Posted tagged ‘SF Giants jokes’

A farewell to arms

October 4, 2015

Giants left-handed reliever Jeremy Affeldt gave a great emotional retirement speech at AT&T Park today. And amazingly he didn’t injure himself doing it.

Ichiro Suzuki pitched an inning during the Marlins final game of 2015, a 7-2 loss to the Phillies. He faced 5 batters, and gave up one earned run. After the game, Philadelphia reportedly offered him a chance to try out for their bullpen.


Another thought about that Philadelphia loss to Washington today: Help could be available – tanned, rested and ready – Tim Tebow.

The award for interesting sense of proportion for the day goes to the Bears’ Martellus Bennett, asked after Chicago’s first win “Is Jay Cutler too often criticized?” His response “They threw rocks at Jesus, & Jesus was an excellent guy who did a lot of awesome stuff.”caped up pretty hard for him after the game.”

Probably not their year, but the Saints are probably the happiest 1-3 team in the NFL tonight.
If there’s a twisted silver lining to today’s game and 9th inning meltdown, at least ‪#‎SFGiants‬ fans didn’t have to watch it happen in a one-game postseason playoff

(Should have let ‪#‎Affeldt‬ close. ‪#SFGiants)

The Red Sox have let strength and conditioning coach Pat Sandora go after four seasons. Who says Pandas aren’t dangerous?


Meanwhile the Redskins and Bears both won.  Hope this is not a sign of the apocalypse. ‪#‎IblameObama‬
In London, the Jets and Dolphins both had double-digit penalties, And Ndamukong Suh was caught on video today kicking Jets’ QB Ryan Fitzpatrick in the head. Is this part of the NFL’s mission to make Brits feel better about their soccer hooligans?
Clay Matthews taunted Colin Kaepernick: “You ain’t Russell Wilson, bro.” Well to be fair, so far this year, even Russell Wilson ain’t Russell Wilson.
#‎Stanford‬ and ‪#‎Michigan‬. “I’ll take two college football teams that look a lot better than we thought they were after the first week, Alex”

Jeb Bush’s Presidential campaign is going so badly, they are thinking of bringing his brother George W. to help. Some statements don’t even need a punchline. ‪#‎nottheOnion‬


New Mexico Secretary of State Dianna K. Duran is now facing 65 corruption charges including identity theft. She allegedly used her election fund for many personal uses, including jewelry purchases and casino visits. As Secretary of State Duran oversees campaign finance reporting…. ‪#‎youcannotmakethisstuffup‬

Utah Rep.Jason Chaffetz has announced he would like to succeed House Speaker John Boehner. Chaffetz is mostly known now for going after Planned Parenthood President Cecile Richards in her testimony before Congress. Makes sense, to lead today’s GOP you’ve got to show you can “Get Tough on Women.”

Artificial intelligence.

September 23, 2015

Martin Shkreli, who announced plans to raise the price of an AIDS drug from $13,50 to $750 a pill, is CEO of Turing Technologies.  Not sure how he named the company, but oddly enough, the “Turing test” is a test of a machine’s ability to exhibit intelligent behavior equivalent to, or indistinguishable from, that of a human.

Shkreli failed.

The CEO of Volkswagen has resigned. Guessing soon he’ll have the rare opportunity to be making license plates for his own cars.

A DC man has started a petition “Dear Pope Francis. Our Metro system is having some troubles. All of DC would be grateful if you could find the time to bless it during your upcoming stay. Maybe a Papal Blessing is just what it needs.”

Hmm, any chance he could also have the Pope bless Congress?

The Blue Jays won tonight to push their AL East lead over the Yankees to 3.5 game. So how long until some GOP candidate blames a potential Toronto win on Obama’s failure to maintain American supremacy?

Anne Hathaway says now that it was hard to be taken seriously as an actress after “The Princess Diaries.” Just thinking she’s not going to get too much sympathy from her co-star Julie Andrews.

