Posted tagged ‘SF Giants jokes’
May 23, 2013
An 80-year-old Japanese man became the oldest person to reach the top of Mount Everest on Thursday. And what were his first words at the top? Presumably “You punks get off my mountain.”
Wonder if he did the whole ascent with his right blinker on?
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And a few comments about a Fleetwood Mac concert tonight in San Jose:
One reason to go to a Fleetwood Mac these days, – looking around at the crowd and feeling reasonably young by comparison.
(As my friend Gil says, “want to feel really young, check out the stage.)
-The Fleetwood Mac demographic actually works very well indoors. Up in the cheap seats where all the air rises, it’s not only a concert, it’s a free glaucoma treatment.
Another advantage to the cheap seats, you can’t see how old the band really is.
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So yesterday San Francisco was thrilled to win the right to host the 2016 Super Bowl. Have to assume the first protests against the game started today.
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Twit alert. A British 20 year old was suspended from her job after tweeting “Definitely knocked a cyclist off his bike earlier – I have right of way he doesn’t even pay road tax #bloodycyclists.” And her perhaps former job…. she was a trainee solicitor(lawyer.)
Phil Jackson says now that when the Los Angeles Lakers told him they were hiring Mike D’Antoni instead of him he just laughed. Does kind of make you wonder how the team ever managed to fit Phil and Kobe’s egos in the same locker room.
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The NY Yankees have partnered with Manchester City to buy a NY soccer team that will start competing in MLS in 2015. Does this mean we’ll finally have a soccer team that gets coverage on ESPN?
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So rumors are that Aroldis Chapman may have blown a save Sunday because someone gave the Reds’ star closer 100 Cuban pastries, and he ate 18 of them before the game. This wouldn’t happen in SF. For Pablo Sandoval, 18 pastries would be PEDs.
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There’s light at the end of the tunnel. As of May 21, we are now definitely within a month of the end of the NBA playoffs. And no doubt about six weeks from the beginning of the 2013-14 preseason.
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Nationals’ closer Soriano complained about Bryce Harper Tuesday night in the 9th – ” “With 2 outs & the tying run at 1st, you have to play the outfield so the ball doesn’t go over your head.” SF Giants will take it but how about “with 2 outs & tying run at 1st you have not to throw a fat pitch with an 0-2 count.”
NY Jets rookie QB Geno Smith has hired Jay Z’s agency Roc Nation as his agent. Well, this ought to dispel the increasing sense that Smith is an image conscious diva.
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Haven’t really followed the Jodi Arias trial, but I see that Arias is now pleading that she not get the death penalty because she could start a book club in prison and donate her hair to sick kids. Can’t imagine how the jurors found her self-centered and insensitive enough to commit 1st degree murder….
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And just a nice story for a change:
http://www.upi.com/blog/2013/05/22/Helen-Mirren-dresses-as-Queen-has-tea-with-dying-boy/8901369238109/
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Everest jokes, fleetwood mac jokes, Janice Hough, Pablo Sandoval jokes, SF Giants jokes
Comments: Be the first to comment
May 6, 2013
The Los Angeles #Dodgers are getting such poor results for $$ spent in 2013, there’s talk of renaming the team the Los Angeles Congress.
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Matt Cain didn’t get his first win until today, May 5, and Giants’ starting pitchers got their first win since April 21. Wonder how many people hearing those stats would imagine that SF would be in first place with a six-game winning streak….
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ESPN showing Pablo Sandoval’s “hot” batting zones: Looks like some sort of random modern art painting.
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Yet another injury. NY SS Eduardo Nunez left today’s game with tightness in his left rib cage. Are the Yankees trying to compete with the Dodgers is some bizarre game of Baseball Survivor?
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Proving once again, that a high IQ and education are not mutually exclusive with stupidity: Harvard professor Niall Ferguson suggested in remarks after a speech that John Maynard Keynes’ being homosexual and not having children meant he wasn’t as invested in future generations as others might be.
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Air India has suspended a pilot and two flight attendants after reports that the pilot and co-pilot left the cockpit at the same time for a nap and left the flight attendants in their seats. Guess this is going to put a damper on those cockpit happy hours.
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Still controversy over where to bury the dead Boston bomber. Suppose it would be un-PC to suggest his body be placed in a pressure cooker with explosives and blown up somewhere off the coast of Massachusetts.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: baseball jokes, Congress jokes, Dodgers jokes, Janice Hough, SF Giants jokes
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April 10, 2013
If the National League had the DH, SF Giants fans wouldn’t now be enjoying the great slugging run of Barry Zito, currently batting .750 with three sacrifice bunts.
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Zito’s doing so well, MLB was about to check him for PEDs…. Until they noticed the radar gun and that 70mph fastball…
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Okay, it’s early, as of this afternoon 9 days into the season, the SF Giants’ Barry Zito has as many hits as the LA Dodgers’ Matt Kemp. (3. Though Kemp got 2 tonight. Zito also only has 1 less than Josh Hamilton.)
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A University of California, Davis professor said in a presentation today that we need more research on hangovers. Sounds like the SEC has a new potential project for their football student-athletes.
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MSN reports that Carnival Cruise Lines has slashed prices for some inside cabins to $38 a night per person, barely more than the cost of a Motel 6. But of course at Motel 6 they promise to leave the light on for you.
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Taco Bell says they are going to provide “balanced food choices.” And that by 2020, 20 % of their combo meals will meet nutritional guidelines for calories and fat set out by the federal government. Which should thrill Taco Bell customers who care about that sort of thing. Both of them.
