Posted tagged ‘SF Giants jokes’

Tarred if not feathered?

April 23, 2014

 

Michael Pineda was ejected today when the umpire found pine tar on his neck. Really? Pine tar to pitch against the hitting-challenged Red Sox? That’s worse than stealing a base with a 7 run lead.

 

Another thought about Pineda. He had to know they were watching him after the alleged pine-tar on the glove earlier this year. And he puts it on his neck?! I don’t know if Jesus wept, but Gaylord Perry certainly did.

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The Chicago Cubs celebrated the 100th anniversary of the first game at Wrigley Field. With a 3-run lead in the 9th, and a 1-run lead with 1 out to go. And they lost, 7-5. Well, at least they honored their legacy appropriately.

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Sammy Sosa was absent from today’s ceremony commemorating the 100th anniversary of Wrigley Field. Supposedly he wasn’t invited. But maybe the Cubs just sent him an invitation in English?

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-From Nick Coombs  “Both Wrigley Field and Shakespeare are having their birthdays celebrated today. One crafts tragedies that echo throughout the ages, the other is a playwright.”-

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Men must have kidnapped #SFGiants and put imposters in their uniforms. But don’t call the police, the imposters can hit. #Byebyebaby

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#SF wins 12-10 on a safety over #Denver today This was a 49ers – Broncos game, right? #SFGiants 

Doctors say the Hawaii teen stowaway was probably saved by hypothermia. So why implode it? We could keep SF’s Candlestick Park as a medical facility.

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RIP Connie Marrero, 102, a former pitcher for the Washington Senators, who was the oldest living former MLB player. And one of the first to play with Jamie Moyer.

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The original Joe Paterno statue at Penn State has been torn down, but alums have raised money and hope to install a new statue downtown, which will feature Paterno sitting on a bench reading Virgil’s “Aeneid.” Would it be more appropriate to have the legendary coach with his hands covering his eyes?
(my friend Augie said he should have been reading Dante’s Inferno.)

 

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This tweet yesterday from Donald Trump: “Interesting how President Obama is flying around in a Boeing 747 on so-called Earth Day!” Even more interesting, this tweet from someone who a) doesn’t believe in climate change, and b) has his own personal 757

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From Garry Weiler, reminding us that the Giants and Red Sox are not the only hitting challenged teams in MLB  “the Seattle Mariners have scored 10 fewer runs than the Giants. Last night they had to leave the roof open at Safeco even though the weather was bad because they were afraid if they closed it that it would implode due to the Mariners sucking so badly.”

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Is it safe?

April 22, 2014

Security folks are still trying to figure out how a teenage boy was able to get onto the San Jose airport tarmac and into the wheel well of a commercial jet. On the brighter side, TSA said that day they did confiscate over 100 bottles of water.

 

Apparently Lindsey Vonn and Elin Nordegren have become good friends. Makes sense, Elin wants to know about her kids’ potential stepmom, and LIndsey wants to know how to check Tiger’s cellphone.

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A New Jersey cardiologist, trying to get out of paying $135,000 for FOUR visits to a strip club. claims he was drugged during each visit. Jeez. The guy is smart enough to get into med school, and he can’t think of a more creative excuse?

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The teenager who stowed away in the wheel well of that Hawaiian Airlines flight said he was trying to see his mother in Somalia. So give him an A for effort and an F for geography.

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On the Late Show last night, Courteney Cox said last night again that the “Friends” reunion is “not gonna happen.” Translation. no one has yet given them enough rea$on$.

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It will cost the Buffalo Bills about $3 million to settle a class action lawsuit for sending too many text messages to fans. So presumably the team will only send their fans one text to explain why this settlement means a rise in ticket prices.

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AOL is reporting that their email users have been hacked. Shocking. AOL still has email users?

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Inside airline humor:  The SF Chronicle’s Leah Garchik reports there will be a 50th reunion this weekend of Pan Am Class 12, 16 women who trained together in 1964 to become stewardesses. And then presumably after the reunion many of the women will go back to work as flight attendants on United’s Hawaii routes.

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Bob Dole, 90, in an interview said his “main concern about (the 2016) elections is that, well, I just hope I’m still around to vote then. If not … I plan to vote absentee.” If Jimmy Carter had said that the GOP would be screaming about potential voter fraud.

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More from Bob Dole “A number of the younger members, first-termers like Rand Paul, (Marco) Rubio Morand that extreme-right-wing guy – Ted Cruz? All running for president now. I don’t think they’ve got enough experience yet.” So maybe Dole secretly wants to run again with John McCain?

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At this point opposing pitchers facing the #SFGiants hitters must feel the way cats do when they stumble upon a convention for disabled mice.

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Well, as frustrated as the #SFGiants are, at least their players aren’t likely to be involved in a brawl. None of them can hit anyone.

Basebrawl.

April 22, 2014

The Brewers’ Carlos Gomez, talking about a brawl he helped start Sunday against the Pirates, said “Things happen in the game. We know it’s not good for baseball…” Well, on the other hand, how often do national networks show highlights of a Milwaukee-Pittsburgh game?

 

No brawl broke out in Colorado Monday night.    Although stealing second base with a 7 to 1 lead in Coors Field… reasonable. Stealing second base against the current SF Giants with a 7 to 1 lead, grounds for beaning.

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And maybe the SF Giants hitters just need to relax. Since they’re in Colorado can Bruce Bochy put Tim Lincecum on snack duty?

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A 16 year-old boy is lucky to be alive after stowing away in the wheel well of a flight from San Jose, CA to Maui this weekend. The FBI and TSA are trying to figure out how to tighten security. Airlines are trying to figure out if there is any way to charge for flying in the wheel well.

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ESPN analyst Keyshawn Johnson was arrested for alleged domestic violence over the weekend. Just another guy trying to prove he’s still in NFL form?

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John McCain was on Monday night’s “Late Night with Seth Meyers.” Presumably trying to appeal to his supporters who are up at that hour. Both of them.