Donald Trump says Fox News has been treating him “very unfairly”, and he’s done appearing on Fox News shows for the “foreseeable future.” Well, to be fair, the Donald is really a better fit for Comedy Central.

Mike Huckabee said today that President Obama is just “pretending to be a Christian. I’m thinking at this point that Huckabee is just pretending to be a plausible human being.

Now it’s ‪#‎Adrianza‬ who joins ‪#‎Belt‬ and ‪#‎Aoki‬ on the ‪#‎SFGiants‬ concussion list. Who expected ‪#‎Giants‬ to have more concussions than ‪#‎49ers‬?

Well, at this point if the ‪#‎SFGIants‬ ended up in the post season they probably couldn’t field a healthy 25 man roster.

The SF Chronicle is reporting that the SF Board of Supervisors is about to pass an ordinance that would make “strict enforcement of stop signs for cyclists the lowest priority for the SFPD”
And many cyclists in San Francisco are thinking “What stop signs?”

QB Colin Kaepernick, praising new SF coach Tomsula, says that this year is “a comfort zone for me. It’s a situation where I’m not being asked to do things outside of my character.”
Because Jim is a nice guy, or because the 49ers have designs on drafting high enough to get Jared Goff?

A terminal in Amsterdam’s Schiphol airport was evacuated over what turned out to be an iPhone in a gun shaped case. Not sure what the owner of the phone will be charged with, but assume included will be felony criminal stupidity.

R.I.P Yogi Berra. Nobody goes to heaven anymore, it’s too crowded.

Another sad thing for some about the death of ‪#‎YogiBerra‬. We can probably retire the phrase “Beloved ‪#‎Yankee‬.”

Guess he didn’t get a rose?

September 11, 2015

Texas Governor Rick Perry has dropped out of the 2016 Presidential Race. Thereby shocking millions of Americans who didn’t realize he was still in it.

Steelers coach Mike Tomlin was upset about only being able to hear the Patriots radio broadcast over the team’s headsets. The NFL said New England was not to blame. Lather, rinse, repeat. ‪#‎thePatriotscandonowrong‬

Pittsburgh thought about filing a formal complaint then backed down.  Perhaps because they figured it would just get a couple New England clubhouse attendants fired, or perhaps because they figured the NFL would just fine them for annoying the Patriots.

A Virginia woman was arrested for having sex with her unconscious boyfriend in a parking lot in broad daylight. She claims it was a combination of alcohol and being “in the mood.” And considering he was unconscious, maybe some seriously good Viagra?

U.C. Berkeley, in their estimated costs to students, says the cost for rent off-campus is $7184 for the academic year. Of course what they don’t say is that the figure means living about 100 miles off campus.

MLB suspended Joey Votto, 32, two games for his major tantrum Wednesday when the Reds first baseman was denied a time out. He’s appealing the suspension. But. hey, a tantrum?  Maybe Votto should just think of it as a time out.

Now Gregor ‪#‎Blanco‬ has been diagnosed with a concussion. The 2015 ‪#‎SFGiants‬ at this point don’t need a trainer, they need a witch doctor.

Meanwhile,Jake ‪#‎Peavy‬ and the Sacramento ‪#‎RiverCats‬ had a really good night against the ‪#‎Padres‬ ‪#‎SFGiants‬

The Phillies have dismissed GM Ruben Amaro Jr.: Five words: What took them so long?

Donald Trump now says his insults, this time directed at Carly Fiorina, were made “as an entertainer, because I did the ‘Apprentice.'” So maybe Trump thinks this whole campaign is his new show – “Political Apprentice”?

Regarding all this controversy on Trump’s purported jab at Carly Fiorina’s looks, guess Carly and her supporters have forgotten her off-mike comment in 2010 about her rival Barbara Boxer – “God what is that hair?’ So yesterday!’

So amongst the various over-under bets on opening week of the ‪#‎NFL‬ season can you make an over-under on player arrests? ‪#‎NFLKickoff‬

So Aldon Smith, one of the the best pass rushers in the NFL, who’s been arrested 5 times in 3 years, was signed today by the Oakland Raiders. Is anyone surprised?

