Posted tagged ‘SEC jokes’

College prep?

March 7, 2014

In Atlanta, an investigation discovered that parents of 14 of the 58 players on the highly-ranked Grady High School football team had used faked addresses to enroll at the school. Sounds like the parents are preparing their sons well for the honorable world of college football….

(And maybe the parents all wanted their sons to play at SEC schools?)

-

The Miami Marlins were reportedly upset that Boston sent a mostly minor-league lineup “organizational filler in Red Sox batting practice jerseys” to a spring training game today. “Organizational filler in jerseys.” Doesn’t that basically describe the 2013 Marlins? (Who won all of 62 games.)

-

Class, nothing but class. All around. An Ohio woman, upset when she found out her husband was having an affair with a Walmart employee, went to that Walmart, and posted numerous photos throughout the store of them having sex , with the caption “Hide your Husbands.”

(and have to wonder, how many Walmart shoppers tried to buy the pictures?)

-

Jon Stewart on the new GOP love affair with Putin because he’s a leader. “‘Makes a quick decision and everybody reacts.’ That’s not what you call a leader, that’s what you call a toddler.”

-

The #Philadelphia76ers have lost 15 games in a row. This could affect their seeding in the NCAA tournament. #MarchMadness

-

Adrian Peterson wants Minnesota to sign free agent QB Michael Vick. So will the media start secret polls to see if Viking players would be comfortable with a dog-killer in their locker room?

-

Meanwhile, the Brooklyn Nets are 7-3 in their last 10 games.  And on a four game win streak.  Now Jason Collins isn’t playing that much….but if he’s affecting the locker room, a whole lot more teams will be wanting to sign gay players.

-

The Miami Heat lost 111-87 to the San Antonio Spurs tonight, and LeBron James partly blamed his short-sleeve jersey for his 6-18 shooting night. Right then, if LeBron wasn’t bothered by his jersey and hit 100% of this shots, the Heat would have… tied?!

-

Manny Ramirez has set up his own training camp near Miami, and hopes that some team gives him a call ”If it is God’s will, I could play in MLB this season.” It could happen, particularly if God loves comedy writers.

-

In Georgia lawmakers are considering a bill that would allow guns in Atlanta’s Hartsfield-Jackson International Airport. Well, that’s one way to deal with overhead bin hogs.

-

Tony Hawk apologized to fans who thought a viral video showing him flying on a hoverboard was real. (The pro-skateboarder was actually using a movie stunt harness.) What’s next? Hawk signing a contract to promote Amazon’s drone delivery?

-

Entitlement karma in action in Los Altos, California.  Chevy Tahoe parked in a “compact car” space, unable to open driver’s side door due to a large Mercedes SUV parked right next to them, also in a “compact car” space….

-

At Oscar Pistorius’s trial in South Africa, a defense witness said he found the track star crying over his girlfriend’s body and praying for her to live. A sign of innocence, or a sign that Pistorius had calmed down after shooting the young woman and was already regretting it?

-

The Washington D.C. City Council Legislation voted last night to decriminalize marijuana. Could put a whole new meaning on bringing cases before the high court.

-

From Marc Ragovin:  “Kiki Dee turned 67 on Thursday. That explains her new hit: “DOn’t Go Breaking My Hip.” (more…)

Oh, dear.

January 7, 2014

49ers coach Jim Harbaugh today compared Colin Kaepernick to a gazelle. Is that really the right metaphor to use when your next opponent is the Panthers?

-

Upon further reflection with that Chiefs-Colts matchup, the only person who could have stopped Andrew Luck taking over that game late was David Shaw.

-

Jim Harbaugh said after yesterday’s 49ers-Packers game, that the “greatest catcher of all time, Michael Crabtree, catches everything.” The “greatest catcher of all time?” Uh, not even the greatest “catcher” in recent history with the 49ers.

-

The latest battle in Washington is over long-term unemployment benefits, and many in the GOP are against reintroducing them. Although you do wonder how some in Congress can rail with a straight face against unemployed Americans who have accomplished nothing in six months.

-

Proving that all the stupidity in the world is not caused by testosterone poisoning. A New Hampshire girl is recovering after she got stuck for 15 minutes to a flag pole after licking it during a blizzard.

.

Madonna posted an Instagram picture of her 13-year-old son holding a bottle of Bombay Sapphire gin. Looks like the apple isn’t going to stagger far from the tree.

-

You would think if any team in the US knew to put some fast defenders on their kicking team it would be Auburn. #ownmedicine #AUBvsFSU

-

So for the first time in 8 years, an SEC team is not the BCS champion.   Something that no doubt will be addressed by the conference putting 2 or 3 teams in next year’s playoffs.

-

-

Pasadena police have to be relieved. They don’t have to stand guard over their palms to prevent the trees being rolled.

-

With the story of Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos being airlifted off a cruise ship, kidney stones are in the news. With one story saying “they are more painful than childbirth.” Just guessing that quote comes from a man.

-

The new Chevrolet Camaro Z/28 is expected to cost $75,000. And that’s before speeding tickets.

-

Stay classy! Gubernatorial candidate Tim Donnelly has a commercial out dismissing the idea of a Republican “War on Women”. It features Jennifer Kerns, his female campaign manager saying “The war on women was started by consultants.” And Kerns mentions “Chappaquiddick” as an example of a real war on women. Guessing even much of the GOP is appalled, although no doubt there are others who wonder if they can blame Chappaquiddick on Obama.

A Rose-y Feeling.

December 8, 2013

My son points out:  “Only one current group of seniors in the country will never know what it’s like to not play in a BCS bowl…and every one is going to graduate…from Stanford.”

-

Question of the night:  How the heck did this #Stanford team manage to lose to Utah?

-

A gay teacher Catholic high school teacher near Philadelphia was fired Friday when he applied for a license to marry his male partner in New Jersey. Now had the guy been married 30 years and dumped his wife for a girl his daughter’s age, they’d have thrown him an engagement party.

-

December 7, 1941, “A Day that will live in infamy.” Wonder how Americans in the 40s would have felt had NSA been able to spy on phone calls in Japan?

