Posted tagged ‘SF Giants jokes’

I’ll be watching you…maybe.

July 23, 2014

So there were NYPD officers working graveyard shifts in four marked cars at the Brooklyn Bridge while the lights were dimmed and white flags were raised Monday night. None of them noticed anything. And the NY Daily news quotes a police source as saying none of them will be disciplined. Well, not like anything really bad could have happened…

 

 

A man claims he was kicked off a Southwest flight in Denver after he tweeted a complaint over a gate agent not allowing his daughters to board early with him. He claims he won’t fly the airline again. Well, and hey, why not, when he can take advantage of the great customer service at Denver from United….

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Mark McGwire says of Jose Canseco. “I don’t care to ever speak to him again.” Well, of course not, Canseco’s in the past.

 

St. Louis CF John Jay tonight struck out on a 4-2 count. That’s bad. What’s worse, no one in the Cardinals dugout, including the manager, noticed it. #whoneedsmath?

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18 runs given up in two days?  All of a sudden #Dodgers pitching is looking like maybe Josh Beckett’s been bringing beer and chicken back into the Clubhouse #sfgiants

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Cameron Maybin has been suspended for 25 games for testing positive for amphetamines. But come on, it’s the San Diego Padres. Couldn’t Maybin have used the excuse he needed the drugs to stay awake?

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Wednesday Alabama coach Nick Saban talked about his team’s loss to Oklahoma in the Sugar Bowl and said it was a challenge to “try to play in a consolation game.” Well, that ought to do wonders for the image of college football players as egotistical babies.

(Also, for the uninitiated, please note. The Sugar Bowl, with a $17 million per team payout, is not a consolation game. Now, the “AdvoCare V100 Bowl” just might be a consolation game….)

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Eagles tackle Lane Johnson is the latest NFL player suspended four games for PED’s. Johnson said in a statement he “mistakenly and foolishly” took a prescription drug in April and failed to clear it with the Eagles’ athletic trainers or check the banned substance list. Just once would be nice to hear someone say, “Yeah, I was cheating and got busted.”

 

Another thought about all these NFL players who plead ignorance when they get caught for PED’s. Wouldn’t you think if they were smart enough to read their playbooks, they’d be smart enough to read the the rules and their drug labels?

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‘What if I decide to run?’: Michele Bachmann saying she might try for Presidency again in 2016. Comedy writers: “Thank you Jesus.”

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You have been warned.  From Alex Kaseberg.  “‘Comic Con’ begins in San Diego on Thursday, so get your computers and internet servers fixed now.”

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So what does Rick Perry have against all these kids? The Texas governor doesn’t want more people in America who can embarrass him by counting to three?

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California’s teen birthrate has fallen 63% since 1990, the biggest drop of any state in the country. Instead of “Abstinence Only” education, California has chosen comprehensive sex education, and increased access for teens to contraceptives. I’m sure it’s just a coincidence.

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From T.C.  ” The #1 selling NFL jersey today is Johnny Manziel. Sitting at #5 is Michael Sam. Neither one of them has yet to play a down in the league. That should be enough to bring Brett Favre out of retirement again.”

Portrait in lack of courage?

July 21, 2014

Former NFL coach Tony Dungy said he wouldn’t have taken Michael Sam in the draft “Not because I don’t believe (he) should have a chance to play, but I wouldn’t want to deal with all of it. It’s not going to be totally smooth … things will happen.” But Dungy is also the man who does prison ministry, and who mentored Michael Vick while in prison. Somewhere Jesus really is weeping.

 

#RichardSherman‘s celebrity softball game drew over 22,000 to #SafecoField.   That’s only about 1,000 people less than the average Mariners home game.  #nojoke.

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New York Yankees just announced that the “official” game honoring Derek Jeter will be Sept. 7. Did no one in the front office see the All Star game?

 

The SF Giants were down 4-3 in the 4th inning, and the Phillies had runners on 1st and 3rd with no outs. Thinking not even Pete Rose would have bet that Philly was done scoring.

 

 

Box Score #SFGiants 7-15-1, #Phillies 4-14-0. Without watching you know this was not a thing of beauty. But #awinisawin

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#SFGiants have agreed to terms with Dan Uggla. Some concern as to whether he can still hit major league pitching. But hey, the Giants know for sure that some of their current lineup can’t.

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Odrisamer Despaigne came within four outs yesterday of throwing the first no-hitter in San Diego’s 46 year history. And Padres pitchers have the added handicap of not being able to pitch against own team.

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Jameis Winston said in an FSU pre-season press conference that this year he knows he has “to live up to the hype.” And presumably get his seafood from the training table.

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Facebook is adding a new “Facebook Save” feature for people to file interesting “items that you find on Facebook to check out later when you have more time.” “When you have more time?!” Translation for a lot of people, when they’ve retired and Facebook is long gone?

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A volunteer California policewoman was put on leave after she posted an-anti bike video rant on YouTube, including asking a man who much she’d have to pay him to run a cyclist over. The caption “Like you’ve never thought about it.” She has apologized and said it was satire. Fair enough, but for a COP to post it?   Apparently SHE never thought about it.

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Tough times in Washington. President Obama has to decide what actions to take against Russia, And then the GOP has to immediately decide how those actions are wrong.

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It was an American conspiracy to start a war with Russia. …The Ukraine military thought they were shooting down Putin’s plane…. Or MH17 is really MH370, and it took off “full of corpses….”

Even Fox News is bowing to the creativity of some Russian conspiracy theories….

Walking the line?

July 20, 2014

The future King of England, Prince George, is upright. Probably more upright than Prince Harry after a night on the town.

Prince George Of Cambridge First Birthday

 

The Chicago Cubs have filed a lawsuit over “Billy Cub”, a fake mascot that allegedly has been engaging in bad behavior outside Wrigley Field. Wonder how long it will take some Cubs season ticket holders to file a lawsuit over bad behavior on the field inside Wrigley.

 

The Mariners and Angels have played two games since the All-Star Break, totaling 28 innings. Note to both teams, the World Cup is over, enough with the stoppage time.

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And if  the MLB season ended today, the Angels and Mariners would be in a one-game wild card playoff. Seattle is 6.5 games behind L.A.(Anaheim.) But if they could start Felix Hernandez, they’d be the favorites to advance. Another “gift” from Bud Selig.

