Posted tagged ‘SF Giants jokes’

No sharks needed.

May 25, 2015

Despite warnings of dangerous and potentially life-threatening rip currents, 2 swimmers have died and several hundred more have needed to be rescued from Florida beaches this weekend, more than 400 in Volusia County (Daytona Beach area) alone, Darwin would be so proud.

Just heard Mike Krukow on TV today refer to Bud Selig as a great commissioner of baseball.  So guess Kruk picked up some brownies during ‪#‎SFGiants‬’  Colorado visit?

 

San Jose police arrested DE Ray McDonald, at the time a member of the Chicago Bears, on a domestic violence charge. This is turning into a twisted version of “Groundhog Day.”

The Ray McDonald era in Chicago is over. The Bears cut him later Monday. So now the question…. which team will give him a 4th chance?

With the most recent arrest of Ray MacDonald, former Gators’ coach Urban Meyer is really solidifying his position as leader of the all-time trouble team. ‪#‎Hernandez‬ ‪#‎MacDonald‬ ‪#‎Harvin‬

 

 

Horrible flooding in both Texas and Oklahoma. Forget oil.. Shouldn’t someone be able to figure out a way to build a pipeline for water to California?

Baltimore Orioles reliever Brian Matusz was suspended 8 games today, after being caught Saturday with a sticky substance on his arm. Considering he was the 2nd pitcher caught in a week, thinking MLB should have tacked on more games for stupidity. ‪#‎maybeheshouldhavetriedsomethingdifferent‬?

 

 

Apparently a lot of mall shoppers were upset by a black and white PacSun t-shirt displayed Monday with an upside-down U.S.flag, saying it was “disrespectful” etc. Although if you really want to honor fallen soldiers on Memorial Day, is going to the mall the best way to do it?

 

Basketball fans across the US hoping Stephen Curry is okay. Even in Cleveland, where they’re thinking Steph should think of his long term health, and just take about a month off. ‪#‎WarriorsvsRockets‬

After the first quarter ‪#‎HoustonRockets‬ were on pace for 180 in regulation tonight.

Have to wonder how different things might be in the Western Conference NBA finals if the Houston Rockets had only called a time out at the end of game 2?

Anyone who says baseball is slow has clearly never watched last minutes of ‪#‎NBA‬ game when fouling is a viable option. ‪#‎warriorsvsrockets‬

 

Ownership?

May 21, 2015

 

Okay, this is a bit harsh. And the SF Giants know as well as any team how meaningless the regular season can be when you get to the playoffs.  But who says American ingenuity is dead?  From the Los Angeles Dodgers’ Wikipedia page:

 

 

wikipedia

 

Clayton Kershaw on the pitch that Madison Bumgarner hit for a home run. “It was a fastball right down the middle. I should have respected him a little more.” Well, since Madbum hit four last year, maybe Kershaw should have just watched a little tape.

There are only 18 players in MLB who have homered off of both Clayton Kershaw and Zack Greinke. One of them is Madison “Babe” Bumgarner.

Well, on the bright side for the ‪#‎LADodgers‬, they had no wear-and-tear on their bats in 3 games at AT&T Park. ‪#‎sweep‬ ‪#‎3shutouts‬ ‪#‎SFGiants‬

Aaron Hernandez, serving a life sentence and now on trial for witness intimidation, apparently has a new tattoo and will “face discipline” for it. So what, they are going to lock the former Patriot away for two lifetimes?

 

Brewers’ relief pitcher Will Smith was ejected tonight for allegedly having pine tar on his arm. He said it was a mixture of rosin and sunscreen that he forgot to remove before coming in. Once again I like “pushed into a lifeboat” better.