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Notre Dame QB Gunner Kiel says he is transferring to Cincinnati. In high school Kiel committed to Indiana and then LSU, before he finally ended up at Notre Dame. But now Gunner, who wants to start, is leaving the Fighting Irish because they won’t commit to him.
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Amazing, the same people who don’t think ANYONE should have a background check to buy a gun don’t want to let a sexually-active 17 year old girl buy her own birth control….
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Really? – Joe Paterno’s widow Sue, speaking at a child-abuse prevention program, says she and her husband had no idea that Jerry Sandusky was a sexual predator. Isn’t having a Paterno speak about child-abuse like having Mike Rice speak on anger-management?
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And we think Americans are harsh towards politicians. In England, while many mourn Maggie Thatcher’s death, a Facebook campaign, called “Make Ding Dong! The Witch Is Dead number one the week Thatcher dies”, has the Wizard of Oz song up to #3 with over 10,000 downloads in two days.
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Ouch. Poor Karen Carpenter is dead, but if not that American Idol performance from Lazaro might have killed her.
(on the other hand, Candice Glover’s “Lovesong” on Youtube is worth 4 minutes of your time, IMHO.)
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The #MiamiHeat beat the Washington Wizards 103-98 with James, Wade and Bosh sitting out. So will David Stern fine them anyway?
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Police said a Northern California woman used a stun gun today to break up a fight over a seat aboard a BART train. Cool, wonder how she is on obnoxious cellphone users…
The Washington Nationals’ game was delayed 20 minutes tonight because the umpiring crew was stuck in traffic. I blame Obama.
From Bill Littlejohn: The Fenway Park sellout streak ends at 820. Many Sox fans feel that the most signifigant sellout during the streak was when Damon signed with the Yankees”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: American Idol jokes, Barry Zito jokes, Janice Hough, SF Giants jokes, sports jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
April 5, 2013
SF Giants are 3-1. Despite having fewer team RBI’s than the Orioles’ Chris Davis.
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It’s an axiom that there’s no such thing as bad publicity. But a week ago, most people didn’t even know Rutgers had a men’s basketball team.
Two most common reactions around the NCAA to the Rutgers basketball scandal. 1. That’s awful, how could they allow this to happen? 2. Burn the tapes.
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Anyone but me find it a little ironic that ESPN is talking about Mike Rice and then switching to a Final Four preview featuring Bobby Knight?
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Powerball tickets will be sold in California on Monday. All this uproar about taxation and no one complains about another stupidity tax.
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The city of Chicago and Cubs owners are apparently close to a $500 million deal to renovate Wrigley Field. Many Chicagoans wish the team would spend $500 million to renovate the Cubs.
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Brendon Ayanbadejo told the Baltimore Sun there are four current NFL players who are considering coming out as gay together. So are they working on coordinating outfits?
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Pretty dominating performance by Barry Zito today. Especially considered that even Jamie Moyer was thinking “dude is throwing SLOW.”
From my friend Max McDuh watching today’s SF Giants game with St. Louis Cardinals broadcasters. In the middle innings the play by play asked color guy: “Third time through against Zito, what advice would you give Cardinals hitters?”
“Close your eyes, count to three, open your eyes again, pick up the ball and swing.”
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Democratic Senators Heidi Heitkamp (N.D.) and Joe Donnelly (Ind.), announced their support for gay marriage. Good news for those who have Mark Pryor (Ark.), Joe Manchin (W.Va.), Mary Landrieu (La.) or Tim Johnson (S.D.) in the pool.
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The $240 million New York Yankees are 1 and 3. With this kind of money to performance ratio they could be renamed the New York Congress.
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A NY judge overturned a 2011 FDA decision to require a prescription for the morning after pill for girls under 17, saying it must be available to people of any age. Some are decrying this loss of parental control. Thinking if a girl needs the pill, she’s a bit past that point.
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So let’s see, the 2010 BCS Champion Auburn Tigers allegedly had 12 players fail tests for synthetic marijuana, some had their grades changed, and others were paid not to have left early for the NFL draft. Other than that, Auburn appears to have been running a clean program.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes
Tags: janice hough jokes, Mike Rice jokes, Rutgers basketball jokes, Rutgers jokes, SF Giants jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
November 8, 2012
So when the World Champion SF Giants and President Barack Obama meet in 2013 at the White House, will both be thinking “Didn’t expect to see you here again.”?
Serious meltdown from a disappointed Karl Rove last night over the election. At least he isn’t a Lakers fan.
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Mark McGwire will be the Los Angeles Dodgers’ next hitting coach. I guess this is the end of L.A. fans taunting the S.F. Giants about their association with PEDs and Barry Bonds?
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Some things never change. Florida is heading for a recount. Take all the time ya’ll want this year….
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Not that it matters nearly as much as in 2000. But if the Supreme Court is going to end up giving Florida’s electoral votes to the GOP, can they announce it now and save the state a lot of recount money?
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Get the sense Mitt Romney won’t be campaigning for Chris Christie’s re-election next year? The New Jersey governor is bristling at suggestions he cost Romney the White House with his praise for Obama and when asked what went wrong for Mitt replied “He didn’t get enough votes.”
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The law of unintended consequences. Does the legalization of recreational marijuana in Colorado and Washington mean a huge advantage for free agent recruiting with the Rockies, Mariners, Nuggets, Broncos and Seahawks?
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Former Texas football coach Darrell Royal, 88, has died. Will always remember the story when the Longhorns were way down at halftime and players expected a blistering speech. Allegedly Royal never came into the locker room, until the bell rang, when he stuck his head in and said “Well, girls, shall we go?” Texas won the game.
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Colorado and Washington legalized recreational marijuana last night. Well, it’s high time!