-

David Ortiz says the Yankees lost “the face” of their ballclub when Cano signed with the Mariners. Leaving aside the insult to Jeter I would think the “face” of the Yankees would be more likely to be a George Washington or Ben Franklin, or someone else whose face is on money.

-

Yankees fans are apparently burning Robinson Cano jerseys after he signed with Seattle. Whereas presumably they think Jacoby Ellsbury and Carlos Beltran just made smart decisions to feed their families.

-

So Auburn ends up in the National Championship?    After today’s game with Missouri a better fit for either team might have been the Arena Football League.

-

So Nick Saban said today Auburn should play for National Championship because they beat Alabama. Uh, okay, but how about LSU, who beat Auburn. And then Ole Miss, who beat LSU, and Mississippi State who beat Ole Miss. Poor Bowling Green, they knocked off undefeated NIU and lost to Mississippi State by 1 or they’d be in the equation.

-

And a moment for brief comparison of conference strength:  Auburn beat Washington State 31-24. That same WSU Cougars team against the Pac 12? Lost 55-21 to ASU, 62-38 to Oregon, 52-24 to Oregon State, and 55-17 to Stanford. Just saying….

-

The NFL has to be “thrilled” about their upcoming Super Bowl. 29 degree weather in New Jersey. On the other hand, the weather isn’t that much better today in say, Texas.

As someone who hates the SEC, I hate them even more that they made me root for Ohio State and Urban Meyer on principle.

-

-Ah yes, football is different in the South. At a press conference a reporter asked the lawyer for the woman who accused FSU QB Jameis Winston of rape if her family was affiliated with the University of Alabama.

Bus to hell time:   Guess as an anti-SEC fan it would be tacky to post “Rah rah rapist.”

If you’re reading this,,.

December 2, 2013

You’ve finished your Cyber Monday shopping?  Or you haven’t gotten the right deal in your inbox yet.

-

Today is #CyberMonday. The one time of year that office managers long for those productive days of March Madness.

-

So what follows Cyber Monday?  UPS Deliveryperson Hernia week?

-

All this talk about SEC superiority would be a lot easier to swallow if the league would actually schedule a real out-of-conference opponent once or twice a year. Stanford just played Notre Dame. Alabama last week played Chattanooga….

-

My friend Bill Schmarzo says that years from now, 1 million people will claim to have been at the Alabama-Auburn game. And I’m thinking 100 million people will say they were watching the game live on TV instead on the ESPN etc, replays.

-

OSU coach Urban Meyer has no plans to suspend either of this starters for getting ejected in yesterday’s game against Michigan. Even though starting guard Marcus Hall flipped off the fans after being ejected. If only Hall wasn’t a Senior. Meyer might have suspended him for next year’s critical matchup against Kent State.

-

Maybe this year’s #NYJets season is God’s way of saying “You really really should have stuck with my man #Tebow.

-

The Texans’ Antonio Smith claimed after Houston’s 34-31 loss to the Patriots “Either teams are spying on us or scouting us,” Well, it is just possible that New England coach Bill Belichick was up to something again. Or it is possible that Houston is a sucky football team.

-

The NFL is apparently considering a six-figure fine for Pittsburgh coach Mike Tomlin for stepping on the field and blocking Jacoby Jones, and may even take away a Steelers’ draft pick. Just imagine what the league would do if Tomlin were wearing the wrong color shoelaces.

-

Sad news about Paul Walker. But doesn’t it seem somehow appropriate that the “Fast and Furious” star died in what appears to have been at least a 100mph car crash?

-

Who says romance is dead? In Green Bay, a man proposed to his girlfriend Friday at 2am in the mail while the two were doing some Thanksgiving night shopping? Maybe they can get married next Black Friday and start their honeymoon shopping for doorbusters.

-

The Florida Gators, who finished the year ranked 112th in total offense, just fired their offensive coordinator. Which came as as a shock to many Gator fans who weren’t aware their 2013 team HAD an offensive coordinator.

-

Rick Santorum on CNN’s “State of the Union” wondered “Is the president competent to do his job?” And to be fair, if anyone knows about not being competent to do a job, it’s the former Senator from Pennsylvania….

-

Apparently the Obamacare website, HealthCare.gov is “greatly improved” a month after its inauspicious debut. If true you know that that means… time for the GOP to start talking about Benghazi again.

-

Rick Santorum on CNN’s “State of the Union” wondered “Is the president competent to do his job?” And to be fair, if anyone knows about not being competent to do a job, it’s the former Senator from Pennsylvania….

Let it be, whatever it was…

November 2, 2013

Paul McCartney, 71, says he and Yoko Ono, 80, have ended their feud. Which is either a sign of gracious maturity, or that they can’t remember why they disliked each other in the first place.

-

Phrase I’d nominate for oblivion: “Keeping bowl hopes alive.” Right, because everyone plays football in hopes of that magical 6-6 season.

-

Washington, D.C. is thinking of decriminalizing marijuana. Sounds good but there’s the danger of members of Congress smoking. Which might at least make them mellower but also lethargic and unable to accomplish anything… Oops, never mind.

-

Ted Cruz says his father was just “making a joke” when he said President Obama should go “back to Chicago, back to Kenya” at an event last year. Maybe. Or maybe Cruz is afraid of birthers telling him he should “go back to Texas, back to Canada.”

-

Despite videos surfacing that purport to show him smoking crack, Toronto mayor Rob Ford said again that he will not resign. At least until he figures out the steps to run next for mayor of Washington, D.C.

-

Alabama had a bye week this Saturday. Which means the Crimson Tide has about as much a chance of losing as they do against their usual out-of-conference cupcakes.

-

Apparently all 13 suspects arrested for credit card fraud at Barney’s stores this year were minorities: 10 black men, two black women, and an Asian woman. But one question, so how many white people may have committed credit card fraud, and weren’t arrested?

-

While Cal made it within a touchdown in their 33-28 loss today to Arizona, the Bears, with only a win against Portland State, look poised to run the table to be 0 for the conference. On the other hand, Cal does look to be in the lead for the “Pac 12 team most likely to be offered $1 million to play Alabama.”

-

The FCC is working on a proposal to require all NFL games to be shown in their teams’ home markets, even when the games don’t sell out. And football fans in Tampa and Jacksonville are crying – “Haven’t we suffered enough?”

