Posted tagged ‘Sandusky jokes’

Apologies to real douchebags

March 12, 2014

North Korea reported that Kim Jong Un was elected to the country’s highest legislative body with “unanimous approval of his district which had 100% turnout.” Well, 100% of now living voters, no doubt.

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Religious radio talk show host Kevin Swanson is  claiming that Disney’s movie “Frozen” is the work of the Devil and “indoctrinates” children to be gay, because it talks about the love between sisters. Florida? Arizona? Texas?   Nope, Swanson is from Colorado. But to those other states… it’s your move.

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Chelsea Clinton in a speech today said “I definitely taught my parents how to text.” And remembering Anthony Weiner, etc, most Americans are thinking, “Thank God you didn’t teach your dad until after he left the Oval Office.”

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Open note to Dodgers fans whining about Barry Bonds spending a week helping out in SF Giants training camp. How’s your hitting coach doing these days? #glasshouses

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Is #JuanPablo Spanish for “a**hole?” #TheBachelor

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At Oscar Pistorius’s trial a friend who said that the “Blade Runner” had a big love for weapons,’ also said he agreed to “take the rap with pleasure” after Pistorius’s gun went off in a restaurant. Depending how the judge rules, we just might have found a cellmate for Aaron Hernandez.

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George Zimmerman, telling an interviewer he doesn’t understand why people are still so upset with him. “But I’m willing to talk to everyone and try to answer their concerns or questions and help them realize there is no need to be angry.” #speechless

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Cruise lines for years have had “gentlemen hosts” who were willing to dance with single women on board. Now Crystal Cruise Lines is introducing female hosts for single men looking for dance partners. Both of them?

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Jerry Sandusky’s wife Dottie, in an interview with Matt Lauer: ‘I’m not a weak wife.” So does that means she’s delusional? Or evil?

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Adam Vinatieri, 41, has signed another two-year deal with the Colts. So will he be the first kicker to run onto the field with his left blinker on?

 

Another winter storm is expected to drop several inches to two feet of snow from Chicago to New England over the next couple days. Note to God, if you want to send a “hell freezing over” message, maybe better to be a little more specific.

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The 49ers have traded for Jonathan Martin. Makes some sense. Whatever you think of Jim Harbaugh, hard to imagine he suffers fools, or bullies.

 

 

From Bill Littlejohn: “49er Donte Whitner has signed with Cleveland.He should change his name to What?-ner”

Low-flying Jets.

December 8, 2012

Except for the Army-Navy game, there were no college matchups games this weekend. So fans of high-level amateur football will just have to wait for the Jets-Jaguars game on Sunday.

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NY coach Rex Ryan says Tim Tebow, who has been sidelined with broken ribs, may play this week as in practice he “did a lot more on the field than he had in previous weeks.” Well, looking at the Jets recently “doing a lot more on the field” on Sunday is setting the bar pretty low.

 

Yeah, the NBA season is pretty meaningless in many ways, but over one week into December how many people had the Golden State Warriors significantly ahead of the Los Angeles Lakers?

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Not a joke, Pizza Hut has actually responded to requests with a limited edition “Eau de Pizza Hut” perfume, which smells of baked pizza dough and herbs.  But it’s already sold out.  Bad news for women who REALLY want a scent a man can’t resist.

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Many Americans probably weren’t even aware that Friday was Pearl Harbor Day, I suppose we should be glad at least that no one was using it as an excuse for a sale.

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So the U.S. Supreme Court is going to hear a case on gay marriage. After the Court’s Citizens United ruling maybe it’s time for a new tactic – i.e. if people and corporations are legally equivalent, well, then, corporate mergers have always been gender-neutral….

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According to his lawyer, Jerry Sandusky is unhappy with his solitary confinement and wants a change, believing he would be safe in the prison’s general population. Okay by me!

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Florida socialite Jill Kelley, whose complaints about threatening emails from Paula Broadwell helped break the General Petraeus scandal, reportedly is shopping a tell-all book as “payback” for the “humiliation” she has suffered. “I’d be really excited to read that” said absolutely no one.

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A worker at a New Mexico Albertson’s found a handgun and ammunition packed in a carton of frozen ribs. According to police, the meat came from the Swift Packing Plant in Greeley, Colo, marked June 8, 2011. What’s scarier – , a gun with the ribs, or the fact the meat was packed a year and a half ago?