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Puerto Rico last night backed a referendum calling for U.S. statehood. Wonder how many Americans wouldn’t mind exchanging them for Florida?
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Well after the election we can all get back to a little Yankee bashing since in 2013 New York will once again have the highest payroll in baseball….. Uh wait a minute, scratch that. Your turn, Dodgers.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes
Tags: election jokes, Florida jokes, SF Giants jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
October 29, 2012
What was this stupid game played by men in tights on TV Monday night and where is my baseball?
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Oops, technology. Just got an email from Stubhub this morning “San Francisco Giants Postseason Tickets in a Flash – Head to StubHub.com. We wanted to give you a heads up that seats are still available.” Well, no doubt game 6 and 7 tickets are cheap…..
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Over 5 million are now without power. 5,000,050 if you count the New York Yankees and Detroit Tigers.
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Pablo Sandoval, World Series MVP?! So does this mean tacos may be declared a PED?
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Hmm, used this joke Saturday, and Jay Leno used almost the same one tonight. ” Detroit looking like their only hope is to ask President Obama for a bailout.” (But of course they still don’t think they need any female freelancers.)
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A line going around the internet (don’t know who wrote it) is that they should have renamed the storm Hurricane A-Rod, then it wouldn’t have hit anyone.
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So much for the country pulling together: The Fed. Govt. is closed for at least 2 days, which may delay the Oct. jobs report. Iowa GOP Rep. Chuck Grassley tweets “Labor Dept says may release latest Unemployment figures until after election. Par for course. Why release something might hurt Obama elect?” Right, clearly the President conjured up Sandy for this purpose.
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Chris Christie is praising President Obama for his response so far to Hurricane Sandy. Nice bipartisan statement. And makes sense – I am sure Christie would rather run against Hillary, Biden or Cuomo in 2016 rather than an incumbent Romney.
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N.J. Gov. Chris Christie said evacuations are no longer possible, and rescuers won’t be sent out “until daylight tomorrow.” Translation – “Okay idiots, we’ll pick you or your bodies up in the morning.”
(Added Nick Coombs, “Attention New Jersey residents. In case of emergency your governor may be used as a floatation device.)
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The HMS Bounty, built as a replica tall ship to be used in movies, has sunk off the N.C. coast. Tragic for the two missing crew members but going out in hurricane conditions had to be the dumbest decision since Captain Bligh figured he could handle an angry Fletcher Christian.
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49ers fans were glad that their Monday Night Football game was played in Arizona and thus avoided a Hurricane Sandy postponement. New York Jets fans are just wishing Sandy had shown up yesterday morning.
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For anyone who doesn’t believe in voodoo, this from ESPN: 
“Oct. 9 in Cincinnati. Giants trailed, 2 games to 0 in NLDS. And then, with their entire season on the line, they picked THAT night to get no-hit into the 6th, to get 1 hit in the first 9 innings, to strike out 16 times — and they WON. In extra innings. On an unearned run.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: baseball jokes, Hurricane Sandy jokes, Janice Hough, Sandy jokes, SF Giants jokes, voodoo jokes, World Series jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
October 29, 2012
Timing is everything: Tonight marks the SF Giants first seven game winning streak of 2012.
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The San Francisco Giants are World Series champions in four games. I blame Obama.
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New York Yankees are trying to figure out how to buy San Francisco.
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Last thought for the night: San Francisco Giants fans are not going to wake up tomorrow and find this is all an episode of “Newhart”, are we?
The Cincinnati Enquirer endorsed Mitt Romeny, citing his past moderate record in Massachusettes, saying “Romney as president should stay true to who he is.” Uh, this assumes that at this point Mitt actually KNOWS who he is?”
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Guessing Mitt Romney is not going to take this week to reiterate his GOP debate pledge to shutter FEMA: “Every time you have an occasion to take something from the federal government and send it back to the states, that’s the right direction. And if you can go even further, and send it back to the private sector, that’s even better. “
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One silver lining that many weary Americans are finding from Hurricane Sandy: Both Romney and Obama have cancelled campaign appearances.
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And in New York, the everyone is of course hoping for the best with the storm. On the other hand, Sandy may assure that neither the Yankees nor the Jets are the biggest disaster for October.
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New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft said London, England, is ready for their own professional NFL team. Well, that lets out sending them the Jaguars.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Janice Hough, SF Giants jokes, World Series jokes
Comments: 5 Comments
October 25, 2012
Even Kirk Gibson watching Pablo Sandoval tonight in Game 1 of the World Series had to be saying “”I don’t believe what I just saw.”.
After facing Barry Zito, the Detroit Tigers may protest game 1: They didn’t think it was legal for a non-knuckleball pitcher to throw that slowly.
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But who knew? Barry Zito - RBI machine.
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Gaylord Perry threw out ceremonial first pitch for SF Giants tonight. Wonder how long it took Sergio Romo to wash his hands afterwards?
Moral victory for Jose Valverde: He kept Panda in the park.
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Could it get any better for SF Giants fans? The team is in the World Series, and today comes the rumor from a Southern California radio station that the LA Dodgers are interested in A-Rod.
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Former Red Sox manager Bobby Valentine has now said that David Ortiz sidelined himself in Sept. not because of his Achilles injury, but because he knew the team was out of the playoffs after they traded with the Dodgers. Looking like Boston was out of the playoffs as soon as they signed Bobby V.
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Here we go again. Donald Trump has offered to donate $5 million to charity if President Obama releases his college records and applications and passport records and applications. Really? How about all that money Larry Flynt has offered for Mitt’s tax returns?
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Wonder how much might be donated to charity if Donald Trump would release information on where that furry thing that lives on his head was born?
