Posted tagged ‘SEC jokes’

Midlife madness.

March 21, 2015

Biggest surprise for casual fans who usually only watch NBA finals but tune into ‪#‎Marchmadness‬: Many white men do play basketball.

Lots of empty seats at the UAB vs UCLA second round game in Louisville. Guess Iowa State and SMU fans tore up rather than sold their tickets

 

The SF Chronicle is reporting that the SF Giants, looking at a possible 2015 power drought, want to expand Barry Bonds’ presence with the team. Giants President Larry Baer “we’re trying to do something a little more than just coming down to spring training.” Hmm, like starting in left field?

Regarding this “party of stupid” thing, have to wonder what the Republicans think they are doing holding up the Loretta Lynch Attorney General nomination. Because until she is confirmed, that job belongs to that GOP “favorite” Eric Holder.

 

Okay, just guessing a tweet like this has never before been sent by an NFL player. From Baltimore Ravens OL John Urshel: “My paper, A Cascadic Multigrid Algorithm for Computing the Fiedler Vector…, has been published in the Journal of Computational Mathematics.”

And in the SEC they’re thinking, “Big deal, we’ve also had a player or two major in foreign languages.”

Say it ain’t so. So season six of Downton Abbey will be its last. On the brighter side, at least we don’t have to deal with the horror of watching Lady Mary go through menopause.

A man was shot at New Orleans Airport yesterday after attacking TSA workers. No word on his name but can’t be a member of last year’s Saints defense – they couldn’t hurt anyone..

Richard White, the 63 year old Louisiana taxi driver who was shot while assaulting TSA workers at New Orleans Airport, has died. He also apparently was carrying a bag filled with a half-dozen gas-filled Molotov cocktails and a barbecue lighter. Not sure White’s motive, but FOX News’s reaction will no doubt be to criticize Obama for not condemning “radical Islam.”

 

Gwyneth Paltrow, in an interview with CNN Money this week. “I’m incredibly close to the common woman…. in that I’m a woman, and a mother”. Anyone but me have this evil urge to watch “Sliding Doors” again and have her tragically caught in those closing doors?”

Steve Nash, 41, is retiring. “So young?” asked Jamie Moyer.

 

From T.C.  “The Canadian Diving Team finished with 5 medals this week at the FINA Diving World Series in Dubai. Montreal Canadiens’ PK Subban, who was fined for his 3rd diving infraction last week by the NHL, was not part of the team in Dubai.”

(For non-Canadians and/or non-hockey fans… substitute Blake Griffin for PK Subban)

This picture might be worth 2,000 words.

January 2, 2015

As tweeted by Danny Nanell    “The SEC Programming Network tomorrow.”

 

sec

 

For the first time since 2005, there will be no ‪#‎SEC‬ team in the BCS National Championship. No punch line, I just like writing it.

 

 

Children in Africa tonight will be rejoicing over a shipment of brand new FSU vs. Alabama National Championship T-shirts.

 

 

Many Florida State players refused to shake hands with Oregon players after the Rose Bowl samples. Maybe they were worried about giving possible DNA samples?

Early in the 4th quarter,  ESPN said ‪#‎Oregon‬  was “executing.” Yep, execution was the right term. FSU was looking for a clemency call from the governor.. ‪#‎RoseBowl‬

Good thing ‪#‎FSU‬ didn’t bring their 2013 BCS championship crystal trophy to the ‪#‎RoseBowl‬. They probably would have dropped it. ‪#‎OREvsFSU‬

One Big Ten excuse in various Rose Bowls over the years is that Midwest teams have sometimes been distracted by a week in warm weather. Florida State might need to come up with a new one.

As Lee Slice pointed out, the national championship is now – – the Rose Bowl.  (Big 10 vs. Pac 10/12)

 

Like many, I had hard time deciding who to root against more? Nick Saban or Urban Meyer?    I think my son had it right, rooting for a 2nd half brawl that gets some players from the winning team suspended against Oregon.

(Of course, in retrospect, another reason to be happy about the OSU win, we know we won’t have to watch Alabama offensive coordinator Lane Kiffin on the sidelines.)

Lewis Rudolph, 95, a co-founder of Krispy Kreme, has died. So presume instead of being embalmed he will be glazed?

 

Undocumented immigrants can now get drivers licenses in California.  While there are some issues where good people can disagree as to whether this is a good or bad idea, there’s one absolutely good thing about it – undocumented immigrants can now also get car insurance in California.  #andnotliketheywerentgoingtodriveanyway

 

Mario Cuomo has died at the age of 82. When it came to whether or not to run for President his decision-making abilities rivaled those of Brett Favre. But a very smart man, and one of the best political speakers of our time: “The American people need no course in philosophy or political science or church history to know that God should not be made into a celestial party chairman.”

