Posted tagged ‘Spurs jokes’

The sounds of silence?

April 28, 2015

Due to the riots in Baltimore, tomorrow’s White Sox-Orioles game is closed to the public. So players on both teams will get a chance to see what it felt like to play in Montreal’s Olympic Stadium.

 

Hoping things calm down in Baltimore as much as anyone. But anyone but me think it’s a bit ironic that Ray Lewis has a video message out “Get off the streets. Violence is not the answer”?

 

 

So Donald Trump is back to attacking Obama, tweeting ‘Our great African American President hasn’t exactly had a positive impact on the thugs who are so happily and openly destroying Baltimore!’ And asking if “US taxpayers are expected to rebuilt it (the city) again?”

Funny that I don’t seem to remember the Donald’s similar outrage when U.S. taxpayers were expected to bail out the banks and Wall Street.

As much of a mess as things are in Baltimore, Maryland does have some very strict gun laws. Wonder how Americans would feel if many of those rioters were armed?

Why should men have all the fun? ‪#‎Cantfixstupid‬, female division. A California woman was arrested at her home less than half an hour after allegedly burglarizing a house in Palo Alto. Police were able to track her so quickly because she dropped her driver’s license during the burglary.

A YouTube user “TechRax” tested Apple’s new “Watch Sport” by dropping it from a height of about 3 1/2 feet. When it landed face-down the watch screen shattered. So Apple engineers are too young to remember the goal of “Takes a licking and keeps on ticking.”?

So for those people who want to get rid of “Hack-a-Shaq” because it’s not entertaining to watch, how do they feel about the intentional walk? Although if we really want to talk about breaking up the pace of games, how about TV time outs?

Corporate logic, grocery store division. A local Safeway is under-performing expectations so has few cashiers available at any given time. One reason people I know don’t go to the store – the check-out lines are too long.

Say it ain’t so. Suzanne Crough, 52, aka Tracy Partridge has passed away. It’s bad enough when the people you grew up watching on T.V. die. It’s worse when they are younger than you are.

Google’s head of human resources says the company’s oldest employee is “over 80.” Ah, he must be the one who helped design the driver-less car seen around campus with its left blinker on.

I was semi-joking about the DH and the SF Giants’ Madison Bumgarner, who likes to hit, yesterday. Today Madbum backs me up – and he’s serious. “I guarantee you. Some of the things you’re seeing in the American League wouldn’t happen if pitchers had to hit. They’d be a whole lot more polite.”

 

Bernie Sanders is running for President. And now Jon Stewart might be REALLY reconsidering retirement. ‪#‎Letthefunbegin‬!

 

Budweiser says it is removing a new slogan label on Bud Light that says “The perfect beer for removing ‘no’ from your vocabulary for the night.” Okay, the real question here is not who decided to remove the slogan, but who was idiotic enough to approve it in the first place? ‪#‎justsayno‬

 

 

The Rockets won their first playoff series since 2009. The Astros are in first place. Are we sure we’re not seeing signs of the apocalypse? ‪#‎Houstonwehaveaproblem‬?

#‎Spurs‬ win a close one at 1am ‪#‎SanAntonio‬ time. At that time of night most men their players’ age only get up to use the toilet. ‪#‎SAvsLA

 

From Bill Littlejohn: “The NFL is giving up its tax-exempt status.I supposed with all of the scandals coming to light, it can no later be classified as a religion”

And how many hours after the early bird special?

April 23, 2015

Impressive win by the Spurs tonight in OT against the Clippers in Los Angeles. Heck, impressive with the game ending after 10pm PT, midnight CT, that most of the team was up that much past their bedtimes.

Gregg Popovich used the “Hack a Jordan” strategy tonight in the win,  putting DeAndre Jordan at the line repeatedly.  Ugly, yes.  Fun to watch, no, fun for the Clippers, no. But there IS a solution, for Jordan and others – learn to shoot a bleeping free throw.

The Oklahoma City Thunder fired Scott Brooks today, after he had coached the team for seven years. Guess Brooks didn’t do a good enough job of making sure Durant and Westbrook didn’t get hurt?

