Posted tagged ‘SF Giants jokes’

Sleepless in SF Giants uniforms?

August 22, 2014

Money can buy a lot of things, but not travel karma. #SFGiants finished game last night in Chicago about 11p, went to airport for just over 1 hour charter flight. But lightning meant bags could not be loaded, and then additional wait on tarmac for storms to pass. They arrived to DC hotel this a.m. at 615a. On the other hand, maybe being #SleeplessinSF made the team stronger…

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Go figure, a team on a 10 game win streak against a team with no sleep.  10-3 SF Giants over the Washington Nationals.  Maybe SF  is just a bunch of nocturnals.

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Another sign that Rory McIlroy has been anointed the new Tiger Woods. All the headlines are not about who’s leading, but about how far Rory is off the pace.

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Apparently the Buffalo Bills are having so many pre-season intra-squad fights that coach Doug Marrone blew up at his players yesterday. This is shocking to Bills fans who didn’t think their team could hit anybody.

 

Not that Obama’s perfect.. But then there’s Rep. Louie Gohmert (R-TX), who said this week that the President can’t protect the U.S. from ISIS because “if you’re Commander-in-Chief you can’t be listening to Muslim brother advice on when it’s time to stop destroying Muslim brothers.”

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The Saints’ Jimmy Graham was fined $30,000 for dunking over the goalposts after two TDs last weekend. So the New Orleans tight end would have saved money had he just flipped off his defenders twice.

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North Texas, SMU and Troy University will start selling beer at football games this year, bringing the total of on-campus stadiums with beer sales to 21. Apparently schools that have already changed the policy haven’t reported an increase in bad behavior. Maybe because if fans could buy a beer in the stadium they wouldn’t feel the need to chug several of them pre-game

 

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She’s SO past her 15 minutes: V. Stiviano is now claiming Donald Sterling is gay and that she was just his beard during their relationship. Right, because if you really need a beard if you are a prominent conservative gay man who isn’t married. Oops,never mind.

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TSA at SFO says they have over 20,000 items left behind at checkpoints just this year, including a wheelchair. Thinking if someone claims that chair maybe they need their disabled placard taken away.

 

 

Johnny Manziel was fined $12,000 for his one-finger salute to the Washington bench. So about half the fine as if he had done something TRULY offensive, like wearing the wrong brand of socks.

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This Rick Perry indictment stems from trying to remove Rosemary Lehmberg. a Texas DA, from office after a DUI arrest. And Perry believes he was “lawful, legal and right” to do so. Okay, fair enough. But there have been two other Texas DAs arrested for DUI while Perry has been governor (Rick Harrison in 2009, and Terry McEachern in 2003), and he didn’t have a problem with them. Nor for that matter do I remember the Governor complaining about the DUI’s of Dick Cheney and George W. Bush.

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A University of Denver study found that couples who had wedding ceremonies with 150+ guests were much happier than couples in the study who had 50 guests or fewer. Maybe because after dealing with that many friends and relatives, your mate seems pretty sane by comparison.

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The NCAA denied Dorial Green-Beckham’s request to play football at Oklahoma immediately after transferring. The star WR was kicked off Missouri’s team after two marijuana arrests and allegedly pushing another Missouri student down at least four stairs. Well makes, sense, Green-Beckman doesn’t sound ready for college football, he sounds ready for the NFL.

 

From Jim Barach:  “A new app tells the user how much time they are spending on their smartphone. Which is probably too much if you need an app to tell you how much time you are spending on your smartphone.”

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From Bill Littlejohn:   In London, Big Ben just had its clock cleaned. But Buckingham Palace said not to worry, it’s just the preseason.

Tarp Gate

August 19, 2014

wrigley

They took so long to announce fate of #SFGiants #Cubs game at Wrigley, figure Bud Selig has a Blue Ribbon committee deciding it.

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If the #SFGiants lose a playoff spot by one game will some other team vote a playoff share to the #Cubs ground crew?

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Tuesday  night’s rain delay lasted longer than the Cubs 2014 playoffs hopes.

 

 

Uber has introduced “Uber Corner Store” a new trial service offering on-demand fast delivery of medicine, toiletries and other products. Thinking this could be a very popular business in Colorado.

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New Orleans plays Cleveland on September 14.  After last night’s salute Saints’ defenders won’t need bounties to want to knock Manziel’s head off.

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Okay, heaven knows I am not a Seahawks fan. But just have to wonder the reaction if instead of Johnny Manziel flipping the bird at the opposing bench last night, it had been Richard Sherman.

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If the MLB season ended today, for the first time since 1993, neither the #RedSox nor #Yankees would be in the playoffs. Tragic, really.

