Posted tagged ‘Ryan Braun jokes’

Testing, one, two, three….

August 22, 2013

Ryan Braun issued a statement acknowledging that he took PED’s in 2011, the year he won the NL MVP. “I’m shocked,” said at this point absolutely nobody.

Re #RyanBraun‘s apology for using steroids. Think I’ll actually believe the first guy who apologizes for using #PEDS BEFORE he gets caught.

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Really? Apparently in regards to an HGH testing agreement, Congress is threatening to get involved because the NFL and the NFL Players Association have gotten so little done. Pot meet kettle. Kettle, pot.

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80 GOP members of Congress urged Boehner to trigger a government shutdown rather than fund the implementation of “Obamacare.” Since they feel this way, I do hope the members are also voluntarily cancelling their own expensive government funded healthcare.

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Some Roman tourists were charged $130 for four coffees with liqueurs at a Venice cafe. Upon hearing the news, Starbucks instructed their lawyers to look into the costs of liquor licenses.

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You can’t make this “stuff” up: On Family Feud the question was “Name a state that ends with the letter “A.”  One contestant’s response:  “Arkansas.”

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FOX is going to charge $4 million for 30-second Super Bowl ads. Wow. That kind of $$ for a pay-to-play ratio is almost on the level of Simon Cowell’s future child support.

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Not saying the 2013 SF Giants are playing like they’ve checked out, but they’ve just been voted the favorite team of the National Librarians Association.

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#AaronHernandez was expected to be indicted for murder today. Quick, time for the #Patriots to release another #Tebow story.

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This item passed along by Ryan Duca. Apparently when Nationals manager Davey Johnson showed for a Washington radio show. the story came up about Boston Red Sox catcher Mike Napoli’s apparently dating an “adult film actress”/porn star. Johnson’s reply: “Well none of my guys could, ’cause we can’t score.”

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Bradley Manning is now referring to himself as Chelsea, and wants to begin hormone therapy right away in prison. Given the way he feels about the U.S. Government, however, I assume he is looking for private donations to pay for it?

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David Ortiz told a reporter than he disapproved of Ryan Dempster throwing at Alex Rodriguez. I’m sure the fact that Big Papi was named in the Mitchell Report as allegedly testing positive for steroids in 2003 had nothing to do with it….

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From T.C.  “Tiger Woods, complaining of a sore neck and back, did not play the back nine of his pro-am Wednesday in New Jersey because he said his mistress, I mean mattress, at the hotel was too soft.”

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And okay, for a serious end to this post, we’ve heard enough about the young black/biracial thugs in Oklahoma. How about these two black women? You go girls.

http://www.cnn.com/2013/08/22/us/georgia-school-shooting-911-reunion/index.html?hpt=hp_t1

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Shuffling Jack Flash.

July 27, 2013

Sir Mick Jagger turned  70 on Friday.  Now he probably Can Always Get What he Wants… if he can remember what it is that he wanted..

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Mick Jagger, at 70, just completed another U.S.tour with the Rolling Stones. I think we can all be glad the band has kept relevant and profitable. Would hate to see them reduced to licensing “Start Me Up” for a Viagra commercial.

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Newly released home surveillance photos show Aaron Hernandez holding what appears to be a gun shortly after his friend was shot. The most shocking thing is not that the former Patriots TE might be a murderer, but that as stupid as he is, he hasn’t been arrested before.

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FedEx is firing an employee caught on camera throwing delivery boxes into her truck in Manhattan. Wonder what the woman’s defense was – that she always wanted to work for the airlines?

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A woman was asked to leave from Milwaukee’s Miller Park because she had modified the B and the N on the back of her Ryan Braun t-shirt to an F and a D.  Thinking if this gal has a contact who can mass produce them she’s got a serious money making opportunity.

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The University of Florida has given coach Will Muschamp a $250,000 raise, bringing his salary to $2.928 million a year. The real shocker… that makes him the SEVENTH highest-paid football coach in the SEC.

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Apparently Antony Weiner is still getting donations to stay in the NY mayoral race from people who are supporters of his wife, Huma. These donations, however, probably pale in comparison to those from comedy writers.

Be careful what you wish for. As the New England Patriots open training camp you figure Bill Belichick had to have thought at some point during the offseason “Please don’t have all the media questions be about Tim Tebow?”

ESPN headline “Lebron James passes Kobe Bryant as most popular.” This might be the only time that “Kobe Bryant” and “passes” appear in the same sentence.