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South Carolina governor Nikki Haley is apparently not amused by a Twitter campaign pushing her to appoint Stephen Colbert as Senator to replace Jim DeMint. But seriously, looking at some of these unfunny clowns…could Colbert do any worse?

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Serious thought   -when is the NFL going to make “cars and drivers,” or at least taxis, mandatory for players? Heck, the cost for a season would be less than one fine for a late hit, or wearing a baseball cap.

Of mice and men who made mice look good….

July 13, 2012

Pretty scathing report out of Penn State. They didn’t even try to transfer Sandusky to a different parish.

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One of the more disgusting sidelights of this Penn State scandal: The university had no problem keeping Sandusky around and protecting Paterno etc.. But had the team had several seasons in a row without a bowl bid, PSU would have fired them all and changed the locks.

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A paraphrase of a great line in a novel – who is my first reader to get the reference? “You can go to the showers, Jerry. That was what evil was – – as easy at that! But afterwards you went on remembering…”

(Hint, only substituted words are “showers”, “Jerry”, and “evil”)

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All kidding aside the best single line to sum up the Penn State fiasco might be from an 18th century Irishman, Edmund Burke: “All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing.”

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Apparently in the UK, women trying to make their own fake Christian Louboutins, have caused sales of glossy red paint to soar. (Yes, I am aware this post is Greek to most men. Figured I’d write one for my women friends who don’t like sports and have said they have no idea what I am talking about sometimes.)

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Politicians will be barred from speaking at this year’s commemoration ceremony on the anniversary of the 2001 terror attacks, according to the National September 11 Memorial and Museum. Wonder how many people will tune in to see if Rudy Guiliani explodes.

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Mitt Romney hasn’t blamed President Obama yet for the U.S. Olympic team uniforms being made in China. Has he been too busy? Or does he remember that when he organized the 2002 games the uniforms were made by Roots? A company from Canada.

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Very un- PC department – but T.C., who dared me to post this, is Asian-Canadian:

The U.S Congress is fuming that the official US Olympic Uniforms were made in China.   Berets, blazers and pants could have been made by local textile industries who are struggling. Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, D-Nev said they should be put into a big pile and set on fire. No argument here – who wants to wear gear that says “United States of Amellica” and “Lalph Rauren”?

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Steven Tyler says he is leaving American Idol to go back to his music : “I strayed from my first love, Aerosmith, and I’m back — but instead of begging on my hands and knees, I got two fists in the air and I’m kicking the door open with my band.” Uh, at this point more like banging the door open with his walker.

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Kobe Bryant says this year’s USA Olympic basketball team could’ve beaten the 1992 Dream Team. Really? I’m not sure this year’s team can even beat  Spain.

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A D.C. motorcycle officer who was a White House escort has been reassigned to desk duties after he made a “bad joke” about shooting Michelle Obama with a picture of a gun on his cellphone. The Secret Service says now it was not a real threat. Good thing. But sounds like the guy is too stupid to be on the streets anyway.

TGIF – again?

July 6, 2012

The best thing about a July 4th week with two Mondays, is that it also has two Fridays.

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The Giants’ Aubrey Huff,  hitting .155 and  on the DL since June 13 with a sprained right knee, may have reinjured the knee during a rehab stint in San Jose. Wonder if Bruce Bochy sent someone to trip him?

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Mitt Romney raised about $100 million in June. Or as his billionaire backers call it – “pocket change.”

(Or as my friend Tony Alan Banks says – chump change?”)

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According to his brother, Alec Baldwin may indeed run for mayor of New York in 2014. Now that could mean a political debate worth watching – wonder how many rounds it might go?

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An alleged childhood abuse victim who admitted he punched the 67 year old Catholic priest who he said raped him, was found “not guilty” of felony assault and elder abuse. If convicted, prosecuters would have moved that he be placed in a cell with Jerry Sandusky.

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Google announced they are phasing out their iGoogle customization service. Wonder if Apple threatened them with an iLawsuit?

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Freddy Sanchez has had back surgery. Certainly ending any hopes of playing this season, and probably ending his career as a San Francisco Giant. “I’m shocked,” said absolutely no one.

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Bud Selig said that because attendance is up for MLB, there’s no need for instant replay. Uh, Bud, if baseball teams had a bench-clearing brawl per game attendance would probably go up further. Should we start encouraging those?

