an  open note to all SF Giants fans who have bitched about the team’s lack of a genuine closer…… in Detroit now as in Washington, D.C., fans are saying “Oh STFU.”

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Although if Friday night wasn’t bad enough, some Nationals fans got an email Saturday with an exclusive offer to buy World Series tickets.

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Clearly President Obama should have issued an executive order barring the Nationals from shutting down Stephen Strasburg.

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So which enterprising Stanford student will come up with the t-shirt saying “Stanford 25, ND 20 in overtime?” (Including those two touchdowns the refs missed.)

Did they ship the replacement refs to South Bend?

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Considering how that NLDS went against the Reds, wonder if the SF Giants asked MLB if they could decline home field advantage for the NLCS against the Cardinals?

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At Rupp Arena last night, Kentucky raised their 2012 national championship banner. With coach John Calipari they have to raise those things fast in case they get vacated.

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Was Derek Jeter’s injury Saturday night God’s way of saying Nate McLouth’s ball just might have hit the foul pole Friday?

And who saw this coming?

September 16, 2012

 

 

Is it really an upset when a college team defeats another for the fourth year in a row? Just asking?

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Wonder if Lane Kiffin has already started looking for his next opportunity to underachieve?

 

 

My son heard this from Erin Andrews post-game on ESPN – “Stanford students are really smart but they won’t be going to class tomorrow after celebrating all night…” You can’t put anything past those University of Florida graduates.

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Wonder if USC can take solace is that Stanford only beat the Trojans by four points more than they beat San Jose State.

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Meanwhile the MVP for Ohio State today may be Cal’s field goal kicker.

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Question of the night. What was more unlikely? Stanford beating USC tonight? Or the SF Giants being 8-0 in Barry Zito’s last eight starts?

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No comment: Rick Santorum at a Values Voter Summit today – “We will never have the elite, smart people on our side.”

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Now Italian and Irish magazines announce plans to print those topless pictures of Kate. In the U.S., women think “This is outrageous,” men think “When can we see them?”

Oh, father….

January 5, 2012

Los Angeles archdiocese auxiliary bishop Gabino Zavala has resigned after admitting he fathered 2 children. On a brighter note for the church, at least this means he was having sex with an adult woman.

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Michele Bachmann said she is ending her campaign for President. Not sure who is more upset, her hundreds of hard-core supporters, or the nation’s comedy writers.

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Although Michele Bachman dropped out of the GOP presidential race, she also said “”There are many more chapters to be written.” You know what that means…. yet another failed-candidate book deal.

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Iowa caucuses are not a punch a ballot kind of thing. You have to go in, listen to speeches, talk to people, etc. It can take hours. Yet 58 people in the Iowa caucuses voted for Herman Cain. Did they think they were getting a free pizza or somethng?

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The San Diego Chargers are sticking with coach Norv Turner. This is great news, for the rest of the AFC West.

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In Sonoma County, California, two CHP air officers just arrested a pilot of a single-engine plane for allegedly flying while intoxicated. In the man’s defense, he said he was training to be a commercial pilot for Delta Airlines.

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Why computer programmers should take basic geography. Checking on the Starwood website for a hotel for a client in Princeville, Kauai. The first result? The Sheraton Waikiki, 21.87 miles away. At least the site didn’t give drive time.

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Despite the results in Iowa, Rick Perry is moving ahead to South Carolina. Should we be shocked? We all know how good the Texas Governor is at math.

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Michele Bachmann said her husband Marcus spent the last day of the campaign in Iowa “buying doggie sunglasses for our dog Boomer.” Can’t imagine how those gay rumors got started.

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Rick Santorum is now calling Mitt Romney a “bland, boring career politician.” Not true, Mitt hasn’t been in office since 2006. He’s more of a “bland, boring career candidate.”

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Barack Obama today sidestepped the Senate confirmation process by using a recess appointment to make Richard Cordray the first director of the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau. And the GOP is angry. Very angry. Gosh, does that mean Republicans in Congress might start not working with the President?

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ESPN cameras caught Stanford kicker Jordan Williamson praying on the sidelines before missing a potential game-winning kick in the Fiesta Bowl. Feel sorry for the kid but maybe he’s been too caught up in his studies and bowl preparation to have noticed – lately prayer hasn’t been working out too well on the field for Tim Tebow

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From T.C. Stanford’s place kicker would be a star punter. All his kicks seem to be locked on “left coffin corner”

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Meanwhile, Michigan’s Brendan Gibbons, who was 1 for 5 last year, won the Sugar Bowl for the Wolverines with a 37-yard field goal in overtime. He claimed he made the kick by thinking about “brunette girls.”