News flash from England. Little Prince George is still born. ‪#‎RoyalBaby‬

A new study of over 200,000 subjects indicated that those who drink 2-4 cups of coffee a day are 50% less likely to commit suicide. And those who drink it in the morning are probably at least 50% less likely to murder their spouses or coworkers.

#‎SFGiants‬ doing it all lately. Not throwing the ball, not hitting the ball, not catching the ball….

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From Bill Littlejohn:   “To please his new wife, Michael Jordan allegedy wants to have his vasectomy reversed. He reportedly told the doctor, ‘Just Un-Do It’.

Shirley, you can’t be serious.

July 23, 2013

For any fans of the movie “Airplane”, Ryan Braun has now certainly done his part to keep that pamphlet thin. (In one scene a woman asks for light reading, and the flight attendant responds “How about this leaflet, “Famous Jewish Sports Legends?”)

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Matt Kemp, the runner-up for NL MVP in 2011, thinks Ryan Braun should be stripped of the award. Meaning either that Kemp is clean, or if he IS taking something, he thinks he’s smarter than Braun.

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Remember the days when A-Rod was going to be the “clean” guy who broke Bonds’ home run record? ‪#‎Seligfail‬

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Much hand wringing over the PED situation in baseball, especially by those who feel that artificial enhancement sets a bad example for children. Why, some parents are deciding to avoid games for a while and instead take the children to see movies featuring their favorite Hollywood stars.

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Taco Bell said they are discontinuing kid’s meals. What a bummer for all those parents driving around with children in the car at 2am because they couldn’t get a babysitter.

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Willie Mays – 660 home runs. A-Rod – 647 home runs. Wonder what kind of odds you could have gotten a few years ago that Mays would have kept his lifetime lead over Rodriguez?

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Eliot Spitzer’s first TV ad in his run for NY comptroller “Look – I failed. Big time.” Will his second ad be “But at least I’m not as big a flaming a**hole as Anthony Weiner?

 

Two from my friend Marc Ragovin:  “Now I know the Anthony Weiner scandal is serious:  Bud Selig just suspended him for the remainder of the campaign season.”   And   “More incidents of raunchy sexting by Anthony Weiner have surfaced.  Some pols are great at making a campaign a public forum.  Weiner is great at making it the Penthouse Forum.”

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From my friend Abbe Nelson “These grown men with their “Smart” phones do some really dumb shit with them.”

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The Florida state attorney’s office has dismissed charges against Gator LB linebacker Antonio Morrison, who was arrested last weekend after allegedly barking at a police dog and resisting arrest. Let me guess, the state attorney is not a FSU grad.

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A report is that Kris Jenner and Kim Kardashian “want to quit” reality television. Promise?

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Iowa Rep. Steve King, who famously said last year that he never heard of anyone getting pregnant from statutory rape or incest, today proved that he’s not just anti-woman. Speaking against the Dream Act “For everyone who’s a valedictorian there’s another 100 out there that weigh 130 pounds and they’ve got calves the size of cantaloupes because they’re hauling 75 pounds of marijuana across the desert. Those people would be legalized with the same act.”

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Despite a media frenzy, Kate and William managed to keep their baby’s birth a secret from the world for five hours. Not sure if they want a career change but whoever orchestrated that should be able to get big bucks from British or U.S. Intelligence.

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For all those reporters in London who thought they would be off baby watch… One of today’s breaking news items.. “A woman, possibly Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge’s stylist, flashed a pass that read “Palace Household” and was let inside.” Soon followed by “the car seat is in.”

Prince William today said “they’re still working on a name.” Uh, you and Kate had nine months and you only needed two choices…. ‪#‎Royalbaby‬

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Good Prince What’s His Name….

July 22, 2013

Congrats to Kate and William.   The heir down, the spare to go.

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The newly born prince may not be named for several days. Which means that he might be nameless longer than the lifespan of some celebrity marriages.

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From Simon McCoy of the BBC Monday morning outside St. Mary’s.hospital: “Well, plenty more to come from here of course. None of it news because that will come from Buckingham Palace. But that won’t stop us.”

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More from the great Simon  “Never have so many people been gathered in one place with nothing to say.”

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And here Parliament went to the trouble of changing that primogeniture rule for nothing.

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Headline that must have been written by a man. “After long labor, Kate and William welcome 8-lb., 6-oz. baby boy.” LONG? 10 hours? Many women are just snickering.

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Another nice thing about the ‪#‎royalbaby‬. I think we can all relax knowing he won’t be named Apple, Blanket or North.

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From Gary Bachman:  “The royal baby will be third in line to the throne–just like lunch hour at Taco Bell.”

