Posted tagged ‘SEC jokes’

Down to the wire

October 28, 2014

This just in.   ESPN experts predict winner of Wednesday’s SF Giants  KC Royals game will win the World Series.

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SF Giants game 7 strategy?  Wear out KC Royals bats in game 6?

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So ESPN wanted Derek Jeter to matter in the postseason. And who knows, the SF Giants, baseball’s most consistent unkillable cockroaches, may well win tomorrow. But home field advantage for this World Series was probably decided by Wainwright deciding to groove that farewell All-Star pitch….

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Only fun San Francisco fans are having tonight with ‪#‎WorldSeries‬ so far is thinking how dismal the ratings must be for ‪#‎FOX‬ at this point in Game 6. .‪#‎SFGiants‬

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Saddest story of this MLB postseason is of course Oscar Tavares. But his death apparently inspired two friends, Juan Perez and Yordano Ventura, to have the games of their lives. ‪#‎WorldSeries‬

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Bus to hell time. TMZ is reporting that Jose Canseco blew his middle finger off his right hand while cleaning his handgun at home in Las Vegas. Well, not like he used it for fielding or anything.

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Taking time out from the World Series, send good wishes to Gordie Howe. Mr. Hockey, who at 86 is apparently recovering from a “serious stroke.” He was a dominant player in his sport longer than almost anyone. Yes, including Derek Jeter.-

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First NCAA playoff rankings out. 3 ‪#‎SEC‬ teams out of 4. Shocking to many. They expected 4 #SEC teams. ‪#‎Collegefootballplayoff‬

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If NY & NJ really want to beat ‪#‎Ebola‬, forget quarantine. Have folks returning from Africa join  the #‎NYJets‬. None of them can catch anything.

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Dunkin’ Donuts is introducing a croissant-donut. But the chain maintains it is NOT a “Cronut.” Why? Because their lawyers said so.

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Sarah Palin “Those haters out there, they don’t understand that it invigorates me…. the more they’re pouring on the more I’m going to bug the crap out of them by being out there with a voice, with the message, hopefully running for office in the future, too.”  Palin “haters” and comedy writers alike heard the last part and are thinking, “Promise?”

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At a Southern Baptist conference titled “The Gospel, Homosexuality and the Future of Marriage,” some speakers talked about being the voice of a moral minority because gay marriage is a “rejection of God’s law.” Wonder why some of these folks don’t also have conferences against heterosexual adultery and divorce?

 

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The ‪#‎NBA‬ season started Tuesday night. The Philadelphia ‪#‎76ers‬ will be eliminated from playoff contention tomorrow.

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Michael Jordan, majority owner of the Charlotte Hornets, says he is “dreaming” of a seventh NBA ring. Yep, “dreaming” is absolutely the correct word.

 

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Dwight Howard said today “I didn’t leave L.A. because I was afraid of Kobe Bryant.” More like Dwight was afraid of not making the playoffs.

 

 

Meanwhile, Lakers rookie Julius Randle, the team’s #1 pick, broke his right tibia during an opening night loss. Meaning alas Randle will likely be as helpful to this year’s team as Steve Nash.

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RG III might be ready to go back in as Washington’s quarterback for their next game as the team has a bye week coming up. And fans are now thinking, take a little more time to heal your ankle. A year or two to be safe.

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Dolly Parton, on her support of gay rights: “But as far as the Christians, if people want to pass judgment, they’re already sinning. The sin of judging is just as bad as any other sin they might say somebody else is committing. I try to love everybody.” As Dolly has also said, “I know I’m not dumb, and I know I’m not blonde.”

What’s in a name?

October 28, 2014

American Airlines cancelled a Los Angeles to London flight Sunday and passengers were kept onboard for hours when someone on board picked up a wi-fi hot sport named “Al-Quida Free Terror Nettwork.” Police said today that “no crime was committed.” Shouldn’t someone be charged with felony stupidity?

 

 

So as we approach game six of the ‪#‎WorldSeries‬, it makes so much sense that home field advantage was decided by a midsummer exhibition game where the only Royals and Giants involved were Salvador Perez and Hunter Pence, with one AB each, and Greg Holland who pitched one inning.

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Oops, country singer Aaron Lewis, who as Deadspin noted criticized Christina Aguilera’s version of the Star Spangled Banner (“I don’t understand how people that sing the national anthem can be so f— self-obsessed that they would try to change that f— song.”), forgot the words last night at A T& T Park, singing the second line as “What so proudly we hailed were so gallantly streaming.”

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And apologies to my Dodgers fan friends for this. But it was too funny to resist.

mound

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“Bachelor” Juan Pablo and his girlfriend Nikki have broken up. “I’m shocked,” said none of the three people who cared.