Falling leaves, falling rankings.

October 20, 2013

Five ranked SEC teams lost yesterday. No punchline. I just like writing that.

-

 

The Washington Redskins actually won. I blame Obama.

-

Ted Cruz is now blaming Senate Republicans for the “lousy deal” to reopen the government. Other Senate Republicans are blaming voters in Texas.

-

Perhaps Shakespeare anticipated the BCS? As almost two months before bowls are actually decided, the first BCS standings are out – “full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.”

-

An alligator wandered right outside a Walmart in Apopka, Florida last night, but returned to its nearby lake without incident. But the 6-foot creature now holds the title of the scariest thing seen at that Walmart, well not wearing curlers and short shorts….

-

Oregon beat WSU 62 to 38, but defensive coordinator Nick Aliotti was furious at Washington State coach Mike Leach, whose team racked up 559 yards. “That’s total bullshit that he threw the ball at the end of the game like he did I think it’s low class and it’s bullshit to throw the ball when the game is completely over against our kids that are basically our scout team.” How dare they indeed… why the Cougars even managed to cover the spread….

-

Stanford fans just watched a #Colts drive where #AndrewLuck showed how he WOULD have won the Fiesta Bowl. #Notbitter

-

Even for those of us whose team’s are not in the World Series, one thing to smile about – after this year Tim McCarver is retiring!

Maria Belen Chapur, Mark Sanford’s reason for “hiking the Appalachian trail” and now his fiancee, complained to a reporter that “Everybody has a fantasy that governors or lawmakers make a lot of money. ‘I’m going to take away that fantasy because a governor in the United States makes $108,000 per year … it’s not even enough to pay for private school for his children.” Oh the horror. (Btw, as a Congressman, Sanford now makes $174,000 a year. per capita income in South Carolina, $33,000.)

-

New England Patriots coach Bill Belichick isn’t happy with the controversial rule interpretation that led to the NY Jets’ game winning field goal today. And longtime Oakland Raiders fans are just giggling.

-

Wonder what kind of odds you could have gotten in Vegas before 2013 season that the last undefeated team in the NFL would be the #KCchiefs?

-

If only strength of schedule helped for playoff seeding. #AndrewLuck and #Colts have beaten 49ers, Seahawks and Broncos.

Poll dancing.

October 19, 2013

Five of the 10 ten NCAA football teams have lost today. “Wow,” said SEC players. “That’s more than half.”

-

Clemson, Texas A & M, South Carolina and Georgia all lost today.   Guess you can’t really build up strength on a steady diet of cupcakes. 

-

Great touchdown catch for Stanford. Guess you know you’re gettting old when you can remember a time when the reaction wasn’t “Well that will make Top Ten” on “Sportscenter.”

-

Who knew? University of Central Florida might be a better football team than the University of Florida.

-

Kentucky coach John Calipari last night “We don’t just play college basketball, we are college basketball. As you know, we are everyone’s Super Bowl.” It’s that kind of humility and grace that makes the Wildcats so beloved around the sport…..

-

Former Houston Oilers and New Orleans Saints coach Bum Phillips has passed away at the age of 90. Will Saints fans who attend his funeral wear paper bags over their heads?

-

Former NBA superstar Bill Russell, 79, was arrested this week at Seattle-Tacoma International Airport after he apparently forgot about a loaded .38 caliber pistol in his carry-on luggage. If you’re too old to remember you have a gun, perhaps you’re too old to have a gun.

-

Jim Leyland has managed this ALCS like a man who is pushing for MLB to have a mandatory managerial retirement age.

-

Was Max #Scherzer really done in both #ALCS games?   Maybe. Without him, Tigers were really done. Definitely.

-

So when the Boston Red Sox vote playoff shares will they vote one to the LA Dodgers for taking $250 million worth of bad contracts off their payroll?

-

Cal is now 1-6 this year after a big loss to Oregon State. The real question for the 2013 Golden Bears – how did they win that one game?

Light up the night?

September 8, 2013

The 2020 Olympics has been awarded to Tokyo. The city was an early favorite but has been dealing with mounting worries over the Fukushima nuclear plant. Well, on a brighter note, we could end up with the first glow-in-the-dark Olympic medals.

-

In the first America’s Cup race the two boats have come within inches of each other several times. Now, that’s a way to increase viewership – demolition derby?

-

During their upset lost to Miami, Florida had to burn a critical 4th quarter time out because of 12 men on the field during a PAT. Maybe this will prompt a new SEC emphasis on athletes taking math?

 

-

Meanwhile, Stanford won 34-13 over San Jose State, beating the Spartans soundly but not covering the spread. Although coach David Shaw basically had the Cardinal kneel down in San Jose State territory for the last couple minutes of the game to run out the clock.

Stanford fans know  Jim Harbaugh is well and truly gone – he’d have probably called passes into the end zone and then gone for two.

-

SI is planning to publish articles about alleged “inappropriate activities and actions” from 2001-2007 in Oklahoma State’s football program -including athletes being paid, drug abuse, grade changes, and hostesses providing sex to recruits. And gosh, what ever happened to the Cowboys’ coach from that time?

(For football fans who don’t follow it that closely, the coach from 2001-2004 was Les Miles. Since 2005 he has coached LSU.)

-

When Irish eyes are crying: Notre Dame 30, Michigan 41.

-

From Jerry Perisho:  “This season, Manti Teo’s imaginary girlfriend dates a player from Michigan.”

-

Washington State 10,  USC 7.  “Gosh do we wish we had hired Lane Kiffin as our coach” said no NCAA school anywhere.

-

There may be a more useless trend at games than having fans tweet random messages to put on the scoreboard. But offhand hard to think of one.

-

All these GOP members of Congress waxing so poetically about our need to avoid military intervention in the Mideast. I do imagine at “The Daily Show” interns are working overtime taking notes and saving video clips for future use.

-

So Dennis Rodman made another visit to his good friend Kim Jong Un. Guessing the Worm didn’t bring a copy of his ex-girlfriend Madonna’s “Sex” book.

-

The 2014 Super Bowl halftime act will be… Bruno Mars? Is that because an outdoor game in winter will be too cold for the usual old farts?

