Posted tagged ‘Romo jokes’

Cold comfort?

May 20, 2014

The NFL has awarded the 2018 Super Bowl to… Minneapolis. For all those who thought spending the first week in February in New York wasn’t cold enough.

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Jon Bon Jovi is apparently part of a group that wants to buy the Buffalo Bills. Well, if any franchise knows about “Livin’ on a Prayer.”

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California golfer Lucy Li, 11, has qualified for the U.S. Women’s Open. Quite an achievement. It gives all those Chinese women gymnasts a goal to shoot for when they grow up.

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Swiss bank Credit Suisse has pleaded guilty to running “an illegal cross-border banking business” to help thousands of Americans conceal their income from the IRS. The bank will pay a $2.6 billion fine, but will not have to provide names of their U.S. clients who they helped cheat on taxes. So wonder how many of those clients will be subsidizing the “settlement” with a silence fee?

 

Halle Berry on “Ellen” today talking about getting pregnant at 47, which is considered a “geriatric pregnancy.” If Berry thinks it was a “geriatric” pregnancy, wait until she gets to applying for Medicare at the same time her son is applying to college.

 

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Judge just declared PA’s #gaymarriage ban unconstitutional. Will last state to keep gay marriage banned please keep the lights turned off?

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Cleveland has the top NBA lottery pick for the second straight years. Who says the Cavaliers will never win anything?

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As far as Cleveland getting the top pick in 2015?  Probably at least as good a chance as a Miami Heat “three-peat”

 

NBA playoffs are down to San Antonio, Indianapolis, Oklahoma City and Miami. Three team from cities most Americans can’t find on a map and one they can’t stand.

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A 19 year old Texas man in facing five years to life in prison for allegedly baking and selling pot brownies made with hash oil. If he’d only shot and killed someone he’d be facing 10 years max.

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At Allen High School, near Dallas, they will have to close their new $60 million new football stadium this fall due to cracking concrete. This is the biggest disappointment in North Texas since the Cowboys.

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On a brighter note, the stadium is a $48 million cheaper disappointment than Tony Romo.

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The NY Racing Stewards have approved California Chrome to race with a nasal strip. If he wins will Roger Goodell add nasal strips to the NFL’s list of banned performance enhancers?

 

Congrats to Meryl Davis, who with her partner won Dancing with the Stars tonight. With that kind of dancing talent maybe she could do something big on an international stage…. .Oops, never mind.

Romo, romo, where art thou, romo?

December 30, 2013

Image

Thanks to Jeff Klein for the picture.

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And thanks to Kyle Orton for the great fourth quarter Tony Romo imitation.

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If consistency is a virtue than the #Cowboys are a truly Godlike team. #eliminatedagain   (Three .500 seasons in a row.)

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Cowboys should have put in Jon Kitna?

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But worst of all for Cowboys fans?  They face the additional heartbreak of not being able to blame it on Tony Romo.

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Congrats to the Chargers. But if it takes a missed 41 yard FG , (and a missed defensive penalty on the attempt) , and then an OT FG to win against a KC Chiefs team that rested 7 starters including their QB…. well, thinking their SD fans might not have to worry about tickets for week 2 of the playoffs.

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Drew Brees, 381 passing yards. Peyton Manning. 266 passing yards. Each with 4 TD passes in the first half. Brees added a rushing TD in the second. Unlikely they both make it to Metlife, but if so and the game isn’t played in a blizzard, might be the highest Super Bowl total score in history.

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Peyton Manning broke Drew Brees’ NFL record for most passing yards in a single season (5,476) today in Oakland. Should the record have an asterisk since it was against the Raiders?

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Rex Ryan and Geno Smith will apparently both be back with the NY Jets next year. Not sure if this will be good news for Jets fans, but it should be for comedy writers.

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Detroit finished off their late season collapse on a consistent note, with their 4th loss of the month (and 6th in their last 7 games.) This December these Lions couldn’t have even beat the Christians.

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The Redskins are expected to fire Mike Shanahan after today’s game. Thereby creating a job opening with the approximate same chance of success as mediating peace in the Middle East.