“Brunette girls,” huh. Does that mean Stanford’s kicker was thinking about blond girls?

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In the Orange Bowl, West Virginia beat Clemson 70-33. Well, that’s one way not to stress out your place kicker – don’t even ask him to attempt a field goal. (But give Tyler Bitancurt credit, he was 10 for 10 on extra points.)

Caucused?

January 4, 2012

Okay, now in all seriousness, the combined votes for Romney and Santorum in the Iowa caucuses….approximately equal the population of Palo Alto, California. (Just under 59.000. Total.)

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About 120,000 voters voted period. Which is less than the population of Sunnyvale, California. (To out of state or out of country readers that’s a suburb several miles from San Jose, about 131,000 people.)

Maybe we should just move the Iowa caucuses to some small towns in California. Same number of random votes, better weather.

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Rick Santorum lost by only eight votes in Iowa. After losing his 2006 re-election to the Senate by a record margin, and saying this week he believes states have the right to ban birth control and sodomy (which, google it, includes what Bill did with Monica.) Guess this answers one question -how much do many Republicans hate Mitt Romney?

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The mud is flying fast and furious in Iowa as we approach the caucuses tonight. This probably does mean good news, however, for one candidate – President Obama.

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The Las Vegas Hilton has changed its name to “The Las Vegas Hotel & Casino,” dropping the Hilton name. Wonder how many times over the past decade the Hilton family has hoped Paris would do the same thing.

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Another potential winner in tonight’s Iowa caucuses? Hillary Clinton. Seriously. Because if she figures Obama will be re-elected but hasn’t ruled out 2016, Clinton has to be looking at this field and figure she can beat all of them with half her brain tied behind her pantsuit.

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Want to cut down on your soda consumption? How about this story, where a man is claiming to have found a mouse inside of a Mountain Dew can. Pepsi’s expert testified if a mouse HAD gotten into a can that it would have been dissolved in the soda’s acid, and transformed into a “jelly like substance.”

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Stanford coach David Shaw quoted Tuesday in the SF Chronicle: “We can’t settle for field goals against a good football team.” Uh, well then why play for one at the end?

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Happiest people in America right now, after Stanford’s snatching defeat from the jaws of victory, and following Oregon and Boise State’s earlier costly last second losses this season -any parents of a good high school kicker looking for a scholarship.

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Apparently Stanford’s kicker was “Tebowing” it in prayer on the sidelines before his end of regulation missed kick. Guess he hasn’t seen Tim’s results the past few weeks.

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From T.C. Observation on Totitos Fiesta Bowl: One player is definitely Toast(titos)in next NFL Draft – the Stanford Field Goal kicker. Somewhere a Stanford music teacher is saying, “we should have signed that kid up to play in the band!”

Miracle-schmiracle….

December 12, 2011

What greedy Broncos fans really want now from Tebow is for him to start turning water into beer.

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But okay, all these doubters who don’t believe Tebow is, as he says, a virgin. I’m inclined to believe the guy. If for no other reason than that any woman who HAD slept with him would have probably sold the story to the National Enquirer for $1 million plus.

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Anyone else think that God is not only backing Tebow, that He/She is just f*ckng with us?

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As long as Tebow doesn’t start singing “Climb Every Mountain.”

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Actually, the Denver Broncos should be the favored team of those who miss watching NBA games on television. Just as in the NBA, there’s no point in really tuning in until the fourth quarter.

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Ryan Braun’s spokesman issued a statement denying any “intentional violation” of Major League Baseball rules. But really, has any star player EVER come right out and said “Yeah, you caught me.” Only the little guys. Waiting to see what “tainted supplement” Braun supposedly took.

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Chris Paul may now be headed to the Clippers? Jay Leno’s going to need to rewrite his punchlines.

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The NFL MVP is supposedly the player a team absolutely cannot do without. Based on that criteria, shouldn’t the 2011 MVP be Peyton Manning?

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Mitt Romney’s campaign is trying to recover from his casual offer to wager $10,000 with Rick Perry in Saturday’s debate. Even Pete Rose is saying he wouldn’t have made that bet.

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The University of Cincinnati issued major suspensions to four players involved in last night’s basketball brawl with Xavier. Guess the school doesn’t want the team competing with the Bengals.

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A United Airlines 757 en-route from Denver to Los Angeles had to divert to Grand Junction Sunday morning when an engine shut down. Wonder if the airline gave passengers extra frequent flier miles? Or charged them for the extra stop.
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Three straight second-place Heismann finishes for Stanford: The Cardinal is becoming the Susan Lucci of college football.