Bill Littlejohn’s take on the situation: The Super Bowl halftime show will  be performed by Bruno Mars.  Fitting, because the only place likely to feel colder than the stands at the Super Bowl that day will be Mars”

-

Screwed or not to be screwed?

May 30, 2013

It could have been a long day when….. you are about to try to to put a corkscrew into a nice bottle of wine….and realize it’s a screwtop.

-

Not that it mattered in the end, open note to all morons: If you make enough money to afford seats in the front row for a baseball game, you should be smart enough to keep your hands OFF a ball that is in play. (Yes, I’m talking to you, idiot who might have cost the Giants a triple.

-

Although after another rough night  -for SF Giants’ fans -  maybe the #SFGiants would let #OaklandAs move to San Jose.  If the A’s  agreed to scrap those regular inter-league games?

(Say, aren’t the Seattle Mariners looking for a rival?)

-

The SEC voted today 13-1 to keep playing only 8 football conference games a year instead of 9. Which could cost them TV ratings, but hey, 9 games means one less game against teams like Kent State, Chattanooga, and the Little Sisters of the Poor.

-

The bad news: Two U.S Embassy officials were shot in an altercation at a Caracus, Venezuela strip club. The good news: Their injuries are not life-threatening, and they aren’t Secret Service.

-

Wouldn’t be shocked to see GOP call for a Congressional committee to look into the two Embassy employees shot and wounded in a Caracas strip club. But if they do, in the spirit of bipartisan cooperation, Bill Clinton has volunteered to head the investigation.

-

Dear Gawd. Several Penn State trustees and former players, along with Joe Paterno’s family, are reportedly planning to sue the NCAA over the Sandusky sanctions. Only folks who may be happy about this are in Rutgers’ AD. Would take their mess right off the front page.)

 

-

John McCain, after his sneak visit to Syria, says he is now more resolved that the U.S. must increase our involvement in their internal conflict. Leaving aside how well it usually turns out when we go into the Mid East, where is it written in the GOP handbook that deficits don’t count if they are incurred by the military?

-

A woman turned in a loaded semi-automatic pistol found on a ride at Walt Disney World’s Animal Kingdom, and a Florida man was asked to leave the park when he tried to retrieve the gun, which he said had fallen from his pocket. The man said he had a concealed weapons permit and didn’t realize Disney did not allow firearms. Your move, Arizona.

-

Usher, who discovered Justin Bieber at the age of 13, told Ellen this week that he hops the young man “will continue to mature” Shocking? Usher thinks Bieber has started to mature?

-

 

Baseball-softball, along with wrestling and squash, made the final three as the IOC decides which single sport to reinstate in the 2020 Olympics. If baseball-softball doesn’t end up winning, however, fans of amateur baseball will still have the little league, college games and the Houston Astros.

-

Michele Bachmann says she is not running for re-election. And somewhere Jon Stewart is weeping..

 

So now it looks like there’s actually a legitimate chance for the NBA finals to be Indianapolis-San Antonio. ESPN is ready… to talk about potential changes to the NFL schedule..

-

 

Silver lining department from T.C.  NCAA just announced that Rutgers has won both the men’s and women’s awards — for dodgeball.

Duck, duck, goosed. Or at least Cardinaled.

November 18, 2012

 

 

Caption contest for the above?

 

Maybe they were expecting an Oregon-Kansas State BCS championship game?

 

 

-

Forget Duck A L’Orange. How about Duck A L’Cardinal? Go Stanford.

-

Apparently Duck hunting season started early this year in Eugene.

-

Stanford is one quarterback substitution earlier in the year (and maybe one change of placekicker) to being in the discussion for the BCS championship.

-

 

Florida Gov. Rick Scott said in a speech to conservatives this week that “the election is over. Get over it.” And of course his state should be done counting ballots any week now.

-

 

A Northern Arizona gun shop owner has the following sign in his window: “If you voted for Barack Obama your business is not welcome. You have proven you are not responsible enough to own a firearm.” Wait a minute. Isn’t that gun control?

-

Maryland and Rutgers are in talks to become the 13th and 14th members of the Big Ten. And we wonder why football players are bad at math.

-

At the “Books Inc” bookstore,  copies of “Anna Karenina” with photo of Keira Knightly on cover are on the front display. Wonder how many of the younger generation are thinking “Wow, they wrote that fast to go with the movie opening.”

 

So after Alabama’s loss to Texas A & M, the Crimson Tide followed up this weekend with the powerhouse opponent Western Carolina. Can’t imagine how SEC teams get the reputation of playing out-of-conference cupcakes.

 

 

 

“I am pro-life, but because life is complicated, that choice is between a woman and her idea of a higher power. I believe if Roe vs. Wade were repealed, abortion would still go on. I care more about my economy, national security, and fiscal conservatism than I do about what women do with their bodies. It’s not my place, and I don’t believe it’s the government’s place, to make such decisions.” Maybe the GOP nominated the wrong McCain in 2008. This quote is from Meghan.

Bowled over. Finally.

January 11, 2012

Finally.

Not saying bowl season goes on too long, but even many guys had to be thinking, Ah heck, enough, let’s switch to the channel where the guy gets to choose between all the hot scantily clad chicks.

-

Monday night’s LSU-Alabama rematch was the lowest-rated BCS title game ever. Rumor has it at some point ESPN thought about turning the game over to Versus.

-

But really, this stretched out BCS is becoming a joke. Why, the January 9 final meant that even the major bowl game schedule lasted longer than most folks’ New Year’s resolutions.

-

T.C’s BCS comments: The BCS Championship game was so boring that Dr.Pepper is rumored to be withdrawing it’s sponsorship. Red Bull is signing up right away.

My vote for MVPs? Both kickers. Bama’s place kicker and LSU’s punter.

-

Actually the only player with less to do this week than LSU’s placekicker? The New Orleans’ Saints punter.

-

The Golden State Warriors were down 17 points tonight to the Miami Heat, and down 84-72 after the third. And they won 111-106 in OT. Wow. Who knew Lebron and company were already in playoff form.

-

This line isn’t original, but kudos to Jim Harbaugh for maintaining a sense of humor. When asked how it felt to watch the Saints rack up 626 yards in offense last weekend, the 49ers coach responded “It makes me go to bed and sleep like a baby. I wake up every hour crying.”