 

A recent CNN poll found that 53% disapprove of President Obama’s performance. Which puts him well ahead of Congress, which has an 85% disapproval rating.

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Some think Chris Christie’s tough guy style might be just what America needs against the Russians etc. But as of today it’s Nurse 1, Governor 0.

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The Crimson Tide Foundation, Alabama boosters, paid off Nick Saban’s $3.1 million home last year and are paying property taxes each year. Of course if the NONPROFIT foundation bought dinner for some players the kids would be suspended.

 

University of Florida coach Will Muschamp complained today. “Well, you’ve got to get home and explain to your 9-year-old why they’re chanting to fire your dad.” So guess Muschamp’s 9-year-old doesn’t watch the games?

 

 

NY Jets GM John Idzik said in rambling press conference he is not concerned about his job security. That’s it. Forget the team’s record, that statement alone says that Idzik is too dumb to be GM.

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Meanwhile, add Colt McCoy to a long list of QBs who appear to be better than Geno Smith.

 

 

 

#‎Cowboys‬ release ‪#‎MichaelSam‬ and promptly lose to ‪#‎Washington‬? Maybe God isn’t that upset with gays in the locker room? ‪#‎Rainbowkarma‬

 

Who says ‪#‎Dodgers‬ & ‪#‎SFGiants‬ fans can’t get along?. I think we all were thrilled tonight to see the ‪#‎Cowboys‬ lose.

 

So if we’re quarantining threats to the public, when can we start quarantining firearms owners who haven’t taken classes in gun safety?

 

 

So you think your parents messed you up. An unidentified person posted an Instagram photo this weekend of a small child wearing a Ray Rice costume and dragging a doll. The caption “Greatest costume ever.” The picture has been taken down.

The best of games, the worst of games.

October 19, 2014

And some people still think football players don’t need math skills. Tulane QB Nick Montana spiked the ball today near the end of the first half to stop the clock. On fourth down….. ‪#‎Oops‬

 

Texas A&M QB Kenny Hill has filed for the trademark Kenny Trill, “Trill” apparently being a new word meaning “true and real.” So after today’s 59-0 blowout by Alabama does that mean it’s “true” that A&M is “real”ly over-rated?

 

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Notre Dame game winning TD  against FSU  called back for offensive pass interference.  Guess the Fighting Irish couldn’t bring their own officiating crew from South Bend

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#‎WestVirginia‬ upsets Baylor. And the Mountaineers will be getting flower deliveries from every one-loss ‪#‎SEC‬ school. ‪#‎BAYvsWVU‬ .

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Oklahoma’s star senior kicker Michael Hunnicutt missed a potential game winning 19 yd field goal, after missing a 32 yd attempt earlier, and having a extra point blocked. If the Sooners end up playing Stanford in a bowl there won’t be enough Maalox in the country for fans of both teams during place kicks.

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Although be careful what you wish for. No doubt many Stanford football fans were hoping tonight’s game against ASU wouldn’t come down to a field goal attempt by Jordan Williamson..

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Blake Griffin said he is frustrated over continued hard fouls, and “probably” will start retaliating if they continue. Could result in a big jump in Clippers’ TV ratings….

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So its now harder to vote than to buy a gun in ‪#‎Texas‬.
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If seniors weren’t traditionally conservative voters have to figure Republicans would be trying to stop all this early voting in Florida. With the excuse that some percentage of these voters won’t still be alive on election day.

 

Interesting  ‪#‎FSUvsND‬ matchup, One QB coming off a year’s suspension, another looking like he deserves one.

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President Obama today on Ebola “This is a serious disease, but we can’t give in to hysteria or fear — because that only makes it harder to get people the accurate information they need. We have to be guided by the science.” Science? Really? That’s it. Now FOX News is really convinced the President isn’t a real American.

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Spectacular. According to Texas’s new Voter ID laws, a veteran’s ID or student ID will NOT be acceptable as identification, even with photos on them. A concealed handgun license IS acceptable. Can we just let them secede NOW?

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For all those who think baseball is boring, thanks to Dwight Perry for this from Vox.com – The breakdown of a Cincinnati-New England televised NFL game on Oct 6::

. Players standing around between plays: 35.5 percent
• Commercials: 24.5 percent
• Replays: 10.7 percent
• Coach shots: 4.9 percent
• Referee shots: 3.2 percent
• Halftime: 3.2 percent
• Sideline player shots: 2.2 percent
• On-screen promotions: 2 percent
• Other (crowd shots, cheerleaders): 5.5 percent

Actual football being played? 8.3 percent.

Cutting truth?

August 29, 2014

Joan Rivers is in a medically induced coma following cardiac arrest and at this point doctors aren’t sure if she will recover. If she doesn’t survive, however, at least they won’t need any additional embalming fluid.

