Posted tagged ‘SF Giants jokes’

“DH, we don’t need no stinkin’ DH”

August 16, 2015

Biggest problem right now for SF Giants manager with Madison Bumgarner?  Getting his ace left hander to shut up about possibly pinch hitting.

Yeah, so  Zack Greinke‬ pitched 7 innings of 1 run baseball w/ home run. Madison Bumgarner‬ just called & raised him. Shutout, home run & RBI double.

So Madison Bumgarner’s worst outing of the year was in Washington, D.C., July 4, when he allowed six runs in five innings against the Nats. Think Madbum was just a bit p*ssed off when he took the mound today?

Madison Bumgarner has four home runs for the year. And in the SF Giants broadcast booth Duane Kuiper is trying not to cry.

(for non baseball fans. Kuiper had a 12 year career in MLB – one home run. Total.)

Costumed characters hustling for tips in Times Square have become a New York tradition. The newest trend, near-naked women wearing only thongs and red, white and blue body paint. Wonder how many fathers are volunteering to do reconnaissance missions to make sure the area hasn’t become too inappropriate for children

Oscar Pistorius will be released from jail this week after serving 10 months for killing his girlfriend Reeva Steenkamp. Even Los Angeles juries are thinking he got off easy.

Tim Tebow is back. But don’t laugh. At this point he’s still a more realistic potential NFL quarterback than Donald Trump is a realistic potential President.

So Trump is going to pay for a border wall by taxing all Mexican visitors to the U.S.? And what exactly is he going to do with all those crazies from Canada, eh?

Freshman QB Ricky Town. who had verbally committed to Alabama but decided to go to USC after the Trojans hired Steve Sarkisian, is transferring to another school. Apparently ,while highly touted, Town didn’t turn out to be the best freshman QB in spring camp.

So Karma is either a Crimson Tide fan, or just in mean bitch mode.

The Cubs lost today. But before the game Chicago manager Joe Maddon said he wasn’t changing his socks during the team’s 9 game win streak. Maybe the superstition helped. But at least it probably assured Maddon had a row to himself on the team plane

How often does a golfer go -17 for a major tournament and end up in 2nd place? ‪#‎JordanSpieth‬ ‪#‎JasonDay‬ ‪#‎PGA‬

Donald Trump said that illegal immigrants in this country “have to go.” Wait…. does Trump have a visa for that furry thing that lives on his head?

Brewers manager Craig Counsell and players told a Milwaukee paper that if now openly gay David Denson, now playing for the team’s rookie league, makes it to the big leagues, he will be welcome.

Bringing to mind the great quote from Willie Mays, who when asked a few years ago if a gay player would be welcome in a major league clubhouse, simply responded “Can he hit?”

San Diego gave QB Philip Rivers a $65 million guaranteed contract. The Chargers are throwing money around like they’re a Los Angeles team already.

Mike Huckabee says he supports Paraguay’s decision to deny a 10 year old rape victim an abortion. “Let’s not compound a tragedy by taking yet another life.” And of course that poor girl should have government assistance and health care including mental health care so her own life isn’t ruined…. Oh wait, government dependency should end at birth.
I believe the British have the correct term here – “f*ckwit.”

From T.C  “The Guinness Book of World Records is reporting that the world’s oldest cat is age 26, named Corduroy and lives in Sisters, Oregon. Skeptics call BS, and say it’s all just a ploy to get a dentist out of hiding.”

Reservations?

August 9, 2015

After the Pittsburgh Pirates scored 9 runs in the 7th inning against the Dodgers bullpen, beginning to look like biggest competition between SF and LA in October might be over best airline/hotel rates for a vacation in Hawaii.

Seventeen GOP candidates running for President. And after last Thursday’s debates a lot of Americans are thinking “can’t we have a few more choices?”

Carly Fiorina talking about being a supporter of women’s rights makes as much sense as Bristol Palin being an abstinence spokeswoman.

And Carly Fiorina said today she opposes mandatory paid maternity leave. Proving again that the only women’s rights Fiorina really supports are her own.

Thinking if Donald Trump really wants to attract independent voters, he’d lay off Megyn Kelly and start going after Ann Coulter.

New NBC GOP Presidential primary poll: Trump – 23%, Carson – 11%, Fiorina and Rubio 8% each. I’ll take “Four people who will never be President for $800, Alex.”

#‎WrigleyField‬ was just evacuated after a bomb threat. Fortunately the threat turned out to be as nonexistent as today’s ‪#‎SFGiants‬ offense.

At Yankee Stadium, a fan threw a home run ball from Toronto’s Jose Bautista back onto the field and it hit NY outfielder Brett Gardner. Gardner was uninjured. These days the way things are going for SF Giants – three starters injured on a 10 game road trip,  had one of their fans done the same thing, they’d have hit Pence and put him on the DL.