-

Who’d a thunk two months ago that Tim Tebow would last longer in a NFL leadership position than Hue Jackson?

-

Jon Huntsman failed to qualify for the ballot in Arizona, because the the nomination paper submitted on his behalf did not include the required notarized signature. And Huntsman’s supposed to be the smart one?

-

On the other hand, another great campaign moment. Rick Santorum sent out an email to his supporters talking about waiting for the polls to open in New Hampshire. Except he sent it at 645p EST tonight. (Are we sure he didn’t inhale.)

-

And how bad was Rick Perry’s N.H. performance? The Texas Governor could probably actually count all his votes.

-

John McCain said last night that picking Sarah Palin his running mate was “still the best decision I’ve ever made.” Of course, this could be pandering. Or it could mean America dodged a bullet by not electing a man who now appears too old to be president.

-
-

Robert Griffin III told Baylor today he was going pro. Bears’ coaches weren’t sure at first if that meant entering the NFL draft or transferring to an SEC school.

-

A new Facebook app allows users to post a carefully constructed message to the world in the event of their death. Bummer for all those who might have used such an app on MySpace.

-

Does this really need a punchline? Kim Kardashian who made a Super Bowl commercial for Skechers (a sneaker company) last year, has been replaced in this year’s commercial by a French bulldog.

-

All these GOP candidates lambasting Mitt Romney for saying he likes to fire people. Makes me almost wish Donald Trump was still running.

-

Congratulations to Mitt Romney for winning the New Hampshire primary. Now Mitt willl be increasingly campaigning against the President’s promised “hope and change.” And with Romney’s positions, you don’t need to hope, you KNOW they’ll change.

Another one doesn’t bite the dust.

November 20, 2011

But numbers #2 and #4, and #5 and #7 sure did.

-

Lee Corso’s “F*** it” comment today on College Game Day is going viral. In Corso’s defense he says was just previewing what BCS executives are saying to each other tonight looking at what’s left of their top 10.

-
In Eugene, Oregon still had BCS title hopes alive until the last second, with a chance to tie USC and put the game into overtime, but their field goal attempt sailed wide left. Who do the Ducks think they are, Florida State?

-

Ugly win in ugly weather for Stanford over Cal. But Oklahoma, Oklahoma State, Oregon and Clemson would trade places with the Cardinal tonight.

-

Meanwhile, Stanford’s Andrew Luck was named to the NCAA’s Academic All American first team. The response from most of the SEC “Academic? Is that like part of the Academy Awards or something?”

-
-

Meanwhile Penn State beat Ohio State. Sad to think that a month ago this would have made fans of clean football programs happy.

-
Old Navy goofed up earlier this year with “Lets go” football shirts (no hyphen). Now Victoria’s Secret came out with a “Hail to the Victors” shirt. Except that the shirt is green, and says “Go Spartans”…. (Don’t know if they’re more offended in Ann Arbor or Lansing.)

-

If President Obama wants a big jump in his approval ratings maybe he should consider an executive order making the BCS unconstitutional. (The SEC is all red states anyway.)

-

Meanwhile, happy belated birthday (Saturday) to V.P. Joe Biden. Hard to believe it was just a few short years ago that he was considered to be the politician most likely to embarrass himself by opening his mouth.

-

Joe Paterno’s son Jay said Friday that while his world has turned “upside down” in the past two weeks, “We’ve got to make sure we keep focus on the victims of this whole tragedy.”

Uh, isn’t Jerry Sandusky saying there are no victims?

-

Jon Huntsman appeared on SNL Saturday night, and was funny, self-deprecating, and articulate. On a night with Kermit the Frog and some Muppets on the show, Hunstman showed again why this Republican primary is calling for a rousing chorus of “One of these things is not like the other.”

-

Newt Gingrich has apparently received millions from companies he has “advised” in Washington since leaving Congress. Well, since as a man with three wives Gingrich is defending traditional marriage, why can’t he also run as an insider who wants to reform Washington?

-

Mitt Romney said this weekend – “I’m not looking for the next step in my political career. I don’t have a political career.” Paraphrased, “I’m blaming everything I supposedly said and did in Massachusetts on my evil twin.”

-
It’s shaping up to be a great Sunday for football fans in Indianapolis – the Colts have a bye week.

-

Finally tonight’s “bus to hell” comment courtesy of T.C. “NCAA announces plans for the 1st annual Churchill Downs Horseplayers Bowl: Penn St vs Syracuse.”

-

Happy hour trails?

October 22, 2011

Red Sox pitching coach Curt Young is also leaving Boston, and returning to the Oakland Athletics. Wonder if he’s bringing the keg with him.

-

All these recalls for cantaloupe, spinach, lettuce etc. Ironically the safest food for kids to eat just might be those McDonalds Happy Meals.

-

Libyans have temporarily put Moammar Gadhafi’s body was on display in a commercial freezer at a shopping center. Most Americans heard that news and were somewhat appalled. But at least one producer is no doubt trying to figure out how to turn something like that into a reality show.

-

Former South Carolina governor Mark Sanford will become a contributor for Fox News. Guess, Sanford’s first choice, the Outdoor Channel, wouldn’t buy his idea for a series on hiking various trails.

-

Mets GM Sandy Alderson has announced the dimensions at Citi Field will be changed this off-season, to make the ballpark more hitter-friendly. I guess chicks don’t dig the long fly out.

-

From Bill Littlejohn: Fauja Singh became the first person to cross the finish line of a full marathon at age 100 when he did this in Toronto. Problem is, he began the race at age 35.

-

-

Herman Cain seems like he hasn’t figured out his choice on being pro-choice. He said on CNN that abortion is ultimately a “choice that a family or a mother has to make.” Then he said later “Abortion should not be legal,” but if that “family made a decision to break the law, that’s that family’s decision, that’s all I’m trying to say.”
With fence-straddling like that Cain really must want to be Mitt Romney’s running mate.

=

With the NBA season cancelled for the forseeable future, some NBA stars are planning a six game exhibition tour. The competition will be essentially meaningless, which means, not much different than six early games in the regular season.