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Ohio State star QB Braxton Miller reinjured his right, throwing shoulder yesterday in practice and may miss his senior season. The poor kid may have nothing to do this year but go to class.

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Former American Idol contestant William Hung just got married. Just guessing no one asked him to sing at his own wedding.

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Soccer star Luis Suarez stated today “I will not bite again.” Wonder if besides playing for Barcelona if Suarez is auditioning for a part in that A T & T Vampire movie commercial….

 

Who knows whether this Rick Perry indictment over trying to force a D.A. to resign from office will amount to anything. But somewhere in NJ Chris Christie has to be thinking “Couldn’t you have just closed one of her bridges or something?”

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British cyclist Jonathan Tiernan-Locke, banned for two years, says he did not blood dope but instead blamed his abnormal results on dehydration from an “alcoholic binge” with his girlfriend while celebrating his new Team Sky contract, drinking the equivalent of about a liter of vodka. The story didn’t work, but even if it had, guessing the team might have terminated him anyway for the stupidity.

 

The Cleveland Browns say they are not ready to name a starting QB. Well, the best of them yesterday was clearly Connor Shaw. 8 of 9 for 123 yards and a touchdown.

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So what do you get if you cross Tebowing and Manzieling?   A one-fingered prayer?  But no touchdowns.

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Can the #SFGiants borrow #JohnnyManziel to salute the #WrigleyField grounds crew?

 

The Wall St Journal has reported that the NFL is asking potential acts for the 2015 halftime show to PAY the league for the privllege of performing. And what if they don’t? The league will just have to raise ticket, hot dog and beer prices? #noshame

 

 

 

Bud Selig, whose Blue Ribbon committee on the Oakland A’s moving to San Jose never ruled in 5 plus years, talking today about how the team needs a new ballpark “This is always something I wanted to get resolved before I leave office, which is another 5½ or six months.” Gosh, and Selig said it with a straight face.

Scoring and not scoring

August 17, 2014

Okay, so who had the #SFGiants outscoring the #49ers today?

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Did #49ers try to avoid postgame traffic mess by playing in a way to encourage fans to leave early? #LevisStadium

So will the #49ers announce their starting QB by the third game of the #NFL preseason?

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Inside Laguna Coast Wilderness Park, in Southern California, park rangers discovered a marijuana farm with about 4,000 plants. After waiting two weeks to see if the farmers returned, they chopped down the plants and hauled them away. Two weeks? That was plenty of time to make a deal with Colorado.

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A 22-year-old Texas woman told police that she stole a $3.99 bottle of wine and drank it in public so she would get arrested and be able to see her boyfriend in jail. Might we have unanimous agreement across the country that this woman should have free birth control?

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In Los Angeles, officials plan to start a pilot program that will make ballots into lottery tickets, with cash prizes of up to $50,000. Critics worry that the idea will lead to people voting for cash with no knowledge of the candidates. As opposed to voting for free with no knowledge of the candidates?

SF Giants and Los Angeles Dodgers seem to be playing a rotating game of “Hot Potato” with the Division title.

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Michigan natives and Olympic gold medalists Charlie White and Meryl Davis were grand marshals for Sunday’s Pure Michigan 400. But they were booed for their “Drivers, start your engines” rendition. Gosh, with all the overlap between NASCAR and ice skating fans, who saw this coming?

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A 62 year old woman who has been trying to stowaway on planes for months, and finally made it onboard a Southwest flight, was released 3 days into her 117 day jail sentence due to Los Angeles jail overcrowding. Since she’ll no doubt try to be back on a plane in a week, maybe some airline should just hire her. She’d be friendlier (and younger) than some flight attendants
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All this drama over preseason #NFL football. If it actually meant anything teams would charge regular season prices for tickets.
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Tweet of the day from an expert on the U.S. legal system. “Texas Governor Rick Perry has been indicted by a LIB DEM special prosecutor for doing his job. I’ve been there, done that. This is the same tactic that Vladimir Putin uses to eliminate his political opponents. Thanks, Mr. Obama.” The tweeter? Oliver North.

Understand that U.S. government spending is an issue. But still hard to fathom how many people who want spending cuts for welfare and foreign aid think that somehow the $$$ won’t count if we spend it, again, to try to stabilize Iraq.

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Finally, from T.C. “The Super Bowl Champion Seattle Seahawks were lucky their plane landed in Denver for tonight’s preseason game vs The Broncos. Throughout the flight; the players kept chanting “Omaha, Omaha!”.

Some work required?

August 3, 2014

At a Swedish church. a woman found 80 skeletons stuffed into Ikea bags. Apparently they were excavated during a renovation five years ago and not reburied. Well, yeah, because presumably no one could figure out the instructions.

