Posted tagged ‘Rutgers jokes’

Screwed or not to be screwed?

May 30, 2013

It could have been a long day when….. you are about to try to to put a corkscrew into a nice bottle of wine….and realize it’s a screwtop.

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Not that it mattered in the end, open note to all morons: If you make enough money to afford seats in the front row for a baseball game, you should be smart enough to keep your hands OFF a ball that is in play. (Yes, I’m talking to you, idiot who might have cost the Giants a triple.

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Although after another rough night  -for SF Giants’ fans –  maybe the #SFGiants would let #OaklandAs move to San Jose.  If the A’s  agreed to scrap those regular inter-league games?

(Say, aren’t the Seattle Mariners looking for a rival?)

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The SEC voted today 13-1 to keep playing only 8 football conference games a year instead of 9. Which could cost them TV ratings, but hey, 9 games means one less game against teams like Kent State, Chattanooga, and the Little Sisters of the Poor.

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The bad news: Two U.S Embassy officials were shot in an altercation at a Caracus, Venezuela strip club. The good news: Their injuries are not life-threatening, and they aren’t Secret Service.

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Wouldn’t be shocked to see GOP call for a Congressional committee to look into the two Embassy employees shot and wounded in a Caracas strip club. But if they do, in the spirit of bipartisan cooperation, Bill Clinton has volunteered to head the investigation.

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Dear Gawd. Several Penn State trustees and former players, along with Joe Paterno’s family, are reportedly planning to sue the NCAA over the Sandusky sanctions. Only folks who may be happy about this are in Rutgers’ AD. Would take their mess right off the front page.)

 

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John McCain, after his sneak visit to Syria, says he is now more resolved that the U.S. must increase our involvement in their internal conflict. Leaving aside how well it usually turns out when we go into the Mid East, where is it written in the GOP handbook that deficits don’t count if they are incurred by the military?

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A woman turned in a loaded semi-automatic pistol found on a ride at Walt Disney World’s Animal Kingdom, and a Florida man was asked to leave the park when he tried to retrieve the gun, which he said had fallen from his pocket. The man said he had a concealed weapons permit and didn’t realize Disney did not allow firearms. Your move, Arizona.

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Usher, who discovered Justin Bieber at the age of 13, told Ellen this week that he hops the young man “will continue to mature” Shocking? Usher thinks Bieber has started to mature?

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Baseball-softball, along with wrestling and squash, made the final three as the IOC decides which single sport to reinstate in the 2020 Olympics. If baseball-softball doesn’t end up winning, however, fans of amateur baseball will still have the little league, college games and the Houston Astros.

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Michele Bachmann says she is not running for re-election. And somewhere Jon Stewart is weeping..

 

So now it looks like there’s actually a legitimate chance for the NBA finals to be Indianapolis-San Antonio. ESPN is ready… to talk about potential changes to the NFL schedule..

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Silver lining department from T.C.  NCAA just announced that Rutgers has won both the men’s and women’s awards — for dodgeball.

Danger, Danger, Will Robinson….

May 27, 2013

Arizona Diamondbacks pitcher Ian Kennedy missed his start today because he cut himself washing the dishes. And all over America, men are going “See, honey, I’d love to help clean up but for men that stuff is dangerous.”

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Sarah Palin attended the NBA playoff game in Indianapolis last night. Presumably to root for Miami. It might have been the only way for Palin to prove she could stand the Heat.

 

The Seattle Seahawks, with 5 players suspended since 2011 for PEDS, called a players only meeting today, reportedly “about not making the same mistakes over and over.” Taking the PEDS? Or getting caught?

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Apparently  Donald Trump has spent over $1 million exploring a potential presidential bid in 2016.   Say what?  The guy wants us to trust him with the U.S. budget, and this is his idea of a good use of money?

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Sergio Garcia says he hopes to meet up with Tiger Woods in person to apologize for his “fried chicken.” Many fans would prefer the two wait to meet up until “Celebrity Boxing.”

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Toronto Mayor Rob Ford said that the media is a ‘bunch of maggots’ for reporting allegations that there is a video of him smoking crack. Wow. What’s next for for Ford if he has to step down… running for Governor of Alaska?

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So the Royal Caribbean fire, 3 nights into a 7 day cruise, appears to have been rather quickly contained, the ship did not lose power, there were no injuries. Plus everyone on board is getting a refund and a certificate for another cruise. But the happiest folks without a doubt- everyone at Carnival Cruise Lines.

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Embattled Rutgers AD Julie Hermann said that university President Robert Barchi has assured her she will keep her job. Uh, but doesn’t that assume Barchi will keep his?