-

Michele Bachmann’s paid campaign staffers have apparently just jumped ship. “What took you so long?” said the already long deserted rats.

-

An NCAA task force is proposing a bowl ban for Division 1 teams who don’t reach certain APR (Academic Progress Rate) standards. SEC schools immediately offered a compromise – to start requiring that all their student athletes can spell “Academic Progress Rate.”

-
The Texas Rangers won game two of the World Series 2-1 with both runs scored on sacrifice flies. Or as SF Giants call that “a major offensive explosion.”

Sign of the apocalypse?

October 11, 2011

Is this a sign of the apocalypse or what? At the time of writing this post, the best professional team in Michigan plays football, and the best professional team in Texas plays baseball.

-

Okay, we all know that the SEC conference has the best on-field reputation in college football. (We won’t talk about stuff like academics and felonies, for now.)

But looking at the rankings, with Boise State over Stanford in most polls, when did the Mountain West Conference pass the Pac 12?

-
Apparently due to an outage, millions of BlackBerry users in Europe have been without Web and texting service Monday. What a crisis. Many teenagers were forced to actually talk to each other.

-

A legally blind high school student in New Jersey pitched a no-hitter. Which might be a first. Although many sports fans would say that legally-blind umpires have often called one.

-

Former Minnesota Gov. Tim Pawlenty says “if I would have known then what I know now” he would have stayed in the presidential race longer. Well, yeah, at the very least Pawlenty would have had his turn to have poll numbers equal to or better than Mitt Romney’s.

-

Netflix got a brief public relations boost Monday morning by announcing they are reversing their plan to split their streaming and DVD rentals into two companies with two logins, passwords, etc. But then all those happy customers realized, the price hike stays….

This is kind of like leaving your wife for another woman, returning, and saying “by the way honey, mind if she stays with us for a while?”

-

Hank Williams Jr, is coming out with a new song “I’ll keep my ….” Including the line “So Fox `n Friends wanna put me down/Ask for my opinion/Twist it all around….” And he urges Americans to boycott the show (along with ESPN.) Must give props to Williams – he’s done something few thought possible – accused “Fox & Friends” of being overly PC.

-
Okay, lies, damn lies and statistics time. And yes, the 49ers are somehow 4-1. But if you look at quarterback ratings, Alex Smith, at 104.1 is behind only Tom Brady and Aaron Rodgers as the number three QB in the country.

-

Gov. Jerry Brown signed legislation banning “Open-Carry” of unloaded handguns in California. On the SF Chronicle website there are a number of comments saying “Well, he just lost my vote.” Okay, but if anyone cares so much about carrying an unloaded gun in public, did we really think they were going to vote for Brown in the first place?

-

Game two of the ALCS between Detroit and Texas was cancelled in advance due to rain. Except it never rained. So who made the decision about this over-hyped storm – a “Dream Team” of weather forecaster.

-

“Joe the Plumber” is back and running for Congress. Anyone else wish that Andy Warhol’s 15 minutes was a lifetime cap in some cases?

-

Apparently Rick Perry’s campaign staff is trying to reduce his future speaking errors and bad performances by making the Governor get more sleep. Is that really likely to work? The modern president who was most consistently the “early to bed” type was George W. Bush.

Baseball’s second season.

October 1, 2011

After 162 games, the MLB playoffs finally started Friday for the eight teams who survived into the postseason. “Eight teams left?”, commented NBA and NHL fans. “So aren’t we in the second or third round by now.”

-

Apparently the weather was nice all day Friday in New York, but started pouring about 915p. Had the first Tigers-Yankees playoff game only been scheduled for a reasonable 715p instead of 845p for television, they could have gotten most of the game in before the storm hit.

-

Open note to SF Giants’ GM Brian Sabean and manager Bruce Bochy about playing all those “playoff experienced veterans” down the stretch. The Tampa Bay Rays’ Matt Moore made his second major league start EVER Friday, and his third total appearance.

-

And yeah, it’s early days yet. But someone apparently forgot to tell the Tampa Bay Rays they have no business being in the postseason.

-

Someone had to take the fall for the Red Sox, and it looks like it’s Terry Francona. Well, Grady Little lost his job for leaving Pedro Martinez in too long. Francona apparently left his whole starting lineup and rotation in too long.

-

As the MLB playoffs began Friday, many Tampa Bay Rays fans are still kicking themselves that they turned off the Wednesday’s last regular season game after the 7th inning. And many Boston Red Sox fans are kicking themselves that they didn’t.

-

Manny Ramirez was formally charged with domestic violence stemming from an arrest in September when he allegedly slapped his wife in the face. In Manny’s defense he is claiming it was “just that time of month.”

-

A hiker collapsed and died just before completing the Appalachian Trail. “What a shame it wasn’t my ex-husband when he was ‘hiking’”, thought Jenny Sanford.

-

Herman Cain was on “the Tonight Show with Jay Leno” Friday. A few quotes, Rick Perry is a “good governor”, Newt Gingrich is “brilliant” and Michele Bachmann is “very nice.” And Mitt Romney – “nice hair.” So much for Cain’s chances of getting Donald Trump’s endorsement.

-

Florida legislators ignored GOP rules and confirmed that they will hold the state’s presidential primary on Jan. 31, 2012. Well, Florida doesn’t have a record of smart political behavior. Rumor has it some legislators were pushing for Feb 31.

-

Bank of America just announced a $5 monthy debit card fee. And now their homepage and online banking service experienced serious problems all day Friday. Millions of Americans wonder if hackers were involved, and if so, how they can thank them.

-

Hard feelings? Just a little. Former Maryland coach Ralph Friedgen was fired last year just before the Terrapins’ bowl game. And Friday, Friedgen, who is a also Maryland alum, told a Baltimore radio station that he has burned his degree.

Responded more than a few SEC athletic directors “What’s a degree?”

“Severely Ethically Challenged” conference.

July 21, 2011

With LSU on probation  for a “major violation,” this now means every member of the SEC has been guilty of at least one such violation since 1990,  

Somehow, however, this probation  doesn’t extend to a postseason ban for the Tigers. (Who are one of the top schools in the NCAA as far as fans who will travel and buy tickets.)   Yeah, that’ll teach them.

