Posted tagged ‘San Francisco jokes’

A sight to behold?

December 3, 2014

In England, George Clooney made an appearance on Downton Abbey for charity.

Women get it. To explain this concept to men, this is the equivalent of NFL football with naked cheerleaders.


Boston’s Mass General Hospital is treating a possible Ebola patient. But of course, this isn’t making major headlines – since the November election is over.


Go figure this targeted FB ad, from Walmart, suggesting that you “not miss a minute of the 49ers game” with Walmart grocery delivery. What do they target supposed Oakland fans with? “Come stand in line at our stores and you don’t have to watch the Raiders game.”?

#‎BlackFriday‬ sales were down, ‪#‎CyberMonday‬ sales weren’t up as much as expected. Uh, maybe because the ‪#‎smallbusinessSaturday‬ and ‪#‎GivingTuesday‬ and the extended everything sales have made Americans think they’d be idiots to buy early?

The NFL is not apologizing for the St. Louis Rams players who came out with their hands up before Sunday’s game. The league presumably is still deciding whether they need to apologize for the play of the Raiders.

The underachieving ‪#‎SF49ers‬ are playing the simply awful ‪#‎oaklandraiders‬ this Sunday. Can we dub this the Grumpy Bowl?

Michigan is apparently firing coach Brady Hoke after a 5-7 season. The Wolverines really now might be a particularly good fit for Jim Harbaugh. If the situation you’re coming into is bad enough, no one cares if you’re an a**hole.

After security lines at Chicago’s Midway Airport stretched over a mile Sunday morning, TSA now said they made a mistake. They opened checkpoints at 4:00am, but due to the holiday, ticket counters had opened at 3:30am. Sort of makes you feel real warm and fuzzy about their ability to catch bad guys.

Veteran MLB umpire Dale Scott just revealed that he is gay and married to his partner of 28 years. Who knew, an ump turns out to be braver than the players.

NY Jets WR Eric Decker’s wife Jessie says her husband has been “depressed about the team’s season. And season ticket holders are thinking “HE’S depressed? We’re the ones paying to watch this sh*t.”

Rain has hit the San Francisco Bay Area so hard and fast that most networks have barely had time to have their reporters covering the drought over to “Stormwatch.”

Senator Rob Portman said yesterday he will not run for President in 2016. And most Americans said “Who?”

Rain, rain, don’t go away

February 6, 2014

California has been in the middle of one of the worst drought in history.   A SF Bay Area artist is claiming he made it finally rain here by putting acupuncture needles in the ground. What BS. My friend knows she made it rain by washing her car.

All kinds of online headlines and on air talk in the SF Bay Area about how the first real rain storm of the year is snarling the morning commute. And in the rest of the country they’re thinking “Oh STFU!”

Jay Leno bid farewell to the Tonight Show, saying it was “the greatest 22 years of my life.” “Not so fast”, think both Brett Favre and NBC executives who will be looking at Jimmy Fallon’s ratings.

The Pittsburgh Steelers’ Ryan Clark says that while he doesn’t smoke marijuana, many NFL players do. “A lot of it is stress relief. A lot of it is pain and medication. Guys feel like, ‘If I can do this, it keeps me away from maybe Vicodin….” So wonder how long until Roger Goodell responds… by fining Clark?

There have been a number of pedestrians struck by cars in San Francisco recently. Today a woman was taken to hospital luckily with only “non-life-threatening injuries” after a taxi hit her. And police said witnesses reported that the woman was jaywalking and looking at something in her hand at the time. Gosh, I wonder what that “something in her hand” could have been?”

Subway is removing “Azodiacarbonamide” from its breads, after a food blogger pointed out the chemical is commonly used to increase elasticity in things like yoga mats. Wonder what chemical Subway is replacing it with?

So when these Sochi games are over will Motel 6 start a new advertising campaign touting their plush rooms?

NBC has a Winter Olympics FB page which says “Share if you’re ready.” Guess the page won’t be shared by the city of Sochi.

So if the water in Sochi is brown and the snow is man-made, should all the Alpine competitors get typhoid shots before they head downhill? Just asking.

From T.C.  ” The NHL will be shut down for three weeks while the Winter Olympics are on. ‘The what?’, said millions of Americans?

G.I. Joe just turned 50. His joints still move but now inside Joe’s box is a free package of Celebrex.

In Virginia, it’s still a misdemeanor for “any unmarried person to voluntarily have sexual intercourse with any other person.” And a bill to repeal the statute just died in committee. Guess this explains why so many politicians live in D.C. proper or in Maryland.