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Bristol Palin, who released a memoir, was on Dancing with the Stars twice, and had her only reality show, is now suing her baby daddy Levi for child support of $1750 a month dating back to 2012. Bristol claims zero income for 2013 and 2014. Guess she couldn’t do something unthinkable like go on welfare, or actually get a job?

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The #SFgiants are the only team in major league baseball with four different pitchers who have thrown a complete game. And many younger fans are thinking “what’s a complete game?”

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Michael Morse clearly turned a fly ball into a double tonight, but the SF Giants’ Jake Peavy let it get to him enough to give up four runs. So where do you go to find a “pitcher whisperer?”

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Jimmy Graham dunked a football over the goalposts today after a touchdown in the Saints scrimmage, a move that will be illegal this year this season. Wonder how many violations it will take to get a two-game suspension.

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A lot of angry, ignorant people were against bringing that American humanitarian doctor infected with Ebola to an isolation ward in an Atlanta hospital. Wonder how many of them are also anti-vaccine?

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Robert F. Kennedy Jr, whose first marriage ended in divorce, whose second wife killed herself while they were estranged, and who has allegedly been having a 2-year affair during his engagement, got married again today to Cheryl Hines. A smart woman, who knows? But she’s got the foolish choices part down.

Time for the Church of Baseball?

July 29, 2014

Forget all these minor league players the #SFGiants are using to try to right the ship. Is Susan Sarandon busy? #bulldurham

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#SFGiants fans doing the wave? Is this a competition to see if folks in the stands can be as embarrassing as team on the field?

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With so many teams thinking they have a chance for a Wild Card, there’s a lot less action around the July 31 MLB trade deadline. Of course, if baseball wanted more media attention, they’d figure out a way to get Lebron James involved in some of these decisions.

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With the trade deadline approaching, players’ families on non-contending teams are anxiously awaiting possible moves. Which means in late July with the Cubs, most wives have real estate agents on speed dial.

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Donald Trump just said he won’t do anything ‘totally stupid’ in his bid to buy NFL’s Buffalo Bills. Why stop now?

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FSU will use GPS tracking devices on their football team this season during games. The school wants to monitor and track different analytics to prevent injuries. Tallahassee police presumably wonder if the players can keep them on 24-7?

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A new study found that more than 35 % of Americans have debts in collection. And Texas cities have some of the largest shares of their populations being reported to collection agencies: Dallas (44.3 %); El Paso (44.4 %), Houston (43.7 %), McAllen (51% and San Antonio (44%). Heck of a Texas Miracle, Rick Perry.

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Not the NFL.  Apparently #ESPN actually worries about losing their female audience.. Steven A. Smith was suspended 5 shows for his comments…., more than #RayRice.

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Almost as creative as “Witness for the Prosecution.” Lawyers for former Virginia Governor Bob McDonnell and his wife Maureen McDonnell, on trial for corruption, are claiming that the couple couldn’t have conspired together, because they weren’t speaking to each other at the time.

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Robert McDonald, a former Army officer and corporate CEO was confirmed today as the new Veterans Affairs secretary by a 97-0 vote. 97-0?! And Obama nominated him? Where was the Ted Cruz filibuster?.

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Apparently Oakland Raiders owner Mark Davis has had preliminary talks with local officials about moving the team to San Antonio. Guess with just having the Spurs in town, the city feels in need of a sports train wreck?

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Passengers on a three-hour Boston Harbor whale watching tour were stuck on the boat overnight when it got entangled in the line attached to a lobster pot. Were there warning signs? Like two names on the manifest being “The Professor” and “Mary Ann?”

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It’s getting bad in Baltimore. The next Ravens’ arrest may be for impersonating a member of the Cincinnati Bengals.

From Alex Kaseberg.   “The Baltimore Ravens have had five arrests in the off-season. It is so bad, “Netflix” is making a series about the Ravens called: “Orange is the New Purple and Black.”

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Rangers catcher J.P. #Arencibia had 7 RBI’s tonight. One more than #SFGiants have had in last six games combined.

Hall of Fame and Shame?

July 28, 2014

Greg Maddux once threw a complete game in an 1 hour and 46 minutes, and threw another complete game in 76 pitches. (63 strikes.) Both records equaled in about two innings of an average Red Sox-Yankees game

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Another thought about the baseball Hall of Fame, and the steroid-era players. Have been hearing a lot about how the Veterans’ committee won’t put them in because so many of them are anti-PEDs. But of course, players from other eras don’t consider what THEY took to be PED’s. #greenies

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Two young men kayaking in Jamaica Bay, NY lost their paddles, and ended up washing up near a runway at JFK Airport, without being detected by the airport’s $100 million security system. But on the other hand, this weekend at JFK, TSA did confiscate probably 1,000 bottles of water.