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Giancarlo Stanton takes  Sergio Romo deep to lead off the bottom of the ninth in Miami. “I didn’t see that coming.” Said nobody.

 

In a 5-1 game that became a 5-3 game  #SFGiants manager Bruce Bochy removed Sergio Romo in the ninth after a home run and a double and apparently told Romo that it wasn’t about him finishing the game, but wanted Casilla to get the work. That’s his story and he’s sticking to it.

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Huston Street, after being traded from San Diego to the Angels “I believe in the Padres’ ownership. They want to win and they are not content with status quo. I blame the players for what’s happened here.” Right, all those high-priced superstars that just can’t gell as a team, like so-and-so, and him, and.., can anyone name a Padre? (More than one.)

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Newt Gingrich wrote an op-ed saying that President Obama hides in a fantasy world. Of course, Gingrich’s fantasy is that he’s still relevant.

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Vladimir Putin is retaliating against new sanctions against Russia by denying some Americans visas. Just thinking flying into Russia is not at the top of too many people’s wish lists right now.

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The NY Knicks may sign Metta World Peace again. Not sure if it will help the team. But this is good news for comedy writers.

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Rand Paul, who’s against raising the minimum wage, talked about his son happily delivering pizza,: “The minimum wage is a temporary thing. It’s a chance to get started.” Of course, if you’re the son of a senator, it probably is a way to get started….what about all those other grown-ups still working those jobs?

Just call him Babe.

July 13, 2014

madbum

Madison Bumgarner, leaving the mound in the 7th inning today in a game where he was not only the winning pitcher, but hit a double and a grand slam. The real shame of him leaving when he did. Madbum’s turn at bat was coming up.

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Is it too late to add Madison Bumgarner to the All Star Game home run derby roster? #SFGiants

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#Madbum was saying all week he wanted to hit in the All-Star game home run derby, and was texting NL Captain Troy Tulowitzki about it. Troy’s got to be second guessing that decision about now.

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Maybe now that the #WorldCup is over the SF Giants realized they were allowed to score without penalty kicks.

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(actually posted before today’s game that “You know it’s been a rough month when your starting pitcher comes into a game with a higher batting average than four of your starting lineup.” After his double and grand slam, Bumgarner now has a higher batting average than anyone on the team except Hunter Pence.
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Who’s done a better acting job in the last month? The floppers of the #WorldCup or millions of Americans who pretended to care about soccer?

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Understatement of the year. Eric Holder, in responding to Sarah Palin’s call for Obama’s impeachment. ““She wasn’t a particularly good vice presidential candidate.”

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So figure… the last game before the All-Star break between the Yankees and Orioles ended up in a rain delay…. and was called after midnight. Might have been the first game ever played Monday of All-Star week.
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Colin Kaepernick apparently has a new tattoo. How could anyone tell?


Cornerback CB Jimmy Smith was arrested at a suburban Baltimore bar last night and charged with misdemeanor disorderly conduct. Smith is the 5th Raven to be arrested this off-season. How long until Baltimore changes their team color to orange?
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CNN has decided to make yesterday’s story of the United flight diverted to Midway Island today’s front page news. Standby for tomorrow’s story of all the islands where they COULD have diverted MH370.

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ESPN story talked about “bravery” with the “Running of the Bulls in Pamplona. Can think of a number of adjectives. “Bravery is not in the top ten. (If we’re going for “Bs” – “Braindead”, maybe.)

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Before the fall.

July 13, 2014

About 30,000 fans showed up Saturday at Candlestick Park for the last game ever to be played before the stadium is demolished .  A meaningless SF 49ers flag football game. Wow. Almost as many at the Stick as any 10 random SF Giants weeknight games.

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Nice tribute to Dave Dravecky today at A T and T Park. Did someone tell the SF Giants they didn’t have to honor Dave by pretending to bat with only one arm?

 

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How long has Ryan Vogelsong gone without support? The last time the #SFGiants scored a run when he was on the mound, the #USA was undefeated in the #WorldCup.

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Even as a Giants fan, this is just wrong. As reported by Bruce Jenkins in the SF Chronicle, , if you live in the SF Bay Area, and subscribe to MLB’s TV package, you can watch the Dodgers Sports-Net telecasts with Vin Scully. But 70% of fans in LA are blacked out. #moneymoneymoney

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The Cleveland Indians placed DH Jason Giambi, 43, on the 60 day DL over his sore knee. Bummer. But at least most of Giambi’s medical bills should be paid by Medicare.

 

 

Tiger Woods, feeling good as he approaches the British Open, “I can do whatever I want ” And somewhere Elin Nordegren is thinking “Haven’t we seen this somewhere before?”

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Quite a number of no-shows at today’s #WorldCup third place game. Including apparently the Brazilian team. #BRAvsNED

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Okay, the Lebron Decision sequel is over. But doesn’t it seem like everyone is paying much more attention to all these NBA free agent machinations than they do to the actual season?

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Lebron James’ contract with Cleveland is for just two years? Meaning we could go through this all again in 2016?

 

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A United Airlines flight from Honolulu to Guam had to divert to Midway due to a mechanical problem. Passengers spent several hours on the Island before a replacement plane took them back to Honolulul, and then another plane took them to Guam. United says the passengers were given $500 travel vouchers. Well, that’s a start, but how about all those extra frequent flier miles?

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Rick Perry, attacking fellow Republican Rand Paul’s isolationist strategy called him “curiously blind.” Well if anyone is familiar with the concept of “curiously blind,” it’s the Governor of Texas.

 

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If immigrant children at US border said they were fleeing home because of oppressive gun control would be fun to watch  heads explode.

 

 

From T.C.  “North Korea state news reports that their country has reached the finals of the World Cup, and are preparing to announce victory tomorrow. They have a ready to use Photoshop picture of Kim Jong-un hoisting the trophy. Too bad it’s The Stanley Cup.”

LeBron gone.

July 11, 2014

Open note to Miami fans. There are children in Africa who need clothes. Just in case you were thinking of a jersey bonfire? #Lebron

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Most googled question in #Cleveland today? “How do you get burn marks out of a jersey? #Lebron

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Lebron James returning to the #Cavaliers. Best sure thing about this for #Cleveland fans? It knocks Johnny Manziel off the front page.