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President Obama on the Tonight Show about the origins of his problems with Donald Trump: “This all dates back to when we were growing up in Kenya….” (Note to my GOP friends, it was a JOKE.)
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Even Sarah Palin is beginning to think Donald Trump is a media whore.
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My sense is that Ambassador Stevens would be sickened by all this politicizing of his death. But today some conservative media are headlining that the U.S was advised two hours after the attack that an Islamic militant group had claimed credit. Yo, with most attacks SEVERAL groups initially claim credit.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Donald Trump jokes, Pablo Sandoval jokes, SF Giants jokes, World Series jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
October 23, 2012
Actually there is a National League championship ring. Though the SF Giants have hopes for another one.
I guess down 3 to 1 the Giants really did have the Cardinals right where they wanted them.
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The ninth inning of Monday’s NLCS game was played in a serious downpour. Could have been tears from Fox executives thinking about the ratings for a San Francisco-Detroit World Series?
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Why baseball is better than politics: Tonight no spin doctors were required to say who won.
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But good thing tonight’s debate was not a town hall. Someone might have asked President Obama about his being born in the foreign country of Hawaii.
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A Brooklyn man has been charged with running brothels in New York’s Financial District and midtown, catering to men on Wall Street, and charging $260 an hour. Guess $260 an hour was a cheaper option in NY than drinks and dinner?
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Lance Armstrong has now vacated so many wins he’s become cycling’s John Calipari.
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The BBC is facing major criticism over a potential coverup on a story about Sir Jimmy Saville, a popular children’s TV entertainer who died last year, but who now allegedly abused over 200 children. Who does the BBC think they are? The Catholic Church? Or Penn State?
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NY Jets fans are upset because they think the clock operator gave the NE Patriots an extra second before the 2 minute warning yesterday, allowing Tom Brady more time to drive for a game-tying field goal. Oakland Raider fans have a brief response: “Tuck rule. STFU.”
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Just a thought about the Lance Armstrong situation. Yes, it’s kind of pathetic at this point. But did we really think, that in a time when almost everyone in cycling was doping, that a cancer survivor was so much better than them all, and still clean?
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Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: debate jokes, Lance Armstrong jokes, playoff jokes, SF Giants jokes
Comments: 6 Comments
October 21, 2012
Immovable force meeting irresistible object? The SF Giants have won 5 straight games facing elimination this postseason, the Cardinals have won their last 6 dating back to 2011.
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Hmm, maybe too much time in water really does soak your brain dept: On College Game Day today, Olympic gold-medal winning swimmer Ryan Lochte was asked who would win the LSU-Texas A&M game: “I think they’re gonna end their six-game losing streak in the SEC — gonna have to go with Auburn.”
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Once again, as we approach game seven of NLCS interesting to remember that an ESPN poll said 68 percent of Americans figured the SF Giants wouldn’t make the playoffs after Melky Cabrera was suspended.
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GOP strategist Marc Rotterman complained that the “presidential election unofficially started back in the fall of 2011, a schedule that is absurd.” Is he crazy? The election didn’t start in the fall of 2011. It started the day after Obama was elected.
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So who’d a think that right this minute, Barry Zito’s contract would look better than A-Rod’s?
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Big Game between Stanford and Cal was played on. October 20. Because nothing says a big rivalry game like playing it when it’s convenient for the Pac 12 Network.
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Post Big-Game thought: Cal is apparently so bad this year that Stanford can win without a quarterback.
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Residents of South New Jersey apparently felt the ground shaking Saturday morning, but no earthquakes or military training exercises were reported in the region. Maybe Chris Christie has taken up jogging?
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The NFL is investigating the San Diego Chargers for possibly using an illegal “Stick ‘em” substance on their hands. I guess I understand the idea of cheating to be great, but cheating to be mediocre?
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“It does not take any courage at all for a congressman, or a senator, or a president to wrap himself in the flag… because it is not our blood that is being shed.” George McGovern, 1970.
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Some in GOP are trying to make political hay out of the fact that a man who lives near London was able to make two $5 donations to President Obama’s campaign, by using his English address but a NY zip code. Right, where was this outrage when Romney had an expensive fundraiser in Tel Aviv?
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Former Red Sox pitching coach John Farrell is returning to the team as their new manager. To accomplish this, Boston had to trade infielder Mike Aviles to the Blue Jays, and presumably promise Farrell they were never bringing back Josh Beckett.
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Yankees GM manager Brian Cashman today called a trade of Alex Rodriguez “unrealistic.” Translation, we don’t think even the Dodgers are crazy enough to take him.
If the Giants keep winning the Yankees may try to extradite them back to New York and take the team over.
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Finally, if you have three minutes check out this link sent to me by my friend Andy Dwan. Watch it until the end.
http://gawker.com/5953357/missouri-pastors-fiery-speech-against-equal-rights-for-homosexuals-has-stunning-twist-ending
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes
Tags: Big Game jokes, Janice Hough, NLCS jokes, SF Giants jokes, Yankees jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
October 19, 2012
So the torture continues until at least Game 6 of the NLCS, thanks to Barry Zito. Should the postseason video be titled “50 Shades of Orange?”
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Okay, who would have made the bet in Las Vegas that Barry Zito started NLCS Game 5 with 7 2/3 scoreless innings tonight? Now all you liars put your hands down.
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Even Jamie Moyer is thinking “I can’t believe Barry Zito is getting the Cardinals out with that junk.”
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A little “inside baseball” for SF Giants fans - Well, contrary to previous popular belief, Buster Posey can apparently catch Barry Zito.
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Honestly thought that Fox has said more positive things about President Obama than they have about the SF Giants before game five. They thought this series was over.