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Watched the Minnesota Vikings blow a chance (with the help of a missed call) to beat the Detroit Lions today and fall to 2-11. Had Peyton Manning not been injured, Andrew Luck would probably be reunited with Toby Gerhart next year.

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Actually, the Lions should have been called for a face mask at the goal line with a few seconds to go…. But for any Stanford fan with painful memories of Big Game against Cal in 2009, just one question… why didn’t Detroit give it to Toby Gerhart with first and goal from the one?

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Now it turns out that Penn State asst coach Mike McQueary, allegedly told a family friend a different story about the shower incident. According to a Harrisburg paper. “he heard ‘sex sounds’ and a running shower before a young boy peered around the corner of the shower’s stall, then saw an adult arm reach around the boy’s waist and pull him out of view.” Beginning to wonder if there is/was an honest person in the whole program.

Leftovers

November 26, 2011

No, this isn’t a scene from a potential Power Rangers movie….it’s the one-time special Nike-sponsored Stanford football uniform.

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Nike says Saturday’s uniforms -pictured above- are a “metaphor for the pulse of life and the heart that pumps the relentless engine that is Stanford pride.” I think I like “a shameless but eye-catching-albeit-ugly brand promotion” better.

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Meanwhile, in the NFL on Thursday night, Poor Alex Smith. Yesterday he spent so much time on his back under large men the 49ers QB was named an honorary Kardashian.

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Meanwhile, Ndamukong Suh, after being ejected for another personal foul penalty, will be out of action probably for a week or two for the Detroit Lions. Says T.C,, “well at least he has increased his chances of one day being offered a role on the Calgary Stomp-peders.”

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On Thursday night during an early Black Friday sale, a shopper in a Southern California Walmart allegedly used pepper spray to keep others away from things she wanted to buy. In the woman’s defense, she claimed she was just in the spirit of Thanksgiving by sharing food with others.

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But really, if pepper spray is a vegetable does this make salsa a multi-vitamin?

Harvard upset #20 Florida State tonight in men’s college basketball. This would never happen in football. Between the BCS and the scheduling gods, there’s no way Harvard would ever play FSU in college football.

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The latest conservative complaint against Obama is that while he said “God Bless You,” at the end of his Thanksgiving speech the President didn’t explicitly thank God. Fox Radio host Todd Stearns, for example, said “Thanksgiving is a holiday traditionally steeped in giving thanks and praise to God.” Uh, if you asked most Americans wouldn’t they say it’s for giving thanks and praise to family, food and football?

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There are rumors that people have developed seizures while watching the movie “Twilight, Breaking Dawn.” Which means millions of men will be telling their wives/partners/girlfriends- “Honey, of course I’d love to see the movie with you, but my doctor recommends against it.

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Listening to announcers talking about LSU senior QB Jordan Jefferson’s “comeback.” After he was suspended from the team for allegedly kicking a guy on the ground in the head during a bar fight. But after the charges were downgraded from a felony to a misdemeanor (and the trial will be in the off-season), Jefferson was reinstated. How heartwarming.

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And moving onward, another of those serious thoughts: Okay, I get anti-Wall Street, and I get anti-greed. But Occupy protests like Friday night’s to stop shopping in San Francisco’s Union Square? (Didn’t work well, but no one got hurt.)

Sorry while I’m not pro-big-corporation, I am necessarily anti-retail employees just trying to make a living selling stuff we may or may not need.

Happy Thankful for Turkeys Day.

November 24, 2011

And on that subject, I think I can join comedy writers all over the world… If the Republican primary was being dominated by an intelligent, reasonable, likable man (like Jon Huntsman), well, we might all be better off in the long run. But it would be a more a boring world.

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Bad weather across the U.S. Wednesday meant that some travelers won’t make it to their families for Thanksgiving dinner. And at least a few of those travelers have already raised a glass somewhere to toast Mother Nature.

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Michele Bachmann’s spokesman said NBC did finally apologize for the song and said the band had been “severely reprimanded.” In related news, Fallon’s musicians were all made honorary members of the Stanford band.

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So, “Lying Ass B****” for Michele Bachmann?

Surely late night bands can come up with more ideas for other political figures.

For any member of Congress- “Fool on the hill.”

For Congress, the candidates and our President: “Promises, promises.”

For Arnold Schwarznegger, “Billie Jean.” Oh never mind, the child IS his son.

For Rick Perry after that New Hampshire speech “Everybody must get stoned.”