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Kansas City hasn’t been back to the playoffs since they won the 1985 World Series. This year, the city hosts the All-Star game, and ESPN has been interviewing frustrated Royals fans. Who are saying things like “Every year, they say this is going to be the year. And every year, this is not the case.” “Oh, STFU” responded Cubs fans.

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David Ortiz is still bitter about his contract with the Boston Red Sox, saying the teams’s offer of arbitration and resulting 1 year $14.5 million deal were “humiliating” and “embarrassing.” Really? $14.5 million?! Even Mitt Romney is calling Big Papi out of touch.

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Kobe Bryant wooed Steve Nash to Phoenix, LeBron James and Chris Paul are both working on Ray Allen. This isn’t an offseason, it’s the NBA version of “The Bachelor.”

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Due to a “computer malfuction,” San Diego’s fireworks show last night lasted all 15 seconds. The men behind it immediately apologized – “That’s never happened to us before.”

(or as Michael Duca says “pyromature …..”

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Ann Romney says her husband is looking at women as potential running mates. I think I speak for many Americans when I say, why not Sarah Palin again? (Of course, those Americans are all either Democrats or comedy writers.)

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Alas poor George,

June 25, 2012

“Lonesome George,” the last Galapagos tortoise of his subspecies, died last weekend at the approximate age of 100. Or as Larry King said, “So young.”

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Some lawyers think Jerry Sandusky has grounds for an inadequate counsel appeal after his attorney Joe Amendola said he’d “die of a heart attack” if his client were acquitted of all charges. Uh, “inadequate counsel,” or being so guilty even your lawyer knows it?

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But really,  even if Sandusky’s case is overturned on appeal, who’s the former coach going to find to represent him.  Even John Edwards is thinking “This guy is a sleazy douchebag.”

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From Gary M.  ” Sandusky is hoping to be assigned to a minimum security seminary.”

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Many Americans on both sides of the aisle are anxiously awaiting the Supreme Court ruling on Obamacare. Got to love it, such a major decision on our nation’s healthcare will be made by nine men and women with jobs, and benefits, for life.

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Mitt Romney is spending the weekend in Park City at his “Victory Leadership Retreat” for donors who have contributed at least $50,000 to the campaign. Privately Mitt refers to this as his middle-class outreach program.

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Random midnight thought: If Kindles and other E-readers take over from paper volumes, what happens to book signings?

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A 6,000-acre fire south of Salt Lake City was believed to have started at a target-shooting range. The NRA immediately put out a statement: Guns don’t start fires, people start fires.

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Walking into Home Depot gives me an idea of how men must feel walking into a Sephora.

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Rick Perry, on Obama’s first use of executive privilege: “You have a president who is using his executive privilege to keep information from Congress. If that’s not Nixonian, then I don’t know what is.” Uh, where was the Texas governor when George W. Bush was invoking his executive privilege… six times?

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Jeopardy’s Alex Trebek is expected to make a full recovery after a mild heart attack. This fortunately despite a slight delay when the 911 operator asked him to phrase his request in the form of a question.

The NBA season is over.

June 22, 2012

As the Heat won the championship.  The 2012-13 preseason starts Friday.

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Back briefly to football….

Ryan Leaf said at his sentencing “I’m lazy, selfish and dishonest.” Was he talking about why he should be sent to prison, or announcing a future run for Congress?

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Lebron James, 27, said of winning his first NBA championship “It’s about damn time.” And Jason Kidd, 39, who won his first with Dallas last year, responded “Kid, get off my damn court.”

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You could tell the Miami Heat felt they had the game and the series well in hand – they put in a white guy.

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And there were signs that it was clearly Miami’s day to grab the headlines.   Even starting this morning across the country as the temperature hit 100 degrees in places, people were saying.  “I just can’t stand the Heat.”

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David Ortiz said of Boston “It’s starting to become the s—hole that it used to be,” and complained that there’s too much media-driven drama. Well that ought to quiet things down….

 

 

According to EW, American Idol season 11 runner-up Jessica Sanchez, 16, will appear in several episodes of the upcoming season of Glee. Wow. An actual teenager on the high-school show.

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A Texas grand jury declined to press charges against a father who killed a man he found molesting his 5 year old daughter. Offers are also pouring for the guy to have an all-expense paid trip to State College, PA.