-

In the “department of repetitious redundancy department”,  for what it’s worth , SEC conference is redundant, since it stands for Southeastern Conference.”  If anyone cares.)

-

SEC commissioner Mike Slive said that college sports need major reform. Really? The head of the SEC?  Isn’t that like Newt Gingrich talking about defending family values?  Or Bill Clinton signing the Defense of Marriage Act?   Or Bristol Palin promoting abstinence…? 

Oops, never mind.

-.

-

‘During an internal cross-check, the California Department of Motor Vehicles reported they may have sent almost 60,000 of their more than 2 million disabled parking placards to dead people. Or as a DMV spokesman said in their defense, “people who are really really really disabled.”

-

Not saying Americans are out of touch, but wonder how many of them think the “debt ceiling” is the roof on a crematorium.

-

Maybe we could get Americans on both sides to pay attention to the whole proceedings if we turned them into a reality show. (Start referring to congressional conferences as “Group Dates?”  And tune in next week to see which budget compromises get a rose?)

-

“‘The full consequences of a default or even the serious prospect of a default by the United States are impossible to predict and awesome to contemplate. The nation can ill afford to allow such a result.” -California Senator Barbara Boxer today, quoting that noted liberal President Ronald Reagan.
-

From Bill Littlejohn:  “Michael Vick appeared before Congress on Tuesday to denounce dogfighting—and as soon as he was through referring to Republicans and Democrats arguing over the debt ceiling, he talked about pit bulls”
 

A joint joke with the very funny Paul Seaburn:

“It’s hot in Minnesota, but Michelle Bachmann says she will not be incapacitated by ice cream headaches.”

Of course, you do need to have a brain to freeze.

-

Michelle Bachmann herself said of the migraine issue. “I have prescription medication that I take whenever symptoms arise, and they keep the migraines under control.”

(And the unwritten subtext – “but of course, I still plan to repeal Obamacare and make medical care even more of a free market commodity. And  well,, most of you poor folks who can’t afford the medications aren’t doing anything important enough with your time that being incapacitated for a while would matter.)

-

A woman was arrested near Portland for trying to sell her newborn baby? What kind of monster tries to sell a baby? A teenager, well, okay, that makes some sense.

-

The Institute of Medicine, an independent nonprofit organization, issued a report that said birth control should be able at no cost to patients under the health care reform law. It would save unwanted pregancies and money. Just wondering, why doesn’t just one of these anti-welfare, anti-abortion conservatives come forward and agree with this?

The buck stops….?

July 20, 2011

“The buck stops anywhere but here” award today goes to Rupert Murdoch. Asked by a member of a parliamentary committtee “Do you accept that ultimately you are responsible for this whole fiasco?” Murdoch simply responded: “No.”

-

Potentially scary questions about Murdoch media enterprises in the U.S. Do they have higher ethical standards than their compatriots in the U.K? Or have they just not been caught yet?

-

A Northern California man who started a fire by smoking meth with a blowtorch near a container of gunpowder has been sentenced to 45 days in jail. Although he missed out on the prize he richly deserved – a Darwin award.

-

The latest Michele Bachmann headlines are about her possibly incapacitating migraines. And Bachmann has responded “I have prescribed medication that I take whenever symptoms arise and they keep the migraines under control.” Just one more addition to the list of those who benefit from good healthcare, and still want to deny it to many Americans.

Adds Alex Schubert: “Considering her public speaking ability, she should share some of her migraine medication.”

-

Michael Vick is now working with three members of congressmen to support an anti-dogfighting bill. Well, it’s no stranger (and will do a lot more good) than many divorced and/or unfaithful politicians supporting the Defense of Marriage Act.

-

The Federal Aviation Administration is investigating a Colorado air traffic controller for allegedly working while intoxicated. In the controller’s defense, he said he was studying for his pilot’s license.

-

Delta Airlines has indicated plans to pull out of 15 small towns if they don’t get increased federal subsidies. Six of those cities are in Minnesota, and Delta is the only carrier serving them. Will someone please ask Michele Bachmann and Tim Pawlenty to confirm their anti-goverment spending stance on this one?

-

Seattle Mariners fans were shocked tonight when their team, who would have to go on a offensive tear to make it up to “light-hitting,” actually scored five runs in the first two innings.

Then reality set in and the Mariners didn’t score again and lost 6-5 in 14 innings.

-

And okay creative readers,  who wants to guess what Brian Wilson will wear next week for the San Francisco Giants’ visit to the White House?

“I’ll play from either side.”

June 3, 2011

A judge in Seattle ruled today that a gay softball league can indeed limit the number of heterosexual players per team. Three men claimed their team’s 2nd place finish in the Gay Softball World Series was nullified because they are bisexual, not gay, and thus their team exceeded the limit of two non-gay players. Whatever happened to baseball’s great tradition of switch hitters?

-

Scott Cousins, who injured Buster Posey in that home plate collision, has been roundly criticized in San Francisco, and has apparently received some death threats. Not sure what Cousins can do to make it to up to Giants fans. Except maybe to go to AAA and run into Barry Zito during a rehab assignment.

-

Vancouver Canucks forward Alex Burrows will apparently not be suspended for allegedly deliberately biting Boston Bruins Patrice Bergeron’s left index finger in Game 1 of the Stanley Cup finals. “Hey, a man’s got to eat,” commented Mike Tyson.

-

In Independence, Missouri, basically a suburb of Kansas City,  police responding to an alligator sighting in a suburban Kansas City pond took two shots at the creature’s head.  And then upon cautiously approaching realized it was a concrete fake.   

That’s it, these guys are permanently banned from Disney’s “Jungle Cruise.”

-

Weiner dog department:  Whatever the truth with Anthony Weiner and his tweet or nontweet, Weiner is violating the cardinal rule of publicly dealing with potentially embarrassing situations. Namely, make a statement, and then STFU about it.

-

Steve Spurrier and other coaches came up with a proposal to give 70 players a $300 stipend every game.  The proposal, whereby coaches would chip in to pay the stars, was signed by Spurrier, Alabama’s Nick Saban, Florida’s Will Muschamp, LSU’s Les Miles, Mississippi’s Houston Nutt, Mississippi State’s Dan Mullen and Tennessee’s Derek Dooley.