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Since Memorial Day is a good day to remember we are all Americans and in this together, in that spirit will post that Clayton Kershaw, who gave up 4 runs in yesterday’s loss, had not allowed more than 3 earned runs in his last 22 starts. Yes, he is a great pitcher, yes, he is a L.A. Dodger.    (Okay, I’m done now.)

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-A recent poll indicated 54% of Americans still oppose “Obamacare.” And let me guess, before the bill passed, about 99% of that 54% already had health insurance.

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Danica Patrick’s boyfriend Ricky Stenhouse Jr, caused her car and another to wreck in yesterday’s NASCAR race. Guessing there’s a moratorium on “women driver” jokes between them for a while.

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From Marc Ragovin  :Tampa Bay Rays’ pitcher Roberto Hernandez, who was formerly known as Fausto Carmona, got hit hard by the Yankees the other day and now has a 2-5 record and a 5.72 era.  Asked to comment, Rays’ manager Joe Madden said  ‘he’s just not pitching like himself these days.'”

 

 

So if anyone hadn’t eaten enough junk food this weekend, the Bachelorette started tonight: Junk food for the mind

Tear down those nets.

April 8, 2013

Stirring run by Louisville after Kevin Ware’s horrific injury. But as cutthroat as college basketball has become, have to wonder, is there a D1 coach out there thinking “Hmm, how do I draft a high school star with brittle bones?”

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Now that the NCAA men’s tournament is over, fans of high-level amateur basketball will just have to be content with a few more games from the Lakers.

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Wonder if Michigan coach John Beilein used magic markers on the hands of his players tonight to help them keep track of the number of remaining timeouts?

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Over-under on the number of Division 1 college teams burning practice videos this week?

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Dennis #Rodman was fired last night from #CelebrityApprentice.” Let’s hope no one tells his “friend for life” Kim Jong Un.

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In Tennessee, a 4-year-old who picked up a sheriff deputy’s gun at a family BBQ allegedly shot and killed the man’s wife. An Tennessee Bureau of Investigations spokesman said it appears accidental at this time.” Ya think?

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Metta World Peace said he will start Tuesday night for the Los Angeles Lakers, just 12 days after knee surgery. Well, it’s not like World Peace needs to save himself for the playoffs.

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Damn, Annette Funicello has died. She was 70. And millions of baby boomers suddenly feel very old.

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Just thinking, before Sesame Street, how many people remember “M-I-C (see you real soon) -K-E-Y (why, because we like you) M-O-U-S-E” as the first words they learned to spell?

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Thieves in Germany apparently stole 5.5 tons of Nutella chocolate-hazelnut spread from a truck last weekend. Wonder if this followed a marijuana heist nearby. Talk about a sticky situation.

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The NY Jets are forcing unhappy CB Darrell Revis to show up to “voluntary” workouts while they try to trade him. Meanwhile, QB Tim Tebow will voluntarily show up if he hasn’t been cut. New York sure doesn’t need Barnum and Bailey to have a circus in town.

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Monday was the home opener for the Chicago Cubs. Who made masochism fashionable a century before “Fifty Shades of Grey.”

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Former Sen. Rick Santorum said today that the GOP must stay opposed to gay marriage to avert political suicide. Santorum also maintained his support for changing the symbol of the Republican party from an elephant to a lemming.

(or as my friend Michael D. says, a passenger pigeon)

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Why even in the 21st century, grammar and punctuation still matter: #Nowthatchersdead set off a number of rumors today that Cher had died. (#Youhaventseenthelastofme)

 

-New Indians’ manager Terry Francona got lost Monday making the two-block walk from his Cleveland apartment to Progressive field for the home opener against the Yankees. Unfortunately for Francona, a team employee got him there in time to see the Indians lose 11-6.

(Francona may also be thinking, “that’s the last time I use a old beer-stained map from Josh Beckett.)

One or two touchdowns?

April 8, 2013

All these scores Sunday – NY wins 7-0,   Cleveland wins 13-0,   Boston wins 13-0,  St. Louis wins 14-3…. Did someone start the NFL preseason early and not tell me?

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Price – rocked, Strasburg – rocked, Hamels – rocked, Cain – rocked, Dickey – rocked, Verlander – , not great. So will today’s MLB headline be “Aces in the Hole?”

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Headline in Los Angeles Times – “Clippers sweep Lakers. Clinch division title.” Good thing the Tonight Show is moving to New York. This may have killed half their jokewriters.-

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My friend Darren reported  tonight “So the fans in Texas are chanting “Take a drink” @ Josh Hamilton”  Stay classy Texas fans, stay classy!!