Let’s hope they don’t have to lower academic standards….

January 1, 2015

Looked last night like ‪#‎TCU‬ is just a little upset about being left out of the College Football playoff…

And Wisconsin, the team that lost 59 to 0 against Ohio State just beat Auburn. Tell me again about SEC supremacy?

 

Defensive coordinator Jim Haslett is out at Washington. During his 5-year tenure, the defense has finished a collective 29th in the NFL total yards and 30th in points per game. Talk about a job opening where there’s nowhere to go but up.

Gwyneth Paltrow, who “consciously uncoupled” from Chris Martin this year, now said in an interview “there are times when I think it would have been better if we had stayed married….” Two words for Gwyneth “nobody cares.”

Ndamukong Suh won his suspension appeal for twice stepping on Aaron Rodgers by saying his feet were cold and numb, and he couldn’t tell the difference between the QB’s feet and the ground.. So while he plans this week’s excuse has someone warned Suh that Dallas has a retractable roof?

 

Rex Ryan is apparently on the 49ers interview list as a possible new head coach. So Christmas may not be over for San Francisco area comedy writers.

Jed York doesn’t think the uncertain coaching situation all season with Jim Harbaugh was a distraction. So presume the reason that the 49ers are interviewing Rex Ryan is that York thinks the team might have performed better being distracted?

In the Southern California mountains over 150 people were rescued when a snowstorm caught them in their cars. And in the East Coast and Midwest that sound you hear is giggling.

Seattle DE Michael Bennett says that QB’s aren’t treated the same as other players. “If I get knocked to the ground, the referee just steps over me and says, ‘That’s part of the game.’ If Peyton Manning falls to the ground, the referee helps him get up. I thought everybody was equal, but that’s a lie.” And in related news, Bennett has just figured out that the Pope is Catholic?

UNC says they have fired a professor after a report found fake classes allowed over 3,000 athletes to inflate their GPS from 1993-2011. (She allegedly helped women’s basketball players enroll in the “courses”) Of course I am sure none of the other current faculty and athletic department had anything to do with this scandal. ‪#‎sarcasm‬

John McCain, who was censured by the Arizona GOP last year for being “insufficiently conservative” is apparently purging Tea Party opponents from state party offices. Every once in a while McCain reminds me of why I used to like him.

In Peachtree City, Georgia a woman is in critical condition and her police chief husband is on leave after he says he accidentally shot her twice. Bringing up the question again “How do you stop a good guy with a gun?”

(As my friend Jim Barach asked ?  “ccidentally” shot her twice? I guess he thought he missed with the first accident…”)

Chick-fil-A has reported a credit card breach at some of their restaurants. Okay, the sandwiches start at $3. Who uses a credit card at Chick-fil-A?

Three people were injured outside the Rose Bowl on New Year’s Eve when winds uprooted pop-up tents outside the stadium. And Stanford and USC fans alike could unite in thanking their teams for not putting them in that position.

Idina Menzel missed some high notes during her performance of “Let it Go” on Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve in Times Square last night. Of course the wind chill made it 15 degrees. Who knew “Frozen” would turn out to be a documentary?

 

#‎RoseBowl‬ viewers who have never watched Oregon play before have to wonder, where do the ‪#‎Ducks‬ plug in their uniforms?

And then there were more than four?

November 16, 2014

Best thing about only one SEC team in the top four of the college football rankings? Increases the chances of getting the playoff from 4 to 8 games sooner rather than later.

Although with all these upsets and near upsets, have to wonder, is college football trying to match the NFL for parity?

 

Original mantra from naysayers on climate change. “Well, China isn’t involved anyway, so what difference does it make?” New mantra “Well, it’s not like you could trust the Chinese anyway.”

 

Sad to say, but in the US more people are dying from frat parties than Ebola

 

The Charlotte Hornets’ Lance Stephenson drew a foul by hitting himself in the fact and flopping. Let’s hope Chris Paul and Blake Griffin didn’t see it.

#21 Duke was upset by Virginia Tech today 17-16, despite the Blue Devils’ having had several late scoring opportunities. So is Duke really trying to be the “Stanford of the East?”

 

Meanwhile Bruce Jenkins of the SF Chronicle on the Stanford-Utah game “Apathy met irrelevance at Stanford Stadium on Saturday, and by the finish, it didn’t seem to matter whether Utah or the Cardinal prevailed.” Yeah, just about sums it up.