A friend asked “If Romney is not running for office, and since he currently has no public position, why is he all over the airwaves?” I’m thinking, well he can put together a sentence better than Sarah Palin. #smallmercies

Why the South is different. “Garnet and Gold” spring intra-squad football games at Florida State routinely fill the stadium. And last week, the team had a ceremony to celebrate their national championship. Over 30,000 fans showed up.

And outside Doak Stadium,  at the sod cemetery, (no joke, where sod is brought back and buried from road wins), FSU held a  memorial service with three small pieces  of sod from the wins against Florida, against Duke in the ACC title game and the BCS championship game.  Each piece was in a small casket, on display with flowers that represented the team colors of the opponents that Florida State defeated

The ring’s the thing?

April 14, 2013

Nate Schierholtz got his World Series ring before the Giants-Cubs game today. The game was almost delayed when Wrigley stadium security had to X-ray this unknown and thus potentially dangerous object.

So someday will they make a movie like 42 about the first openly gay ballplayer. And will the prejudice seem as archaic?

A YouGov survey found that more Americans support universal background checks for guns than like apple pie and kittens. Of course, if President Obama came out with a resolution to honor apple pie and kittens, the GOP would filibuster it.

A Carnival cruise ship picked up 13 Cubans off a raft 40 miles from Key West, and after feeding them turned the refugees over to the U.S. Coast Guard. On the one hand, how disappointed the Cubans must have been to come so close. On the other hand, with Carnival being their taste of the U.S., maybe Cuba won’t seem so bad.


Terrebonne Parish, a small town in Louisiana wants to ban “sagging” or wearing pants below the waist and exposing their underwear.  While they’re at it, can they add a spandex codicil?

Tiger Woods was assessed a two-shot penalty in the Masters for breaking an arcane rule that could have resulted in disqualification. He remains in the tournament because of another arcane rule. You don’t disqualify Tiger Woods.

So not sure what the Masters people want now. If Tiger Woods comes back today many will say it’s another example of him overcoming adversity, others will say he should have been DQ’ed. The only sure winner? CBS #Ratings.

A New York heiress allegedly stabbed her life coach with a fork — just six months after she was arrested for choking her sobriety coach. Even Lindsay Lohan is thinking “this woman is out of control.”

A man was shot and killed this morning in a San Francisco Nob Hill apartment in what may have been a domestic dispute. These days in the city that prompts two reactions: 1. That’s horrible. 2. So, does this mean the apartment will become available?

California Speaker John Perez says at Democratic convention that the state of Ronald Reagan and Richard Nixon now has a Democratic majority. Of course to be fair Reagan and Nixon these days would be too liberal to be Republican.

From Bill Littlejohn:   JaMarcus Russell may be planning a comeback? The only possible bigger comeback would be if they found Atlantis.

Slip sliding away…

December 3, 2012

Sunday, the San Francisco Bay Area moaned about another day of rain.  And up in Seattle they are just giggling.

Duke vs. Cincinnati, Dec 27 in Charlotte. Supposedly in the “Belk Bowl.” But are we sure this isn’t a basketball tournament?

Kobe Bryant, after the Lakers’ latest loss to Orlando Sunday night: the team had “better make the adjustments they need.” or “I’ll kick everybody’s ass in this locker room if that doesn’t happen.” Hmm, maybe Kobe is angling for being the next coach after Mike D’Antoni?

Meanwhile, now playing in SF, quarterback controversy, act two…..

Watching Jim Harbaugh talking to the media reminds me of a cat toying with a room full of mice: The 49ers coach after today’s loss that there will be “no change” at quarterback but if there is a change, he would let everyone know….

Louisiana Tech (9-3), turned down an invitation to play in the AvoCare V100 Independence Bowl against the Univ. of Louisiana-Monroe.(8-4) Tough for Louisiana Tech players, but hey, what a nice break for some TBD .500 team that just missed the postseason.

A Sunday ad insert for “Bed, Bath and Beyond”  features “Waiting for Santa” pet pajamas, along with “one size fits all” antlers. The ad features a picture of a dressed up dog. Presumably because there isn’t enough liability insurance to have anyone risk trying to put that outfit on a cat.

Tim Tebow was declared “inactive” for Sunday’ss Jets-Cardinals matchup. And this was different from Rex Ryan’s usual game plan how? .

At the beginning of the year some said Tim Tebow wasn’t an NFL quarterback. Now we know Mark Sanchez isn’t either.

Northern Illinois is in the Orange Bowl? Hey, if they win will the Huskies get an invitation to join the SEC?


And back to politics:  Just wondering why since John Boehner is all about spending cuts, he’s not suggesting any reduction in military spending? (From Wikipedia – The U.S. DOD about 19$ of the budget 28% of estimated tax revenues. Including non-DOD expenditures, military spending was approximately 28–38% of budgeted expenditures and 42–57% of estimated tax revenues.)


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