Am afraid fans in Dallas are proving Hamilton’s point about it not being a baseball town. (Either that or they think they are in Philadelphia.)

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Barry Bonds is never at major SF Giants events like today’s ring ceremony, probably in part because the Giants don’t want reminders of the taint of cheating. So always a bit ironic to see Gaylord Perry. -

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Sen. John McCain doesn’t get the filibuster threat from other Republicans a bill for gun background checks. “I don’t understand it. The purpose of the United States Senate is to debate and to vote and to let the people know where we stand.” Sigh. If McCain really believes that is still the case, maybe he IS getting senile.

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Kathy  Griffin’s show was cancelled. Shocking! Kathy Griffin had a show?

 

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Dumb and dumber. Those leaked Rutgers tapes of Mike Rice in practice weren’t made surreptitiously, Rice himself had the practices filmed. (So much for that “always act like you know there’s a camera watching” theory of life.)

 

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A New York City councilwoman wants to make it a crime to buy fake designer purses. Forget the soda ban, this is the law that could get women banded together in serious bipartisan outrage.

 

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Conn. Gov. Dannel Malloy said of the NRA’s Wayne LaPierre and his opposition to the state’s strict new gun laws – “He reminds me of the clowns at the circus.” No doubt there will be swift calls for an apology, from clowns.

 

-Condoleezza Rice played Augusta National today with Phil Mickelson. Was this the closest Condi’s been to a Lefty?

Hitless and witless wonders?

April 5, 2013

SF Giants are 3-1. Despite having fewer team RBI’s than the Orioles’ Chris Davis.

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It’s an axiom that there’s no such thing as bad publicity. But a week ago, most people didn’t even know Rutgers had a men’s basketball team.

Two most common reactions around the NCAA to the Rutgers basketball scandal. 1. That’s awful, how could they allow this to happen? 2. Burn the tapes.

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Anyone but me find it a little ironic that ESPN is talking about Mike Rice and then switching to a Final Four preview featuring Bobby Knight?

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Powerball tickets will be sold in California on Monday. All this uproar about taxation and no one complains about another stupidity tax.

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The city of Chicago and Cubs owners are apparently close to a $500 million deal to renovate Wrigley Field. Many Chicagoans wish the team would spend $500 million to renovate the Cubs.

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Brendon Ayanbadejo told the Baltimore Sun there are four current NFL players who are considering coming out as gay together. So are they working on coordinating outfits?

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Pretty dominating performance by Barry Zito today. Especially considered that even Jamie Moyer was thinking “dude is throwing SLOW.”

From my friend Max McDuh watching today’s  SF Giants game with St. Louis Cardinals broadcasters.  In the middle innings the play by play asked color guy: “Third time through against Zito, what advice would you give Cardinals hitters?”

“Close your eyes, count to three, open your eyes again, pick up the ball and swing.”

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Democratic Senators Heidi Heitkamp (N.D.) and Joe Donnelly (Ind.), announced their support for gay marriage. Good news for those who have Mark Pryor (Ark.), Joe Manchin (W.Va.), Mary Landrieu (La.) or Tim Johnson (S.D.) in the pool.

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The $240 million New York Yankees are 1 and 3. With this kind of money to performance ratio they could be renamed the New York Congress.

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A NY judge overturned a 2011 FDA decision to require a prescription for the morning after pill for girls under 17, saying it must be available to people of any age. Some are decrying this loss of parental control. Thinking if a girl needs the pill, she’s a bit past that point.

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So let’s see, the 2010 BCS Champion Auburn Tigers allegedly had 12 players fail tests for synthetic marijuana, some had their grades changed, and others were paid not to have left early for the NFL draft. Other than that, Auburn appears to have been running a clean program.

If a coach yells in the forest…

April 4, 2013

With no one to record him, is he still fired?

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Many unfortunate lessons from the Mike Rice fiasco at Rutgers. And while his actions were inexcusable, have to wonder, how was the now ex-coach stupid enough to think you now can do ANYTHING around other people without someone having at least a camera phone.

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The #Nike ad said “Winning takes care of everything.” Mike Rice’s record at #Rutgers was 44-51.

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What’s a bigger surprise?  That Barry Zito is pitching the  SF Giants home opener?  Or that SF fans are happy about it.