 

Miami Heat owner Micky Arison sent a classy ‘Thanks for the memories” tweet about Lebron James leaving, even though it’s not great news for his franchise. But Arison must be used to train wrecks by this point – he also owns Carnival and Costa Cruises.

 

“There are no second acts in American lives.” So somewhere maybe F. Scott Fitzgerald is saying “F**k you, Lebron James.”

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Suspended Uruguay soccer star Luis Suarez is leaving his professional team of Liverpool for Barcelona. Wonder how long he had to chew on that decision?

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Chad Johnson, now a member of the Montreal Alouettes, scored his first touchdown since 2011 and celebrated by hugging a CFL official. Out of habit Roger Goodell fined him.

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Forget #Lebron, the REAL breaking news is that Tim Lincecum got Paul Goldschmidt out #SFGiants

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Curtis Reeves Jr. the man charged with shooting a man for texting inside a movie theater, was released on bond today. Reeves will be allowed to leave home only for church, court, doctors’ appointments, and the GROCERY STORE. New catch  phrase in Florida: “Cover me, I’m going for a quart of milk..”

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Mashiro Tanaka, on being injured. “I want to apologize to the Yankees organization, my teammates and our fans for not being able to help during this time.” How long until the NY Yankees apologize to their fans for this season?

 

Brazil vs. the Netherlands for 3rd place in the World Cup Saturday. Have we finally found a sporting event where athletes care less than the NFL Pro Bowl?

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Consumer Reports just rated California-based “The Habit Burger Grill” as having the best (chain) burger in America. Uh, many people would say it’s not even the best burger in California.

 

 

From Alex  Kaseberg:  “100 years ago, Babe Ruth made his baseball debut. It was a big day, Larry King threw out the first pitch. “

 

(and I’m thinking, who could forget the Babe’st thrilling first hit off of Jamie Moyer?)

 

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Well, Jerry Brown may win re-election easily in California, but for 2012 Gubernatorial fun at least we have Florida. Where Gov. Rick Scott just criticized Charlie Crist as “elitist” for wearing a Rolex. Scott is worth about $150 million and has his own plane.

We’ve got trouble.

July 6, 2014

 

Browns WR Josh Gordon, already suspended for a year for violating the NFL drug policy, was arrested at 4am this morning for alleged DWI. Well, at least looks like Johnny Manziel will have one less person to party with in Cleveland.

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Toronto mayor Rob Ford says he won’t guarantee he will stay sober, and that he can’t make promises about something over which he has “no control.” Wow, an actual honest statement from a politician.

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in the US, July 4 was our bbq and fireworks day.    Making July 5  “so what do you put on a burn” day?

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Refereeing in the #WorldCup makes me long for the simplicity of baseball’s balk rule.

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You cannot make this “stuff” up, dept: Louisiana Congressman Bill Cassidy, who is running against U.S. Senator Mary Landrieu, and who co-sponsored the “Abstinence Education Reallocation Act of 2013″, announced that his unwed 17 year old daughter will have a baby “this summer”

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Foster Farms just recalled some chicken linked to a salmonella outbreak. The products have “use or freeze by” dates from March 21 to 29. Of course, if you still have chicken around from March, you might have other problems than salmonella.

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Ad for Eliquis with the usual side-effect mentions in small print “May cause paralysis – the inability to move.” Guess some lawyer decided Americans don’t know what paralysis means…..

 

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New Bucks coach Jason Kidd: “‘Why Milwaukee?’ My answer is simple: there is no place I’d rather be” Well, either that or there’s no place Kidd would rather be that would take him.

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Amber Battle, Texas Tech’s Lady Raiders’ basketball leading scorer, was involved in a fight with a football player that resulted in the police being called. She has been suspended, for the first month of the season. Good to see that women star players can now be slapped on the hand as hard as men.

 

Last night millions of baseball fans wondered if they needed to adjust their sets. That was an #SFGiant hitting a ball out of the park. Not an illusion.

(and it happened twice more.)

 

What’s more surprising? That the reeling #SFGiants beat the only team that hadn’t blown a lead after seven innings this season. Or that that team was the #SDPadres?

 

 

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Regarding illegal immigration: When living conditions are bad enough, people will do whatever it takes to leave their country in the hopes of something better.. And the idea that we can just stop that by making it harder…? Remember the Berlin Wall?

No looking back.

July 1, 2014

 It could be worse for #USA in #WorldCup. We could be a country that cares about being eliminated for more than 5 minutes. #England, #Spain, #Chile

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So the USA lost again Tuesday. That means we advance again, right? #WorldCup

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A nice win for Belgium. So Americans will have to go back to wasting time at work by looking at cat videos. #WorldCup

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Now that we are out of #WorldCup maybe #SFGiants will stop emulating #TeamUSA and start scoring.?

 

A new Florida Gators calendar is out, and Mr. July is…. Aaron Hernandez. Yikes. Apparently the pictures had to be approved in Spring, 2013. Well, it does mean the most embarrassing NFL picture on the calendar isn’t of Tim Tebow.

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Rolando McClain retired from the NFL in April, saying “Now I know God has something else planned for me and that my life is bigger than football.” Now he’s un-retired and signed with Dallas.  So what,  McClain is now trying to say that he thinks God is a Cowboys fan?

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A federal appeals court has agreed to reconsider Barry Bonds’ felony conviction for obstruction of justice. Wonder what happens if Bonds incorporates himself and says the “cream and the clear” were part of his religion?

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Not that it will ever happen, but if teams in the #WorldCup knockout round had to win by 2, like in tennis, and if they had to keep playing until that happened, the games might be a lot more watchable. IMHO.

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So the FTC claims T-Mobile added bogus overcharges to customers’ bills. As opposed to T-Mobile’s legitimate overcharges?

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The Los Angeles City Attorney’s office announced after a “long review” that Aldon Smith will not be charged after being arrested for allegedly making a fake bomb threat at LAX this April. So where’s the disclaimer – “Professional athlete, do not attempt.”

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A federal judge ruled today that same-sex couples have a right to marry in Kentucky. Kind of puts a new slant on sisterhood and brotherhood.