Jameis Winston now says he didn’t steal the crab legs, but they were given to him by a Publix employee. as was a cake the week before. Uh, illegal benefits? Vacate the Seminoles wins! Or at the very least the NCAA should put USC on probation again.

Your tax dollars at work. Today the U.S. 9th Circuit Court of Appeals reversed Barry Bonds’ obstruction of justice conviction . Saying his vague grand jury answer was “not material to the government’s investigation into steroids distribution.” But hey, this decision itself can be appealed to the U.S. Supreme Court. More tax dollars!

Greg Hardy was suspended for 10 games by the NFL after he was found guilty of assaulting and threatening to kill a former girlfriend. If he’d actually killed her would the Cowboys’ new DE have been given 12 games?

Really, former Chicago Bears kicker Jay Feely said Tim Tebow is the worst QB he has even seen in his NFL career? With all due respect, Tebow might not have even been the worst QB Feely saw on the Bears.

A Carnival Cruise ship made it to Sydney Harbor 24 hours late after suffering some damage from 40-foot waves during a major storm. No reported injuries. But stand by anyway for the CNN mini-series.

Revenge for the 21st century:. When a Japanese woman discovered her boyfriend was cheating on her, she put his iMac, iPhone, iPad and accessories into the bath tub. And then sent him a picture. Even in drought-stricken California most women would say that’s a fine use of water.

(Andy D. says,  “The waterproof Android phones need this as their new commercial!”)

 

Mitt Romney’s son Josh has said, for now, that he won’t run for the Senate in 2016, but thinks he will run for office some day in the future. Isn’t it nice to know that we live in a meritocracy that isn’t led by family dynasties?

During a question and answer session at the White House today for “Take Your Daughters and Sons to Work Day, a little girl asked Michelle Obama how old she was, and when Michelle responded, “51,” the girl made a funny face, and said “You look too young.” Then repeated “You’re too young for a 51 year old!”

Wonder if the House hearing this, immediately called for a special investigation.

Oldies but goodies.

April 14, 2015

The San Antonio Spurs are playing so well down the stretch, the NBA may end up classifying Ensure as a PED.

Wow. Just wow. That mother who dangled her 2 year-old over a cheetah enclosure, and then accidentally dropped him has been placed on leave from her job. Which is, or rather was – assistant director of a Columbus, Ohio “Kindercare” childcare center. ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬ ‪#‎whythereisnosatire‬ ‪#‎NottheOnion‬

 

Will someone please tell the ‪#‎SFGiants‬ that the sign on the ATT Park grass is not spelled Opening Weak. ‪#‎OpeningWeek‬

 

The #‎SFGiants‬ are scoring like folks at an ‪#‎AARP‬ convention with a Viagra shortage.

The Chicago Cubs are offering a new “Mac and Cheetos” hot dog For all those fans who have decided maybe it’s not worth living to wait until next year.

Considering all the injuries this year so far ‪#‎SFGiants‬ home opener could have been worse. ‪#‎Madbum‬ could have fallen off the horse.

Billy Joel, 65, and his 33 year old girlfriend are apparently expecting a baby daughter. Stand by for a change from “Uptown Girl” to “Up-all-night Girl.” “And when she wakes up And makes up her mind…..”

Some educators in Atlanta are going to prison over illegally inflating test scores for students from struggling schools.  Idiots. If only they had just done it for athletes….

Bus to hell time. Can they transfer Lawrence Phillips to the same prison as Jerry Sandusky?

Carly Fiorina said in an interview on “Morning Joe” that Hillary Clinton, while an “inspiration to women”, doesn’t have a record of “accomplishments.” I guess Carly figures she knows accomplishment. How many women have gotten their companies to pay them $20 million to leave?

 

The top Republican and Democrat on the Senate Foreign Relations Committee said they have reached a bipartisan agreement on legislation that would allow Congress to review a final nuclear deal with Iran. What? Must be a joke. This sounds too rational

 

The San Antonio Express-News reports that Joan Cheever, a chef who has been feeding the city’s homeless for the past decade, was cited last night by police with a $2,000 ticket for serving food without a permit. She plans to argue in court that under the 1999 Texas Religious Freedom Restoration Act, she has a right to serve food to the homeless because she considers it a free exercise of her religion.