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A fun stat for SF Bay Area friends from my friend Hartley Miller: Sharks/Warriors/Giants/A’s won Wednesday, 1st time all 4 Bay Area teams won on same day since April 18, 2007

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In a recent survey, 52% of Americans said they were in favor of legalizing marijuana. Which is impressive considering that most regular pot users’ response was “uh, what was the question again?”

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Quote of the year from an NBA player: Shane Battier, when asked whether a Griner NBA tryout would be positive for women athletes or if it would be seen merely as an attention-grabbing sideshow. “Listen, this whole (NBA) is a sideshow, what’s one more trailer?”

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Fast food workers in New York City are going on strike. Wonder how long it will take Mayor Bloomberg to step in, and see if he can keep it going for a few years.

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San Jose’s mayor says he thinks it’s time for him to meet with MLB commission Bud Selig about the A’s proposed move. Wonder how long it will take Selig to come up with a Blue Ribbon committee to look into a meeting.

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Forget PED’s. Maybe NFL teams should focus on Twitter control: Buffalo Bills’ WR Stevie Johnson “‘War is nothing to be played with. I apologize North Korea …. but if ya’ll do bomb 1st… Bomb Foxboro, Mass. Sincerely, #BillsMafia'”

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Former California Lt. Gov Abel Maldonado says he will run for Calif. Gov against Jerry Brown in 2014. Using strategists who worked on presidential campaign for John McCain and Jon Huntsman, and the advertising consultant who worked for Carly Fiorina. And those campaigns all worked out so well…..

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Talking with a Canadian friend – realized I could go buy a gun at Walmart here in the U.S., but they wouldn’t sell me .222s (Aspirin with caffeine and codeine, nonprescription in Canada.) What a country.

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Cardinals Pro Bowl LB Cardinals Daryl Washington has been suspended the first 4 games of 2013 for violating the league’s substance abuse policy. Which means he’ll be back in time to earn another Pro Bowl spot this year. Yeah, that’ll teach him.

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So in heaven tonight, Siskel and Ebert, two thumbs back up?

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Oscar Pistorius’s uncle Arnold says that his family encouraged him to get back onto the track to help stabilize him emotionally… We believe it is a vital step in helping him deal with the trauma.” Even O.J. Simpson is thinking ‘Have you no shame?”

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The Chicago Cubs are in first place. Is this a sign of the apocalypse?

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The report is that during their 2011, Auburn altered grades from players in some classes to keep them eligible. When asked about it several former players allegedly responded “grades? “classes?”

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Some are upset because today after President Obama praised Kamala Harris as “brilliant and dedicated and tough… and the best-looking attorney general in the country.” So, okay, maybe he should have picked Beau Biden?

(But seriously, really folks?  Obama didn’t make any comments about Harris’ figure, and he didn’t go on about it like Brent Musberger, and he didn’t just compliment her looks.   ( For that matter he didn’t give her a neck rub.)   Just get the sense we need to loosen up a bit.  IMHO )

Pipped?

November 20, 2012

Well, if the SF 49ers’  Alex Smith didn’t have a headache before tonight.

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Will Smith go down in history as the 49ers Wally Pipp?

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A bug in the new version of Google’s mobile operating system omits the month of December. And a whole lot of stressed out folks responded “and the problem with that is…?”

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Hostess Brands and a key union just agreed to tried to mediate their dispute, so the company may not shut down after all. This is bad news for folks who bought thousands of Twinkies to sell on Ebay. I blame Obama.

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Eagles’ coach Andy Reid said he won’t resign, because quitting would be a “cop-out” after he has asked the players to keep fighting. And Philadelphia fans are thinking, “Hey, it’s okay, think of your family, relax, take some time off…

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Rutgers and Maryland to the Big 10?!! Right, because when you think of the Midwest, you think of New Jersey and Maryland.

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Going into the last regular season college football weekend, who’d a thunk the most popular team at BCS headquarters might well be Kent State? No joke. Had Kent State not upset Rutgers, the Big East’s Scarlet Knights would be undefeated, and two wins away from a legitimate claim over a one-loss SEC team to be in the championship game.

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David Beckham announced that he is leaving the Los Angeles Galaxy after the MLS Cup on Dec. 1. Retiring? Of course not? Who do we think he is? Brett Favre?

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Petraeus biographer Paula Broadwell apparently is telling friends she is ‘devastated” by the fallout from their relationship. Here’s a hint for the future Paula – if you have to have an affair, it’s best not to go batshit crazy to “defend” it.

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The man who recanted his accusation of underage sex against Elmo puppeteer Kevin Clash now apparently wants to recant his recantation, along with the $125,000 settlement. Even General Petraeus is thinking “Bad person to have a relationship with, dude.”


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