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So the news that some of us may have been amongst the 700,000 guinea pigs in a FB experiment of either skewing new feeds positively or negatively is not thrilling. But then there’s the question – what other FB experiments do we not yet know about?

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Serena Williams is gone, Maria Sharapova is gone. This potential women’s Wimbledon is shaping up to have all the ratings draw of a Tiger-less golf tournament.

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Some statements just cannot be topped with a punchline. Monica Lewinsky, talking about the Starr report and the media “I was a virgin to humiliation.”

 

From T.C’ “Wednesday’s water cooler hot topic will be the US Soccer team’s World Cup loss to Belgium. Of course 99.9% of those asked if they watched the game will respond “No”.”

 

 

Political thoughts, anyone not interested can stop reading now. But.

 

Have to wonder with the Hobby Lobby decision, how would Sandra Day O’Connor have voted, as opposed to her replacement Samuel Alito? (Who says I never say anything nice about Ronald Reagan?)

 

Here’s one of many frustrating things about #SCOTUS decision. Good people can disagree on abortion. (And I am one who thinks it should be between a woman, her doctor and her God if she has one.). But the Hobby Lobby ruling is about four types of contraception they believe to be abortion. But many scientists would say otherwise.. Plan B is simply a large dose of birth control pills and may prevent ovulation,. The copper in the IUD is toxic to sperm and may prevent fertilization…. But hey, why should science enter into this when it’s a morality play?

Going down.

June 29, 2014

Would baseball be more popular around the world if batters could fall to the ground writhing in agony if the pitch got near them and then be awarded 1st base? #WorldCup #flopping

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Brazil coach Luiz Felipe Scolari said he and his team “can’t be polite anymore” after barely beating Chile. Are they flopping too gracefully?

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A fire broke out in the boiler room of a Holland America cruise ship leaving Seattle yesterday. But it was quickly extinguished, the ship returned to port without incident, and was cleared to sail again this morning. “Darn” said CNN.

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In the 9th inning of a 4-0 loss, the #SFGiants won a review and have a play overturned. So where do you go to request the month of June be overturned?

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Open note to #SFGiants. This is not the World Cup. You don’t have to wait to score with penalty kicks.

 

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So according to Bochy, Sergio Romo will no longer be closing games for the #sfgiants. Of course that’s been true for over two weeks.

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SF Giants manager Bruce Bochy today said the team “as a group, we’ve hit a bump in the road.” A bump? Feels more like a Giant sinkhole.

 

 

As of Sunday night, at SeaWorld San Diego, apparently several people have been stuck on the Skytower ride for several hours due to a power issue. The San Diego Fire Department is on stand-by.but says “no one is in distress.” If they’re not in distress after several hours guess this makes the Skytower perhaps the world’s highest outhouse.

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Texas Tech has dismissed their top football recruit, CB Nigel Bethel II, for allegedly punching one of the their star woman basketball players in the face during a pickup basketball game. Next stop for Bethel, the Baltimore Ravens?

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No injuries fortunately when two Ryanair jets ran into each other at London’s Stansted Airport yesterday morning. A spokesman said they hit wing tip to tail cone while one was approaching a gate and the was pushing back. Maybe enough passengers didn’t pay the “light stick” fee?

 

 

The Cleveland Browns owner reportedly told Johnny Manziel to “tone it down” and watch “what goes up on social media. Manziel reportedly responded that he’s not going to change his ways and will enjoy his time off. Of course, if Johnny can’t deliver on the field in the NFL, he could end up with a lot more time off.

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Not so Tidy – Whities?

June 28, 2014

Apparently Wimbledon is enforcing the all white clothing rule so tightly this year and some women players have have to remove their colored undergarments and go braless. Is this too much tradition, or a shameless grab for television ratings?

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President Obama on the GOP. They “don’t do anything but block me and call me names.” And John Boehner said “Okay, who leaked our mission statement?”

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Tiger Woods has missed the cut  for the Quicken Loan Tournament. Which means golf ratings this weekend will be almost as high as those of the  World Cup in the US after Tuesday  if Belgium wins.

 

Randy Moss has been hired as an associate football coach by his son’s high school. Not sure exactly what the former NFL star is supposed to teach the kids. But pretty sure it isn’t humility.

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ABC has fired Sherri Shepherd and Jenny McCarthy from “The View.” Many women are thinking “How terrible.” Many men are thinking “Who?”

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Really? There’s now a Kim Kardashian video game?! Assume the goal is to make a big a** of yourself? #KimKardashianHollywood

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ESPN had a spoiler alert – basically that the second ranked woman in the world was knocked out at Wimbledon. To be a real spoiler don’t people have to know who the #2 woman in the world is?

 

A marijuana food truck plans to open soon in Everett, a suburb of Seattle, Washington. Talk about a symbiotic operation.

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Fred Dicker, a NY Post columnist, referred to a white state senator as a “spear chucker” for the New York City Democratic delegation, which is mostly black. And then said it was not a racial slur. Right. Will Dicker then suggest “spear chuckers” for a new name for Washington’s football team?

 

Joaquin Arias is 1 for 18 as a pinch-hitter for the #SFGiants. That’s not a “pinch-hitter”, that’s a “pinch-outter.”

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Clients called saying they would be late to an appointment at our office. They were lost because their GPS had broken. If only there were an inexpensive, simple, portable way to get directions. #Imissmaps

 

One of the Miss America contestants this September was originally the runner-up, and only found out she won her state pageant 6 days later, when organizers realized a vote count error, and dethroned the original winner. You guessed it, Miss Florida.

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Wonder if the new Miss Florida was crowned by the Supreme Court?

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A federal judge upheld Colorado’s new gun laws that mandate background checks for all gun sales and limited the capacity of ammunition magazines. From the ruling; “Of the many law enforcement officials called to testify, none were able to identify a single instance in which they were involved where a single civilian fired more than 15 shots in self defense.” Common sense, what a concept.

 

 

And finally a no snark item for a change.

 

Apparently actress Amy Adams, who had a 1st class seat on American Airlines, saw a uniformed soldier at the gate and quietly got the flight attendant to switch their seats so Ms. Adams ended up in coach. Wow. A celebrity making news that doesn’t involve an arrest, a wardrobe malfunction or a sex tape. Very well played, Amy,

Time to man up?