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How happy is Major League Baseball today that Buster Posey finished well in front of Ryan Braun for the 2012 NL MVP?

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February 24, 2012. Ryan Braun “Today is for everybody who has ever been wrongly accused.” So what was July 22, 2013, for…?

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So, who’s next after Braun? A-Rod? And then who? Yep, as Bud Selig says, “this sport has never been cleaner.”

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What’s next for Ryan Braun himself? Training for the Tour de France?

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65 games for Ryan Braun, who knows how many for A-Rod? Wonder how many youngsters across America are learning from these suspensions, and turning from baseball to football.  (Where repeat offenders get the same stringent four  game suspension.)

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On the other hand, Ryan Braun has a $145.5 million contract with the Brewers through 2020. Milwaukee is 19 games out of first with 65 games left in the 2013 season, and he will lose $3.5 million for his plea-bargained suspension. Considering the overall numbers involved, sounds like a reasonable price for a vacation.

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Denver Broncos star linebacker Von Miller will apparently be suspended for four games for some NFL drug infraction. Good thing he didn’t do something really bad, like wear the wrong color socks.

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Ohio State has suspended top RB Carlos Hyde, after the Columbus Dispatch reported he was named “a person of interest in the investigation of an assault against a woman at a downtown Columbus bar.” The Buckeyes’ starting CB Bradley Roby apparently was also arrested in a separate incident. None of this, of course, is coach Urban Meyer’s fault.

(First a trail of arrested players at Florida, now at Ohio State, even Bud Selig is thinking that maybe Urban Meyer is in denial.)

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Got a little list?

February 7, 2013

As MLB continues its investigation of Anthony Bosch and his Florida “Biogenesis” clinic, many ballplayers have to long for a more innocent time. When the list they would have been most worried to find their name on, might have been belonged to an upscale brothel.

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And while people are starting their fantasy leagues, wonder who’ll start the pool for the first major league to be suspended in 2013. No doubt for a tainted supplement.

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So now that Ryan Braun’s name has surfaced in connection with that PED clinic in Florida, how long until the Brewers’ star appears on Oprah?

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Monopoly is getting rid of the iron token and replacing it with a cat token. Plan on the cat token always disappearing when you want to play with it, and then showing up in the way of other pieces right in the middle of the board.

(my son Carey Schwartz points out that the cat token will no doubt refuse to stop on Water Works.)

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Despite all the recent headllines Manti T’eo only fell from#6 to #12 on ESPN draft analyst Mel Kiper’s big board. And have to assume T’eo’s stock soared in fantasy football.

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From T.C.  “Manti Te’o says he’s going to take some time off Twitter. This is so he can spend more time on his Facebook Farm.”

 

The joys of a 74 yr. old governor with no aspirations for higher office and nothing to prove anymore: Jerry Brown, when asked about a $24,000 radio ad Rick Perry ran in Calif. promoting doing business in Texas: “Its not a serious story guys, It’s like a little radio ad and you guys run like lap dogs to report it. … It’s not a burp, it’s barely a fart.”

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The British House of Commons voted 400 to 175 to legalize gay marriage. So when they sing “God Save the Queen,” guess Elton John is included.

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Idaho State Sen. John Goedde has come up with a bill requiring students to read Ayn Rand’s “Atlas Shrugged” as a high school graduation requirement. Right. The book is 1088 pages. Wonder how many legislators have read it.

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There are reports that Kim Kardashian’s doctor believes her unborn baby could be at risk due to the stress of her divorce from Kris Humphries. Another sad result for society as a result of indiscriminately allowing heterosexual marriage.

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Well, spring training may be right around the corner but clearly Americans haven’t quite turned their full attention to baseball. Forbes released their list of the most disliked athletes, and A-Rod is only #6.

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Many Americans are upset about the Post Office’s decision to stop delivering mail on Saturdays. In fact, millions of them are posting on Facebook or Twitter about it.

 

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A couple thoughts about this “gays in the Boy Scouts” controversy. First, all the stories about teachers and students should remind people that sexual orientation is no guarantee against inappropriate relations or even conversations. Second, there have always been gays in the Boy Scouts, it’s just a question of whether or not they are open about it….

MVP’ED?

February 6, 2013

Have to figure a whole lot of voters feel even better today about that choice of Buster Posey for 2012 NL MVP:   Per Jeff Passan of Yahoo Sports “Ryan Braun’s name is in the records of the Florida clinic alleged to have distributed PED’s to a rash of baseball players, and MLB will investigate….