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The Knicks today fired Mike Woodson. Wonder who will be the next head coach the team can blame for not contending for an NBA title.

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Neil Young has released a new album “A Letter Home” on vinyl only. Some Millennials are responding “Who’s Neil Young?” Even more are responding “What is ‘vinyl’?”

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Lindsay Lohan says now she recently had a miscarriage. “What a great mother she would have made” said absolutely nobody.

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Sunday, 4/20, was the unofficial National Pot Holiday. Which means a number of folks will be showing up in California parks all week saying “Where is everyone?”

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Truly amazing story of that young man who stowed away in a Hawaiian Airlines wheel well and made it to Maui. Even more amazing, he knocked the search for MH370 off CNN’s front page.

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It takes 16 wins in the playoffs to win the NBA championship. To put that in perspective, 16 wins was last season’s total counting playoffs for the Super Bowl champion Seattle Seahawks.

 

According to Fox News Charles Krauthammer said “it is evident the real objective of ObamaCare is to sever the relationship that Americans have now with their private insurance so everyone eventually ends up in in a market essentially controlled by the government.”  As an ex-resident of Canada,  we can only hope…..

 

From Alex Kaseberg  “In Austria, a man walked into a police station and was arrested after he asked to see if he was wanted for arrest. He was. Police have no choice but to incarcerate him and then extradite him to Florida.”

Missed it by that much.

April 21, 2014

Kraft Foods is recalling 96,000 pounds of its Oscar Mayer wieners because they may mistakenly contain cheese. Wonder how many Kraft might have recalled if the wieners mistakenly contained meat.

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Why there is no satire. Connecticut  Senator Richard Blumenthal, campaigning campaign for better safety with Metro-North trains, held a press conference, set up his easel too close to the tracks, and almost got hit by the train. 

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A South African Sunday Times columnist wrote today that a “reliable source” told him that Oscar Pistorius was taking acting lessons before his trial so he could appear more sympathetic. Just when you thought Pistorius couldn’t appear any more of a scumbag….

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R.I.P. Ruben “Hurricane” Carter, 76. And if you don’t know who he is except that Dylan wrote a song about him, you might be young. And if you don’t know who Dylan is, you might be REALLY young.

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Miami needed an 18-4 run in the 4th quarter to beat Charlotte in game 1 of their NBA playoff series. Heat coach Erik Spoelstra ” We were flat to start. I think our guys were just anxious.” “Anxious” against the 43-39 Bobcats? Or worried about their ticket allocation for the Eastern conference finals?

 

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The NBA says now that referees made a game-changing mistake in missing a foul against Chris Paul with 20 seconds left in the Warriors-Clippers game 1. But it’s not as if the league feels it was anything really critical – the refs didn’t cost the Heat a game.

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Meanwhile, the Washington Wizards have actually won a playoff game. I blame Obama.

 

It will be a very long time before Easter is again on 4-20.    So  Frito-Lay really missed their chance to have a line of egg-shaped Doritos.

 

Miss American has asked a high school to reconsider their suspension of a student for asking her to his prom during an assembly. Really?! Better that than he was dating a teacher.

 

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In Friday night’s game against the Rays, the Yankees’ Cesar Cabral faced six batters, allowing three hits, three hit batsmen, and three runs. All without recording an out. He was released afterwards. Cabral has to hope he gets picked up by an NL team, he could probably throw a few shutdown innings against the SF Giants.
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Apparently the Dodgers’  Clayton Kershaw felt no back pain in a simulated game. And SF Giants fans are thinking “Good for him, now let’s hope he takes the recovery nice and slow and easy. Until August or September at least..
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From Bill Littlejohn  “What University of Idaho football recruiters tell prospects—that WR Dezmon Epps was the only WR in the nation to total over 100 yards receiving against eventual national champion Florida State
What University of Idaho football recruiters neglect to tell prospects–they lost that game to Florida State, 80-14
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High holy day.

April 19, 2014

This year Easter falls on 4 20, the national pot holiday. So hide those chocolate bunnies.

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If Sunday is all about resurrection maybe Christians should add a few prayers for the #SFGiants offense?

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At some point it’s not the opposing pitcher shutting you down with great stuff: #SFGiants hitting becoming oxymoron.

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In New Jersey, a woman is suing the Department of Motor Vehicles for rejecting her request for a vanity license plate reading “8THEIST.” Where are the small government folks lining up to defend her right to free speech on this one?

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Anyone who thinks baseball players aren’t tough, I give you the Reds’ Aroldis, cleared to throw BP exactly a month after he was hit in the face by one of his 100pm fastballs lined back at him in spring training.

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The Philadelphia 76ers ended up 19-63, and but they hold two lottery picks. So their owner said yesterday “I think the season has been a huge success for us.” And for any team lucky enough to have the Sixers on the schedule.

 

A whole new phenomenon in baseball, the manager coming out to chat with the umpire, seeing the thumbs down from the bench coach who’s talking to the replay coach, and walking back to the dugout. So while waiting do they talk about restaurants?

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The A’s Jed Lowrie angered the Houston Astros Friday night when he tried to bunt against the shift in the first inning with Oakland up 7-0. But hey, it’s the Astros. Is it unfair to bunt against them with any lead at all?

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Both Alabama QB’s struggled in their Spring game. Meaning Nick Saban will be looking for more anti-offense college football rule changes in the name of “safety.”

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Macy’s CEO just spoke out against raising the minimum wage. What, if the store has to pay more they’ll only be able to have “One Day Sales” every other day?

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The Columbus Blue Jackets had their first playoff win ever Saturday night. And two questions from most Americans. 1. Columbus has a pro team? 2. What sport?

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CNN headline on MH370, the search is at a “critical juncture.” Presumably because the searchers are running out of ideas, and CNN is running out of adjectives?