June 26, 2014

Really? Ann Coulter, says “any growing interest in soccer can only be a sign of the nation’s moral decay.” And that “I promise you: No American whose great-grandfather was born here is watching soccer.” First, Ann should STFU. Second, few Americans are likely to be watching past the next round anyway.

 

 

Another thought on Ann Coulter’s comment that “No American whose great-grandfather was born here is watching soccer.” Thinking that not having children just makes Ann bitter about never having the chance to become a great-grandfather.

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Phrase we never thought we’d hear in the USA. “Don’t ask me a work question, I’m watching the #WorldCup.” #USAvGER

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Question asked around the US today? “So how do you win the World Cup by losing a game? “. “Oh, you mean there’s more…?”

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In later World Cup games Thursday, Belgium beat Korea 1-0 and Algeria tied Russia 1-1. And across the USA one response “There were later games?”

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Luis Suarez has been banned four months for biting. Although his actions did change the conventional wisdom that most Americans couldn’t name a single player in the World Cup

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Ghana has kicked two players off their World Cup team after a training “altercation.” And apparently they had to bring $3 million in cash to Brazil yesterday after players threatened to mutiny over not being paid enough. Who says “futebol” is nothing like American football?

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Tiger Woods shot a 74 on his first day back in a tournament. At ESPN they are wishing there were only some way to give the other golfers red cards.

 

Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan will apparently reunite briefly on screen in the upcoming movie “Ithaca.” Of course, this time they will both be “Sleepless in Seattle” from getting up in the middle of the night to pee.

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Howard Baker, 88, has died. He was Reagan’s chief of staff, a presidential candidate himself, and a moderate GOP Senate Majority Leader. Yes, Virginia, there was a time you could be known as a “moderate Senate Majority Leader”

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If anyone has been  watching the #SFGiants lately and  heard Tim Lincecum threw a no-hitter against the Padres, their first question must have been “Did he win?

 

LGBT night at A T and T  and not a single same sex couple shown on “Kiss Cam.”. That’s as weak as #SFGiants hitting tonight.

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According to the CDC, women are considered “heavy drinkers” if they have eight or more drinks a week, men are “heavy drinkers” if they have 15 or more. Great, one more stressor to drive us to drink.

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UK based Titan says they have sold at least one Titan “Zeus”, a $1.6 million, 370 inch TV. And somewhere some guy’s neighbor is plotting how he can find one bigger.

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Open note to all drivers: When you are the 2nd, 3rd and 4th cars through the intersection after the light in the other direction turns green, it is just possible you ran a light that was a bit past yellow.

 

From Bill Littlejohn :   “Robert Morris University-Illinois has become the first school to consider video games as a sport.   CalTech could be next, but has concerns over attracting too many ‘one-and-dones’”

Shopping for a Cup?

June 22, 2014

 

Saturday night in the World Cup – Nigeria vs. Bosnia-Herzegovina. “I’ll take “Two countries most Americans couldn’t find on a map for $600, Alex.”

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If #USA plays their next two games to 0-0 ties, they advance in the #WorldCup. And some say baseball can be boring.

 

 

Amazing how many people who can tell you the exact details of what must happen for the U.S. to advance in the #WorldCup couldn’t give you the names of two players on the team.

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Gold medalist soccer star Hope Solo has been arrested and held without bail for alleged domestic-violence assault. Who says women athletes will never be the equals of men?

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Alex Rodriguez has dropped his malpractice lawsuit against Yankees doctor “for the sole purpose of having no legal distractions” as he hopes to play again for the team in 2015. So no “legal” distractions. Over-under on other types of distractions?

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In Boston they’ve got to be thinking “Thank Heaven for Tampa Bay. The Rays might be the only reason the Red Sox don’t complete the “worst to first to worst” loop this year.’

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When a Georgia man was arrested for swimming naked he told the arresting officer he was “not a threat to society” and to “check out his Youtube channel.” When the policeman eventually did, he saw videos that showed a large pot growing operation. Oops. Arrested again, naturally.

 

Joe Panik arrived on Saturday afternoon in Arizona to join the #SFGiants. His glove and bats are apparently still “in a connecting city.” First lesson of big league life Joe, your glove fits in the overhead bin…..

 

 

 

Joe Panik. No batting average. 1,000 Obp. Nice start. #sfgiants

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Although marijuana is legal in Colorado, Google, Twitter and Facebook do not accept pot ads. Morality issues? Or are they thinking their target audience wouldn’t remember the ads anyway?

 

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The new “Northwest Science Museum Vision Centre, in Boise, Idaho dedicated to creationism, claims Noah took baby dinosaurs onto his ark because the adults would not fit. Your move, Florida

 

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Chris Christie, ranting at the “Faith and Freedom Coalition” conference. “Name me the one pro-life Democrat who has ever been able and allowed to speak at a Democratic National Convention since Roe v. Wade. Don’t strain yourself, because there’s never been one. Theirs is the party that’s intolerant … ” Maybe what Christie meant was “the GOP is the party of memory loss.”

 

 

Spurred on?

June 14, 2014

San Antonio #Spurs stars include Tim Duncan, from the Virgin Islands, Tony Parker, from France, born in Belgum, Manu Ginoboli, Argentina and Boris Diaw, France. And then there are bench players Tiago Splitter, Brazil, Cory Joseph, Canada, Aron Baynes, Argentina and of course, Patty Mills, Australia. It’s like watching the #WorldCup without soccer.

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Lebron James, asked what to do to force a game 6? Uh, score more points than the Spurs?

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Hard to believe it’s been 20 years since the O.J.Simpson saga began. Imagine what the murders, chase and trial would have been like in a social media era.  And probably very un PC to imagine the hashtags.

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Seen on a bottle of “Angry Orchard” hard apple cider. “Naturally gluten free.” Maybe because there is no gluten in apples?

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So has Sergio Romo been given some sort of subsidy to promote liquor sales in the San Francisco area? #SFGiants

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Kanye West, on his goal to surpass legends “I ain’t concerned about anyone who’s living, and added that “I’m going after Shakespeare..” Talk about a midsummer night’s dream.

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The NY Times is reporting on an increasing number of people who want Mitt Romney to run for President. Presume these people are called “Democrats.”