For Romney: “Subterranean Homesick Blues.” (You don’t need a weatherman to know which way the wind blows.)

More to follow, or readers, please add in comments. Political – or for that matter, intro music for sports figures. (Some of those tomorrow for sure.)

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Meanwhile, Mitt Romney told an audience in Iowa he was “not looking to put money in people’s pockets.” Exactly. But he is looking to keep money in the pockets of those who already have it.

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The Kansas City Chiefs signed Kyle Orton off waivers, and the Chicago Bears signed Josh McCown. That’s it, Brett Favre is officially “chopped liver.”

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Andrew Luck will apparently not play the “one more year of eligibility” card to affect the NFL draft As it has been reported the Stanford QB will not take classes next quarter. (Either that or Luck wants to see what it’s like to be an SEC quarterback.)

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A source told ESPN, that Urban Meyer has done some “soul-searching,” and is likely to accept the Ohio State coaching job. Angry Florida fans doubt the story, because at this point they doubt he has a soul to search.

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The NBA owners and players are talking again, with a new self-imposed deadline for Christmas games. Brings to mind that old Chicago song “Does anybody really know what time it is, does anybody really care?”

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Another week, more allegations against, and more denials by, Jerry Sandusky. If this guy loses any more credibility he’ll be named an honorary member of Congress. (In the interest of not going directly to hell I won’t say “or of the Vatican.”)

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But here’s another rider on the bus to hell:

From Marc Ragovin “An assistant Principal at a Brooklyn high school has been suspended for viewing child pornography, or as its also called, Penn State game film.

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Finally in all seriousness, thanks to anyone reading this blog, even if you just stumbled upon it by accident today. You all are the reason I write. Janice Hough

Moving the football.

November 21, 2011

Who knew? The so-called “Game of the Century” between LSU and Alabama, might not have been one of the top ten college games of November.

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Listening to all these NFL players introduce themselves and their college, I propose a new rule – You only get to mention your college or university IF you have actually graduated.

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Stanford’s Andrew Luck was named a first-team Academic All-American with his 3.48 GPA in Architectural Design. In the SEC, at least a few QBs can allegedly spell “Architectural Design.”

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All this strength-of-schedule crap. Never going to change with the BCS. Because an out-of-conference loss knocks teams down so far, there’s no reason for SEC to play good Big 12, Big 10 or Pac 12 teams. And vice versa. We get one or two games like LSU-Oregon and the rest is conjecture. Another reason we need a playoff.

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The University of Miami, currently tied for #7 in the ACC, has decided to self-impose a bowl ban for 2011. What a crushing disappointment for all those kids who grew up dreaming of playing in the AdvoCare V100 Independence Bowl.

While readers may know I’m biased in favor of Stanford, I am not a 49ers fan (I root for the Saints.) But San Francisco is having an impressive year.

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For those West Coast sports fans tired of East Coast bias, the most fun part about listening to the Sunday Night Football? Listening to the announcers talk about marquee teams like the Giants and Eagles, and realizing neither of them is playing as well as the 49ers.

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Of course, if the BCS had anything to do with the NFL playoffs, the 49ers would be seeded about 10th.

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“Breaking Dawn” took in over $139 million this weekend. With an audience that was 80 percent women. Amazing. How the heck did some of those women get men to go with them?

(my niece Sarah implies some teenage boys may have been crazy like foxes and gone to a showing to meet teenage girls. Alex Kaseberg says “It rained so hard in LA it washed a straight dude into a showing of “Breaking Dawn.”)

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Of course, maybe this is all a plot. By opening “Breaking Dawn” the weekend before Black Friday, millions of American men may decide that if their wives or girlfriends give them choice, they’d rather go shopping.

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Jim Harbaugh was the most sought after potential NFL head coach last year. And it is just possible that he might have been under-rated.

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Congress is giving us yet another oxymoron – “Super-committee.”

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The new MLB contract between the owners and players will reputedly include testing for HGH. Translation- The players have found something better.

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In Sunday’s Vikings-Raiders game, Minnesota almost punted early because the officials forgot third down. “See, not so easy is it?” said Rick Perry.

Another one doesn’t bite the dust.

November 20, 2011

But numbers #2 and #4, and #5 and #7 sure did.

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Lee Corso’s “F*** it” comment today on College Game Day is going viral. In Corso’s defense he says was just previewing what BCS executives are saying to each other tonight looking at what’s left of their top 10.

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In Eugene, Oregon still had BCS title hopes alive until the last second, with a chance to tie USC and put the game into overtime, but their field goal attempt sailed wide left. Who do the Ducks think they are, Florida State?