 

5 cuts to go and Michael Sam is still on the #Rams roster. Of course, this would have been easier for Sam if he were drafted by a team with more arrests and suspensions.

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Hillary Clinton seems to be trying to distance herself from President Obama. Today she was saying “Don’t wear stupid suits.”

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With her first child due this fall, Chelsea Clinton has quit her reporter job. Many Americans are shocked. Chelsea Clinton had a reporter job?

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USC coach Steve Sarkisian indefinitely suspended Josh Shaw for lying, but today when asked if the star CB could be reinstated responded “”Potentially, sure. Potentially, sure.” As in potentially for the Sept 6. Stanford game?

 

The Indianapolis $tar reports that Colt$ owner Jim Ir$ay has reached a plea deal with his DUI and felony drug po$$e$$ion case. Now let’$ $ee what kind of deal Ir$ay can work out with NFL commi$$ioner Roger Goodell.

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The latest GOP attack in Louisiana is that Senator Mary Landrieu is apparently registered to vote at the New Orleans house where her parents live. Guess she have registered her address as a hotel like President George H.W. Bush, or a vacation home like Dick Cheney?

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Temple 37, Vanderbilt 7 last night? Vandy is actually part of the SEC. And looking like part of a plan where teams won’t have to go out of conference to schedule cupcakes.

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The NFL said they will not fine Ndamukong Suh for roughing Jacksonville QB Chad Henne last Friday. Guess they figure they’ll pull in enough money from Suh during the regular season.

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Tony Stewart will race again this weekend, and says that the “tragedy” of hitting Kevin Ward Jr. will “affect my life forever.” Well, it certainly affected Ward’s.

 

Ah the laws of unintended conseqences. The Satanic Temple just announced that based on the Supreme Court’s Hobby Lobby decision, their believers should be exempt from any state’s informed consent laws that require women considering abortions to read pro-life material.

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From Bill Littlejohn.  ” This year, Jacksonville Jaguars  season ticket holders get a half-price  concealed weapon permit deal.  I think we can all hope they don’t offer that deal to Raider fans.”

Puffs and magic.

August 19, 2014

Apparently after the Milwaukee Mile Indycar race the winner is awarded Cream Puffs and it often turns into a food fight. This year, the winner, WIll Power, had to have his ear irrigated after some of the smashed pastry ended up causing a blockage. It was the most unexpected sports drama involving a cream puff since Georgia Southern beat Florida.

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For Sports analyst John Lynch, talking about Alex Smith “The guy is up there with the Peyton Mannings, the Drew Brees … ” So has Lynch been on recent road trips to Colorado or Washington?
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Some national sport headlines about the SEC getting 8 teams in the pre-season AP top 25 football poll. But the conference was hoping for all 14.

(Mark Simon says, “Some of the conference’s top players heard the news and thought :Wow! That’s almost half!”)

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Former Senator Jim Jeffords, 80, has passed away. He was once considered one of the most liberal Republicans. A creature known to the younger generation as only slightly rarer than a flying pig.

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Apparently Burger King’s is phasing out “Satisfries” a healthier french fry option, which had 20% fewer calories and 25% less fat than regular fries. Guess Satisfries weren’t a hit with the people who go to Burger King for health food- both of them.
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#JohnnyManziel gave the finger to Washington bench tonight. Showing that his maturity on the field matches his maturity off of it. #Browns
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President Obama, on the situation in Ferguson. “We should seek understanding rather than holler at each other.” And if that works, can they send the recipe to Congress?

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Yahoo Sports says the #NYYankees have the hardest remaining schedule of any playoff contender. Something that the team and ESPN would like to change. Only six games against the Boston Red Sox…..

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Orlando investigators say they have broken up a major trafficking ring that had shipped over 500 pounds of marijuana this year from California to hotels near Sea World and Disney World, where the pot was then sent to stash houses for distribution. Sort of puts a new slant on the “Happiest Place on Earth.”

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Tigers pitcher Justin Verlander and his girlfriend supermodel Kate Upton are two of the latest to douse each other with ice water for the ALS #icebucketchallenge. Wonder how much money they could raised had Kate volunteered to wear a sheer white t-shirt?

Games People Play

April 28, 2014

The X Games Austin this June will now feature a “Call to Duty” tournament. What’s next, MLG (Major League Gaming) in the Olympics?

 

The “Kissing Congressman,” Vince McAllister, who campaigned on Christian values and was caught on tape with a staffer, says he will not seek re-election. Guess McAllister wants to spend more time lying to his family.

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The SEC, saying they want to improve strength of schedule, will start in 2016 to require that all football teams schedule at least one ACC, Big 12, Big 10 or Pac 12 team per season. That stampeding sound you hear is all the SEC AD’s rushing to call Cal.