#SFGiants didn’t get all the players they wanted at the trade deadline, and this odd year doesn’t look like their year. On the other ,hand, watching the Pirates score 9 runs in the 7th inning, 8 against Jim Johnson who the #Dodgers basically bought from the Braves by taking on contracts.. ah, #schadenfreude.

But, Duane Kuiper saying that the ‪#‎SFGiants‬ caught a break with the weather on this Chicago trip. Thinking more of a break might have been to have had the entire series rained out.

The Redskins and Texans ended up in a brawl after their three-day joint practice. Shame most Washington fans didn’t see it, might be the best hits their team will get in all year.

So a ‪#‎BlackLivesMatter‬ group disrupted a Bernie Sanders event. Isn’t that like a White Supremacist group disrupting a GOP Presidential Debate?  Or an anti-abortion group doing the same thing?

All-Star Eve

July 13, 2015

Congrats to Todd Frazier, who defeated Joc Pederson 14-13 to win the All-Star Home Run Derby. MLB next year may shoot for even higher totals. So instead of players inviting friends and relatives to throw potential home run balls to them, the league may give the job to the Red Sox pitching staff.

There were actually worries that severe thunderstorms might have rained tonight out.  So maybe even God was thinking He/She was getting a bit tired of the Home Run Derby.

Even Gregg Popovich is impressed with this exchange between a FoxSports reporter and Zack Greinke.

“Matt Vasgergian: “Zack, you want to say a few words?”

Zack Greinke: “No.”

Some SF Giants fans are unhappy that Bruce Bochy is starting Zack Greinke over Madison Bumgarner in the All-Star Game. But really, Greinke IS having a better year. Must have helped to have had most of last October off.

All-Star Game starting pitchers, the Dodgers’ Zack Greinke and the Astros’ Dallas Keuchel. Top two questions from casual baseball fans: 1. Aren’t the Astros in the NL? and 2. Dallas who?

Open note to Bruce Bochy. If the All-Star game is down to the bottom of the ninth and the NL is behind, save one of those Pirate players to pinch hit. ‪#‎backtobackextrainningwalkoffs‬

What’s a bigger sign of the apocalypse? That the AL All-Star game has no starters from either the Yankees or the Red Sox? Or that the Cubs are over .500 at the All-Star break?

(thanks to Neal for the idea that got the above started.)

Not only did Mexican drug lord El Chapo escape, he did so via a lighted and ventilated tunnel, over a mile long, which he somehow had built while inside a maximum security prison. It’s a shame this guy is such a bad dude, Caltrans could use him to oversee some of their building projects.

 

FSU president John E. Thrasher met with the Semnoles’ football team today, and apparently gave them a lecture to remind them that playing for Florida State is a “privilege, not a right.”

Seems like three words would have done it. “Don’t get arrested.”

This week is the SEC media days for football. Over 1,200 (not a typo) members of the media requested credentials. And some people really wonder why these players have trouble with the student-athlete concept….

Fortunately there were no injuries when a 19 year-old-old crashed his car in Atherton, California Saturday night, totaling the car and wiping out fences and shubbery. He was allegedly drunk. The car was a 2014 Tesla. Another possible affluenza defense?

Scott Walker officially announced he was running for President. Thereby surprising most people who figured he was already running for President.

Joys of the modern age. When you need to change a password. And it’s got to be complicated with different cases, punctuation marks and numbers. And while you’re typing that new password it has to be encrypted so you can’t see what you’re typing.

THEN it asks you to confirm the new password. And says the confirmation doesn’t match, please correct. Except you have no idea if the error was in the first or the second typing because of the encryption. Okay I am done now. ‪#‎therehastobeaneasierway‬

Now it’s Marco Rubio reporting his fundraising  – $12 million in the last 3 months. You know, if you’re someone who makes GOP commercials and campaign material, and you’re still unemployed at this point, you just might want to find another line of work.

From T.C. “Russell Wilson’s new sweetie is singing the anthem at All Star game tomorrow. Wonder if he’ll show up to hand her the microphone.

Rainbow warriors

June 27, 2015

The SF Giants posted this temporary change in their logo today.  Clearly not aiming to have more games televised this season on Fox.

 

 

rainbow

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Think some of these GOP Presidential candidates might be thinking carefully about going off on the Supreme Court today. They never know when they might need ‪#‎SCOTUS‬ to deliver them an election.

Scott Walker is upset about today’s Supreme Court gay marriage decision, lambasting “five unelected judges.” Right, it’s “five unelected judges,” when he doesn’t like the decision, and “defenders of our freedom” for things like Citizens United and Hobby Lobby.