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So have to wonder, if “Paula’s Best Dishes” and “Paula’s Home Cooking” had the ratings “Duck Dynasty” has, would Paula Deen still have her TV gig?

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A man who was mugged in Central Park this weekend that the mugger took money, but looked disgustedly at his flip phone, and gave it back to him. Yet another reason to carry, if not a flip phone, a Blackberry.

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Kanye West apparently told fans at his Toronto concert this weekend that he plans to keep his opinions to himself for a while. “Might be another, like, six months. At least. You’re just gonna have to run back the interviews and s–t if you wanna hear some realness.” Promise?

And the winner might be?

December 28, 2013

Alas, too late in the year to qualify for the 2013 Darwin voting. In Bali, a security guard volunteered to catch a 15 ft-Python on the grounds of the Hyatt, which is closed for renovation. He got the snake by the head ahd tail and put it around his shoulders. Whereupon the python promptly strangled him.

 

Shin-Soo Choo at today’s press conference in Arlington was asked why he was drawn to Texas. He said he “was looking for a winning team — that is the most important thing for him and his career.” Right. Choo must have been dazzled by all those World Series trophies..

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Tony Romo  had season-ending back surgery Friday. So looks like his season will be 1 game shorter than that of his Cowboys teammates.

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With Tony Romo out, and math teacher Jon Kitna suited up on the sidelines, this means we are one hard hit on Kyle Orton away from a possible Disney movie….

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In Argentina on Christmas Day, about 70 people were injured, non-fatally, when they were attacked at a beach by a swam of piranhas. Has the made-for-tv movie started filming yet? #Piranhanado?

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When Jadeveon Clowney was stopped for going 84 mph in a 55 zone, he was 6 miles from the stadium – where his South Carolina team was leaving for the airport “in three minutes.” Assuming this guy survives to sign with an NFL team, maybe his contract can include a car and driver and a clock?

 

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A California man pleaded guilty today to a federal terrorism charge after using Facebook to connect with Al Qaeda. How dumb are crooks? Not sure how long it might have taken NSA to catch him but FB probablly took about five minutes to show the guy ads for weapons, bombs, flights out of the country..

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Some complicated permutations with the NFL playoffs depending on the Sunday’s results. But to be fair, some of those potential upsets are as likely as the Sacramento Kings beating the Miami Heat….

 

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So the NFL just said that Peyton Manning’s 50th TD pass against the Houston Texans, which tied Tom Brady’s mark for most TD’s in a season, shouldn’t have counted because it was really an incomplete pass. And this matters because Brady has never received the benefit of the doubt from the officials….

 

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About 10 days ago Target said 40 million customers MAY have had their credit and debit cards impacted. Originally this was between Black Friday and December 6. Then December 15. Then they were definitely impacted. But it wasn’t PINS. Now it’s PINs but they were encrypted, so it shouldn’t be a problem….. So heck, let’s scream again about government intrusion and praise the private sector.

 

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So let me get this straight. “Duck Dynasty,” is a reality show about a large conservative redneck family in Louisiana, who are serious about prayer and guns. Not probably a favorite amongst liberals in the first place. Then the patriarch is suspended over un-PC statements which I’d guess a large percent of their audience had no problem with. Much outrage from fans resulted. And now Robertson is back, and no doubt ratings will skyrocket. Can’t imagine how any one might think this was a publicity stunt.

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So now that Phil Robertson is back on “Duck Dynasty”, who’s going to be the next reality TV star to try to jump start their ratings by saying something offensive? Should we start a pool?

 

 

From Bill Littlejohn:   The NFL says they are prepared to move the Super Bowl to another day if snow threatens the game. The Pope reportedly sent the league a tweet “Don’t even think about Easter.”

 

(another day for the Super Bowl?  Ladies and Gentlemen, I think we have a new prop bet.)