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And so what time is that Yankees game tomorrow?
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Just a question for Romney fans, if Mitt thinks he’s going to be so much better – and somehow different – from George W. Bush, why didn’t he emulate his former rival Ted Kennedy and challenge the President in the primary?
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“Big Tex” the giant metal cowboy who’s greeted visitors to the Texas State Fair for 60 years, was destroyed by fire today. Devastated Texans nonetheless know that big inanimate objects can come back – witness Arnold Schwarzenegger.
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According to the NY Daily News, a Yankee player said that hostile fans at Yankee Stadium affected the team in the ALCS. “A lot of guys were talking about it in the clubhouse. I was surprised by how much it bothered them. I really don’t think they ever recovered.” Gosh. Good thing the stands weren’t really full then.
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Another graduate of the Todd Akin school of science: Illinois Congressman Joe Walsh told reporters it’s “absolutely” never necessary for an abortion to save the life of a mother. “With modern technology and science, you can’t find one instance .. There is no such exception as life of the mother, and as far as health of the mother, same thing.”
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Oops. Did some idiot spray Big Tex? From the AP: “The maker of Banana Boat sunscreen is recalling some half-million bottles of spray-on lotion after reports that a handful of people have caught on fire after applying the product and coming in contact with an open flame.”
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Fidel Castro is reportedly in a “vegetative state” after a stroke. Insert tasteless Ronald Reagan joke here:
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: #Rallyzito, Big Tex jokes, Castro jokes, NLCS jokes, Romney jokes, SF Giants jokes, yankee jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
October 16, 2012
Before tonight, SF Giants were doing so poorly at home during the playoffs the team had to be thinking a solution might be to sacrifice a chicken. Except that in San Francisco they’d get an immediate protest from PETA.
Grateful Dead members Bob Weir and Phil Lesh sing National Anthem in San Francisco tonight. Well, that ought to dispel image of SF Giants as a commie pinko team.
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The author of “Rich Dad, Poor Dad” has just filed for corporate bankruptcy. But apparently it won’t affect his personal assets as it’s just one of the companies he conducts his business through. Wonder if this is covered in the chapter on personal responsibility?
(my sister suggests that ” Maybe middle-class kids should incorporate before they attend college?”)
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Paul Ryan is taking some heat for showing up at an Ohio soup kitchen for a photo op, and pretending to wash clean dishes. Mitt Romney wouldn’t make that mistakes – he knows dishes get given to staff to put in the dishwasher.
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Meanwhile, fans of instant replay in baseball may have gotten a big boost Sunday night in terms of motivating Bud Selig to expand it. – Since a blown call went against the Yankees.
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The Koch Brothers sent 45,000 Georgia-Pacific employees a newsletter telling them to vote for Mitt Romney, warning that they will “suffer the consequences” if they vote the wrong way. Have these multi-billionaires ever considered spending the millions they are spending for the election on something productive for the country?
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American Airlines says that statistics show their performance is improving. Presumably because you can’t fall off the floor, or rather tarmac.
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The first BCS rankings are out. And a pair of SEC schools, Alabama and Florida, are 1-2. “I’m shocked”, said absolutely nobody.
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A seven game series can last a long time. But even the possibility of a Giants Tigers World Series has to make Fox about as happy as Obama being re-elected.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: playoffs jokes, Rich Dad Poor Dad jokes, SF Giants jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
October 12, 2012
For anyone who’s been thinking nostalgically about Will Clarks’s 1987 “I’ve been waiting for this since I was an f**king amateur.”
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/10/11/tim-lincecum_n_1959995.html
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And anyone who had a very unproductive few hours at work following the Giants-Reds game already knows this. But for the uninitiated – torture is back.
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SF Giants today became the first team in Major League Baseball history to win a best of five playoff series after losing the first two at home. So ESPN focuses Sportcenter on … Thursday Night Football, Dale Earnhardt, Jr, and of course, the Yankees.
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Tonight’s Orioles-Yankees game finished up in 13th inning in New York, over four hours since the first pitch. Normally the only games that last this long in New York are 9 inning Red Sox-Yankees games.
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All this hype about the importance of winning tonight’s running mate debate. Yeah, it made such a difference to Vice President Lloyd Bentsen.
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An initial CNN focus group report said that 32% thought Biden won, 32% thought Ryan won, and 35% thought it was a draw. But 80% after watching Joe said – “I’ll have what he’s having.”
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Paul Ryan danced around an abortion question so carefully, he may be invited to compete on the next DWTS.
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Damn, if Joe Biden ever gets tired of this political stuff he has an endorsement contract waiting with 5-Hour Energy.
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Maybe before the next debate President Obama should practice against Joe Biden instead of John Kerry. No one will ever accuse Biden of being too polite.
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James Young, the #5 basketball recruit in the country, says he’s going to Kentucky, adding “I’m not just looking for the NBA. I’m looking for an education and a national championship and that’s about it.” Well, two out of three ain’t bad.
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Ah perspective. Texas Rangers CEO Nolan Ryan, discussing the end of the season, said the timing of Josh Hamilton’s decision to quit smokeless tobacco this summer “couldn’t have been worse.” Uh, is there ever a bad time to quit chewing tobacco?
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How did this guy ever get the reputation for being out of touch? Mitt Romney today: “We don’t have people that become ill, who die in their apartment because they don’t have insurance.”
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From Marc Ragovin: “I’m not saying Mitt Romney is loaded, but he just bought one of his granddaughters a Barbie’ S Dream House with its own car elevator.”