 

Mike Huckabee “The Supreme Court can no more repeal the laws of nature and nature’s God on marriage than it can the law of gravity.” – Wait a minute, Huckabee believes in gravity?

 

So trying to think how this gay marriage decision really can hurt any heterosexual couples. Well, except for those procrastinators who were interested in planning last minute summer weddings at popular venues. ‪#‎competition‬

The latest public figure comment on the Confederate flag “I think it’s offensive to an entire race. It does nothing for anybody to be there flying, so I don’t see any reason. It belongs in the history books and that’s about it.”- Dale Earnhardt Jr.

Forget governors and senators, now we’re talking a man Southerners really respect.

Anheuser-Busch lost a class-action lawsuit over Beck’s beer, and will have to pay customers up to $50 each. The company allegedly tricked customers into paying more for an actual import beer, because the Beck’s label says “originated in Bremen, Germany,” and only in the small print does it say brewed in the US.

Wonder how much Anheuser-Busch will have to pay when some one sues them for selling Bud Light as actual beer.

Donald Trump will finally report for jury duty in August, after being fined for ignoring five summonses in nine years. Only the little people serve on juries?

A a news conference, Philadelphia Phillies’ manager, Ryne Sandberg announced he is resigning and leaving the team. And Phillies’ season ticket holders are thinking “you can do that?”

 

From T.C.  Ballot stuffing has resulted in 8 Kansas City starters voted onto the AL All Star team. As the winner of the event gets World Series home games advantage, wouldn’t it be wiser for KC fans to vote in the entire Phillies team instead?

 

Scott Walker on Wednesday signed two bills, one eliminating a 48 hour waiting period for buying a gun, allowing off-duty or retired police officers to carry concealed weapons at public schools.

Alas, while Google now allows you “un-send” an email sent in anger, they haven’t figured out how to “un-fire” a bullet.

And guess Walker never heard, for one example, of the retired officer in Florida who shot and killed a man for texting in the theater?

Going down

June 24, 2015

And so in Alabama, Gov. Robert Bentley just simply ordered the Confederate flag taken down from the Capitol. The most stunning thing about this, no fuss, no muss, no drama – he just had it taken down. What a concept! .

Who says there’s no hope for our country? The Confederate flag is coming down everywhere, and FOX News has declined to renew Sarah Palin’s $1 million-a-year contract as a contributor.

Just in case anyone thought we were having too much of a epidemic of sanity on the Confederate flag issue, I give you Ann Coulter, who is upset with Nikki Haley: “I’m appalled…though on the other hand, she is an immigrant and does not understand America’s history.” (Haley was born in Bamberg, South Carolina.)

Although suppose Coulter might be tangentially onto something. As an alien Ann herself doesn’t really understand humans.

Apparently since no other candidate has broken out of the pack, Bobby Jindal thinks he has a chance and is going to join the 2016 Presidential race. You know, I can watch a tight cluster of people atop say, the U.S. Open leaderboard, without suddenly thinking I could win at golf.

Regarding that Whole Foods overcharging story, where NYC inspectors found EVERY label was inaccurate as to weight. So the store couldn’t have just raised prices a dollar or so a pound? Seems like their basic pricing policy already was ‪#‎ifyouhavetoaskyoucantaffordit‬

Before tonight, the SF Giants are averaging 2.91 runs a game at AT&T Park and over 5 runs a game during away games. This is as skewed a road to home scoring ratio as we have seen since Bill Clinton first hit the campaign trail.

So since the ‪#‎SFGiants‬ don’t seem to be able to hit at home these days, maybe they should get a certain former left fielder in for a little batting practice coaching. #25 always seemed to manage it pretty well.

Though to be fair, the Giants now haves Nori Aoki on the DL due to a fractured fibula after being hit by a pitch, joining Hunter Pence who is on the DL due to a wrist injury resulting from HIS forearm being broken by a pitch in spring training. So is this the league’s plan to dethrone the World Champions,, take them out one player at a time?

Amtrak apparently stranded passengers on a New York City bound train Tuesday for about five hours without food, air conditioning or working bathrooms. Are they really trying to compete with the airlines?”

Chicago Bears QB Jay Cutler’s wife, Kristin Cavallari, apparently told ELLE Magazine earlier that the family wants to leave Chicago and move to Nashville once her husband retires. And many Bears fans are thinking, “Could this be arranged by Christmas?”

In a Fox News poll, 18% of respondents said Donald Trump is a serious candidate; 77% said he is “a side show.” Presumably the other 5% were laughing so hard they couldn’t speak.

This ought to be entertaining. The Grateful Dead concerts this weekend at Levi’s Stadium follow NFL rules. Meaning you can bring a small clutch or wallet, but the ONLY bags you can bring in are limited-size clear plastic bags, period. Well, at least most Deadheads have years of experience going to concerts with small plastic bags.