So much for all those worries about Stanford coach David Shaw leaving for the NFL.

The Marlins signed Giancarlo Stanton to a 13 year $325 million contract. Presumably the idea is to win another World Series and then trade him and his contract to the Yankees?

Jose Canseco tweeted that he was playing in a poker tournament and “and something crazy happened to my finger that I shot off and they put back on….”  Apparently it fell off.   As Alex Kaseberg said “Talk about a bad hand.”

California’s Santa Clara County has only a few more thousand ballots to count, and they hope to be done by the weekend. Almost two weeks after the election. Ah, it’s good to live in the birthplace of the high tech industry.

 

From T.C.  “The world’s top ranked badminton player has failed a doping test. Badminton World Federation officials finally had to confront him when his serves reached speeds of 400 mph.”

T.C  also passes this on, “Heard on the radio, Charles Barkley can chow down now after saying he wouldn’t eat another meal until the Lakers won. I bet he wouldn’t dare try that with the Oakland Raiders.”

Learning experiences.

November 9, 2014

Former Tarheels football player Mike McAdoo is suing UNC, claiming they had promised to give him a “legitimate education” in return for playing sports. Responded SEC players, what’s a “legitimate education?”

 

Lee Chong Wei,, the world’s top-ranked badminton player, has apparently failed a doping test. Badminton? Who knew, the most honest sport might turn out to be pro wrestling.

A LivingSocial coupon offers half price LASIK. Is it just me or does surgery on your eyes at a major discount sound about as comforting as day-old sushi?

 

ABC has cancelled their new comedy “Selfie.” ABC had a new comedy named “Selfie?”

Ohio State now feels they should have a chance for the college football playoff after knocking off Michigan State. Well, if so, the Buckeyes are a unanimous pick for the team everyone else wants to play in the first round.

Seismologists say the increasing intensity of earthquake swarm in Nevada has also increased the chance of a large quake occurring. And across the state people have one major question, how do we  parlay this into a football bet?

 

The New York Knicks are getting their fans excited this week. Mostly about the fact that Mets and Yankees spring training starts in approximately 3 months.

Well, at least after this week ‪#‎NotreDame‬ fans won’t be losing sleep over what might have been if not for a controversial call. ‪#‎NDvsASU‬

Now that Auburn has lost, will the SEC push for an instant expansion of the BCS playoff games from 4 to 8 teams this year?

 

This just in. Utah announces all football players will be required to complete enough math classes to count to 100.

 

It was really  a Rough week for with their goal line “fumble” & TD return.  But at least they can count on sympathy next week from the band?

After posting an Instagram pictures of him playing golf despite a back injury, Steve Nash wrote a letter to fans starting “I definitely don’t want to be a distraction.” And most Lakers fans are thinking, are you kidding, we need every distraction we can get?

 

 

From Bill Littlejohn: “First it was Nate Burleson who broke his arm while reaching for pizza as he drove. Now DeAngelo Hall has re-torn his Achilles whhile grabbing a slice of pizza from his kitchen. Looks like Nate may have started a Domino's effect.”

Buy the sea?

November 1, 2014

Jake Peavy bought a duck boat when the Red Sox won the World Series, and reportedly is buying a cable car after the Giants’ win. Peavy did tell a reporter afterwards that while he loves SF, he and Jon Lester would love to be on the same team and “who wouldn’t want to play in Chicago?” Maybe Peavy decided he has enough vehicles.

A cruise ship that was stuck when it ran aground Saturday in Norway managed to get free at high tide. Passengers were relieved. CNN was bitterly disappointed.

 

Royal Caribbean’s new cruise ship has a Bionic Bar, with two “bartenders” that are literally robots that mix drinks to order. Fun for passengers,maybe. But even more fun for the the cruise line, who can pocket the automatic 15% gratuities.

When Pac 12 ,Big 12, ACC, and Big 10 teams beat up on each other intra-conference, it is viewed as a sign of the conferences being weak without dominant teams. When SEC teams beat up on each other, it’s just another example of their superiority and strength of schedule…..

Texas A&M suspended QB Kenny Hill two games for “a violation of team rules and athletic department policies.” Wonder if that violation includes playing like crap for the past three games.

#‎Michigan‬ & ‪#‎Florida‬ both won today.. Hope this isn’t a sign of the apocalypse.