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Amazing. Governor Rick Scott just signed a bill saying that abortions will be illegal in Florida at any point in a woman’s pregnancy if her doctor determines that the fetus could survive outside the womb. His spokesman said he “was glad to sign this bill that protects the lives of children,” But Scott still hasn’t done anything about Medicaid expansion. So Florida’s children better be born tough. (and as Todd says, “be ready to stand their ground.”

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JetBlue Airways today says they apologized to a mother who said her 3 year old daughter had to urinate in her airplane seat because a flight attendant would not let her use the restroom while the plane sat on the tarmac at JFK airport. The JetBlue said they gave the mom a $50 credit and will donate $5000 to her favorite charity. And presumably the airline and others are contemplating a surcharge for seats guaranteed not to have been occupied by toddlers?

 

(as my friend Tim Church says, are they changing their name to “JetEwwwwwwwww”)

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The United Church of Christ in the mid-Atlantic region today passed a resolution telling its 40,000 members not to buy Redskins game tickets or to wear team gear until they change their name. Or presumably until Washington starts winning, whichever comes first. #longwait

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Delay tonight in Oakland for the As and Yankees game due to a power failure.   Maybe Oakland is trying to prove they should host a Super Bowl?

The pain, the pain.

May 25, 2014

Really? AP story starts out “Rory McIlroy put aside the anguish in his private life to win the European Tour’s flagship BMW PGA Championship.” Anguish? Uh, HE broke off the engagement, and after sending out wedding invitations. “I feel so sorry for him,” said no women.

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Landon Donovan today told the media he thought he should be going to his fourth World Cup. And many Americans responded “So when’s this World Cup? “

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New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie inaugurated the Memorial Day Weekend at Jersey Shore and did shots with Ashbury Park Mayor Matthew J. Doherty. If it was Obama, the Fox headline would be “Is the President an alcoholic?”

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Ebay just sent out an email FRIDAY NIGHT to all users saying they must change their passwords due to a data breach. Gosh, how did Ebay hear about this problem, on CNN?

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A NY Jets fan in California has purchased the “Butt Fumble” jersey worn by Mark Sanchez. He says he will likely frame it and hang it on his wall, “until we win a Super Bowl or I can get together enough money to put it on a rocket ship and shoot it to outer space because I don’t think it belongs on this planet anymore,” Wonder how much he’ll have to save for that rocket ship.

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Amazon is trying to increase profits and is being accused in some cases of pushing e-books over physical books. Awfully hard though to have a collection of autographed e-books.

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Tampa Bay Rays beat the Boston Red Sox in 15 innings. Game lasted almost as long as a typical Red Sox Yankees game.

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Now Matt Cain will miss another start with a sore hamstring. The #SFGiants keep getting injured, and keep winning. Wonder how many more players they will need to spend time on the DL to have a chance of winning it all this year

 

Ryan Hunter-Reayw won his first Indianapolis 500 today. And the reaction from most Americans. a. Who? and b.. How many crashes?

 

 

-Congrats to the #Dodgers Josh Beckett for the first no-hitter of 2014. Beer and fried chicken in the clubhouse on him?

 

 

And okay, the young man in Santa Barbara who allegedly killed 6 people besides himself was seeing therapists. His own parents called the police because they were worried he was dangerous. And he bought all three guns he used legally…. How many more?

 

Until something do us part.

May 24, 2014

Apparently costumed employees at Kim Kardashian and Kanye West’s pre-wedding party at Versailles were instructed not to talk to the guests. Wonder if they did allow them to eat leftover cake.

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Kanye West said Kim Kardashian is “more beautiful than I am talented.” And those of us who aren’t fans of either are thinking “Well, that could be right.” #damningwithfaintpraise

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The wedding ceremony presumably went smoothly, after all Kim should have those vows memorized by now.

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Got to wonder, where are all those “sanctity of marriage” types complaining about the “Kimye” wedding?   (It is her third.)

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Ah, Memorial Day weekend. The beginning of summer, when women can wear white and Cubs fans can put up the white flag.

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At this point the only U.S. state where anti-gay marriage laws are not being challenged is North Dakota. Guess the state’s not too worried about losing potential tourism from gay weddings?

 

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The Univ. of Tennessee’s chapter of the Alpha Phi Alpha fraternity has been suspended after students admitted to hazing pledges by pouring hot sauce on their genitals. Once again, proving that one of the all-time oxymoron phrases is “Fraternity Men.”

 

ESPN asks the question “Do the Heat really have another gear they reserve for the playoffs?”. Sounds better than “Do they lollygag through the regular season?”

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Former Cubs pitcher Andrew Cashner, now with the San Diego Padres, says that Wrigley Field may be great for the fans, but for players “it’s a dump.” Well, at least Cubs players don’t have to play in the dump when it gets cold in October.

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Thursday’s suspended Giants Rockies game, game 47 on the schedule, will be made up in September, starting in the 6th inning, tied 2-2. Wonder if Santiago Casilla, who injured his hamstring Wednesday, will be the first pitcher to spend 4 weeks on the DL, and play, in the same season, in his team’s very next game….

 

Asian TSA agent cheerfully pushing a big cart of tubs back up to the front of the line at SFO. Calls out “Careful, Asian driver coming through.” A lot of people – including me – look to see his ethnicity before laughing.

 

Could be worse, #SFGiants fans, Sergio Romo has looked a bit shaky lately. But then there’s the White Sox closer Ronald Belisario, who has allowed a run during each of his last three outings, and blew a 3-0 lead with two out in the 9th inning.

 

 

 

Matt Cain may or may not make his next start for the San Francisco Giants after he strained his hamstring Wednesday. Bummer as Cain finally seemed recovered after he sliced his finger while trying to cut a sandwich.     As Hartley Miller said “Presumably when he returns to the lineup Cain started using his forkball.”

 

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So how long until the NRA issues a statement on the mass shooting near UC Santa Barbara saying “if only the students had all been armed.”

What’s in a name?

May 22, 2014

50 U.S.Senators sent a letter to the NFL saying it was time for the league “to endorse a name change for the Washington, D.C. football team.” Of course the team could change from the derogatory “Redskins” to the even more derogatory “Senators.”

 

 

After her breakup with Rory McIlroy, Caroline Wozniacki said on Twitter today “It’s a hard time for me right now.” And around the world, millions of men are thinking “I could help.”.