Hawk-ey nigt.

June 15, 2015

The Stanley Cup was late in arriving after the Blackhawks win tonight due to “weather issues.”. Rather appropriate for a team that plays in Chicago’s United Center.

But yeah, nothing says it’s time for the NHL’s Stanley Cup Final like summer thunderstorms.

 

 

You know you’re in San Francisco when…the best part of a really bad ‪#‎SFGiants‬ game is the gay marriage proposal. ‪#‎hesaidyes‬

 

As the last sections of ‪#Candlestickpark‬ come down, the ‪#‎SFGiants‬ are in the midst of one of their worst home losing streaks. Coincidence?

 

One of Aaron Hernandez’s lawyers says he has evidence that one of the jurors was “untruthful” during jury selection. Translation, Hernandez isn’t out of money yet.

It’s June 15. And if it seems like you can’t remember the NBA regular season…..well, that might be because it ended TWO MONTHS AGO today. ‪#‎stillnosignoflandhowlongisit‬

Considering how competitive Lebron James is making the NBA finals almost all by himself, it does make the Spurs’ 2014 performance all the more amazing since they beat James when he actually had a team, and two other stars, playing with him.

 

Don’t get me wrong, I’m thrilled not to see an AL All-Star team full of Yankees and Red Sox Players. But seven Royals starting? And fans can vote a maximum of 35 times per email address. Great to have World Series home advantage decided in part by a process with all the integrity of American Idol.

Pope Francis apparently will be issuing an encyclical on the environment saying that climate change is the Earth’s way of protesting “irresponsible use and abuse of the goods that God placed in her.” Waiting for some religious conservatives to respond “Yeah, well what does HE know?”

Jeb Bush’s campaign logo is going to read simply “Jeb!” Amazing, politicians come to power mostly because of their last names, and then do everything they can to hope we forget it.

So how long until Jeb Bush starts campaigning on avoiding a return to what he says are the failed policies of the Clinton era?

 

So regarding that Waldorf-Astoria wedding, apparently after the shooting hotel security cancelled the “million dollar” reception because the gun had not been found, and because two of their employees had been injured. And the bride was livid. Okay, so maybe the NYPD can save money by not charging this idiot with a crime: Just put him -unarmed – and the bride in a locked room for about an hour.

San Diego has fired manager Bud Black. Maybe a new manager will make a difference. Or maybe the Padres are just a newer Southern California version of the Cubs.

Gap is going to close 25% of their stores, 175 in total, which will leave the company with operate about 500 specialty locations and 300 outlet stores. Uh, not that I really know retail, but maybe if you have 60% as many “outlets” as you have regular retail, you just MIGHT be diluting and damaging your brand

D’oh

June 10, 2015

Rumor has it that Homer and Marge Simpson will “legally separate” in this season’s premier of the long running cartoon show. Wow. The damage that legalizing gay marriage does to traditional marriage knows no bounds.

The South’s Royal palace. Home of “the King.”. (No, it’s not Lebron.)

 

graceland

 

Elvis Presley was 25 when he met and started hanging out with his future wife. She was 14. ‪#‎differenttimes‬

So the way the Cleveland Cavaliers are dropping like flies how long until Lebron James puts an ad on Craigslist for potential game 6 or 7 teammates?

Elon Musk says that Tesla will have self-driving cars within 3 years. Wonder if the more you pay for the model the more the car will act like it’s being driven by an a**hole?

Torii Hunter, who was thrown out of the Twins-Royals game for arguing a called third, apparently threw his batting gloves, elbow pad, shin guard AND jersey on the field after his ejection.   And here some tantrum fans worried instant replay would do away with such exhibitions.

 

R.I.P Vincent Musetto, 74.   Who?   Musetto was a retired NY Post editor. Who might have written  the best headline of all time – “Headless body in topless bar.”

Four tourists, including a brother and sister from Canada, have been arrested for stripping naked on a Malaysian mountain. Locals they say they angered the tribal spirits and caused a recent deadly earthquake, Wow. How often do you hear “Ah those ugly Canadians!”?”

 

 

Pat Robertson, when asked why God would allow a baby to die in the hospital responded. “As far as God’s concerned, he knows the answer from the beginning. And he sees the little baby, and that little baby could grow up to be Adolf Hitler… . He could grow up to be some serial killer. Or he could grow up to die of a hideous disease. God sees all that. And for that life to be terminated when he’s still a baby, he’s going to be with God forever in heaven. And that isn’t a bad thing.”

How come people like Robertson never use that line of reasoning with abortions?

 

 

No Panda, no Morse. No power free agent signing. Did someone forget to tell the SF Giants that they were supposed to play small ball?


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