Many complain that raising minimum wage will result in higher costs. But as USA TODAY reports, while McDonalds’ workers are pushing for a $15 hourly minimum wage, top executives at the company average $1220 an hour. Where’s the outrage over what THAT adds to the cost of a hamburger

The Duggar parents from “19 Kids and Counting” are rallying behind their son Josh, 27, after it has come out that he molested several girls when he was a teenager: “Even though we would never choose to go through something so terrible, each one of our family members drew closer to God.” Wonder if they’d be as supportive if one of their children simply came out as gay?

Pennsylvania Governor Tom Wolf has come out in favor of decriminalizing marijuana. Well, leaving aside the taxation and use-of- police-time issues, Philly fans need all the ways to mellow out they can get.

Kobe Bryant’s tweet on the Laker’s good luck in the NBA lottery. “We played like crap all season so it’s only right we get the #2 pick HA ‪#‎lakerluck‬ ‪#‎goodday‬” Well, and if the team only wasn’t paying $24 million to one over-the-hill player…..

Bus to hell time.  The world’s largest Disney Store opened in Shanghai and shoppers lined up for over a mile to get in. Sort of the Chinese equivalent of a school crafts fair where adults rush to buy what their children have made?

The FCC apparently has gotten 22 complaints from viewers watching golf on TV over bad language. And 15 of those involved Tiger Woods. Well, this might mean Tiger’s outbursts are in a different league. Or it might mean he’s the only golfer most people watch.

At Charlotte’s airport. a man who was angry about his flight being overbooked stripped naked in protest. And airlines are thinking, hmm… less weight, less fuel issues. Can we start having a clothing surcharge?

Citicorp, Barclays, JPMorgan Chase and the Royal Bank of Scotland have pleaded guilty to rigging the currency markets in 2008 and will pay collectively more than $5 billion in penalties. And you thought your banking fees were high NOW.

So apparently that shoot out in Waco, Texas started over a parking dispute. Many women heard that and are thinking “And they weren’t even Christmas shopping?

 

From T.C.  “NFL.com is refusing to take orders for personalized jerseys with the name “DEFLATOR” on the back. How about “SSSSSSSSSSS””

We didn’t start the fire…. but we wish we had.

May 17, 2015

 

So since Friday, when the smokestacks topped with bats caught fire at Great American Ball Park, the SF Giants have scored 30 runs in three games. Is it time to do a sacrificial bat bonfire out in the Coke Bottle at AT&T Park?

 

 

Getting the feeling that they had to have to pry ‪#‎SFGiants‬ hitters kicking & screaming out of the Cincinnati visitor’s clubhouse

A teenager fortunately escaped with non-life threatening injuries after being gored while posing for a picture with a bison a few feet away. Maybe I shouldn’t be surprised to know the teen is female. ‪#‎equalopportunityDarwin

Sunday was is “Bay to Breakers” in San Francisco. In many ways a quaint reminder of the days when California used to be considered the craziest state in the U.S.

 

 

That ‪#‎Romney‬ ‪#‎Holyfield‬ charity boxing match just may have had more action than ‪#‎Mayweather‬ ‪#‎Pacquaio‬

 

Henry Cisneros said today he thought Hillary Clinton would choose former San Antonio Mayor Julian Castro as her running mate. You’ll know the rumors are serious when some in the GOP start making noises about Castro’s birth certificate.

Bernie Sanders today on CNN denied he would be a “spoiler” in the 2016 race, and added “Maybe I shouldn’t say this: I like Hillary Clinton, I respect Hillary Clinton” But also asked if the media would “allow us to have a serious debate. Or is the only way you get media attention by ripping apart somebody else”

Besides being a self proclaimed “Democratic socialist,” Sanders is clearly too reasonable to ever be elected President.

 

Jeb Bush just joined with those who say that Christian business owners should not have to provide services for gay weddings “absolutely, if it’s based on a religious belief.”

I’d take Jeb and any of his fellow candidates more seriously if they would also come out and defend the right of those same business owners to reject wedding services where both parties haven’t remained virgins until marriage, or where one or both have been previously divorced….