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Somewhere Lloyd Bentsen is thinking: “I knew Jim Lehrer, Jim Lehrer was a friend of mine, Martha Raddatz, you’re no Jim Lehrer. – Thank God.”
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Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: debate jokes, ESPN jokes, Janice Hough, playoff jokes, SF Giants jokes
Comments: 5 Comments
October 10, 2012
The San Francisco Giants came into game three of the NLDS hitting .143 as a team for the postseason. And their batting average tonight went DOWN. (3 for 32.) And they didn’t have a hit with a runner in scoring position. And they won 2-1.
Not only does good pitching beat good hitting, good pitching (and bad opposition fielding) bails out awful hitting.
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This is the weirdest survival story with no hits since Taylor Hicks.
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Normally when a team wins with as little offense as the SF Giants displayed tonight, penalty kicks are involved.
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Heck, President Obama got more hits on Mitt Romney last Wednesday than the SF Giants have gotten so far this postseason.
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Maybe not exactly the headline they were hoping for. Stacey Dash has come out supporting the GOP Presidential ticket. And the headline reads “Clueless star supporting Romney.”‘
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A dance instructor has been arrested and charged with running a prostitution business out of her studio in Kennebuckport, Maine, where the Bush family has their summer compound. Can we call it a “trickle-down/economic stimulus?”
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A UC Berkeley policeman is recovering in the hospital with non-life threatening injuries after accidentally shooting himself in the leg. If he doesn’t make it back on the force maybe he can audition for a tryout with the NY Jets as a wide receiver?
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Biggest problem with Jerry Sandusky’s 30 to 60 year prison sentence? It didn’t start 30 years earlier.
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According to a L.A. Daily News columnist, when USC WR Robert Wood took a shot to the head last week, he had to answer 3 questions before returning: 1. Who is the current president? 2. What is today’s date? 3. What is 100 minus seven, minus seven, minus seven? Wow, those questions could bench half the players in the SEC.
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Katy Perry and John Mayer have broken up, again. Even Brett Favre is saying “kids, make up your minds.”
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Fully expect numbers to bounce all over the place between now and November 6. But really, all this hype over people who have enough time on their hands that they don’t hang up on pollsters?
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Now the political hype switches to the V.P. debate. Where a win is so critically important. Just ask Vice President Lloyd Bentsen.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: college football jokes, election jokes, polling jokes, Reds jokes, Romney jokes, SF Giants jokes
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September 20, 2012
You’re already too late to get in line for the new iPhone 5. Although the iPhone 4S is not even a year old. Wonder how many people who stayed up all night kept hearing Siri say “You idiot, go home to sleep”
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A spat between two female flight attendants on an American Eagle flight at JFK got so heated the pilots decided to return to the gate for a new crew. For future, wonder if the airline is considering rescheduling the women, adding onboard mud and charging for inflight entertainment.
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Ann Romney today fired back at the media and critics of her husband: “Stop it. This is hard. You want to try it? Get in the ring.” Nothing personal against Ann, but what does she think being in the White House would be like?
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So have to wonder, if Matt Kemp had been suspended last month, would the Dodgers be leading the NL West?
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Bruce Springsteen has purchased an Olympic gold medal winning horse for this daughter. Does this mean “the Boss” is thinking of running for office?
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The first college football playoff hasn’t even started and commissioners are considering adding another game to be part of the semifinal rotation. Translation, the SEC wants more guaranteed games.
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This bus to hell moment brought to you by my friend Jim Barach. “A California man is being accused of murdering his wife by slow cooking her. His attorney says the charges are a crock.”
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Wal-mart says they are phasing out the sale of Kindles. Guess it’s hard when your target customers don’t read.
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New Arkansas coach John L. Smith has filed for bankruptcy, declaring $25.7 million in debt. $25.7 million?!! So after coaching is Smith considering a run for Congress?
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Mitt Romney attacked President Obama’s saying he has learned “you can’t change Washington from inside, only from the outside.” Saying HE will fix it from the inside. Of course someone in 2007 said, “I don’t think you change Washington from the inside. I think you change it from the outside.” Yep. Romney, campaigning against John McCain.
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Florida Atlantic DE Carl Pelini says of their games this week with Alabama, that the Tide “ain’t what people think,” and “can be beat.” Sounds like what some of the cockier Christians said about the Lions.
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To show his support for Alex Smith, SF Giants manager Bruce Bochy has now been photographed wearing a SF 49ers cap. Out of habit, the NFL tried to fine him too.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: airline jokes, iPhone jokes, Janice Hough, NFL jokes, Romney jokes, SF Giants jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
August 16, 2012
Or at least for the San Francisco Giants, no crying over spilled Melk.
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Well, on the brighter side at least the SF Giants hadn’t signed a multi-year deal with Melky Cabrera…
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A thought about the Melky Cabrera suspension. What’s more shocking, that he got caught, or that he admitted it: “My positive test was the result of my use of a substance I should not have used.” (What, no “tainted” supplement or “I got it from a friend?”)
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Giants fans are thinking, if a iconic SF Giants player had to test positive this year for PED’s and get suspended, what a shame that it wasn’t Tim Lincecum.
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A new book said Joe Paterno sobbed after being fired from PSU, saying “My name…I have spent my whole life trying to make that name mean something. And now it’s gone.” And all it might have taken to keep that good name was one phone call to the State College police.
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Pac 12 commissioner Larry Scott doesn’t like the USA Today coaches’ poll, saying it’s 1 – a conflict of interest, and 2 – coaches are focused on their own games. (And of course the unsaid 3 – East Coast and Midwest coaches never vote for teams out West.)
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Ah border wars: A FB group has sprung up asking for “American only hours” at Costco, saying that the store “should make a special time during the day that is American members only.” Texas or Arizona? No, Bellingham, WA. Oh, those pesky Canadians.