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Fox News has fired an executive who used her company e-mail account for a charity drive for relatives of MH370′s passengers. Guess she should have known better. Had the woman simply used her business email to attack Obama she would have been fine.

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Just getting started?

April 18, 2014

The NBA playoffs start today. Which means there’s only about three more months left in the season.

 

The rest of Miley Cyrus’ U.S. tour has postponed due to illness. And parents across the country are thinking “Our long national nightmare is over.”

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Chelsea Clinton has announced she is expecting. Which was the first time in decades that Bill was actually happy to hear “the pregnancy test was positive.”

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An arrest warrant has been issued for that South Korean ferry captain. Can’t they just put him back in a boat, and send him on a one-way trip to North Korea?

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NCAA president Mark Emmert on ESPN radio, talking about eliminating restrictions on meals for athletes: “The biggest problem was, the NCAA has historically had all kinds of…dumb rules about food.” “About FOOD?”

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An Ohio teacher, previously warned after he called a student “stupid” and another “gay”, was fired after he told an African-American student that the country didn’t need another black president.. Wonder if he’s already got job offers in Florida?

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In the finale of her “Lindsay” reality show, which will not be renewed, Lindsay Lohan now says that long list of sex partners was real, that she’s “humiliated” now by it, but says she had good reason for making it. “Rea$on” as in Rating$?

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The #Cubs lost on #GoodFriday. Alas, for their fans, they’re not likely to come back from the dead on Sunday. #Easter #Bustohell

 

The White House has declined to comment on a “Deport Justin Bieber and revoke his green card” petition. The GOP is trying to decide how to say that Obama’s no comment response is wrong.

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In #MattCain‘s last two starts for #SFGiants the team has scored zero runs. Maybe time to pinch hit Babe Bumgarner.

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Or maybe it’s time for the Giants to start someone like Jeremy Affeldt.  And bring Cain in during the 2nd. Just to fake the offense out.

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If Pablo Sandoval is going to struggle to hit his weight, maybe he should eat more. #Sfgiants #Panda

Pay to play?

April 10, 2014

Adrian Peterson is saying now that college football players should be paid. And many former USC and SEC players are just giggling.

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The 2015 Pro Bowl will be at the University of Phoenix Stadium, but the league just announced the game will be returning to Hawaii in 2016. Translation, a whole lot of players probably told the NFL something like “giving up some of my off-season for a week in Arizona, really? Did I mention that nagging injury?”

 

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Oscar Pistorius at his trial Wednesday “I will try not to lie.” Can’t imagine why some defense attorneys don’t want to put their clients on the stand.

 

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Tuesday the SF Giants won their 2013 home opener behind Barry Zito, 34. This year they won behind Tim Hudson, 38. What’s next? In 2015 will they sign Jamie Moyer?

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41,000 people at A T and T Park knew that Tim Lincecum shouldn’t throw Paul Goldschmidt a fat strike with two on and nobody out. Shame Lincecum wasn’t one of them. #SFGiants

 

 

It’s bad enough if Hunter Pence isn’t hitting his weight. But now he’s not even hitting MY weight.

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#NFL preseason schedules were released today. And if you care, you might REALLY have too much time on your hands.

 

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The Indiana Pacers rested all five starters against the Milwaukee Bucks. Which almost made it a fair fight.  (The Pacers won 104-102)

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Louisiana Congressman Lance McAllister has decided not to ask for an FBI probe into who leaked the video of him kissing a staffer. Maybe because he a- doesn’t want it shown over and over again during the investigation, and b- doesn’t want the FBI to find if the culprit has any more videos?

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There’s a lot of competition, but the stupid tweet of the week contest may be over. Free agent LB Brandon Spikes, who signed a 4-year $3.2 million contract with New England in 2010, and who has now signed with the Bills, is complaining on Twitter about his time with the Patriots. Including this one – “4 years a slave.”

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Regarding those stabbings in Pittsburgh, if that kid was close enough actually to stick a knife in 20 people, you have to figure the death toll with a gun could have been at least twice that.

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The Justice Department says Hewlett-Packard has agreed to pay $108 million in criminal fines and civil penalties for bribing officials in Russia, Poland and Mexico to win technology contracts. Jeez, with all those bribes you’d think HP would have been more profitable.

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A thought for folks who dismiss athletes’ coming out with “I don’t care what they do in the bedroom.” Uh, they aren’t telling us specifically what they are doing in the bedroom any more than straight athletes are telling us what THEY are doing in the bedroom. They are saying they are gay. And for now, saying it publicly matters. In a generation, or less, I hope we can all shrug.

Play ball, finally.

April 8, 2014

Opening Day in SF. The Giants shared the latest home opening day in baseball. If they had waited much longer, the Cubs would have already been eliminated.

 

#SFGiants are leading league in home runs and hitting with RISP (.393) And this is with one week of Barry Bonds as a hitting coach in spring training. Would Barry like to drop by regularly?

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Meanwhile, three home runs Tuesday for Ryan Braun in Philadelphia. Does that mean we need to add cheesesteaks to the PED list?

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And another great start for Tim Hudson, 38, in #SFGiants home opener. Best part, with a 135p start, he could shower in time to make it to the early bird dinner special.

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Over 30 children and a teacher’s aide at a school in Colorado were treated by a hazmat crew for a “toxic irritant” that turned out to be habanero peppers. Out of habit the NRA issued a press release saying “When habaneros are outlawed, only outlaws will have habaneros.”

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Really? SF Chronicle online headline. “37 sickened on cruise ship that visited S.F.” 37?! “37 out of the 3,161 people on the Crown Princess” had symptoms that could have been norovirus. Would think several times that many would have symptoms that could have been a hangover.

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As Chick-fil-A expands, CEO Dan Cathy has backed away from public anti-gay marriage comments, saying “All of us become more wise as time goes by. We sincerely care about all people.” Or at least we care about their spending.

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79,328 fans attended Monday night’s UConn Kentucky matchup, a new NCAA record. And about 9,328 could actually see the game.