If Ray Rice hadn’t lost a few steps as an RB he’d surely have offers. Heck, of O.J. Simpson were still a Pro-Bowler HE’D have offers.

Serious bus to hell time, but hey, if we stop laughing the bad guys win.    And this one could alas be true::

On this awful anniversary of September 11, have to wonder how many more deaths there would have been had it happened now…. as hundreds of people running away from the collapsing towers would have stopped to take selfies.


September 9, 2015

Donald Trump, Ted Cruz and Sarah Palin hold anti-Iran deal rally in DC. Good thing there wasn’t a bomb or drone strike or any natural disaster that happened while they were together. If they were all killed it would put half the comedy writers in the country out of business.

Trump, Cruz and Palin walk into a bar.    Okay friends and readers, I am soliciting punchlines!   Have at it.

George Takei today – “In our country we obey civil laws, not religious laws.” Exactly. And for our forefathers, wasn’t that the whole point?

Love British understatement: In an email to travel agents, British Airways says of yesterday’s scheduled BA 2276 – “the aircraft, a 777-200, experienced a technical issue as it was preparing for take-off from McCarran International Airport in Las Vegas.”

Bishop’s Vineyard, a new winery in California, is growing grapes in cemeteries. Guessing the Chardonnay is bone-dry..

In Connecticut, police pulled over a man allegedly going 112 mph. The driver was heading to court for a speeding ticket. This BOGO craze has clearly gone too far.

Congrats to Queen Elizabeth 2, who today surpassed Queen Victoria as England’s longest reigning monarch. Assuming her plan at this point is simply to outlive her son.

Bruno Mars has been invited back for a second Super Bowl halftime performance. But Mars has a long way to go to catch up with those legendary five-time performers, “Up with People.”

The New England Patriots have asked the NFL to reinstate “Deflategate” clubhouse attendants John Jastremski and Jim McNally. In other words, the balls just deflated themselves. #patriotscandonowrong

Richard Sherman, on ESPN reports of the Patriots’ systemic cheating. “Like they say, if you didn’t get caught, then it wasn’t cheating.”
Kind of makes you wonder what the Seahawks are up to.

#‎TimHudson‬, 40. despite last night’s great performance, still plans to retire at end of year. “So young?” responded ‪#‎JamieMoyer‬. ‪#‎SFGiants‬

Meanwhile, this ‪#‎SFGiants‬ road trip, especially their hitting, turned into a series of remakes of “Night of the Living Dead.”

Jeb Bush on the new Late Night with Stephen Colbert said “we have to restore a degree of civility in Washington.” And somewhere Obama is thinking “been there, tried that, want the bloody t-shirt?”

Fortunately, there were no injuries when a fire broke out today at Walt Disney World’s EPCOT. On the bright side, it’s the hottest EPCOT has been in years.

-Just a thought about Donald Trump’s telling CNN to donate their debate profits to veterans. Veterans?! . Ok, so for Trump does that include alums of his prep school?

(earlier this week Trump basically compared his expensive military prep school to military service.)

Donald Trump wants CNN to donate $10 million to charity for his participation in the debates. I think all the networks should get together and demand $100 million from Trump for giving him more publicity these days than his “Apprentice” show ever did.

Now Entertainment Weekly is reporting that Josh Duggar also had accounts on Facebook, Twitter and OK Cupid for meeting women. So now that Kim Davis is “free”, really looking forward to hearing from Mike Huckabee on this one.

Golden parachuting out of the Friendly Skies?

September 8, 2015

United Airlines has announced that Jeff Smisek has stepped down as CEO, chairman and president effective immediately. United says this is connected to a federal investigation.involving the Port Authority of NY and NJ.
“What a shame, the man has built such a wonderful airline” said absolutely positively no frequent travelers.