Okay, where are the defenders of Indiana and Religious Freedom on this one??!!

If President Obama wants to do something with that “sponsor of terrorism” label he took off Cuba a lot of women would have no problem if he put it on Saudi Arabia.

 

Jeremy Lin on the Lakers “I do think we’re headed in the right direction.” Well, if the goal is a lottery pick, yes indeed

 

The makers of “Kind” bars have been warned by the FDA because “the products do not meet the requirements” to say the bars are a “good source of fiber” with “low sodium” and “no trans fat.” Well, as if anyone expected to find wood chips in “cottage” cheese.

Here we go again. John Boehner today said Obama should re-engage U.S. combat troops in Iraq to fight ISIS. Is the Speaker volunteering to go over and lead them?

Hint to drivers: When a sign under a stop sign says “Cross traffic does not stop” it refers to the street your street is crossing.  All cars. Not a comment on cross i.e. angry drivers     ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬   #nearmiss #didnthavetimetobeawitnesss

 

From Marc Ragovin:   “Upon kicking off his presidential run, Marco Rubio said “Yesterday is over, and we are never going back.” He then unveiled a five minute commercial featuring him and a superimposed Ronald Reagan.”

Weekend dreaming?

August 2, 2014

A Michigan woman says a lion at a small private zoo bit off the tip of her finger when she tried to pet it. She is upset. But perhaps not as upset as the lion who thought it was getting some serious human sushi.


Life’s different in Colorado with legalized marijuana. Assume the Rockies are still hard at work trying to take advantage of this weekend’s trade deadline.


Not only did the Dallas Cowboys send season-ticket holders their regular tickets this week, but they also included playoff tickets, including one for the NFC championship game. Well, to be fair, maybe the team figured it was the only way their fans would ever see playoff tickets.

Bummer. That Mideast cease-fire lasted only about as long as the Cubs’ yearly pennant hopes.

Roger Goodell today said that what while domestic violence is “not acceptable” the NFL’s two-game suspension of Ray Rice, is “consistent” with other punishments issued by the league, partly due to it being Rice’s 1st offense. Wonder how many games Goodell would have given O.J. Simpson if his acquittal on murder charges had happened while “the Juice” was active.


SFGiants promoted Jarrett Parker & Matt Duffy from Double A to majors. Should fit right in, line-up has been hitting like Double-A team.


Matt Duffy has already had a more productive #SFGiants career than Dan Uggla. (A hit, a HBP, an RBI, and no errors.)-


Why the San Antonio Spurs will never be America’s Team. They just signed Tony Parker to a contract extension through 2017-18. Where’s the drama? Where’s the angst? Where’s the nonstop ESPN speculation?


Golf.com reports that the PGA Tour has suspended Dustin Johnson for six months for cocaine use. Who says there’s no way to get golf headlines from Tiger Woods?

The KC Royals’ Jeremy Guthrie had an ERA over 10 in his last four starts. Today he was masterful against Oakland in a 1 to 0 shutout. It’s as if the the As temporarily became the SF Giants.

 


Obama today said Putin is ‘ignoring’ Russia’s long-term interests. Maybe the Russian President is trying to be declared an honorary GOP member of Congress.


Two American humanitarian workers who caught Ebola while caring for patients in Liberia are being brought to Atlanta for treatment. And although the disease can only be passed by direct contact with bodily fluids, apparently many other Americans are freaking out on social media. Including Donald Trump, tweeting “KEEP THEM OUT OF HERE.” Ah, for the days that he was just ignorant about birth certificates.


Six people were injured in Palo Alto yesterday when a driver in his 90s hit the gas instead of the brake and accelerated into a local cafe. I wonder how many of those calling for tighter regulations for elderly drivers also believe the government has no business tightening regulations for gun owners.

Our short national nightmare is over.

June 19, 2014

#Facebook was down for about 30 minutes Thursday morning. The horror. Millions of people were limited to looking at their own cats.

British Prime Minister David Cameron gave Chinese premier Li Keqiang a signed copy of the shooting script for the first episode of Downton Abbey as a souvenir of Keqiang’s visit to the UK. Wonder how long it will take China to come up with a show knock-off?