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UConn may have beaten Kentucky last night. But apparently Wildcat students do lead the Huskies in post-game riots arrests. 31 to 30 at last count….

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Is it time to give UConn’s women’s basketball team a “Lifetime Achievement Award” and tell them to compete against D2 men? #nocontes

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John Calipari denied rumors that he will coach the LA Lakers. Meaning probably that LA didn’t offer him enough money, and/or he is pretty sure Kentucky isn’t going on probation next season.

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Oscar Pistorius’s trial was adjourned early when he broke down in tears while testifying. Maybe because the “Bladerunner” is realizing that even with a “culpable homicide” verdict, like U.S. manslaughter, he’s probably going to jail for a while?

 

Hillary Clinton today in SF – “The hard questions are not, ‘Do you want to be president? Can you win?’ The hard questions are, ‘Why? Why would you want to do this? And what could you offer that could make a difference?’ ” And Mitt Romney responded “Huh?”

 

From Marc Ragovin:   “Members fo the New York Police and Fire Departments engaged in a bench clearing brawl during a charity hockey game. Geez, you go to a charity event and it turns into a UC Santa Barbara Spring Break.”

Two wax jobs

September 20, 2013

During a road rage incident, two Michigan men actually shot and killed each other. Well, at least the state won’t be wasting money on a “stand your ground” trial.

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The Arizona Diamondbacks were whining last night that the LA Dodgers celebrated the NL West in their pool. Whining? Really? There was a much simpler way to avoid that – A few small piranhas….

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Was Friday  night’s Sabathia Lincecum #Yankees #SFGiants pitching matchup the record for the biggest size difference between starting pitchers?

 

At Yankee Stadium alcohol sales are cut off after the 7th inning or two hours after the start of the game, whichever comes first. Which means for Red Sox games fans better get in line during the third inning.

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Two  things you never expected to read in the same headline: “Iran” and “Charm Offensive.”

 

Nick Saban promised to punish RB T.J. Yeldon after his unsportsmanlike conduct penalty against Texas A & M – for mocking Johnny Manziel with a “money” symbol with his fingers and throat slash gesture. And Saban was true to his word – Yeldon is suspended for ONE quarter, against Colorado State. That’ll teach him….

(And really, with all due respect, as if any Alabama was going to play more than a quarter or two anyway.)

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Texans RB Arian Foster says now when he was at Tennessee he needed to accept money for food, while he saw his coach pull up in “a brand new Lexus.” Of course, had Foster gone to USC, he himself could have had the brand new Lexus.

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From my funny friend Jim Barach:   “Google has started a company whose mission is to find out how to solve death. Apparently the first thing they are going to work on is AOL.”

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Andy Pettitte is retiring again at the end of the 2013 season. He may not make the HOF, but the Yankees’ pitcher may have his eye on Brett Favre’s record.

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San Francisco 49ers LB Aldon Smith was arrested a second time for alleged DUI.  And pot possession.  What’s he trying to do, get traded to the Bengals?

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Realize that some in the younger generation can’t remember a time without computers, cellphones etc. Even harder to believe, there once was a time when luggage didn’t have wheels.

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Apparently the #Cubs are interested in hiring #Yankees manager Joe Girardi. Would be nice change for #Girardi, no pressure to make playoffs.

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The Chiefs are 3-0. If Andrew Luck and the Colts somehow beat the 49ers this weekend, how long will it take for SF fans to start waxing nostalgic about Alex Smith?

 

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While the House voted to defund Obamacare, why didn’t they really show their support for saving taxpayer dollars by also voting to defund their own expensive healthcare benefits?

There she is….

September 15, 2013

Miss America was tonight. Women tune in for the dresses. Men tune in for the swimsuit competition. And comedy writers tune in for the interview questions.

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Okay, clearly the fix was in. Miss California, a Stanford graduate, got the Miss America question about bombing Syria….

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Lebron James apparently married his long-time girlfriend in a private ceremony. Kudos to him for not making a circus out of THAT decision.

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Vladimir Guerrero announced his retirement from baseball. Since he last played in 2011, perhaps he didn’t need to announce it? (Still wish the SF Giants had signed him when Alou was managing, they might have gotten that trophy with the little flags sooner.)

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Not sure of all that will go on in Wisconsin’s football practices this week. But a “taking a knee” clinic will no doubt be included.

You think YOUR team is bad? WKMG TV in Orlando felt they needed to run a scrolled message today saying that NFL policy states the station must carry all Jacksonville Jaguars away games. The end of the message said: “We apologize for any inconvenience.”

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And we wonder why we have gridlock. The Tea Party in Kentucky is backing a primary challenger to Senator Mitch McConnell, because they think he compromises too much and is too moderate….

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Silver lining moment: This was one Sunday when NY Jets fans know their team won’t disappoint them.

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-A young man was hospitalized with non-life threatening injures after he fell four stories through a skylight at an Massachusetts Institute of Technology fraternity. Shocking. MIT has fraternities?

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Another thought on the above young man.  Just guessing he got an F on that first aeronautical engineering project?

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Oops. This correction in Arizona Highways magazine after an article on edible wild plants: “The fly agaric mushroom should not be consumed in its raw form because of its unpredictable psychotropic and physical effects,”
Unsaid to those who already tried the fly agaric, also known as a “magic mushroom”, – we REALLY hope you aren’t driving.

(or as friends of mine suggest… flying..)

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Larry Summers withdrew his name from consideration for Federal Reserve chairman. Thereby wasting more than a few Senators’ already written speeches against him.

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Anyone watching SF Giants and 49ers today who didn’t know the standings might have guessed the wrong team expected to go to the postseason. (And the Giants scored more too.)

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Not sure what would have helped the 49ers tonight?  Maybe more lightning?

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Okay, Richard Sherman was smirking after tonight’s 49rs-Seahawks game. But have to think that somewhere Alex Smith was smiling just a little bit.