So did someone design those gray UCLA uniforms or did the blue and gold original colors just run in the laundry? ‪#‎UCLAVsAZ‬ ‪#‎ugly‬

Florida, in fact, upset #11, Georgia.  Bulldog fans are now furious ‪#‎FireMuschamp‬ movement didn’t succeed before today.

Pittsburgh missed a 26 yard FG that would have beaten Duke at the end of regulation. The shocking thing to casual football fans. It would have been an upset.

A new study indicates that chocolate may help people avoid memory loss as they age. Makes biological sense. Assume we’ve evolved not to forget eating really good chocolate.

 

Cal vs Oregon State  starting the 4th quarter Saturday about 1030p Pacific time. Forget the east coast, these games are too late for many WEST coast fans to stay awake.

 

The Lakers are 0-4.   Only good news for Los Angeles fans.  Unlike the Dodgers the team seems pretty sure not to be a disappointment in the playoffs.

 

 

From T.C.  “According to baseball analysts, Madison Bumgarner won the World Series for the San Francisco Giants single-handedly. ‘Good to know,’ said Kobe Bryant.”

Down to the wire

October 28, 2014

This just in.   ESPN experts predict winner of Wednesday’s SF Giants  KC Royals game will win the World Series.

SF Giants game 7 strategy?  Wear out KC Royals bats in game 6?

 

So ESPN wanted Derek Jeter to matter in the postseason. And who knows, the SF Giants, baseball’s most consistent unkillable cockroaches, may well win tomorrow. But home field advantage for this World Series was probably decided by Wainwright deciding to groove that farewell All-Star pitch….

Only fun San Francisco fans are having tonight with ‪#‎WorldSeries‬ so far is thinking how dismal the ratings must be for ‪#‎FOX‬ at this point in Game 6. .‪#‎SFGiants‬

Saddest story of this MLB postseason is of course Oscar Tavares. But his death apparently inspired two friends, Juan Perez and Yordano Ventura, to have the games of their lives. ‪#‎WorldSeries‬

Bus to hell time. TMZ is reporting that Jose Canseco blew his middle finger off his right hand while cleaning his handgun at home in Las Vegas. Well, not like he used it for fielding or anything.

Taking time out from the World Series, send good wishes to Gordie Howe. Mr. Hockey, who at 86 is apparently recovering from a “serious stroke.” He was a dominant player in his sport longer than almost anyone. Yes, including Derek Jeter.-

First NCAA playoff rankings out. 3 ‪#‎SEC‬ teams out of 4. Shocking to many. They expected 4 #SEC teams. ‪#‎Collegefootballplayoff‬

If NY & NJ really want to beat ‪#‎Ebola‬, forget quarantine. Have folks returning from Africa join  the #‎NYJets‬. None of them can catch anything.

Dunkin’ Donuts is introducing a croissant-donut. But the chain maintains it is NOT a “Cronut.” Why? Because their lawyers said so.

Sarah Palin “Those haters out there, they don’t understand that it invigorates me…. the more they’re pouring on the more I’m going to bug the crap out of them by being out there with a voice, with the message, hopefully running for office in the future, too.”  Palin “haters” and comedy writers alike heard the last part and are thinking, “Promise?”

At a Southern Baptist conference titled “The Gospel, Homosexuality and the Future of Marriage,” some speakers talked about being the voice of a moral minority because gay marriage is a “rejection of God’s law.” Wonder why some of these folks don’t also have conferences against heterosexual adultery and divorce?

 

The ‪#‎NBA‬ season started Tuesday night. The Philadelphia ‪#‎76ers‬ will be eliminated from playoff contention tomorrow.

Michael Jordan, majority owner of the Charlotte Hornets, says he is “dreaming” of a seventh NBA ring. Yep, “dreaming” is absolutely the correct word.

 

Dwight Howard said today “I didn’t leave L.A. because I was afraid of Kobe Bryant.” More like Dwight was afraid of not making the playoffs.

 

 

Meanwhile, Lakers rookie Julius Randle, the team’s #1 pick, broke his right tibia during an opening night loss. Meaning alas Randle will likely be as helpful to this year’s team as Steve Nash.

RG III might be ready to go back in as Washington’s quarterback for their next game as the team has a bye week coming up. And fans are now thinking, take a little more time to heal your ankle. A year or two to be safe.

Dolly Parton, on her support of gay rights: “But as far as the Christians, if people want to pass judgment, they’re already sinning. The sin of judging is just as bad as any other sin they might say somebody else is committing. I try to love everybody.” As Dolly has also said, “I know I’m not dumb, and I know I’m not blonde.”


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