There are many reasons why the proposal might not be feasible – for starters, for many SEC players $300 a game would be a pay cut.

-

I actually have a little sympathy for Mitt Romney, who at least has a substantive background, running for the GOP nomination. Since there is an actual chance he could lose to Sarah Palin. Wouldn’t that be like losing on Jeopardy to Snooki?

-

Sarah Palin, channeling Lucy Van Pelt (“If you can’t be right, be wrong at the top of your voice.”, today in Boston about Paul Revere: Saying he had ridden to warn that the British were coming so that “we were going to be secure and free, and we were going to be armed.’’ Uh, Sarah, amongst other things, Paul rode in 1775, the Bill of Rights wasn’t proposed until 1789.

Student-athletes and other jokes.

May 26, 2011

 The NCAA banned three teams from postseason football  -   Idaho State, Southern and Jackson State, because of subpar APR (Academic Progress Rates) for their student athletes.   Apparently to remain eligible teams must meet certain academic standards, or belong to the SEC.

-

-

Although the NHL Thrashers sale and move to Winnipeg is not yet a done deal, apparently Atlanta mayor Kasim Reed believes that the move is inevitable. When local sports fans were asked how they felt about losing their hockey team, the number one response was “We have a hockey team?”

-

After the season, Shawn Marion of the Dallas Mavericks said he will shoot a reality TV pilot about the women he dates called “The Ladies of My Life.” Good thing Wilt Chamberlain never tried that, the series would have had to run longer than Bonanza.

-

John Edwards may be indicted for using campaign funds to help subsidize and cover up his relationship with baby mama Rielle Hunter. Well, Schwarzenegger did tell us his being independently wealthy would be an asset if he were elected Governor.

-

And another thought re Arnold, a lot of athletes actually probably felt some relief at this story.   I guess getting two women pregnant at the same time does indicate that steroid use may not cause permanent damage. 

-

President Obama received mostly good reviews on his speech today to the British Parliament. Mostly because the Brits were just thrilled to know that it was still possible to have a U.S. President who could speak English.

-

Mike Brown has agreed to be the Lakers’ new head coach. In preparation for the job, maybe the best training might be watching a DVD of “Kindergarten Cop.”

-

Whatever Tate Forcier is majoring in, I think we can surmise it’s not geography.

The former Michigan QB and San Diego native has changed his mind about transferring to Miami: “It’s completely on the other side of the country. It would have been fun. But I just wanted to be closer so my parents can afford to come to the games.” So now Forcier’s looking into USC, San Diego State, Montana, Kansas State and… Auburn?!

-

A footnote or two for tonight’s extra inning game in Philadelphia.  (19 innings)

Wilson Valdez -now and forever tied for the best winning percentage and ERA in major league pitching history.

How long was this game?  It started in late spring and by the end fans were just getting ready to boo Santa Claus.

-

I realize for some people that tuesday is the end of the world. For all of us who work standard day jobs, however, can I ask “So what was this Oprah show anyway”

-

Hard core San Jose Sharks fans still can’t believe the way that puck bounced off the stanchion last night. More casual Sharks fans are asking “What’s a stanchion?” And real bandwagon fans are asking “What’s a puck?”

-

And on a serious note, all best wishes for a speedy recovery to Buster Posey, a man who is not only a great catcher, he WAS a real student athlete-  Academic All-American at Florida State. (Yes, I know, the Harvard of the South.) But the guy is for real, also high school valedectorian.  

Shame there wasn’t a stanchion that the runner from third couldn’t have crashed into instead of Posey.

High strikes and misdemeanors.

November 20, 2009

Tim Lincecum won his second straight Cy Young award today. The person most unhappy about this? (No, not runner-up Chris Carpenter.) Michael Phelps. He’s now worried the IOC may classify marijuana as a performance enchancing drug.

-

Tim Lincecum wins the Cy Young award Thursday morning, and Ricky Williams scores three touchdowns Thursday night for Miami. It might have been the best day for stoners since they invented Doritos.

-
Although Lincecum only had 15 wins this year, voters apparently felt his statistics outweighed the results. Besides, he had two significant handicaps playing for San Francisco. First, the Giants’ anemic offense didn’t score him many runs. Second, he didn’t have the benefit of pitching against his own team.

-
(Actually, how bad was the Giants’ offense last year? They would have had to taken iron to be considered anemic.)

-

Vikings coach Brad Childress has been offered a contract extension through 2013. Which means he will only have to put up with Brett Favre retiring and unretiring another 2-3 times.

_
Senator Robert C Byrd, 92, is now the longest serving member of Congress ever, having first been sworn in on January 3, 1953. He has cast more than 18,000 votes. And at this point, he remembers at least a dozen of them.
-

Barbara Walters asked Sarah Palin was to rate President Obama’s performance on a scale of 1 to 10. And George W. Bush said, “1 to 10? Palin is right about the sexism, they always ask her the hard questions.”

-
Former Presidential candidate Mike Huckabee has been saying that some of the criticism of Obama have been “unfair and even shameful.” (He was referring to things like GOP criticism of the President visiting Dover to pay respect to the coffins of returning soldiers, and the White House Halloween party for local children.) Huckabee added that while he is a conservative, he feels that “knee-jerk” criticism is counter-productive and prevents civil debate.

How weird is it that amongst leading Republicans, the creationist turns out to be one of those who seems most highly evolved?

-
USC Coach Pete Carroll will use his team’s bye week to do some recruiting. While there may be a few twins and multiple players from the same schools on his lists, it’s a pretty safe bet no one will ask him anywhere if he’s going to “go for two.”

-

The South African sports ministry has stated that gender tests on South African runner Caster Semenya will remain sealed and private. Yeah, that worked out so well with steroid testing in baseball.
-

Cincinnati quarterback Zach Collaros was caught trying to enter a bar with a fake ID before he turned 21 this year. He was sentenced to a first offender program, but has apparently been AWOL .

The judge warned Collaros that he will be jailed if he doesn’t start the program soon, and added “It’s not like blowing off a math class.” Said several SEC quarterbacks “What’s a math class?”


Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 202 other followers