And as the United scandal involves the Port Authority and New Jersey politics, Chris Christie may soon be wishing someone would ask him about Bridgegate.

Tom Brady in a recent interview said that Deflategate was the “hardest time of his life.” I feel so sorry for him, said nobody outside New England.

(from my friend Alex Kaseberg – “I think it was tough. He aged so much he almost looks like his courtroom sketch.”)

Apparently plenty of seats are still available for the Mayweather/Berto fight this weekend in Vegas, even though seats are much less expensive than the Mayweather-Pacquiao fight. I think this goes down under the “Fool me once….” category..

Macy’s says they will close 35 to 40 under-performing stores. Responded most people under 30: “Macy’s has stores?”

A record 10 teams from the SEC are in college football’s “Top 25” this week. So 10 of the 14 teams are ranked. If nothing else this should be a chance for many players to tackle higher math. . .

Bryce Harper ripped Nationals fans who left in the 7th inning yesterday. And Dodgers’ players are thinking “In Los Angeles we call fans like that ‘diehards.’

(tonight, as the Nats blew a 7-1 run lead after 6, the fans are thinking “we’re smarter than Harper.”)

Might be easier, at least faster, these days during the pre-game show to list the ‪#‎SFGiants‬ who AREN’T injured.

‪#‎TimHudson‬ was 2-3 today with a home run. So is he trying to throw down the gauntlet to ‪#‎MadisonBumgarner‬? ‪#‎SFGiants‬

SF Giants pitchers have hit 7 home runs this year.  Only three behind Pablo Sandoval.

If this was Tim Hudson’s last start in ‪#‎MLB‬, great way to go out. ‪#‎SFGiants‬ ‪#‎classact‬

Two Texas high school football players have been suspended for hitting a referee during a game Friday night. Waiting for someone to say this wouldn’t have happened if refs were armed.

Chelsea Clinton, asked about a potential Kanye West run for President in 2020, said it could be “awesome.” Especially if she’s hoping that her mom is running for re-election.

A judge has ordered Kim Davis released from jail, but told her not to interfere with the granting of licenses by her deputies. Thinking Davis might be too busy anyway to interfere anyway, with all her upcoming talk show and campaign appearances.

Somehow with all the screaming about persecution and Christianity in this country, I seem to have missed all the calls from religious conservatives for the U.S. to take in at least the Christian Syrian refugees

“DH, we don’t need no stinkin’ DH”

August 16, 2015

Biggest problem right now for SF Giants manager with Madison Bumgarner?  Getting his ace left hander to shut up about possibly pinch hitting.

Yeah, so  Zack Greinke‬ pitched 7 innings of 1 run baseball w/ home run. Madison Bumgarner‬ just called & raised him. Shutout, home run & RBI double.

So Madison Bumgarner’s worst outing of the year was in Washington, D.C., July 4, when he allowed six runs in five innings against the Nats. Think Madbum was just a bit p*ssed off when he took the mound today?

Madison Bumgarner has four home runs for the year. And in the SF Giants broadcast booth Duane Kuiper is trying not to cry.

(for non baseball fans. Kuiper had a 12 year career in MLB – one home run. Total.)

Costumed characters hustling for tips in Times Square have become a New York tradition. The newest trend, near-naked women wearing only thongs and red, white and blue body paint. Wonder how many fathers are volunteering to do reconnaissance missions to make sure the area hasn’t become too inappropriate for children

Oscar Pistorius will be released from jail this week after serving 10 months for killing his girlfriend Reeva Steenkamp. Even Los Angeles juries are thinking he got off easy.

Tim Tebow is back. But don’t laugh. At this point he’s still a more realistic potential NFL quarterback than Donald Trump is a realistic potential President.

So Trump is going to pay for a border wall by taxing all Mexican visitors to the U.S.? And what exactly is he going to do with all those crazies from Canada, eh?

Freshman QB Ricky Town. who had verbally committed to Alabama but decided to go to USC after the Trojans hired Steve Sarkisian, is transferring to another school. Apparently ,while highly touted, Town didn’t turn out to be the best freshman QB in spring camp.