 

A ESPN report citing Jim Nantz says that the Dallas Cowboys “will do whatever it takes” to get Johnny Manziel. Because there are still people outside of North Texas who don’t already hate the Cowboys?

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In South Korean, three people have been arrested on suspicion of destroying evidence connected to the ferry sinking. These people almost make the captain of Costa Concordia look decent by comparison.

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Paul Simon and his wife, Edie Brickell, have been arrested on disorderly conduct charges. What were they doing, burning that bridge over troubled water

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I’m not even a Warriors fan – root more for the Spurs. But well played Dubs fans, well played.

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Warriors coach Mark Jackson says that fans should boycott game 5 in Los Angeles as a response to the comments made by Clippers owner Donald Sterling. Fair enough, but why didn’t he also suggest fans boycott game 4 in Oakland?

Not sure in a community property state why Donald Sterling’s wife has stayed with him all these years, but now might be a good time to file for divorce. Especially if she can get an African-American judge.

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Yes, I believe in free speech. But even as big of an idiot as Donald Sterling should have known that with a woman you are basically buying, NOTHING is free.

 

If all these sponsors leaving the Clippers teach us anything it may be that the color that matters isn’t black or white, but green.

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If any other NBA owners have negative thoughts about minorities, including gays, probably not a good idea to share them in a conversation with your mistress.

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So has anyone asked the #DuckDynasty clan what they think of #DonaldSterling?

 

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Marc Ragovin wonders if “it’s time for Donald Sterling to take up cattle ranching?”

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#DonaldSterling may have saved the #Pacers from being the most embarrassing story of these NBA playoffs.

College prep?

March 7, 2014

In Atlanta, an investigation discovered that parents of 14 of the 58 players on the highly-ranked Grady High School football team had used faked addresses to enroll at the school. Sounds like the parents are preparing their sons well for the honorable world of college football….

(And maybe the parents all wanted their sons to play at SEC schools?)

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The Miami Marlins were reportedly upset that Boston sent a mostly minor-league lineup “organizational filler in Red Sox batting practice jerseys” to a spring training game today. “Organizational filler in jerseys.” Doesn’t that basically describe the 2013 Marlins? (Who won all of 62 games.)

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Class, nothing but class. All around. An Ohio woman, upset when she found out her husband was having an affair with a Walmart employee, went to that Walmart, and posted numerous photos throughout the store of them having sex , with the caption “Hide your Husbands.”

(and have to wonder, how many Walmart shoppers tried to buy the pictures?)

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Jon Stewart on the new GOP love affair with Putin because he’s a leader. “‘Makes a quick decision and everybody reacts.’ That’s not what you call a leader, that’s what you call a toddler.”

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The #Philadelphia76ers have lost 15 games in a row. This could affect their seeding in the NCAA tournament. #MarchMadness

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Adrian Peterson wants Minnesota to sign free agent QB Michael Vick. So will the media start secret polls to see if Viking players would be comfortable with a dog-killer in their locker room?

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Meanwhile, the Brooklyn Nets are 7-3 in their last 10 games.  And on a four game win streak.  Now Jason Collins isn’t playing that much….but if he’s affecting the locker room, a whole lot more teams will be wanting to sign gay players.

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The Miami Heat lost 111-87 to the San Antonio Spurs tonight, and LeBron James partly blamed his short-sleeve jersey for his 6-18 shooting night. Right then, if LeBron wasn’t bothered by his jersey and hit 100% of this shots, the Heat would have… tied?!

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Manny Ramirez has set up his own training camp near Miami, and hopes that some team gives him a call ”If it is God’s will, I could play in MLB this season.” It could happen, particularly if God loves comedy writers.

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In Georgia lawmakers are considering a bill that would allow guns in Atlanta’s Hartsfield-Jackson International Airport. Well, that’s one way to deal with overhead bin hogs.

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Tony Hawk apologized to fans who thought a viral video showing him flying on a hoverboard was real. (The pro-skateboarder was actually using a movie stunt harness.) What’s next? Hawk signing a contract to promote Amazon’s drone delivery?

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Entitlement karma in action in Los Altos, California.  Chevy Tahoe parked in a “compact car” space, unable to open driver’s side door due to a large Mercedes SUV parked right next to them, also in a “compact car” space….

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At Oscar Pistorius’s trial in South Africa, a defense witness said he found the track star crying over his girlfriend’s body and praying for her to live. A sign of innocence, or a sign that Pistorius had calmed down after shooting the young woman and was already regretting it?

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The Washington D.C. City Council Legislation voted last night to decriminalize marijuana. Could put a whole new meaning on bringing cases before the high court.

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From Marc Ragovin:  “Kiki Dee turned 67 on Thursday. That explains her new hit: “DOn’t Go Breaking My Hip.” (more…)


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