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Just when you thought it couldn’t get any grosser. Jerry Sandusky’s adopted son, Matt Sandusky, said through his lawyer today that he finally told prosecutors this week that his adoptive father molested him too….. This guy gives douchebags a bad name.

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An East Coast man is being treated this morning for a bullet wound to the penis. Unfortunately, it isn’t Jerry Sandusky.

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Tampa Bay Rays reliever Joel Peralta has been suspended eight games for having a foreign substance found on his glove. “Amateur,” sniffed Gaylord Perry.

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Twitter was offline for an hour Thursday morning. The horror. Millions of Americans were actually forced to resort to updating their Facebook pages. (Or even worse, actually work.)

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Kris Humphries is now reportedly claiming that Kris Jenner told her daughter Kim Kardashian’s to make her sex tape. Oh come on, what kind of a publicity hungry monster mom would you have to be to….oops, never mind.

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Two prosecutors in Illinois have refused to defend the state’s gay marriage ban. So where’s the applause from small-government types for their decision not to waste taxpayer dollars?

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Jon Gosselin, who wanted to shun the spotlight and fame, has now given an interview to People Magazine apologizing for behaving badly to his ex-wife Kate. Hmm, sounds like someone has decided he misses his “15 minutes.”

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Despite Plaxico Burress’s professed interest in playing for the Carolina Panthers, a source reportedly told the Charlotte Observer that the team isn’t interested. But Burress is so talented, surely someone will take a shot at him?

All aboard.

June 20, 2012

Starting off on the bus to hell….

 

Jerry Sandusky’s wife testified in his defense today, saying boys regularly stayed over at their house and that her husband would regularly “go down and tell them goodnight.” Maybe she should have gotten a little suspicious when the bedtime reading he brought downstairs was “Caligula.”

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Another “Eww” moment for the morning: This line from Jerry Sandusky’s interview with Bob Costas was not aired, but may be used in prosecutors’ closing arguments: “And I didn’t go around seeking out every young person for sexual needs that I’ve helped” “Every?”

 

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More  “you can’t make this ‘stuff’ up.”    Bristol Palin, complaining to a friend after moving to Los Angeles:   “I have a ton of cameras on me and a ton of paparazzi. This is not fair. This is not fun.” This sad quote also captured on camera, during the filming of Bristol’s new reality tv show.

 

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Optimistic SF Giants fans may be thinking now that Barry Zito has apparently returned to form, maybe Tim Lincecum will return to HIS form.

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Texas Rangers announcer Dave Barnett will undergo a medical evaluation after giving a rambling description of a baseball game that included a mention of a runner being on “fifth base.” And a lot of Texas football fans heard this and said “And his problem was?”

 

 

 

Even Chris Webber watching Russell Westbrook make that stupid foul at the end of game three had to be thinking “Learn how to count, bro.”

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Generalissimo Francisco Franco is still dead. We are not sure about Hosni Mubarak.

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20-200 hindsight? John Boehner criticized Obama’s new immigration policy saying it will “make it much more difficult for us to work in a bipartisan way to get to a permanent solution.” on the Dream Act. But in April, Boehner said “We’re operating in a very hostile political environment. To deal with a very difficult issue like this, I think it would be difficult at best.”

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Alec Baldwin is facing allegations he punched a NY Daily News photographer yesterday morning. Well, and who saw that one coming? Next we’ll hear that Lindsay Lohan was in a car accident.

 

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Ohio State star Jared Sullinger apparently has been medically flagged by NBA doctors who worry about issues with his back. Wow. This is the kind of thing that normally would have come out only after he was drafted by the Golden State Warriors. -

 

A nude model who was arrested for posing in body-paint in Time Square is now suing the city claiming her civil rights were violated.  This might be the first case in recorded history where men fight to get into jury duty.

Congrats to Ann Romney for having a horse going to the Olympics to compete in dressage. But can you image the outcry from the GOP if the Obamas had a daughter competing in “elite” equestrian events?

 

It’s happened again – A woman was kicked off Southwest Airlines for showing too much cleavage. She ended up with an apology from the airline, and a lot of messages from men who wanted to know the number and date of her next flight.

(And back on the bus to hell note, Augie adds – “I always like to sit next to women with an abundance of cleavage for safety reasons. .. in case of an emergency water landing.”

 

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