So Karma is either a Crimson Tide fan, or just in mean bitch mode.

The Cubs lost today. But before the game Chicago manager Joe Maddon said he wasn’t changing his socks during the team’s 9 game win streak. Maybe the superstition helped. But at least it probably assured Maddon had a row to himself on the team plane

How often does a golfer go -17 for a major tournament and end up in 2nd place? ‪#‎JordanSpieth‬ ‪#‎JasonDay‬ ‪#‎PGA‬

Donald Trump said that illegal immigrants in this country “have to go.” Wait…. does Trump have a visa for that furry thing that lives on his head?

Brewers manager Craig Counsell and players told a Milwaukee paper that if now openly gay David Denson, now playing for the team’s rookie league, makes it to the big leagues, he will be welcome.

Bringing to mind the great quote from Willie Mays, who when asked a few years ago if a gay player would be welcome in a major league clubhouse, simply responded “Can he hit?”

San Diego gave QB Philip Rivers a $65 million guaranteed contract. The Chargers are throwing money around like they’re a Los Angeles team already.

Mike Huckabee says he supports Paraguay’s decision to deny a 10 year old rape victim an abortion. “Let’s not compound a tragedy by taking yet another life.” And of course that poor girl should have government assistance and health care including mental health care so her own life isn’t ruined…. Oh wait, government dependency should end at birth.
I believe the British have the correct term here – “f*ckwit.”

From T.C  “The Guinness Book of World Records is reporting that the world’s oldest cat is age 26, named Corduroy and lives in Sisters, Oregon. Skeptics call BS, and say it’s all just a ploy to get a dentist out of hiding.”


August 9, 2015

After the Pittsburgh Pirates scored 9 runs in the 7th inning against the Dodgers bullpen, beginning to look like biggest competition between SF and LA in October might be over best airline/hotel rates for a vacation in Hawaii.

Seventeen GOP candidates running for President. And after last Thursday’s debates a lot of Americans are thinking “can’t we have a few more choices?”

Carly Fiorina talking about being a supporter of women’s rights makes as much sense as Bristol Palin being an abstinence spokeswoman.

And Carly Fiorina said today she opposes mandatory paid maternity leave. Proving again that the only women’s rights Fiorina really supports are her own.

Thinking if Donald Trump really wants to attract independent voters, he’d lay off Megyn Kelly and start going after Ann Coulter.

New NBC GOP Presidential primary poll: Trump – 23%, Carson – 11%, Fiorina and Rubio 8% each. I’ll take “Four people who will never be President for $800, Alex.”

#‎WrigleyField‬ was just evacuated after a bomb threat. Fortunately the threat turned out to be as nonexistent as today’s ‪#‎SFGiants‬ offense.

At Yankee Stadium, a fan threw a home run ball from Toronto’s Jose Bautista back onto the field and it hit NY outfielder Brett Gardner. Gardner was uninjured. These days the way things are going for SF Giants – three starters injured on a 10 game road trip,  had one of their fans done the same thing, they’d have hit Pence and put him on the DL.

#SFGiants didn’t get all the players they wanted at the trade deadline, and this odd year doesn’t look like their year. On the other ,hand, watching the Pirates score 9 runs in the 7th inning, 8 against Jim Johnson who the #Dodgers basically bought from the Braves by taking on contracts.. ah, #schadenfreude.

But, Duane Kuiper saying that the ‪#‎SFGiants‬ caught a break with the weather on this Chicago trip. Thinking more of a break might have been to have had the entire series rained out.

The Redskins and Texans ended up in a brawl after their three-day joint practice. Shame most Washington fans didn’t see it, might be the best hits their team will get in all year.

So a ‪#‎BlackLivesMatter‬ group disrupted a Bernie Sanders event. Isn’t that like a White Supremacist group disrupting a GOP Presidential Debate?  Or an anti-abortion group doing the same thing?


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