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Ryan Braun now admits he’s on client list of alleged PED specialist Anthony Bosch but says it’s only because his lawyers used Bosch as a consultant. Guess Braun prefers that to saying he’d gone to Bosch on behalf of his imaginary girlfriend?

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Dwight Howard was already on the bench, Metta World Peace was suspended and Pau Gasol injured his foot. Yet the Los Angeles Lakers beat the Brooklyn Nets 92-83 tonight. If Kobe Bryant gets hurt, maybe this team can win it all.

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The Oscar producers say that for this year’s telecast they’re trying to cut out the boring parts. So should we expect a half hour ceremony?

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This discovery of Richard III’s bones has re-ignited the discussion over whether the English monarch was a murderer. With all due respect, until about 1700 weren’t all of them?

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Donald Trump is suing Bill Maher for $5 million since Maher hasn’t paid off after saying he would write a check to charity if Trump could prove he’s not the son of an orangutan. In Bill’s defense, the Donald hasn’t yet shown a birth certificate for that furry thing that lives on his head.

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The New York Mets’ owners want to open a Vegas-style casino next to Citi Field. What? Hoping to see a good game after buying high-priced Mets tickets isn’t enough of a gamble?.

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A new study found that men who watched more than 20 hours a week of television had sperm counts that were 44 percent lower than those who seldom watched. “Really, honey, of course I want to put down the remote, but I’m trying to save us money on birth control.”

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LB Brandon Joiner, 23, who signed with Cincinnati in May, is finally officially now a Bengals rookie after serving an 8 month prison term for a 2007 robbery. Making him the first Bengals player to get his conviction out of the way before joining the team?

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So in light of the Richard III skeleton discovery should we rewrite Shakespeare’s line “My kingdom for someone who can validate my parking ticket?”

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For anyone going through NFL withdrawal who’s not a baseball fan, cheer up, we’re only about 75 days away from the first month of the NBA playoffs.

No sacrifice at all?

February 25, 2012

Unclear on the concept? Okay, I’m not Catholic. But Safeway is advertising “Savings for Lent.” Several kinds of fish. And also several kinds of wine….

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Manny Ramirez arrived at A’s training camp and said “I’m here because God brought me here.” And here we thought Manny wanted to be Barry Bonds. Maybe he just wanted to be Tim Tebow.

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Mitt Romney told a crowd today in Ohio that he had once played a prank at a wedding of painting “H-E-L-P” on the bottom of the groom’s shoes. Funny, that’s the same four letter sentiment some Republicans have with the current crop of candidates.

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Coach Pat Knight, son of Bobby, went on a widely shared over-the-top post game rant about his Lamar University players. Guess the apple didn’t get thrown far from the tree.

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Ryan Braun’s suspension was apparently overturned because the tester didn’t send in the urine vial immediately, but waited over the weekend. Guess “if the sample sits, you must acquit.”

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The rumors are that Ryan Braun may have gotten his suspension overturned because medication he was taking for an STD made him test positive. If true, some athletes will have a choice after future testing – save your career or save your marriage.

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Mitt Romney ripped Rick Santorum for his effort in the last debate to explain why he “voted against his principles.” Mitt promises that will never happen if he is elected. Of course it helps not HAVING principles.

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At Orlando’s Florida Mall, riot police had to be called in to deal with a mob waiting to buy a special All-Star Nike basketball shoe. Women who hear this story are appalled. A riot over basketball shoes? They don’t even have heels.

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While in Detroit, Mitt Romney – in his regular guy mode – said his wife Ann has “a couple of Cadillacs.” A couple of Cadillacs? Did she win one on a $10,000 bet?

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New Colts GM Ryan Grigson said Indianapolis still hasn’t decided whether or not to make Andrew Luck the #1 draft pick. Even Brett Favre is saying “Jeez,, make up your mind.”.

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Virginia Gov. Bob McDonnell, now said he didn’t realize the anti-abortion bill required transvaginal ultrasounds, saying “when you’re busy advocating your agenda, you don’t read every legislator’s bill.” Once again, I like “fell into the lifeboat” better.

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In a settlement between former Senator John Edwards and his former aide, a sex tape between Edwards and his mistress Rielle Hunter will be destroyed. Just as well. Even TMZ readers had responded to the thought of it with “Eww…”

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California Lt. Gov. Democrat Gavin Newsom just said it’s time to “get rid of” his position unless the Gov and Lt. Gov run as a single ticket and work as a team with shared power. Translation, Jerry Brown is thinking of running again and I’m bored.


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