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Wonder how long it will take for the Yankees to ask for the All-Star game results to be thrown out so they have a chance for home field advantage?
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Congrats to Felix Hernandez of the Seattle Mariners on his perfect game. And for making the Tampa Bay Rays, at least, look like a lineup that was PED free.
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Meanwhile, back in the innocent world of college sports…. The University of Alabama self-reported 27 NCAA secondary rules violations over the past year, mostly regarding texts and phone calls. 6 were from men’s basketball, and 4 were from football. Other than that, the program was completely clean. Right.
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All this GOP outrage over Joe Biden’s “put you in chains” comment. Where were they last year? When Rick Santorum said in Iowa “They will put you in chains called ‘Obamacare,’ and you will never break away.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Biden jokes, Janice Hough, Melky Cabrera jokes, PED jokes, SF Giants jokes, Yankees jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
May 31, 2012
Mack Wolford, 43, a “serpent-handling” West Virginia pastor, died after his rattlesnake bit him during a church ritual. He had told the Washington Post in 2011 that he watched a snake kill his father in the same ritual 28 years ago. Not sure if Darwin is laughing or crying.
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Some said Jesse Orosco only stayed in the big leagues because he was a left-handed pitcher who could consistently get Barry Bonds out. In the same vein, the Diamondbacks’ Paul Goldschmidt has to be wishing Tim Lincecum pitches forever to give him the same opportunity. Goldschmidt has 12 HRs in his career – Four are against Lincecum.
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So when Mitt Romney did a fundraiser with “birther” Donald Trump, he said he didn’t always agree with his supporters and vice-versa, but he needed that 50.1%. Now, President Obama actually quit Jeremiah Wright’s church, but nonetheless by that standard is Romney saying attacks by his SuperPACs linking Obama and Rev. Wright are off limits?
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Despite the SF Giants-LA Dodgers rivalry, most San Jose residents don’t seem too upset about the Kings being in the Stanley Cup finals. In fact, when asked how they feel about Los Angeles winning the NHL championship, the most common response from Northern Californians was “Los Angeles has a hockey team?
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Steve Spurrier is now proposing that college athletes in revenue-producing sports, such as men’s basketball and football, be paid “approximately $3,500 to $4,000″ on top of their scholarships to cover living expenses. And SEC players howled – “No way are we taking that pay cut.”
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Who says there’s no sympathy between rivals in baseball. Los Angeles Dodgers star Matt Kemp left tonight’s game after re-aggravating the left hamstring that put him on the DL already this year. And the SF Giants and their fans are saying to him “Hey, take care of yourself, rest, and for heaven’s sake don’t rush back.”
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This John Edwards jury deliberation is lasting longer than one of John’s $400 haircuts.
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Donald Trump has tweeted “What could be better than dinner with @MittRomney and me?” Well, for starters, a root canal.
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SF 49ers coach Jim Harbaugh said the 49ers always wanted to keep Alex Smith, and regarding their “pursuit” of Peyton Manning: “It’s phoney, even the perception we were pursuing him. We were evaluating him.” Sounds like the same rationale some married men use while chatting up young women in hotel bars.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: 49ers jokes, Dodgers jokes, SF Giants jokes, snakes jokes
Comments: 4 Comments
May 8, 2012
The CIA apparently has thwarted a second airline underwear bomber. Let us all pray that doesn’t mean another item we need to remove at TSA checkpoints….
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If they do start checking out underwear I see new career opportunities for some of those furloughed from the Secret Service.
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Researchers at Duke University said that by 2030, 42% of Americans will be obese. And most people who’ve been to Disneyland or U.S beaches in the past couple years responded – wait, that many aren’t already?
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A New Zealand study predicts that robot-human marriage is in our future. Who’d a thunk it? Ann Romney – trendsetter.
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SF Giants have committed 33 errors, most in the majors. As the manager in Bull Durham said “It’s a simple game, you throw the ball, you hit the ball, you catch the ball.” Is the 2012 team motto “Two out of three ain’t bad?”
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Not a good day for the Giants all around. As reliever Guillermo Mota was suspended 100 games for a banned substance. Considering that his ERA is 5.06, maybe Mota’s defense is that with a 5.06 ERA whatever he was taking sure wasn’t performance enhancing.
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Morning headline: “Stocks waver on Europe jitters.” This isn’t a stock market, it’s a financial remake of “Groundhog Day.”
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Cole Hamels after he hit Bryce Harper “I was trying to hit him, I’m not going to deny it.” Forget being suspended for throwing at the rookie, Hamels should be suspended for being stupid enough to admit it. -
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(The postscript, , MLB suspended Cole for five games. Which with the Phillies’ schedule means that Hamels will be back just in time for his next scheduled start. Yeah, that’ll teach him.)
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The San Antonio Spurs swept the Utah Jazz in the first round of the playoffs. And this year for the Spurs has been their usual mix of team play, little media attention, and no tabloid drama. Are we sure they really are part of the NBA?
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The South is different. Apparently a South Carolina driver was ticketed for “an obscene display” for having replica testicles on his bumper. Well, the state is so conservative I’m amazed they don’t consider an Obama bumpersticker an obscene display.
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Following an April boycott initiated by the Catholic League, Delta Air Lines has pulled their sponsorship from Jon Stewart’s “The Daily Show” Makes sense, with all the pilots they’d had arrested for DUI’s Delta needs passengers who pray a lot.
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A new study indicates that people who have depression symptoms in middle age may be at increased risk of dementia decades later. Great, one more thing to be depressed about.