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So did you hear who won the #tourdefrance ? Me neither

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Have heard some say if sanctions are lifted against Cuba that MLB will be full of Cuban players. On the other hand, thinking right now that many Cuban kids grow up completely focused on baseball without distractions. Give them fast food, U.S. television, smartphones and other tech toys…and who knows. Their fundamentals may end up as sloppy as those of many U.S. kids.

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Lebron James is going to go back to #23 with the Cleveland Cavaliers. Stand by for the ESPN miniseries on how he arrived at that decision.

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Byron Scott, 53, has signed a 4 year deal to become the Lakers new head coach.  With all the  LA “veterans” Scott would fit right in as a player coach.

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Will Clark is 50 years old. And were he in uniform he had a better chance of getting a hit Sunday night than #22 Dan Uggla #retire22 #SFGiants

 

 

Sarah Palin has a new subscription-based Internet network, #SarahPalinChannel, which will feature her commentary and the ability for subscribers to ask questions. Monthly subscriptions will cost $9.95, but the show will presumably suddenly stop halfway through each month.

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Former Florida Governor Charlie Crist, who’s running again against Rick Scott, about Scott’s and Marco Rubio’s “I’m not a scientist” dodge of the global warming question. ““I’m not a scientist either, but I can use my brain, and I can talk to one.

(Alas, in Florida sometimes it seems like open minds are more discouraged than open carry.)

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Carolina DE Greg Hardy was convicted this month of assaulting a female – his ex-girlfriend – and communicating threats. He was sentenced to 60-day suspended jail sentence and 18 months’ probation, and will not talk about the incident except to say “I hate that I have distracted my team.”

The Panthers said they will wait to see what the NFL does, and not suspend Hardy pending the outcome of his appeal in a jury trial. (Which will be after the season) I’m sure the fact that he’s a Pro Bowler has nothing to do with it….

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Provocation?

July 26, 2014

Stephen A. Smith started out today about the Ray Rice situation telling women “Let’s make sure we don’t do anything to provoke wrong actions.” And then in his first apology “What about addressing women on how they can help prevent the obvious wrong being done upon them?” What is with Smith? Does he want to leave ESPN for a job at NFL headquarters.

 

And not that I condone violence, but it would be hard to be too broken up if some random woman hauls off and punches Stephen A. Smith, suggesting that he in future try not to “provoke wrong actions.”

 

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So today the Russian consumer protection agency said they are suing McDonalds for selling foods that contain more fats and carbohydrates than are allowed by national regulations. What’s next, Putin saying the U.S. via McDonald’s has killed more people than the MH17 missile?

(Or maybe it’s just that Putin has a man-crush on Michael Bloomberg.)

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They’re now selling seats from Candlestick Park before the stadium is being torn down. ($749 a pair, with a $50 discount for SFGiants season ticket holders.) Wonder for authenticity if the seats come with a free ice pack?

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Chris Paul has joined Doc Rivers in saying he could boycott the season if Donald Sterling is still in charge. So who knows, maybe there’s a chance the Lakers won’t be the worst NBA team in Los Angeles this year.

 

 

Rough night for SF Giants at A T and T, losing 8-1 on a night when Yasiel Puig got three triples and a double. Maybe the Giants strategy was to have Puig run enough he might pull a hamstring.

Zack Greinke struck  out four SF Giants in one inning.    Atlanta Braves fans were shocked one wasn’t Dan Uggla.

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But, hey, the  Dodgers had an off-day Thursday in San Francisco. #SFGiants were just one day behnd.

 

Johnny Manziel, about his off-field adventures. “At the end of the day,’ Manziel said, ‘I’ve made some rookie mistakes.’ But hey, now training camp has started. So soon Johnny can make some on-field rookie mistakes.

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A recent poll said 65% percent of Americans don’t want President Obama impeached. But 35% do. Leaving politics aside guess this means at least 35% of Americans have never actually read the Constitution.

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Gun rights advocates are touting the “good guy with a gun” case of an armed Philadelphia doctor who wounded a psychiatric patient who allegedly killed his caseworker and was apparently planning a mass shooting. Glad the guy was stopped. But what was a psychiatric patient with a long criminal history doing with a gun and over 40 bullets in the first place?

 

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Drew Brees, 35, says he feels like he’s still 25, and “I could play for another 10 years. And that would be my goal.” The Green Bay Packers are thinking “Damn, nobody tell Brett Favre,”(who’s 44.).

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A Google Shopping Express contract worker was arrested and charged with stealing more than $1000 of merchandise from a Target store while she was buying items for customers.

TThe woman has a criminal history involving possession and sale of meth. But apparently Google subcontracts out the shopping and the subcontractor didn’t do background checks.    Can’t wait to see what fun we could have with subcontracted Amazon drone operators.

 

 

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