Almost perfect

September 6, 2013

How do you not love a pitcher who has thrown a perfect game for 8 innings who strikes out the leadoff batter in the 9th with three pitches: 77 mph, 76 mph and 77 mph. And it was a swinging strike three.

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Actually rarer to lose perfect game on 27th batter (12 times) than to throw a perfect game (23 times)   #SFGiants #YusmeiroPetit #damnericchavez

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Prefer college football generally to the NFL, except for the post season. If the NFL were the NCAA, the defending champion Baltimore Ravens would have fallen enough in the rankings last night to guarantee they wouldn’t be in the national championship.

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Apparently teams are telling #TimTebow he’s not an NFL quarterback. Well, that never stopped Rex Grossman.

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General Mills is recalling some refrigerated Pillsbury cinnamon rolls because the dough may contain plastic pieces. Surprised they aren’t touting the plastic as adding fiber.

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New Chicago Cubs pitcher, Daniel Bard, claimed off waivers from the Boston Red Sox, says “To have a fresh environment to work in is really exciting.” Not to mention not having to deal with all that playoff pressure.

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Most of the cast of “The Big Chill” assembled in Toronto for a 30th anniversary showing of the movie. The theme song’s changed a bit though. Now,it’s “You not only can’t always get what you want, you can’t always remember what it is you wanted.”

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Downton Abbey is actually shot at Highclere Castle in Hampshire, but apparently increasing numbers of Americans are heading to the small village of Downton, 200 miles away, looking for where they film the show…. Can’t imagine where we get the reputation for being stupid tourists.

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The Columbus (OH) Dispatch had a headline this morning saying that “Elway throws seven touchdown passes.” Hmm, wonder if this means the paper will ascribe arrests of Urban Meyer players this fall to the University of Florida.

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President Obama and Putin had a conversation that Obama said was “constructive” Putin says they still don’t agree, “but we listened to each other. Well, that’s better than between the President and Congress.

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Worst thing about Peyton Manning’s 7 TD performance Thursday night? Means the endless media deification of Ray Lewis from last year will go on for at least another week

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San Jose State will play Stanford for the 67th and perhaps last time in football Saturday night, and the Spartan’s coach made it sound as it was because the Cardinal didn’t want to play “home and home” (Alternate stadiums.) Of course the fact that San Jose State ended up accepting $3 MILLION to travel twice to Auburn instead of playing Stanford has nothing to do with it.

Fill in the blank?

August 27, 2013

The 197 year old “Farmer’s Almanac,” which has an amazing record for accuracy, predicts “bitterly cold” subnormal temperatures for Feb 1-3, 2014 in the New York City area. Insert “it will be a cold day in hell when (fill-in-the-blank-team) makes it to the Super Bowl” here.

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Bank of America said they will review working conditions after an intern died after reportedly working until 6a three nights in a row. Many law firms are thinking “What, does B of A think they were too soft on the kid?”

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Many people think that Miley Cryus’s VMA performance yesterday was obscene and not fit for children. Wonder how many fathers today are thinking they need to closely reexamine the evidence?

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Who knew Hannah Montana was a stripper name?

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Barry Zito, who has a double-digit ERA on the road this year, was the starting pitcher Monday night for the SF Giants against the Colorado Rockies at Coors Field. Wonder if  Denver air traffic control was alerted for possible round objects ending up in flight paths?

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Wimbledon champion Marion Bartoli, who announced her retirement from tennis Aug 14, now says “It’s pretty hard to say I would never come back.” “Atta girl!” responded Brett Favre.

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Our foreign policy at its finest: A Russian newspaper reported that Edward Snowden was stuck at the Moscow airport only after Cuba, bowing to U.S. pressure, warned Aeroflot that it would not allow his flight from Russia to land in Havana. And U.S. citizens can travel to Russia anytime, whereas Cuban travel (along with rum and cigars) is embargoed.

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An 21 year old has invented a topical sprayable caffeine, which he hopes to bring to market this fall. Ben Yu said that his spray “won’t change the world.” On the other hand, it might save a few marriages, if spouses can keep it handy for mornings when coffee isn’t available.

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Khloe Kardashian is complaining about the stories about her husband, Kim claims she is trying to protect her baby’s privacy. (Except for a picture on mom’s failing talk show.) Here’s a suggestion, folks. Want privacy? Quit making your careers be bleeping reality television.

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Really? A man has come forward 40 years later to claim that Billie Jean King’s $100,000 victory over Bobby Riggs was actually rigged so Riggs could have $100,000 in gambling debts forgiven. Except, a win would have netted him the money to pay off those debts….

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Why revenue-sharing needs a minimum team payroll to go with it: The Houston Astros, with a $13 million payroll, are according to Forbes going to make an estimated $99 million in operating income this season…. (You’d think fans would at least get a break on beer prices.)

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Scoot Airlines, Singapore Airlines’ budget carrier, is now offering passengers the option to pay a $14 surcharge for “ScootinSilence,” five rows in economy where no children. Right, because the sound of a screaming baby can carry no further than five rows…

To Puig or not to Puig

August 21, 2013

 

 

 

 

 

Yasiel Puig was fined by the L.A. Dodgers for showing up late at the stadium Tuesday in Miami before the team’s game with the Marlins. Puig said he was caught in traffic. Guess he should have called Lebron James for advice on getting a police escort.

 

Think I’ve figured this out. Dodgers fans know Yasiel Puig is a spirited young sweetheart, Giants fans know he’s an immature young punk. And if he’d signed with SF we’d both know the opposite.

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SF Giants score tying run on a foul ball, and winning run on a bases loaded walk on a strike. Cue Rod Serling.

(as my friend Robert says, “Let’s all acknowledge that ball four was closer to a strike than anything A-Rod saw from another Red Sox pitcher.)

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And the Giants won 3-2 despite being 0-10 with runners in scoring position. 