The NFL is prepared to move the Super Bowl to another day if snow threatens the game. The Pope sent a tweet that read, ‘Don’t even think about Easter’. – See more at: http://hqprincegeorge.com/home/hart_attack/news/v/Local/318968/Hartley-Miller-s-Hart-Attack-December-27-2013-Edition-451#sthash.c456aNZL.dpuf
The NFL is prepared to move the Super Bowl to another day if snow threatens the game. The Pope sent a tweet that read, ‘Don’t even think about Easter’. – See more at: http://hqprincegeorge.com/home/hart_attack/news/v/Local/318968/Hartley-Miller-s-Hart-Attack-December-27-2013-Edition-451#sthash.c456aNZL.dpuf

Early Christmas blessings.

December 22, 2013

Thinking the BCS should be sending San Jose State’s team a major Christmas present. Had the Spartans not beaten Fresno State, the Bulldogs instead of being humiliated in Las Vegas by USC, would have been blown out in a major BCS bowl.

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So in “Miracle on 34th Street”, much is made over the question of whether a beloved but allegedly fictional character is real. Sort of like if they made a move about a Chicago Cub wearing a World Series ring.

 

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Washington State did such an incredible job of snatching defeat out of the jaws of victory. Are we sure Tony Romo isn’t somehow involved?

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Who’d have expected this a handful of years ago? That USC beating Stanford in football would have been an upset? And that the Trojans’ reward for that win would have been a berth in today’s Royal Purple Las Vegas Bowl?

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Meanwhile USC fans chanted “over-rated” at Fresno State as the Trojans demolished the Bulldogs. And really, the only chance Fresno State probably would have had in the game is if Lane Kiffin were still coaching at USC.

 

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Some people seem to have a problem with the idea that “freedom of religion” doesn’t mean just “freedom to follow MY religion.” And the same folks also don’t seem to get that “free speech” doesn’t just mean “freedom to say something I agree with.”

 

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That infamous PR executive who tweeted “Going to Africa. Hope I don’t get AIDS. Just kidding. I’m white!” has been fired. Guessing unless she changes her name, she won’t have to explain to any other potential future employer “So why did you leave your last position?”

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Lindsey Vonn, who thought she injured her right knee today in a fall during the World Cup Downhill, says she didn’t do any new damage and she still plans to compete in the Sochi Olympics. Who does Lindsey think she is? RGIII?

 

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Guess Scott Boras miscalculated. Shin Soo Choo ended up signing with the Texas Rangers for 7 years, and only $130 million, after he reportedly earlier turned down 7 years and $140 million with the Yankees. Poor Choo, how will he feed his family?

 

Uh oh, now what do some in the GOP do? In a People magazine interview, when the President was asked “Who would you rather spend the day with: Kim and Kanye or the Duck Dynasty Family?’ Obama said the Duck Dynasty family, that “they seem like a pretty fun bunch” and he has watched the show on Air Force One.

 

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Target’s commercials – “Expect more, pay less.”  Well, they may have the “pay less” down. But 40 million people expected more security.

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After candy and Sandy?

October 31, 2012

On the day after Halloween  with so much devastation around the country it is important to remember one point – Problems will fade, but uneaten candy corn is forever.

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Some say President Obama needed a little more Bill Clinton in him this election season; it may turn out that he just needed a little more Chris Christie.

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More Chris Christie, in an interview with Fox News…. “I have a job to do here in New Jersey that is much bigger than presidential politics.” And if anyone knows “bigger”, it’s Chris Christie.

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Hey, some priorities are intact. Gov. Chris Christie, with a signed executive order, postponed Halloween festivities in New Jersey until Monday, Nov. 5. Not even Sandy stands in the way of the American child’s right to free candy.

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Maybe our neighbors to the  north they think he’s a comedian? Michael Brown, director of FEMA during Katrina, in an op-ed in Canada’s “Globe and Mail” newspaper: “Hurricane Sandy should teach us to be prepared, willing to live without the modern conveniences of elevators, computers and refrigerators. Hurricane Sandy should teach all of us to chill.”

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Lance Armstrong will become the latest celebrity to be burned in effigy Saturday during a English town’s Guy Fawkes’ Bonfire Night. And we thought Phillies fans were tough.

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From my funny friend Neil Berliner:   “Obama campaign head David Axelrod:  ‘I’ll shave off my mustache if he loses Minnesota, Michigan, or Pennsylvania.’ Now let’s hopefully hear the same regarding Romney from Ann Coulter.”