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Fox News anchor Gregg Jarrett was arrested for being drunk and belligerent with police at Minneapolis-St. Paul airport bar yesterday afternoon. Will Jarrett claim it was because he had a wide drinking stance?

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Today’s #SFGiants Rockies game was suspended in the 6th due to weather. Will be made up when the Giants return to Denver in September. Since that’s after trade deadline and call-ups, will be interesting to see how many of the same players are still on the same teams…

 

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At June’s San Diego County Fair, attendees will be able to buy a Krispy Kreme triple cheeseburger. Presumably it comes with a side of Beta Blockers?

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A video has surfaced of an Easter sermon from “Duck Dynasty”‘s Phil Robertson “Neither the sexually immoral, nor the idolators, nor adulterers, nor male prostitutes, nor homosexual offenders, nor thieves, nor greedy, nor drunkards, nor slanderers, nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God.” Can’t wait for Robertson’s next appearance with some of Louisiana’s members of Congress. Especially Senator David Vitter.

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Boston Red Sox pitcher Felix Doubront says he bruised his left shoulder by bumping into a car door. Was he on his way to wash his truck at the time?

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(My friend JL suggests  “Baseball players should have a writer they can go to to make up believable excuses when they hurt themselves doing something that would get them fined by the team.”.   I see a new business opportunity.)

 

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Mother of 19, Michelle Duggar, 47, says she has gone to a fertility doctor,if there are things physically I need to know, that I need to do, health-wise just to be ready to catch a baby if God saw fit to give us one..” And God is thinking “When I said ‘go forth and multiply’ I didn’t mean exponentially.”

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Miley Cyrus denied Jennifer Lawrence’s story that Cyrus told a very drunk Lawrence to “get it together” at a post-Oscars party. Makes sense, who would ever believe Miley Cyrus would tell ANYONE to get it together?

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In Virginia, a 2nd-grade teacher was arrested for allegedly being drunk while trying to teach his class. In his defense will he say he was pretending to be a pilot?

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Prince Fielder is now expected to have season-ending fusion surgery to repair a herniated disk in his neck. The Texas Rangers aren’t a baseball team, they’re an episode of “Survivor.”

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From Bill Litttlejohn:  “Witnesses say that Mitch ‘Wild Thing’ Williams ordered a beaning in a Little League game.The kid tried, but still threw the ball over the batter’s head and into the backstop””

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So with NBA playoffs that seems to go on forever, the next game is…Saturday night? Is the league trying to become as irrelevant as American Idol?

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There were no NBA playoff games tonight in either the Eastern or Western Conference. And the league is thinking, how many more off days do we need before we can stretch the postseason into, say, August?

 

 

What’s more surprising? That the Dodgers’ Zack Greinke’s stretch of 21 straight starts of allowing two or fewer runs ended, (a record that hasn’t been matched in 100 years)? Or that it ended against the NY Mets?

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From Marc Ragovin;  “I’m not saying the Mets are drawing small crowds this year, but the other day a few fans at Citi Field started doing “The Ripple.”

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So despite all the uproar about Mark Cuban’s comments about bigotry, this is what he actually said, “”I mean, we’re all prejudiced in one way or another. If I see a black kid in a hoodie and it’s late at night, I’m walking to the other side of the street. And if on that side of the street, there’s a guy that has tattoos all over his face — white guy, bald head, tattoos everywhere — I’m walking back to the other side of the street.” Strikes me as the most honest thing we’ve heard out of any NBA owner.

A kiss is still a kiss?

May 12, 2014

Okay, I get it, gay relationships make some people uncomfortable. But those who think ESPN showing Michael Sam kissing his BOYFRIEND sets a bad example for children seem to have no problem with pictures of Johnny Manziel partying with several scantily clad women.

 

In an effort to mock Michelle Obama’s #Bringbackourgirls campaign Ann Coulter tweeted a photo of herself holding a #Bringbackourcountry sign. And photoshoppers are proving that it is possible for a 52 year old woman to underestimate technology as badly as an 80 year old NBA owner.

 

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Clay AIken was leading his Democratic Congressional primary opponent by a few hundred votes and the race was heading for a recount. But Keith Crisco, 71, died after a fall at his home. Does this mean God is a member of the gay mafia?

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Oscar Pistorius’s defense team is now arguing that the former Olympic star has “anxiety issues” Right, like Pistorius is anxious now that he may spend the rest of his life in jail.

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So who’s going to fix #SolangeKnowles up on a blind date with #ChrisBrown?

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A Mankato, Minnesota man is in critical condition after a alleged assault by former Minnesota QB Philip Nelson, who just had transferred to Rutgers. Sounds like Nelson’s next transfer will be from the Scarlet Knights to the Mean Machine (the team in the Longest Yard.)

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The Cleveland Browns owner Jimmy Haslam says the team has told Johnny Manziel to start acting “like a backup quarterback.” So will Manziel now seek to trademark “Johnny Clipboard?”

 

How many people heard that #TylerColvin hit a home run and wondered “For which team?” #SFGiants

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Donald Sterling, on the apology trail – “Am I entitled to one mistake?” One mistake, maybe. One mistake on top of several racial discrimination lawsuits…. not so much.

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#DonaldSterling “I am not a racist.” I think I like “I was pushed into a lifeboat” better.

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The #SFGiants, who were going to miss Jose Fernandez during the Marlins visit to SF, were sorry to hear the young Miami ace has been placed on the 15-day DL with a sprained elbow. Especially since Fernandez’s next start was against the Dodgers.

 

Move over Matt Cain. Jeff Samardzija has you beat. The Chicago Cubs beat the St. Louis Cardinals tonight 17-5. Samardzija, 0-3, has a 1.45 ERA. In his 8 starts, the Cubs have scored 15 runs.

 

Great quote from  #SF Giants manager Bruce Bochy about Pablo Sandoval, who he batted in the cleanup sport Sunday despite a .173 average.  “He asked me how much I had to drink last night.”

To tweet or not to tweet?

May 11, 2014

The Dolphins said they will “sit down” with player Don Jones after he tweeted a negative reaction when the Rams drafted Michael Sam. Okay, I get that people have feelings and prejudices. But how in this day and age is an NFL player stupid enough to put it out on social media?