So it’s becoming closer to unanimous amongst U.S.Presidential candidates that the Iraq War might have been a mistake. Now wonder who will be the first to admit there might be issues with the statement “The world is a better place without Saddam Hussein.” ‪#‎Isis‬ ‪#‎forstarters‬

Kobe and company would like to thank the ‪#‎Clippers‬ for their gallant effort in  contesting the ‪#‎Lakers‬ for this year’s most embarrassing story at Staples Center

 

Rut ro, from Marc Ragovin ” The good news: Charlotte Brown, a blind pole vaulter, won a bronze model at a recent track meet by clearing the bar at 11’6″. The bad news: her guide dog, Vador, will no longer be able to have puppies.”

On fire?

May 16, 2015

cincy

So all it really took for ‪#‎SFGiants‬ bats to heat up in Cincinnati is for the ballpark to catch fire?

As we approach the 2016 election many Americans are supporting Jeb hoping he won’t repeat his brother’s presidency.. Or supporting Hillary hoping she will repeat her husband’s. ‪#‎Itsallrelative‬

A new study sponsored by Microsoft found that humans now have shorter attention spans than goldfish. Oh look, a kitten….

 

As a regular driver on the bus to hell, still have to wonder, what if we could have only sent critically injured and now convicted Boston bomber Dzhokhar Tsarnaev’s to a random HMO hospital, maybe we wouldn’t be facing the current death penalty controversy?

I understand that vigilante justice is a bad idea, and I understand that jury trials are a right. But how many millions of dollars did we spend saving the life of Boston Marathon bomber Dzhokhar Tsarnaev, and on his trial, and how many more millions will be spent on the death penalty appeals.?

A new study sponsored by Microsoft found that humans now have shorter attention spans than goldfish. Oh look, a kitten….

Fox News guest Gavin Mcinnes: “The big picture here is, women do earn less in America because they choose to… They’re less ambitious, and I think this is sort of God’s way, this is nature’s way of saying women should be at home with the kids — they’re happier there.” So which GOP Presidential candidate will hire McInnes first as a cultural adviser?

So apparently Dakota Meyer, Bristol Palin’s fiance, married another woman in 2008. No word on when they split up. But just wondering, would Sarah and others in the GOP support a religious bakery owner’s right not to make a cake for a divorced man?

 

So now there are rumors, rumors only, that Bristol Palin’s fiance may STILL be married to another woman. As someone who tries to be a decent human being, I hope the rumors are wrong. As a bus to hell comedy writer….

Hoping for ‪#‎PaulPierce‬‘s sake that during last brilliant 3-point shot attempt he didn’t pause for a split second to call “game.” ‪#‎ATLvsWAS‬

So the Stanford Band has been banned from 2015 road trips, for off-field infractions including “an annual trip in which some band members used illegal substances.” Am sure it’s just coincidence that this year’s Cardinal away games include visits to Colorado and Washington State.

 

So some outrage over ABC’s George Stephanopoulos having contributed to the Clinton Foundation. Guess I missed the outrage from the same folks over Fox News’ Rupert Murdoch’s and Roger Ailes’s donations?

 

M Gone Blue.

May 12, 2015

Dennis Norfleet, Michigan’s all-time leader in kick returns and kick return yards has been dismissed from the program over a disciplinary issue with new coach Jim Harbaugh. Shall we start a pool with which SEC team Norfleet will end up?

Jim Harbaugh and Michigan have self-reported four minor violations to the NCAA. One of them, that he sent an autographed helmet and jersey to a high school auction benefiting a scholarship fund. (Which apparently Jim didn’t know was illegal.) Really good to see that the NCAA is focused on the important things.

Verizon is buying AOL. In hopes that finally two wrongs do make a right?

So apparently in yesterday’s apparent road rage incident involving George Zimmerman, both Zimmerman and the man who allegedly shot him -resulting in minor injuries -had guns with them at the time. And Darwin is thinking “Missed a two-fer by THAT much”

Tom Brady’s agent has accused Ted Wells of running a biased “sting” investigation on “Deflategate”, and Wells has fired back defending himself and the report. I’m wondering how long until one of the fired Patriots’ employees decides to supplement his severance pay with a book deal…..‪#‎whenyoureinaholestopdigging‬?