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Nice twist of justice for Jerry Sandusky. Not only will he be housed on death row in prison, but also “all visits will be non-contact, meaning no touching is allowed.”

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SF Giants’ closer Sergio Romo, of Mexican descent, is wearing a t-shirt for the World Championship parade today. The phrase on the shirt? – “I only look illegal.”

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Eli Manning says he hopes that this weekend the Giants win and give those NY and NJ residents affected by Hurricane Sandy “a little break” and “a little joy.” By that standard it’s a good thing the NY Jets have a bye week.

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From Mark:   “Weird score of the night from English Premier League: Arsenal 7, Reading 5. To put that into perspective, Arsenal scores more in one soccer game that the Detroit Tigers did in an entire World Series.”

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This response to Mitt Romney’s ads in Ohio – “We’ve clearly entered some parallel universe during these last few days…. campaign politics at its cynical worst….” The liberal media? No, General Motors.

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In Idaho the daughter-in-law of the Senate Minority Leader is in stable condition after her husband accidentally shot her at the end of hunting trip. Does this mean the guy has aspirations to be vice president?

Missed them by that much.

October 1, 2012

Heard Tony Romo threw a tantrum after the Monday Night Football game. The tantrum was picked off by the Bears and returned for a touchdown.

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Who did Romo think he was Monday night?  Brett Favre?

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NY Jets owner Woody Johnson said it was more important to him that Romney win than his team have a winning season. Curiously enough, many Republicans are about as happy with Mitt as the candidate as Jets fans are with Mark Sanchez as their QB.

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A 19-year old is recovering in a Southern California hospital after he fell 60 ft off the side of a water slide at Six Flags Hurricane Harbor. Allegedly he jumped the line, barged past lifeguards and leaped head-first instead of feet-first onto the slide. Somewhere Darwin is thinking “Missed it by THAT much.”

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Paul Ryan, lowering expectations about Wednesday:   President Barack Obama’s  “done these kinds of debates before. This is Mitt’s first time on this kind of a stage.”   Does that mean even Ryan couldn’t bear to watch the GOP Primary debates?

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This line noticed by the SF Chronicle’s Debra J. Saunders in Arnold Schwarzenegger’s autobiography:  “Maria and I are very different in that way. She grew up in a world where a sharp line was drawn between friends and the help. With me, there is almost no line.”

You can say that again.

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Okay, the man challenging Nancy Pelosi for her Congressional seat is running an ad comparing Pelosi to a zombie. How silly. Beside the “wtf” nature of the comparison, zombies have more facial expressions.

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Kobe Bryant, 34, said today he got a question earlier about whose team the Lakers are: “I don’t want to get into the, ‘Well, we share …’ No, it’s my team”. Wonder if Tiger Woods, 36, would have said it was HIS Ryder Cup team.

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American Airlines says a Boston-to-Miami flight needed to make an emergency landing at JFK airport over the weekend when a row of seats became loose. Standby later this week for the new “seat bolt” fee.

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NY Jets coach Rex Ryan is still saying that Mark Sanchez at QB “gives us our best opportunity to win.” If true his comments should be great for ticket sales – for the Knicks.

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The 2013 Oscars ceremony will be hosted by “Family Guy” creator Seth MacFarlane. By making this choice five months in advance the Academy is giving themselves plenty of time to pre-write those “Sorry you were offended” emails and letters.

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Mitt Romney is hard at work preparing for Wednesday’s debates. His latest challenge, how to blame the U.S. Ryder Cup challenge on Obama.

(Jim Barach says  “Blame it on Furyk’s caddy Fluff for not knowing how to perform the Heimlich Maneuver.”)

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The Yankees now have a one-game lead in the NL East,  but the way the new playoff system is set up, if the Baltimore Orioles somehow win the East, the NY Yankees, as a wildcard, could be out of the postseason by Friday. Bud Selig is trying to see how quickly he might be able to change the rules.

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Although tonight it was 9-0 Yankees-Red Sox in the third. Boston isn’t just mailing it in, they’re FedExing it in.


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