 

 

How much trouble could be avoided with pro athletes if Twitter had an app saying “Would your mother approve of this tweet? #HappyMothersDay

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Apparently some people did have a problem with ESPN showing Michael Sam kissing his boyfriend. Maybe they were disappointed the network didn’t show A.J. McCarron kissing Katherine Webb?

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NFL players have the right to believe whatever they want about sex and sexual orientation. But can’t remember any of them making a negative public statement about a teammate who was accused of rape or domestic violence

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From Alex Kaseberg “Happy Mother’s Day. Today hundreds of NBA players look at their ringing phones and mutter; “I’m not gonna take this one.” #MothersDay

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Walgreen’s today had a large display of Mother’s Day bouquets for $9.99 by the cash register. Which presumably went perfectly with that card you forgot and also stopped into Walgreen’s to buy.

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Anyone who says baseball players aren’t manly men, I give you Aroldis Chapman, back on the mound less than 2 months after being struck in the face by one of his 100 mph fastballs lined back at him. And he got the save for the Reds.

 

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Wonder how many people turned off the Clippers game when the Thunder had a huge lead and the Dodgers-Giants game when Kershaw had a one-run lead?

 

#SFGIants. Until further notice, #Pablosandoval is only allowed to hit with a pink bat.

(Until today, this from Andrew Baggerly on Sandoval “He has come to bat with 86 runners on base and driven in four of them.”   The Panda drove in 2 with his pink bat.)

 

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Although original rumors said Shane Skov was going to the Oakland Raiders, Skov himself tweeted that he signed as an undrafted free agent with the 49ers instead. Makes sense, he IS from Stanford, the guy is supposed to be smart.

 

“Nashville” has been renewed by ABC.  Yes!  Yes! Yes!  #Guiltypleasures

Sam I Ram.

May 10, 2014

Sign of progress, it seemed absolutely irrelevant today that Michael Sam’s boyfriend is white. #Thetimestheyareachanging #MichaelSa

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A thought about Michael Sam being drafted. Yeah, maybe some in the media are making too much of it. But changes don’t get to be small deals without the first ones being big deals.

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CNN commentator Margaret Hoover, on the Rams’ drafting Michael Sam, that she hopes the message will be for high school kids that “they don’t have to be afraid of choosing to be gay or choosing their dream in sportsmanship and professional sports.”   Just like Jackie Robinson helped kids not be afraid of choosing to be black.

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A.J. McCarron, who is now engaged to Katherine Webb, has been chosen in the NFL draft by Cincinnati. And Brent Musberger has already inquired about broadcasting Bengals games.

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Today is Mother’s Day. Or as they say in the NBA “So many women, so little time.”

 

-It may be “No Country for Old Men” but it sure is a Western Conference Semifinals for old men. #Spurs

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#SFGiants Pablo Sandoval has as much a chance of getting a hit w/ 2 strikes now as Donald Sterling does of getting another NAACP award.

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For the second time in 3 days, planes have hit birds at LaGuardia Airport. No injuries were reported. “Speak for yourselves,” say relatives of the birds.

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Elin Nordegren, speaking at her Rollins College graduation, mentioned that her divorce “was right after I had taken communication and the media… I probably should have taken more notes in that class.” Tiger is just glad Elin wasn’t taking lessons in how to swing a golf club.

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A South Carolina high school teacher has been accused of having sex with three different students in one day. Clearly these budget cutbacks have our educators stretched too thin.

 

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Headline “IndyCar Grand Prix of Indianapolis Marred by Huge Crash.” And a lot of casual racing fans are thinking “Marred?”

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The NBA apparently believes it can also remove Donald Sterling’s estranged wife Shelly from ownership of the Los Angeles Clippers. If private phone conversations are a problem, how much more slippery a slope is being married to an a**hole?

 

Not quite a Virgin flight…

May 7, 2014

A woman was detained and then released by Las Vegas police after she apparently got drunk on board a Virgin Atlantic flight from London and noisily joined the Mile High Club,with a man she had just met on board. The best part – she was traveling with her PARENTS. And you think some of your family vacations have been awkward.

 

 

The NFL Draft is coming Thursday. For the uninitiated, that means for a few days ESPN will be only slightly less fixated on the draft than CNN has been on MH370.

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After a social media storm,  Eric LeGrand is again speaking at Rutgers’ commencement. “I’ll take ‘Damage Control’ for $1000, Alex.”

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Apparently Toronto mayor Rob Ford may have disappeared on his way to rehab in Chicago. You actually kind of hope he’s hiking the Appalachian Trail

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Golden State Warriors have fired coach Mark Jackson, saying they think “it’s time to move in a different direction.” Like back out of the playoffs?

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SFGiants are getting about as much production out of Pablo Sandoval as they would if he were on the DL.

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Many frustrated #SFGiants fans want Bruce Bochy to bat Pablo Sandoval 8th. Although there are others who disagree and think the Panda should bat 9th.

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Anyone who needs a reason to root for the San Antonio Spurs, I give you coach Gregg Popovich. He’s been having WNBA star Becky Hammon, who wants to coach someday, attend practices. And Popovich says about a female NBA coach someday – “I don’t see why not. There shouldn’t be any limitations. It’s about talent and the ability to do things. It’s not about what your sex is or your race is or anything else

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The Spurs were on a roll. Tonight looked like one of the most uneven matchups in San Antonio since the Alamo.

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Would ANYONE who hadn’t watched the regular season and just turned in for the #NBAplayoffs have guessed the #IndianaPacers were a #1 seed?

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Monica Lewinsky, in a Vanity Fair article: “I, myself, deeply regret what happened between me and President Clinton. Let me say it again: I. Myself. Deeply. Regret. What. Happened.” More like she regrets a – getting caught, and b- not having that fifteen minutes of fame turn into something lucrative?

 

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Just an open note to those in the GOP who want to use Monica Lewinsky’s book against Hillary. The American public knows Bill Clinton is a tomcat. We knew that when we elected him the first time. And we would have elected him a third time if possible. Yeah it makes for good punchlines but in the big picture nobody cares.So get over it. #puritans

 

From Marc Ragovin;  ” Willie Mays turned 83 on Tuesday. Of course he has now gone from “say hey” to “what did you say?””

 


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