 

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-Jennifer Lopez will apparently be returning to American Idol this year. Translation, neither of them had a better offer.

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Ah consistency, thy name is not MLB. Ryan Dempster was suspended for five games and fined for hitting A-Rod with a pitch. If Dempster appeals his suspension, however, it will be heard and decided right away.

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But major lesson from the Ryan Dempster-Alex Rodriguez “incident”: If you’re going to throw at someone, have enough control to hit them on the first pitch.

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From Bill Littlejohn:   During Sunday’s game, Colts QB Chandler Harnish hit sideline reporter Pam Oliver in the face with a pass.   It was the most errant pass to a sideline reporter since Joe Namath’s on Suzy Kolber.

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Al Jazeera America has started broadcasting, and of course there are questions about its potential bias. As opposed to our unbiased U.S. networks…. This from Jim Pinkerton on Fox News today “But look, they’re an Arab news channel and let’s face it, many if not most Arabs probably support what bin Laden was trying to do in terms of killing Americans and so on.

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Three kids who shot and killed an 20 year old Australian college baseball player in Oklahoma said they did it because “we were bored and we didn’t have anything to do so we decided to kill somebody.” 

Actually if they wanted to alleviate boredom with a gun I’m thinking they could have spent as much of the day as it took playing Russian Roulette

It’s only money

August 8, 2013

The New York Yankees are playing like a team that doesn’t want this A-Rod circus to continue into the postseason.

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In the SF Bay Area, BART and their unions are reportedly about $100 million apart in their strike talks. In New York they’re thinking “$100 million? That’s barely a Yankees middle reliever.”

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Signed memorabilia from Ohio State QB Braxton Miller and South Carolina DE Jadeveon Clowney have appeared for sale online, but the schools say there was no wrongdoing by the athletes. And if you can’t trust Urban Meyer and Steve Spurrier, who can you trust?

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You just MIGHT have too much money when…A Los Angeles Bar has unveiled a 20 item water, complete with water sommelier on hand. Prices go up to $16 and there are $12 tasting flights. This being Los Angeles wonder how long it will take for someone to ask for a preferred water recommendation for their dog.

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-Mitt Romney, speaking about GOP 2016 Presidential candidates “My guess is that every one of the contenders would be better than whoever the Democrats put up. But there will only be one or perhaps two who actually could win the election in November.” Well, if anyone knows about unelectable….

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Massachusetts Catholic priest, Monsignor Arthur Doyle, 62, was arrested in Lowell on a prostitution charge last weekend. He was caught with the woman, 38, performing oral sex on him in a car. And the archdiocese is going. “Thank God, an adult female.”

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From Marc Ragovin:   “A shipping company in Italy has discovered long-lost footage of a pre-Citizen Kane film by Orson Welles called “Too Much Johnson.” Hey, isn’t that Anthony Weiner’s campaign slogan?’

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Timberwolves rookie Shabazz Muhammad was sent home by the team for the rule violation of bringing a female guest into his hotel room. The reason Muhammad was at the hotel? The four-day NBA’s Rookie Transition Program, designed to help young players stay out of trouble…..

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Captain Kangaroo’s Cosmo Allegretti, 86, who created the Dancing Bear, has died. For the younger generation, yes, there were lovable puppets before the Muppets.

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Only missed the ‪#‎Powerball‬ jackpot by six numbers tonight. And I didn’t even play.

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Okay, who’s the brilliant mind who came up with this on KNBR- an SF Giants ad for the Brewers series at A T & T taunting Milwaukee about their suspended slugger with an asterisk? Must have been promotional pot-kettle giveaway night.

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LSU’s star running back Jeremy Hill was already on probation for a sex-crime involving a 14 year old girl when he was arrested in April for sucker-punching a man at a bar. (And he was seen laughing about it on a video.) 

The judge, however, just extended his probation, with a curfew. Then Les Miles let the team vote, and they voted to reinstate him. Good thing the judge’s provision said the curfew would be waived for football night games…

(You have to wonder, if Hill murders someone, will they make him sit out a quarter?)

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Human Rights Watch, reporting on Russian efforts to silence journalists and activists before the Sochi games, says that organizations documenting Olympic preparation abuses “were subject to intrusive government inspections, including at least one organization that had its email accounts examined.” Gosh, if there were only someone in Russia who was willing to take on a government over such actions.

Pay to play?

August 7, 2013

Not saying Johnny Manziel is getting a big head. But at this point I half expect to read that he gets pulled over for speeding and tries to charge the officer to sign the ticket.

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Johnny Manziel allegedly received at least $7500 for signing autographs. Looks like the NCAA’s policy on accepting payments is working about as well as MLB’s drug policy.

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Not saying ‪#‎A-Rod‬‘s self-centered act is getting old but even his mirror is telling him he might not be the fairest of them all anymore.

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Bill Clinton said he and Hillary wouldn’t get within 100 miles of the New York mayoral race. Darn. Wishing Bill had said he wouldn’t touch the race with a 10 inch pole.

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Rick Perry in a speech last weekend “There are many states that embrace those conservative values, the approach we’ve taken over the years. I’m in one today – Florida.” Except Perry was speaking in New Orleans. But give the Texas Governor credit, he was close. Sort of .

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The GOP is threatening not to let NBC and CNN televise the next GOP presidential primary debates if they go ahead with miniseries about Hillary Clinton.The networks have to be wondering, how many good reasons will Rick Perry give them?

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ABA conference starts today in San Francisco Is it just coincidence that 8,000 plus lawyers will descend on the city right in the middle of Shark Week?

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You just can’t make this “stuff” up: Scott Hounsell, the former executive director of the GOP in Los Angeles County, has been mocking Anthony Weiner on Twitter. Last Friday he was arrested for allegedly sending sexting a 16-year-old.

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Taco Bell is debuting a new waffle taco. For those who are tired of always starting the day with something healthy like a doughnut.