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Ugly win in ugly weather for Stanford over Cal. But Oklahoma, Oklahoma State, Oregon and Clemson would trade places with the Cardinal tonight.

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Meanwhile, Stanford’s Andrew Luck was named to the NCAA’s Academic All American first team. The response from most of the SEC “Academic? Is that like part of the Academy Awards or something?”

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Meanwhile Penn State beat Ohio State. Sad to think that a month ago this would have made fans of clean football programs happy.

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Old Navy goofed up earlier this year with “Lets go” football shirts (no hyphen). Now Victoria’s Secret came out with a “Hail to the Victors” shirt. Except that the shirt is green, and says “Go Spartans”…. (Don’t know if they’re more offended in Ann Arbor or Lansing.)

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If President Obama wants a big jump in his approval ratings maybe he should consider an executive order making the BCS unconstitutional. (The SEC is all red states anyway.)

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Meanwhile, happy belated birthday (Saturday) to V.P. Joe Biden. Hard to believe it was just a few short years ago that he was considered to be the politician most likely to embarrass himself by opening his mouth.

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Joe Paterno’s son Jay said Friday that while his world has turned “upside down” in the past two weeks, “We’ve got to make sure we keep focus on the victims of this whole tragedy.”

Uh, isn’t Jerry Sandusky saying there are no victims?

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Jon Huntsman appeared on SNL Saturday night, and was funny, self-deprecating, and articulate. On a night with Kermit the Frog and some Muppets on the show, Hunstman showed again why this Republican primary is calling for a rousing chorus of “One of these things is not like the other.”

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Newt Gingrich has apparently received millions from companies he has “advised” in Washington since leaving Congress. Well, since as a man with three wives Gingrich is defending traditional marriage, why can’t he also run as an insider who wants to reform Washington?

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Mitt Romney said this weekend – “I’m not looking for the next step in my political career. I don’t have a political career.” Paraphrased, “I’m blaming everything I supposedly said and did in Massachusetts on my evil twin.”

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It’s shaping up to be a great Sunday for football fans in Indianapolis – the Colts have a bye week.

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Finally tonight’s “bus to hell” comment courtesy of T.C. “NCAA announces plans for the 1st annual Churchill Downs Horseplayers Bowl: Penn St vs Syracuse.”

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Cardinal (barely) rules.

October 30, 2011

From USA Today about tonight’s Stanford-USC marathon: “It turned out to be messy and gut-wrenching, sloppy and dramatic, heroic and exhausting.” Yep, that just about summed it up. Went to a football game and it turned into game six of the World Series.

Stanford may not be completely happy about keeping their perfect record by escaping with a 56-48 overtime win over USC. On the other hand, fans of Kansas State and Clemson would gladly trade places with the Cardinal.

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Great sign at USC tailgate “Party like there’s no postseason.”

(as my friend Alex Schubert said, “they stole it from Wrigley Field.”)

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In the midst of a labor dispute, Qantas abruptly grounded its global fleet, and Australia’s government sought a court order to force the airline to fly. Said one official “I know is there is a better way to resolve these matters … than locking your customers out.” Really, who do Qantas management think they are? NBA owners?

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United Airlines is running ads saying to book Thanksgiving travel now to create happy family memories. Wonder if that means when they cancel flights you have an excuse not to be with your family.

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The NBA has now cancelled games through November 30. So now players have decisions to make, as to spending Thanksgiving with which one of their families.

(Augie says, “Or start new ones.”)

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Had a client from New York ask if a certain hotel in Hawaii would be full of children and Japanese tourists in January. Resisted the urge to respond, “Interesting, I’ve had families and foreigners ask if the hotel would be full of New Yorkers.”

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A Norwegian study found that people who have trouble getting a decent night’s sleep may also face a higher risk of heart attack. Great, one more thing to lie awake worrying about.

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God now wishes to deny rumors of His/Her being involved with the outcome of the World Series. She/He is focusing all attention right now on helping Tim Tebow.

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Stupidity knows no party boundaries: California Dem. Assemblywoman Mary Hayashi of Castro Valley has been charged with felony grand theft for allegedly shoplifting over $2,4000 worth of clothes from Neiman Marcus in San Francisco. Her spokesman said she had walked out “unintentionally” with the clothes. Well at least Hayashi didn’t claim it was “redistribution.”

(And these $2400 plus of clothes. A blouse, a skirt, and a pair of leather pants. Yep, you know she was at “Needless Markup.”)


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