And so it begins, Grover Norquist suggests renaming the Redskins the Washington Reagans, What, not the Gippers?

My friend Jeff suggests the Washington Blamers. With a logo of a lot of pointing fingers.

John Kerry, on Dick Cheney’s recent criticism of Obama. “This is the man who took us into Iraq saying this? Please.’ If Kerry had fought back like that against the “Swift boaters” he might have had a chance to be elected President.

Former Montana Governor Brian Schweitzer, who appears to be running more for a TV job than President, in an interview on Eric Cantor “If you were just a regular person, you turned on the TV, and you saw (him) talking, I would say—and I’m fine with gay people, that’s all right—but my gaydar is 60-70 percent.” Oh please, oh please, someone ask Schweitzer about Marcus Bachmann.

So the San Antonio Spurs have a dominating win in the NBA Finals and all the talk is about – what will Lebron and the Heat do next year? #Americalovestrainwrecks

Who says I never say anything nice about George W. Bush?. At least the former President hasn’t added his name to the GOP chorus criticizing Obama on Iraq.

Apparently Harrison Ford suffered a broken leg, not an injured ankle as previously reported, on the set of the latest “Star Wars” sequel. Good thing he wasn’t working on a remake of “They Shoot Horses, Don’t They?”

So what’s the difference in this year’s World Cup between Spain and England? About 24 hours.

England is now close to being out of the World Cup. To put this in perspective for Americans, it’s like the USA being eliminated in the first round of the Nathan’s hot dog eating contest.

In Wisconsin, prosecutors are alleged that Gov. Scott Walker was at the center of a nationwide “criminal scheme” with people like Karl Rove to illegally coordinate with outside conservative groups. If true, clearly this must be Obama’s fault.

New GOP majority leader Kevin McCarthy started a deli business with money he won in the lottery when he was 19. Makes sense. winning the lottery is one of the paths Republicans now figure poor people should use to get ahead.

KTVU achieved national infamy earlier this year over a prank involving alleged Asiana pilot names.  Monday night, a KTVU reporter doing a live story on a woman who was robbed in Oakland, CA left her purse in a nearby unlocked van.  And the purse, of course, was stolen. Hope no one tries to get her read the names of suspected thieves on the air.

(Susan Marie H. asks “Was the reporters name Dora Notloc, Norma Coach, Greta Klue, or Ima Stoopid?)

A seriously cool story.  Somewhere, Tony Gwynn is smiling. Good luck to Addison Reed.

http://msn.foxsports.com/arizona/story/d-backs-reed-quits-tobacco-out-of-respect-for-gwynn-061714

Not the Onion.

June 18, 2014

Texas Governor Rick Perry, interviewed for the NY Times Sunday Magazine, told a reporter “that he loves California, vacations in San Diego annually, visits the state about six times a year and might even move here in January when he’s done with his 14-year stint running Texas.” Where’s a border fence when you REALLY need one?

 

 

You really cannot make this sh*t up. “Rarely has a US president been so wrong about so much at the expense of so many” from an op-ed criticizing Obama’s handling of Iraq. By Dick Cheney

The US has captured a “key” Benghazi suspect. So just for a day, many in the GOP are saying “Forget Benghazi, let’s talk about Iraq.”

 

Tragic, really. Chris Bosh, talking about the Heat’s tough season. “There was no, like, genuine joy all the time. It seemed like work. It was a job the whole year.”

(My friend Jon Nedry says,  Nobody had the “do what you love” talk with him when he was younger?”)

 

Oakland starting pitcher Drew Pomeranz, who entered last night’s game with an ERA under 2, broke his right hand punching a chair last night after giving up 8 runs in a loss to the Texas Rangers. And the A’s are in first place. Imagine what Pomeranz might have done if he pitched for the Cubs.

 

Well, they’re consistent. Former GOP Rep. Allen West of Florida wrote today: “Squirrel! Benghazi suspect conveniently captured to deflect attention from all the other nightmares.” I suppose we only killed Bin Laden for the same reason.