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Just in case we thought this A-Rod circus didn’t have enough clowns, enter Ozzie Guillen. Who tweeted “its all madonnas fault. every athlete she has been with has gone bad. see canseco, rodman and now rodriguez lol lol lol.”

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Bud Selig had yesterday he was proud of baseball’s Joint Drug Program including “random testing, groundbreaking blood testing for human growth hormone..” Uh, Bud, except with all these suspensions – THE TESTING DIDN’T CATCH ANYONE……

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You know it’s a long night at A T and T park when SF Giants fans are looking forward to the between innings “Kiss Cam” to see some scoring.

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SF Giants scheduled Jewish Heritage night Tuesday night against the Milwaukee Brewers. Possibly to honor the top Jewish MLB player. Oops.

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Really? In response to complaints that they haven’t chosen a minority as “The Bachelor” or “The Bachelorette”, ABC has made the daring move of choosing a hunky blonde ex-soccer player from…. Venezuela?

Going to party like it’s 2012?

July 28, 2013

SF Giants are heading to the White House tomorrow for a celebration of their 2012 World Series win. The team might really connect with President Obama, who also knows what it’s like to have a big win and then a bit of a letdown year.

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Rumors are that MLB will FINALLY announce all the Biogenesis suspensions this week. Maybe they can have the announcement sponsored by Nike “Just Do It, already.”

 

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After this homestand the SF Giants need to add an asterisk when they sell those “game-used” bats.

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But really, the Giants can’t catch any breaks in 2013.  Where are the Houston Astros when you need them.

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In the “misery loves company” department,  if the season ended today, Giants players could watch the playoffs from their couch along with the Yankees, Angels and Phillies – four teams, with a combined payroll of over $671 million.

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USA, USA, USA! The U.S. won the Gold Cup today. “Awesome, said most Americans. “What’s the Gold Cup?”

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Aww story: Hunter Mahan, who was leading the Canadian Open, left abruptly before his Saturday tee time when his wife went into early labor, and made it back to Texas for the birth of his first child, a daughter. Think he’s got the trump card for that parent-teenager “Dad, you never cared about me” argument….

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Texas A & M QB Johnny Manziel was kicked out of a frat party this weekend… in Austin, at A & M’s arch-rival the University of Texas. Forget Manziel’s party behavior, he may be too stupid to be an NFL QB.

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Oakland Raiders receiver Andre Holmes has been suspended four games for violating the NFL’s PED policy. And these days the reaction is “meh, at least he wasn’t arrested.”

 

 

UNC suspended P.J. Hairston, their leading men’s basketball scorer, after his third traffic citation in less than 2 months, this time for allegedly driving 93 MPH. Is this Hairston’s way of trying to join the list of college basketball players who’ve been drafted by the NFL?

 

From T.C.   “News flash from Camden Yards.  The Baltimore Orioles announced today that thanks to David Ortiz, the visitors’ dugout is now wireless.-”

(for the uninitiated, link follows -  http://ftw.usatoday.com/2013/07/david-ortiz-obliterated-a-dugout-phone-with-his-bat/   )

Enter Sandman.

July 17, 2013

Mariano Rivera entered his final All-Star game Tuesday night to the familiar sounds sounds of  “Enter Sandman”  Which was particularly fitting tonight because approaching 11pm on the east coast after 7 1/2 dull innings, a lot of fans were already half asleep.

 

Three hits for the NL in the All Star game.  #SFGiants fans had to figure they were watching a repeat of their team’s last month.

 

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I think I speak for all SF Giants fans in saying “Thank God we didn’t see a home plate collision between Prince Fielder and Buster Posey.”

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Nike has pulled a number of T-shirts from sale after discovering they put a Carolina Panthers logo with the letters “NC” inside an outline of the state of South Carolina. Scary thing, I wonder how many Americans would have noticed.

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Why should New York have all the fun with elections. Now we’ve got Liz Cheney running for Senate in Wyoming. Against an incumbent REPUBLICAN.

(my friend Jason suggests that Liz with her Tea Party style may cause Dick more grief than his Lesbian daughter did when Bush was out pushing a Marriage amendment.)

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The head of the MLB Players Association says that it’s possible the players implicated with Biogenesis would not serve their penalties until 2014. Great, so instead of having a suspended player help determine home field advantage in the World Series, we could have one become the MVP of the World Series.

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Some statements don’t even need a punchline: George Zimmerman’s brother on CNN, said that George “is going to be looking around his shoulder for the rest of his life,” looking out for people who “take the law into their own hands.”

 

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Juror B37′s book deal apparently was killed before she wrote a word. Will her former literary agent claim self-defense?

 

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God Bless America. In response to an email inquiry about train travel to England, Rail Europe reminds me “It is important to purchase your rail tickets prior to departing for Europe to avoid any language barrier, long lines at the station and sold out trains.” Right, especially that language barrier.

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The California Supreme Court refused Monday to stop gay weddings in the state, a move that upset Proposition 8 supporters. But where are the cheers from conservatives who believe that government should stay out of our lives?

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ESPN is already gearing up their British Open coverage. Is anyone but ‪#‎TigerWoods‬ playing?

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From Jim Barach:   Chris Christie is set to appear on Michael J. Fox’s new show.  His camp says it has nothing to do with trying to get national exposure for a presidential run since the show will be aired on NBC.

 

Beat the heat?

July 5, 2013

New York City now has a new “Minus5 Ice Bar,” at the Hilton, where the temperature is kept at 23 degrees Fahrenheit. And walls, tables and even the drinking glasses are made of ice. Finally, something in town this summer colder than the Mets.

 

A 7-year-old Virginia boy has died a day after being shot while waiting for a Fourth of July fireworks show. Police believe someone had been firing randomly in the air and a stray bullet struck the boy in the head. If only that poor child had been armed….

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Are the ‎#SFGiants trying to make sure their 2013 season documentary is titled “50 Shades of Orange?”