Today President Obama’s Tuesday fast-track trade deal was stalled in the Senate….by Democrats. And over at Fox News heads are exploding. ‪#‎dowehavetopickaside‬?

Just got a pre-sale notice for the Radio City Music Hall Christmas Spectacular. So is it time for stores to start decorating?

The U.K. Daily Mail is reporting that the real reason Lindsey Vonn and Tiger Woods split up is that she found out he cheated on her. “I can’t believe Tiger would do that” said nobody.

A woman gave birth on an AIr Canada flight to Japan, and said she hadn’t even known she was pregnant. Another graduate of “Abstinence only” education?

Donald Trump has apparently TRADEMARKED the slogan “Make America Great Again” for his Presidential campaign. Is he trying to top “Mission Accomplished?”

 

Per Duane Kuiper, ‪#‎SFGiants‬ are hitting 5 for 26 with the bases loaded in 2015. Matt ‪#‎Duffy‬ with the bases loaded is 3 for 4. ‪#‎McGehee‬ who?

The SF Giants have a much maligned farm system.  But starting today. Pitcher Chris Heston, catcher Buster Posey, first baseman Brandon Belt, second baseman Joe Panik, shortshop Brandon Crawford, and third baseball Matt Duffy. Every single one of them home-grown talent.

MLB has tightened security for its game balls after Deflategate. Angels pitcher C.J. Wilson commented “Obviously, there’s not as much that you can do to baseballs. I mean, you can’t change the density of the baseball at any point — unless you dunk them in water. Then they’re going to be 9 ounces, and everyone’s going to blow their arms out.” Hmm. wonder how he knew that?

Lindsay Lohan, who still has more than half of her 250 mandated community service hours to go from a 2013 reckless driving conviction, apparently missed her first day Tuesday at a Brooklyn preschool. This could really put her in jeopardy with Hollywood’s “37 strikes and you’re out” policy.

When men were men, and women were men too?

April 27, 2015

Max Scherzer, who injured his thumb batting, says the NL should add the DH as “no one wants to see pitchers bat.'” And that “NFW” in a loud southern drawl you hear comes from Madison Bumgarner. ‪#‎SFGiants‬

If Bruce Jenner feels he has “always been a woman”, is this a small twisted revenge on all those East German Olympic women’s medal winners?

Here we go again. In Napa, a 29-year-old high school girl’s soccer coach was arrested after a 16-year-old girl reported he propositioned her and sexted her a picture of his genitals. Leaving aside the illegality and wrongness of this, when will men learn – no one wants to see pictures of your junk.

The Boston Celtics shuffled their lineup for Game 4 today against the Cleveland Cavaliers. Guess this is the NBA version of re-arranging deck chairs on the Titanic.

A British man will marry his 92-year-old fiancee on his 103th birthday June 13. Well this is one way to probably avoid the 7-year-itch.

 

Corinthian Colleges said it will end operations and shut down their campuses, affecting more than 16,000 U.S. students. And of course the SEC schools who never got a chance to schedule them in football.

Sen. Ted Cruz said yesterday that “there is no room for Christians in today’s Democratic Party.” I think this is one appropriate time for the phrase “Jesus wept.”

 

“Why there is no satire” headline of the day- “George W. Bush Bashes Obama on Middle East.

 

After letting the Ottawa Senators climb back from 3-0 to 3-2, the Montreal Canadiens closed out their series by winning today’s game 2-0 behind Carey Price’s 43 saves. So the Canadiens may not be this year’s Stanley Cup champions, but at least they’re not this year’s San Jose Sharks.

Giants and Rockies rained out in Denver.  Well, at least this was one game Casey McGehee knew he wouldn’t hit into a double play.