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Former Saints lineman Anthony Hargove apparently said in his statement that he was told to “play dumb” about the bounty program. Telling an NFL player to play dumb? Now there’s a stretch.
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This story from Kissimmee, Florida, not far from my high school – A 28 year old former teacher is being accused of having her 16-year-old student pulled out of class and then leading him to a closet to have sex. Once again, evidence of why we shouldn’t have heterosexuals allowed in the classroom.
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Open note to the San Francisco Giants: To win a game it is generally advisable to score more runs than you commit errors.
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John McCain said that the overriding reason he chose Sarah Palin as his running mate was her qualifications. And millions of voters said “Yikes, he’s older than we thought.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Cole Hamels jokes, Mitt Romney jokes, SF Giants jokes, TSA jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
April 17, 2012
Secret service men screw around, football players try to injure each other. Next thing someone will be trying to tell us is that there are still performance enhancing drugs in baseball..
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Lincecum 0-2 after another really rough first inning. Is prescription medical marijuana allowed by rules of MLB?? Let Timmy smoke!
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Mitt Romney, in an interview with Diane Sawyer, was asked about putting his dog Seamus on the car roof, specifically “would you do it again?” His response “Certainly not with the attention it’s received.” In other words, “Well maybe, if I could figure out how to do it with no one finding out.”
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New Red Sox manager Bobby Valentine said this weekend that he didn’t think Boston fan favorite Kevin Youkilis was “as physically or emotionally into the game.” What’s next? Valentine saying he loves and respects the Yankees?
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The Patriot-News in Harrisburg, PA won a Pulitzer for local reporting for breaking the Penn State sexual abuse scandal. Wonder if the Pulitzer people will wait 10 years to give them the award.
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Vin Scully, 84, has recovered from his severe and is back in the booth at Dodger Stadium. He hopes to call all the team’s remaining home games, especially the upcoming May 11-13 Rockies series, when he can see that “nice young man” Jamie Moyer pitch.
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Mitt Romney this weekend said that “Fox News has been good to me.” In related news, a Kenyan won the Boston Marathon.
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SF Giants have signed Madison Bumgarner to a contract extension through 2017. By the time the contract is up MadBum will almost be old enough to drink.
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Got to love the San Francisco Giants’ Madison Bumgarner, 22, from a small town in North Carolina. Asked what he was going to do with all that money after signing a 5 year $35 million contract, he paused, and then responded. “I don’t know. Maybe buy more cows?.”
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The silly season continues. The Wisc. Democratic Party. has filed a complaint alleging Mitt Romney violated bribery laws in handing out free sub sandwiches during the GOP primary while encouraging people to go vote. (The law forbids gifts valued at more than $1 in exchange for a vote.) Romney is laughing it off. But if the Obama campaign starts giving out food, prepare for a Congressional investigation.
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Notre Dame has long had an agreement with IMG radio for national broadcasts of all their football games. Now USC announced they have the second such national deal, with ESPN Radio for all of the Trojans’ home games. Once again, can’t imagine how student-athletes get the idea college football is about money.
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This whole Secret Service scandal came to light over one man not paying his hooker the $47 he owed her. $47?!! This story may not do much for the reputation of the Secret Service, but it’s likely to do wonders for Columbian tourism.
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From my funny friend Alex Kaseberg: “Let me get this straight. A secret service agent hires a Columbian hooker, brings her back to his sleazy hotel room, has sex with her, cheats her out of her fee and then lies about it. Here is my question: why isn’t this guy a politician? He’s a natural.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: marijuana jokes, Romney jokes, secret service hooker jokes, secret service jokes, SF Giants jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
April 8, 2012
Nervous times in heaven today, as they hear the words “Mike Wallace is here to see you.”
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A number of tributes to Mike Wallace, after he died today at the age of 93. Including one from Larry King, saying that he was “a dear & wonderful friend.” And no doubt King added privately ‘And so sad, to die so young.”
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The MS Balmoral cruise ship left Southampton April 8, 100 years after the RMS Titanic, with an announced plan to retrace the original route of the doomed ship. Well, one hopes not the EXACT route.
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On the Balmoral and other Titanic themed cruises, they will recreate menus from the original ship. Presumably women will be encouraged not to skip dessert.
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If anyone heard that the pitching-rich but offense-poor San Francisco Giants had scored 4, 4 and 6 runs in three games this weekend against the Arizona D’backs, the logical conclusion would have been that they won about two out of three at least…..
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So the SF Giants’ hopes of not starting 0 and 4 rest on the left arm of… Barry Zito?!!
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Yikes, Red Sox going to end up putting a keg in the bullpen after today. How do you blow a three run lead in the ninth and a two run lead in the eleventh, in the same game?
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The Mets are 3-0 and the Yankees are 0-3. And today in Hell, the ice skating is great.
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Tampa Bay Rays payroll at $64 million is about $4 million less than the New York Yankees are paying Texeira, A-Rod, and Jeter. Just sayin’.
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With Cain and Zito, the San Francisco Giants have the best paid #3 and #4 pitchers in baseball.
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Newt Gingrich said his campaign is “a little less” than $4.5 million in debt. And this is a man who is criticizing President Obama’s spending?
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Masters galleries were so white I almost expected to see a GOP debate break out.
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Say what you will about Tim Tebow’s sermon this morning. At least it’s nice seeing an NFL player make offseason headlines for something not involving a police press conference.
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And finally, Happy Easter Monday. In some countries it’s a major holiday. In the U.S.A. it’s mostly known as “Happy Half Priced Chocolate Bunny Day.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Mike Wallace jokes, Red Sox jokes, SF Giants jokes, Yankees jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