 

San Antonio’s Tony Parker -“I think everybody’s gonna come back.” Chairman Peter Holt -“Tim and Manu want to play until they die, somewhat sincerely, actually.” And Brett Favre just went out and bought a Spurs jersey.

Who needs reality television? In Louisiana, congressman Vance McAllister, who ran on a family values platform and was caught making out on tape with a married staffer, said he wouldn’t run again. But now he is “leaning towards” changing his mind. And one of his declared opponents, Zash Dasher, is the nephew of Duck Dynasty’s Phil Robertson….. This all must be the fault of gay marriage.

 

Rep. Lou Barletta (R-Pa.) said yesterday that the House “probably” has the votes to impeach President Barack Obama if the matter was brought to the floor. Well, it would be a change from the votes to repeal Obamacare.

A lot of excited new U.S. soccer fans have a question after yesterday’s big win over Ghana. So is this World Cup thing 3 out of 5 or 4 out of 7?

 

While celebrating the #USA win over #Ghana, maybe millions of Americans could take the time to find Ghana on a map. #Geography. #WorldCup

 

 

In California, lawmakers today rejected a bill that would have put a label on sugared sodas, energy drinks and fruit drinks saying “STATE OF CALIFORNIA SAFETY WARNING: Drinking beverages with added sugar(s) contributes to obesity, diabetes, and tooth decay.” Gosh, because now people think they are drinking that stuff for their health?

Rick Perry, saying he’s “preparing” for 2016 and trying to step away from his comments on gays last week ““Actually it was a pure economic message in San Francisco until a question from the audience.” Well okay then. Because as a candidate for president he’ll never get sidetracked by questions…

A Senate panel today slammed Dr. Oz for his claims for “miracle” weight loss products – “The scientific community is almost monolithically against you.”. Guessing Dr. Oz will soon demand the hearing be transferred to the GOP-led House.

 

Well, it doesn’t just happen to the little people. This tweet today “Hey @united landed in Dublin yesterday morning from Newark and still no golf clubs… Sort of need them this week… Can someone help!?” The tweet? Rory McIlroy. And he needs them for the Irish Open….

 

The Heat is Gone

June 16, 2014

#SanAntonioSpurs win the #NBA championship with a team comprised largely of immigrants. I blame Obama.

Apparently tonight this IS a country for old men. #Spurs

Chris Bosh “Plain and simple, we’re going to win tonight. Asked if he was guaranteeing a victory, Bosh said: “I don’t care about guarantees. We’re just going to win the game.” If it’s as simple as a prediction wonder why Bosh didn’t say this before games 3 and 4..

(and Chris Boch, you’re no Joe Namath.)

Sunday was Father’s Day. Time to call dad. And for those whose fathers are in the NBA. Hope they called early so they didn’t get a busy signal.

 

QB Vince Young announced his retirement from the NFL. Shocking. Vince Young hadn’t already retired?

Before this week wonder how many people outside of Northern California #StMarys and San Antonio #Spurs had ever heard of Patty Mills?

Relative unknown Martin Kaymer won the U.S. Open by 9 shots.  And now doubt tournament thought that after Tiger Woods pulled out, that having Phil Mickelson struggle was the worst thing that could happen to their TV ratings.

 

On Friday, #BaseballTonight asked if SF was a lock to win the NL West. Maybe it was better when ESPN was ignoring them. #SFGiants.

Obama granted Republican Pennsylvania Gov. Tom Corbett’s request to end the Philadelphia area transit strike, by creating a presidential emergency board to mediate the dispute. Waiting to see how the rest of the GOP spins this as wrong.

Casey Kasem, 82, has passed away. He entertained Americans for years on radio with his countdown of the top 40 singles of the week . Many young people may ask “Casey who?”. Still more are asking “What’s a single?”

 

 

Commercials on ESPN for the USA team in the #WorldCup.”It’s the ‘Group of Death”, only two will come out alive.” Well, yeah, because only two come out of ANY group. Including “Groups of Life?”

 

 

 

French World Cup coach Didier Deschamp said he thinks his team is being spied upon by drones. Well, it’s as least as plausible as the next World Cup having been awarded to Qatar


Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 282 other followers