Although as much as I might rag on McGehee,  he has the same number of home runs  (1) and until today, the same slugging percentage of the man he replaced, Pablo Sandoval.

 

 

And all aboard the bus to hell driven tonight by T.C

“Billy Joel, age 65, and his pregnant girlfriend who is 34 were harassed in a New York restaurant. People were calling him a pervert and dirty old man. He said it totally ruined their 22nd anniversary.”

Oldies but goodies.

April 14, 2015

The San Antonio Spurs are playing so well down the stretch, the NBA may end up classifying Ensure as a PED.

Wow. Just wow. That mother who dangled her 2 year-old over a cheetah enclosure, and then accidentally dropped him has been placed on leave from her job. Which is, or rather was – assistant director of a Columbus, Ohio “Kindercare” childcare center. ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬ ‪#‎whythereisnosatire‬ ‪#‎NottheOnion‬

 

Will someone please tell the ‪#‎SFGiants‬ that the sign on the ATT Park grass is not spelled Opening Weak. ‪#‎OpeningWeek‬

 

The #‎SFGiants‬ are scoring like folks at an ‪#‎AARP‬ convention with a Viagra shortage.

The Chicago Cubs are offering a new “Mac and Cheetos” hot dog For all those fans who have decided maybe it’s not worth living to wait until next year.

Considering all the injuries this year so far ‪#‎SFGiants‬ home opener could have been worse. ‪#‎Madbum‬ could have fallen off the horse.

Billy Joel, 65, and his 33 year old girlfriend are apparently expecting a baby daughter. Stand by for a change from “Uptown Girl” to “Up-all-night Girl.” “And when she wakes up And makes up her mind…..”

Some educators in Atlanta are going to prison over illegally inflating test scores for students from struggling schools.  Idiots. If only they had just done it for athletes….

Bus to hell time. Can they transfer Lawrence Phillips to the same prison as Jerry Sandusky?

Carly Fiorina said in an interview on “Morning Joe” that Hillary Clinton, while an “inspiration to women”, doesn’t have a record of “accomplishments.” I guess Carly figures she knows accomplishment. How many women have gotten their companies to pay them $20 million to leave?

 

The top Republican and Democrat on the Senate Foreign Relations Committee said they have reached a bipartisan agreement on legislation that would allow Congress to review a final nuclear deal with Iran. What? Must be a joke. This sounds too rational

 

The San Antonio Express-News reports that Joan Cheever, a chef who has been feeding the city’s homeless for the past decade, was cited last night by police with a $2,000 ticket for serving food without a permit. She plans to argue in court that under the 1999 Texas Religious Freedom Restoration Act, she has a right to serve food to the homeless because she considers it a free exercise of her religion.

Okay, where are the defenders of Indiana and Religious Freedom on this one??!!

If President Obama wants to do something with that “sponsor of terrorism” label he took off Cuba a lot of women would have no problem if he put it on Saudi Arabia.

 

Jeremy Lin on the Lakers “I do think we’re headed in the right direction.” Well, if the goal is a lottery pick, yes indeed

 

The makers of “Kind” bars have been warned by the FDA because “the products do not meet the requirements” to say the bars are a “good source of fiber” with “low sodium” and “no trans fat.” Well, as if anyone expected to find wood chips in “cottage” cheese.

Here we go again. John Boehner today said Obama should re-engage U.S. combat troops in Iraq to fight ISIS. Is the Speaker volunteering to go over and lead them?

Hint to drivers: When a sign under a stop sign says “Cross traffic does not stop” it refers to the street your street is crossing.  All cars. Not a comment on cross i.e. angry drivers     ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬   #nearmiss #didnthavetimetobeawitnesss

 

From Marc Ragovin:   “Upon kicking off his presidential run, Marco Rubio said “Yesterday is over, and we are never going back.” He then unveiled a five minute commercial featuring him and a superimposed Ronald Reagan.”


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