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The LA Dodgers worried about bringing up Yasiel Puig in part because they didn’t think he was acclimated enough to U.S. culture. Wonder if the SF Giants as a goodwill gesture offered to have Pablo Sandoval introduce Puig to American fast food?

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For gamblers, here’s an interesting question. What will be a higher number? NFL players arrested this year? Or countries who Edward Snowden will ask for asylum?

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Venezuela has offered asylum to Edward ‎#Snowden. Perhaps not exactly the retirement paradise he was thinking of?

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Oliver Stone called Edward Snowden “a hero.” Translation, he wants first option on the movie rights.

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Brad Stevens said he was “absolutely humbled” by the opportunity to coach the Boston Celtics. If he’s humbled now, wait until he spends a season with NBA prima donnas.

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Jerzy Janowicz, Andy Murray’s opponent in Friday’s Wimbledon semi-final, is from Lodz, Poland. Lodz is pronounced “”woodge” (Seriously.) And we think English is hard.

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Wimbledon men’s semi-final match between Djokovic and del Potro was about 4 hour and 45 minutes long. What did they think this was, a Red Sox-Yankees game?

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Dwight Howard to the Rockets. How long until they figure out “Houston, we have a problem?”
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A seven-car accident near Atlanta very early this morning resulted in five or six of the drivers being charged with DUI’s. A pedestrian who police believe started the chain of wrecks by walking onto Interstate-75 was also charged. Explain to me again why we shouldn’t have let the South secede?.

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Haven’t seen this movie, and am unlikely to do so.  But  great line from my friend Gary Bachman:. “The “Lone Ranger” is so bad that there is an announcement before the movie to please turn ON your cellphones.”

Go fourth.

July 3, 2013

As we approach the 4th of July, do the British look upon the day much as a parent might look upon the day that a child leaves the nest. Painful, but in retrospect thank God they’re no longer our responsibility?

 

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Douglas Engelbart, 88, who invented the computer mouse, has passed away. Funeral attendees will no doubt get an electronic invitation that they can click on for directions.

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A new report says the U.S. State Department spent about $630,000 to get more followers on their Facebook pages? Really? All they needed were a few good cat pictures.

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According to a story in the Washington Post Magazine, apparently now Ted Nugent is considering a White House bid. What’s his slogan? “For those who think Salin Palin isn’t batshit crazy enough?

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As more and more information comes out about Aaron Hernandez, what’s more shocking… that the former Patriots’ tight end could be so evil, or that he could be so stupid?

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Kim Kardashian and Kanye West apparently turned down a $3 million photo offer from a magazine for their baby. Translation, they’re holding out for $5 million.

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Apparently an arrest warrant has been obtained for San Francisco 49ers LB Ahmad Brooks, alleging he hit teammate Lamar Divens with a beer bottle. So congrats to all who had July 3 in the latest NFL pool

(If not, no worries, a new pool starts today….)

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Brad Stevens, 36, has been named the new Boston Celtic coach. Now Boston’s trading Kevin Garnett, 37, really makes sense. Since otherwise KG might have been telling Stevens to “respect his elders.”

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For his recent performance Buster Posey was chosen the NL Player of the Week. For their recent performance the SF Giants were chosen the NL Team of the Weak.

 

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Stupid joke running through my head all day. Why did people rise up against President Morsi? They think “He’gypped us.”

Oh Canada Day, Eh?

July 1, 2013

Happy Canada Day – July 1. Our neighbors to the north have universal healthcare, strict gun control laws and legalized gay marriage about a decade ago. And they seem to be surviving just fine.

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This week, (July 1-3) is the 150th anniversary of the Battle of Gettysburg. Which means in the Senate, they’re bracing for yet another retelling of John McCain’s first hand experiences.

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This “Stunning Upset at Wimbledon” headline is turning into tennis’s version of “Groundhog Day.”

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Open note to future Bachelorettes: In a time when “reality show star” is not an oxymoron, and you have 24 men who supposedly are interested in romance on national tv, you are a fool if you don’t figure up front at least several of them in it for the “wrong reasons.”

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Two defensive starters on Texas A&M’s football team were charged with misdemeanor assault over the weekend. And Roger Goodell is thinking “Thank God they weren’t already drafted.

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Apparently 5 NBA teams are vying to sign Greg Oden. Easier to offer free-agent contract when healthcare costs will be covered by Medicare.

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Edward Snowden is now blaming the Obama administration for making him a “stateless person.” Uh, and Snowden’s running away and refusing to stay in (or return to) the U.S. had nothing to do with it…. Right.

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Tough few weeks for #SFGiants. But finally good news: The #LADodgers are reportedly getting Carlos Marmol from the Chicago Cubs.

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Kansas Rep. Tim Huelskamp introduced legislation late Friday to amend the U.S. Constitution to ban gay marriage. In these tough times, isn’t it great to know that Congress is really focused on the issues that matter most to Americans?

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So with the “new” Yahoo Mail there are regular error messages saying a message cannot be sent, and a draft cannot be saved. Today the function to search old emails is down. Now I see why Marisa Mayer didn’t want people working from home…. using internal mail isn’t a reliable way to communicate.

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Rick Perry is decrying “mob rule” that kept his abortion bill from passing. Now Wendy Davis is saying that’s she’s considering a run for Governor in 2014. Will it be “mob rule” when Texans vote her in and him out?

Of course as my friend Tom Dodd says -” If they support you, they’re “The People”. If they oppose you, they’re a “Mob”.”

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The latest Vegas odds have the Chicago Cubs as 500-1 to win the 2013 World Series. Have to figure whoever decided that was an idealistic Cubs fan.

 

Pierce Brosnan’s daughter, 41, just died from ovarian cancer. Her mother and grandmother died of the same disease. Would Melissa Ethridge still like to criticize Angelina Jolie’s decision?

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This whole Dwight Howard circus is a lot of ado about a guy with the free throw skills of Shaquille O’Neal and the decision-making ability of Brett Favre.


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